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VOL. XL.. NO. 24

Copyright © 2008 The Canchor

PROVIDENCE, TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2008

Late Edition Providence: Today, sunny with chance of raining frogs, high 43. Tonight, expect flaming hail storms, low 23-80. Tomorrow. Locust swarms, high 46. Yesterday, rivers ran with blood. High 98.5, low 98.5. Weather map, page 26.

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RIC Hires New President President Robert “Bobby K” Kazarian Takes Over Administration Effective Immediately

By Barney Nickelbacksucks Canchor Snuffleupagus Big news hit the Rhode Island College campus on Saturday when, in a press conference, RIC President John Nazarian announced that a new president has been selected.

“We were looking for a president with close ties to the RIC campus,” said Nazarian.

“We decided to elect a graduating member of the Class of 2008, and unanimously we selected Robert “Bobby K” Kazarian.”

Kazarian, 22, accepted the key to the President’s House and was quoted as saying “I run this shit!” Kazarian immediately hired Craig Killaway as his VicePresident of Student Affairs and Chair of the Fantasy Football Team Selection Committee.

Nazarian then persuaded Kazarian to sign the first bill that would affect students here at RIC, which would sell Craig-Lee Hall on Craig’s List.

“The money we yield

from selling Craig-Lee Hall should be enough to buy a working treadmill for the Rec. Center,” said Kazarian.

“We are asking for $220 for Craig-Lee on Craig’s List,” said Craig Killaway. “We were going to sell Gaige Hall, but I don’t think that would go for much more. Besides, we need a place for those giant lecture hall Psychology classes that everyone cuts.”

Secretary of Student Community Govuhment Inc. Christopher E. Buonanno (long enough title?) said that he was “gonna vom” when he heard the announcement.

“Hopefully this brings about much improvement to the keg parties currently held at the president’s house,” said Buonanno. “Salute!”

Buonanno was later seen pounding back Cognac and pitifully playing Rock Band in the Media Center. It was said that he scored a 95% on drums on “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

Breaking Story: The Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything unveiled, page 42

RIC Opens Clown School

By Beau Zoclown Canchor Editor Rhode Island College announced recently that they will be adding another school to the college. This school will train students on how to become all different kinds of clowns. The clown school will be named Krusty’s Clown College and is projected to be ready for the fall of this year.

The new department is named after Krusty the Clown from the animated sitcom, The Simpsons. The Fox network donated $30 million toward the school so that the name could be used for marketing their hit TV show. There will be a new building erected where the soccer field currently resides.

When it was asked why they were building it there, the response was, “No one comes to the games anyway.” So it is with a heavy heart that the soccer program is replaced with Krusty’s Clown College.

The new state-of-the-art facility will have rooms with soft walls to afford practice space for doing acrobatic tricks. It will also have an indoor and outdoor trapeze. The building will be very tall to accommodate this as well as a high wire. There will be a bakery in the building to provide pies

for the students to throw at each other and to put their own faces into.

Other highlights to the new building include a room filled with unicycles and a soft floor for landing/falling as well as a room where the floor is a trampoline and the ceiling is higher to allow for bouncing. This school will have its own store that will sell items such as red noses, balloons, juggling balls and make-up.

There will a variety of classes offered and many master classes given by well known clowns. Some of the classes that will be offered include Balloon Crafts, Beginner Unicycle, Intermediate Juggling and How to Tell a Joke. There will also be classes that help develop the students clown character, costumes and make-up.

The faculty expects big things from this new addition to Rhode Island College. Dr. Peniston a Gynecologist from Health Services said “I look forward to the positive outcome that inevitably will come from adding a clown school.” He also added that he looks forward to seeing the students pull handkerchiefs out of interesting places.

For more information on Krusty’s Clown College, please contact

Stretchy Virginia at 456-8280.

Student Body President Nick Lima swears new RIC President Bobby Kazarian into office.

Donovan Dining Center Passes Health Inspection Students (and Employees) Shocked

By Maria Pscello Canchor Editor Last week, Donovan Dining Center was visited for a surprise health inspection. Management was quite pleased to announce that the Donovan facilities passed, for once, with flying colors.

“I was truly quite surprised,” said Gary Kenser, Health Inspector for the state. “I’ve inspected Donovan several times before and

we’ve always had a fair amount of trouble with this establishment in the past.”

“It really wasn’t all that big of a deal, us passing,” commented Donovan’s director. “Our facilities are 5-star as far as I’m concerned.”

Some students, however, remain skeptical of the state inspector’s ruling.

Junior Mandy Larking remembers being greatly disturbed at finding a live spider

in her grapes. “I couldn’t eat the fruit there again for months,” she added.

Senior Mike Dennis recalled with disdain finding a small, curly, black hair in his macaroni and cheese. “There’s no way they passed that inspection without some sort of foul play,” he commented.

Several sources have sug-

Continued, page 3

SCG Secretary Christopher Buonanno Steals Teddy Bear From Henry Barnard School Impeachment Pending Story on page 3

Disclaimer: If you read every article and disclaimer in this paper, you will be rewarded with cake.

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April 1, 2008

BitTits Pokemon Training Tutorial Wednesday, April 3 at 12:30 p.m. on the Quad Bring your starter! We will level you up or your money back!

Papsmears on the Quad Thursday, April 4 at 3:30 p.m.

Sponsored by Students for Reliable Free Papsmears for All Sexes Canchor Meeting Friday, April 5 at 25:69 a.m.

Free pizza and condoms will be served!

Gender Holocaust Mandatory Study Session Topic: Elimination of Mankind and its Effect on Society Monday, April 7 at 3:45 p.m. in Horace-Mann 420 Feinstein UFO Landing Tuesday, April 8 at 1:14 p.m.

El. Ed. Majors should attend!

Zombie Attack on Gaige Hall Monday, April 7 at 3:33 a.m.

Bring a weapon… or an extra limb… contacts & fine print General ...............401.456.8280 Advertising...........401.456.8544 Fax.....................401.456.8792 Web ...........www.anchorweb.org General Info .info@anchorweb.org The Anchor is student-run and published weekly during the academic year. Editorial decisions for The Anchor are made by a majority vote of its student editorial board. No form of censorship will be imposed by the college. Any material found to be unsuitable or unacceptable in the board’s opinion will not be published.

The views expressed in The Anchor, unless otherwise noted, are those of the individual authors and do not necessarily represent those of The Anchor or of Rhode Island College’s faculty, administration or student body.

The first copy is free. Each additional copy is $2.25. All rights reserved. Copyright © 2007, The Anchor.

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April 1, 2008

Page 3

News The Canchor

Donovan Dining Center Passes Health Inspection Students (and Employees) Shocked

By Casey Gaul Canchor Editor Last week Donovan Dining Center was visited for a surprise health inspection. Management was quite pleased to announce that the Donovan facilities passed, for once, with flying colors.

“I was truly quite surprised,” said Gary Kenser, Health Inspector for the state. “I’ve inspected Donovan several times before and we’ve always had a fair amount of trouble with this establishment in the past.”

“It really wasn’t all that big of a deal, us passing,” commented Donovan’s head director.

“Our facilities are 5-star as far as I’m concerned.”

Some students, however, remain skeptical of the state inspector’s ruling. Junior Mandy Larking also remembers being greatly disturbed at finding a live spider in her grapes. “I couldn’t eat the fruit there again for months…” she added.

Senior Mike Dennis recalled with disdain finding a small, curly, black hair in his macaroni and cheese. “There’s no

way they passed that inspection without some sort of foul play,” he commented.

Several sources have suggested that bribes may have been paid though, surprisingly, not to the inspector himself.

“They’ve likely finally gotten themselves a mole in the state department,” said one anonymous Donovan employee. “That day the manager was all up on our backs to keep to the health codes, moreso than usual. And BAM! the inspector shows up that afternoon. Someone tipped him off if you ask me..”

These rumors remain unfounded and investigations into the possible scandal remain inconclusive.

