4-1-13 The Canchor

Students walk away with ďŹ nes Student reacts to arming campus PD Students start YOLO club Students mourn death of Nic Cage Student Quidditch team rolls

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LIFESTYLES

New Art Curriculum

Student Fines Increase

Robot on Campus?

RIC Admin Pantsless

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New art curriculum for fall 2013 Danielle Lafond • Assistant News

The Art Department at RIC will introduce 4 new classes to the fall curriculum and has announced them just in time for Fall Semester registration: The Art of Drywall Hanging, Plumbing: Pipes as a Medium, Rewiring a Building: 1900 – Present Day and The Alex and Ani Method: Buying and Naming Things. The new offerings are mandatory for all students who will be in the program during the fall semester of 2013.

Department head William Martin explained the impetus for the additions.

“We wanted to add some classes that really embody the spirit of a RIC education in art,” Martin said. “As such, we’re introducing these new classes so that RIC graduates really have the mark of their time spent here indelibly printed on their transcripts.”

As to the reasoning behind the specific course selection, Martin gestured in the general direction of the new Art Center building under construction.

“We took inspiration from our surroundings,” he said, “and tried to introduce courses that would help students with their art in the real world.”

A member of the art department staff who wishes to remain anonymous added that the idea of free labor was also intriguing.

“I mean, we have all this ‘studio’ space for ‘handson learning’ now!” he said enthusiastically. “All of these classes will benefit RIC students and the RIC community as a whole.”

Martin, however, seemed hazy on the details of how the classes would be taught. “I mean, there are all these construction guys. I’m sure one of them would like to make a couple hundred extra bucks as an adjunct professor, right?”

Students seem less enthusiastic about the idea. Jen Feeney, a senior and painting major, doesn’t see the relevance.

“I’m glad I’m getting out of here in May,” Feeney said. “I can’t imagine how people are going to deal with all that raw sewage in Plumbing: Pipes as a Medium.”

The college is not deaf to the students’ concerns. President Carriuolo, a supporter of the new curriculum, hired a consultant from Alex and Ani, LLC to allay fears of incoming students.

“We just want you to get a good education,” the unnamed consultant said, “and to get that shiny new building we paid for!”

She quickly corrected herself, saying, “Well, the building we helped pay for. But our name’s on it, so…”

Her statement trailed off as another student fainted at seeing the curriculum she handed to him.

“Oh, that’s been happening all day,” she said, gingerly stepping over his body to hand another student the curriculum description.

Martin looked on in a hard hat (which he had covered in colorful drawings) worn at a jaunty angle upon his head.

“We’re wearing them to raise morale!” he said, cheerily. “With all this falling debris and the kinds of rewiring work they’ll be doing, you can’t be too safe,” he said. “Neither can the school,” he added as he handed out the liability waiver that must be signed and returned before students have their registration holds lifted.

The new curriculum will continue indefinitely.

“Could take a month, could take a year,” Martin said. “Depends on how many students want to keep that 4.0!”

the NEWS ®

100˚C

Sunny with a chance of hail

LIFESTYLES

New Art Curriculum

Student Fines Increase

Robot on Campus?

RIC Admin Pantsless

.

OPINIONS

.

America's Raddest Section Ever

.

A&E

.

SPORTS

Students fined for walking aimlessly Nico Montanari • Anchor Staff

The Rhode Island College Campus Police have now been authorized to ticket students who cross the streets on campus in an unsafe, unconcerned or generally obnoxious manner.

President Carriuolo’s cabinet unanimously passed a new rule that will be listed online and will be in the next printed version of Rhode Island College’s Student Handbook. Numerous reports have reached the cabinet’s ears from not only the student and parent body, but the campus police force as well. These reports brought to light a concern that the Cabinet aimed to rectify: unsafe pedestrian traffic.

RIC commuters know the amount of students that will walk out in front of your car unconcerned for their own safety is staggering.

“I hit at least two students a week,” said Professor Dick Wiener, “they just schlep across the road drunk and high out of their minds.”

This has resulted in numerous accidents, injured students and several fatalities, not to mention lots of paperwork. In line with their continued mission to provide a safe and efficient work environment for the students, the cabinet voted in favor of a new bill that will allow campus police to fine students who act in a careless or negligent manner.

“It’s about time. Rhode Island drivers are some of the best in the world and it’s time we stop placing the blame solely on the driver. Hopefully this will save lives and more importantly paperwork,” Senior Security Officer and “RIC Car Csar” Saruman White explained.

The fines are $500 to $1000 and will be up to the officer’s judgment in regards to the level of the offence.

Through the new initiative, Campus Police, as well as the President’s Cabinet expect a much safer campus environment, and commented in their press release “We may not be able to get students to pay attention in class, but maybe we can make them not get hit by a bus.”

