The Anchor - April 3 2017 by The Anchor

The Anchor State Sponsored Media |

Canchor ISSUE NO. 20

APRIL 3, 2017

Â© The Anchor 2017

Proofreading Activity It has come to The Anchor’s attention that many of our readers enjoy “correcting” issues of our weekly studentrun publication, and so we will now be including small excerpts of writing from our newest Freshman writer, Benny. Enjoy.

Page 2 3 Apr 2017

Secret Portal Opens Underneath Alex & Ani A portal, secret up until now, the size of an Olympic-size swimming pool has opened underneath the main staircase of Alex and Ani hall this past week. Students have been complaining for a couple days that they have been hearing a strange, whirring noise, but had no interest to investigate it. It wasn’t until the portal ate half the Chazan Family Gallery disrupting the Andrée Luduc exhibit that faculty has decided to do something about it. Thinking it’d be best to call an expert, Dr. Vaugh Riggamorris, a certified portal expert, has been investigating the portal for a couple days. Dr. Riggamorris reports that the portal has spoken to him and said that the only way

for it to be truly satisfied and able to depart, is if all Rhode Island families throw their Alex and Ani merchandise into the portal. “The portal is hungry, and only gold and silver that are infused with positive energy will be able to feed the portal until it leaves,” states Dr. Riggamorris. He fears that if the bracelets are not given up, that the portal could expand all the way to the Alex and Ani ice skating rink. If this happens, the portal has the potential to swallow the majority of the Providence Place Mall and State House. If you have any Alex and Ani products, please bring them as offerings to the portal and close the gap that will soon swallow us whole.

I’ll the

admit,, I’m greatest

not writer.

Thats really all there is too it. I make typos soemtimes and I dont always catch them. I’m not always sure whether its whose or who’s or their or theyre. Sometimes I don’t know wear or how often, to use commas adn apostrophe’s. But I’m trying my best. and I’m learning alot at the Anchorv I came to ric to learn and I write at the paper because I like it, its fun. If I already know how to do

everything I would’nt be doing this because I just want to be abel to improve threw practice. I have a lot of other things going on in my life like work school and family obligations so it’s nice to be able to work with people who no I’m doing everytihng I can and dont judge me entirely based on my mistakes. They know we all mess up and they don’t think their better then me just because I make a few typos, and thats just nice. Were all students and, I can trust them to know that and also to not scribble red pen all overr what I write when my back is turned. They know Im not hurting anyone I’m just learning., Thank you everyone for not laughing me and recognizing that were all just piers trying to reach the same goals. I apreciate it.

Super Dunkin’ to replace Craig- Lee Hall The building is crumbling, the ceilings are leaking and ghosts of professors that once were can be found hanging out in their old fourth floor offices, but Craig-Lee’s transformation into the largest Super Dunkin’ Donuts on the Eastern Seaboard must go on. Super Dunkin’ Donuts differ from regular Dunkin’ Donuts in that they are open 24 hours a day, stock cigarettes & dip and have a “secret menu” with over three dozen coffee-Fourloko concoctions. President Frank Sánchez has made the wisest and most respected decision to begin the construction this coming Fall. The President released the following statement last Tuesday, “the students have

spoken, and we are listening. I want the best for the student body here at RIC, and if that means supplying them with copious amounts of caffeine, then so be it. We understand that mostly English classes are held in Craig-Lee, and the college has madev the incredibly easy choice to nix that department. There is simply no need for four floors dedicated to reading and analyzing drab philosophies about humanity, when instead you could be drinking whitechocolate butterscotch whipped lattes at 4 a.m.” A Super Dunkin’ Donuts is exactly what campus needs to increase the graduation rate from 14 percent to 400-loko percent!

Sanchez first president in RIC history to not release tax returns House Democrats are still fired up about President Frank Sanchez’s refusal to release his most recent tax returns. The Democrats held a press conference in the Capital in which they called on President Sanchez to listen to the voice of the people and release the documents.

better. You guys are just jealous that our aides are more creative.” The Republican Congressman, Ken Calvert of California responded with, “No you.” The two Congressman then had to be held back by their colleagues. Fighting is prohibited by the rules of the House.

Witnesses say that the two will meet by the flagpole behind the Capital after session to duke it out. There is no indication on who won the fight, but our money’s on Cicilline who is known to fight dirty. Republican members of the House and Senate are siding with

“All of the former Presidents of Rhode Island College have released their tax returns before becoming president. That includes Nancy Carriuolo who is shady af,” said Congressman and Minority Whip Steny Hoyer. The Democrats have introduced the Release IRS Comuniques Act or RIC Act that would force President Sanchez and all future presidents to make public their tax information. Republicans have criticized the act with one congressman saying, “They are trying too hard with the names of these acts. Are we paying someone to sit around and come up with these names?” Democratic Congressman David Cicilline shot back at the critics by saying, “Like you could do any

Obituaries European Union The European Union passed away suddenly in June of this year from misinformation caused by Right Wing Limeys. The EU, as he liked to be called by his friends, lived a good life. Born during the Cold War, EU grew to be a healthy and strong supranational organization. EU had an on again off again relationship with the United States, but ultimately they loved each other dearly. The European Union was 59 years of age and leaves behind 28 squabbling countries and his sister NATO. In lieu of flowers please send donations to the Greek Ministry of Finance.

Free Press Free Press died earlier this week peacefully in her sleep. Free Press was a vibrant and active member of her community in her youth and could often be found hanging around with her friends Politics and Business. Unfortunately, Free Press was diagnosed with Big Money Interest and Yellow Journalism Fever, a combination that, if not dealt with, is fatal. Free Press would have most liked to be remembered for investigative journalism. Free Press is survived by her children Sensationalism and State Run Media.

