Perfectionism: The Ugly Truth

ART DIRECTOR EMMA MCGRANE PHOTOGRAPHED BY

FRANCESCA MILHIZER

MODEL DANA SYLVESTER WRITTEN BY OLIVIA STEIN DESIGNER ALLY WOODRING

My mom always taught me that perfect should never be the enemy of good. As a little girl with OCD tendencies, a larger-than-life personality and an idealized version of how things are supposed to be, this was not something I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to be “good” because I wanted to be great. Not only that, but I also wanted to have a sense of control in a world where I couldn’t control anything. Being a little kid was hard for me; I wanted to do things my way and it had to be perfect. I have always considered myself a perfectionist, and for a while, I liked that about myself. I believed that it was a great quality. I also thought that it would help me become successful when really all it did was make me unhappy.

In theory, perfection seems a worthy goal- one that society promotes. We all strive to be the best at something whether we realize it or not. People often believe that at the root of perfectionism is the longing to do well, and some may even equate it with ambition but honestly, perfectionism itself isn’t even perfect. At its core, perfection is the state of being free from any and all flaws but the danger is that if you’re always searching for flaws, you’ll always feel yourself falling short. As a recovering perfectionist, I can say with certainty that perfectionism is no more than a manifestation of fear.

The pursuit of perfection is the fear of failure in disguise. Perfection is an illusion that we believe can protect us from judgment and shame and that is why it is so destructive. The appeal is that if we are perfect, we can escape criticism. If anything, perfectionism causes an entirely new set of problems by creating unrealistic expectations for yourself. Of course, perfectionists have many good qualities, however, they are also likely to experience burnout, frustration, and disappointment. Essentially, perfectionism is the denial of two universal truths: the first being that we are not perfect, and the second is that we are not in control. To surrender control is quite frankly terrifying, but it is equally as terrifying to hold onto things that do not serve us. Sure, it takes a lot of courage to be imperfect and to be vulnerable, and that’s the beauty of it.

I don’t think a “perfect” life is all it’s cracked out to be. A perfect life would be quite boring. There would be no mistakes to learn from, no wrongs to make right, and no real opportunity for growth. Ultimately, growth is one of the most fulfilling life experiences, but it requires letting go of unrealistic expectations. Ultimately, life is gorgeously messy; perfect cannot exist without imperfect, good cannot exist without evil, and love cannot exist without indifference. You can’t achieve perfection or even greatness without accepting the other half of the equation. The duality is what makes it meaningful in the first place.

Instead of embracing this universal truth, we avoid it at all costs. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards which only sets us up for disappointment. At the end of the day, a perfectionist will never truly be fulfilled. The lunacy of it all is that perfectionism cannot even be satisfied by perfection. It is a vicious cycle that ends in nothing but self-destruction we, and I have countless stories that illustrate my point. Just last week, I had a math quiz. It was simple enough- answer the problems on a separate sheet of paper, take a picture, and submit. I made a mistake on the last problem, after all, I am only human. Of course, the perfectionist in me couldn’t just cross it out, so I crumpled up the page, threw it on the floor, and began again. This might have been acceptable if it happened once, except it didn’t happen once. It happened three times and I submitted it two minutes too late. I held back tears knowing that I had, once again, allowed perfect to be the enemy of good. Usually, getting it done is way more important than making it perfect. Sometimes “good enough” is more than enough. It is hard to let go of control, and a bit frightening, but the freedom that comes with it is priceless.

Young people, especially, are affected by the myth that things should be perfect. We engage in a cruel inner dialogue that tells us that things are never good enough- that we are never good enough. But equally as cliche as it is true, you are your own biggest critic. Once you accept that you don’t have to be perfect, you can simply be good…but probably great.