Weary and Wide Awake

DESIGNER

LAYNA BEALE

WRITTEN & ILLUSTRATED BY

QUAYE MEADOW

8:00 PM It’s early in the night and I am already dreading the list of tasks I have to do. I feel weary. I’ll cook myself some warm food, a form of self care. I miss my mother’s casseroles and my father’s fish.

9:30 PM My candles are lit and my stomach is full of Trader Joe’s Thai curry. I grew up eating dinner late and I’ve carried that habit into my college life–it works well. I have to watch an episode of something. I want to feel numb in front of a screen. My roommates usually join me on our blue couch.

10:10 PM The episode of whatever trash show we are watching ends and I begin to notice my body and myself again. My eyes are dry from old mascara and staring at my screens all day. I remove my worn makeup and refresh my eyes with eye drops–tears fall down my cheek. I look at my bare face and decide I want to see my bare body. Stretchmarks, hair, bruises, and flesh. I don’t recognize it as my own and I regret feasting on my curry. I put on my baggy pajamas to hide.

10:30 PM I watch another episode of nothing remarkable.

And another episode.

And maybe one more. 11:40 PM I drag my feet to the bathroom where I pick at my skin, any clogged pore is noted. I tweeze my eyebrows. I reapply my deodorant. I pick at my skin again. My face, my arms, my legs. I consider painting my nails. I won’t, it’s already too late.

12:00 AM I’m hungry. I go downstairs and eat a bowl of cereal or a piece of toast. I feel guilty. I already had dinner. Am I actually hungry? I chug a whole bottle of water to “justify” what I ate. I know it’s silly and I know it’s unhealthy. I was just hungry. I’m always hungry.

12:30 AM I walk upstairs and slither into bed. I think of their arms wrapped around me and their hands in my hands. Tying up my hair, I try to forget them. I try to turn my brain off. I’m unsuccessful. I wish they were here with me.

1:00 AM I have accepted that I won’t be sleeping tonight. I guzzle my water and hold onto my childhood stuffed bear. I want to feel like a kid again. I want to reconnect with younger me. She was often misunderstood. Now, I fully understand her.

2:00 AM My body is exhausted and I know I need to sleep, but the actual idea of falling asleep seems near impossible. Should I take some medication? It used to help, but then it became a habit. I miss the Nyquil dreams and melatonin heaviness. I’ll try to sleep again before I take anything. 5:00 AM Fuck. I woke up and I can feel my body begging me to fall back asleep. A cold sweat takes over and I decide to take something. Perhaps CBD gummies, Advil PM, or Nyquil? The first option is probably the best considering the fact that it is 5AM. I could take 20 mg.

5:30 AM I decide it isn’t worth taking any medication to sleep. I would be drowsy all day anyways. I try to let my body rest and slowly my brain empties. I forget about my relationship with food and I forget about the anxiety surrounding my sleep. I forget about the arms that I wish were holding me, rocking me to sleep. Finally, I have a moment of silence.

7:00 AM I slowly stir in my sleep, going in and out of a senseless dream. Finally, I feel the motivation to roll over and open my blinds. I was hoping to sleep till 8:30, but this is as good as it’ll get. I hear the birds chirp and I am reminded of the world outside me. I enjoy feeling detached from myself.

8:00 AM After an hour of staring at my ceiling and phone, I decide to expose my skin to the cold air outside of the covers. I’m already dreading another night like the one I just had. I dress myself and slowly work my way to the kitchen. I feel weary as I begin my day.