O A

Organs Found in Donovan Dining Center

By Barb E. Dahl Canchor Staff On March 28, as Donovan’s kitchen was being remodeled to make room for a toxic waste dump, a shocking discovery was made. After tearing down one of the walls in the far left corner of the kitchen, a room full of frozen severed organs and was revealed. The variety of the organs ranged from hearts, livers, stomachs, to even brains (some with the head still attached).

“We believe this is part of an organ harvesting circle,” said Providence Police Department spokesperson, Dick Cravin, in a press release this Saturday.

“We cannot say for sure where these organs came from but we believe it could have something to do with the missing students at Rhode Island College.” For those of you that have been living under a rock for the past six months, this statement refers to the unusual amount missing people reports filed by the friends and families of RIC students.

Even more shocking was the news that Donovan’s had been using some of the organs in their food. “Well I thought that that room was a meat locker and some of the organs looked remarkably like pork so…” says Chris P. Bacon, one of the cooks at the Donovan Dining Center.

Some students were

more shocked by this news than others. “I’m still in disbelief,” exclaims Ben Dover, a senior at RIC, “It never really occurred to me that something like this could happen here.”

“Oh, so that’s where my kidney went. I’ve been wondering where I put that,” says Bud Weiser who, three months prior to this incident, had gotten totally plastered at a party and woke up to find stitches in his side. But Weiser wasn’t the only one to find a missing organ at Donovan. Among the other organs there was the right half of Anna Recksik’s brain and John S. Hall’s detachable penis. As for the missing students, there is a lot of doubt as to whether they’re still alive…a lot of doubt.

Two Survivors of the September 4th Massacre Found

By Almira Banks Canchor Staff September 4th of 2007 is a day which rankles deeply in the scales of those who remember the travesty. Approximately 756 brave goldfish lost their lives in the few weeks (if not the few days) following that infamous event.

Almost 30 individuals are still unaccounted for.

There are, however, two survivors currently residing in a cozy tank castle at the Media Center. Anne and Cory Fish have done what so few of their companions could: survive the meaningless carnage that was Move-In Day. “I remember it like it was three seconds ago,” recalls Cory Fish. “We were kept in a giant cooler in the dark for hours. We were sloshed around without abandon.”

“Some of us died before they even opened the lid and started… distributing us… They were the lucky ones,” said Anne Fish.

That day, many fish were crowded two or three at a time into tiny, flimsy tanks and put into the care of a much feared creature laughingly referred to as a “college student”. From there, only rumors are known of the horrors and carelessness which these innocent fish suffered. Some were said to have been left without a thought or

sustenance for days, left to starve to death in the cold, dry atmosphere of the dorms. Others were merely abandoned all together, or flushed away before their time.

“The humans aren’t all bad,” admitted Anne. “My human watched over me and my tank mate.

Had he not gone insane right after…

Move-In Day… he would have survived long enough for her to move us to a bigger tank. She was so devastated when he died…”

“I met Anne when the human adopted my tank mates and me from my ‘owner’. By that time, however, it was too late for them,” said Cory.

“But we live very comfortably now. The people in the office seem happy to see us and feed us plenty often. The water is clean, and we have a nice castle to live in.

There’s not much to complain about really. We are the lucky few.

But we will never forget our brothers and sisters who were carried to their deaths that day.”

Anne and Cory have lived in the Anchor Office for seven months now. To this day, they remain healthy and fairly happy.

They wish to extend a message to all, in hopes of reconnecting with any family or friends who may also have survived September 4th, 2007.

Donovan, from front

Buonanno, from page 5... oops... guess it’s actually on page 18

gested that bribes may have been paid though, surprisingly, not to the inspector himself.

“They’ve likely finally gotten themselves a mole in the state department,” said one anonymous Donovan employee. “That day, the manager was all up on our backs to keep to the health codes, moreso than usual. And BAM! the inspector shows up that afternoon.

Someone tipped him off if you ask me.”

These rumors remain unfounded and investigations into the possible scandal remain inconclusive.surprisingly, not to the inspector himself.

“They’ve likely finally gotten themselves a mole in the state department,” said one anonymous Donovan employee. “That day the manager was all up on our backs to keep to the health codes, moreso than usual. And BAM! the inspector shows up that afternoon. Someone tipped him off if you ask me..”

These rumors remain unfounded and investigations into the possible scandal remain inconclusive.

Page 4

April 1, 2008

Zombie News The Canchor

Zombies Appear From Gaige Hall Basement

By Laura Horton Canchor Staff On Tuesday, March 18, after all classes were finished and as many professors were leaving to head home, strange noises started to come from the basement of Gaige Hall.

One brave professor, Professor Harry Hooker, went down the stairs and was hoping to see what all that noise was coming from. As he was going down the stairwell, he heard many grunts and groans. He thought there were students down in the basement up to no good, if you know what I mean.

As he continued, he realized that he guessed wrong and from what eyewitnesses say, Professor Hooker screamed like a twelve year old girl who just got a glance of Justin Timberlake and crapped his pants.

Zombies were the cause of all the ruckus. Once these zombies were discovered, Campus Police where called. By the time that they arrived to Gaige Hall, the zombies were all ready gone and were running rampant on to the campus. Campus Police have been very busy this month and had too much stuff on their hands and could not make it in time. The zombies were pretty

much everywhere but the question remained as to who are these zombies are and where they all came from.

A student who left the Café around 10pm bumped into one of these zombies and realized it was their old roommate who disappeared a week into the Fall 2007 semester. It appeared that these zombies were students who were possible Freshman who were taken in by former President Nazarian as a project to see how long people would last in the basement. When Nazarian was asked about the zombies, he stated that he wanted to do something fun before he retired and forgot all about them a few weeks into the project. He also said that he was very sorry for this.

Once Campus Police were no longer busy with the drugs and scandals on campus, they finally got to the zombies. A total of 30 zombies were found on campus and another 10 more were still in the Gaige Hall basement. Because of Nazarian’s mistake, President Kazarian will allow these students to return to school for the Fall 2008 semester.

By Grace Ionata Canchor Staff The month of March has been quite an eventful one at Rhode Island College. Students are out of control. It’s anarchy on campus and the campus police are having a rough time keeping things under control. There were quite a few drug complaints in residence hall areas during the month of March. On March 2, there was a report of drugs in Sweet Hall. Police discovered five kilograms of cocaine at the scene of the crime. On March 7, students were found smoking marijuana in the New Residence Hall.

As finals draw near, students find it comforting to take these drugs to get away from

everyday life. When asked how students can afford to pay for these illegal drugs, an anonymous student said, “I use my tuition money to pay for my high.”

In the month of March there were several reports of car theft. On March 14, there was an incident of car theft in front of Roberts Hall.

Apparently, students wanted to take a joy ride down Mt. Pleasant Avenue. There was a report of drunk driving on March 18 in Parking Lot K. There was another report of drunk driving on March 24. Bozo the Clown came to Rhode Island College to teach at the new clown school in Craig Lee. He was seen recklessly driving a golf cart through the quad and running students over.

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Student Organizations on campus will get their first ad free each academic year. After that they will pay the same rates as everybody else, without any discounts. RIC departments get a 50% discount.

Also, there were many fire alarms. On March 7, students set off the fire alarm in the New Residence Hall because they were smoking marijuana(as seen above). On March 10 there was a fire alarm in Sweet Hall from burnt popcorn. On March 22, a student set fire to his roommate’s bed in Thorp Hall.

There were a few miscellaneous incidents occurring during the month of March as well. There was a report of zombies in Gaige Hall on March 18. On March 20, there was a report of gang bang in Weber Hall.

On March 25, there was a report of attempted suicide in the Media Center. Anchor Editor Andrew Massey saved the student from certain death.

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Rhode Island College • RIC is a public college located in Providence, the stateʼs capital. RIC serves approximately 9,000 students.

• Over 1,000 students reside in campus resident halls.

