Canchor

WHO'S GOBBELING WHO?

MYSTERY MUSICIAN MASHES MUSIC!

SPECI AL SCOO P

Surprise guitarist serenades RIC's spring concert with "Johnny B Goode"

CANCHOR

T H E

Could this be the end for RIC's favorite power couple?

SMITH SANTURRI

SPLIT! 'S T A H W IR E H T R O F T NEX

April 1, 2015 $7,602 US

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D L I E CH

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hen President Carriuolo awakes in the morning and gazes over her domain of Rhode Island College, she hears the sound of turkeys across campus.

She waits and turns back inside to finish breakfast.

But, was that just a glance outside, or did she hear the sound of her potential lover? Carriuolo has had a long history with the native Rhode Island turkeys, for as a wee lass, she played with turkeys on her parents’ farm. As she grew older, the relationship with her turkey lovers may have blossomed into something more.

An anonymous student who somewhat, but not entirely, knows Carriuolo personally had this to say; “Those damn turkeys keep

CARRIOLO/TURKEY

LOVE AFFAIR!

Smith & Santurri Split!

Could this be the end of RIC’s power couple?

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n a shocking turn of events, the Canchor has reason to believe that after over a year of being attached at the hip, Student Community Government President Rob Santurri and Treasurer Rob Smith are splitting up.

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The red hot couple has been the dream team of Rhode Island College for the past year, making appearances together at every major event, especially formal events where the two could show off their dances moves. But according to our sources, there’s been some major speculation out on campus as to whether the two are going to last. A Canchor insider told us that he saw the two fighting in the middle of the quad, which ended in the pair

splitting apart and going their separate ways.

The once happy doves used to be the “it” couple at Rhode Island College. In charge, in love, well dressed, they had it all. Students on campus looked to them as idols. Now with sources reporting that their love is in shambles, RIC students are in shock, and rumors are beginning to stir up as to what will happen to their rumored, but not yet confirmed, love child.

The couple’s love life has been in shambles in the past couple weeks as they have scrambled to balance the high life of campus stardom and student leadership.

If the rumors of the love child are true, we can only assume that it plays a role in their stress.

Pretty boy Rob Smith, who is also the General Manager of the Radio Station WXIN, has been seen with Santurri less and less this week, leading sources to assume that he is moving on. Our sources told us that after another big fight two nights ago, Smith stormed out of the radio station with two coffees in his hands and a strong stench of espresso on his breathe and he shouted, “I could do better than him!”

The stress of the relationship peaked to an all time high this week for Santurri as well.

Santurri, who is still head over heels for Smith, even though Smith is quickly falling out of love, seems lost these days.

According to one of our friends, Santurri reportedly said, “Being a part of the “it” couple on campus isn’t all that its cracked up to

be.” When things were good, they were great, but with Smith looking to move on to bigger and better things Santurri hates being in the limelight.

So what is next for RIC’s celebrity couple? Will the stallion Rob Smith become Rhode Island’s number one bachelor, or will his addiction to coffee beans be his downfall? On the day of graduation, will Santurri walk the stage without his sweetheart cheering him on? Or will the couple band together for the sake of their child, so Santurri can pass down his mom jeans and New Balances, and Smith can show another how to grow a mean mane of hair? For all things Smith/Santurri, stay tuned with the Canchor.

w I’ sl T O C a to b e w fe C ti h H d se a am Co it’ w po

waking me up at six freakin’ AM! I’m trying to get some gosh darn sleep!”

This can only mean one thing… they’re porking!

Or rather...gobbling. Speculation arose when Carriuolo was walking through campus one day and started to talk to the turkeys in their native tongue; although she may have been hiccupping, but that is highly unlikely. The most probable explanation for their conversation is that they were planning on making their future exchanges feistier than before.

Carriuolo was unavailable for questioning at the time, but she probably would have admitted to having an affair with at least one of the turkeys.

How could a president of a college allegedly do this? What are the turkeys’ names? Are they sexy? Why is the mascot an Anchorman and not an Anchor-turkey? It is undeniable with this amount of hardcore evidence that Rhode Island College will soon have human/turkey babies in it’s midst. Soon, President Nancy Carri-turkey will conquer Rhode Island with her mighty poultry lovers!

ARTIST RENDERING

What did SCG do for you this week?

Surprisingly the same as last week.

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REAL LIFE

RIC campaigns for Cruz Because who wants a sane person in office, right?

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his past week, front-running presidential candidate Ted Cruz paid a visit to Rhode Island College, where President Nancy Carriuolo enthusiastically declared the college’s support for his campaign.

“The country is ready for some real grassroots change,” she said. “And the only way we are going to get it is by stalling governmental procedures by conducting a pseudo-filibuster.

Ted Cruz is willing to go the extra mile, and has proven so by not only wasting precious minutes on the Senate floor talking about duck dynasty, but by directly contributing to the 2013 government shut down. He is the type of man Rhode Island College needs in office.”

