CONTRIBUTORS + TABLE OF CONTENTS andressa mensch - 2,9 katie clayton - 1,3,40,43 kiki broady - 4, back cover birdie blaugrund - 5,30,41 cassidy chen - 6,12,13,17 addison davis - 7 rosie diamond - 7,19,31 sara nussair - 8,12,13 zack hauptman - 14,20,26,32,33 lily pricer - 37,40 le quyen nguyen - 38 melody espinoza - 48 kari trail - 37 sophia motameni - 6,24 ava horner - 27 talia guerrero - 30 iryna arakelian - 21,24 kai mcailey - 23 gracie abrams - 22 natalie dameron - 18,49 tenzin apang - cover,28,29 abby waisler - 4,10,11,14,25 davis ouriel - 46,47 oceon walker - 44,50 caitlin irene - 45 emma conte - 16 nyama amat - 18 emily entz - 42 sonia feldman - 15 kathleen kwon - 24,25 page 1
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Trust My stained diary lays open on my bed, adorned with flowers that are the colors of the sky. It looks like something my grandmother may own. Perhaps a treasure hidden away and forgotten amongst her crowded attic. My scent is woven into this book, as the rosy perfume on my wrist grazes the paper with each story I write. It knows each of my deepest secrets, the ones I could never say out loud or to any of the people I’m closest to. I flip through the pages, soft and worn. It sits patiently on my shelf, waiting to be used. A safekeep for memories and thoughts otherwise forgotten. How can I put more trust in an object kiki broady than in those I love?
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A Different Way to Die Death comes in an abundance of forms But we only depict it as the loss of physical life I asked them how they felt when she said “You aren’t enough.” And one, two, and three said they died I asked them how they felt when she looked right through you When she grew evidently silent But “Silence kills far worse than words.” And when she licks her lips about to speak and doesn’t; it’s violent They all switched their surnames to “Glass.” For fragility was in their bones as they walked Fragility was in their throats as they talked. Broken shards bite dust The difference between this eternal numbness between the physical and emotional Is that there’s always a burial and funeral representing peace of mind, but emotions are lifeless and stuck six feet inside. This breakage For one, two, and three Is an invisible death Only they can see
Probably, Ghosts Probably, ghosts are allergic to us. The silent sneeze, a wisp of dust floats Through the attic. Humanity flinches, Looks up, wonders. Unseen, the specter Takes a Claritin. addison davis
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zack’s playlist (for abby <3) by zack, obviously benzo - blood orange closer to you - clario i’m your puppet - james & booby purify if you see her, say hello - bob dylan why don’t you call me - james blake i’ll come running - brain eno hard feelings/loveless - lorde paralysed - nilufer yanya nothing - lila drew marcel - her’s terrified - childish gambino kept me crying - HAIM contaminated - BANKS
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change humans are first born and from then we grow, we change. no one ever stays a child forever eventually we take our childish things and pack them away neatly, our teddy bears, our scraped knees, our stolen kisses on the playground; we cast them away to the smallest corners of our minds, only to be peeked at when the growing pains of life hit our hearts the most. we’re told that to change is to grow, and to grow is to become better, the best versions of ourselves we can be. we’re told that to be the best is to be above others, right? right? but it’s not a blue ribbon from saturday morning soccer, nor a gold star on a ripped piece of art. so change is subjective, like when a stale lover suddenly says, “you’ve changed,” after a sour kiss. when a scolding parent yells “change that skirt,” right before you can sneak out the house in the morning. so change isn’t about becoming better, nor the best. not to please a lover, a mother, a teacher, nor god. to change is to modify, to remake, to adapt, to be reborn, to learn to love, to laugh, to evolve, to metamorphose. to be the ladybug that landed on the collar of your blouse last week. to be the girl with soft happy eyes and a toothy smile you once saw on tv, the girl you’ve always wanted to be. the dictionary describes change as to be different from what is, than what it would’ve been if left alone. i believe that to change is to finally come to terms with what you are, what is there, and what isn’t. what once was given and then taken too quickly. it’s that shift in your mind that tells you that every little thing that exists is to be. to reconcile with that bitter ex you swore you’d never talk to again, with that rejection letter from that university you’ve always wanted to go to, with the cold-eyed stranger who didn’t hold the door open at the store. to forgive, maybe? to absolve? to liberate. or to relieve. therefore i believe that to change is to be at peace. nyama amat
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stories from ivan zack hauptman
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Kai McAliley Fri, Jul 26, 2:45 PM (9 days ago) to me write two sentences about this piece. I actually made most of this piece in a class. The teacher was very strict about letting us play music. I was probably envisioning myself listening to New Slaves by Kanye West in my head. what makes you feel inspired? describe the feeling of being inspired. I watch documentaries. I get off my phone and try to get outside and draw people. I try to spend time with my friends because even though I am naturally introverted, if I spend too much time by my self working inside then I will get depressed. when was the last time you cried? I cry often. Breakups are hard. I get panic attacks. Those are difficult. I am very very critical of myself and my work. I’m not exactly sure the last time I cried.