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April 1, 2008

Dolphin News

Page 5

The Canchor

Music Majors Invade Whipple Hall Practice Room Shortage Cited

By I. McIntel Canchor Editor Communications Majors are in an uproar today as they arrived at class to find that the second floor of Whipple Hall has been overtaken by members of the Music Department.

“We’ve been begging the administration for more practice space for years!” said Dick Gayson, fagotto performance major. “Our requests have been denied, so a group of us got together and decided to take action.”

they’re turning half of the building into a half-assed Sea World” said John Smith, a Mongolian throat singing major. RIC officials state that the Marine Studies program takeover of the Nazarian Center was the leaving president’s last wish before retiring this Spring.

Cockroach, a Communications major. “I wish I’d known that we actually had people performing on campus.”

Some Communications Majors do not mind the change.

“I’ve enjoyed hearing the music in the building,” said Marah

The preschoolers were on nap time and unavailable for comment as we go to press.

Other Communications majors plan their response by overtaking the nearby Cooperative Preschool shack.

The Canchor contacted Dr. Franz Brow, assistant chair of the Department of Music, Theatre, and Dance for comment.

Says Brow: “We did an extensive survey of practice room usage.

Our results helped determine peak usage, but ultimately we had to tell the students to find alternative practice spaces.”

“It’s bad enough that

Buonanno, from front... actually... it’s on page 3

Marine Sciences Program to be Added to RIC

By Eyllek Nitram Canchor Editor Rhode Island College has announced recently that the Fall 2008 semester will bring a new field of study. In order to compete with the University of Rhode Island, the other state school, RIC will be adding a Marine Sciences Major. URI is well known for their Marine Sciences program and RIC officials feel that in order to bring in more students to the college, they must have a program to compete with this. RIC has recently purchased 3 bottle nose dolphins and an orca from the former Sea World of Chicago and these creatures will be housed in the soon-to-be-renovated Sapinsley Hall.

Although the program is just starting, Ethyl Antonio, the head of the biology department, expects it to be a big hit. “The addition of the marine exhibit will really help us out,” she stated “we don’t have easy access to the ocean, so we brought the marine life to us.”

In addition to the marine exhibit, several of the rooms in the Nazarian building will be transformed into biology

laboratories so that students may be able to better study the material. The addition of the new major will also lead to the hiring of 12 new full time professors and several new janitors.

Unfortunately, the chemicals needed to remove the fishy smell will prevent the new labs from being “green.”

Antonio said that the new program of study will add the following; MOLLUSK 101 – Basic Marine Biology (Mollusk stands for marine, ocean, land, life, under sea kreaturers, the department thought it would be easier to say Mollusk), MOLLUSK 102 - Advanced Marine Biology, MOLLUSK 202 – Underwater Geography, MOLLUSK 205 – The Biology of Seaweed, MOLLUSK 301 – The Composition of Water, MOLLUSK 350 – Topics in Under Water Stuff, among other classes.

It is currently expected that approximately 326 students will enroll in these classes, preparing them for jobs in Oceanography and Marine Biology.

For more information on the program please contact Ethyl Antonio in the Biology and Marine Sciences Department.

Sapinsley Hall to be Converted to Marine Exhibit

By Eboo Shea Canchor Editor Sapinsley Hall, located within the Nazarian Center for the Performing Arts, is slated to be converted from a performance space to a marine exhibit at the conclusion of the spring semester.

Office space and practice rooms on the second floor of the Nazarian Center will also be renovated to accommodate the exhibit’s staff. The project’s necessity stems from the closure of the Recreation Center pool earlier this year.

An administration official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, furnished an explanation for the seemingly drastic move. “There is currently no location on campus sufficient in size to house the aquatic mammals purchased for the new Marine Sciences program. In order for the major to be in place in time for the fall semester, this project needs to proceed in a timely manner.

Without the alterations to the building, neither the orca nor the three bottlenose dolphins purchased from the now-defunct Sea World theme park in Chicago will have a place to go otherwise.”

Additionally, a portion of the black box style Forman Theater, will be closed off to make room for the filtration system necessary for the animals’ survival. The result will be a unique triangular space which the administration hopes will provide the Department of Music, Theatre, and Dance with a more modern venue for performances than the more traditional Forman and Sapinsley spaces presently offer.

The new yet unnamed facility, whose construction was the leaving wish of former college president Nazarian, will host aquatic mammal shows and will guarantee Marine Sciences majors, along with the general public, firsthand experience with the animals. The hope is that the shows will generate enough revenue to offset the cost of the program’s installation in the first year and bring in extra funds for the rest of the college in the following years. This venture is one of many being pursued in order to quell negative reactions to a proposed double-digit percent tuition increase over the next two years.

The

Department

of

Music, Theatre, and Dance denounced the plans to scrap the hall as unacceptable considering the lack of performance space at present and suggested that the repercussions of moving forward would be less than desirable. Bill Wallach, a Music major concentrating in bagpipe performance, reasoned that “they can take away our performance hall but they can never take away our practice rooms! We’ll just

have to make more.” Mariel Liliha, a freshman planning on enrolling in the new Marine Sciences major in the fall, countered saying, “You can play your oboes and ocarinas anywhere. We need a place to put our whales. Should the plan be in jeopardy, we will state our case and alert Save the Whales to the situation.”

If the plans proceed

according to schedule, demolition to Sapinsley Hall will begin immediately following undergraduate commencement exercises on May 17.

The necessary modifications to the Forman Theater and second floor rooms will be underway by June 1 in order to afford crews enough time to complete the project by the start of the fall semester on September 2.

Page 6

April 1, 2008

News The Canchor

Spencer Hall, P.I.

By Siggy Gato Canchor Contributor An underground plagiarism group that has been operating on the Rhode Island College campus for an unspecified number of years was finally ferreted out this week by an English professor.

Professor Spencer Hall, a member of the English department and director of the College Honors program, busted the ring which he had been working on since his entrance to the college community.

“Most people are not aware of the fact that I am not just highly educated in the field of English, I also happen to be a licensed Private Investigator” Hall said.

For many years students have wondered what was going on with Hall’s day to day regalia of a fedora and trench coat. One student had even gone so far as to mention “he looks like an old fashioned private eye, you know? A flat foot, a gum shoe.”

Coming to RIC was a decision Hall made in order to make the greatest use of all of his skills. The school was having a problem with students gaining possession of tests before they were given and with plagiarism in papers but were having a difficult time in pinpointing the culprits.

That is where Hall comes in. His particular set of skills as both an educator and an investigator were the unique blend that was exactly what RIC was in need of at the time.

Now that Hall has completed his investigation and his cover has been blown, his future seems uncertain. “There is a real sense of accomplishment that comes with finally ending this case and I have thoroughly enjoyed all of my work here, but I am not quite sure that I am ready to give up on my investigations at this time. We will have to wait and see what comes next.”

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Honorable Mention Of The Week

Seal

UFO Lands on Quad Surprise Visitor from Outer Space Modifies Curriculum

By Shrek Canker Sore During the free period Wednesday, an Unidentified Flying Object (UFO) hovered over the quad, eventually touching down before hundreds of intrigued students (and a few whining socialists).

The UFO, which landed about 1:14 p.m., was manned by none other than Alan Shawn Feinstein, you know, the old fart who donates a shit ton of money to RIC to get his name on everything.

“Greetings to the RIC community,” said Feinstein, his geriatric bones creaking with every turn. “My name is Alan Shawn Feinstein, and I am here to donate to your school in order to get my name on the New Hall.”

President Kazarian, who had to do a Feinstein Good Deeds book in 3rd grade, obliged, because he “runs this shit.”

Feinstein, with the blessings of the new President of the campus (in exchange for season tickets to Patriots games), then donated $5 to the College: more than anyone had in years.

Physical Plant then promptly renamed New Residence Hall as “Feinstein Hall.” Their response time was about three hours; this went in the record books as the fastest response to a work order in Physical Plant history.

Feinstein then said he had a few basic wishes for the curriculum of the College.