Student leader revealed as computer Verquonica Jones • Anchor Staff

This week a federal government researcher revealed, anonymously, that J.C. Lamantia, the managing editor of The Anchor Newspaper, is a highly advanced experiment in computer sentience. The revelation comes two weeks after Mr. Lamantia disappeared from what was ostensibly his home in East Greenwich. The researcher explained further, “J.C., code named Computron-24, is a computer integrated into a human-like container. The computer was initially developed at a cost of 5 billion dollars in the mid-1980s as a reconnaissance device to be used in the Cold War. By the time the computer was complete, the Soviet Union had collapsed. Not wanting to waste an opportunity, software was reconfigured. The result was a computer capable of developing as a human would. It was a matter of updating software. This typically occurred at night while the computer’s batteries were charged. As for the “body,” it was regularly augmented to match typical human development.”

When asked about J.C.’s absence, the researcher explained, “Computron-24 is attending law school next year and will need to perform many more tasks at once than it does now, so we decided it was best to upgrade its RAM. Plus, from our observations, the device was lacking several key social skills including: the ability to relax and sensitivity to the fact that many will not understand its often philosophically-based humor. We can make him better!”

Upon hearing the truth about J.C., many of his friends and associates at THE Anchor were not surprised. “All the signs were there, only a computer would think it was okay to message me at three in the morning to discuss business,” said Samantha Mandeville, the paper’s art director.

Editor-in-Chief Jim Brady expressed similar sentiments. “I kind of thought something like that was going on; several months back I walked into the office we share and thought I saw him unplugging a USB cable from his chest. Glad to hear he’s being updated.”

J.C.’s updates are expected to be completed by April 15th.

A Nerf-wracking proposal (10|1258) submitted by Jesse_Posl_Rhinehart

Last week the administration took the first steps towards implementing its new campus security policy that will involve arming the officers who diligently patrol our campus. Not wanting to make a hasty transition, the administration will initially provide campus police with Nerf weapons—though this may seem absurd, such an innocuous trial run should serve as an adequate demonstration of the security benefits guns provide. The weapons themselves are heavy-duty versions of the Nerf N-Strike series, which is renowned both for its range and its ability to fire two darts simultaneously. Another advantage is that the weight of one gun only amounts to a little under two pounds. If there remains any doubt, it should be remembered that Israeli Special Forces used these same Nerf weapons. For those of you who don’t know, the Israeli’s have the best security in the world; at least we will be able to rest safely, knowing our officers will have the newest and most up to date faux weapons at their disposal.

Before giving my own opinion on the value of this transitional period, I wanted to ask one of the officers how they thought the ability to carry weapons would aid their campus security mission. My personal friend, Officer U.B. Hayve, said that he was personally very excited to begin the “Nerf Trials.” Not only did he think that officers armed in this manner would have a greater capacity to fulfill their duties, he also noted that most of them had not had the opportunity to play with Nerf guns growing up, so most of them were extremely excited: “I mean have you seen these things? They’re hardly even toys!”

The “Nerf Trials” will be kicked off by a training weekend taking place in the recreation center. The officers will get to camp out in the field house, providing ample room to test their new arsenal, while also providing an intimate setting in which to increase camaraderie throughout the squad. A stay at an actual campground was briefly discussed, but it quickly became apparent that ammunition would be lost at an unacceptable rate. Throughout this weekend, I was told the officers will be encouraged to literally never take the guns out of their hands; they will be used for every possible instance, whether it be simply getting someone’s attention, or bringing down that pesky bird which every so often sneaks its way into the field house.

On the whole, I think this is a step in the right direction. People neglect campus police with impunity: smoking weed in the parking lot, spray painting, breaking every known rule in the book—it’s about time someone gave them the means to exercising a little authority. Maybe taking a Nerf dart to the eye, or getting unloaded upon spontaneously, would make people stop and consider what could have happened if the bullets were real. This seemingly farcical idea has the potential, I believe, to make a potent statement to the students without actually putting them in harms way. If there is a better solution for increasing security and the respect of our officers, I’d love to hear it; until then, beware of flying darts!

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Rebirth of Rothko (27|1002) submitted by Nathan_Gazebian

The American painter Mark Rothko is a man who, after developing himself in the style of various artistic movements with little success, finally came into his own late in life with a minimalist vision of expression that has garnered him lasting praise.

This belated period of creativity produced the images of intense sparsity associated with his name today – the massive blocks of color that express so much despite their abstractness. And it was with a catch in my throat (I was in a coffee shop at the time, so I couldn’t allow myself much more than that for fear of drawing attention to myself, but had anyone looked at my face they would have seen great tears banging at the gates of my self control) that I discovered my beloved Rothko had seemingly overnight garnered the overwhelming support of Facebook users – who have now taken to replacing their profile pictures with a pair of pink Rothkoian bars over an equally Rothkoian red background. The message was brilliantly clear, but the reason still eludes me.

Why now? Seeing as he died in February (the 25th, 1970, to be exact) this public display of possible Rothko appreciation is a month late! And, seeing as I’m a well known figure in Rothko circles (I don’t mean to brag when I say that I’ve written extensively on the ideas found within the art of Mark Rothko but my books include Rothko’s Nietzsche: An Epistemological Study of Influence (Iowa University Press), Mark Rothko: Mythic Anti-Capitalist Landscapes (Verso), and Eros and Thanatos: An Intimate Post-Freudian Examination of the Value Structures of Mark Rothko’s Sex Life (Self-published), I find it highly unlikely that such an apparently organized campaign to support his artistic legacy would be done without one of my colleagues first contacting me.

