CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
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Contents
CANCHOR
NEWS
Vol. 82, No. 23 2010
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Chilean Earthquake Knocks Earth Off It’s Axis.
How freakin’ crazy is that? SCIENCE! 4
Obama Declares Cute Cat Videos Harmful to American Economy. Obama takes a
stance against Internet Cats.
5 New Fossil Solves Extinction Mystery. Dinosaurs
wrapped it before they tapped it.
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Gamer to Play for Deprived Gamers. Gamer holds
solo marathon for gamers everywhere. 7
Gigantic Kitten Fights Godzilla in Times Square. Two
walk in, one walks out in this epic catfight.
8 Chess Club Sabotaged by Average Joe. Conspiracy
comes of of old VP puts Club in checkmate. LIFESTYLE
13 Soy un Perdedor. Socialists give our Raver a leg cramp. 16 How to Survive a Zombie Attack. The Canchor’s
own zombie tells you how to survive.
17 McDonald’s. We review the best of them all. Greasy burgers. 18 Spice Up Your Life. Have great sex by joining your local BDSM scene.
Sensual Message Aaron Buckley slathers Editor Andrew Augustus in soothing lotion. Photograph by Alexander Hoffman - Canchor ARTS
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Justin Beiber’s My World
Rob rates this album as WORST. ALMBUM. EVER.
2.0.
22 RIC Mainstage Changes Shows Again. “Chicago” and
How to Raise Your Xenomorph. Because
who doesn’t want an alien who’ll have babies through your stomach?
28 Editor in Chief Takes the Plunge. Kam faces biggest
challenge of his life in Costa Rica.
29 RIC Now Home to Midget Tossing Champion. Seriously.
“Pippen” are exit stage left. In comes “Carousel.”
We couldn’t make this shit up.
24 America the Beautiful. For those cheap and easy dates, try Patriot Cinemas.
30 NFL Becomes NFFL. The NFL goes for the flags.
24 Rock Hunt and OSFS Festival Headline April Entertainment. WXIN holds yearly
31 March Madness Snips. Vesectomies go up during biggest basketball week.
concerts yet again. 19 Bermuda Triangle. Ever feel like you just need to disappear for a while? Or forever?
SPORTS
25 Attack the Gas Station. Contains: Chinese Delivery Gangsters. A must see for everyone. 27 The Bluffers. A silly cartoon you’ve probably never heard of.
So I herd u liek Mudkipz. Canchor Layout Editor Daniel Jordan heard about your interests. Photograph by Madeline Maloney.
on the cover: Photograph by Hayden James for CANCHOR. The Canchor is student-run and published weekly during the academic year. Editorial decisions for The Canchor are made by a majority vote of its student editorial board. No form of censorship will be imposed by the college. Any material found to be unsuitable or unacceptable in the board’s opinion will not be published. The views expressed in The Canchor, unless otherwise noted, are those of the individual authors and do not necessarily represent those of The Canchor or of Rhode Island College’s faculty, administration or student body. The first copy is free. Each additional copy is $2.25. Copyright © 2010 The Canchor. All rights reserved.
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CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
News
Truly badass rendition of Earth’s inevitable destruction in 2012 courtesy of zastaki.com.
OBAMA AGAINST KITTENS
NEW FOSSILS
DEPRIVED GAMERS
World News: Kitten vs. Godzilla
page 7
KITTEN VS GODZILLA
AVERAGE JOE
Chilean Earthquake Knocks Earth Off Its Axis An 8.8-magnitude earthquake in Chile killed over 790 people in February, but NASA tells us that the quake also produced a greater global effect. The earthquake actually knocked the Earth slightly off of its figure axis – the axis about which the Earth’s mass is balanced – by about three inches. The Earth’s north-south axis was offset by about 33 feet. This caused, among other things, our days to become almost imperceptibly shorter by about 1.26 microseconds (microseconds being one millionth of a second). Earthquakes making this kind of global change is not a new concept, though. The 9.1-magnitude Indian Ocean earthquake in 2004 generated a tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands is said to also have shifted the Earth’s axis by just under three inches, but likely shortened our days by 6.8 microseconds. Richard Gross, a JPL research scientist, developed the preliminary calculations on the effects of the Chilean earthquake with a group of fellow researchers. According to him, despite the higher magnitude of the 2004 earthquake, its effect on the Earth’s rotation was smaller. Quake location and the angles and position of the faults responsible play a significant role in how and to what degree things are affected. Whereas the 2004 quake took place relatively near the equator, the Chilean earthquake took place in the mid-latitudes, which gave it more power over the axis. The most powerful earthquake ever recorded (at magnitude 9.5) occurred in 1960. The quake was called the Valdivia earthquake, named for the Chilean city that was the most affected. – By Brian Walsh CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
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News
Obama Declares Cute Cat Videos Harmful to American Economy By Edward Taylor
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CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
I can haz article? Courtesy of culturekitten.com
In an emergency joint session of Congress, President Obama declared that cute Internet cat videos are hindering the progress of the recovering economy. Surprised reporters in Washington, who had assumed the session was to discuss the recent passing of the health-care bill, were surprised to find large screens mounted on the House chamber walls. The meeting was one of the few meetings in recent congressional history where every member was in attendance. While waiting for the president to arrive, large screens played videos demonstrating what some call, “A plague on American efficiency.” Congress was shown videos of cute cats which were posted online, including largely popular videos such as “Keyboard Cat” and “Ninja Cat.” Bellowing laughter and “aww” sounds could be heard coming from the House Chambers, frightening several employees. Slideshow videos of what many call “Lolcats” were a hit with most of the congressional members. Several members of Congress were later found quoting some of their captions to one another after the meeting. Mr. Obama, an hour late to the emergency session, was reported to be stuck in traffic. The president began his speech directly upon his arrival. The large screens which had been playing the topic in question were turned off, which resulted in the sighing disapproval of Congress. Mr. Obama declared a state of emergency, declaring that cute and also funny cat videos were hindering the recovery of the American economy. Mr. Obama went on to say that workers are distracted by these videos while working in the office, and that the e-mailing of these videos among coworkers causes a chain reaction. Companies allowing their employees to surf infamous Web sites such as YouTube were shocked to find a decrease in their workers’ productivity. The president added that several companies have gone out of business from “cute cat video addiction.” The president’s speech moved on to those even more affected by the shocking phenomenon. The unemployed are one of the demographics most largely affected, he said. The videos keep the unemployed glued to their computers rather than looking for work, and there has been a major spike in Cheeto consumption as a result of this. Another demographic was students, with one out of every four students claiming they either failed a test or neglected to finish a paper as a result of online cat videos. Kitten videos seem to be most devastating among women. The president’s eye-opening two-hour speech could only be described as awe inspiring. Mr. Obama, not having enough time to set up upon his arrival, used no teleprompters, and the speech ended with a standing ovation by the members of Congress. “It was poetic, and changed my life,” a janitor who accidently stumbled into the session said. He spoke on condition of anonymity because he had not yet mopped the hallway. President Obama left the Capitol and returned to the White House to work over the next steps in fighting what he called “the online menace.” While some are still divided, many in Congress believe that the control of how many hours people are allowed to watch cute cat videos online is necessary, and that is the last speed bump in the road to economic recovery. Meanwhile, others have been reported saying that Obama’s new plan is a Communist plot and they “have a right to watch as many kitten videos that they can possibly stomach.” While there is a major division among the left and right on this hot-button issue, there is one thing that is certain. A once innocent picture of an overweight cat with the caption, “I can has cheeseburger [sic],” has sparked a debate that may change a nation. Several days later, an Obama staff speech writer stepped forward with words of apology. He stated that Obama had not been stuck in traffic, but that his speech was unprepared, as he had attempted to watch only a few videos for reference while writing the speech but became distracted for over four hours. Vice President Joe Biden could not be reached for comment. His assistant told The Canchor “he [was] too busy pwning noobs and leveling up his night elf hunter.”