“I feel the Elementary Education B.S. curriculum is weak,” said Feinstein. “The curriculum needs more lab

sciences.

I propose adding Biology 111, 112, 113, 238, and three other Chemistry electives, as well as Physics 200, 201 and 202.”

The Physics classes require prerequisites of Calculus I and II, which, Feinstein said, would “make our first grade teachers more marketable.”

“Our El. Ed. Majors should also be required to take music lessons every semester, so Music 091 with a performance will be required every semester,” said Feinstein.

Feinstein then added six semesters of any modern language to the curriculum, as well as 20 credits each of Economics, Philosophy and Math classes at least 400-level.

“Contrary to popular belief, this can easily be done in four years, including six semesters of practicum,” said Feinstein.

Director of OASIS Albus Dumbledore said that he feels the changes are a bit much.

“Why the hell am I in this article,” said Dumbledore, picking his nose.

Sophomore Anita Andrews then insisted that Dumbledore died in Book 6.

Freshman Ashley Granger, however, said that Dumbledore “lives” and is proud to “be a Dumbledore-Hermione shipper since day one.”

“Shippers are pathetic,” said Kazarian, eating a fresh Subway sandwich and playing baseball on his Wii. “Anyways, I am completely okay with renaming our school the Feinstein University.”

Feinstein said he would return to RIC to make sure that

only one section of each required course will be offered to “encourage healthy competition”.

He was later ticketed by Campus Police for parking his UFO on the Quad.

“Feinstein needs to realize that we added spots in the Student Union Loop so more people can fit their vehicles closer to the classroom buildings,” said Officer Starbucks. “When people like Feinstein park their UFOs on the Quad, it encourages decadence. Besides, the windows are two shades of tint too dark.

This is illegal.”

Feinstein then moved his UFO to the roof of Horace Mann and slid down the chimney with a sack of applications to the Feinstein program.

The program now requires students to take 11 exams, each which takes 12 hours a piece to complete and cost $500 to take, in order to get admission into the Feinstein School of Education before September of their freshman year.

Incoming freshmen must also now take 50 credit hours of summer courses before being admitted into the Feinstein program. If freshmen do not complete General Education before beginning their fall semester, they will be shot.

“It’s that easy,” said Feinstein. “Do your work or don’t teach the Feinstein Curriculum at Feinstein Elementary in the State of Rhode Island and Feinstein Plantations.”

“Sleep is for pussies,” he added, petting his happilysnoozing cat, which is also named Feinstein.

JOHN LENNON SIGHTED ON CAMPUS

John Lennon reading the paper

John Lennon visiting the SOS office

John Lennon visiting the internets

John Lennon in The John Lennon

John Lennon eating lunch John Lennon looking at the world through rose colored glasses Disclaimer: In order to receive your cake please call 456-8280

Disclaimer: The Canchor will not prevent pregnancy. However reading it may cause you to have a lack of sexual activity.

Page 8

April 1, 2008

Sports The Canchor

B o b Wa l s h : Movin On Up Kameron Spaulding “This school has been terrific to me and I will miss all the guys,” was the comment from former men’s basketball head coach Bob Walsh after last Friday’s press conference.

Walsh announced that he will be taking the vacated head coaching job at Providence College.

Rhode Island College Athletic Director Don Tencher stated that a nationwide search for a new coach will begin immediately.

In a weird twist of fate, Walsh will be replacing the man that hired him for his first coaching job, Tim Welsh. Walsh got his start in college coaching when he served as an administrative assistant on Welsh’s staff at Iona from 1994-1996 while working on his Master’s Degree in Mass Communications and Public Relations. Walsh was hired again by Welsh when he moved to PC. Walsh spent seven seasons as an assistant coach with the Providence College basketball program before coming to RIC. Walsh will end his HC stint at RIC with a record of 6921. He also led RIC to two

straight LEC Tournament wins and NCAA appearances. “RIC has become a nationally known program under Coach Walsh and I expect him to improve PC’s program really quickly as well.”

Commented ESPN’s Bob Knight after hearing of the hiring.

“My first mission is to get us on the national recruiting scene.” Walsh added at the press conference. To do this, he plans on looking up 4 star recruit Mfon Udofia and then Lance Stephenson, the 6’5” point guard from Lincoln High in NY.

AD Tencher added that no coach has separated from the pack to be the new head coach there are a few names floating around. David Hixon the head coach at Amherst and Pat Clarke a URI assistant are the leading candidates. Tencher also had no idea how Walsh leaving will affect the decision of Jesse Reimink, a star forward at Hope College, to transfer into RIC. The 6-5 Reimink averaged 12 points and 6 rebounds last year.

Soccer Program Cut From RIC

By Virginia Smalls Canchor Editor The sports program at Rhode Island College will be incurring a huge loss next semester.

The administration announced plans to cut the soccer team to make room for the new clown college.

As the building for this new department will be erected where the soccer field used to be, there is nowhere else for them to play.

Both the men’s and women’s soccer teams have been fairly successful on the playing field and the coaches are distraught that the program is being dismantled. The money that used to go to the soccer teams are now going towards making men’s basketball a division 1 team.

Since the old basketball coach has announced his career move to Providence College, a new coach has very big shoes to fill with high expectations.

The

consensus among the exsoccer stars of RIC is that they are not sure what to do with their time now that they do not have practice or games to occupy their time.

When I asked students on campus how they felt about this new announcement JD Salisbury responded, “We have a soccer team?” Sadly, not many students are aware of the athletic prowess that is RIC soccer. Perhaps that is why it is being cut.

Many athletes have told me that with their newfound free time they plan on taking up such great habits as snorting cocaine and playing in traffic. “The new clown school is driving us to our deaths,” said a player who chose not to have their

name revealed.

In order to save the soccer players from certain death, there is a petition being passed around to save the soccer field and thus keep the program alive. The petition is also available online at www.thecanchor.com.

Help save lives and the field. Clowns are scary!

IQL Mid-Season Preview

By Neil Osborn Canchor Contributor.

It has been an exciting year in the International Quidditch League, and we’re well on the way to an exciting World Cup this summer. Let’s take a look at the final match-ups for the season.

The Fitchburg Finches vs. The Chudley Cannons. It’s the revolutionary war all over again when the Massachusettsnative Finches battle against England’s Cannons. Maximus Brankovitch III, The US Seeker, has been giving all the Finches’ games a very early, very happy ending through the national playoffs and the international matches so far. However, the Cannons may get some new supporters across the pond by the recent recruitment of one Ronald Weasley as Keeper.

Weasley, as some may recall, was crucial to the final defeat of He-Who-We-Will-Never-EverAgain-Talk-About-In-Case-HeComes-Back-A-Second-Time over ten years ago. As for Weasley’s ability, Beater Joey Jenkens says “He’s great! No matter where in the field he is, the quaffle always seems to hit him! Right in the old bits! He whines a bit after, but he never lets the quaffle through.” It is certain that one of these teams will certainly arrive to this year’s World Cup. The match will be held next Saturday, April 5, around Greenland.

The Grodzisk Goblins vs. The Vrasta Vultures. This is arguably the most tactically interesting match in the season due to the fame of the teams’ seekers. The Vultures, from Bulgaria, have just gained an exclusive contract with Victor Krum. Krum was the seeker for

the Bulgarian National Team back when they made the World Cup in 1994. Though they lost that match, Krum was the one who caught the snitch for that game, and he was noted as using a famous feint technique developed by Josef Wronski, who just happens to be the seeker for Poland’s Goblins.

Clearly, the real match will be high above the pitch as these two noted strategists try to outfox each other. It’s truly 50/50 odds with this one. The match will be held on April 10 in the Carpathian Mountains.

The Mouthohora Macaws vs. The Toyohashi Tengu. Our friends in the Pacific are doing something very interesting. In order to attract new fans, both teams are featuring guest seekers who have acquired some moderate fame in the muggle world. The Macaws of New Zealand will be playing with Oscar-winning film director Peter Jackson, responsible for the Lord of the Rings films.