My Google searches into this matter have, alas, not turned up any clues (“rothko revival,” “rothko appreciation 2013,” “rothko revival intimate post-Freudian sex life amazon” were all dead ends) – and my attempts to corner (so to speak) members of the Facebook community on my “friends list” about the origins of this apparent Rothko revival have been fruitless (though it has been my experience that Facebook is clearly not a place where much communication with other people goes on, much to it’s misleading reputation – a mystery I will be exploring in my next book, tentatively titled Effacebook: A Personal Deconstruction of the Modern Myth of Human Interaction in the Digital Age).

And so I am left looking at the elusive Rothko symbol on my computer screen and, for the first time in my life, not “getting” it. Where did it come from? What was the intention? I don’t know what this sudden revolution in public opinion means, and am ultimately left questioning my own position as a Rothko scholar. If anyone reading this can explain this sudden phenomenon to me it would be greatly appreciated.

He really rose to the occassion (3000|59) submitted by The_Anchor

Staff member of the week: Jesus Of all the weeks to be named staff member of the week, this truly has been Jesus’ week. Given Passover, Good Friday, Easter and the PBA Tournament of Champions, Jesus certainly had his hands full in juggling a busy week. But he was still able to manage the additional hard work it takes to get through creating The Canchor. All things considered, Jesus really rose to the occasion this week. Jesus is a junior, double majoring in Women’s Studies and Childhood Development, with a minor in Bowling.

He’d like to remind everyone, “Nobody fucks with the Jesus.”

Don’t you love his bow ties?

(3000|59) submitted by The_Anchor

Editor of the week: Lloyd Matsumoto Having spent this past week dropping hints and leaving monetary “donations” in our newspaper office, we’ve decided to name Lloyd our editor of the week. While his whining didn’t get too out of hand, Lloyd made it clear he would like to be publicly celebrated for his dedication to The Anchor. He spent a couple years or so helping wayward students fumble through leadership positions. Lloyd has also helped the newspaper with his keen eye for biology–it really comes in handy when covering First Amendment issues. But Lloyd’s redeeming quality is his love for his precious bow ties. Damn they look good! Were it not for his fashion sense, Lloyd may have never found his way to The Anchor.

Ty Dugan Lifestyles Editor

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Charlie Sheen Puts a Bid to add His name to New Hall Ty Dugan Sitting down with Charlie Sheen, you soon realize that this is going to be unlike any interview you will ever have. He casually sips his freshly squeezed lemonade in his throne made from dazzling fabrics and wonderfully crafted mahogany.

He makes jokes and makes me feel welcome, sharing the lemonade from the pitcher on the solid-gold stand next to his throne.

You wouldn’t know a man like this had any interest in higher education. In fact, most people peg him as a selfish jackass.

Sheen jokes that those people would not be completely wrong.

Sheen: “But don’t be so stupid that you would undersell me. The future of our country, of our world – Man, we rely on you guys. You are going to shape where we go and what we do. You’re going to be controlling my medicaid, damn it. That’s fucking scary.”

AL: “So you’re concerned about our futures?”

Sheen: “More about my own, but yeah. I want to make sure you kids do it right, get out there and make something of yourselves. That’s important, y’know?”

AL: “Is that why you decided to donate to RIC?” Sheen: “N’aw, that was mostly so I could get my name on a building in Rhode Island College. I’m a huge Lil’ Rhody fan.

You guys with the Friars, the Rams, the Anchormen? Browns? Great schools for sports, great colleges.”

AL: “I had no idea you were so interested in Rhode Island. When did that start?”

Sheen: “You cats know what’s up. I’ve been a Rhody fan for a long time. Actually, I used to come to Providence in the 80’s and party. Hardcore stuff, man. Real hardcore.”

AL: “That’s awesome. So what interested you about New Hall?”

Sheen: “I was actually unaware until Nancy [Carioullo] called me. Nance and I, we go way back man. She used to really know how to party. She got professional though, and I can’t hold that against her, never saw much of her after that until recently.”

AL: “President Carioullo wanted you to make the donation to put your name on New Hall?”

Sheen: “No that was really just something I wanted to do so I could call up Emilio [Estevez] and tell him my name got put on a building in Rhode Island. He would be so jealous.” Sheen laughs uncontrollably and drops grapes in his mouth.

AL: “How much money are you looking to donate?”

Sheen: “However much it takes to add a new floor for a giant oxygen bar and club. You kids miss so many classes with your ‘hangovers.’ I’ve never had the displeasure of experiencing one myself at that age, but I hear they’re terrible. I decided you kids need an oxygen bar to get you going in the mornings and get ready for class.”

AL: “That’s very generous. Don’t you think maybe that money could be spent to improve other buildings however?”

Sheen: “What needs more improving? Your grounds? You need to pretty-up your campus and shit? Or would you rather improve New Hall and with it, your minds. Let’s say I give you kids a new parking lot? What is that going to do? Help you park. I’m giving you an opportunity to get totally wrecked, get cleaned up, and still get to class. An opportunity for perfect attendance. You can’t put a price on that, but RIC did. They said it’s about 21 mil.”

