Understanding Empathy

I was recently traveling with a group of friends and we flew to our destination. My friend Ashley had only flown a few times and had some pretty extreme anxiety while taking off. As she opened up to me about her anxiety, I instantly started to feel anxious as well. My past experiences with anxiety allowed me to put myself in her shoes and feel exactly what she was feeling. My other friends felt completely unfazed by her anxiety while I struggled to calm down.

Why is it that when we see another person suffering, some of us are able to instantly envision ourselves in the other person’s place and feel compassion for his/her pain while others remain indifferent? Empathy is the key.

We are generally pretty well-attuned to our own feelings and emotions, but empathy allows us to “walk a mile in another’s shoes,” so to speak. It permits us to understand the emotions another person is feeling.

So why do we feel empathy? Why does it matter? And what impact does it have on our behavior?

WHAT IS EMPATHY?

Empathy involves the ability to emotionally understand what another person is experiencing. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, empathy is: “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also: the capacity for this”.

Empathy goes far beyond sympathy, which might be considered ‘feeling for’ someone. Empathy, instead, is ‘feeling with’ that person, through the use of imagination.

Empathy is important because it helps us understand how others are feeling so we can respond appropriately to the situation. Empathy leads to helping behavior, which benefits social relationships. We are naturally social creatures. Things that aid in our relationships with other people benefits us as well. When people experience empathy, they are more likely to engage in behaviors that benefit other people.

For example, if we use empathy to understand why a child is acting out, you might learn that something happened that is upsetting them. For instance, their mother is ill or the child has no food at home to eat and is hungry. Instead of reacting to the emotions of another or becoming defensive, you can ask questions about their behavior or emotional state. There still may need to be disciplined for their behavior, but by using empathy first, the child feels valued and heard and therefore, will more easily accept responsibility for their actions.

Feeling heard and understood is a human need. Everyone needs to feel understood. Empathy helps us get in touch with our feelings and gives us an emotional understanding of ourselves and others. Feeling understood is not only a basic human need but it is also how we connect, help, and support one another. If we can’t recognize someone in pain, how can we support them?

Without empathy, people do not consider how other people feel or what they may be thinking. Each of us has differing perspectives. We all experience moods, pain and hurt, joy and sadness. And we are so limited when we only see our own perspective. Without taking a moment to assess another, it is easy to make assumptions and jump to conclusions. This often leads to misunderstandings, bad feelings, conflict and poor morale. Without empathy, people do not feel heard or understood.

CHALLENGES TO EMPATHY

As the story at the beginning of the article illustrated, not everyone experiences empathy in every situation. My other friends may have felt sympathy and compassion for Ashely but they did not feel empathy.

There is a growing concern for the apparent decline of empathy in society today. A study by the University of Michigan found that college students today are showing less empathy than previous decades, a 40 percent decline in fact. That is an alarming number.

So why is that we feel empathy for some people or situations but not for others?

There are two main factors that contribute to our ability to experience empathy: genetics and socialization. Essentially, it boils down to nature and nurture. Our parents pass down genes that contribute to our overall personality, including our propensity toward sympathy, empathy and compassion. On the other hand, we are also socialized by our parents, our peers, our communities and by society. How we treat others and how we feel about others, is often a reflection of the beliefs and values that were instilled at a very young age. The best way to think about empathy is an innate capacity that needs to be developed.

Empathy in today’s society is challenging for a number of reasons. Empathy is sometimes challenging because it requires us to pay attention. Too often we are in our own heads; we have our own agenda. We are busy. So, we do not pay attention to what others are thinking or feeling. Empathy is also challenging because it takes time. In our fast-paced world, people just keep moving. Empathy requires that we stop and take the time to care.

Often people think they are empathetic but when you consider what you are thinking about when you are listening to the person, you may find that you are busy thinking about you – how the person thinks about you, if they like you, that you should be doing something else, or you are not going to be able to help them, etc. When your mind is so busy with thoughts about you, then you do not have the capacity to really be present for another person.