The Tengu of Japan will be sporting Tetsuya Nomura, the man responsible for some of the more popular Final Fantasy video games. Though neither men have ever actually played quidditch before, they are happy to represent their native lands and they plan to stay with the teams for as long as they are still in the running. The match will be held April 27 on the Galapagos Islands.

Once the winners of these three matches are announced, it will be a drawing of straws to determine which team will go straight to the finals and which of the other two will have to slug it out.

[Special thanks to the Harry Potter Lexicon for research on this article]

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Level 16 Male Paladin looking for an epic level female. I have adamantine full plate and willing to “buff” you all night. I have a +2 longsword if you know what I mean. Random encounters with me have been considered a “divine” experience.

Oh holy grace! Single female medusa-Madonna seeks doctor and priest to find art and assist in nuclear holocaust and gender annihilation as well as hot times in graveyards. Also seeking acolytes with at least minor skills in the area of castration. (Veterinary experience a plus, or a BA in Biology.) Applicants should be prepared to eliminate male gender to achieve vengeance for past sexual experiences with Sunday School teacher. For more information, contact Gloria at 1800-BOX-CUTR. PARTY GIRL Sexy self proclaimed nympho, 27, blonde/blue.

Men just can’t seem to keep up with my insatiable sexual appetite.

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Interests must include making cropcircles, long walks on the moon, screwing with the NASA’s Mars Rover, and anal probing, I’m always up for a good probing ;-). If interested, call 5-678-4138-5690-9034-0842 High level Pokèmon Needed. Level 15 Mudkip needs protection, will offer ¥500 and a rare candy. To contact, go to Pallet Town and jump into a lake. Questions? Call 8675-309.

Need game??? Have trouble with the ladies???

Wish you had a chance at a girlfriend??? Come enroll in the Rico Suave School of Game. We’ll get you game or your money back. For more information, call 401-741-4615.

Sex Machine requires service. Could also use a good oiling. Do not operate while under the influence of alcohol or prescription drugs.

Repair man should be between the ages of 18 and 27. Please call 401-456-8280 for service info.

Disclaimer: Reading the Canchor will not provide you with grand insight. Smoking it, however, will.

April 1, 2008

Disclaimer: The Canchor can be used to distract an angry bear.

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Page 14

April 1, 2008

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April 1, 2008

Page 19

Roving Reporter The Canchor

Disclaimer: The cake is a lie.

If you could be a member of the opposite sex for one Where is the best place you day, what would you do? have ever “relieved stress”?

Christine Cabral Major: Graphic Comm.

Year of Graduation: It depends, whichever comes first, I run out of money or actually have enough credits.

Editor Position: Missionary / Graphics I would look down and be amazed at the size of my huge ____.

I mean it’s really big, really guys. Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, I would teabag everything and then pee in the woods.

Andrew Massey Major: Psychology Year of Graduation: 2058 (I hope) Editor Position: God of Toothpaste and LOLcats Over the new delivery of the Canchor. Sorry about the sticky pages.

Jessica Albaum Major: Music Theatre Year of Graduation: I’m outta here!

Editor Position: Executive Editor your face Well for starters, I would definitely play with “it”. Then I would go into a men’s locker room and just watch.

Alex Tirrell Major: BA in Rock Band Year of Graduation: 2084 Editor Position: Sex Machine Editor Definitely the back seat of my car… or maybe even the front seat.

Barry Nickerson Major: Math / Masochism Year of Graduation: 2-thousand-and-never!

Editor Position: Managing Editor I would go about my day like normal, just carry more tampons than usual. I would also go to Nordstrom’s to use that fancy ass bathroom with all the sofas… not that I haven’t already <333

Sally Major: Procrastination Year of Graduation: Somewhere in the distant future…

Editor Position: Child’s pose Well this one time, at band camp…

Kellye Martin Major: Anthropology / Geography Double Major (I might be crazy…)

Year of Graduation: oh eight Editor Position: Official Picture Taker Person Thing Oh the possibilities. I think first I’ll… and then I might kinda wanna… and oh definitely… and then… and well the camera might be involved.

Robert Kazarian Major: Accounting Year of Graduation: 2008 Editor Position: Sports I would caress my breasts.

Joe Roberge Major: Graphic Com Year of Graduation: 201?

Editor Position: Arts On a dead hooker in a Denny’s bathroom in Guadalajara, Mexico… but we don’t talk about that…

Minako Aino Major: BA in Love Year of Graduation: 2009 Editor Position: Layout Swansea AMC, theatre 11

Eboo Shea Marah Major: Big-Wordology Major: Communications Year of Graduation: People graduate from here?

Year of Graduation: 2009 Editor Position: I’m in your articles, fixing your grammatical inEditor Position: PR Manager consistencies.

I would just have fun doing crazy crap that guys do. I would WXIN’s studio.

What?

I like music. begin to understand their thought process, which I’d love to be able to do!

Joe “Lil’ Naz” R. Major: Cross-dressing Year of Graduation: Go Screw Editor Position: Are we having a moment?

The Quadratic Equation. Over and over again. With my shirt off.

Michael Shiel Major: Communication Year of Graduation: 2206… Maybe, if I’m lucky.

Editor Position: Resident Alien I would have continuous “Happy Endings” alllll day.

Kameron Spaulding Major: Poly Sci Year of Graduation: 2010 Editor Position: News The back of a high school school bus, full of people.

Nick Lima Major: Mass Communications & Political Science Year of Graduation: 2041 Editor Position: Business Manager Providing an honest answer may cause some trouble in the engine room.

Page 20

April 1, 2008

Lifestyles The Canchor

Disclaimer: Unlike your spouse, the Canchor does not believe size matters.

STDs: Which Ones Should You Get?

By Ima Ho Now as we all know, sex is in. If you are not having sex, you simply are not cool (That includes you Dungeons and Dragons freaks.) Of course, the trouble with this is that any virgin can say they have had sex and when asked what it was like they can back it up with a porno they watched. So how can you prove to people you really are a stud and not some poser? It is simple, get a STD! Nothing says “I’ve slept around” more than a doctor’s note saying you have gonorrhea.

Of course this leads to the big question: which one should you get? You simply cannot go out and grab any STD. Some of them are not cool so here is a list of some good STDs to get and some bad ones.

Herpes: With 45 million people infected, Herpes is by far one of the most popular STDs out there. However, just because it is popular does not make it the right choice.

Remember, sexual partners may come and go, but Herpes is forever. Do not get this disease unless you are in it for the

long haul. However, if you can handle the disease, you will be popular forever, and nothing says commitment to a loving spouse like giving them Herpes.

HIV/AIDS: HIV and AIDS have to be the most well known STDs out there. This is also the disease to stay away from. Not only does it shorten your life, and thus your time to flaunt your STD, but it can be obtained through ways other than sex. Either you get it through a blood transfusion from an infected person or by sharing heroin needles, meaning either you are a junkie, or you are a sick person, and let’s face it, if there is one thing the world likes less than junkies, it is sick people.

Gonorrhea: Gonorrhea is my disease of choice. Not only is it not permanent, it is easy to prove that you have the disease and is best obtained by sleeping around, proving to everyone that you are the cool kid on the block.

Also, listen to the sound of the word “Gonorrhea.” Doesn’t it just roll off the tongue? It is pleasing to the ears. Not to mention it is also known as “the clap,” which is what everyone will do once you can prove that you are cool too.

Chlamydia: Yet another common choice for STDs. However, you should avoid this one. Usually the disease goes unnoticed so you will have no proof and will be laughed at by all of your peers and called names, which is exactly why you were trying to get an STD in the first

place. If you do show symptoms though, they are not pleasant. The most common one is the fact it will burn when you pee and that could be a simple UTI, and no one will want to sleep with you if you have that (Not that they do already).