AL: “Do you have any other specific requests for your money?”

Sheen: “A fountain of famous Rhode Island congressman Patrick Kennedy would be nice. That guy is just awesome.”

AL: “Agreed. I hear Ray DiPasquale [President of Community College of Rhode Island] was extremely upset about this. Any reason why?”

Sheen: “He doesn’t take bad news well. I’m a big fan of his, but he can’t offer me the same things that you Anchor-fellas can. Maybe if he wants to come to my place in Newport and talk it over, we can. Actually I might call him, I’m having dinner with James Woods tomorrow night.”

AL: “Charlie, is there any advice you have for Rhode Island College students?”

Sheen: “You’re not me, kids. So don’t try to be. But if you want to make it in this world, you need to be just a quarter of the amazing that I am. If you can tap into that, your inner-win, then you will find yourself on top. You will be winning, all the time. Stop complaining, stop over-drinking, you have the ability to put yourself in check.

Jess Bourget Dear attractive teacher, please roll your sleeves down..your awesome tattoos are so distracting...

@AnchorRILife

Liz DiRuggerio shared YOLO Club @ RIC’s photo

AnchorRILife April 1 – Boxer Briefs AnchorRILife April 2 – Boxer Briefs (day 2) AnchorRILife April 3 – LOL Comedy Series w/ Michelle Buteau @ 8 p.m. Sapinsley Hall. $5 in advance at Roberts Box Office, $10 at the door.

AnchorRILife April 3 – Mid-Rise Briefs AnchorRILife April 4 – Open Mic Night @7:30 p.m. Student Union Café Slam some poetry, drop some beats, crank out some jokes! ANYTHING! AnchorRILife April 5-7 RIC Trip to Washington D.C. 7 a.m. Friday – 8 p.m. Sunday. $80 for the first 10 RIC students, $100 for students after. $120 Non-Ric (18+) AnchorRILife April 5-7 – Free-Ballin’ it for two days.

| Can’t wait to go to their first meeting!

Richard Parker Focusing on school organizations is an important part of any good Lifestyles section. That’s why we are going to sit down with as many clubs as we can to get the word out on what goes on within each organization.

This week we start with the newest organization, YOLO (You Only Live Once). The YOLO Club is headed by Tim Hordern who has also penned the mission statement of the club. “We are looking to do everything crazy you can do in one semester with $200. We have personal funds we plan on dipping into as well.” He stated in between shots of tequila.

The YOLO Club is being highly scrutinized by some students. One particular student government member, Travis Escobar, said that the club was too dangerous. He was particularly concerned when he read the mission statement. “Who puts ‘Wrestling crocodiles is great’ in their mission statement?” Escobar criticized. “The hell does that even mean? Are they really going to wrestle crocodiles?”

How the organization passed is still a mystery, but they have only been budgeted for one semester, rather than a whole year, out of fear that the organization (or its members at the least) will cease to exist come Spring 2014.

When speaking to club treasurer David Gannon (during his daily car-waxing), it becomes obvious what the true focus of this club is about. “We focus on life, family, and friends. Nothing is more important. You do what you gotta do, you only have the here and the now.” He is proud to show the bite marks on his arm from when he reached into a tree to pull out an opossum.

“Did I get rabies? No. Could I have? Sure. Do I care? YOLO.” YOLO Club is going to be meeting every Tuesday at 6PM on top of the Student Union building. Leave your helmets at home.

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Special Investigative Report: Girl Trapped in Skinny Jeans Fears Death

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Danielle Lafond

The Anchor Newspaper

Krystal DiTaglio, 21, thought she found the perfect pair of skinny jeans for a first date while shopping at the store she works at in the mall.

“I thought, ‘What a steal!’ I mean with my discount they were so affordable,” she said, looking at her legs with a forlorn sigh.

“So tempting.”

That temptation has cost Krystal her freedom. For three months, DiTaglio has been trying to take off the pants to no avail.

She relayed the events of the day with a thousand yard stare fixed in her eyes.

“Well,” Viveros said, “I bought them and put them on immediately when I got home. That process was unattractive, to say the least. I had to wiggle like mad.”

She does her version of the skinny-jeans-dance as a demonstration. “And, uh, they just kind of… stuck?”

Women seem to be in a race to the bottom, diameter-wise, when it comes to their pants. Jeggings, jeans so tight they’re basically leggings, has even entered our fashion vocabulary. One could blame DiTaglio’s situation on society’s obsession with the trend, but she thinks there’s something more sinister at work.

“I could see if maybe it was just hard to get them off, but they literally don’t budge,” she said. “I think… I think they’re evil.”

DiTaglio suspected something weird when she couldn’t cut them off with her mother’s sewing scissors. She tried a visit to the hospital but Dr. Harold Unger, who tended to DiTaglio in the emergency room, was stumped.

“I don’t understand,” Unger said. “I couldn’t even move them enough to snip the cuff.” He was, however, optimistic about her condition. “It didn’t seem to be hurting her, at least not physically.”

Mentally, however, DiTaglio is a prisoner in her own pants.

