Lilac Magazine

LILAC MAGAZINE

YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED

“Enjoy Your Houseful of Cats”: On Being an Asexual Woman 10 WAYS TO BE MORE CONFIDENT

2 COMING OUT STORIES

“I was terrified of the isolation” A STORY BY A TRANSGENDER

INDEX

ISSUE 1

1 Letter from the Editor 2-5 “I’ve learnt a lot about myself” - An article on a Transgender’s Journey 7-9 Advice - 10 Ways to be more self-confident 10 Your Questions Answered - Reader’s Questions 11-12 “Enjoy Your Houseful of Cats”: On Being an Asexual Woman 14-16 Coming Out Stories 17 - What Does Pangender Mean to Me?

2-5

7-9

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR HEY READERS!

Welcome to the first issue of, LILAC MAGAZINE. This is a unique magazine to what already exists.

There is a lack of magazines that appeal to those who do not find it necessary to conform to stereotypical gender, sexuality and ideas.

LILAC MAGAZINE is here to support those of you who need it. We will run articles that you can relate to, answer your questions and give you advice often.

I am so happy that we could start up this magazine and we are looking forward to posting content that somewhat lacks in the market.

This issue, we are featuring an article on Eli Elrick, an inspirational transgender teenager, who is an activist and ambassador in the community.

Ally Eastman, Creator of LILAC MAGAZINE

We are also giving you a top ten list of ways to become more self-confidence. Often, other magazines post about ways to improve your relationship with others etc. instead, we think it is important that you work on yourself. Self-confidence is something that anyone can always improve, whether they have too much or too little. I have struggled with being confident in my self since being a teenager. Sometimes, it is difficult to realise what you stand for, especially when you are growing up and learning more about yourself and the world around you. We hope that these tips inspire you!

We love helping people out, especially with answering questions that people would find difficult to submit to a mainstream magazine. We have already received a tonne via email and social media. Thank You for your submissions! We address some of those in this issue and will be answering as many as possible throughout the next issues.

So much work has gone in to starting LILAC MAGAZINE. We hope that you are inspired by what we have created for you this issue.

Ally xx

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An Inspiration Story of a Transgender; Eli Elrick

““Heshe!” “Shemale!” “It!” I missed classes and recess because I was scared of the name-calling and terrified of the isolation.”

Eli Erlick is an 18 year-old trans student from California. She is the executive director of Trans Student Equality Resources, a Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) National Advisory Council Member, and a former board member of the Coming Together to Make It Better conference and GLSEN student media ambassador. She is a Trans 100 and Refinery29 “30 Under 30″ honoree for her work in the community. You can follow Eli on Twitter at @eerlick

I remember explaining to Harmony, my best friend in third grade, that I was a girl:

“Harmony! We can have sleepovers now!”

“But you’re a boy!” she immediately retorted.

“Well, I’m a girl now.”

Harmony rolled her eyes and walked away, confused.

I always knew I was different from the other boys.

As a toddler, I cried when my hair was cut short. I preferred girls for friends, bright colors for clothes, and dolls for toys. When I was eight years old, I announced that I was a girl. Not only was I the first openly trans* youth in my county, I was the first openly trans* person.

My school and social life quickly deteriorated. I had a difficult time making friends. The boys didn’t like me because I was a girl, the girls didn’t like me because I was a boy, and for the few new friends that I could find, their parents refused to let me speak to them outside of school fearing I would taint their children with whatever was wrong with me.

“Heshe!” “Shemale!” “It!” I missed classes and recess because I was scared of the name-calling and terrified of the isolation.

Even the teachers encouraged the other children to tease me for my identity. I couldn’t comprehend why everybody singled me out and why no one would do anything about it.

I started to wear dresses and makeup to school every day. I’d pack clothing from the girl’s section in with my books to put on in the classroom when no one was looking. I knew if my parents caught me, I’d have to give them up. After weeks of making it clear I was a girl at school, my teacher gave my Mom and Dad a call.

Despite my protests, the three agreed that this would just end up a phase, and decided to send me to therapy to try and stop me from expressing my true gender. This didn’t work out exactly as they planned: instead of following the therapist’s instructions to look at myself in the mirror and say that I’m a boy, I stole my sister’s makeup and wore skirts.