Democracy Democracy kicked the bucket this year, leaving behind a sense of unease about the future and a deep sense of sadness. Democracy had a good run for several hundred years; he had traveled all over the world and managed to spread his messages and ideas to many places. Democracy died from a fatal overdose of apathy, however his wish was to be remembered as a healthy form of government. Democracy leaves behind his son Oligarchy who plans on taking over the family business. In lieu of flowers please send donation in Democracy’s name to the American Civil Liberties Union.

the President and are encouraging him to not back down in this fight against the Democrats. One Republican Senator, Ted Cruz of Texas, was quoted saying, “I don’t understand why this is such a big deal. I don’t even know who this guy is and I have never even heard of Rhode Island College.”

Gina’s Promise: To carpool RI students A college degree has never held so much value in our state’s history, until now. Governor Gina Raimondo’s Rhode Island Promise plan, having gained minimal support in our state’s legislative chambers, had to be re-worked by her team and it now has some added parameters in the hopes it’s popularity among both Rhode Islander’s and our elected officials will grow. The most notable of these changes is Raimondo’s pledge to personally drive college students in need of rides to school everyday, a much needed support service

for many of the public college campuses’ in the state who all have a single bus route that goes to their campuses, despite many being centrally located.

up every single publicly educated college kid in the state, so be it. They are going to get to school, and they are going to like it and so will all the taxpayers.”

little to nothing to better services at the schools to help attract more students or even add more full time faculty instead of hiring part time adjuncts constantly.”

Raimondo’s program, dubbed No College Kid Left Undriven, gained attention in a short PSA ad the governor’s office put out, where Raimondo is featured rumbling down the road in a slightly dented purple 2002 Dodge Ram Minivan.

When asked about the recent RI Board of Education’s choice to raise the public colleges tuitions and how that fits into her RI Promise plan, Raimondo responded, “the van’s a real gas guzzler and it’s not cheap to keep up with the maintenance of it too. On top of that, it’s stupid expensive to keep adding more and more administrative positions at all the colleges while doing

Raimondo has turned to early morning mini van excursions to try to make a difference, one child at a time, leaving many to wish that there were traditional methods of transportation available to transport anyone in the state anywhere ever, her crucial public service would not be needed.

“I feel I must take it upon myself to ensure that every child gets to school, by any means necessary,” says Raimondo, “if I have to pick

Missing Donovan catering contract found As those who have tried to plan an event on campus know, if you want food at your event and your event is during the hours of operation of Donovan, then you must have Donovan cater. No contract to this effect has ever been produced, however, leading many to believe that it has either been lost or was never more than an unwritten policy that sort of became more formalized as time passed. Those non-believers have officially been proven wrong as

the missing contract, which legally establishes the policy loathed by so many, has been found. Student Donovan worker Elijah Humphrey is the Charlie Bucket of this story. In an interview, Humphrey describes the scene as being similar to Charlie finding the golden ticket to Mr. Wonka’s factory. “I was stirring the huge, bubbling pot of chicken tortilla soup that’s served every Wednesday, when I noticed a white, papery looking thing in the soup. I assumed it was plastic and have been explicitly

told to not stop stirring even if— or especially if—something looks suspicious, but this seemed too weird.” He then goes on to describe that he reached his ungloved hands into the vat of chicken tortilla soup and saw the words “DONOVAN CATERING CONTRACT” bubbling out. Immediately understanding the importance of what he found, Humphrey decided to take the contract and dry it off as best he could.

there was money out for this missing document, Humphrey turned the document over to Dining Services, who framed it and put it up in in the Dining Center. Humphrey was given a $5 cafe gift card for his efforts. Now that the existence of the contract has been confirmed, the only questions which remains is those of how the document ended up in the soup, as well as who stole it. For now, only the cosmos knows.

As a good student, thinking

Turkeys weaponized by Sanchez

Photographic evidence has shown that the turkeys on campus are equipped with listening devices in an effort to spy on the conversations around campus. A student using his iPhone 7’s Earth-shattering camera thought he was just getting some quality Snapchat content for the day when he noticed the turkey’s moseying out of President Sanchez’s house dazed and with small bands strapped around their feet. Attached to the band appeared to be a small box with an antenna, a device that could

be used to transmit audio over short distances. According to an anonymous source inside the Sanchez household, the live audio is streamed directly onto Sanchez’s phone so that he can listen in whenever the mood strikes. It has also been discovered that Sanchez has been requiring the landscaping staff to spread feed for the turkeys throughout the grounds to encourage their integration into the busy campus. Turkey-Gate of 2017 is only the

first in a long line of scandals that have plagued President Sanchez’s short time at RIC. Early in his tenure, claims arose that Sanchez colluded with URI, our vbiggest competitor and adversary, to slander our previous president, Nancy Carriuolo, in an effort to secure his current position as the RIC president. This new development would explain how Sanchez is eerily attuned to the faculty and student body’s attitudes. It is only by covertly spying on the people

and breaking their trust and right to privacy that a president could possibly understand how their constituents are feeling. The office of President Sanchez declined to comment on this scandal. The local chapter of PETA will be protesting Sanchez’s mistreatment of the turkeys on Friday by tarring and feathering his gardens gnomes.

Squirrels terrorizing the campus Imagine a world without squirrels? Nothing would be the same without those adorable critters crawling around. However, there has been a lot of talk about squirrels terrorizing freshman and innocent dog walkers on campus grounds. According to freshman Dennis Friedman, a transfer student from the University Of Alaska, he was stalked by the same squirrel during his walk from the library to his dorm last week.