“I just want to wear a goddamn wide-leg trouser!” she sobbed, gesturing to a closet full of unworn clothing. “I’m pretty sure this is going to kill me,” she confided in me. “I’m not sure when, but I think this is how I die.”

At our most recent meeting, DiTaglio informed me that things had been getting weirder and seemed fidgety and on-edge.

“It’s like they’re forming some sort of rigid shell on my lower half,” she said. “Also, I’m pretty sure I saw a shadow lurking in my bedroom last night. Every time I looked it went away, but I could feel its evil stare.”

DiTaglio has since been unavailable for comment.

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Dillion C I bet I can fit this in my mouth guys, watch.

Tyler B To be or not to be

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The Power I will defeat you He-Man for making a mockery of me! Myaah!

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RHys This plus a bathtub = my life sucks.

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cactus christ

World Mourns Loss of Planet’s Greatest Actor Nicolas Cage: In Memoriam World renowned actor Nicolas Cage passed away last Friday in his villa on the lower-east side of the Earth’s moon.

Cage purchased the property after a heated bidding war between Gary Busey and Ted Turner. The Tuscan inspired home came equipped with a total lack of amenities, no heat, no electricity and no system of oxygen regulation.

The home does, however, have a tyrannosaur petting zoo and a swimming pool filled entirely with the saliva of Bulgarian super-models.

“I’ve finally taken residence in the mighty citadel from which I may stand guard for all Earthlings against the relentless onslaught of the Mole People,” Cage said of the property. After cutting a deal with Richard Branson to construct the first Virgin Space Catapult, Cage was flung through the stratosphere and arrived at his moon villa with most of his skin missing. An expert of meditative breath control, Cage was able to preserve his meager oxygen supplies. Autopsy reveals that he died of a broken heart upon realizing that he would not be cast in the Lord of the Rings movies, and in fact, these films had been produced and released in theaters almost a decade ago.

As a stipulation of his will, Cage was lowered into an active volcano in a Kryptonite encrusted casket to crusade against the Mole People posthumously. “This guy is the most overt racist since Michael Richards,” said Krogdor of the Mole People, “but damn it if he wasn’t a great actor.”

Cage is still set to appear in 23 films in 2013. However, he spent a significant portion of his fortune to splinter his soul into sacred objects, or Horcruxes, in the event of his untimely demise. The IMF is frantically scrambling to assemble the Horcruxes, as Cage’s eccentric spending accounts for a third of the world’s economy annually. So far, first issues of Action Comics, a can of Rogaine and half of a falafel sandwich have been assembled in an attempt to resurrect Mr. Cage.

“I don’t think that’s how Horcruxes work.” said some nerd.

“Shut up!” responded humanity.

Nic Cage will be remembered for his work in the superb documentary film “National Treasure” and tour-de-force performances in “Ghost Rider” and “The Croods.” Cage is survived by his son, Kal-El, as well as 20 other children named after superheroes; including Bruce Wayne, Hal Jordan, and Kakarot.

Source: Liz DiRuggerio #NickCage #WillAlwaysLiveOn

sonny moore

MDMA Goes XXX It’s called “straight-edge,” abbreviated, “xxx.” For years, this drug-free life style has defined the hardcore scene; stalwarts refrain from smoking, drinking and the use of conscious altering substances. Despite the chaotic, frenzied appearance, the mosh pit at your local VFW is likely fueled by coca-cola rather than cocaine.

But now the popularity of straight-edge culture is beginning to permeate other music scenes; particularly, electronic dance music.

“Loud music, bright lights and hot girls in booty shorts? It’s definitely way more fun to be sober when dealing with any of those things. I’m an individual. 9-11 was an inside job. My parents pay my tuition,” said adamant straightedge raver Casey Jones.

Raving until dawn is no longer cool in the EDM scene. Many dance hall regulars commit to be in bed by 10 and are increasingly likely to wear earplugs to shows and refrain from anonymous sexual encounters. Strikingly, popular rave drugs are now being phased out of the club life. You’d be hard pressed to find molly or 2CI, and certainly, nobody is smoking weed. EDM kids have always, and will continue to be inexorably opposed to the use of marijuana.

“If you’re smoking in here, you’d better be on fire,” remarked Jones.

In contrast to the adoption of straight-edge in EDM, the country music scene has never been more drug addled and violent. At a Toby Keith concert in Denver last month, at least a dozen people were hospitalized from mosh related injuries. When asked about the belligerent nature of country music fans, one roadie said, “Toby Keith has the most violent fan base in popular music. If you go to a country music show, you better mosh hard, or else you’ll end up in the ER. I saw a man break an orbital bone with a ten gallon hat. Toby himself once choked a caterer with a bolo tie.”

Kids are putting ‘x’s on their hands at Ultra Music Festival and breaking faces at the Grand Ole Opry. God bless America.

james lucey

rosetta sloan

Engelbert Humperdinck’s “Engelbert Sings For You” Loved ‘round the world and back again, Engelbert Humperdinck is one of the most prolific and iconic rock and roll gods of the 20th century. His hard-edged lyrics, paired with his raucous and ravenous delivery, have propelled him into the rock and roll spotlight for the past four decades. He continues to wow audiences, making his musical home on the glamorous stages of some of the finest 2-star hotels Las Vegas has to offer.