My mom, a well-educated doctor, continued to research the topic of transgender children. Unfortunately, this was 2003. The only (seemingly) dependable research was from Kenneth J. Zucker, a self-proclaimed trans* “reparative” therapist. His methodologically flawed research purported that an incredibly low number of gender nonconforming children ended up transitioning. The distorted report affirmed my parents’ hope that I would change my mind about being a girl. They showed me the study and explained to me what it meant. For years, I tried to tell myself that this was a phase and I would get to live happily as a boy when I got older. Of course, that never happened. This fallacious research alongside the perpetual harassing and discrimination in school left me deeply questioning myself.

By age 10 I became quiet and fearful. My family jokingly referred to me as the “shadow child” because of how shy I had become. I stopped wearing skirts and dresses to school, sick of the teasing, which was as fundamentally attached to the clothes as the stitching. As much as I tried to educate the school, very few listened. I believed I was the only person in the world like this and something was wrong with me mentally, as my parents and teachers had been repeating to me. That year, I also had to quit my gymnastics class because the teacher refused to let me participate on the girl’s team after eliminating the co-ed group. For the final show, we received trophies. The girls had trophies with a woman gymnast on the top and the boys had trophies with men.

To my horror, my teacher decided to give me a male trophy, outing me to all the parents there that had looked at me as a girl.

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The next two years I continued hiding and lying about myself. I was only able to live as a girl parttime. In English, we were learning about Latin roots. The rest of the seventh grade class was only half way through the book and I was bored out of my mind. One day, a particular word that caught my eye: trans – across, beyond, through. I wondered to myself, “Could transgender be a word?”

I quickly pulled out my iPod and looked it up. I thought I was being creative but in fact, the word meant something. I knew transitioning was possible but I didn’t know someone under the age of 40 could do it. Now I suddenly had access to thousands of incredible articles, research papers, and success stories. I smiled through the entire week, something rare at that point in my life.

I became fascinated with trans* people, wanting to someday become open about being one. The German trans* celebrity Kim Petras opened my mind to the idea of getting surgery before 18. As far as I could tell, she was the first in the world to have it done at that age. Influenced by the thought that no one would accept me completely as female until I had had surgery, I was determined to be the second.

“I

became fascinated with trans* people, wanting to someday become open about being one.”

“Eli you look so handsome! I guess you were a boy all along,” said a voice behind me. I didn’t want to turn around. Instead, I ran outside and cried. I could hear comments from teachers and family friends about my appearance. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I let my parents push me back inside. On the stage, I scooted my chair back, trying to conceal myself from the audience. I just closed my eyes and hoped the whole thing would end. Only after an hour of hiding behind my classmates could I finally leave. Some of my parents’ friends told them I should see a therapist. They didn’t realize what was really wrong. On our way back to the car, my frustrated dad asked, “Is this about you being transgender?” I looked away, ashamed.

Despite being enlightened on trans* issues, my junior high school life still wasn’t a happy period.

There was a large eighth grade graduation ceremony every year and the graduating students had to wear very gendered clothes and were separated on the stage by their gender. All this was in front of a crowd of a few hundred community members. I couldn’t go through with that. I had planned months ahead to leave an I Think I Might Be Transgender: Now What Do I Do? pamphlet on my parents’ bedside table before the ceremony. I hoped they would understand the message enough to spare me from going.

When the night of my plan finally came, I couldn’t sleep. I hoped to wake up in the morning to acceptance. Instead, they said nothing and I was too frightened to ask them about it.

The dreaded graduation ceremony finally rolled around. My heart beat with sorrow as I walked into the community center in men’s dress pants and a polo shirt.

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However at this point in my life, my parents began to accept my gender identity. My mom told me she visited a Gender Spectrum conference the year before. She learned all about trans* children and care. She was ready to get me on puberty blockers or hormones. A few days after that discussion, I went into a Macy’s to get clothes. My mom instinctively took me to the boy’s section so I gave her a look and we both smiled. For the first time, I bought my first clothing from the girl’s section that was truly mine. I didn’t need to hide anymore: I could finally be myself.

The new school year went fast. I was noticeably happier and because of my now cheerful outlook, my community accepted me. They realized that letting me transition was the right thing to do and very few questioned it. The harassment lessened because the community I lived in now knew why I was so feminine as a boy.