“My dad was kidnapped by clowns? Should I go after him? How do you differentiate between the murderous and merry clowns?” -JFK: Sweaty, listen. I didn’t have the guts to tell you this

“I’m telling you, the squirrels are not right in the head at this place. They’re too smart…too… human-like.” Dennis mentioned that the fluffy little guy was making extremely nervous eye contact with him and would get suspiciously close to his side. Perhaps Dennis had a peanut butter sandwich in his back pocket. Another terrifying squirrel altercation was reported to the campus police just this morning. in any other less public & impersonal way, but your dear old daddy wasn’t kidnapped by clowns. He also wasn’t snatched away by a younger, cuter, child who gets better grades & does more chores than you. He just willingly left you. Left you to join the clowns. Why? Because, hunny boo bear, you never really loved him, you never brought him joy, you did not cherish him. He’s in a better place now. NDR: We are all aware of the huge threat illegal clowns pose to our nation’s collective safety, and your predicament is the

Suzy Silva has walked her dog on campus territory every single morning since RIC was RICE. The 95 year old woman regrets to say that today will be her last day as a dog walker, and her and Henry the mini chihuahua will be retiring to the grounds of her nursing home. “Henry and I were just going for our usual walk around parking lot B. Suddenly, a squirrel scampered out from underneath a mini van and jumped on Henry’s back, as if to say ‘This is my territory.’ My same many now face. Not only are illegal clowns taking our jobs out of the mouths of our children, they are not straight up stealing our dads. Soon American children everywhere will grow up without the oppressive, at times abusive, weight of the patriarchy breathing down their necks during the formative years of their youth. You need to find these clowns and thank then for the great and necessary service they have provide to our society, because at the end of the day they pay taxes too and no human, clown or otherwise, is “illegal.”

poor baby, he was so scared we both nearly fainted.” Both Suzy and Dennis have elected to speak to professionals on campus about the experiences they have faced with the suburban rodents that dwell on Rhode Island College’s campus. Hopefully we can work together as a community to stop the evolution of squirrels into territorial monsters.

Government weary of millennial involvement Since the election of President Donald Trump, there has been an increase in citizen participation in government, especially amongst millennials. By way of taking directly to the streets to protest, or calling up their local representatives, millennials have been taking it upon themselves to become active members of their government at the federal, state and local levels. However, the government is sick and tired of their lack of apathy at the federal, state and especially local level. In a recent statement, Representative David Cicilline mentioned his annoyance with the new generation’s approach to government. “We get it, you’re pissed,” said the state representative.

Past research had previously shown an increase in apathy amongst millennials, but with the political tide changing they seem to have gained new interest. In an interview, a Rhode Island College student described her strong opinions on the current state of affairs. “Yeah, it’s pretty bad right now, so like, we have to let everyone else know, that like, it’s bad,” she said. Amongst other issues the government is having with this lack of apathy is the fact that they can no longer complain about millennials being apathetic. “One minute they decide not to care, and the next minute they care. It’s strange,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan commented as he stared down at his pea soup

during a conference last week.

the situation.

One of the many reasons that this generation has sprung to action is the fact that they can no longer out-tweet their own president. The task of “twitterbeefing” with Donald Trump has become far too complicated.

Recently, Donald Trump vtweeted, “These people don’t know what they are doing, it’s absolutely ridiculous! #SoBad.” People are still unsure if he is referring to the millennial protestors or his own cabinet.

One young man commented, “I mean he’s a total totalitarian but the guy has a knack for the interwebs, man.” The president has beaten the millennials at their own game and in order to retaliate against their government, they have brilliantly devised a plan to do exactly what the government wanted them to do and begin participating in their democracy. Unfortunately for the government, they did not realize what they were saying and are now trying to get a handle on

Bench sweater raises awareness for Chill Chihuahuas Intl. DON’T GIVE UP. YOU CAN DO IT. WE DO THESE THINGS NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE EASY, BUT BECAUSE THEY CHALLENGE US. YOU UNDERSTOOD THE GREAT UNDERTAKING YOU BEGAN WHEN YOU TIED THE FIRST KNOT ON THE BENCH. SEE IT THROUGH. WE ARE ALL SPECIAL IN OUR OWN WAY. SOME PEOPLE WRITE BOOKS. OTHER PEOPLE BECOME ASTRONAUTS. YOU CHOSE TO KNIT A SWEATER FOR A BENCH. YOU ARE UNIQUE. YOU MATTER. YOU CAN FINISH IT. LET NOTHING STAND IN YOUR WAY. DID PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT GIVE UP ON HIS SPEECH AFTER BEING SHOT? NO. HE SAW IT THROUGH. DID SPIDERMAN GIVE UP ON BEING A HERO AFTER UNCLE BEN DIED? NO. IT MADE HIM STRONGER. IF YOU RUN OUT OF YARN, SHOULD YOU QUIT KNITTING THE BENCH A SWEATER? HELL NO. YOU CAN OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLE. RIGHT NOW THAT BENCH IS WEARING 10% OF A SWEATER. ALL THE OTHER BENCHES ARE JEALOUS, BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH. YOU ENVISIONED A FULLY-KNITTED SWEATER ON THAT BENCH. IT CAN STILL HAPPEN IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT. A small placard on the bench claims the bench sweater exists to raise awareness for Chill Chihuahuas International, a nonprofit that donates knit goods to cold Beverly Hills chihuahuas everywhere.