Syphilis: I like to call this disease the “hide and seek” STD. When you first get it everyone will know and will congratulate you. After a while no one will care though and you will have to get it treated, or will you? This is where Syphilis becomes one of the best STDs to get. After a few weeks, the symptoms will disappear and the disease will lie dormant. Since you do not notice it, it is not your problem. However you can still give the disease to others so this is the perfect time to mark your territory. Sleep with all the people you can, regardless of gender, and everyone will know who you have slept with and how. This is a great way to earn some street credit. Of course, many years down the line the disease will eat at your brain and make you bat shit crazy but let us face it, by then you will probably be barefoot, pregnant, and will probably be beaten to death by your drunk husband, or you will become a priest and be arrested for your affair with the altar boy.

I hope this list has given you some valuable knowledge and some good tips on what STDs to get and to avoid. So remember folks, when you are feeling lonely and neglected and you want everyone to pay attention to you, all you have to do is get an STD. Next Week: How to Be a Whore in the Workplace.

A Nerd’s Guide to Getting Girls

By Malan Orcsbane As a frequent D&D (that’s Dungeons and Dragons for you noobs) player and Dungeon Master, any time I have my players enter a room I am frequently asked “Are there any girls there? And if so, I want to do them.” Of course, I cannot have girls in all of my campaigns, so I decided that I would share my knowledge on how to woo the members of the opposite sex.

First, put a lot of points into Charisma. Girls love a guy who has a CHA modifier of +4 or more. Make sure you put some ranks in Diplomacy and bring some dice with you. Every time you say something to a girl, roll a d20 die. How else are you going to know if what you said worked or not?

Secondly, bring your character sheet with you. Girls always want to know what you have to bring to the table. Why not list all of your skills, feats, and attributes on one convenient piece of paper? Make sure to make copies for you to hand out. Also

make sure to give yourself a cool name like Terek Wolfslayer. The ladies like deep names like that.

Of course, if you fudge your skills and ability scores a bit, who will know any better? Make sure you list how much gold you have and all of your possessions and magic items. Nothing says “soul mate” like a lot of gold coins.

Third, do not bathe. It may be tempting but do not shower. Pretend like you are going to a Star Trek Convention.

How will women notice you if you do not give off an aroma?

Animals are attracted to pheromones and humans are animals, so make sure that you give off the strongest ones possible. Also, do not worry about acne. It will make you stand out so the girl will never forget your face.

Finally, once you make contact with the girl, do not take no for an answer. She will realize that you are the guy for her; you just have to make sure she realizes it. If you have to follow her, do it.

Remember, stalking means never having to say goodbye. If you

have an altar dedicated to her in your room, all the better. If she sees it she will realize the love you have for her. If she puts a restraining order on you, it’s a small victory. It means she loves you but from a legally defined distance.

Now these are just some methods I have used and the ones I have had success with. Some others you can try are showing off your cosplay/LARP skills, speaking in a poor accent, or showing the girl your Star Wars action figure collection.

However, these methods have limited results. It is better to follow the methods listed above.

If you follow the guidelines I have set here, you too can soon have a girlfriend who is more than just a screen name or a 900 number. If you are really lucky this very girl may allow you to be seen with her in public and call her you her boyfriend on Facebook. I wish you all good luck and hope that unlike me, you will be able to do the impossible, and lose your virginity.

Rhode Island College

By Robert Lefebvre Rhode Island College, our beloved school in which we receive our education, has been discovered to be haunted. It turns out there have been ghosts lurking the campus for a long time and they are large in number.

Rhode Island College has been around for over a century and a half. It has seen many students come and go, as well as professors, doctors, and the like, but it appears that many of these students and educators may still be here.

There have been many paranormal sightings and activity over the entire campus.

Sometimes they can be of students that used to attend just walking among us in the halls of the buildings or maybe even in the quad, as well as professors. Many reports have been made about students seeing a certain Professor Lloyd Matsumoto. He has been reported to have been seen in the Fogarty Life Science Building as well as here in our Anchor office.

He has been known to say things like how the Red Sox are the greatest baseball team ever (poor soul). No one is sure how or why his spirit is haunting the campus, but it is believed that it has something to do with bovine feces.

There have also been reports of entire rooms full of ghosts having classes. According to the reports, these classrooms of ghosts are said to appear during free period. Now, according to the school policy, classes are not supposed to take place during the free period, as it is supposed to be a time for the students to get involved with campus activities or to just take a break. As such, there shouldn’t be any actual classes taking place. So, unless the policy is being broken, there really is no other possible explanation.

Other reports have been made about ghosts being seen in the parking lots. Apparently, the ghosts, as well as their cars, can be seen throughout the day driving all around them, trying to find a parking place, especially a nice spot that is the shortest distance from their destination. These ghost drivers may have died trying to find a place due the lots being so packed everyday.

So is Rhode Island College truly haunted? I would say so given these undisputable facts. So be careful as you go throughout the campus. That person walking next to you in the quad or that professor giving you a lecture may not be of this world.

And don’t get me started on the vampires in the dormitories.

April 1, 2008

Page 21

Lifestyles The Canchor

Snippets of Randomness By: Christopher E. Buonanno Anchor Staff Welcome to The Canchor. I hope it doesn’t sting.

Since most of my articles are canchorous anyway, not much will change here.

Michael Moore has looked the same since the Reagan Administration.

A can of tuna fish cannot be opened without a can opener, especially in a New York City hotel room. Believe me, I tried everything.

There is always traffic on 95 South in Connecticut.

Speaking of NYC, much of this article’s ideas come from an October trip there with folks from the ol’ WXIN. Black Lincoln’s outnumber Caddy’s about 10:1 in New York.

Baseball season is here and I am still missing Joe Torre. Let’s see what Girardi can do.

You can easily navigate your way around NYC when drunk, usually better than the sober people.

It’s much easier to go out and drink because you don’t have to drive after.

You learn a whole hell of a lot about people’s hygiene practices when you spend three days in a hotel with them.

How is it people do not shower for three days. One person smelled like cheese, feet, dirty cannuda, coffee and cigarettes.

Odious!

It is tough to write notes in a greyhound bus when it is in traffic.

After a few, the hotel’s bathroom looks just like the toilet and it’s a lot easier to hit.

“I am anything but less than drunk…Rockport shoes.”

pregnant male gets the keys to the Disney conglomerate.

Jacoby Elsbury is so fast that he needs a saliva test. (That’s a test they give horses).

I looked up his will, it’s not in there.

Word to the wise from the Tuesday Night Card Boys with respect to women – “Don’t get caught…They never forget.”

OK, some of my colleagues here have come after me for the basketball game comments; the ones I made were all in fun, and the ones that they made back were also made in jest. Nobody get nervous.

XIN still should have won though.

I still sleep with a Teddy bear.

It’s better than sleeping alone.

Happy Birthday to my mom on April 2. The big 56. I don’t think that’s a milestone of any kind.

Since when is the Anchor’s mascot a fishercat?

What the hell is a fishercat anyway?

Apparently there is a pregnant man out there. Lee Mingwei is pregnant. And unless the cover of U.S. News and World Report was fabricated, he has been named their Man? of the year.

That is some freaky shit right there. It was bad enough when I just had to worry about her.

AND it’s not true that the first

Walt Disney is not frozen; he is buried in California.

The picture of Barack Obama that is circulating the internet without his hand over his heart during the pledge of allegiance is actually during the National Anthem.

He never refused to put his hand over his heart during the pledge.

I finally ordered the baseball cable package at my house to see the Yankee games this year.

We are the midpoint in the Boston/New York Rivalry. We should get YES for free.

Pricks cost me $160.00 for the season. They’d better do well.

I am so happy that Imus is back on the air. I missed him while he was gone.

For five large an hour, she should swallow, regurgitate and swallow again.

There is trouble in the engine room.

Or in River City is you like A Music Man. I asked a question last week about the reality about voice immodulation. I still need to know whether or not that is real.

I want one of those hand painted mini-gate things. I’m getting one for my father for his birthday. He went to Brown though, where the Van Winkle gates only open once.