News
New Fossil Solves Extinction Mystery
A new find from the Liaoning Province in China may finally answer the question of why dinosaurs went extinct roughly 65 million years ago. It has been the consensus of the scientific community, based on iridium levels in a specific layer of the Earth’s soil, that at the end of the Cretaceous period a large asteroid struck the planet and caused a chain reaction that resulted in mass extinction. However, recent studies suggest that the asteroid was merely the final blow and that the dinosaur population had been steadily decreasing for a time before the catastrophic event. The Liaoning province, already famous for producing remarkably well-preserved fossils and providing proof that many dinosaurs had feathers, has now offered evidence as to why there was such a decline. On March 26, scientists unearthed a fossil of two dinosaurs in the act of mating, the male wearing what is clearly a primitive condom.
Yes. This is a dinosaur condom. Your argument is invalid. Courtesy of willywardrobe.com
An actual Paleontological rendition of red hot dinosaur sex courtesy of Raul Martin.
By Rahm Foreskis
CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
“At first we thought it was the first preserved dinosaur genitalia,” said paleontologist Henry Diggins, who discovered the specimen, “But then we noticed that no other soft tissue was preserved. Moreover, we noticed a distinctive rim as well as a reservoir tip that identified it unmistakably as a prophylactic.” The sheath appears to have been made from pebbled skin, probably from a herbivore or a small reptile, that was haphazardly sown together. Scientists theorize that the skin must have been fairly absorbent in order to be effective as birth control. “This proves that dinosaurs, or at least the therapods [carnivores], were much smarter and more dexterous than we’ve previously given them credit for,” said Diggins. Evidence also suggest that this was already a common practice when these animals were killed, since upon closer inspection the contraceptive was fitted with a number of barbs and grooves, suggesting its duel role as a pleasure enhancer. “This makes sense, as the specimens have been identified as velociraptor mongoliensis,” Diggins said, “and we all know raptors were freaks.” It should also be noted that these are the first V. mongoliensis specimens found outside of Mongolia, making this discovery doubly rare. As to how these animals came to use such advanced birth control methods – or any at all, for that matter – scientists postulate that sexually transmitted diseases during the Cretaceous period must have been as much of an epidemic, if not more than, they are today. “Fortunately, or unfortunately depending how you look at it,” said Rhode Island College paleontologist Percival Wulfric, “these animals had no concept of abstinence, so the lack of misinformed abstinence-only education methods meant that diseases and pregnancies actually did decrease, as opposed to our society.” Wulfric, 32, said he is expecting his first grandchild. A cast of the specimen will be put on display at the Boston Museum of Science later this year.
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News
Gamer to Play For All Deprived Gamers By Hayden James
Rhode Island College super senior Justin Darwalington, 32, has announced that he will be off the grid for about three days for his annual Gaming for Deprived Gamers Marathon (GDGM). The event is in memory of Darwalington’s friend and founder of GDGM, Thomas Jeremy, who died tragically when he forgot to eat and drink anything during release week for “Gears of War” in 2006. Due to his current unemployment status, he has had to change the usual event location from his apartment to his mother’s basement. He said the move hasn’t shaken his resolve to play video games and that nothing should come between a gamer and their television screen. He did admit though that occasionally he lifts his legs off the floor when his mother is vacuuming. “This event is very important to me because I know that there are gamers out there who have jobs and friends who might not have the time to play Xbox or even Playstation,” said Darlington. “I know how tough it is being a gamer with a life…well, no, I don’t, but this is for them. I’m playing for all of those people that sacrifice their time online for regular lives.” The event usually lasts for several days, and typically takes a weekend. According to Darwalington, several games are selected for play, which he then attempts to beat as soon as possible. If he hasn’t finished a game, the event isn’t over. During last year’s GDGM he selected “Assassin’s Creed,”
“Bioshock,” “Dirt 2,” “NHL ’09” and “Coffeetime Crosswords.” During the third day of consecutive and uninterrupted gameplay he was halted halfway through “Coffeetime Crosswords” by a pizza delivery ordered by an alleged prankster neighbor.
“I remember being furious that someone could be so disrespectful to me and to this tradition,” said Darwalington. “It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t right, it was absolutely despicable.” The alleged prankster, Matthew Piccarelli, was a neighbor in an adjacent apartment from Darwalington’s who claimed that it wasn’t a prank at all but rather an attempt to get Darwalington to eat something. “I know him well, and I know how dedicated he is. I know he wouldn’t stop to eat on his own. He’s a great competitor but everyone has their limits,” said Piccarelli. “If I thought I could I’d be there right beside him, but I just don’t have what it takes. He might consider me his enemy now – but that’s the sacrifice I was willing to make to ensure that great gamers continue to play.” Darwalington did admit he liked the pizza. This year’s selection include “Battlefield: Bad Company 2,” “Forza Motorsport,” “Final Fantasy XIII” and “Coffeetime Crosswords II.” Darwalington plans on completing the “Coffeetime Crosswords” first to avoid any interruptions. “I didn’t complete the first one [“Coffeetime Crosswords”] but I’ll complete the second. This is something I have to do for gamers everywhere,” said Darwalington. “I cleared it with my mom already and she said she won’t be admitting anyone into the basement. I know this year’s marathon is going to be one to remember.”
Courtesy of trippenbach.com.
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CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
News
Gigantic Kitten Fights Godzilla in Times Square
Courtesy of the screaming, screaming people of New York City (hear shown not screaming).
By Dan Mothra
NEW YORK – During a blood feud, a mutant kitten, standing over 100 feet tall, and the legendary Godzilla destroyed Times Square and most of the Manhattan borough of New York City, causing over $9 trillion in damage. During the attack over 9,000 New York residents were killed, 20,000 were wounded and 10,000 still remain missing. Godzilla eventually beat the kitten by luring it with a nearby tuna freighter into power lines and then proceeded to disappear into the sea while growling angrily. Many residents who survived the attack turned their anger on President Barack Obama. In the words of one resident, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to release any information, “If Obama wasn’t so dead set on passing that damn healthcare bill and had paid more attention to global warming, the iceberg that held Godzilla would never have melted and we wouldn’t be in this mess.” Other residents claimed that it was divine punishment; according to Manhattan resident Marian Ditonno, the attack was from God, judging America for performing animal testing to measure the effects of recent stem cell research. Regardless of the reasons for the attack, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg called for a unification of the people, saying, “Despite this terrible disaster, we must stand together as a city and as a nation. The only way the people of New York will recover from this attack is through unification with those around them and the assistance of the American people not directly affected by the attack.” President Obama also commented on the attack; in an interview with Brian Williams, anchor of “NBC Nightly News,” he said, “I don’t think that anyone could’ve been prepared for such an attack and I commend the people, firefighters and police officers of New York City for their actions during and after the attack. It is imperative that the rest of America provide assistance to those in need.” The feud was reportedly started on March 22, when Godzilla, after being agitated by the noise and lights surrounding New York, spilled the mutant kitten’s milk saucer, causing the kitten to retaliate. It seems that this time, there are plenty of reasons to cry over spilt milk.
CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
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News
Average Joe Sabotages Chess Club By Nick Roads
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has dispelled the notion that the Chess Club is floundering, and discovered that it is, in fact, hosting a prominent tournament on the Rhode Island chess scene this spring. “The Chess Club isn’t failing, we will be co-sponsoring the Rhode Island State Chess Championship in May,” said Boyden-Wilson in interview. According to club Secretary Hayden James, the Chess Club isn’t failing; its rise to prominence on the RIC student organization scene is just beginning. “We’re doing big things now,” James said, “and Joe was a big part of the beginning of those ideas.” However, Frank Wellington, two-
time president and founder of the RIC Backgammon Club, disagrees. “I don’t give a [expletive deleted] what they say, the Backgammon Club is hands down the best gaming club on campus. The Chess Club can go [expletive deleted] themselves.” Wellington also said that he thanked Robillard for “bringing the Chess Club down to where they belong – in the gutter of RIC clubs.” While opinions may vary wildly about whether Joe Robillard destroyed the Chess Club, clearly big things are in store for the organization, but the Backgammon Club may have other plans.
CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
Joe Robillard plotting at Chess Club last year. /Mandy Wray Dion
The Rhode Island College Chess Club has allegedly been mired in obscurity in recent years, and word on the street is that the man responsible for running the club into the ground is none other than former club Vice President Joe Robillard. The Chess Club’s fall from the elite student organizations on campus has gone largely unnoticed, but several anonymous sources have speculated that Robillard has had a hand in the club’s downfall. The Canchor launched an investigation, and asked Robillard to comment about the accusations being charged against him. After taking a moment to collect his thoughts, Robillard began typing on Facebook chat. He said, “They say the Russians have fixed chess; have made it great. I say that me, ME, I made chess great. And now I must destroy it.” Robillard’s puzzling remarks prompted more questions than answers, which lead The Canchor to investigate further, digging for the truth behind the story. Chess Club founder and twotime President Nick Lima was asked to respond to the accusations against Robillard. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. What are you, an idiot?” Lima, the current club treasurer, said. Current Chess Club President Matthew Boyden-Wilson said, “Joe [Robillard] was a busy man when he was involved in the Chess Club, he had a passion for the game, but sometimes he didn’t have the time to come to meetings.” After seeking the truth, The Canchor
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CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
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Staff Information
THE CANCHOR CANCHOR STAFF Chet Argobast • Milton Beige • Mike Dikda • Rob Duguay • Rahm Forenkis • Lo Ho • Balls “Balls” McCoy • Dan Mothra • Cross Roads • Dan Ronelia • Edward Taylor • Braaaaaain Thomas • Weyland Yutani
EDITORS Editor-in-Chief Kameron Spaulding editorinchief@anchorweb.org
CONTACT General 401.456.8280 Advertising 401.456.8544 Editor-in-Chief 401.456.8790 Fax 401.456.8792 Web www.anchorweb.org General Information info@anchorweb.org
Managing Editors Katie Carroll Casey Gaul managing@anchorweb.org Business Manager Vacant business@anchorweb.org News Editor Hayden James news@anchorweb.org Lifestyles Editor Adam D. Bram opinions@anchorweb.org A&E Editor Justin Wilder arts@anchorweb.org Sports Editor Andrew Augustus sports@anchorweb.org Layout Editors Sam Mandeville Daniel Jordan layout@anchorweb.org Photography Editor Mandy Wray Dion photography@anchorweb.org Graphics Editor Zach Serowik graphics@anchorweb.org Copy Editor Nicholas J. Lima copy@anchorweb.org Technology Director Alex Tirrell technology@anchorweb.org Advertising Manager Nicholas Bernardo ads@anchorweb.org Circulation Manager Adam Chapasko distribution@anchorweb.org Faculty Advisor Lloyd Matsumoto lmatsumoto@ric.edu Professional Advisors Doug Hadden Rudy Cheeks
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CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
Opinions
Soy un Perdedor Stark Raving Mad
People…I am scared. I am scared for my safety, I am scared for your safety and I am scared for the safety of America. America, this country I love so much. I love the freedoms of this land. But these freedoms are being taken away one by one. I wish this weren’t so. I’d love to tell you that everything was okay, that we weren’t heading into a fiery apocalypse as stated in the Holy Book. I’d love to tell you that I’m just being needlessly paranoid and that I just need medication and a straitjacket. But I just can’t do that. It would be doing you all a disservice. The government, the Maoists and the Nazis that have been given free reign over this great nation are taking away our right to feel good. The other night, I was lying in bed, when the back of my thigh contracted in a painful way and stayed there. The socialists gave me leg cramps. I know this because my leg was not being flexed, nor was it deprived of oxygen or water. The temperature did not dramatically fluctuate, I always keep my salt levels high, and my period isn’t for another two weeks. “But Adam,” the naysayers might say, “what makes you think it was the government?” The clues, people. There have been clues, and I’m sorry I’m not up to my usual standards; I didn’t notice until it was too late. It was when the so-called vice president swore on live television during the passing of the unhealth-care bill. What we thought was a gaffe was really a code to our communist president. Let’s just examine this word, this filthy word that I will not utter here for your sake. First there’s the F, followed by the U. Put that together, it spells Fu. Fu is a Chinese word meaning “happiness” or “blessing.” It also sounds like how a baby would ask for food without being able to talk. CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
Chinese…Food. People, they’re putting chemicals in our Chinese food. Interesting side note: what kind of government do they have in China? Communist! They’re putting cramping chemicals in our American Chinese food in order to turn us into China! And the so-called president is happy about it! But who is actually carrying this out? They have to be using a third party, or else more people would be on to them. Well, if we go back to the board here, Biden’s true gaffe is telling us exactly who the government has carrying this heinous act out. C, K. Comedian Louis C.K.! I know you may scoff. I know Jon
Stewart will copy me exactly and try to make you think I’m crazy, but think about it! Louis C.K. is a stand-up comedian. They’re like musicians, in that they can tour all over our country. He can visit not only the food chains, but also all of our nation’s reservoirs in one fell swoop! Wait a second…Jon Stewart used to be a stand-up comedian…Oh my god, he’s in on it, too. And neither of them are strangers to the word in question! People, I’m not telling you to take down Louis C.K. or Jon Stewart in order to save our country. Not at all. I’m telling you to take down Louis C.K. and Jon Stewart to save yourselves! Nobody likes cramps! You’ll have to excuse me for now, for I feel a good cry coming on.
The only defence against the Socialists./Photographer
An artist’s rendition of the future of America courtesy of Adam D. Bram.
By Adam D. Bram
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Opinions
Where is the craziest place you’ve had sex on campus, not including your dorm room? Q & Canchor ‘On stage during the Vagina Monologues...it was more interesting than watching people read for two hours.’ Zachary Serowik Creative Writing (aka future retail manager of America). 20XX.
‘You know that little balcony by Browne? Yeah...no one goes there.’ SAM2 Making Things Pretty. Graduating Class? Haha.
‘The roof of the Student Union. With your mother.’ Cassie Gull Major: Shooping. Class of Fuck You.
‘The Quad during Free Period. You couldn’t see me cuz I’m a ninja!’ Translucent Penguin I don’t fucking know! With a minor in linguistics. After Colony 196.
‘The Donovan truck. Who knew they didn’t lock that shit?’ Sailor Jupiter. Fighting evil by moonlight. Class of 1997.
‘In the back of the Athletics golf cart, or so I’ve been told...I don’t remember.’ Warren Turner Communications. 2013
‘Inside the sky bridge during free period, and on Weber Beach.’ Wan Koff Majors in Sex Outside (Public Relations). Graduates: When I feel like it.