SCG knocks items off their wishlist At this past Parliament meeting, the body voted in favor of some new purchases for the corporation. These include a new timeshare, 1.5kg of cocaine, and goblin darts. Although these motions passed voice vote, they received a few “nay”s each. One parliament member who wishes to remain anonymous says, “I didn’t know what I was voting for. It’s my first meeting.” “I was kind of zoned out and everyone starting saying “aye” so I went along with it as well. I need to pay more attention I guess” says

another representative. One member in particular seemed very surprised - “I’m allowed to vote no? I don’t think that’s happened since I joined.” In an exclusive interview, we were able to speak to the sponsor of these motions. “If Parliament really wanted to get rid of their timeshare, then why did they vote to buy another one? There has been some serious misinformation spread about SCG and our intentions. We speak for the students.” On the 1.5kg of cocaine, the sponsor responded, “Our free coffee events dur-

ing exam week were popular, but we want to improve them. Nothing gets you going like a line of coke.” The sponsor continued, “I don’t even know what goblin darts are, I might have just made that up. Either way, I’m ordering them with Joan on Thursday.” A concerned parliament member reached out to us to explain their opposition. “This is not what a government is supposed to do! We’ve had numerous resolutions in the past to SELL the timeshare and now we’re buying another one?” They continued, “I don’t even

know if we’re getting a good deal on the cocaine. How are we supposed to know the street price? I raised a point of information, but nobody knew.” The new approved timeshare is directly adjacent to the old timeshare, and will be available for students to rent at the same time. Policy dictates that it must be advertised in The Anchor in advance, so if you are interested in spending a week at Loon Mountain, keep an eye out in The Anchor, or contact Student Community Government in Student Union room 401.

HORNY SCOPES Aries (March 21 - April 19) What have you eaten lately? Chocolate? Strawberries? Whipped Cream? Oysters? Aphrodite will visit you in a vision and your dreams will be sultry, so sultry it hurts. Let it happen.

make anything happen.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Sticky and wet will be a theme for you this week. Body oils may spill on you as you are snooping for money in your parents’ bedroom. Gross for sure! Taurus (April 20 Showering may help - May 20) The and the stars apologize only way you’re that you had to find going to get to your parents’ body oil. talk to your crush is by smacking and licking Leo (July 23 your lips ferociously unAug. 22) Your til they bleed. Red is the best friend will color of love so it makes accidentally a lot of sense. Just don’t send you nudes in a bleed on your crush. cellular mishap. Don’t be alarmed and reGemini (May 21 member to breathe. It’s - June 20) Your 2017 and if you haven’t voice will be in- seen your friends nudes fused with the seductive then it’s possible you vernacular of Rihanna, might not be as close Beyoncé, and Ariana as you think you are. Grande. Get into lots of conversations this week to bewitch anyone into your boudoir. You can

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) A sponsorship from Spencer’s will magically appeared on your doorstep and you will be faced with the dilemma of whether endorsing candy thongs and fleshlights is worth the potential damage to your image. You already know the answer. Libra (Sept. 23 Oct. 22) You will make love to the Twin Peaks theme song this week. It will be as suspenseful and mystifying as the show itself but you probably won’t see the person again for another 25 years. Revival awaits. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Hexing your ex will only help you in the long run and your recent thoughts of mystical mayhem are com-

pletely valid. Remem- week. It’ll be worth it! ber, you’re the hottest sign. Raising your flirt Aquarius (Jan. level to 100 and only 20 - Feb. 19) talking in sexual inThe crush on nuendos is definitely your professor a turn-on for anyone. is still lingering, so you might as well make a Sagittarius (Nov. move while you can. 22 – Dec. 21) It’s The last day to withtime to admit draw has passed so turn that you’re sexually at- on the charm and go! tracted to memes. Keyboard cat and dat boi Pisces (Feb. 19 – are very attractive in March 20) Pisces, their own way. It’s probyou have the deably best to come out to sire to be tucked in at your close friends and night and the desire will partners first and then become a frustration your family. Good luck! when your partner stays over this week. Asking C a p r i c o r n for a glass of milk and (Dec. 22 - Jan. a bedtime story is not 19) Capricorn, a problem, it should your Tinder be expected. Don’t be will overwhelm you this ashamed and just ask! week and you will receive so many messages and matches that you will want to delete the app. Don’t! Go on dates with all of them and get free dinners this whole

The Hash Slinging Slasher review After seeing this dark thrill ride no one will never look at a patty without having flashbacks to lights flickering three times. This daunting tale begins with a kind but socially recluse fry-cook named Steven who, through no fault of his own, is involved in a terrible grilling accident. With the loss of his left hand he is unable to continue his life’s work at the local burger joint and returns home to his parrot and only friend, Sir Charles Bucklebee III. No longer with any direction to his life he decides to check out early bringing his prized parrot with him for the ride to hell and back. The story picks up again on the anniversary of his death. The late night customers at this 24 hour burger wonderland bite off more than they can chew as their once delicious solace provoking refuge becomes their greasy bloodletting

nightmare. Sir Charles Bucklebee III’s screeching squawk is the omen of Steven’s return. His missing hand has been replaced with a sharpened spatula and his silhouette is the last thing the viewer sees before power is cut and the restaurant is left in darkness. Now these nocturnal customers and staff must survive from midnight to 8 a.m., and if they do manage to live they will never be the same again. Christopher Walken delivers a bone chilling performance as Steven with lines such as, “You took everything I cared for from me, now I’m here to take everything from you.” If you are a connoisseur of horror then you must see this creepy retelling of the childhood story The Hash Slinging Slasher. The walls oozing green slime will forever be etched in your mind, and if that isn’t the tale teller of a good film, then what is?