That’s the difference between public and private schools. They decide who to let in during that one time the gates are open. Our gates are always open to everyone who wants to come in.

Which do you think is healthier for educational dialogue?

Alla finito!

We have gotten too sensitive as a society.

Christopher E. Buonanno sleeps in a wife beater tee shirt, a sleeping cap and with a teddy bear, and he is proud of it. He lives a pitiful and lonely existence in even indebted, formerly moronic mayored city of Cranston.

I haven’t mentioned Elliot Spitzer yet.

Do you think his whore Spitzer swallows?

Say that again very slowly and you will get it.

Spits or swallows…..Spitzer swallows.

Fashion Tips: How to Dress like a Hobo

By Stinky McGee Canchor Editor Everywhere you go you see kids dressed up in “worn-out” clothes pretending that they’re old clothes and pretend that they’re “retro.” Well, as an entrepreneur of fashion I can clearly see where this is going. These kids want to dress up like they’re homeless and who can blame them?

I’m homeless and it’s done wonders for me. I don’t pay rent, get free soup, and can wander the city day and night. So here’s some fashion advice from yours truly.

The Proper Attire. First, make sure your clothes are old, and none of that fake old crap. It has to be really old and worn in.

Hobos like me can tell when you wear the fake stuff. Once you get some thoroughly worn in clothes, make them dirty. All hobos are dirty. It adds to our charm. Go into the woods and roll around in the dirt for a few hours. Better yet, you should go dumpster diving. Not only will you get

dirty, you’ll smell bad, which brings me to my next bit of advice.

Smell Bad. Us homeless people are known for our stink. If we don’t stink, then clearly we have been showering, and no true hobo showers. The best way to do this is au natural. Run around town for an hour or so and build up a sweat. In a few days, you will be able to smell as bad as any hobo. If you want a quicker solution though, use my previous bit of advice and go dumpster diving.

Wear Layers. Now that you know what to wear and how to smell, now the question is how much should you wear. After all, the more clothes you wear, the more stink you conceal. Well the answer to that is as many as possible. Sure it brings up the stink issue, but with as much as you’ll be sweating, you’ll make up for it. Wear whatever clothes you find. Don’t worry about matching; it will make you stand out among us. Wear whatever you

can find and make sure you wear it all at once.

Accessorize, Accessorize, Accessorize!

Accessories are everything to a hobo. The first thing every hobo wannabe needs is a shopping cart.

Every hobo has one and so should you. Make sure it is a rusted beaten up one. If it isn’t damaged enough, you can do it yourself. Make sure not to damage it beyond repair though, you’ll be needing it later.

Now that you have your “hobo cart,” you need a nifty sign. Not every homeless person does this but I find that if you have sign that says something like “The End is Nigh,” “Jesus Died for Us,” or any condemning Bible quote written on a cardboard box sign it catches the eye and will help keep those young folks in line. Finally, try and find a broken cell phone or tape recorder.

That way when you have long rants to yourself, or one sided conversations, you will not look crazy. An alternative to this is getting a pile of paper and hanging out around the back of theatre.

Then people think you’re rehearsing and think you’re one of

those theatre types. The ladies dig that kind of stuff.

Well that’s all the advice I can give you. You now have the jump on the next fashion trend.

Good luck and happy hoboing!

Next Week: Begging: On a corner or on your knees?

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Arts and Entertainment The Canchor

April 1, 2008 Disclaimer: The Canchor has no calories and 0g of Trans fat.

Femalien: Fantastic Femme Fatale from Fornax Facilitates Fornication Fun!

By Mystik Aqueerium Canchor Astrologer As you should all be fully aware by now, I am the Canchor’s astrologer deluxe and see all and know all. However, one thing I had never seen before this past weekend was pornography! That’s right—I, the great Mystik Aqueerium, do not and have never watched in entirety any pornographic films.

That is, until I went to Hollywood Video in search of cheesy science fiction.

Now mind you I’m gay, so picking up Femalien wasn’t necessarily to stimulate my own arousal. All I saw was a rather promiscuous-looking, fresh-fromthe-‘80s “alien” woman on the cover with the “Beyond human desire…” tagline and thought, “Hey, this looks ridonkulously cheesy, let’s rent it guys and laugh it up!”

After all, this is Hollywood Video; why the hell would there be a porno here— especially right on display in the middle of the Sci-Fi aisle?

So armed with beers, Chinese food and Femalien, my adventure in pornography began.

We meet curious Kara, an alien (with a perm) from some planet where the aliens are conveniently humans, whose culture has forgotten what sensuality is and how to achieve it. (Guess they ran out of Viagra before they ran out of petroleum fuel to pilot the rocket ship to Earth!) So Kara lands in someone’s bedroom and peeks outside to see a girl in a swimsuit.

At this point, we’re all thinking: “What did we just get ourselves into?” Before we know it, the succulent specimen “Sun” is getting it on with her boyfriend/husband “Drew,” and Kara starts touching her privates.

Yup—we just rented a

porno at Hollywood Video—and we didn’t even get carded. Oh shit.

We weren’t expecting the “plot” twists and turns that happened right after—and we definitely weren’t expecting to see—alas—vagina!

I was stunned. It didn’t take much longer before the lesson in human anatomy turned to the opposite sex—and it didn’t take much further into the movie before the “girl-on-girl” action really got going.

Kara discovers that she has the ability to touch someone and instantly make them extremely horny to the point where they all just start sexing each other up—guys, girls, guys and girls, doesn’t matter; once Kara learns something about human sexuality, she starts making all the people around her do it.

Yup—we just rented a hardcore porno at Hollywood Video.

At this point the beers and Burnett’s vodka (classy, I know) were kicking in, and we made a drinking game out of it— one drink for breasts, two drinks for penis/vagina, five drinks for oral in any form, ten drinks for penetration.

What else are hopelessly single newspaper editors gonna do on a Wednesday night when there’s no Student Government drama to whine about?

It didn’t take long for Kara to realize that she wanted to sample human sexuality for herself. Her alien advisor gives her his blessings, and Kara is off to sample some succulent succubi.

Her first adventure occurs in the middle of a Johnny Rockets-like diner with the jacked waiter (while the waitress, now topless because she conveniently spilt coffee down her front, watches),

and the waiter has to stop her because customers are watching and pleasuring themselves. Kara eventually corners the man (whose nasty hair was as long as his arms were round) in a closet and shouts, “Domicile!”

Domicile was the secret password to take her back to bed and do people. So we heard “Domicile” a lot that night.

“Domicile” was worth three drinks, by the way.

Kara eventually encounters the object of her true desire—the waitress from the restaurant. The “climax” of the film was when the waitress said, “Wow, an alien from outer space wants to make love to me. Let’s do it!”

“Domicile!”

Insert lesbian sex here.

I don’t know if I should

give this porn a good review or a bad review because I spent the majority of the movie trying to enjoy my General Tsao’s chicken over the sounds of “You make my juices flow!” and “I’m feeling hornier than a bitch on heat” coming from the TV. Besides, I got nothing out of it; maybe it’s because I’m gay, or maybe it was just a terrible choice of a first porno.

Either way, I can’t wait to catch Femalien II: The Search for Kara. I guess I’ll have to check Hollywood Video for this one again. Besides, the girls on the cover look like the Sailor Starlights from Sailor Moon. (I wonder if they change their genders ad nauseum like the Starlights… oh no, Femalien III: Attack of Galaxia!)

RIC’S Mainstage Goes Nude

By Vee Ulva Canchor Editor It has been approved that instead No, No, Nanette as the Mainstage musical this year it is going to be an all nude version of Beauty and the Beast. This avantgarde version of a classic children’s story will open in Roberts Hall on April 10 at 8 p.m.