how do you keep yourself grounded? I love the idea between being a consumer and a creator. While art is by nature a creative field, it still lives within a capitalist structure. To me, I am most heavily inspired by people who know when to withdraw themselves from just being a fan and know that they are destined to create. That journey from consumer to creator is what most heavily inspires me. When I get inspired I have a wave of energy where I have to make something. Usually if I don’t capitalize on an inspired spell I will become depressed and very angry with myself anywhere from a couple hours to whole days.
what are your goals? I want to write a book. I want to design the house I raise my kids in. I want to perform at Coachella. I want to get a dog (I’ve never actually had one). I want to buy the house that was taken from my family. I want to inspire a next generation of consumers to become creators. advice for your future self... perfection is a myth. I love you. You love me. Me love me. You love you. We love we.
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11:45 PM Out of place wherever I go Some days, the morning till two I can hide it For I thought only material items could be inessential The nothingness surrounded by the integral people But alas, I am as blank as the headboard above me Or the pale carpet beneath my feet Chewing on my bottom lip With my overbite bearing teeth Scratching my thigh As my skin, though almost raw from the anger Begs my nails not to make it bleed As dots, small like crushed rubies Sparkle on my flesh and soak I walk the echo filled halls asking myself, who am I? Will I be consumed by the oblivion? The forgotten abyss so many have fallen into? So taken that they cannot even remember themselves… I don’t want to die;but I don’t want to live! Explaining my mind makes me some kind of blatherskite? Sure… Blowing kisses to the sweet cerulean above Maybe God will catch them -hold them Because love has never been truly emitted from the human mouth, the human mind Tell me, what’s it like in the sky? page page 24 1
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baby honey. I believe when Sappho inscribed her words of love for the beauty of women, she was the muse to that truth. heavenly pure innocent and alluring. she was an angel among us. her lips tasted of summer wine and intoxicated me every time. being with her, being able to belong entirely to her, was a euphoric experience that men would have perished to have been able to know. talia guerrero
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playlist by abby sin triangle - sidney gish come on eileen - save ferris jumpin’ jumpin’ - destiny’s child cut your bangs - radiator hospital nite life - ADULT. big yellow taxi - joni mitchell lost in the super market - the clash the cutter - echo + the bunnymen kids in america - kim wilde teenage girl - cherry glazer next of kin - alvvays
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THINKING ABOUT MY FRIENDS RIGHT NOW I MISS THEM I WANT MORE TIME WITH THEM MORE GOOD DAYS LIKE THE ONES SPENT WALKING AROUND DOWNTOWN AND LAUGING AT THE DUMBEST THINGS THE SCARY THING ABOUT ENTERING YOUR SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL IS THAT IT SIGNALS THE END I WONT MISS HIGH SCHOOL BUT I’LL MISS BEING A KID I’LL MISS THESE YEARS I ALWAYS SAID I WOULDN’T BUT NOW I KNOW I WILL I’M NOT READY TO GROW UP AND I’M NOT READY TO GROW APART 8/6/19 lily pricer
