Shut up, you are not fat

“Ugh, I feel so fat today.”

“Shut up, you are NOT fat!”

“Yes I am, I’m so gross. I need to go on a diet.”

“OMG I would kill to look like you. I’m the one that needs to go on a diet. Wanna do it together?”

This conversation, and conversations like it, are happening all over our country. In sorority house living rooms, in office break rooms, at places of worship, classrooms, daycares, soccer practices and on shopping trips (especially on shopping trips). I have had this conversation—most of us have. Women are often uncomfortable with our bodies and the way we look, and vent about it when we are with friends.

I never thought much of this conversation or pattern, until the summer of 2016. My life had gone through several recent changes: I had moved back to my home state, started a new relationship and left my job, all within a few short months. In the madness of all of my life changes, things like a consistent exercise routine, a fridge full of healthy food, even my mental focus on living a healthy lifestyle, were left behind and replaced with packing and unpacking, talking to my new favorite person and deciding what my professional future looked like. All of those behavioral and environmental changes lead to physical changes. To put it another way: I gained weight.

I did not notice it gradually—it was like one day I went to my closet to get dressed, and my jeans no longer fit. I vividly remember that day. I immediately ripped those jeans off of my body (well, not immediately, because they were too tight and it, therefore, took an upsetting amount of time to get off of my body), sat on the floor, and cried. I felt embarrassed. I felt unattractive. I felt ashamed.

I carried that shame around with me for quite some time, like it too was weight I had gained. Shame is a heavy, everpresent emotion that we bring everywhere, assuming it will motivate us. If I remind myself how irresponsible I am for having not finished my to-do list, then I will force myself to do it. If I remind myself that only pathetic people text their ex, then I won’t text them. If I tell myself that I am unattractive and should lose weight, then I will go to the gym.

My shame did not work that way (no one’s does). Reminding myself how much I did not like my body only made me dislike it more. It did not make me go to the gym; it made me avoid it. It did not encourage me to do yoga; it made me feel like I wasn’t capable or deserving of yoga. Instead of motivating me to take care of my body, my shame taught me to hate my body.

So, I did what most of us do in these situations: have the “shut up, you’re not fat” conversation. I called my friend, went out for some wine, and at some point, made a comment about “feeling fat.” I tensed up, waiting to hear my friend say the words I expected (and wanted) to hear. But they never came. My friend did not say “shut up, you’re not fat.” She looked at me with kindness in her eyes, and an expression on her face that said, “I am listening.”

So I kept talking. I told her all about how I let this happen to my body, how I had been trying to force myself to go to the gym (by being a jerk to myself), and how it was not working. How I felt even worse about myself than I did the month before. And how I felt alone.

When I finished, she got up, gave me a hug, looked me in the face and said “I’m sorry you’re going through this. But you are definitely not alone.” I asked if she had struggled with her weight or body before, and she literally laughed out loud. “Yea. We all have.”

We all have. Women, of all ages, all over this country, have struggled with their bodies. Their weight, their skin, their height, their breasts, their feet, their eyelashes—you name it, and we have struggled with it. My friend was right. I most certainly was not alone in this, but until I started doing research about body image issues in America, I had no idea just how not alone I was.

Fifty-three percent of 13-year-old girls do not like the way they look. By the time those girls turn 17, that number jumps to 78 percent. Eighty-nine percent of those same 17-year-olds have tried to diet to lose weight before they graduate from high school. Forty-five percent of women in America are on a diet right now. Half of those women admit to participating in unhealthy, disordered eating behaviors for the purposes of losing weight.

It is affecting women of all ages: the fastest growing population of women diagnosed with eating disorders is middle-aged women, and 81 percent of all ten-year-old girls are afraid of being fat. Forty-two percent of first, second, and third-grade girls can already say they would be happier if they were skinnier. Ninety-one percent of all women in college are on a diet right now.

Learning these facts was shocking. On the other hand though, it all made perfect sense. I immediately remembered being told by my dad that I was too chubby. I remembered choosing not to eat in middle school because the girls around me were so much skinnier than me. I remembered looking at pictures of me from years ago, exclaiming out loud how much I wish I looked like that now, knowing that when that picture was taken I hated the way I looked in it. I remembered my mom just a few months ago saying she hated the way she looked in a swimsuit.

Of course, I was not alone. Of course, all women struggle with our bodies. As you read this, many of you are remembering similar moments to my body-related shame list. For several of us, this is something we think about. A lot.

And yet, the only conversations we have about it, about this issue that we all have struggled with, that we all think about, can be summed up by six words:

“Shut up, you are not fat.”

