Parenting Toward the Kingdom: A Companion Guide by Ancient Faith Publishing

Parenting Toward the Kingdom A Companion Guide Kendra Hunter Kristina Tartara Stephanie Petrides with Philip Mamalakis, PhD

ancient faith publishing chesterton, indiana

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Parenting Toward the Kingdom: A Companion Guide Copyright © 2024 Philip Mamalakis, Kendra Hunter, Kristina Tartara, Stephanie Petrides All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the Publisher. Published by: Ancient Faith Publishing A Division of Ancient Faith Ministries 1050 Broadway, Suite 6 Chesterton, IN 46304 All Old Testament quotations, unless otherwise identified, are from the Orthodox Study Bible, ©️ 2008 by St. Athanasius Academy of Orthodox Theology (published by Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee) and are used by permission. New Testament quotations are from the New King James Version of the Bible, ©️ 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc., and are used by permission. Quotations from Akathist to the Mother of God: Nurturer of Children are used by permission of St. Paisius Orthodox Monastery, Safford, AZ, https://stpaisiusmonastery.org/. All rights reserved. Cover design by Samuel Heble ISBN: 978-1-955890-59-5 Library of Congress Control Number: 2023952498 Printed in the United States of America

I would like to dedicate this companion guide to my husband, Brian, and our four children. They have each taught me what it means to love. They’ve shown me mercy and forgiveness when I’ve missed the mark, and they’ve helped me grow closer to the Lord. Additionally, I would like to thank Dr. Philip Mamalakis for allowing me the honor of working on this project, and I pray that other parents, caretakers, and families will be blessed in some small way by our collective work. Parenting can be a real struggle, and yet we are never alone. Coming together in fellowship to learn and grow together can be truly lifegiving, a balm for the soul. I pray this guide is a helpful tool to that end. May God bless our efforts! —Kendra Hunter To my husband and my two sweet girls, this book couldn’t have come together if it weren’t for you. Thank you for blessing my life, loving me, and supporting me in all of my writing and illustrating endeavors. Thank you to Dr. Mamalakis for this amazing opportunity! I loved getting to know all of you in our writing team and learning from each of you. To all who use this companion guide—I pray you are encouraged in your parenting journey. Remember that you are never alone! —Kristina Tartara I would like to dedicate this book to my husband for being my companion on this journey of parenthood and for helping me find the time to be involved in this project. Also, to my three boys for making me a mother, for teaching me so much about humility, repentance, and unconditional love, and for providing me with ample opportunities to put the principles of this book into practice. And to Dr. Mamalakis and the rest of our writing team for the amazing opportunity to collaborate, learn from, and encourage each other. Lastly, to all of the parents who use this study guide, who are taking the time to learn and grow in their parenting and are striving to put Christ at the center of everything they do as parents. May God guide us all on this journey! —Stephanie Petrides I would like to dedicate this guide to all the parents who read or listen to Parenting Toward the Kingdom and make efforts to change the way they relate to their children, and in particular to those parents who feel and see the need to gather, as parents, in community to learn and grow together. This guide is meant for you, because one of the best gifts we can give our children is to take the time and make the effort to learn how to raise them . . . toward the Kingdom. —Philip Mamalakis

Sample pages only. Purchase the full book at http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom-a-companion-guide/

Contents Introduction

Session One: Always Parent with the End in Mind

Session Two: Respond, Don’t React

Session Three: Understand Struggles in Terms of the Values and the Virtues of the Kingdom of God, Part 1

Session Four: Understand Struggles in Terms of the Values and the Virtues of the Kingdom of God, Part 2

Session Five: Separate Feelings from Behaviors, Part 1

Session Six: Separate Feelings from Behaviors, Part 2

Session Seven: Separate Feelings from Behaviors, Part 3

Session Eight: Separate Feelings from Behaviors, Part 4

Session Nine: Teach the Joy of Obedience

113

Session Ten: Teach the Joy of Repentance

125

Appendix: Opening Prayers

139

Endnotes

151

About the Authors

153

Sample pages only. Purchase the full book at http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom-a-companion-guide/

Purchase the original!

Having the classic book, Parenting Toward the Kingdom: Orthodox Christian Principles of Child-Rearing, on hand will enhance your overall experience as you work your way through this companion guide. Scan this QR code to find it at store.ancientfaith.com.