Instead of the usual musical director, Bill Wilson, the musical will be taken over by Ron Jeremy, a famous porn star. Ron Jeremy promised “this musical will be tasteful and keep everyone’s morals intact.” Jeremy said his inspiration for the all nude Beauty and the Beast came from the opening number of Hair. He

figured if there was so much attention from once scene of nudity then perhaps having an all nude show would be good for publicizing the theatre department at Rhode Island College.

The story has not been altered at all and neither has the music. The singing and dancing talent of the students will be on display and that is what is important. The goal is for the audience to be so captivated by their talents they do not even notice that the actors are naked.

The set will be traditional with backdrops of woods and set pieces that turn to reveal new locations. The lighting will also be used to give the illusion of being in the woods and

will be very important during transformation scenes.

The orchestra will mostly comprise of students that are clothed in case they stick to the seats.

Costumes are going to be more complicated than usual.

Instead of clothing, the cast will be painted from head to toe.

Belle’s signature blue dress will be painted directly onto her body and she will wear a blue ribbon in her hair. Beast will be the most complicated. He will be required to grow out all of his hair to make it more realistic. When he is the prince, his hair will be tied back and groomed and as the beast it will be undone.

Students in the musical were apprehensive at first about

doing a show so risqué but it wasn’t long before they were convinced stating “all experiences can be used for good in the theatre.” They are all on strict diets now and work out 5 days a week so they can be in shape in time for opening night.

Tickets for this performance will be $5 for students and $15 for adults.

Make sure to reserve your tickets soon as it will more than likely be sold out. For more information or to order your tickets call 4568280.

Bible Black Canchor Hentai Contributor Released in 2001 to critical acclaim from all fine Christian news outlets, Bible Black is the tale of a young Christian boy, Minase, his descent into darkness, and his eventual escape through salvation.

The story begins with Minase showing up to his new school. He comes across the school’s magic club and begins to take part in it. While in the club, Minase is persuaded by his peers to collectively engage in many impious activities.

Minase however slowly begins to be become disturbed about what is happening around him and decides he must escape from the evils he has been participating in.

If there is one thing, however, to be said about Bible Black, aside from how moving it is, it is the animation quality. The animation is superb and for many, including me, has become the standard of just what good animation should look like in this day and age.

Bible Black is truly a powerful and moving PG rated story. It is highly recommended that all good Christian families watch this brave tale together.

The magic parts, however, may be frightening towards young children so when watching with small children, do be aware of this.

April 1, 2008

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Arts and Entertainment The Canchor

Rental Raves: GWB Canchor Celebrity Stalker This week, we will look at the classic 2033 Best Picture winner depicting one of the darkest hours of the human race.

Leonard Schwartz (The Scarecrow)’s immortal masterpiece, GWB. In the year 2000, Texas politician and son of a former president George W. Bush

(Hayden Christiansen, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones) makes his own United States presidential bid. However, when he finds out that his brain is 50% smaller than a normal human being’s, he sees his chance slip away. But then he meets the evil cult leader Karl Rove and soulless businessman Dick Cheney (Sean Astin and Elijah Wood, respectively, The Lord of the Rings) who promise to get him to the top in return for letting them have free run of the country.

George agrees, and through the manipulations of his team, he is sworn in. When a terrorist attack hits the United States on his watch, he rattles the sabers of war, but in his confusion he invades the wrong country and gets his troops stuck there for the rest of his presidency. As more and more of his team keep making fatal mistakes and damaging his credibility, he attempts to clean house to save face. It is to no avail, however, and his position has made him increasingly arrogant. In his final year, during a speech about how great he is, he accidentally sets his drink down

on the wrong button and causes the great apocalypse of 2009, after which he is hunted like an animal for the rest of his miserable life.

The performances in this film are amazing. Christiansen takes his usual “Whiny Bitch” style of characterization to new and believable heights. When George throws the tantrum in the Oval Office, you can really feel the kicking and screaming. The sets were amazing, looking exactly like the buildings of the Old United States to a tee. The film is also fairly historically accurate, the only artistic license taken when George and Dick scream “Awesome” at the top of their lungs for about ten minutes straight (a director trademark). It is deserving of every Academy Award it won and the best historical record of a failure of a man (since the real Bush tried to burn the rest before his capture and execution).

Also starring Raven Symoné (Dr. Dolittle) and Dana Carvey (Wayne’s World). R Rating: 5/5

Curse of the Half-Blood Prince

By Kevin Killavey Canchor Contributor The sixth film installment of the hugely successful “Harry Potter” franchise is off to a rather dreary start. Plagued with collapsing sets and diseases running rampant through the young actors (mostly Social

Diseases) many are beginning to wonder if the film is cursed. Due to the enormous pressure he is under, Daniel Radcliffe has taken up chain-smoking, often stopping during takes just to get a puff. When asked about this new habit, co-star Rupert Grint replied “Well, at least its just cigarettes, Emma’s moved on to…well, other things.” When pressed further

about the issue, Grint refused to answer, although he did make a gesture towards his nose and the sugar he was pouring in his coffee.

Sources close to the film say the chaos all began when actor Alan Rickman walked off the set it disgust over a disagreement with director David Yates. Alan Rickman was rumored to mutter something in Gaelic (his native tongue) and walk off along with several of the Irish crew members working on the film. Production has been greatly delayed because of the need to re-cast the extremely important role of “The Half Blood Prince” that Rickman himself portrayed.

Upon being asked about the disagreement with Rickman, Director Yates implied it was due to his disapproval of Rickman’s relationship with co-star Emma Watson. When pressed further, Yates did not reply but merely pointed at the pornographic film he was watching on his laptop.

Actors ranging from Johnny Depp to Ricky Gervais have auditioned for the part of Snape, but few capture the character quite the way Rickman did. After spending the day auditioning actors, Yates decided to cast Timothy Dalton (Also known as the Worst 007 ever) as the complex Snape.

When approached about Dalton portraying Snape, Daniel Radcliffe merely replied “Jesus Christ!

All right well I’m just going to go do lines with Emma then, sweet Christ…Dalton? Really?”

Seeming less than thrilled, Radcliffe stormed off, leaving his script behind. The only actor who seemed to be keeping it together throughout all the chaos was Rupert Grint, when asked why Grint replied “To tell you the truth, I’m kind of looking to get more “familiar” with Emma before the final film, now that Proffesor Sna-…uh, I mean, Alan is out of the way, I can…What? It’s strictly character work!” We did not inquire further as to what this character work entailed.

Toshi Comes On! Vermillion Pleasure Night

By Tits McGee Sexy Canchor Editor Erotica meets fantasia— with just a hint of LSD—in the fun-filled third installment of Japan’s Vermillion Pleasure Night.

Subtitled for the American public to pretend to enjoy, VPN takes the best of MAD TV and combines it with an acid trip—and much hotter actors—to create a wild journey through a cyber world where mannequins meet mutual masturbation, family values flit with fornication, and sexy nurses spend five solid minutes poking victims in the ass with needles.

Disturbing yet dazzling, VPN brings the best of a bad high to a TV near you. Be scarred for life as the Fuccon family tortures the child they do not want; be mortified yet marveled as Mikey Fuccon’s father leaves on a business trip, and his mother introduces him to his “new Daddy” and they all take a bath together.

Giggle with glee and tickle with tension as the Geishaof-the-day teaches English through broken Japanese. Sample with splendor as the Japanese hooker teaches you how to “give good head” and get in return “first-rate cunt lapping”.

Constructively complete difficult sayings in English with the geisha; jive with Japanese jargon to learn how to tell someone that your father facilitates fantastic fellatio.

Lavishly laugh with Midnight Cooking as the cannibalistic chef cooks up a carcass. Relish recipes for brains, luscious lungs and livers! Your diaphragm will dance as the Zombie Family discovers the magic and wonder of the Ouija board and as Mama Zombie’s two daughters discover their mother’s sexual past.

Vermillion Pleasure Night is recommended for people with short attention spans who do lots and lots of drugs. This is not a DVD for otaku, per se; this is more for idiot college students who appreciate fine graphic design while simultaneously share a sense of humor that favors the morbid.