Cruz, who came to RIC to campaign as well as attend the much awaited Timeflies concert, stated that he knows the issues that young people face today, and is willing to tackle them head on.

“Insurance? Why, none of you

need that, right?” He began, amidst a crowd of cheers. “Young people don’t ever get sick, so let’s repeal Obamacare!

You all should be given the American right to have huge medical bills

like the rest of us!”

His stance on insurance is unsurprisingly the same for college loans.

“It is a God-given American right for students to have the privilege to struggle with $100,000 in loans after college graduation, and I will be damned if any of you have to give that up,” Cruz said with fervor.

Many students at the rally agreed with Cruz, ready to begin campaigning for him.

“I mean, why do gay people need to get married anyway? It’s not like they can have babies,” said speech attendee Idunn Knonuthin.

“He’s totally right, we should repeal all those gay marriage laws.”

“He can run even though he was born in Canada,” said another student, who wished to remain anonymous.

“I really don’t care as long as he’s white. Well, identifies as it. He’s pretty much denounced his

Advising? What’s up with that!?

“I mean, course requirements? What’s up his last week marks the beginning of with that?” Jerry asked while pressing a everyone’s favorite time of year - the button on his desk that played a canned glorious Advising Season! While we are laugh track over the PA system in his all gearing up for meetings to discuss our office. “Yeah I’ve got absolutely no idea hopes and fears for the coming semesters what I’m doing!” with our favorite people, the Canchor staff “Mr. Seinfeld sir, I’m actually a little have taken the story to the people and worried. I had planned out my next rounded up some undergraduates to share few semesters here, but these new the stories of their semesterly advising requirements in my major really threw me appointment. off schedule,” said Odstan.

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Cuban side anyway. Those damn communists!”

Cruz went on to explain his climate change beliefs, citing that Rhode Island still gets all four seasons.

“See, if it were actually getting hotter, you guys wouldn’t have those beautiful autumns or the winter wonderlands you get every year,” Cruz stated. “But Rhode Island still, miraculously, gets all four seasons! If the world were getting hotter, wouldn’t your summer cut directly into winter? How did you even get all that snow last year if climate change was a real thing?”

Cruz denied to comment on whether or not he knew that this past winter was the warmest on record.

After the speech, Cruz was seen “dad” dancing with students at the Timeflies concert, which was a huge hit. It was also rumored that he was seen practicing kissing a female student, like he did with his wife before his presidential announcement, but sources have yet to confirm.

As the meeting continued Eddie became a violent shade of green, before rushing from the room, an interruption Jerry hardly seemed to notice.

“Oh look the computers being slow today.

It seems like it’s slow a lot. Do you think the hot soup I poured on the hard drive might have something to do with that?”

By the time the meeting was over Eddie had been applied to clown college, was enrolled in three different sections of the Eddie Odstan, Poli-Sci major in his 3rd “Just remember my dear boy: serenity same course, and had his graduation date year at RIC was excited about his newly now- insanity later.” set retroactively in the year 1983. appointed advisor, and welcomed Canchor “Also I think Jerry legally changed my “But what does that-“ staff to sit in on his meeting. name to Vargas. Man, that’s gunna be “Advising- wow! I never thought I’d be “We’ve implemented a new system for a tough one to explain to my parents.” your major; see now you have to take 72 able to get advised,” he said. credits more than before. It’s better! New Eddie- er, Vargas complained.

Upon arriving to the meeting it was & improved! Ah yes and it seems like “Don’t forget to visit your advisor, it’s discovered RIC had welcomed a new staff you’ll need to complete every class over crucial in order to get into round two of member to its team of dedicated academic again! But this time, in German!” the RIC pain game, course enrollment.” advisors, none other than comedy sweet Jerry Seinfeld added.

“I think I might be sick…” heart Jerry Seinfeld.

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Sexual frustration: RIC’s downfall?

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report recently published claims that our very own Rhode Island College has been ranked third in a national survey of the worst colleges and universities to find suitable men to date.

This has been detrimental to RIC’s image, and admissions are already are feeling the backlash. Enrollment for fall semester of 2015 has plummeted; current students have withdrawn and prospective students have decided to attend other institutions.

In response to this growing crisis, the Dean of Students Scott Kane has coordinated with Match.com, Christian Mingle, Farmers Only, and other online dating websites, with plans of recruiting prized men to attend RIC.

The end goal is to draw in more attractive, sensitive, and “commitment ready” males to satisfy our apparently ravenous population seeking male affection.

Kane stated that nothing is final; however the college has met with hundreds of eligible bachelors from all around the country so far. They are prepared to offer these erogenous men several sweet incentives to attend RIC, from free meals while on campus, to tuition assistance. The college is abuzz with anxious students, many waiting quite impatiently for the school to approve this budget to sustain the new program.

An incredible amount of supporters for this innovative program have shown up outside President Nancy Carriuolo’s

home this past week. They have not yet become violent, but the threat is surely there, as several carried pitchforks and guaranteed me they were ready to use them if necessary.