Fourth Wall Breaks Are Fun Hey all, Deadpool here. Normally this would be the part of the paper where Sara would talk to you about some idea she thought of last minute about crime fighting guys in tights, but this week is going to be a bit different. Sara is, ahem, “tied up” with other work so I’m taking over. And what I would like to talk to you about is very near and dear to my heart: me. Some of you may have noticed that films this year (and last year, and the year before, and the year before...etc.) have just been full of Super Heroes, and what better way to advertise the coming of “Deadpool 2” than by piggy-backing off all the other high grossing hero films? A trailer featuring yours truly is shown before you get to see “Logan” in theaters. It even has a block of wording at the end that’s really just my book report on Ernest Hemingway’s “The Old Man and The Sea.” Never had to write one, just had some free time a few weeks ago. I’m also using the new posters for Spidey’s new flick to help promote my—much more important—new flick. I got on set and pushed that Tom Holland kid right when they were taking the shot, then stole the camera, easy peasy something cheesy. Now you may be wondering why, and I’ll tell you; because I want to build hype for this thing. The movie’s not coming out till 2018, but until then I’ll be here to steal the spotlight from other movies and I’ll have fun doing it.

Top 10 places to give blow jobs on campus 1.

Under the water filling station in Donovan Dining Center: This ideal location offers up the right amount of privacy as well as easy access in case your throat gets dry and you need a quick drink. Inside 2. during

the Anchor Office a Wednesday meeting: If you ever wanted to be a part of The Anchor, but the meeting times cut into your weekly blow job time, say no more! The newspapers are extra absorbent in case you have a messy clean up. Next to the speed bump 3. signs: This is the most inconspicuous place due to the fact that no one can see the signs anyway, so they won’t notice you getting down to business. Student Union Loop: 4. While you wait for a parking

space to open up, why not engage in oral sex? The sharks will be so busy hunting for a space, they won’t bat an eye.

On the treadmills in the Rec Center: Why not work it out and suck it out at the same time? Kill two birds with one stone!

With the spring season upon us, the warmer weather opens up an endless list of places where one can give or receive a blow job on this beautiful campus. When choosing the perfect location, be advised that privacy is not key, and instead focus more on the atmosphere and the risk factor. Detailed below are the top ten places on campus to give or receive a blow job, and each one has been tested out.

During a parliament meeting: Open forum is the best place to do what you need to do, but do not be too loud or it may end up recorded in the minutes.

The Anchor statue on the quad: If you were one of the people to stroke the Anchor for good luck freshmen year, maybe the kind of good luck they had in mind was little more frisky.

The quesadilla line in Donovan: Since it always takes 5 years to get a quesadilla, you will have more than enough time to get the job done.

The safe sex agenda First health services started offering free condoms, then sex toy bingo was held on campus. Rhode Island college has been making their message loud and clear—there is no escaping safe sex at RIC. “I feel unsafe,” said junior Ivana Dooyu, who was personally affected by the safe sex agenda. The student sobbed and had to take a moment to gain composure. “I feel like RIC is forcing me to have safe sex. Like, who does that?” Dooyu recounted the harrowing tale that took place last week. “I parked in A lot where I always go, and right there in the parking lot was a condom, all unwrapped and unused, just demanding that someone use it. I felt very attacked.” She later confessed that she had gone to the Women’s

On top of the Rhode Island College wall outside of the fruit hill entrance: Nothing says welcome to RIC more than getting a blow job! Admission rates will go up 10%.

10.

Under Scott Kane’s desk: There is nothing Scott Kane enjoys more than hearing about blow jobs, so naturally under his desk would be the perfect place. He would not mind one bit, but watch out for the alumni and make sure he is not there when you do it.

Page 10 3 Apr 2017

Center to find a safe space, but there too she found free condoms and materials on how to have safe sex. Not knowing where to turn, she came to the press to share her story. Health services also offers STD screening as well as events on campus where students can get tested, further pushing RIC’s overbearing agenda to keep students safe. Other students have come forward with similar stories, saying that at events such as sex toy bingo, the tables are littered with condoms. “It seems like everywhere you turn you can find a condom and information on safe sex,” said senior Mike Hawk, who was also shaken by these events. “They even have a condom dispenser outside of Health Services and Campus Police, so you can be super discreet about it. It’s just terrible.”

Post-graduation follow-up: Josh Estrella W

hat is post-graduation life? What’s it like? Does it even really exist? These questions, among many others, were answered when The Anchor interviewed Josh Estrella, former Editor-in-Chief of The Anchor Newspaper and 2016 Rhode Island College graduate. “I was president of the newspaper, president of senior class, member of the student government,” Estrella said wistfully, the shadow of something almost like life flickering across his eyes.

Josh Estrella prior to graduation

“Then the next day,” he continued, “I was a part time employee at Crate and Barrel.”

Estrella stared at something in the distance for a time before continuing.

Soon after graduation, Estrella found a job as a public relations coordinator at Neighborhood Health plan, a job he describes as “really fulfilling I think.”

“I’ve definitely been filling my time, though. I mean just the other day my girlfriend, Jenn, and I were looking at alignment chart memes online for a while. And, uh, I guess I’ve been able to watch a lot of Netflix. Definitely more satisfying than when I felt like every day was pushing me closer to achieving a hugely important goal.”

“I’m not the type of person to pass up a sale on yogurt” “I’ve had a lot of free time though,” Estrella went on. “It’s just been great not having tasks always hanging over my head, constantly giving me anxiety and purpose and meaning.”

“Anyway I’m able to be part of two Dungeons and Dragons groups now,” Estrella said, trying his best to sound excited. “Y’know, since I don’t see my friends every day anymore this is…this is a great substitute.” Estrella then showed us around his apartment, drawing special

Meme Calendar

Josh Estrella after graduation

attention to his minifigures collection and uncomfortably large stock of yogurt. “I’m not the type of person to pass up a sale on yogurt,” Estrella declared proudly. As the interview drew to a close, Estrella summed up his thoughts.

“Post-grad life is great. It really is,” he said, idly stroking his framed copy of a Providence Journal article about his tenure as Anchor Editor-in-Chief. “I barely even think about college anymore.”