No one rocks the Chevron mustache quite like Engelbert Humperdinck. One woman, sometime around 1978 while throwing her panties on the stage, claims to have actually seen the mustache flutter while the crooner spouted out the raunchy rock lyrics “Every day I wake up, then I start to break up/ Knowing that it’s cloudy above/ Every day I start out, then I cry my heart out/ Lonely is a man without love.” Be still my beating heart.

Humperdinck’s “Engelbert Sings for You,” his umpteenth studio album, was the predecessor to countless compilations by the artist such as “Engelbert Sings the Hits,” “An Evening with Engelbert Humperdinck,” “Engelbert Humperdinck Sings the Classics,” “The Engelbert Humperdinck Collection,” and the most recent compilation, released in 2012, “Release Me - The Best Of Engelbert Humperdinck.” In fact, Humperdinck has released 96 total albums, and some say he is going for 100.

On “Engelbert Sings for You,” considered by many to be an embarrassment to men everywhere, we find a tempting love buffet with gems like “From here to Eternity,” “Gentle on my Mind,” “How Near is Love,” “Take My Heart,” “The Shadow of Your Smilev” and “Up Up and Away.”

The albums smooth grooves, minor chords, soft strings, and choir-like background vocals embody the musical makeup of the belly of hard-core rock and roll. If you listen to the album backwards with a candle lit you will actually hear, in a faint whisper, “Turn this shit off.”

Source: Sam Mandeville #PutSomeHashTags

james lucey

rosetta sloan

“It’s not ‘devil music,’ it’s art!”

– Pope Francis New Pope Francis was asked to step down from the papacy, after only a few short weeks in office. City officials got an anonymous phone call just days before discovering a cache of rock n’ roll and hip-hop music in his former home in Buenos Aires along with video footage of the Pope singing along to Snoop Dogg’s “It Ain’t No Fun if My Homies Can’t Have None,” a song that objectifies women as mere playthings. The papal papa is shown in the video wearing a black do-rag and “F*** Tha Police” t-shirt, happily spouting the lyrics “Cause she ain’t nuthin’ but a bitch to me/And y’all know, that bitches ain’t shit to me” More videos were found, one in which Francis is singing, at the top of lungs, “Hey, you’re a crazy bitch,/But you f*** so good I’m on top of it/ When I dream of doin’ you all night;” lyrics from Buck Cherry’s “Crazy Bitch.”

In an interview with Maria Concentra Benitez Smith, a local widower, basket weaver and devout Catholic, the Pope is labeled “a disgusting disgrace who advocates for devil music.” Defenders of the pontiff like Juan Johnson Gomez, the assistant to the traveling secretary of the Buenos Aires Archbishop, said “…we cannot judge him for his taste in music. He is sexually deprived; we cannot turn our backs on that. He is a man. And a good man.”

AP reporters finally caught up with the Pope in Vatican City and asked, “Your holiness; millions of your followers have been outraged, some even say, disgraced, with the discovery of your listening to what they are calling ‘devil music’, with songs that degrade women, use profanity, and encourage drug use. Do you have anything to say to the world?” As he was being escorted into the back of a Lincoln Continental, he was quoted “F*** bitches, get money.”

morgan spurlock

The Season of the Biopics The biopic season begins this April with pop star Chris Brown starring in “A Way Distant Voice,” where he’ll play Fab Morvan, the surviving member of the 90s pop duo Milli Vanilli. This uplifting drama chronicles Morvan’s tough struggle to create a comeback concert at a Mobile, Alabama JC Penney. Brown is currently unlearning all of his dancing and singing skills in order to play his role with authenticity. Also, Will Smith will provide Brown’s singing and rapping voice. Brown won the role over much bigger names like Jamie Foxx, Usher, and even Will Smith. This is because Morvan lobbied extremely hard for Brown.

“When I made the decision to sell my life away,” explained Morvan, “I immediately knew that only Chris could play me. The similarities between us are amazing. He’s a big loser who’s getting a second chance.” This was no easy battle considering that Tyler Perry, who’s tired of playing fat chicks, offered the film’s executives millions of dollars to let him play the role.

Resigned to his self-imposed fate, Perry is writing, directing and starring as Rosa Parks in “Big Rosa’s Bus.” It’s already drawing some controversy from the likes of the NAACP and Gloria Steinem over a scene where Parks snorts crack off of Martin Luther King’s butt. “I’m tired of women being the butt of the joke in every Hollywood movie” said Steinem at a feminist gala at the Ritz Carlton in Manhattan. “We simply object to Mr. Perry and think he’s an abomination to our race” said NAACP President and CEO Benjamin Todd Jealous at some Martin Luther King event in Washington DC. Perry remains undeterred.