One of the more lively voices in the crowd, who would like to go unnamed, said that that they “are willing to do whatever it takes to boost the RIC population of suitable male inhabitants at RIC”.

Men and women alike proudly carried signs that read “Romeos Or Us”, a slogan they say is meant to illustrate their threat: bring in more Romeos for them to pick from, or they were leaving the school to finish their degrees elsewhere.

SPORTS

Terrance Jean-Jacques : From All-American to WWE ?

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errance Jean-Jacques recently was named co-NEWA Wrestler Of The Year after earning All-American honors with a second place finish at Nationals but the star wrestler has another accomplishment that not many people know about. Jean-Jacques caught the attention of a WWE talent scout at one of his tournaments and has been in talks with the company for several months now.

In May, he will be traveling to Orlando,Florida to participate in WWE training camps and attempt to break in with the company. One of the most accomplished single season wrestlers in RIC history may become one of the newest faces for a company who could use new starpower.

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We’ve got a wet campus!

College to allow booze back to school want to see what he has prepare for the 2018 election.”

RIC geese call for action for sustainability Providence - The geese have had enough! Over the past three weeks, RIC native geese are working together, along with Save The Bay and other local green groups for better sustainability policies.

“It’s been a tough season. Usually around this time of the year we have just enough for our bellies but with all the snow piling up it’s been difficult to get something to eat, “ Anser says, a goose who has fathered 5 children. “I see humans walking around, eating brownies, and listening to their iPods. Honk!

Hello I need help here. I need to eat too!” Said one of the youngest in the goose community. Mother Goose stated she is planning to speak in front of Student Community Government this upcoming Wednesday, along with others from the geese community to speak on this matter. “We want to start in our community.

Then gradually speak on the state level, since this is an issue everyone should be more aware about.”

Unexpected gas leak at the Recreation Center mutates Men’s Wrestling team, gives them superpowers Providence - On Thursday, at approximately 6:30 pm, an unexpected gas leak occurred in the men’s locker room in the Recreation Center. At the time of the gas leak, about four young men from RIC Wrestling team were exposed to the chemicals, which caused an unexplained mutation. The CIA and CDC are working together to explain the cause of this mutation, which enable the four young men to have unique powers such as heavy steel punches, flaming boulder shoulder throws, and grunt echoes that can pop any listener’s ear drum. The wrestlers are in the custody of CIA high-tech laboratories so that they may be examined further. The Recreation Center is also under investigation and will be is closed until further notice.

Roger Williams rises from the dead and wants his seat in the office Rhode Island - Many know him as the man that fled for religious freedom.

Others recognize him as the statue placed on the East Side of Providence.

According to media sources, our state founder, Roger Williams, has risen from the dead and is claiming his seat in the state house.

Williams shared one of his initiatives, which is to give land back to the Native Americans. Many political experts believe there is a low chance he can even make it to the primaries. “Rhode Island already has their first female governor, Gina Raimondo, will it be ready for a historic leader from the North Burial Ground Cemetery to run for office?” Questioned a librarian from the Rhode Island Historical Society. “This could get pretty interesting. Although it is probably early, I

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Brian and Stewie Griffin perform “This is a dog’s world!” Album on Federal Hill Providence - Brian and Stewie Griffin premiered their first jazz album, titled This is a dog’s world! in a Federal Hill bar last Friday. This jazzy album was an ongoing process dating back early 2014, with Brian Griffin as the lyricist and Stewie Griffin as the pianist.

Their album featured songs titled, “ I’m a Rhode Island Dog and I Know It!” and “Bye Bye Lewis, Oops! I meant Blackbird.” The show was a sensation with a full crowd dancing to the upbeat tempo. The last number, “April is a fool,” showcased Stewie and Brian’s tap expertise, which made the audience crave for an encore. The Griffins are expected to perform on Wednesday, April 1 at the family Italian restaurant Twin Oaks located in Cranston, RI.

Famous Kid President from YouTube plans to run for upcoming Presidential Election United States - Last Wednesday, Kid President announced in a YouTube video that he will be running in the Presidential Election in 2016. Robby, or better known as Kid President, is recognized for his inspiring video clips on YouTube, which empower “Awesomeness.” Kid President currently has a book in stores where he shares inspiration and more awesomeness. There is no word if he will join the Democrat or Republican party. However, according to various media sources, he plans to join an actual party with lots of dancing.

Many politicians believe Kid President has a high chance of winning the race. Kid President is already the most liked candidate by many viewers from YouTube and is well known by many celebrities. Last year, he attended the White House Correspondent’s Dinner.

Aliens work along with United Nations for World Peace United States - Last Monday, aliens from the planet Gazillion were welcomed at a World Peace Conference hosted by the United Nations. The World Peace Conference, held at the UN Headquarters, seeks to promote world peace and end injustices. At the conference, leaders from all around the world discussed and shared ideas. Saurin, leader of the planet Gazillion shared, “Mankind will lose everything if they do not learn from their ancestors’ history.

