Discovering My "Not only... but also"

“Not only…but also”

By Ute Limacher-Riebold

When you are an adult third culture kid, a foreigner since birth like me, who has never lived in her parents’ country of origin (Germany in my case), you find ways to make every place your home. About 15 years ago, though, I decided to refuse being labelled as “neither…nor” and opt for a much healthier “I am not only…but also” attitude in all domains of my life, including professionally. Sometimes we only realize later how we ended up where we are today.

Growing up as a German in Northern Italy in the seventies and eighties was nothing exceptional— it felt normal for me, as many of my friends were experiencing the same kind of childhood. I grew up at the intersection of a highly international and very monolingual local community.

I was neither Italian nor German, neither local nor foreigner. In Germany we were the Italians, and in Italy we were the Germans. No matter how much we tried to fit in (my sister and I are natively fluent in Italian), people kept trying to make us fit into their boxes. I always found those boxes too narrow, stiff, and limiting. Experiencing a sense of “in between” from the start shaped me, and the feeling of being “neither…nor” burdened me for more than three decades across several countries.

Since I was a little child, I enjoyed the flexibility of switching between all my languages and cultures. I was fluent in five languages at age 18 and have added many others since. I remember when others, who weren’t that fluent in cultures and languages, found the otherness difficult to understand, I laid out the many reasons why “other” and “different” were normal, acceptable, and valuable. Building bridges between cultures is something that comes naturally to me.

Those who experience life in a different culture have the opportunity to gain a broader understanding of that culture, and sometimes end up embracing the other culture. When I moved to Switzerland for my studies, I discovered the many facets of this new Swiss culture on my own. I learned, for example, to appreciate the advantages of a more linear perspective of time (see Erin Meyer’s The Cultural Map). Punctuality, which seemed very intimidating and limiting to me at the beginning, quickly became a value and virtue I ended up embracing. What some might consider to be inflexibility can be interpreted as an expression of respect for other people’s time, a trait that renders you trustworthy. This particular habit came in very handy when I moved to the Netherlands more than 20 years later, where people value punctuality in a similar way. Nevertheless, the flexibility of last-minute decisions that determined my way of living in Italy as a child and later as a researcher is a cultural aspect I still maintain—I just decided it better suits my social life than my professional one.

In the same way I switch from one language and culture to another, I switch from one habit to another.

During my studies in Italian and French literature and linguistics, I dove deeply into these cultures and languages, explored their various voices across centuries, their history, the values and beliefs that helped me to understand their many facets and their underlying connections.

Literature and linguistics—the way we use language and the way language changes over time—have always been my passion. I perfected my skills, graduating with a PhD in medieval French literature and pursuing extensive research in Italian medieval literature.

As a lecturer of Italian historical linguistics at the University of Zurich, I taught students about the origin and the changes of the Italian language, and the way language is used to communicate effectively. Knowing dead languages like Latin, Old French, and Old Provençal, as well as many dialects and languages “on the side,” is a great pleasure and passion.

Colleagues in academia didn’t understand how I could be interested in collaborating in very interdisciplinary projects, like the works of Italian minor poets of the fourteenth century on one hand, and linguistics (namely lexicography—the study of dialects and minority languages), on the other. I assume the main issue was that they didn’t see the deeper connection of these disciplines! Once again, I was considered ne carne ne pesce, i.e., “neither meat nor fish,” whereas I was bridging the connection between literature and linguistics as a philologist.

After spending four years in Italy for my research on an Italian minor poet in Florence, returning to Switzerland was not an option. I intended to continue my path in academia, but it was “the wrong moment.” Bad timing. There was no job available, and as my husband and I needed to maintain our little family of three, we decided to accept my husband’s job offer in the Netherlands. I changed from being the sole bread winner to being a housewife within 48 hours.

This switch not being planned, and the academic landscape in the Netherlands turning out to be different from what I expected and needed at that time, I struggled to find affiliation. I spent years grieving a career I had been looking forward to. Es hat nicht sollen sein… (“It was not meant to be…”)

As much as I enjoyed spending more time with my son and my twin daughters, who were born a year after our arrival, I am not someone that likes to depend on her partner. Like many other accompanying partners, I had to make sense of what was happening and try to make the best of it. So, I kept on writing—scientific articles first, then posts for my blog. Studying and writing are my basic needs. They keep me sane.

"Reading makes immigrants of us all. It takes us away from home, but more important, it finds homes for us everywhere.” - Jean Rhys

I trained as a coach; perfected my English and Dutch; worked at a Dutch project; studied about raising children abroad, third culture kids, resilience, and interculturalism; and volunteered up to 20 hours per week at my children’s school.

When I was finally ready to steer my boat in a new direction, I re-assessed my skills and adjusted them to the new context. My degrees and specializations, the skills and languages I had acquired and learned along the way, were like pieces of a puzzle I was about to complete.

It was mostly through observing and listening to other international families that I found my vocation. Their struggle with accepting the local culture and language, the difficulty of understanding the “other”, and that what each culture considers “common sense” is not universal, led me to design talks and trainings that aimed at making cultures and languages more accessible, and finding strategies to communicate effectively in international settings. This was my why.

When I saw some of those families struggling to maintain their home languages whilst their children were schooled in another, I knew I could help. My knowledge about language acquisition, language learning, language shift, and language loss during my studies and with my students, as well as my ability to translate research and make it accessible to everyone, led me to develop another training about raising children with multiple languages successfully. I offered it to parents’ groups and schools and held talks and workshops.

Cultures can collide, but they are all connected at a deeper level. The same applies to languages. Cultures and languages are deeply intertwined and I found a way to link them in my services as an intercultural language consultant.

I found in multilingualism and intercultural communication my ikigai, my reason for being, my vocation. Once again, it is at the intersection of my interests and skills that I find my place: I’m not only a philologist, I’m also an interculturalist; not only a consultant, but also a trainer; I thrive not only in the German and Italian languages and cultures, but also in the French, Dutch, SwissGerman, and all those I explore thanks to my friends and clients.

At Ute’s International Lounge I support multilingual families, helping them maintain their languages and cultures whilst learning and integrating new ones into their life, and I help internationals communicate effectively within their family and the societies in which they live.

Ute Limacher-Riebold, PhD, is an expert in intercultural communication and is a language consultant for multilingual families. At Ute’s International Lounge she helps international families adapt to other cultures and languages while maintaining their own, and become effective communicators in international settings. She offers all her services in English, Italian, German, French, and Dutch. Ute has lived abroad since birth in Italy, Switzerland, and France, and she currently lives in the Netherlands with her husband and three children.

Website: http://www.utesinternationallounge.com

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/utelimacherriebold

Blog: https://www.expatsincebirth.com