Melissa McCarthy has put her body on display in hilarious romps such as “Bridesmaids” and “Identity Thief.” Now she uses her rotund figure to elicit heavily manipulated tears in the social drama “Won’t Cut Back.” McCarthy stars as Terri Stout, a mad as hell single mother who busses tables at three restaurant chains to provide for her two 200 lb 8 and 10-year-old boys. It follows her Erin Brokovich-y journey to organizing “Million Dollar Big Gulp March” against the Mayor Bloomberg’s tyrannical ban on sodas over 16 ounces and creating the inspiring slogan “Keep America Big.” “I’m so honored to play this honest to goodness woman who has started one the biggest grassroots movement since the Civil Rights” said an elated McCarthy. Kerry Washington will star alongside McCarthy as the cynical Harlem-obsessed Congresswoman Leticia James who softens up and helps Stout’s crusade. “I think Kerry is perfect” bellowed executive producer Oprah Winfrey. “She embodies the essence of Congresswoman James. She’s just younger, prettier, and slimmer.” Meanwhile, Alec Baldwin is in talks to play Bloomberg.

The most intriguing one of all surely has to be Daniel Day-Lewis’ upcoming flick, the “Untitled Boudicca Project,” about the ancient Welsh warrior queen. Nothing was known about the project before a hacker leaked an audio recording by Iranian spy of Christine Langan, the head of BBC Films gushing to a colleague “I’m pretty sure this role will make Daniel the first person to win Best Actor and Best Actress at the Oscars.” Many are speculating that Day-Lewis, an extreme method actor, got castrated for the role.

Eddie Pannone • Sports Editor

Pay to Pray

VATICAN -- How many times have you seen a team in danger of losing late in a game and the camera flashes to that one fan with their eyes closed and hands folded praying for a miracle? “Wow, that person is insane,” we think to ourselves. But now this idea may have gained some momentum.

Pope Francis, elected in March, declared that one of his first tasks as Pope would be to find more ways for the Church to make money. Instead of looking into traditional money making ways, Francis took a more unorthodox approach.

“The people of the Church are changing,” Francis said, “and its time for the Church to change along with them.”

The Pope announced that for certain prices he will say a prayer for your favorite sports team. This can vary from a professional sports team to your local Little League team. Fans can contact the Pope via his Twitter, phone, mail, email or by any other means possible.

“I got the idea from Benedict,” Francis explained. “He didn’t want to go public with it because he was a bigger sports fan than he led on. Every Sunday he prayed for his Broncos, and every Sunday they pulled off a miracle. Do you think it was a coincidence that Tim Tebow led so many 4th quarter comebacks despite having no quarterbacking skills whatsoever?”

The pricing system is as follows. If you would like your favorite player to have a good game, it will cost you $100. If you want a player on your rival team to do poorly, it is $200. A win for your favorite team will be $500, and come playoff time all prices will be doubled.

Don’t think that one prayer will do the trick, it’s not that simple. What if a Red Sox fan and a Yankee fan both pray for their team to win when they face off against each other? Or if a Patriots fan wants Brady to throw 5 touchdowns while a Ravens fan wants him to throw 5 picks? Each prayer request must be made 15 minutes prior to game time, and the teams and players with the most overall money raised will receive the holy bump.

“It can get a little expensive,” the Pope admitted, “but nowadays this is what the people want. Fans get really crazy about their teams and for the first time in history they will have a chance to impact games. The days of praying for peace are well behind us, and I think the Church realized that.”

Since this idea was announced last weekend, the Church has already raised over 1 million dollars from basketball fans.

ESPN reports that over half this amount came from college hoop fans praying for their brackets.

“It was weird,” Francis said of his first March Madness. “Many people were praying for the traditional 5-12 upset or some other game like that. Few prayers came in for the one and two seeds, and the community around Florida Gulf Coast University was particularly vocal.”

The remaining money earned came on March 27th, according to a CBS news report.

“Yeah, no surprise here,” Francis said with a laugh. “Practically everyone in the country sent in their prayers against the Miami Heat. I can’t think of one prayer outside of Florida area that wasn’t a ‘Please let the streak end’ request.”

Requests have been sent in like crazy now that the effects have been shown. Reports indicate that most frequently asked for things include a losing year for the Yankees and for the Jets to keep Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow on the roster.

Donald Chestnut • Canchor Contributor

Walsh in Westwood WESTWOOD -- Westwood has a new resident...and his name is Robert Walsh. That’s right. RIC men’s basketball coach Bob Walsh has been hired as the new head coach of the UCLA Bruins basketball program, sitting in the same seat on the sidelines as coaching icon John Wooden. Wooden, aka “The Wizard of Westwood” led the Bruins to 10 championships behind the backs of future Hall-of-Famers Lew Alcindor and Bill “Dead Head” Walton, to name a few.

One might think that UCLA, one of most prestigious programs in basketball, might be quite the leap for Walsh, but Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan has shown the jump can be less intimidating with his success from UW-Platteville to UW-Milwaukee to Wisconsin. UCLA athletic director Dan Guerrero, who went after VCU’s Shaka Smart and Butler’s Brad Stevens before landing on Walsh, loves the hire.

“Frankly, I love the hire!” Bob is a great guy and a great coach,” said Guerrero. “His tenacity on the sidelines, his work ethic in the film room, and what I’ve heard from his postgame interviews really made me that decide Bob was the guy for the job.” Walsh will take over for Ben Howland who spent 10 years patrolling the Pauley Pavilion sidelines.