The next summer I attended my first trans* conference. I met lots of incredible teens and families who had gone through similar struggles that I had faced. I realized that this was a community in which I belonged and I felt at home. After years of being alone, I could finally be myself around others like me. A few weeks later, right after my 15th birthday, I began taking estradiol and spironolactone (female hormones and male hormone blockers). I was lucky to have started puberty late: the effects of these medications are a lot stronger before puberty takes place. I continued to change my passport and other IDs throughout the year to the correct gender. I kept my name. I didn’t want to hide who I was. If someone asked, I would be proud to announce that I’m trans*.

Over the next year, my confidence grew and I began to get more and more involved in the trans* community. I began educating teachers about trans* issues and started working with a trans* surgeon to receive gender confirmation surgery as a minor. By that fall, in 11th grade, I started a trans*-inclusive policy at my school that would have helped me while going through my town’s education system. It didn’t stop there. I then founded Trans Student Equality Resources with Chicago-based advocate Alex Sennello to end discrimination for all trans* students, I became a GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network) student media ambassador and National Advisory Council member, and I started presenting at queer conferences. I eventually underwent gender confirmation surgery and became the youngest person to go public about it in North America.

My parents went through changes of their own: my dad began speaking at trans* conferences and my mom now helps run a local PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter. I am incredibly privileged and grateful to have accepting parents and access to supportive medical care.

My greatest hope is that my story can give trans* youth and their families the strength to grow and change together.

“They realized that letting me transition was the right thing to do and very few questioned it.”

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10 tips to become more Self-Confident

Read our Top 10 Tips to becoming more self-confident, today!

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Self Confidence is an important part of your identity. Often,

people who feel different from others can suffer from lack of self-confidence. To overcome this, read our top 10 tips, to ensure that self-confidence will be yours!

1. Ask yourself: What’s the worst that 5. Awash yourself in positive memocould happen?

ries.

2. Use uplifting music.

6. Compare yourself to yourself. Not

It’s easy to get lost in a vague fear – or very improbable scenarios – of what might happen if you go through with something. When you really ask yourself what the worst thing that could happen you get a clearer picture, a bit of fear vanishes and you discover that the potential consequences are seldom as frightening as you first thought. By doing this you define the potential consequences and also discover that whatever the might happen you can manage and recover from it.

A classic. Use inspiring and motivating music to pump up yourself before leaving for a night out, before a big test or meeting, before anything that might make your confidence unstable. This works pretty well as a temporary state-booster.

It’s a common habit to let previous failures and bad experiences wash through your mind before you do something important. Replace that habit by actively letting positive memories, accomplishments and experiences wash through your mind for a minute or two instead. We often forget these positive things and our minds become focused on the negative memories. But this is up to you, you have a choice. And the product of your choice is a factor in your level of self confidence.

to others.

This will eliminate a lot of unnecessary pain in your life. The thing is if you pass one person then you’ll just find another person more successful than you. And your brief sense of being a winner will once again transform into anxiety and fear. Focus on yourself, not the other peoTry something new. ple around you, no matter if they are more or When you break out of your comfort zone and less successful. Compare yourself to yourself. try something you haven’t before you not only Improve yourself and see how you grow and challenge yourself. You expand your own limita- become a more successful, more confident and tions and your confidence in your own abilities, happier person. in how many things you can actually do. By trying something new on a continual basis you can also lessen your fears and live a life with less Good Posture barriers and limitations.

Similarly, the way a person carries herself tells a story. People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self conCreate something. fidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what Everyone is a creative person. But after childthey’re doing and they don’t consider themhood and the teenage years this is sometimes selves important. By practicing good posture, forgotten. Rediscovering your creativity is a you’ll automatically feel more confident. Stand good way to improve your confidence in yourup straight, keep your head up, and make eye self. Creating something is a wonderful but not contact. You’ll make a positive impression on always easy experience. But when you’re done others and instantly feel more alert and empowyou not only feel good about yourself. Someered. times you discover new, previously unknown parts of yourself. Being creative is good a way

to get to know yourself and your hidden capabilities.

3.

7.

4.

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8. Speak up

During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid. This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine. In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears. By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.

9. Think of things you’re good at

Everyone has strengths and talents, what are yours? Have a look at our fact sheet on strengths and work out how you can build on yours. Recognising what you’re good at and trying to build on those things can be a really valuable way of building confidence in your own abilities.

10. Set some goals

Set some goals and aim to achieve them. By proving to yourself that you can get stuff done, you’ll prove to yourself what you’re capable of achieving. They don’t have to be big goals; they can even be things like baking a cake or planning a night out with friends. Just little things that can be ticked off a list and help you gain self-confidence in your ability to get stuff done.