We’ve come to warn what is to come, and we worry that mankind will never see life again.” Although, Gazillions are unable to feel love like Earthlings, they have the ability to see the future. Gazillions arrived early Monday morning in an invisible aircraft and plan to stay until leaders from each nation agree upon a way to end injustices and found better initiatives to advocate world peace.

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tudents may have noticed that Donovan Dining Center has switched the products in its soda fountains from Pepsi to Coke.

Donovan recently switched out one of the fountains yet again, this time trading it in for a beer machine. The soda fountain located directly in front of the hot entrees will be directly affected by the change, while the fountain closest to the cash registers will not.

Alcohol will not be available in the Student Union or the Galley.

The change is in direct response to requests from city officials who do not want Federal Hill loaded with intoxicated college students.

Since it is mostly resident students that drink, college administrators hope that allowing them to drink here will prevent them from causing any trouble in public.

It is unknown whether the other state colleges in Rhode Island will follow RIC’s lead. Rhode Island College is the first college in the state to offer alcohol to its students. Dining Services plans to hold off on champagne, wine, and other alcoholic beverages for the time being but may open the door if the demand exists.

No beer will be served in the residence halls or in the many vending machines. Since drinking is a social event, it only makes since that alcohol use is limited to Donovan Dining Center.

The change is expected to go into effect for the 2015-16 academic school year. Beer will only be sold by the glass, there will be no bongs allowed on campus.

The college is ready to pull the plug on this experiment if it is discovered that the academic performance of a college as a whole decreases. Please be sure to drink responsibly.

FACTS

Attention, Earthlings (of which I am one)

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hen was the last time you, a fellow human being, born on planet Earth just like I was, used the word “bodysnatcher?”

Can you remember why you used that word? Probably not, because, as we humans say, it “wasn’t a big deal,” right?

Wrong.

It’s difficult enough for a skinstealing insectoid from outer space to assimilate into today’s society—I heard from a friend, because I wouldn’t know firsthand— without the added stigma of words like “bodysnatcher.” If you think about it with your spongy human brain, it’s a nasty sounding word, and not only because it doesn’t

have any clicking noises in it.

Essentially, it’s just another way of saying “body stealer,” which, while technically accurate, is still quite hurtful, I’m told.

How would you (or I, because this analogy definitely pertains to me) like it if people started calling you “endoskeleton-haver”?

You wouldn’t, would you? That’s because even words spoken with gross fleshy tongues carry a lot of weight, whether you mean them to or not. Maybe you were just frantically explaining the situation to your buddy Scott—who is absolutely one hundred percent still human—but even when you don’t think any insectoids are around, you’re perpetuating a

damaging stereotype. Anyway, can you ever be sure there are no insectoids around? Like, really sure?

I’m not trying to shame you if the word has slipped out, maybe while you were running for your life, wondering if you’d gone insane. What’s important is understanding why what you did was wrong and making the effort to never do it again. Taking as small a step as removing a word from your vocabulary is the first step to real acceptance, rather than just mortal terror of what might happen if the insectoids find out that you’re spilling their secret.

Nobody’s going to believe you, anyway. Give it up.

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INCOMING: RA SWAT team gears up for next semester

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watched as a battering ram hit the flimsy door.

“RA! Safety Check!

What’s going on here?!

Nothing?!

Good! You are all coming to my event tonight, no excuses, understand!?”

Those are the words that roared through the air at the new Resident Assistant training ground.

These young resident assistants are going through a special boot camp to become part of the newly established RA SWAT team.

“We think that this is a step in the right direction,” said Duffy McDuff, the Interim Head of the Resident Assistant Association. “A lot of students think we are going overboard, but our main priority is keeping the residents safe and helping them in any way we can.”

When watching their practice, I noticed the use of tools such as citation papers, Tasers and even battering rams. McDuff assured me that they are used merely for safety measures.

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“Well, it’s easier for RA’s to do their health and safety checks with this new equipment, it’s also better safety-wise,” he assured me.

Now, while I believe that most of us, including myself, think that this is a step in the right direction, some students have said they feel uneasy about it. I asked RIC student Lana Bobana what she thought about it.

“I just think they are going a bit too far, it seems almost scary,” she said.

It might be scary for some, but I think this is an awesome and enhanced way to help keep the resident students safe.

With the growing number of students using prohibited and highly lethal substances such as alcohol and marijuana, it should be at the top of everyone’s to-do list.

I personally can’t wait for these changes and wish to close by echoing senior RA April Doe: “I’m super excited for these changes, and to those worried about it, don’t stress!

Just think about how hard our job is, those battering rams are heavy! And if you have nothing to hide, then there won’t be any problem!” she said.

Dummies who worked on this paper, maybe. I think.