‘In the Greenhouse; we had to use some plants as a make-shift condom.’ Kiss & Don’t Tell Majoring in Pun-tang. Will be in college for my whole life. 14
ANONYMOUS STAFF ACCOMPLISHMENTS
I’ve had to help someone into a moving car during a faulty Chinese fire drill. Got pulled over by campus police while underage with 30 beers, two open in the cup holders and two stolen state signs, and was told to just hurry up and get back to my dorm. Curled. With the stones and the brooms on the ice. I gave away my fake adoptive son at his demonstrative gay wedding. Stole a stop sign, a Do Not Enter sign, and an 18-foot Dunkin’ Donuts sign. Slept with the former SCG treasurer in attempt to acquire funding for a purple Anchor bus. Walked across the top of the sky bridge. Smoked weed on the 2nd floor of Donovan. Rode in the passenger seat of a stolen car. Never been to jail. Consumed a live goldfish. Touched first vagina when I was 7. 12 years in the woods, spending all my time with small boys...earning my Eagle Scout Rank. CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
Photo of the Week
Laura Horton
This week’s winner:
I felt that, to know the man, you must see the man. Submit your photos to
photography@anchorweb.org CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
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Lifestyles
How to Survive a Zombie Attack By Braaaaaaain Thomas
With spring just around the corner, you know what that means, zombies are thawing out and it is time to prepare for the oncoming hordes of zombies. Everyone is looking for advice and who better to ask than a zombie? So, here I am to answer all of the questions that have been gnawing at your brain. Where is the best place to go on campus in case of an attack? The best place to go in case of a zombie attack is the Quad. Now, you’re thinking, “Won’t the quad be full of zombies?” Yes, and that’s why it is the perfect place to hide. They will expect you to hole yourself up in a closet or something, not be right under their noses (if they still have them attached). What should I do if I see a zombie? The average person would tell you to run, but that’s silly. Zombies see by motion. If you see a zombie, you should stay perfectly still. In fact, lie down on the ground, stomach up. Everyone knows zombies don’t look down. While you’re at it, close your eyes. If you can’t see the zombie, they can’t see you.
Should I bring a gun? What are you, a Republican?
vampires. There is only one way to truly kill a zombie: tickling. It is a little-known secret that zombies are very ticklish. So ticklish, in fact, that by doing so, they will instantly fall apart. However, please do not go around killing my brethren; I like them very much. In fact, there is one thing a zombie wants above brains, and that’s a hug. It is why we hold our arms out when we walk. If you give a zombie a hug, make sure to make it a full hug, with your head on our shoulders. By exposing your tender neck to our ever-hungry jaws. It represents a sign of trust that will touch us to our no longer beating hearts. We will in no way take advantage of this to bite you and eat you. I promise.
If I have to kill a zombie, what is the best way? I shouldn’t Well, I hope that helps answer your questions. If you have tell you this, after all these people are my brothers and sisters. any more you can always visit me at the Ducey Media Center. However, I did start this article, so I might as well do my due I’m in the basement chained, but don’t let that frighten you. I diligence. Some people think that beheading zombies is how broke the lock weeks ago. you kill them. That’s just a Hollywood myth, like sparkling 16
CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
The only defence against the Socialists./Photographer
If I have a chance to prepare, what should I bring/wear? Bring as much as possible! Remember, this may not be a zombie attack, it could be the apocalypse. You should bring everything that is valuable. Forget survival stuff, animals survive in the wild all the time and they don’t need tents or ropes. If you bring that stuff, everyone will make fun of you – even the zombies. As for what you should wear, bring loose and baggy clothes. If a zombie can’t tell how much meat you have on you, they might ignore you. Zombies are picky like that. If you really want to confuse the zombies, cover yourself in meat sauce. Your scent will baffle nearby zombies, allowing you to move freely.
Lifestyles
McDonald’s
McDonald’s 736 Branch Avenue, Providence, R.I.
High-Quality Foodstuffs
Chef Ronald McDonald knows the value of good exercise before cooking. Promotional still courtesy of McDonalds.
By Milton Beige
Hello all, and welcome to the first installment of The Canchor’s new restaurant column, High-Quality Foodstuffs. This week, we have a rare find: A wonderful and fairly obscure restaurant called McDonald’s. My friend and writing partner, Mr. Snuffles, dressed up in our best outfits and travelled down a small road to our destination. The atmosphere was incredible, with pleasant colors and lighting bright enough for me to actually see what I’m eating. It made me feel very welcome – especially when an employee actually said, “Welcome,” as soon as we walked into the door, before immediately asking for our order. This level of service
CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
is sadly unheard of in most of the gourmet world. The amazing thing about this restaurant is the speed in which our food arrived. No sooner had we put our order in, than our appetizers arrived. We ordered a delectable finger-food they call a “McNugget,” which is lightly breaded and seasoned chicken in bite-sized cuts. We had not even finished these when the main course arrived. Now, as I am watching my figure, I had gotten a simple salad, but I was pleasantly surprised to find pieces of delectable bacon hidden in the ranch dressing. Mr. Snuffles, however, received what I assume is the signature dish: a multi-layered sandwich dubbed the “Big Mac.” When
I smelled that intoxicating bouquet, I just had to ask Mr. Snuffles for a bite. It was heaven. I tasted a double-helping of ground beef, crisp lettuce, American cheese (land of the free!), fresh dill pickles and bulb onions, and a sauce with a taste I could not put my finger on. When I asked the young waiter what the sauce was, he told me it was a secret, which is a wonderful marketing strategy. Not only that, but it came with the most delectable pommes frites I have ever eaten. It was as though my mouth was having an orgasm. Sadly, we had to leave in the middle of dessert. We ordered a scrumptious apple pie, but Mr. Snuffles got it all
over his fur and needed to be taken home and washed right away. Fortunately, we took the pie, as well. When we got the check, we were astounded to find that the entire meal had cost us less than $20 American! They probably lowered the price because of Mr. Snuffles’ accident, but it’s still a great bargain for such amazing food in such an amazing atmosphere. One last note: I have recently caught wind of an aggressive expansion plan, so you may soon find one of these incredible eateries near your location. I surely hope so, for McDonald’s certainly is HighQuality Foodstuffs. Rating: 5 out of 5 esophagi
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Lifestyles
Spice Up Your Sex Life By Casey Gaul
Has your sex life lost that spark? Do you get the feeling that your partner is becoming bored with the same old sexual routine? Are you bored? Give BDSM a try! First thing’s first: Set a safe word. A safe word is any word that you’re unlikely to say during play that signals to your partner that you’re no longer comfortable with the situation. This is essential, because in some roleplaying scenarios, such as rape fantasies and other situations
where you might pretend to resist, saying “no” or “stop” is part of the game. Safety is important. If you and your partner are using any kind of bondage, make sure you have a strong pair of scissors or alternate cutting implement nearby so that no one gets stuck in problematic bindings.
Simple bondage is a good way to start out. Find a good pair of cuffs. Hand cuffs, fuzzy cuffs, leather cuffs, anything will do. I would specifically recommend Japanese Silk Love Rope cuffs that come in the wrist size and ankle size. These cuffs are especially good because they’re comfortable, effective and can easily be removed by the wearer should it become necessary. In early bondage play, you can do anything from spanking to just having your way with your partner. Another staple of BDSM is the clamp. Whether it’s clothespins or high-quality nipple clamps, these accessories can add a lot of fun to your playtime. Remember that they aren’t for everyone, though, and keep an open mind and an open ear. Remember, as in any intimate sexual relationship, communication is key. Always be aware of the needs and concerns of your partner and don’t be afraid to express your own to them.
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April 1, 2010
Photos of what your love life has been lacking courtesy of sodahead.com and the Internet.