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READER QUESTIONS - ANSWERED

Have Questions? Email us at questions@lilacmagazine.com or send in a letter to 111 John St, Brisbane, QLD 4000. Follow us on Twitter @lilacmagazine & like us on Facebook (Lilac Magazine)

DEAR LILAC MAGAZINE, Q: I am unsure of how to announce to my family that I am bi-sexual. I dated a guy for two years and I have told my family that I have been casually dating again, they are just unaware that I have been dating both genders. I feel as though I have kept this a secret for too long. How should I tell them without it being too shocking?

A: Coming out to anyone can be difficult, but you should be proud that you are bi-sexual. It is great that you are ready to tell them, that part can be hard to decide on. The next step is just actually announcing it. Try not to make it too much of a big deal, because their reaction may be more shocking than you would expect. If dating or something related is mentioned, just slip in a line that you have been dating both genders. In the end, they should support your decisions, so do not feel too anxious to announce it to them.

DEAR LILAC MAGAZINE, Q: I am a lesbian and my partner and I have been together for a long time.

We have recently started talking about adding a child to our family. We want to adopt a child, the problem is we don’t know much about homosexual couples adopting children in Australia. Do you have any advice on how we could follow through the process?

DEAR LILAC MAGAZINE, Q: Lately I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. I would love some tips on how to contain these struggles.

A: Suffering depression and anxiety can be a major struggle. It is not often recognised as a daily struggle, because it is internal and often we try to suppress our struggles around others. There are small changes you can make to improve these struggles, such as improving diet, increasing amount of exercise and increasing time reflecting with yourself/mediation. We will deliver an article, in further detail, on how to overcome these struggles in our next issue. Keep an eye out and stay strong in the meantime!

DEAR LILAC MAGAZINE, Q: I am very shy and quiet around others. I find it hard to start conversations and I am constantly scared of what people think of me. Please help!

A: Being shy and quiet is good and you should embrace that. Starting conversations with other people can be hard, depending on the social context.

If you are in a learning environment, such as a school or university, try and start conversations with others about what you are learning about. UltimateA: Congratulations on making that decision ly, being scared about what people - that is a big deal. There is some great think of you is a thing that takes time resources that give simple information of to work on. Step outside your comfort same sex couple adoption in Australia. zone a little and try not to over-analyse Follow: http://glrl.org.au/index.php/Rights/ what people say. The only person that Parenting/Adoption-and-parenting-orders is stopping you, is yourself.

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“Enjoy Your Houseful of Cats”: On Being an Asexual Woman

BY JULIE DECKER “In many ways I’m just like your average young woman. I love putting on heels and a dress to go on a night out with friends.”

The crux of this fellow’s “argument” (if it can be called that) was that ALL women are asexual. They only want romance, you see; they put up with sex to get it. Conversely, men First off, this is a laughable misrepresentation of only want sex, and they tolerate romance my lifestyle; my “nights with friends” generally to get that. There is, in fact, no reason for a involve art supplies or homemade pizza, with no woman to label herself asexual. It’s part of special dress code required. But on top of that, the definition of womanhood: the ladies don’t the author apparently felt compelled to feminize want or need sex, but they necessarily need the asexual chick with traditional trappings of Lady romance, and it doesn’t really matter as long Flavor. She wanted to reassure the magazine’s as they put out. audience that I’m Still A Girl. Because you know In this dream world made up of his unfortuwhat they say about girls who don’t like guys. Our nate projections, I suppose gay men have femininity immediately goes up for debate. sex but never romance, and lesbians have I’m an aromantic asexual woman, meaning I’m romance but never sex (unless it’s in porn, for not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. men’s entertainment), and sex toys and porn Gender-wise, I’m pretty girly. I don’t do many tradi- made with women in mind are figments of our tional woman things, but I’ve never felt masculine imagination. And bisexual people, pansexual or androgynous. And until or unless I mention my people, nonbinary people, asexual men, and asexuality or aromanticism, I’m unquestioningly probably transgender people are mythical read as a woman. It’s interesting how quickly that creatures in Sex Is For Men Land. falls apart when I discuss my sexual and romantic Happily, the sexual revolution helped kill this orientation. The folks whose minds are blown by poisonous narrative; people became free to some apparent contradiction tend to fall into one of celebrate sex—even women who were pretwo camps: viously thought to have no sex drive—and 1. “You’re asexual/aromantic, so you can’t be a everyone lived happily ever after. Huzzah! ‘real’ woman.”