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I wish these people would be my friend Charlotte Abotsi Ashley Araby Everton Carter Colleen Cartwright Jonathan Carney Patrick Connolly Samuel Comfort Ryan Foley

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Legal stuff

The Anchor is student-run and published weekly during the academic year. Editorial decisions for The Anchor are made by a majority vote of its student editorial board. No form of censorship will be imposed by the college. Any material found to be unsuitable or unacceptable in the board’s opinion will not be published. The views expressed in The Anchor, unless otherwise noted, are those of the individual authors and do not necessarily represent those of The Anchor or of Rhode Island College’s faculty, administration or student body. The Anchor is not funded by and is independent from Rhode Island College. The first copy is free. Each additional copy is $2.25.

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Student Spotlight: Fun Guy

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fter the absurd success of last year’s concert, last week saw the return of stunning musical act Timeflies to Rhode Island College! Although the decision was questioned by some, SCG President Rob Santurri stands by his decision and claims that he has never felt differently about the topic.

“I certainly can’t argue with the results! I arrived at the concert, of course fashionably late, and was shocked at the impressive turnout. There were nearly a dozen people crammed into the Recreation Center to watch the amazing show! After just the first song,

R

ecently, professors in the geography, math and anthropology departments expressed surprise when extra exam answer sheets began appearing in their piles, all with near-perfect scores. Obviously, exam sheets like these couldn’t come from Rhode Island College students.

First, the professors simply assumed the 37 year old Scantron machine was more broken than usual. However, five days after they called in maintenance, the repairman showed up and said nothing was more wrong with it than usual. Then the professors knew they’d have to take matters into their own hands and actually pay attention while students did their exam, rather than just reading throughout the exam session.

I was already blown away and looking forward to the next four hours of hip-hop covers from the YouTube super stars.”

Santurri also added: “By the end of the show, I wasn’t alone in my applause, joined by the three other people who had stayed through the entire concert. I think last year and this year proved that no one plans a concert like the Student Event Committee.”

All things said and done, the concert earned an impressive $67 dollars, more than doubling last year’s profits, and helping to offset the $20,000 cost of the concert.

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Although focusing on the student for two hours was a test of the professors’ will power, they did eventually notice that there was an extra Scantron being filled out by the mold that fell out of the ceiling. The professors and students alike had simply become so used to the piles of mold that they didn’t even pay attention to now sentient fungus.

The mold, which fills out its exams under the name “Fun Guy,” has consistently scored better than the other students, and is likely to be added to Dean’s List this semester. The mold expects to graduate on time, with Summa Cum Laude, next spring, and go into politics.

Chicago Cubs consensus favorites to win World Series in 2015

F

ormer RIC baseball star Emmett Brown is now a member of the Chicago Cubs and he is ready for the upcoming MLB season.

“This is our year, we’ve had this a long time coming. I would say it is safe to place all bets on us this season” Brown said when I caught up with him on his way to practice. That is the type of confidence they will need in order to win the World Series.

Real ad

2 Reasons Why RIC

needs a football team

School Spirit

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he relationship between a fan and their football team is special. In New England, fresh off the Patriots miracle Super Bowl victory, getting fan support for the team would be easy and would help add a sense of identity for all students at RIC.

School Expansion Rumors of RIC renovating buildings, adding new housing options and a possible name change to Ocean State University would all match up well with the addition of a football team. One big step together as a unit. A football team would add to the already growing population here on campus.

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Donovan takes steps to improve its menu

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he biggest story from last week has to be the unveiling of the Donovan Dining Center’s new menu, which hopes to meet many of the student body’s requests, while also cutting costs across the board.

The new menu, according to the DDC, is nothing short of a drastic overhaul and improvement to its predecessor, was unveiled last week at a dinner after a seven-hour closure of the dining center for preparation.

The first part of the menu was the new improvements to the grill. In order to minimize costs and introduce better quality meat and toppings to the grill area, Donovan has hired several employees, at minimum wage of course, to dumpster dive behind local fast food restaurants and bring back their findings to the dining center, hoping to increase the popularity of the venue that students only go to when they have to be somewhere in five minutes.

The next big change was to the salad bar. Embracing the college’s vegetarian population, the new menu takes steps to be more open to this demographic, primarily by replacing its salad bar with the only food Donovan is aware the vegetarians eat: Various different flavors of tofu. The new tofu bar was met with aplomb by its target audience who called it “an insult to [their] lifestyle,” and “completely unnecessary.”

The biggest change at the deli was the Dining Center’s resigned acceptance of constant complaints that bacon is the only meat that costs extra, and they took steps to fix the problem. Now, every meat you’d like to put on your sandwich will cost an extra $0.75.

Of course, to go with this new menu, Donovan also released its new dining plan, in which residents will have 13.5 meals per week. Diners will have a different amount of money at each meal, with values affected by the time of day, day of the week, the current humidity, the tides and the worth of the euro.

