Who Are You Really? Tim Sanford

Who Are You Really?

By Tim Sanford, with Michael Pollock and Darci Nealeigh

You arrive at airport security.

“May I see your ID?”

You show the agent your passport, right?

“ID” means identification; it proves you are you, not somebody else. But what is your full identity? What “identifies” you as you?

“I’m a TCK (or fill in the blank)—that’s my identity!”

But is it? I grew up with a third culture kid experience, too. It is our shared experience and it helps mold our identity, but it is not our identity.

As a licensed psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience, I realize identity is a critical issue for each of us to understand and come to terms with. I have come to see our full identity as having three elements. You need to include all three if you want to be a complete, integrated person.

Your Raw Identity

Michelangelo said, “Every block of stone has a statue inside it, and it is the task of the sculptor to discover, not create, it” (italics mine). Think of it this way: we each start off as a block of marble, and while your block may have the same dimensions as every other block in the quarry of humanity, each block has its own unique color “grain.” Your raw identity is what you are when you are born: the combination of your biology (homo sapiens; sex: male/female; natural eye and hair color), your sociology (location you were born, ethnicity, specific family, birth order), and psychology (temperament and aptitudes). When you add up all these specific features, only one human being fits that exact description: you. This is your raw identity—who you are when you became a human being. This is your nature.

And, like it or not, you do not have any control over your raw identity. God, or nature—call it what you want—dictates this element of your identity. Your hair color and even your citizenship can be changed; however, those changes indicate a movement away from how you began.

Your Developing Identity

Early on in your life, key people and events began chiseling away at your marble block of raw identity. This is how the “you” began taking shape; the nurture side of the nature/ nurture balance. This is where your TCK experience developed and molded you deeply and permanently, even neurologically. As others chiseled away at you, they may have cooperated with the statue inside your block of marble, or they shaped you into what they wanted you to be or thought you “should” be. The more those people and events cooperated with the natural “grain” of your raw identity, the better foundation you acquired to finalize an integrated and complete identity. The more they attempted to force their idea of who you “should be” into the marble, the more scratches, gouges, and pain you endured. And, once again, you had little or no control over your developing identity.

These two elements are largely ignored in Western, but particularly American culture, thinking about identity. This is mainly because the American mindset believes in having total choice and control over everything impacting us. That is a nice illusion, but it is just that, an illusion… a lie. We all can get pulled into this illusion.

Your Lived-Out Identity

Finally, we come to the element you do have choice and at least a good degree of control over; how you choose to live out the identity called “you.” Who you connect with and how you choose to present yourself to others is yours to choose. From a mental health and integrity standpoint, it is critically important your lived-out identity is as consistent and congruent with your raw identity as possible. This is what is meant by the word integrated: having all the pieces of your being fitting together in the way they were designed to fit.

I am citizen of the United States of America, from the family of Sanford, white, an only child and male (pieces of my raw identity). I am a TCK from Ecuador (and proud of it) and moved 26 times before graduating from high school (developing identity). Whether I like it or not, that is “me.” That is my identity. There is nothing to brag about, but nothing to be ashamed of either. I had zero choice over any of these pieces of my identity. So today I continue to discover the “statue” inside me. I accept how I was born and shaped, and choose to behave as wisely, humbly, and as open-mindedly as I can (lived-out identity). That is the complete me, that is my real identity: Tim Sanford.

What’s Your Identity?

If you lived—or are living—the TCK experience, you are so much more than the collection of your experiences.

So, who are you… really? What is your raw identity? Not sure? Write out all the pieces of your raw identity so you know where you began. It might surprise you. Accept your raw identity as your starting point, like it or not.

Your TCK experience was a huge part of your developing identity, just like it was for me. What key people or events chiseled away at you during those years? Embrace all these as part of the story of how you developed.

Finally, is your lived-out identity—your choices, your worldview, your everyday living, your selfperception—congruent and consistent with your raw and developing identity? If not, figure out what you are trying to “disown” about yourself and why; otherwise, you will be living with a disjointed sense of self and autonomy.

Discovering your identity is a journey—a quest— to understand who you really are. Be patient with yourself and the process along the way. Know too, there are skilled people who are willing to walk alongside you as you become the real you. When these three elements are understood and woven together, you are fully “you,” and you will have a sense of inner balance and completeness.

So, the next time somebody asks, “May I see your ID?” think about your full identity as you hand them your information. Hopefully, it will bring a smile to your face.

Questions to Ponder

1. How do I start embracing the difficult or painful parts of my developing identity?

2. How can I assess my livedout identity and identify if I am actually living out my true beliefs?

3. How do I become more authentic and truly myself when it feels scary and maybe even unsafe to do so?

4. What people in my life could I turn to and ask for guidance in becoming the truest form of myself?

Tim Sanford is a TCK from Ecuador. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado with extensive training in areas of communication, trauma, attachment theory and application, and experiential therapy. Tim has authored several books and published over 100 articles in the United States and other countries; his works have been translated into 10 different languages.