Decide whether you’re the slave (submissive) or the master/mistress (dominant). The slave usually does whatever his or her master/mistress commands them to do, from sexually pleasuring their partner to being a whipping post or subject to other forms of pleasure abuse (e.g. hot wax, clothespins, spanking, or even tickling). While experimenting, you can try switching roles with your partner to figure out where you feel most comfortable and most sexually aroused. Couples new to the world of BDSM should generally start small. Find one aspect of the lifestyle that you find exciting and implement it in the bedroom. If that works out well, expand your activities, picking and choosing what you and your partner find enjoyable.
Lifestyles
The Bermuda Triangle Travel Tipz By Lo Ho
home for your stay in this tropical getaway. There are many abandoned cruise ships and passenger planes just floating along the sea and offering you the classiest of accommodations, but what if you are on a budget? Travel from land on a canoe, water dingy or a life raft and you have affordable accommodations for your stay. The Bermuda Triangle also offers many forms of entertainment. Seasoned travelers to the area love the nightlife. Over the past few years, more and more nightclubs have been popping up where you can mingle, drink and dance. For kids, there are a few playgrounds on ships to keep them busy. For elders, there is enough shuffleboard to pass the endless hours you spend in the triangle. For the single males and females, there are also
a few strip clubs and a number of Chip’n Dales locations to relieve your loneliness. The Bermuda Triangle is a great place to stay for a week, but keep in mind, you may not want to leave. Make sure you have a going away party before your departure to this land of mystery, just in case you don’t come back. Just make sure you pack enough socks and underwear, because I guarantee you that you won’t come back. There are new vacationers to the area every day – you will never meet the same person twice. Make sure the Bermuda Triangle is on your list of places to visit before you die. Make it last because, like I’ve said, it could be the last place you will ever see. So, grab a boat or a plane and head down to the Bermuda Triangle. You will have the time of your life.
Square miles and miles of tropical paradise. Courtesy of whoyoucallingaskeptic.wordpress.com.
Have you ever wanted to travel to someplace mysterious and full of wonder? Do you wish to travel to a place where you won’t want to leave? You might want to try the Bermuda Triangle on for size. The Bermuda Triangle stretches out from the Straits of Florida, the islands of Bermuda and Puerto Rico, forming a triangle that stretches for miles. You wouldn’t have to worry about sharing your space or whiny little children. It’s a great location no matter the time of year. It’s always warm and sunny and you may just want to stay forever. Most vacationers are known to love the locality so much, they now call it home. A matter of fact, the first visitors arrived on Dec. 5, 1945 and still sip on the finest cocktails and soak up the sun. There is plenty of space for you to call
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Lifestyles
How to Raise Your Xenomorph By Weyland Yutani
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using an animal will change the physical appearance of the adult slightly, though not too substantially. There are two more important things to remember at this stage. The first is to make sure you are never too close to the egg before it hatches, or the hatchling may confuse you for a host. Secondly, you must make sure you can immobilize and contain your actual host, and have a foolproof way of disposing of them (and the hatchling) after they’ve served their purpose. Step 3: Care and feeding: Once the larva (a.k.a. “chestburster”) emerges, you’ll have less than 24 hours until it is fully grown, but while it is still small, it will need to be contained so that it does not run off and get itself hurt. During this phase, as well as when it becomes fully-grown, it will need food. Now, how Xenomorphs actually get their nutrients is still debated between even the most premier breeders, but all agree that they love to hunt live prey. The larva will adore hunting rodents, though as it ages it will need larger prey to stalk. A good idea would be to invest in a cattle farm. Once it has reached its adult size, it will need to be kept in its enclosure overnight. Xenomorphs love to play, but their play can be fairly rough and you do not want anything unfortunate happening while you’re asleep. Xenomorphs can breathe anywhere, so they don’t care how much fresh air you give them. In fact, they love dark hiding places, so a secure basement is a good choice (this is also the ideal option to keep a host in Step 2). Xenomorphs are very durable animals. However, if your Xenomorph should injure itself, it is best not to get too close. Not only is Xenomorph blood dangerously on the low end on the pH scale, but injured
CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
Courtesy of geeky-gadgets.com
So you have decided to acquire a Xenomorph to be your companion and guardian. Xenomorphs, however, require a lot of love and care. This guide will help you raise your new friend in a way that ensures years of happiness. Though you surely have considered this in making your decision, it is important to stress once again that this will be a very expensive endeavor. It is best to have a large income, and a small fortune saved, before starting on the path to obtain your new pet. Step 1: Acquiring the eggs: The best way to find your Xenomorph is to hatch it yourself. But before you take this step, you must prepare your home for the new arrival. The ideal place to raise a Xenomorph is in a large space. Open, but private, and easy to clean. Also, make sure there is a large enough enclosure for your adult Xenomorph to sleep, as they can be quite temperamental. But more on that later. Xenomorph eggs are difficult to come by. Many pet stores refuse to sell them, as they are a Class 10 restricted item in most countries. Also, it is not highly recommended to raid a wild hive, as queens are very protective of their young. Your best bet is an independent dealer. You can find them on craigslist.org, though you will have to sift through the code words. Step 2: Finding hosts: Once you have your egg, you will need to find a host for it. Now, you may be tempted to create an “enemies list” for this occasion, but it is better to find people whose disappearances will not be noticed. The homeless, drifters and fugitives in hiding are good places to start. You can also use animals, but the hatchling (a.k.a. “Facehugger”) will be unable to latch onto anything smaller than a rottweiler. Also note that
Arts & Entertainment
Justin Beiber’s “My World 2.0” Rob’s Worst Album
This offensive image of Justin Bieber’s travesty of a musical album courtesy of Island Records.
By Rob Duguay
Xenomorphs can also get surly and may attack. As they can also use their acidic saliva and long, sharp tail for defense; you should give them a wide berth. They are very resilient and can heal themselves well enough, so you should never have to worry about paying a vet. Step 4: What to do if you have a queen: Unfortunately, it is impossible to tell whether you will get a normal Xenomorph or a queen until its larva has emerged. However, once this has happened, and if the larva has a slightly flatter head than you expect, you have a queen on your hands. You have two options at this point. You can either sell your queen larva to a breeder for a new egg, or raise it and become a breeder yourself. If you choose this second option, you will need to buy a property with a lot more room. Queens can grow as tall as an elephant, and much longer from head to tail. In addition, they will continuously lay large clutches of eggs with no need to mate, and nesting queens have a bad temper. To harvest the eggs, wait until the queen is asleep, and then take the eggs a few at a time, so that she will not notice too many are missing at once. Again, do not get too close to the eggs while moving them. Once you have separated them, put them in a room with dry ice to keep them preserved until you can sell them. Make sure that you advertise in code, so as to not tip off the authorities. One last note. On rare occasions, a normal Xenomorph will convert live prey into an egg in a queenless environment. If this happens, follow the steps above. Now you know enough to care for your new companion. If you survive, you will be ensured many years of fun and company.
CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
Are you fucking kidding me? Just what the world needs, another snot-nosed kid that looks like Hilary Swank in “Boys Don’t Cry” to make girls that don’t even know what else to do with themselves go absolutely crazy. For anyone that cares, which I really don’t know who should, this piece of crap is the second installment of a two-part debut studio album and it’s bad enough to even make the plastic skeleton of Michael Jackson explode into smithereens. For the sake of the ever-so-famous rule of the number of words you need to have in an article for The Canchor, I will use the rest of the allowed space to continually trash this album. The lyrics to the chorus in “Baby” are so terrible that I’m willing to bet anyone on the Rhode Island College campus that a student at Henry Barnard School can write a better song. “Never Let You Go” makes me want to never let go of my stop button in fear that my eardrums will explode because of the trash that is flowing through my speakers. If it doesn’t get any worse, he has a single out with Sean Kingston; you know, that kid who had the most annoying song of 2007, “Beautiful Girls,” called “Eeenie Meenie,” which has the enlightening lyrics “Shawty is a eenie meenie miny moe lova” and the Shakespearean “Eeenie meenie miny moe / Catch a bad chick by her toe.” Yeah, I’d actually prefer playing that game with my toes than listen to this dance-pop, depraving, god-forsaken piece of music filth. Why should you even care about this album? Why are you even reading this article? Don’t you have better things to do? Justin Bieber is probably going on tour, but nobody really cares, nobody will show up, and the kid is
a flash in the pan within two years. Just wait and this Bieber kid, the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Jesse McCartney and all of these other talentless pop brats will have a crapolareality TV-3D film extravaganza that’ll have third grade kids go mindless. I really don’t know what else to say other than if you actually have a decent taste in music and some self-respect, please do not buy Justin Bieber’s “My World 2.0,” as if a second volume was absolutely necessary. Don’t go to your local record store and buy this record, and if you have a brain you shouldn’t even bother downloading it from the Internet. Whatever happened to good ol’ Rock and Roll? Elvis, Johnny Cash are Buddy Holly are sitting up in heaven wondering what the fuck is going on in a world where no rock and roll is really on the airwaves anymore. Listen to Sabbath, Zeppelin – even some White Stripes and other new stuff that’s actually good and rocks your socks off. I can’t stress it enough, please under any circumstances don’t listen to Justin Bieber. It’ll rot your brain, your mind and eventually your life.
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Arts & Entertainment
RIC Mainstage Musical Changes Yet Again By Balls “Balls” McCoy
Students in the RIC Department of Music, Theater, Children Are Asleep,” “Blow High, Blow Low,” “The Highest and Dance are in a tizzy again as director Bill Wilson an- Judge of All” and “This Was a Real Nice Clambake.” nounced yet another change of show for this year’s spring Tickets will be available from the Nazarian Center Box Ofmusical. Originally, the department was slated to perform fice as soon as they are re-printed. the 1975 vaudeville-style hit “Chicago” (which was revived on Broadway in 1996 and is still running), only to discover after casting that they had been denied the performance rights. Wilson quickly chose and recast the show to another from the 1970s, Stephen Schwartz’s (of “Wicked” fame) 1972 pop show “Pippin.” After recasting the actors for “Pippin,” Wilson was informed by the licensing company that their request for “Pippin” had also been denied, so he has decided to abandon the 1970s and choose a more classic musical, settling with Roger and Hammerstein’s classic show, “Carousel.” “I guess the ’70s are cursed,” said Wilson. “If we can’t do a moth-ridden show like this, I don’t know what else to pick.” Show choreographer Angelica “Gel” Vessella totes some slight disappointment in this new choice. “I really missed doing Bob Fosse-style choreography in the last two shows we staged, so I was really excited to do “Chicago” or “Pippin,” she said. “I’m not going to let it get me too down. I don’t care what anyone says – this production of “Carousel” is going to have feathered fans in every number!” The show features classic songs such as “You’re a Queer One, Julie Jordan,” “June Is Bustin’ Out All Over,” “When the
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April 1, 2010
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Arts & Entertainment
America the Beautiful By Chet Argobast
Do you love film? Do you like not spending a lot of money? Does in-theater gunfire enrich your film-going experience? How about floors sticky with the unsavory fluids of a fellow patron? If you said yes to any of the previous statements then have we got the place for you! At Patriot Cinemas, located on Newport Ave. along the East Providence/Pawtucket line, you won’t be judged for your physical health, economic stability or mental sanity. Not because their staff is overly kind, but because you’re amongst peers. With a daily ticket price of $2, and a special dollar deal on Tuesdays, Patriot attracts groves of hardly homeless, delinquent drop outs, and the bored elderly who happened to find some quarters in their retirement fund. “I paid for a ticket in pennies once,” said Bill, a frequent male patron. “It’s a different type of date…that you take to Patriot; usually one with really low standards who’s already slept with you.” But who couldn’t enjoy a $4 date with times this tough? Roman Polanski, that’s who! Too many witnesses…
You can hurry now to catch such blockbusters as “Tooth Fairy,” “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” or “The Princess and the Frog,” Disney’s “Colored Francie” of the Barbie doll franchise (yes, that’s the original African-American Barbie doll’s name. Funny but true, funny but true?). Other films of worthy mention include “The Wolfman,” “When in Rome,” “Precious,” “The Blind Side” and “The Hurt Locker.” “It’s like renting a date movie, but it’s at a movie theater,” said Mike, a movie goer exiting the cinema alone. Carrying a plastic milk quart in the pocket of his camouflage jacket, I asked Mike if he had purchased the milk inside the theater. He answered, “Milk bottle doesn’t make it milk.” Mike stumbled into the mid-afternoon sun, probably off to make love to something plastic. For the children’s sake we can only hope. Whether you’re looking for the film you missed, a cheap two-hour good time, or a non-sexual way to get syphilis, head to Patriot Cinemas where they’ll serve it low price and with a smile all day.
Rock Hunt and OSFS Festival Headline April Entertainment By Justin Wilder
T H E B RYA N T G R A D U AT E P R O G R A M S The Bryant University Graduate School of Business prepares students for success in their chosen professions. As a graduate, you will join an impressive alumni community that includes industry leaders across the country and around the world. THE BRYANT MBA ONE-YEAR PROGRAM Full-time, day program for all majors • No professional experience necessary • Distinguish yourself in a competitive job market • Gain hands-on experience with the Business Practicum
THE BRYANT MBA TWO-YEAR PROGRAM Part-time, evening program for professionals from any field • Develop high-level business skills for long-term career success • Enter and progress through the program with a supportive team • Build your network while enhancing your resume
THE BRYANT MASTER OF PROFESSIONAL ACCOUNTANCY (MPAC) Full-time, day program for accounting majors • Meets the 150 hour requirement for CPA licensure • Complete in Summer/Fall, Summer/Summer, Fall/Spring or Spring/Summer • More than 40 top global, national and regional accounting firms recruit at Bryant
THE BRYANT MASTER OF SCIENCE IN TAXATION (MST) Part-time, evening program for tax professionals • Build an expertise in all areas of taxation • Network with tax executives and industry professionals • Flexible scheduling options
LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT BRYANT UNIVERSITY GRADUATE SCHOOL HAS TO OFFER www.bryant.edu/gradschool • 401-232-6230
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Graduate School of Business 1150 Douglas Pike Smithfield, Rhode Island
Rhode Island College’s student body has entertainment under control with two annual upcoming events. Check out the WXIN Rock Hunt and the Ocean State Film Festival, because our peers have worked hard to bring us local music and film on the cheap. Tuesday, April 6 kicks off the first round of this year’s Rock Hunt. Formal Action, Gamblin’ Hands, Indiana Handshake and This Time Around will rock out from 8-11 p.m. at Firehouse XIII, located at 41 Central St. in Providence. Only three bucks with a RIC ID, but $5 without. Where else can you listen to unheard local sounds from a slew of different genres? Listen to 90.7 WXIN or check out www.ricradio.org for more information on this year’s Rock Hunt. If the show and listening online just isn’t enough, then head to the Ruffstone Tavern
and hang out with the bands in this year’s hunt on Thursday, April 1 at 17 Metcalf Ave, North Providence. Next Thursday, April 15 brings the forth the annual Ocean State Film Festival, put together by The Ocean State Film Society. Starting at 7 p.m. in the Helen Forman Theater, this panel-judged and audience-voted event is free to the public. Since the clubs started, their festival has grown in popularity each year, says Tara Maharjan, president of the OSFS. “It is a wonderful event that showcases the creativity of RIC students through the medium of film,” she said. Last year’s festival had 10 student submissions as well as a previous year’s film screened. CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
Arts & Entertainment
Why Attack the Gas Station? Just Because!