Of course, the changes can’t please everybody, but these are definitely the first steps to pleasing the never satisfied student body. Already, students have expressed their love of the new menu, calling it “a waste of time and money,” “a serious inconvenience,” and a “major reason to transfer out of RIC.”

Faculty Spotlight: Lloyd Matsumoto

S

ometime a professor just makes you okay with being a biology major.

Word on the quad is that Dr. Matsumoto’s biology classes are the easiest at Rhode Island College. Being unconfirmed, a survey was handed out to those students who have attended or are attending a class taught by Dr. Matsumoto. Long story short, the results and comments support the rumors.

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Over 91 percent of students who completed a class taught by Dr. Matsumoto reported that they received an A or higher with “very little effort.” It was also found that many of the comments on the

survey were very similar to each other, some of which included: “Slept in every class and lab, still passed,” “My middle school tests were harder than his exams,” and “He was right, ceviche is better than sex.”

It is unclear as to why the Biology Department is letting Dr. Matsumoto be so lenient with his students. The Canchor has tried reaching out to his only known superior, Dr. Yahweh, but received no response.

Want to lose weight?

- Love Bug

Eat McDonalds!

D

riving down the highway and trying to locate the healthiest fast food choice?

To me there is no question which is the best option, but it has come to my attention that there is some confusion. I am here to clear up the myth that

get to guess whether or not the meat you’re eating is even meat at all! To me, I find that exciting because in addition to satisfying your hunger, you get to participate in a guessing game. They should have some sort of prize for the winner.

Maybe even free McDonald’s for a year, because who would not love that?

If you are trying to eat better, it is very important to only order certain items on the menu, which I will explain.

Instead of choosing water as your beverage, choose soda, because it is basically the same thing, if not better. Definitely skip the salad option, because the dressing is unhealthy and fattening. In fact, avoid it at all costs if you are trying to lose weight, because it will do you no good. Instead, get a Big Mac, maybe even three of them, because they will keep you fuller, longer. I am disappointed that they got rid of their supersize option, but the regular size will just have to do. To overcome this dilemma, order twice as much food as you usually would.

McDonald’s is bad for you, which I am shocked is even in question. What people don’t realize is that just by looking at their menu, you can clearly see that they are all about providing healthy food. From the mayonnaise on the buns to the corn syrup in the soda, they pack in tons of nutrients.

You can easily cover your food groups just by eating at McDonald’s. Fries and ketchup alone take care of two servings of vegetables! Not to mention the sesame seeds that are scattered on the buns, which provide a significant source of protein. You can also turn to the juicy burgers covered in bacon to satisfy your protein need, as well. No one knows where the meat comes from, but that is part is the fun! You

McDonald’s also saves you money because you can eat your whole day’s worth of calories in one meal. Not many places have that perk. Just think, if you eat McDonald’s for lunch, you have no need to eat for the rest of the day! Make sure you get an order of chicken nuggets on the way out so you can snack on the ride home.

Snacking between meals is the most effective way to lose weight, so grab a few orders of fries to keep on hand as well.

McDonald’s even provides fresh fruit in the form of their apple pie, so always end your visit by purchasing a few of them. With all of these healthy options, I do not see why they get such a bad reputation. If you want to lose weight, just eat McDonald’s.

Dear Love Bug,

Hey, Jess!

I am a 21-year-old male student with some concerns about my sexual reproductivity. It seems that puberty has come and gone and I still have not gotten my period! All the other guys I know give me strange looks when I try to talk to them about this issue, and yet no answers! I even asked my father about his period, and still nothing! Can you help me?

-Male and Confused Dear Male and Confused, I can only think of one reason why you haven’t gotten your period yet: You must be pregnant! CONGRATS! Now as is customary for anyone expecting, make sure you do the appropriate thing and quit school, start drinking (before noon is a good time, the earlier the better) and smoke like a chimney!

The nutrients in alcohol, cigarette smoke and dead dreams will increase brain activity in your adorable little fetus. Also, ask absolutely everyone for money. They will love this, and every little bit helps when it comes to being a top notch parent. Plus, being a single parent is EXPENSIVE! Get them dollas, bro!

Hi, Jess!

This is a bit embarrassing to ask advice about, but my girlfriend and I were fooling around the other night, when all of a sudden the worst thing happened. Her parents walked in on us and asked to join! She seems mortified from the incident, but I was so excited to bring some people new into the bedroom, and lucky for us, two people she knew and trusted the most!

How can I get my girlfriend to get on board to this new experience?

That’s so crazy that she wouldn’t be in on it, I know that if my parents wanted in on my sex life, I would be delighted that they even wanted to be in the same room together! Such a bond between parent and child is so strong; I wish that more parents would want to be COMPLETELY invested in their children’s sex lives, especially as active participants!

I would go behind her back and talk to her parents about getting together, with or without her! Talk about what a prude freak your girlfriend is, discuss what kinds of kink the lot of you would enjoy together, and maybe even go halfsies on sex toys!

