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“All the Snooze That’s Fit to Print”

The Canchor www.TheCanchor.com

VOL. XL.. NO. 24

Copyright © 2008 The Canchor

PROVIDENCE, TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2008

Late Edition Providence: Today, sunny with chance of raining frogs, high 43. Tonight, expect flaming hail storms, low 23-80. Tomorrow. Locust swarms, high 46. Yesterday, rivers ran with blood. High 98.5, low 98.5. Weather map, page 26.

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RIC Hires New President President Robert “Bobby K” Kazarian Takes Over Administration Effective Immediately By Barney Nickelbacksucks Canchor Snuffleupagus Big news hit the Rhode Island College campus on Saturday when, in a press conference, RIC President John Nazarian announced that a new president has been selected. “We were looking for a president with close ties to the RIC campus,” said Nazarian. “We decided to elect a graduating member of the Class of 2008, and unanimously we selected Robert “Bobby K” Kazarian.” Kazarian, 22, accepted the key to the President’s House and was quoted as saying “I run this shit!” Kazarian immediately hired Craig Killaway as his VicePresident of Student Affairs and Chair of the Fantasy Football Team Selection Committee. Nazarian then persuaded Kazarian to sign the first bill that would affect students here at RIC, which would sell Craig-Lee Hall on Craig’s List. “The money we yield

from selling Craig-Lee Hall should be enough to buy a working treadmill for the Rec. Center,” said Kazarian. “We are asking for $220 for Craig-Lee on Craig’s List,” said Craig Killaway. “We were going to sell Gaige Hall, but I don’t think that would go for much more. Besides, we need a place for those giant lecture hall Psychology classes that everyone cuts.” Secretary of Student Community Govuhment Inc. Christopher E. Buonanno (long enough title?) said that he was “gonna vom” when he heard the announcement. “Hopefully this brings about much improvement to the keg parties currently held at the president’s house,” said Buonanno. “Salute!” Buonanno was later seen pounding back Cognac and pitifully playing Rock Band in the Media Center. It was said that he scored a 95% on drums on “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

Breaking Story: The Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything unveiled, page 42

RIC Opens Clown School By Beau Zoclown Canchor Editor Rhode Island College announced recently that they will be adding another school to the college. This school will train students on how to become all different kinds of clowns. The clown school will be named Krusty’s Clown College and is projected to be ready for the fall of this year. The new department is named after Krusty the Clown from the animated sitcom, The Simpsons. The Fox network donated $30 million toward the school so that the name could be used for marketing their hit TV show. There will be a new building erected where the soccer field currently resides. When it was asked why they were building it there, the response was, “No one comes to the games anyway.” So it is with a heavy heart that the soccer program is replaced with Krusty’s Clown College. The new state-of-the-art facility will have rooms with soft walls to afford practice space for doing acrobatic tricks. It will also have an indoor and outdoor trapeze. The building will be very tall to accommodate this as well as a high wire. There will be a bakery in the building to provide pies

for the students to throw at each other and to put their own faces into. Other highlights to the new building include a room filled with unicycles and a soft floor for landing/falling as well as a room where the floor is a trampoline and the ceiling is higher to allow for bouncing. This school will have its own store that will sell items such as red noses, balloons, juggling balls and make-up. There will a variety of classes offered and many master classes given by well known clowns. Some of the classes that will be offered include Balloon Crafts, Beginner Unicycle, Intermediate Juggling and How to Tell a Joke. There will also be classes that help develop the students clown character, costumes and make-up. The faculty expects big things from this new addition to Rhode Island College. Dr. Peniston a Gynecologist from Health Services said “I look forward to the positive outcome that inevitably will come from adding a clown school.” He also added that he looks forward to seeing the students pull handkerchiefs out of interesting places. For more information on Krusty’s Clown College, please contact

Stretchy Virginia at 456-8280.

Student Body President Nick Lima swears new RIC President Bobby Kazarian into office.

Donovan Dining Center Passes Health Inspection Students (and Employees) Shocked By Maria Pscello Canchor Editor Last week, Donovan Dining Center was visited for a surprise health inspection. Management was quite pleased to announce that the Donovan facilities passed, for once, with flying colors. “I was truly quite surprised,” said Gary Kenser, Health Inspector for the state. “I’ve inspected Donovan several times before and

we’ve always had a fair amount of trouble with this establishment in the past.” “It really wasn’t all that big of a deal, us passing,” commented Donovan’s director. “Our facilities are 5-star as far as I’m concerned.” Some students, however, remain skeptical of the state inspector’s ruling. Junior Mandy Larking remembers being greatly disturbed at finding a live spider

in her grapes. “I couldn’t eat the fruit there again for months,” she added. Senior Mike Dennis recalled with disdain finding a small, curly, black hair in his macaroni and cheese. “There’s no way they passed that inspection without some sort of foul play,” he commented. Several sources have sug-

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SCG Secretary Christopher Buonanno Steals Teddy Bear From Henry Barnard School Impeachment Pending Story on page 3


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