Frank Sanchez’ tiny hands in a thumb wrestling contest with Trump

With nothing better to do than visit the Twitter accounts of small public college presidents, President Donald Trump recently discovered that his world-famous hands are rivaled in size by none other than our very own President Frank Sánchez. Seen waving to his adoring students in a picture posted to his Twitter account, many students have commented on the beautiful, delicate forms that are President Sanchez’s hands, as they gracefully ease the fears his crowd with their presence. In a stream of tweets, President Trump called Sánchez “pitiful,” and “sad” because of his pristine, immaculate hands.

Trump had neglected to realize, unfortunately, was Sánchez’s extensive wrestling background. In a brief statement to The Anchor, Sánchez said he had been training for this day since Trump took office, “Mrs. Sánchez is airing out my singlet from college, we are

going to get it dry cleaned,” the president said,“I’m getting back into shape, my thumbs have been benching, like, seven pounds.”

A later revision of this number was sent in by Mrs. Sánchez, who gives him maybe four pounds on a good day, although she knows that’s still enough to

beat Trump.

To see the action for yourself, come to Robert’s Hall Auditorium April 6 at 7 p.m. Ticket prices are based on how well you can make a “deal,” or exchange political favors with the guy at the box office, at the request of President Trump.

The tweets sent by Trump, which began around 2:30 a.m. EST last Monday during his usual late night snack, attacked Sánchez and called on him to step forward for a thumb war against Trump himself. President Sanchez didn’t respond until later that day, after a productive workday addressing student concerns and making time for his family, he eventually accepted Trump’s challenge. What

The truth beneath the bumps The speed humps that were erected down College Road earlier this year have caused much controversy within the commuter-based student body. The building of the bumps for pedestrian safety may be a coverup dating back to the fall semester. James Hoffman, a graduating super senior from North Providence and President of Rhode Island College’s student

organization Unionize This!, went missing in the latter half of the fall semester. His friends believed that he left the school out of utter frustration and contempt when he was alerted that he needed one more credit to graduate just days after the add/drop period had passed. Hoffman was last seen peeling out of A-lot, having been forced to park in the most inconvenient lot on campus after last years parking lot remodel left less spaces than before, in his

1975 Mercury Marquis just days before the speed bumps began to appear.

been able to make any headway on getting the rest of the speed bumps disected.

Word began to spread that Hoffman was underneath the speed bumps after a plow clearing the road after the last non-blizzard hit the speed bump at full speed and cracked it open. Hoffman’s signature watch and pinky ring were found encased in the asphalt of the speed bump. Friends of Hoffman have not

Hoffman was known to have many enemies, especially in the Records Office, and was a voice for all who were personally victimized by Student Community Government. President Sanchez could not be reached for a comment.

Unlisted courses for Fall 2017 announced

Although the courses for the Fall 2017 semester are available now for viewing on our school’s website, not all of the new classes have been included electronically. When asked why some have been excluded online, administrators have told the Anchor that computers “are just so dang hard to figure out!” The new classes that have been added are all focused on social media, helping students to understand the importance having a dope online presence. See below for the included classes.

Instant Messenger Jargon: This course focuses on the texting process; the planning, organizing, and development of unique text messages. Course activities will help students know when, where, and how to use text acronyms such as lol, omg, and idgaf. The class will also teach students conversational skills by only using emoji’s. Selfie Aesthetics I: In which students will learn how to take better photos of themselves by getting the best angle, choosing the best filter, and deciding on which pose or facial expression to use in their selfies.

Selfie Aesthetics II: Nudity: For when the occasion calls, this course expands on the many factors that contribute to a well-executed nude, including the lighting, timing, and use of judgement, or lack thereof. Prerequisites: Selfie Aesthetics I & Safe Sexting

Short & Sweet: The Perfect Tweet: This course had been designed to help students maximize their effectiveness on Twitter to enhance not only their college experience, but also their social media awareness. Students will develop critical thinking, reading, and writing skills; acquire valuable strategies for analyzing Twitter content and for expressing themselves more openly and effectively; improve their tweets and learn to make connections between other networks. Safe Sexting: This course prepares students for the popular, convenient, and exciting world of x-rated texts. The class will help students decide whether to include photos with their text, show students how to properly delete history from their phones, and how to know if you can trust

your texting partner. Prerequisite: Messenger Jargon

Instant

Facebook 101: This is an introductory course presenting a description and analysis of the structure and dynamics of human society through Facebook. It focuses on how to post or update your status, friend relations, social change, how to make your status invisible to Aunt Shelly, and editing the beer can in your photo to look like a candle. Timehop: Connecting your apps and remembering the past. This class will help you celebrate the best moments of your past with your friends and fellow students. Classes will be held on Memory Mondays, Transformation Tuesdays, WayBack Wednesdays, Throwback Thursdays, and Flashback Fridays. View My Video: This course is an introduction to the use of video as a form of artistic expression and visual communication. Students will learn about structure, form, rhythm, and pace.

Students will create Snapchat videos, Instagram videos, and complete the course with a YouTube video. Students will produce videos that explore the relationship between saying ignorant things and getting more views. Instantly Sharing Telegrams: This course is an introduction to the technique of Instagram photography and its use as a form of artistic expression and visual communication. The course covers the way to capture and share world moments through images. Students learn how to enhance, correct, and manipulate their images using the most current industry standard photo editing programs. Prerequisite: View My Video Although these classes will not help students to actually have an active social life or help them convey a personal conversation with another human being, they will however drain any intelligence that student may have had, one click at a time.