Hope this is as wonderful an experience as I think it could be. I’m jealous!

Dear Jess, Is it natural for me to be so attracted to Ted Cruz? I find his oily forehead and detachment toward immigrants and the working class soooo sexy! His pot-belly makes me so hot, but I fear that maybe these feelings are starting to blossom into obsession! What should I do?

-Cruzin’ for Love Dear Cruzin’ for Love, It is DEFINITELY natural! Who wouldn’t love his policies and reservations about the gay community, the working poor, and immigrants? SO DREAMY! I am with you on this one, Ted Cruz is a dreamboat! One nice way to make the transition from #1 fan to obsessed psycho freak is to collect newspaper clippings featuring his campaign and other little keepsakes from the Cruz experience and turn them into a worship altar in the back of your closet! Tweet our sweet Teddy photos of your worship. He might enjoy it so much he may propose marriage (or at least a dominant-submissive relationship with you, because he’s so tolerant of sexual proclivity, after all)!

Go forth, my co-Ted lover!

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Fifty Shades of Grey E

very once in a while, you come across a film that teaches you about the complexities of the human condition. That film is “Fifty Shades of Grey,” and while I wouldn’t put it on par with something as deep or challenging as the “Twilight” films, it’s still a film that reminded me of how powerful the moviegoing experience can be, with dialogue that deserves an in-depth analysis on what makes us all human. The only thing missing from a film as brilliantly conceived as this would be thousands of explosions, but then again, nothing is perfect, and unfortunately, Michael Bay did not direct this movie.

Based on the best-selling novel written by the brilliant E.L. James, it centers on the lovely Anastasia Steele, (Dakota Johnson; gosh, she’s pretty) who interviews the intimidating Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan; gosh, he’s pretty.) Eventually, they both form a fascinating connection with one another, which results in forming a unique relationship. In regards to where it goes from there, I won’t give away too much, but let me just say: playrooms never looked so meticulously crafted before.

There’s so much to analyze about this film, it’s simply ridiculous. For now, I shall discuss the film’s screenplay, which is adapted from James’ groundbreaking novel by Kelly Marcel. Rarely have I encountered so many layers in just a simple line of dialogue before. One way you can interpret a line such as “I’d like to bite that lip,” could be that it represents an urgency for intense human connection, and what better way of connecting with another than with the simple touch of the lips?

With Sam-Taylor Johnson’s direction, the film is also shot with a visual flair. Mr. Grey’s playroom, for instance, deserves further critical

Horny Scopes

Aries

3/21-4/19

“Fifty Shades of Grey” is a cinematic experience unlike any other; while it’s not among the likes of “Twilight,” it does have something to say that speaks to an entire generation of males and females alike. If only it was shot in 3-D. RATING: A

Libra 9/23-10/22

You thought things were going great but you were so wrong! You’re single and that doesn’t seem to be changing. On top of all that this will be the most sexually frustrating week of your life! Sorry not sorry.

You are gonna get creative this week. And by creative I mean kinky. You will be open to new things and ready to take risks. Find new locations, new toys,new people. Live it up this week. Its time to get a little crazy.

Taurus

Scorpio

4/20-5/20 You know that relationship you just started? Well its time to slam on the gas. You are not moving nearly fast enough. Jump into bed have some fun, its called YOLO.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 CONGRATULATIONS you’re pregnant! Its a great time of year full of vomiting, emotions, no sex life, and blowing up like a beach ball. Dont worry this is just in time for summer where I am sure you will be glowing. For the Gemini men out there: Hide. Just hide.

Cancer 6/21-7/20 Well that relationship just ended. But don’t you worry, that weirdo you dated in high school is right around the corner. They want back in your life and they are proving that by watching your every move. They were at the bar last night and don’t worry, they were right behind you at the store. Its okay though, they just really love you.

Leo 7/21-8/22 The matches on Tinder will be plentiful this week. Everyone from the creepy old guy to the fifteen year old that totally lied about their age. You will have an influx of messages that will keep you busy all day long. Stay strong, your true match is just a swipe away.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

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analysis: when one thinks of a “playroom,” one thinks of a room filled with children’s toys, such as a Tickle-Me Elmo or a beautifully constructed Nerf gun. Oh, Mr. Grey’s playroom is filled with toys, alright, but not of the usual kind. It’s filled with items such as whips and blindfolds and other items he uses for his “experiments.” I, of course, interpret his room as a representation of everyone’s true childhood, because really, who never treated their own playroom like a dungeon at one point?

Sex will be plentiful! You will be approached many times this week for sex. Have fun. Let loose but use protection. You dont want to be like Gemini up there.