“Attack the Gas Station” screenshot courtesy of Fun and Happiness Productions.
By Dan Rohelia
There is definitely something to be said about slapstick comedy. It’s a genre that indulges in our most innate cravings for senseless violence, as well as our taste for good humor. Perhaps slapstick combines these two virtues into something we just can’t help but keep coming back to: the thrill of just seeing people knock each other around for the bloody sake of it. And, whether you want to admit it or not, there is no denying that these kinds of movies are just plain fun to watch. And why wouldn’t it be? Especially if it’s Kim Sang-Jin’s Korean hit “Attack the Gas Station.” If there’s anything better than watching a bunch of characters beat each other up, it’s watching characters beat each other up in a foreign language. The movie itself even sets up its premise of seemingly pointless violence early on, directly presenting the viewers with a question: “Why do they attack the gas station?” Giving the audience a minute to ponder this little mystery and wonder what it means, they are given some clues. Four young rogues, who reject any ideals of law and order, decide to assault a gas station in what can only be described as the most hilarious five minutes of property destruction to ever exist in a foreign film. With no motive other than to have fun and harass the workers, the boys destroy
CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
anything that stands, break anything that glows, and completely disregard any sense of mercy and morality. It is then that the viewers are given the answer to their question: “Just because!” As swift and chaotic as the first raid on the gas station proves to be, the antiheroes decide to assault the same location a second time; however, this time their thirst for action is not as easily satisfied. They choose to stick around for a while and “get to know” the workers…by taking them hostage, of course. Throughout the course of the night, the characters begin to flesh out in their respective roles in the posse. No Mark takes the lead as the quiet, collected chief of the four, usually deciding how to move forward and keep the group entertained. Mad Dog acts as the troupe’s brute strength and enforcer, wielding a heavy stick to assert his authority over the hostages. Paint is the maverick artist, who defaces slogan posters and recreates images for fun. And, perhaps the most unusual of the bunch, Rockstar delivers an oafish charm with his irrational and ill-informed outlook on life and how things tick. There are a number of supporting characters, including the gas station attendants and their extremely unlucky manager, the latter who receives the blunt-end of the proverbial trauma stick. School bullies
and innocent bystanders constantly get thrown into the mix, usually taken as hostages or just never heard from again. The entire movie becomes a collective of disorder, hilarious beatings and revelations as the group grows by the minute. Regardless of social status or authority, everyone is treated on the same level by the four main leads: just another meat puppet to pummel around for fun. In fact, the disregard for authority and order is subliminally frequent. The plot also pokes fun at some of the more poorly developed aspects of Korean life, such as the corruption of local law enforcement and social status in high schools. Throughout the entirety of it all, it’s hard not to love the collaborative beatings and ridiculous mayhem that ensues. It’s the kind of violence and comedy where everyone is seen as an equal. I recommend this movie to just about anyone for its random humor and its accessibility towards any audience. You don’t have to understand much about Korean culture to enjoy this movie like I did. In fact, this movie will especially appeal to those who love a little bit of anarchy mixed in with their lives. “Attack the Gas Station” is a fun attempt at some great gag laughs and subliminal political messages. And why is it fun? Just because!
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Arts & Entertainment
The Bluffers Rental Raves
Square miles and miles of tropical paradise. Courtesy of
By Adam D. Bram
Last time I did a Canchor Rental Raves, I made up a George W. Bush biopic. What did Oliver Stone do later that year? Make a George W. Bush biopic. To stop that from happening this year, I’ve decided to actually do a real review. However, being April Fools, I won’t review a film, but rather a television show called “The Bluffers.” I swear this is a real show. This was an obscure cartoon produced in the Netherlands in 1986. It only ran for one season, but was translated into several languages, including English (whose dub has surprisingly good lip synch), and enjoyed a decent syndication and VHS life until the early 1990s. Unfortunately, a voice cast list is nonexistent at the moment for any language. The overall plot centers on the country of Bluffonia, which has been taken over by a greedy and secretive dictator named Clandestino. Clandestino has turned the once-lush countryside into a desolate wasteland. In the one small surviving patch of forest live our heroes the Bluffers, a group of woodland critters who think they can restore their home by stealing Clandestino’s most guarded and prized treasure, the so-called “Secret of Getting It All.” Each episode, they try, and each episode, they fail. Of The Bluffers themselves, the stories usually center around five characters. Zock (short for Zocrates) is a wise owl who is the de-facto leader, despite not going out in the field much. Then there’s Zipper, a blue squirrel who fits the heroic stereotype, Honey Boy, an extremely dense bear who is usually surrounded by a scattering of bees the way flies tend to congregate around a smelly person, Sharpey, a sarcastic fox who fits the jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold stereotype, and Blossom, a pink mouse with a heart on the tip of her tail, whose only purpose near as CANCHOR
April 1, 2010
I can figure is to flirt unsuccessfully with Zip and have a doubleX chromosome. Other characters that get minor roles on an episodic basis include the shy psychic snake Psycho, the axe-crazy porcupine Prickly-Pine, the Asian goose Ginsing, the militaristic buzzard Regal Eagle and two rabbits who are in the opening credits but never seem to appear except to fill space in crowd scenes. Honestly, this is a real show. This exists. I didn’t make this up. I’ve only been able to watch three episodes out of the 13 produced. The first two I watched all the time as a kid, but haven’t been able to see since then. The third is the Halloween episode and is the only full English episode currently watchable on YouTube. The plot of that one revolves around the Bluffers using trick-or-treating in an attempt to scare Clandestino into giving up the Secret. Sharpey accidentally steals what he thinks is the Secret but what is really a malfunctioning device Clandestino created to taunt our heroes. While he still thinks it’s the real deal, however, Sharpey acts like a total jerk and tries to horde it for himself. Then it breaks and a lesson is learned. The other two episodes revolved around Clandestino trying to stop time so that it’s always Feb. 29, his birthday, and Clandestino building a museum of his “greatness” in fear that he’s never proven he’s done anything substantial. The episodes are about a half hour in
length, and each contains two mercifully short musical numbers, which range in quality from meh to god awful. The most memorable from the episodes I’ve seen is from the “Museum” episode where Sillycone, Clandestino’s cheerful British robot butler, does a pseudo-rap about how secure the Secret on display is. The mediocrity of the in-story songs is matched by the pure unfiltered awesome that is the main title theme, which had the show been more successful would be remembered as one of the greatest earworms in children’s television, second only to “DuckTales.” It suffered by shoehorning simple child-targeted humor and morality lessons into a very deep, more adult plot and setting. As such, it’s not a great show by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s enjoyable to strange kids and people who saw it as a strange kid. If I were to find it on DVD, I’d watch it with my future children and probably enjoy it more than they would. I have to state again, for the record, that this is not a joke. This show is real. This show exists. If any readers out there remember it, even if you thought it was just a fever dream you had as a kid, I’d love to hear from you. Rating depends on the episode.