How we perceive the other person, how we attribute her behaviors, what we blame for the other person’s predicament, and our own past experiences and expectations all come into play as well. Sometimes the way we perceive the world around us is influenced by a number of biases. For example, we often attribute other people’s failures to internal characteristics, while blaming our own shortcomings on external factors. These biases can make it difficult to see all the factors that contribute to a situation and make it less likely that we will be able to see a situation from the perspective of another.

CULTIVATING EMPATHY

It may not always be easy, or even possible, to empathize with others but, through good people skills and some imagination, we can work towards more empathetic feelings. Although we do not all start with the same baseline capacity for empathy, we can actually work to increase our empathy levels. Here are some specific activities for cultivating empathy:

1. ACTIVE LISTENING The form of listening we usually offer and receive is more passive than it should be. While passive listening allows a person to hear and react on cue, active listening involves a person listening to each word, imagining the driving emotions behind what is being said, and regularly feeding back what is being heard to the person speaking. Active listening encourages us to tune in—and in doing this, we can connect more deeply.

The more you practice active listening, the better you will be at reading a person’s emotions through their words, tone, and expressions. Becoming an active listener increases empathy levels, but it also helps to create positive feelings in the person who’s communicating with us. A University of New Brunswick study found that people who previously reported feeling misunderstood or not heard found more fulfillment when speaking with a person practicing active listening.

2. SPEND TIME HELPING OTHERS If you feel a spring in your step after helping someone out, there is a reason for that. Researchers at the London School of Economics have found that people who volunteer are happier. Volunteering increases empathy and it has been proven that empathy increases life satisfaction. Creating social bonds with those outside of our immediate social circle and working to enhance the lives of others helps us to keep the well-being of all people at the forefront of our thinking.

3. BE NON-JUDGMENTAL Creating an environment that is free of judgment is the first step to actively understanding a person’s situation. Forming an opinion or conclusion about someone can create a barrier that makes it difficult to be in tune with her feelings.

4. FRAME QUESTIONS APPROPRIATELY Cultivating your curiosity can help increase you empathy levels but asking “why” questions can sometimes come off as judgmental. “Why” questions suggest that you are trying to give advice, and can potentially make them feel defensive about their actions. Examples include: “Why did you not try doing it this way?” or “Why couldn’t you come up with a better idea?”

Aim for questions that are open-ended; there are plenty of other ways to frame them appropriately. “What,” “How,” “When” and “Where” can be used as substitutes for asking “Why.” For example, instead of asking, “Why don’t you go see a doctor?” another way that question could be framed is “Have you thought about seeing a doctor?”

5. VALIDATE EMOTIONS Simply acknowledging a person’s emotions can go a long way. It lets them know their thoughts and feelings are valid. Sometimes when a person is opening up, feelings of shame, guilt or doubt can arise. Acknowledging a person’s emotions can help open up the space to let them come to terms with how they feel.

6. BE COMFORTABLE WITH SILENCE People experience silence at different comfort levels. Finding a balance between your comfort level and the other person’s is an important tool that can be used in cultivating empathy. In some cases, where you or the other person is caught in a situation that makes it difficult to continue talking, silence can create the space for the person to think.

It can feel awkward at times since most of our society is bent on eliminating awkward tension through noise or distractions. But it can be an incredibly useful tool during situations where tensions are rising, or during interactions that become unproductive, unhealthy or off-topic. Allow yourself some time to explore the use of silence in conversations, as well as understanding how you feel about it.

7. PARAPHRASE AND SUMMARIZE THE SITUATION A good way to let the person know you were following the conversation is to occasionally restate the things she has said. An example would be: “So what I’m hearing is that you felt _____ because ________ happened. Is that correct?” Summarizing the story at the end of the conversation can help a person feel “heard” and appreciated.

AN EMPATHIC RESPONSE

My favorite piece of advice about empathy comes from author and researcher Brené Brown. She said “never does an empathic response begin with ‘at least.’” When someone shares something painful, we try to put a silver lining on it. “I had a miscarriage” “At least you know you can get pregnant.” “John is getting kicked out of school.” “At least Sarah is an A student.”

She goes on to say, rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection and a truly empathic response allows us to connect.