Ethical Non-Monogamy

Ethical Non-Monogamy

Part I: Being Present with Emotion

By: Dr. Kelsey Evans-Amalu

Within the past decade, mindfulness and ethical non-monogamy have risen in popularity. When looking at statistical evidence from a randomized poll of more than 1,300 U.S. adults, about one-third (32%) said their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree (Ballard, 2020). This jump in interest is not isolated to relationship models. According to the CDC (2018), mindfulness-based practices have tripled in popularity since 2012, where about 14% of the current United States population have tried meditation at least once in their life. With such a jump in interest in both lifestyle philosophies, we [at ALT LIFE Magazine] found it of interest to explore the intersection of both ideas in our first magazine and continue to break down a deeper understanding of how mindfulness may enhance ethical non-monogamy as a lifestyle practice. In exploring the combination of these two vast and multifaceted topics, we first begin with understanding the constructs of what mindfulness is and why it may be purposeful to use, as an anchoring tool of self-regulation and co-regulation in ethically non-monogamous relationships.

What Exactly is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness has certainly become common jargon used in everyday language, but the meaning is often lost in translation.. Before we dive deep into the “how to’s,” let's explore the “what” and “why”. Mindfulness is the ability and skill of intentionally bringing attention back to the present moment repeatedly throughout the activity of daily living (Kabat-Zinn, 2013). Mindfulness is essentially a lifestyle practice that is infused into daily activities or experiences. It requires focusing attention, from a neutral position, on what is happening internally and externally. Neutrality requires the initial intention of non-judgment, a kind of stepping back from the activity of assigning a meaning to what is happening. It is not passive but active watching and doing at the same time (Solloway, 1999, p. 6). Applying a mindful disposition to our experiences allows us to wade through the stories or perceptions of our own self and this includes experiences with non-monogamy as well.

Being Present with the Pleasant, Unpleasant, and Neutral

When developing mindfulness as a skill set, you will notice present-moment awareness, as mindfulness invites us to see things as they really are. We are invited to look deeply into all areas of our lives- even those that cause discomfort. The benefit of a mindful disposition and present moment awareness of our own self is that it can help us to categorize this noticing into three feeling states: pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral. Naturally, we as humans try to avoid the unpleasant and hold onto the pleasant. This is all well and good to a point, but overall, we may fall into resistance against what doesn’t feel good so that we don't experience any of the unpleasantness. Yet our resistance to the unpleasant may not let us experience the story we have about the unpleasant moment itself. For example, within non-monogamy there will naturally be situations that arise that may bring up pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral feelings. Non-monogamy can be emotionally challenging, no question where jealousy, shame, and other perceived unpleasant emotions may occur, and are natural human emotions that arise when other humans are involved. Yet mindfulness allows us a moment of introspection to engage and potentially challenge painful or uncomfortable feelings. Ironically, without mindfulness of self, we may create further pain for ourselves and others when our stories are leading the way rather than the reality of the experience. The more we can engage safely with unpleasant sensations through mindful awareness, the more we are able to shift the power of an unproductive story that may be holding us captive.

Applying Mindful Self-Inquiry to the Non-Monogamous Lifestyle

As previously mentioned, mindfulness allows the practitioner to experience the awareness of the full spectrum of sensations and feelings (pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral). What does this practice look like in real-time? How can you integrate this practice into everyday life?

Challenging emotions with mindfulness has three aspects:

NOTICE: Take a breath. Become present. Notice your physical body first- then become curious about what emotions are arising. Use these emotions as your reminder to take a step back and shift out of your ordinary habits.

REFRAME: Remember- the more we identify the feeling, the more we can separate from the story. Instead of saying “I am mad,” reframe to say, “I feel angry because…”. This statement may open new possibilities and allow for a deeper curiosity surrounding the story underneath.

REWIRE: This mindful moment of present-moment awareness and curiosity takes less than one minute to practice.The more we practice this inquiry-the greater our ability to activate new neural pathways in the brain creating a more supportive neural habit.

Mindfulness is like going to the gym- if we do not pick up the weights, it is highly unlikely there will be muscle development. So, take your brain to the gym. Your relationship with yourself and others will thank you for it. In February, we will continue to explore how mindfulness may enhance non-monogamy and the tools you can use in your day-to-day life.

References: Ballard, J. (2020, January 31). One-third of Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous. YouGov. Retrieved December 24, 2022, from https://today.yougov.com/topics/society/articles-reports/2020/01/31/millennials-monogamy-poly-poll-survey-data Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2018, November 8). Use of yoga and meditation becoming more popular in U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved December 24, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/nchs_press_releases/2018/201811_Yoga_Meditation.htm Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Full catastrophe living: Using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. Bantam Books. Solloway, S. (1999). Teachers as contemplative practitioners: Presence, meditation, and mindfulness as a classroom practice.