Top 5 dishes from the Don that you need to try RIGHT NOW It might make you vomit a little bit (or a lot), but it’s SO WORTH IT. 5 - The Pizza There’s nothing better than a pizza that tastes nothing like pizza. Just thinking about the oregano-flavored glue they use as sauce and the crusty cheese is

probably making you salivate, because that’s what your mouth does right before a foodinduced vomit session. SCIENCE. 4 - The Chicken Patties The Chicken Patties really bring you back to high school when your mom just threw lunch money at you

because she was too tired to make your lunch anymore. You always chose chicken patties because they were the least disgusting thing on the menu. Those were the days. 3 - The overpriced fruit What’s better than fruit? Overpriced fruit. There’s something about

knowing you paid $3 for a handful of grapes that makes them taste 1000 times better. 2 - The Wheat PBJ Does anyone buy this? Who knows. But not knowing what it tastes like makes it better than the rest of the foods on this list, tbh.

1 - Del’s Lemonade Let’s be real— Del’s is the best thing the Don has to offer. And it lets you know which students are out of state when they stick a straw in it. Nothing says school spirit like in-groups and out-groups!

RIC Football Team loses to University of CCRI in Rhode Island 69-420

This week in sports, the Rhode Island College football team took the largest L in the history of mankind. After practicing for the entire season behind the recreation center, the biggest game of the year was slowly creeping up on them. The University of CCRI in Rhode Island is RIC’s biggest rival, which is made up of approximately 27 middleaged men looking for a degree and 10 student athletes who didn’t have the grades or skills to make it to a real college. The game was held in the parking

lot of an old Burger King which was recently condemned due to its disgusting appearance. The first half ended with RIC having a comfortable 69-0 lead, but that quickly changed in the second half as the University of CCRI in Rhode Island subbed in a 2017 Hyundai Sonata, killing or maiming all participating on RIC’s team. After the opposing team scored 420 points consecutively, the game ended, and RIC found itself once again without a football team. Sign ups for next season begin on Feb. 29, 2018.

Student Athlete exclusive Flex-Zone opens in Gaige Hall Student Athletes have been notoriously unsatisfied here at Rhode Island College. Sure, they get to pick classes early and have their own study hall, but what about their own flex zone? Usually student athletes are forced to interact with the non-student athletes who clearly aren’t as committed as those who represent RIC athletically. It was recently reported by Anchormenpolls. com that the average student athlete spends about 72 hours a day at the Recreation Center, while most students spend about two. The faculty has heard the complaints of the student athletes and have decided to do something about it. Instead

the

previously

proposed commuter lounge where commuter students can relax, study and connect, a flex-zone where student athletes can flex their athletic abilities can be found in newly renovated Gaige Hall. The Faculty feels that commuters should understand that student athletes have nowhere else to go to flex that is exclusive, while commuters can hang in the library, Horace Mann, Donovan or that one bathroom with the couch. David Davis, a student athlete, expressed happiness about the change, stating “the brakes never stop it’s important that I get to flex and connect with my team.” Commuters are most likely to be upset about the change but will there be enough push for a revolution?

Page 13 3 Apr 2017

Sojourn to host thrash metal concert for ailing children Sojourn, Rhode Island College’s resident club of charitable do-gooders, is going above and beyond expectations next week. As part of their ongoing initiative to provide entertainment and quality-of-life improvements to children and their families in the cancer ward of Hasbro Children’s Hospital, Sojourn’s leaders have put together an “absolutely killer” thrash metal concert in the ward itself. The concert will feature popular local bands such as Jagged Knives of Blinding Spite and Fleshrending Bone Spurs, among many others. “It’ll be unbelievably hardcore,” Sojourn co-founder Nate Felkel said in an interview. “Everyone’s gonna feel like their brains are exploding. We’re expecting these gutshreddingly awesome riffs to really take people’s minds off

Q & Anchor

their situation, and that’s what it’s all about.” “I’m especially excited about the performance by Satanic Bloodfiend,” Felkel added. “I think the younger kids, especially, are really gonna dig their sound.” The Anchor also interviewed Genesis Sanchez, president of the RIC branch of Sojourn, who echoed Felkel’s excitement. “Our goal is to bring some fun and enjoyment into the lives of these kids and their families,” Sanchez said. “So after painting pumpkins and handing out boxes full of notes containing heartfelt words of support, a thrash metal concert was the obvious next step. Just the thought of those kids headbanging and losing their minds as insane drum solos rip through Hasbro’s walls puts a big smile on my face.”

What is the best semester you’ve had at RIC and why?

“I been here since ‘81, so I’d have to say the fall of 2012 when the mullet came back into style. I try to overlook that it was supposed to be “an ironic haircut.” Damn hipsters.”

“The semester when cable was brought to the dorms! I watch Anchor TV religiously.”

Chaz O’Doyle, Natural “Natty” Lite Brewery Studies, Spring 2042

Mildred Fitzgerald, Cat Psychology Major & Gender Studies Minor, Spring 2026 “Oh boy I’ll never forget semester 37! We used to call it ‘High as Heaven Semester 37’ back before all my friends graduated to Tockwotton on the Water, but who am I to talk? I can’t wait to graduate and have a nursing home by the bay.” Seymore Reynolds, Major, Spring 2023

Geology

“My kids said they would throw me a party for my Golden Semester, number 50, so I can’t wait until next fall to have it!” Ethel Montgomery, Classic Literature Major, Spring 2030 “Definitely not this semester; those speed bumps are seriously hurting my chances of getting hit by a car. Do you know how much I would get out of that lawsuit?”

Sanchez later added, “I really

want to thank all the brutally sick bands who are volunteering their time and talent for this event. I think it just speaks to the fact that charity is honestly the most metal thing a person can do.”

Isaac Z. Andrade, Political Science Major, Spring 2020

just amazing! You’d really have to be there to get it.”