2. “You’re obviously a ‘real’ woman, so you can’t be Well, except that now some assume everyasexual/aromantic.” one who doesn’t celebrate sex or include it Either way the invalidation falls, it suggests others liberally in their lives is suffering from interare the gatekeepers of femininity, and that these nalized oppression, sickness, or an abusive arbiters understand my identity better than I do. past, necessitating a constant stream of con“Congratulations on being an unremarkable wom- cern directed at those who don’t partake. This an.” concern, of course, is 100% totally for our I received the above comment from a man as part benefit; after all, why should they heed our of a screed on why asexuality is a myth. explicit requests to stop “helping” us when they’re motivated entirely by kindness? They just want us to have what they have! They just want us to know the real meaning of life and how real love works!

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There’s no way we’re harmed by spending our formative years surrounded by people huddling solicitously about us, repeatedly expressing that our failure to go against our nature troubles them ever so much. Right?

Asexual people are just one group that’s hurt by the Sex = Yay mantra (along with racial, religious, and sexual minorities that are either fetishized or desexualized.) For asexual women, it means they’re erased; their orientation is framed as a side effect of living in a society that hates the female sex drive. Go on, girl! You like sex! You can admit it now! Great, eh? We’ve replaced a world in which a woman couldn’t be sexual with a world in which she must be.

Men who are asexual get to deal with the other side of this coin; with certain mainstream narratives in hyper masculine society pressuring men to define themselves through sexual success, the world can be a very cruel place for a guy who just doesn’t find people attractive. Not only can they be emasculated by these messages, but they are often assumed gay if they’re not seen chasing women—a nice symptom of asexual erasure—and if they actually are romantically but not sexually attracted to same-gender partners, they’re often told they’re suffering from internalized homophobia that won’t let them release their true sexual selves.

And let’s not forget those asexual people between or outside the gender binary, who are regularly processed as being “confused about sex” due to their gender.

That said, asexual women make up a majority of the asexual population—in a 2011 survey of nearly 3,500 members of Internet-based asexuality communities, 64% identified as female—and regardless of whether that is because there simply are more asexual women or because non-women aren’t coming out/participating in communities/ realizing they’re asexual as often, it does mean asexual women usually represent the public faces of the awareness movement. With the notable exception of David Jay (the founder of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network), women are more frequently featured in news pieces about asexuality, and they receive some pretty heinous treatment when put under the microscope.

While male asexual people are commonly assumed gay/closeted or processed as if they’re not even men, female asexual people get the usual main course of invalidation with an additional side helping of misogyny.

If we’re not available for sex, then, hell, what are we for? Comments directed at asexual men often speculate about what might be wrong with them, but comments directed at asexual women consistently contain fury and violence and disappointment at the idea of a woman who isn’t performing her perceived duty on the planet: satisfying a guy.

“What a waste.”

As a lady-type, I’m used to having my selfworth reduced to my ability to interest a man. Women from most walks of life have encountered equations like this: Unwanted sexual attention + “I have a husband/boyfriend” = Dude gives up.

VERSUS Unwanted sexual attention + “I’m not interested/not attracted to men/not attracted to you” = Dude judges this unreasonable and keeps trying.

In other words, when a woman isn’t “taken” (by a guy), it doesn’t really matter what she says; she’s fair game. Dude will respect some absent dude’s claim on a woman, but he won’t respect her word. That woman is Not Being Used. That woman is Up For Grabs. Those are the rules. But what’s this? A single woman who doesn’t want to be partnered? That’s impossible.

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COMING OUT STORIES In this issue, we talk to Paige & Anonymous.

I’m not going to lie, I didn’t realise I was gay until recently. I liked gay people, I got on with gay people, I was one of these ‘I love my gays!’ people, I just never thought I would turn out to be gay myself. Having read too many ‘coming out’ stories to count and doing an embarrassing amount of ‘Am I a Lesbian?’ quizzes online, I realised that there was no sure fire way of knowing until you tried and just well… accepted it within yourself. I also realised that my story wasn’t as similar to others as I would have thought. Other women/men either knew they weren’t heterosexual from a young age and their life and relationships occurred accordingly, or they presumed they were heterosexual until they met somebody of the same sex who they connected with on an intimate level and voila – they realised.