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DREAMING OF THINGS GETTING BETTER WONT MAKE THEM I jUST DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO I WANT THE WORLD TO BE BETTER I DONT WANT TO BE TOLD IM GOING TO BURN IN HELL FOR BEING WHO I AM I DONT WANT MY FRIENDS TO BE TARGETED FOR BEING WHO THEY ARE I DONT WANT WOMEN TO BE WALKED ON BY THESE MEN WHO CLAIM TO CARE ABOUT CHILDREN, BY THESE COWARDS WHO CRY TO SAVE THAT WHICH IS UNBORN BUT STAY SILENT WHEN ACTUAL CHILDREN ARE MURDERED BECAUSE THEY WANT THEIR GUNS THEY WANT THEIR POWER THEY CLING TO THEIR IGNORANCE AND CRADLE THEIR ARROGANCE THEY HOLD THEMSELVES HIGH ABOVE THE REST OF HUMANITY OUR PLANET CRUMBLES BECAUSE OF US AND SOME STILL LAUGH REFUSING TO AKNOWLEDGE IT I WANT STUDENTS TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT BEING SHOT IN CLASS I WANT PEOPLE OF COLOR TO BE UPLIFTED AND NOT IGNORED NOT STEREOTYPED NOT KILLED I WANT PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMITTED HORRIBLE CRIMES TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE I WANT TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY I CAN BE PROUD OF BUT I FEEL NO PRIDE I FEEL FEAR ANGER AND HURT THIS IS A NATION BUILT ON STOLEN LAND AND INJUSTICE 6/9/19 lily pricer
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PERSONA WHO? DAVIS OURIEL
I’m home tonight. I chose a bed over the extreme disorder: social unfulfillment, out of body experiences, and the expectation to conjure both at the same time. So I make a list instead: of current thoughts, ones that are sober, useful items for my manifesto. I seriously, usually think these things: - I’m feeling in-place. - It’s only August. - I can’t remember anything that makes me feel bad. - Right now, I’m thinking of words that require a delay. - Of days: “final.” - Of years: “adolescent.” - Most of us are losers. - Worth less than metal money. - We should be permanently hollow, as demonstrated. - I can’t figure what we’d do to achieve that. - Actually, it’s amazing that our science means anything. - It is just another language. - But deaf upon every other species. - I’ll publish theory that there’s an animal inside every animal and how we should make a pilgrimage to ask evolution to progress everything toward 2D animation. - I am incredibly smart. - Like, in a superior way. And what thoughts could compete with mine? Most definitely not: - Those that race in the mind of someone tonight. - Those when she suffers the trade of social currency; putting her lips to a glass then passing it to the girl on her right. - The warmth when she accidentally pushes into her hand. - The first, but refined sense of belonging when they look at each other for the first time. - The stimulation lasting an extra second because of the alcohol. - Whatever happened then, all throughout the night, that won’t touch anywhere near me. page 46
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thank you to everyone who helped make this issue possible. i want to start off by saying that all my friends would be impossible if it were not for all the amazing humans that inhabit this world. mom, dad, and ans - i love you! all of this could not have happened without the petty fights we had over marketing, social media, etc. thank you guys for everything. to zack, thank you for the endless facetime calls and just for being you. love and miss you. katie, lina, and lili!!!!! you guys are my rocks. thanks for always finding my stupid errors while making this. to everyone who works/did work on 1714 + pickle jarred + all the other projects i have started and failed, look guys!!!!!!! i did it!!!!!! (just kidding) the work you guys put in has made this project 5 million times easier, so thank you for that. to all my irl friends, you guys keep me going everyday. lila, lou, luc, belle, rosie, i love you guys so so so so so so much. thank you for everything. my biggest thank you goes to everyone who contributed to issue one. i was eating lunch one day trying to figure out what i was going to do with my summer when my brain created all my friends. i never thought that anyone was going to be interested in this silly idea i had. if you bought a copy, if you are reading this online, if you submitted your work, if you even thought about AMF; thank you. thank you thank you thank you thank you. you all are the reason this is possible. anyways, i’m gonna go to sleep. thank you again everyone. xoxoxoxo, abby page 50
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