Walsh started his coaching career as an administrative assistant at Iona, then landed an assistant gig at the University of San Diego before landing back with Tim Welsh at Iona. Welsh brought Walsh with him to Providence College where he spent seven years as an assistant. Coach Walsh spent the last eight seasons on the bench for the Anchormen. Under Walsh RIC was 184-54 overall, made six straight NCAA Tournament appearances and seven overall. The Anchormen also won five regular season Little East championships, and five LEC tournament championships.

“Bob was one of the easier coached I have ever dealt with,” RIC athletic director Donny Tencher said in the goodbye press conference. “He led the program to the heights. Little East championships, NCAA tournament wins, All-Americans.

He cannot be thanked enough for what he brought to the program. And in honor of Walsh’s commitment and work ethic, the basketball court at the Murray Center will now be named ‘Bob Walsh Court at the Murray Center.’ We here at the athletic department cannot think of a better way to thank Bob.” In a side note, Bob Walsh’s twitter (@CoachBobWalsh) went from 1800-plus followers to 1.2 million over the course of 24 hours. In another media related side note, Walsh’s blog, blog.coachbobwalsh.com as now been upgraded to coachbobwalsh.com. Check it.

Eddie Pannone • Sports Editor

Return of a Legend?

The days of 2013 are like the days of no other. Everything is changing, from the complexity of medicine advances to the simple game of baseball. New ideas are always being implemented to make each better for the future, but now the two ideas have mixed.

Nicknamed “The Greatest Hitter to Ever Live,” Ted Williams is one of the All-Time great players MLB has ever seen.

He was not only a good hitter but a smart hitter, as his brain had more knowledge about the art of hitting than anyone in history. Williams last played in the big leagues in 1960 and died of cardiac arrest in 2002. His wishes were to be cremated, but that did not happen as they were frozen cryonically. His children made this decision with the thinking that somewhere along the line medicine would find a way to restore his life.

Turns out they may be right.

The Williams family announced this weekend that, after keeping it a secret for 12 years, Williams would be attempting a return to Major League Baseball. Well, at least his clone will be.

“This was a very complicated decision to make,” lawyers for the family explained in a statement. “But it is a decision we think will have positive affects on the game as well as science.”

According to the reports, shortly after Williams was frozen cryonically DNA was taken from his body in the interest of cloning it sometime in the future.

“It was something they had discussed when they decided to freeze him cryonically,” the lawyer said, “and they wanted the chance to make the decision about cloning him in the future.”

Turns out it was not soon after the death, as cells from his head were obtained within that year of 2002. Since they had the cells from his head, the most important part of the Hall of Famer’s body, they would be able to clone a likeness that was almost 100% similar to Williams himself.

“It’s exciting to think about,” doctors said, “because the clone would not be of the 83 year old Williams, it would be of the up and coming Williams!”

The clone, which has been named Will Samuel, is 11 years old and is coming up like any other young player would.

Since cloning is not allowed in the US, Samuel had to be brought up by parents in Scotland who wish to remain anonymous. He is playing for his local Little League team, and the results have been historic. So far, he is batting .981 with 25 homeruns and 67 RBIs in just 18 games played.

“I have never seen anything like him,” his coach said. “I had no idea he was a clone of Ted Williams until recently, but I’m sure not surprised by it. I never thought I would see scouts at a Little League game, but that just shows how times are changing.”

Samuel declined an interview with the Anchor, showing that he possess all of his William’s attributes. Still, this is an experiment that seems to be working out better than anyone could have anticipated. We are still probably 7-8 years away from seeing him take the field for an MLB team, but the Splendid Splinter’s likeness is well on his way to a historic return.

Ty Dugan• Canchor Editor

Quidditch Anchormen Trample the Friars PROVIDENCE -- “Jordan [Day] is the best Seeker this school has ever had,” said Quidditch enthusiast Kyle Grant. “I can’t imagine a better person for that position on this team.”

While that seems like a bold statement, this week’s match against the Friars proved as much. Day would save the game for the Anchormen at the last minute, knocking Seeker Horace Hornbull almost completely off his broom to make the grab for the Snitch and win the match.

The Anchormen certainly brought their game on Wednesday. Keeper Kaitlyn Burke has had a rough start in the season but thanks to coaching from last season’s Keeper (and one of this season’s Chasers), Tom Lima, her ability to knock the quaffles away from RIC hoops has increased dramatically.

Beaters Hilary Costa and Nick Rose are notorious on their broomsticks. Every state-school quidditch team knows of the reckoning that comes with them when they push up off the green on their brooms. This Wednesday was no different from the other matches before as Costa and Rose worked in tangent to bring down the Friars. An unfortunate penalty was called against Rose for being “too rough” with one of PC’s Chasers, but this is to be expected as Rose is a bull in a Chinashop on the field. Thankfully, the player was alright.

The match was a great win for Anchormen and RIC will be facing Friars again this season in early May. Next week however, we look to winning the skies over University of Rhode Island where Seeker Ian Armitstead and team captain (as well as Chaser) Ryan Gibbs look to end the Anchormen winning streak. As WXIN representative and avid quidditch fan Rob Santurri stated: “There ain’t no getting off this Hogwart’s express…”

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