I did not have either of these experiences. I had my own journey (as does everyone to be fair). When I got together with my girlfriend, my friends and family would say “it’s nice that you’ve met someone, and she happens to be a girl and that’s okay!” (or something to that affect). It’s like, yes she’s a girl, that’s the POINT. I’ve been DATING GIRLS, I’ve been SLEEPING with GIRLS, I split up with my boyfriend and made the active decision to PURSUE relationships with WOMEN. I can’t figure the precise moment where I realized ‘I liked girls’ as it was a slow process.

However my turn around was very quick (I do run at 100mph generally though) and I decided that rather than eating my feelings and crying into my pillow weeping ‘oh my god I’m a lesbian’, I got my ass on Tinder and put my settings to ‘women’.

Woo! However, prior to this revelation that began last January, the Spring/Summer before had brought me one of the most difficult periods of my life thus far. I won’t mince words – I found myself pregnant at the age of 20. It brought with it complications,

I terminated the pregnancy and spent the summer at home; gyming, attending counselling, staring at the walls and possibly one of the most beneficial things I have done with my life up till now… I started watching a show called Orange Is The New Black on Netflix.

I was a mess when I started watching it, I had been slowly unraveling for months, freaking out at the prospect of having a child and settling down with a man and oh my god my life was going to be over. Then post-termination I unravelled further because oh my god I never thought I would do this - who am I?! What do I want out of my life?! What have I become?! Blah blah blah.

This was because I grew up with a dream. A pink frilly princess dream. I grew up thinking I would marry a man, wear a pretty white dress and have a picket fence. This would include 2.4 kids, a perfect career (god knows what) and everyone would be so proud of me! They would say - “wow, look at her, she’s really got it together, I’m so jealous” (how embarrassing). Now

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I’m not criticizing that lifestyle, it is what some people want. But for me, personally? It wasn’t what I wanted. I had created some sort of heterosexual utopia to hide what would be my reality and tried to be the ‘perfect woman’. But eventually (specifically May 2013) I began to crumble under the weight of my own pretension and expectations and I shattered.

It often takes something huge (a pregnancy, a prison sentence etc.) to force you to confront who you really are. I’ve really began to believe that when you think things might be falling apart, they are actually falling into place. This is not just about being gay, it was about me confronting who I really was and what I truly wanted out of my life and I am not certain but I get significantly closer to feeling like I know myself better every day. I’m not saying if you watch OITNB it will help you discover your sexuality, I’m not comparing my life to a prison relationship and I don’t think I’ve had some giant revelation that helps me know everything there is about myself. What I am saying though, is that it took me something huge to make me realize I was running from who I was.

I thought my life would play out a certain way and I was on track at a great university with a bright future ahead, things have changed. My dreams and beliefs and ideals aren’t the same as they were and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. The beautiful suburban home with a husband who’s a Doctor, two kids, a Cath Kidston kitchen and Book Club on Fridays has been swapped for a quirky city loft apartment, a girlfriend who loves me, a few cats and quite honestly I don’t care what my kitchen looks like, I prefer eating out (no pun intended).

This does not mean I could not have the former with a woman or the latter with a man as lifestyle and sexual orientation aren’t mutually exclusive and that’s not what this particular article is about.

But it means that I’m more accepting of who I am.

I got my gay card and gave me access to a whole new world and whole new way of thinking.

-Paige

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I think it was around the age of 16. It wasn’t until I turned 18 that I decided it wasn’t going to go away, and I needed to start accepting that was who I was. I got really depressed, scared, angry, and felt alone through those 2 years.

It built up so much, that I needed to do something. I remember one day flicking through the White Pages, I wasn’t really looking for a number. I was just bored. I found a telephone number under a counseling heading near the front of the book. It said “Gay and Lesbian Counseling Line… 4pm Midnight” then the phone number. I needed to talk to someone , not friends or family… I needed to talk to someone I didn’t know, so I called the counseling line which I had found in the phone book.

I remember calling all but the last digit of the phone number, and then hanging up because I was too scared - I did this 10 or more times… I didn’t know what was going to happen, I didn’t even know if I could talk to a stranger.