“The Spring of ‘99 was the best. It was just...the coolest. It’s so hard to explain, it was

Ashley Boyle, Modern Studies, Spring 2033

When asked about expectations for the concert, Sanchez said, “If we can turn the entire ward into a mosh pit, I’ll be beyond thrilled. It’s a lot to ask, but I think we can get there.”

Art

Nail-biting action in Scott Kane’s “Dean of Pain” Watch out, Viola Davis, there’s a new movie star on the Rhode Island College campus. Scott Kane made his stunning debut last Friday in “Dean of Pain,” an explosive buddy-cop thriller which rivals the very best in its genre. From start to finish, Kane’s character of Richard Fox dominates the screen with his cool, measured wit and charm. Eerily quiet and collected even in blistering gunfights, Kane is an intimidating presence throughout the film. The ease with which Kane slips into the role is downright impressive, and one finds oneself immediately accepting that the Dean of Students is, in fact, a hard-boiled cop who can benchpress 165 pounds and take down a target at 100 yards with flawless accuracy. By the film’s close, the audience was cheering every time Kane overpowered an opponent and deployed his signature catchphrase, “Consider yourself reamed out.” Brendan Cody, Kane’s co-star, may not be quite as formidable as Kane, but he makes a truly admirable attempt to match the unmatchable. In spite of slight continuity errors in which Cody’s character appears to have different-colored hair in almost every scene, the RSA Vice President serves as an excellent foil to Fox, providing muchneeded energy to balance out Kane’s stone-cold determination. The plot of “Dean of Pain,” which begins with Kane’s character struggling beneath the thumb of an oppressive and corrupt police chief, contains just as many twists and turns as one would expect from a high-intensity thriller. Throughout, the audience really gets to feel what it’s like to be in Richard Fox’s shoes, not knowing if the next threat will come from his superiors, the people he’s

sworn to protect, or perhaps even himself. As the tension builds, one starts to question whether our hero has any control over what’s happening, and the realization that he probably doesn’t is a terrifying one. This is not even mentioning the action, which undoubtedly pushes this movie from “good” to “great.” Seeing Kane in motion as he dives through windows, dodges bullets and explosions and takes out a trio of bad guys with his bare hands—all without ever batting an eye—is a sight to behold.

“Dean of Pain” is a whiteknuckle ride all the way through, and afterwards you won’t be able to look at our Dean of Students

Page 16 3 Apr 2017

again without imagining just how quickly he could take you down if he really wanted to. Do not miss this movie.

As with all issues of The Anchor, the views expressed in this edition are not sponsored by our paid advertisments.

110 BEERS 22 DRAFTS

NEW BURGER EVERY MONTH !

10% off Santoroâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Pizza with a RIC student ID

CLASS ELECTIONS 2018 — 2019—2020 President

Vice President Secretary Treasurer

Parliament Representative

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26, 2017 DONOVAN DINING CENTER 10:00 A.M. TO 4:00 P.M.

Declare your candidacy by signing up in the Student Community Government Office, Student Union 401, Tuesday, April 11, 2017 to 5:00 p.m. Tuesday, April 18, 2017 For more information, contact SCG Vice President Taylor Dame, Student Union 401, (401) 456-8540, vicepresident@ricscg.org

BECOME A STUDENT PARLIAMENT MEMBER FOR 2017-2018 THE INITIAL FILING PERIOD FOR PETITIONS: MONDAY, MARCH 27, 2017 TO FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 2017

DURING THIS FILING PERIOD, YOU MAY ONLY REPRESENT YOUR OWN MAJOR, DORM, AS A COMMUTER, OR AT-LARGE. AFTER THIS PERIOD, YOU MAY REPRESENT ANY MAJOR. STOP IN THE SCG OFFICE, STUDENT UNION 401 TO GET A PETITION.

DECLARATION OF CANDIDACY FOR SCG AND PARLIAMENT OFFICERS BEGINS TUESDAY, APRIL 11, 2017 ENDS AT 5:00 P.M. ON TUESDAY, APRIL 18,

2017

YOUR PETITION MUST BE DOUBLE VALIDATED 4/18/17 TO BE ABLE TO DECLARE FOR OFFICE

Election Day: Wednesday, April 26, 2017 For more information contact Vice President, Taylor Dame, (401) 456-8540, vicepresident@ricscg.org Student Community Government, Inc. Student Union 401 (401) 456-8088 ricscg@ric.edu

The Healthy Minds Study (HMS) is coming to RIC! “Change your mind, change the world” HMS is an annual, web-based survey examining mental health, service utilization and related issues among undergraduate and graduate students. Since its national launch in 2007, HMS has been fielded at over 125 colleges and universities, with over 150,000 survey respondents.

Who: Randomly selected RIC students will be invited to participate in the HMS. What: The survey will take approximately 20-25 minutes to complete and will gather information on demographics, present and past mental status, and help-seeking behaviors and experiences. • For those students invited, there will be a drawing for prizes totaling $2,000. • For students who complete the survey, there will be a drawing for prizes totaling $500. When: The survey begins on March 23 and continues until April 13. Where: Invitations will be sent to students’ RIC email accounts.

Do you have the experience to get a full time job? Internships give you the skills you need to succeed. Bridge.jobs helps you connect with employers in Rhode Island and find the perfect internship for you. Create a free profile, attach your resume, read the blog and start searching for available opportunities in Rhode Island today.

The Center for Research and Creative Activity invites students to share their perspectives in a focus group discussion. Participants will be compensated with a $10 Dunkin’ Donuts gift card and a chance to win a $50 gift card from Barnes & Noble Booksellers.

Visit www.bridge.jobs to register.

The session will be held on campus and last about an hour.

Or download bridge.jobs in your app store!

If interested, please email crca@ric.edu!