For some of us, this sentence is actually quite helpful. It makes us feel better, assures us that not everyone agrees with the horrible things we say about ourselves. For others, this is not even a little bit helpful. Some women have found power in identifying as fat, taking the emotional pain out of that word by turning it into something they are comfortable and proud to be. Some people hear “shut up, you are not fat” and immediately believe someone is being disingenuous. Others still think this sentence is a wretched attempt to actually help someone feel better in their own skin. Here’s the point: while every woman’s body comes with its own set of body image issues, this “shut up you are not fat” conversation is not one-size-fits-all.

It’s time for a different approach—for women to have better, more intentional, meaningful, compassionate conversations about our weight and body image. If it is something we all go through, literal and figurative weight we are carrying around with us, shouldn’t we at least be able to have conversations about it that make us feel heard, valued and supported? I knew that in order for me to feel better about my body, to at least not hate my body, I would have to take baby steps. Here are three things that helped change the way I talked to my friends (and myself) about body image:

LISTEN

This sounds like a bit of a “duh” suggestion, but I have learned from talking to all kinds of women about this issue that listening is not currently a part of the conversations we have about our bodies. When one of your friends says “Ugh, I feel so fat today,” most of us almost immediately respond with our classic “shut up, you are not fat!” The second we respond in this way, two things have happened:

1. We have immediately invalidated how she is feeling. We have just told her that she is wrong about her body and the way she feels in it.

2. We have stopped listening and started talking, long before we know what is really going on for this woman.

What if instead, we followed this comment up with a “What’s going on, sister?” or a “Tell me more, what’s up?” When we ask a question, we give her the opportunity to tell us what is going on with her body. Maybe she’s had a few weeks where she hasn’t been able to prioritize taking care of herself, and so she doesn’t feel good in her skin. Maybe it’s her time of the month, and her body is bloating and uncomfortable. Maybe she’s been looking at Instagram fitness models over the last hour, judging herself for not looking like the touched-up photos on the internet. Each one of these women deserves a different response, based on what she is specifically struggling with that day. Listening to her, letting her teach you what she is going through, rather than assuming she needs to hear that you do not think she is fat. It could make a huge difference in her day.

BODY KINDNESS

Body positivity. Body Love. Self-Love. All of these phrases have emerged in the last few years as women have advocated for themselves and the visibility of women in all different kinds of bodies. Women are getting tired of being made to feel like garbage simply because of their size, and are working toward feeling love, or at least positive about their bodies—and I love it. I believe women deserve to feel all of those things. …but what about those of us who aren’t quite there, yet? Who cannot imagine feeling instantly positive about our reflection, or in love with our curves? Do we have to live in body shame until we can find body love? No. I think there’s a middle ground, a starting point that feels a bit more accessible for women: body kindness.

What if instead, we all reached for feeling love for the skin we are in, we simply chose to be kind to it? If we can’t do that for ourselves (we should try), we can certainly do that for our friends and sisters. Reminding women who are feeling uncomfortable in their bodies that they have done their best this week, that they are not stupid or lazy, that their body got them to this point in the week, so at least there is something there worth celebrating, is practicing body kindness. We do not have to be in love with our bodies just yet but our bodies get us through each day and work pretty hard to do it. They are worthy of our kindness—regardless of what they look like.

YOU ARE MORE

You are more than your body. You are so much more than what you look like. Your body is an important part of you, a part that is worthy of love, or at least kindness but it is NOT the only part of you that matters. You have a brain that is smart, capable of reason and navigating the million things you have to do on any given day. You have a soul that is passionate, that lights a fire inside of you and inspires others to chase their dreams. You have a heart that cares for and loves people in your life, that connects with other people every day. Your body is a piece of you, but it is not the only piece of you that is important.

When you or your friends are having a bad-body-image-day, one of the best ways to get out of that funk is to do something that reminds you about the other important parts of who you are. Read a book, study, journal, or do a crossword—use your brain, and remind yourself how important your intellect is to you. Do something that sets your soul on fire—celebrate having passions, and how good it feels when you do something you care about. Call your grandmother, or your grandchild—reach out to someone in your life that you care about, and let your heart love them.

Are these magic tricks that will immediately reprogram your brain to no longer struggle with body image? No. Are these fool-proof solutions for hating our bodies? Not a chance. Are these tips going to instantly set you up to love your body? Not right away.

But do they help? Could these subtle changes to our conversations about our bodies start to positively influence the way we talk to ourselves when we look in the mirror? Do they help the women in your circle feel more supported? Can they take some of the loneliness out of our struggles? Yes. Yes, they can.

They’ve helped me. These little adjustments may not have completely changed my world or the way I look at myself in it, but they have made a difference. They have helped me use language that does not degrade myself. They have helped me believe that women, no matter what they look like, deserve to participate in conversations about negative body image. More importantly than anything else, these small victories have helped me let go of the heavy shame I had been carrying around with me since the summer of 2016. In the battle we are waging against negative body image, those small victories are actually not small at all. As author Sonya Renee Taylor said, “Making peace with your body is your mighty act of revolution.”