To be truthful, I didn’t end up calling that day, but the following day I forced myself to. The next day I did call, and I was talking to the guy on the counseling line for about 45 minutes. At first, my fears were that the person on the other end of the phone wouldn’t be able to do anything to help, or wouldn’t take me seriously, or would tell me that I was wrong and needed to change my (gay related) feelings. I must have sounded really scared when we first started talking, and he somehow got me to calm down a bit, and then about 1/2 way through the conversation he said to me “you sound a lot better already”, and I was feeling a lot better. He gave me some telephone numbers for my local area, and told me about a support group for gay/bisexual guys that was run in the city. I told him that I couldn’t do that (go to a support group) but I would call the numbers he gave me. He was the first person I ever told I was gay.

After about 2 weeks I got the courage to call up the number, and the guy there told me there was a support group for gay youth run in my area. I told him I couldn’t go, it was hard enough for me to just call him to start with. He gave me heaps of encouragement and told me the phone number of the guy who runs a local youth group for young gay & bisexual guys. I called right away, but it wasn’t until after about 1 month, that I went to the youth group for the first time.

I can remember how hard it was. I had that nervous/sick feeling in my stomach the whole day right up to after the group had started. The group has done so much good for me. It helped me break down the stereotypes that I assumed all gay people were (or had to be). I have made some good friends from the group. I can talk to others about being gay, and they understand.

If I hadn’t gone to the group to begin with… I would never have gotten to know the guy I now think of as my closest friend. He was the first gay friend I ever made, and whether he knows it or not, he has helped me through some really difficult times. Just being there as a friend, as someone to talk to. Going to the youth group was the best thing I ever did for myself… when I think of the time when I thought I could never go to the group, it makes me so happy that I got the courage to go.

I look back to the time before I went to the group how unhappy I was and realize how much it has helped me. Making that one phone call started everything for me, and as I said before, that was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do… but my life is so much better now. Being around other gay people has helped me accept myself more and more. I am now at the point where I am starting to feel good about myself, and good about life in general.

-Anonymous

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WHAT DOES PANGENDER MEAN TO ME?

BY MORGAN KAGED I wanted to dedicate a special post today to talk about why being pangender means to me. Yesterday on Tumblr while scrolling though the pangender tab I came across a post which accused all pangenders of being “white” and then accused all pangenders of cultural appropriation of genders specific to POC cultures. I did of course respond, explain the correct meaning of pangender, suggested they use Experience Project and forums to connect with other pangenders and linked them to this blog. Of course then it hit me, this blog I started up to give a deeper insight to what is pangender, pangender individuals and to explore the experiences that I faced as a pangender which people of non-binary and genderqueer face also. I haven’t really done that in my posts, how can I educate when I do not give means to give people an education.

People really don’t seem to know anything about what is pangender at all; pangender is not an excuse for Angelo-Saxon white people to appropriate cultures of others. People of all races, and ethnicities can be pangender. Pangender means “all genders”, pan being the Greek word for all.

This does not mean pangenders claim to be Two-Spirit or Hijra. There are two binary genders, male and female. Then there is others like agender, trigender and so on. Pangender is being able to identify with all the genders, that some days you have boy days but you’re not fully a boy, some days you have girl days but you’re not fully a girl, some days you have genderless days but you’re not fully genderless, some days you have days where your not fully sure of your gender but you’re not fully that other gender and some days you feel like your all the genders at once. It’s very similar to genderfluid, bigender or trigender however they are not the same. If pangender is cultural appropriation then so must these be.

I don’t see pangender as stealing from specific cultures, and I am sure anyone who took the time to research and understand pangender wouldn’t either. Western society has different names for gender and all sorts of names, pangender is one of them that many people identify with. Pangender is a word only used in English speaking countries and still not a even recognized as an legal gender. In the UK we still live in the cissexist and binarist society where biological sex equals gender; which is only true if you are cisgender. For anyone else this is not true one bit. For many people are trans binary or even non-binary individuals. Being pangender means I have to face a world where people tell me I don’t exist or that my gender identity is cultural appropriation of a culture they themselves aren’t even part off so how could know? They seem to have no knowledge of any of these other genders, nor my own. People are so quick to make bigotry assumptions with no care to whom they hurt by their assumptions. People take the world “all” and seem to draw assumptions that it applies to every single country and every single culture-which is ridiculous at best, offensive at most.

