RELATE SPIRIT

WHAT ABOUT LOVE?

Many don’t know the difference between love and attraction

WRITER:

SCOTT PERKINS

In music and movies, we see characters fall in and out of love, unable to help how they feel or control their behavior. Overall, there is a message that love is uncontrollable.

IS THAT TRUE?

Many of the feelings depicted aren’t actually related to love, but instead come from the sense of value and significance reflected back to us by another. If we are the recipient of positive attention, we will feel built up. If someone does something nice, that creates feelings of value. When we are pursued, that attention adds to our feelings of significance.

We have a tendency to be self-centered when we define love: “I love her because she makes me laugh.” Or, “I love him because he is so generous with me.” When love is dependent upon another person’s actions and our expectations, it becomes easier to fall in and out of love. That is why love feels so out of control.

Whether you adhere to the Bible or not, we can learn from the Good Book’s definition of love. What we call love often is actually attraction. Love is much more than that and is much more difficult to give and receive.

If you’re struggling in a relationship and the problems are a list of things your significant other isn’t doing or should be doing, then you are not in love with that person — you are in love with the benefits they provide. There is a difference.

Or maybe your relationship has fallen into the barter system, filled with bargaining such as: “I’ll take you to your parents’ house if I can go out with the guys.” “You can golf if I can get a new TV.” “I’ll do the dishes as long as we have sex tonight.”

LOVE IS NOT SELF-SEEKING.

Being in love is more than what we passively receive from each other; it is how we actively engage in the relationship.

One quick way to know if you are acting lovingly or not is to examine motivation. Do you do things for your significant other expecting something in return? Love is not weighed down with expectations.

Love is a choice. It is intentional and takes discipline. Being vulnerable and controlling expectations is difficult, takes practice and is filled with both failure and forgiveness. But, becoming aware of the ways we are self-seeking and growing through that awareness is the joy of loving another.

Hopefully, your significant other isn’t self-seeking either. No one wants to be used as support for another’s sense of significance and value — that is an exhausting and destructive role. Love should beget love.

Statistics About Love And Relationships

• Men are more likely than women — 48 percent vs 28 percent — to fall in love at first sight.

• Couples who earn $20,000 or less argue less frequently than couples who earn between $250,000 and $500,000

• 57 percent of people in unhappy relationships still find their partner attractive.

• 33 percent of men and women have watched a television show or movie that affected them so much they considered breaking up.

Source: rd.com/slideshows/marriage-statistics-the-biggest- surprises-about-love-sex-and-more/#slideshow=slide2