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Anchor Editor-in-Chief Takes the Plunge in Costa Rica By Casey Gaul
Anchor Editor-in-Chief Kameron Spaulding is currently in Costa Rica shooting recreational and promotional kayaking and white water rafting videos. Ríos Tropicales, the “largest white water rafting and sea kayaking outfitter in Latin America,” is the company behind the three-day trip. The majority of the filming will be done on rivers like El Chorro River and Pacuare River. Spaulding, a seasoned rafter and kayaker who spends his summers as a white-water rafting guide on the Hudson, Moose and Sacandega rivers in upstate New York, described the Pacuare River as “the biggest commercially rafted river in this hemisphere.” It was on that river that a sudden and staggering event occurred. Spaulding got down on one knee and asked the woman who had been his girlfriend for four years, Anna Shippee, to be his wife. And, due to either an overwhelming amount of love or a complete lack of good judgment, she accepted him. “I’m excited for Kam and Anna. Any girl that can match or
out drink Kam is a keeper. Also, on Kam’s side of this, he can finally stop visiting Lilly’s every week for his ‘special time,’” said long-time friend Bob Kazarian. “I’m wicked happy for Kam and Anna. Can you say BEST. WEDDING. EVER? I’m also excited about the potential wedding happy hour with Dr. Matsumoto,” said Kameron’s future Best Man Joe Robillard. Kam’s friend and Canchor Sports Editor Andrew Augustus seemed less enthused about the engagement. “It was so sudden and tragic. He was my mentor, my best friend. He was everything I aspired to be. And now that he’s gone, I can only seem lost in this world with no direction,” mourned Augustus. “Kam, this Bud’s for you.” “Anyone who know Kam and Anna know that they are perfect for each other,” said co-worker and friend Katie Carroll. “I really hope it works out, too because I already bought a gorgeous dress for the wedding!” “Kam and Anna, I wish you two the best,” said Kazarian. “And Anna, make sure he is not wearing sandals at the altar.”
Pacuare, the largest commercially rafted river in the hemisphere. Courtesy of the Internet.
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April 1, 2010
Sports
RIC Now Home of Midget Tossing Champion
Levi Garrett demonstrates his award-winning midget-propelling technique. Courtesy of Casey Gaul.
By Andrew Augustus
The entry fee was $20 a throw. All went to charity to the local homeless shelter.
Rhode Island College is a public institution where students come to continue their education to get a career started. Normally, very few high-profile citizens come to this school. The student I am about to introduce entered RIC as a normal citizen – just another student trying to further his education and start a career to have a happy and successful life. Then, RIC junior Levi Garrett received a letter from the United States government saying that he had received enough votes to be an official candidate for President of the United States of America. However, he could not win due to his age and not living in the same county for more than six years. Not being a champion, he tried to pursue another dream: throwing a human a far distance. This is his story about how he became the champion at midget tossing and ranked third in all time.
What was your initial reaction upon entering the venue? There were a ton of hot girls. It was a shitty looking titty bar but there were a lot of nice girls there. Then I saw the midget who was dressed as a leprechaun and was dancing, not only dancing, but dancing to 50 Cent’s “In da Club.” How did your throws go? I had one throw. Before the throw I told the midget that this was my lifelong dream and I wanted to throw him as far as I could. He then told me to throw low and finish high and he will travel the furthest. I took his advice, that little fucker went 9 feet and 1 inch. When did you find out you were the number one in the country? I knew already because the U.S. record was around 8 feet. As soon as I threw him past 9 feet I knew I had it and I was launched into greatness.
What sparked your interest in midget tossing? When I saw my first midget at the age of four, and I was eye to eye with a grown man, I was intrigued. How did you hear about midget tossing? One day, Me, Nate Grist and Everton Carter were bored and all of us decided to go to midget tossing in it. The tossthe titty bar. In this titty bar ing was in Milford, Conn., and there was a magazine that had at that time we all looked at CANCHOR
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each other and said “roadtrip.” How much was the entry fee?
What are your future plans in this sport? To go over to Scotland and actually compete in the world championships. Locally, I am going to defend my title against all challengers for I am the King of Kings of Midget tossing. 29
Sports
NFL Transforms Into NFFL By Mike Dikda
The NFL has become a league filled with thugs and violence, Roger Goodell announced on March 26. In order to change the image, Goodell has decided to take away the pads and the tackles all together and replace them with flags and two-hand touch. “I feel this can bring back the image I want the National Football League to have. I don’t want to run a league full of steroids, guns, violence, woman beating and anything negative. One way we can keep all the players calm is by taking any form of aggression out of the game so they do not feel the need to be thugs off the field,” said Goodell at a press conference. Goodell started changes way back when he started to ban celebrations in the
end zones after a team scored. He began to get the NFL away from the National Football League mantra and more towards the concept of No Fun League. This change, at first, came as a surprise to many of the owners; however there is one owner who is affected greatly by the change. Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis was the most angered and frustrated of all of the owners once the news spread. “Who the hell am I know supposed to draft now. All I know are thugs and questionable characters. I feel Goodell is just trying to screw over my team and I won’t stand for this,” said Davis. Hall of Fame coach and broadcaster John Madden didn’t seem too phased by the new changes. He actually seemed very
happy and excited for the new season to start. “With this change Brett Farve can play forever. I always thought Farve was unstoppable but now since he can’t get tackled, his chances of getting hurt have severely decreased. I can now feel confident in saying that my lifelong dream of dying while watching Brett Farve playing in a game in the National Football League can actually happen. I love you, Brett.” So far, no one has dropped their sponsorships with the NFFL as of now. Most are intrigued to see if a league like this can sustain and live. Only time will tell, as the opening throw is supposed to be in September at Gillette Stadium where the Patriots will be facing the Colts.
Flag football will soon be a national sport with sponsors and tantrums and shit. Courtesy of cnu.edu.
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Sports
March Madness Snips
A doctor, likely reviewing the status of your testicles. Courtesy of blog.usa.gov/roller/govgab.
By Dr. Bell Snippets
As college basketball players were preparing their balls for the start of March Madness, many other men were preparing to have their own fixed. This March Madness has seen a continuation of a growing trend among men to get a vasectomy to coincide with the tournament. The reason? Recovery for the minor procedure requires the patient to remain comfortably off his feet for approximately 48 to 72 hours – the perfect length of time for a serious basketball fan to peacefully enjoy the opening days of the college tournament on the couch, armed with a beer and a frozen bag of peas. It’s the ultimate excuse for getting off work and ignoring the “honey-do” list. That’s not to say that March Madness is the only reason men get vasectomies, even at this time of year. “I don’t know if these were the guys who were on the fence and this pushed them over the edge, or if these are guys who would be doing it anyways,” said Dr. Bruce Neal, an urologist at the Oregon Urology Institute. The surgery, while reversible, is a serious decision not to be made lightly. The price tag alone can be as high as $1,000 without insurance. Still, the practice has existed for years, and it has grown increasingly more common as word spreads and popularity increases. It’s a trend that doctors have cleverly begun to capitalize on over the past few years, marketing the surgery in the weeks leading into March by offering discounts on the procedure and giving patients bags stuffed with coupons for pizza and bags of frozen veggies. “Let our Boys Take Care of Your Boys,” reads a promotion used by a Green Bay, Wis. doctor. The Oregon Urology Institute advertised prime CANCHOR
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surgery slots during the first days of the tournament, dubbing the marketing campaign “Snip City 2010.” Such prescribed pushes appear to be having an effect. This year, many doctors reported having twice as many vasectomy appointments at the beginning of March than at any other time over the past year. “This was supposed to be a little low-budget kind of local thing,” Oregon Urology Institute administrator Terry FitzPatrick told NPR’s Scott Simon in an interview. “The thing has just blown up on us.”
A vasectomy is a minor surgical procedure in which the man’s sperm ducts are cut and tied, preventing sperm from being released with ejaculation.
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