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I can’t speak for everyone who is pangender, I can only speak for me and my experiences and my feelings. pronouns and titles, because gender titles I feel erase part of my identity. This is form of misgendering but not fully misgendering. You can call me a she because I am a girl but you are ignoring that I am also a boy, something else, something in between, and genderless at the same time. You are erasing my identity and gender therefore you are misgendering me. I chose Mx as my title because I feel it is the best one to represent my mixture of genders that inside me, that I never ignoring my identity because Mx covers them all. I know some people take off offensive with Mix or Mixter but I feel its me. To me its a great title for pangender, bigender, trigender and genderfluid people but again I can not speak for everyone. My chose of title is to express how I see myself and my pangender. No one can take away my gender, you can pretend I don’t exist, you can make prejudice assumptions, you can discriminate, you can be a binarist, you can be a cissexist, but you can not change who I am. I am pangender not because I want to steal from other cultures but because it is a term that perfectly fits and suits me best. Its not special snowflake syndrome to pretend I am oppressed, no one is pretending to be pangender. I am just me. I am just Morgan Kaged.

I am pangender. My name is Morgan Kaged and I live the same way you do. My gender does not make me different. Today I feel like “boy” is more dominate gender force; I want to be flat and have a penis and be seen as a boy. My sister told me that even with a binder, which I really want, that I’ll never look fully as a boy should. This hurt me deeply because she was telling me that I did not match my gender, when in reality what is gender? How do our facial appearances match gender?

Even though I feel as if I am a boy, I feel as though I am not fully a boy. Girl, genderless, other gender are still present in my gender identity however today I feel more as a boy. Yes it is similar to genderfluid and yes I do experience days where I am mix of two or three different genders however the others are still present just not as strong. I am never fully one gender. That is what it means to me to be pangender.

I can’t speak for everyone who is pangender, I can only speak for me and my experiences and my feelings. Everyone is different and that includes how they feel and express their gender. Not one person can speak for everyone, this is inaccurate and wrong. Just because I experience something in a certain way, doesn’t mean every single pangender person experiences what I feel. There are stereotypes drawn, even though not all of them are hurtful and offensive, they are still stereotypes and still wrong. Pangenders face enough discrimination without fighting stereotypes.

What pangender means to me is that I am all genders. I am not one gender, and never will be. I am not one gender on certain days but I might feel that gender more then the others. This is why I prefer gender neutral pronouns and titles, because gender titles I feel erase part of my identity.

This is form of misgendering but not fully misgendering. You can call me a she because I am a girl but you are ignoring that I am also a boy, something else, something in between, and genderless at the same time. You are erasing my identity and gender therefore you are misgendering me. I chose Mx as my title because I feel it is the best one to represent my mixture of genders that inside me, that I never ignoring my identity because Mx covers them all. I know some people take off offensive with Mix or Mixter but I feel its me. To me its a great title for pangender, bigender, trigender and genderfluid people but again I can not speak for everyone. My chose of title is to express how I see myself and my pangender.

No one can take away my gender, you can pretend I don’t exist, you can make prejudice assumptions, you can discriminate, you can be a binarist, you can be a cissexist, but you can not change who I am. I am pangender not because I want to steal from other cultures but because it is a term that perfectly fits and suits me best. Its not special snowflake syndrome to pretend I am oppressed, no one is pretending to be pangender. I am just me. I am just Morgan Kaged.

Read more about Morgan at: http://embracingmorgankaged.blogspot.com.au/

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References

This Publication is full of references and these have been sourced for academic purposes.

Content from the magazine has been sourced from the following: Decker, J. (2014). “Enjoy Your Houseful of Cats�: On Being an Asexual Woman. Retrieved from http://the-toast.net/2014/07/01/enjoy-houseful-cats-asexual-woman/ Edberg, H. (2009). Top 24 Tips for Making Your Self Confidence Soar. Retrieved from http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2007/08/14/top-24-tips-for-making-your-selfconfidence-soar/ Elrick, E. (2013). I knew I was a girl at 8: Transitioning and Teenage Activism. Retrieved from http://www.autostraddle.com/i-knew-i-was-a-girl-at-8-transitioning-as-a-teenage-activist-197445/ How to build self-confidence. (2015). Retrieved from http://au.reachout.com/how-tobuild-self-confidence Kaged, M. (2014). Embracing Morgan Kaged. Retrieved from http://embracingmorgankaged.blogspot.com.au/2014/04/what-does-pangendermean-to-me.html My Story about being Gay. (2013). Retrieved from http://us.reachout.com/real-stories/story/my-story-about-being-gay Paige: Coming Out Story. (2015). Retrieved from http://www.rucomingout.com/ paige-coming-out-story.html

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