10/23-11/21

You are going to new heights this week. Seeking the older generations. Find that grandpa or grandma out there and rock their world. You want the mature side of them, that side that gravity has hit oh so hard. The relationship won’t last. They obviously can’t hold one if they are single at this age, but have fun while it lasts and just be ready to yell NEXT.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 This week you will focus on yourself. You will push all others aside and focus on what makes you happy sexually. Have fun with yourself. Try a new toy and make yourself happy.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19 Hold strong this week as your loved one will be accusing you of things. Hold true to your stories. Romance them and show them your love. You both need to relax, just don’t let them know if you are lying.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18 Get ready Aquarius! People are coming out of the woodwork to want to get with you. There will be many options and you are gonna have some fun. Go on dates, live it up. Throw your cares away and see what they have to offer. The list of people and animals will go on and on.

Pisces 2/18-3/20 This is the week of your cycle. Thats right, you too guys. You will be moody and irritable.

Decisions will be rough and the sex will be nonexistent. Stay positive. This too shall pass.

Movie Reviews

That movie

all because it would inhibit my ability to hat’s this about? Right, yeah, that feel angry about her existence (nay, the movie, the one with that actor and Also, did I mention the plot holes in this invasion) of nontraditional characters. everything. Yeah, it was terrible. Like, movie? Because seriously, there are so I guess there was also CGI at a couple really, really bad. I didn’t actually see it, many plot holes. My buddy didn’t want points in the movie, which basically means but a lot of other people have been talking to spoil anything, so he was sort of vague, it doesn’t have a soul. That’s pretty bad. Do about how bad that movie was, so I’m but I guess at one point one of the main you want to watch a movie without a soul? pretty sure it’s just awful. I think some guy characters does something really, really I sure don’t. online even called it the worst movie of the stupid, which was a pretty big plot hole. year, so…y’know, I don’t think I need to say I mean, my buddy and I totally agreed Finally, the movie (I meant to look up what it was called, but at this point I’m so any more than that. that, given nearly unlimited time to think far into this review that I don’t think it’s Oh, I do? Alright, whatever. The trailer and a natural disconnection from the even worth the effort anymore) was like honestly looked pretty dumb. Like, not events happening on-screen, we definitely a brooding drama or something, and I’m when I first saw it—because it actually wouldn’t have made the stupid decision really more of a comedy kind of guy, so if looked kinda cool then—but later when that that character made in a high-stress I had seen it, I don’t think I’d have liked I saw how much everyone else hated it. situation. it at all. So…one out of ten, one star, one That’s when I realized that my opinion had On the subject of the characters, I heard percent? Whatever our rating system is, I actually been the same as theirs all along, they really weren’t likable at all, especially give it like, the lowest score. and it did look like a bad movie. I think the one who I firmly believe was shoehorned the trailer kind of speaks for itself here, so in just to make people feel better about maybe just go watch that and see how bad themselves. Supposedly she was really the movie looks. If it doesn’t look bad, just relevant to the plot, but I don’t buy that at RATING: F

W

scroll down a bit to where people explain why it looks bad, and then you’ll be all set.

The fundamental p roblem with video games

A

bout a week ago, I was perusing the internet when I found a blog post on IGN.com entitled, “Is Gameplay Holding Back Games?” At first I thought to myself, “That is a riduculous notion,” but I wanted to be fair, so I read the entire post. This post was written two years ago by a gentleman named Henry Hollaway. Mr. Hollaway posited in his article that gaming is at a point where developers should care more about story than actual gameplay. He details the amazing stories told by games like The Last of Us and Bioshock Infinite, games that were sullied by their gameplay ripping the player out of the cocoon of immersion that the story was providing.

He praised other games such as Heavy Rain, saying that that was a game that purposely limited its gameplay to quick time events, more or less turning the game into a vaguely interactive movie, but it told such a good story, it didn’t matter. After reading this I thought to myself, “Yes! Of

course! He’s right!”

Naturally video games are being held back by gameplay! Gameplay kills any productive means of a story a game can provide. Games like Heavy Rain relegate themselves to easy-to-figure-out levels, and through that, I can watch an intricate story without having to worry about failing.

After all, David Cage, the series director, said in an interview that “game over is a state of failure more for the game designer than it is for the player.” Therefore, failing at a game is the fault of the developer, it’s not the player that is terrible at the game.

This also stops the player from witnessing Grade A Hollywood writing that video games have long been known for. If you hit game over screens, you’ll probably miss out on poignant lines from such games as Resident Evil: Revelations where character Jessica states, “Me and my sweet butt will be right over there!” But I missed that because the enemies kept killing me,

because I’m terrible at that game, and it’s all the developer’s fault.

So what are we left with when we combine the points from Hollaway and Cage?

Simply put, game developers are making games too hard with their gameplay and we as gamers can’t witness their story.

The story is the whole reason we all came to gaming in the first place, not the gameplay. Developers should first write a good story, then throw in gameplay at the end. Games should realistically play more like an interactive movie. Hollaway’s blog has started to make me wonder what else is being held back in the world. Is writing holding back literature? Are tires holding back cars? Perhaps eating is holding back our ability to live? One thing is certain above all else, though, and that is that gameplay is most definitely holding back games.

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