Introduction

Sample pages only. Purchase the full book at http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom-a-companion-guide/

Welcome! I wrote Parenting Toward the Kingdom because I believed it would help parents. I didn’t know if it would, but I knew that it really helped me. I never expected it would end up being translated into different languages and used by Catholic, Protestant, and even non-Christian parents. I also never expected to receive emails from parents who were interested in starting parenting groups in their parishes with the book, asking me for good discussion questions and group activities. I obliged and sent questions, and what I asked in return was that they keep their notes. After a few of these types of exchanges, I realized what the next step needed to be: a companion guide to the book. The three moms who wrote this book with me, Kendra Hunter, Presbytera Stephanie Petrides, and Kristina Tartara, each ran parenting groups in their parishes using the book, and they developed their own activities and discussion questions. While Parenting Toward the Kingdom reflects my experience as a dad of seven, this companion guide is the fruit of their wisdom and experience as mothers who use this book in their daily lives and help other parents to do the same. Parenting Toward the Kingdom won’t get our kids to behave, take away our parenting struggles, or make us into perfect parents. What the book can do is help us understand the path of parenting. But we still need to walk the path or, more accurately, struggle and grow on the path of raising our children. And, what all parents need as we learn how to respond rather than react to our kids is other parents who are close to us, learning with us, and supporting us. That is the purpose of this study guide. We’re glad you are making the time to gather with other parents and think about how you’re raising your children. Parenting is challenging. It’s complicated. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. It’s easy to get lost in the demands of daily life and think, “I don’t have the time to take a break and join a study group.” But what I know and have experienced is that it is precisely because parenting is so challenging that we need to take regular breaks to regroup, share our struggles, connect with other parents who are struggling on the same path, and learn a few things about raising kids. A parenting group cannot take away the challenges of parenting, but it can take away the feelings of confusion, discouragement, isolation, and even failure that we can experience along the way. 8

One of the purposes of Parenting Toward the Kingdom is to help us learn how to connect our daily struggles and what we learn at home to the life of Christ and His Church. And one of the best ways to do this is to meet with other parents at church and share our parenting challenges and questions as we work together toward the same long-term goals. The study guide can be used with a group or on your own. We think you’ll benefit the most by going through the study guide with other parents; however, we realize this is not always possible. If you are going through this on your own, we encourage you to use the Let’s Discuss sections as an opportunity to reach out to a spouse or friend and discuss what you are learning and thinking. When we make the effort to meet with other parents and think through what we are doing, we can return to our homes feeling refreshed, encouraged, and supported, and with renewed clarity on how we can continue to navigate the demands of family life. Don’t worry if you haven’t read the book or if you can’t read the chapters designated for each session. Naturally, you will benefit the most if you read the chapters that go along with each session ahead of time. But, really, just showing up is sometimes all a parent can do, and that’s good enough. You will benefit from the fellowship and support of other parents and will take home a few new insights and ideas. The book is also available as an audiobook, because I know that having time to read can feel like a luxury for parents. We don’t expect you to get through all the material in a session at one meeting. It’s okay to take a little more time to discuss a particular topic if it is important. The goal is to be learning together, not making sure you cover every topic. But we do recommend that you start a new session each time you meet so you can make it through as much of the book as possible over the course of a year. You can cover the missed material when you run the study group again in the future. In any case, Parenting Toward the Kingdom is a book that is meant to be read several times because it contains so much information, and because our kids are always growing and encountering new challenges and struggles. I find myself rereading the book, and many parents have shared with me that they reread it multiple times, because parenting is about learning how to walk alongside our children as they learn and grow, and we never stop learning. This study guide is meant to be used a second and third time, individually or as a group, so that all the content and questions are eventually covered over time. Introduction Sample pages only. Purchase the full book at http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom-a-companion-guide/

Each session is not the same, but each is organized to help you gain as much as possible from the book. In each session you will find most or all of the following:

Let ’s Pray Each session begins with a prayer. The appendix contains the Akathist to the Mother of God: Nurturer of Children (St. Paisius Orthodox Monastery, 2005). We recommend that you begin each session by reading a section of the Akathist together.

Let ’s Begin Most sessions then continue with an opening activity for the group, to get everyone thinking on the topic of the day.

Let ’s Listen This is a personal note from me, letting you know what the chapters associated with each session are about and what you’ll be discussing. And I’ll highlight some of the key things you’ll be discussing.

Let ’s Learn These are short excerpts from the book on different topics, a time to learn some new ideas or strategies.

Let ’s Discuss Here you’ll have a chance to talk with a partner, or as a group, about what you’re learning and what you’re thinking.

Let ’s Reflect This is a time for you to answer some questions on your own, privately. It’s a time to think about how the ideas you are learning and discussing apply to your own experience. You don’t need to share these answers with the group if you do not want to.

Let ’s Practice You’ll take some time with a partner, or in a small group, to put into practice some of the ideas or skills you are learning, and then you’ll talk about this as a larger group.

Let ’s Go Toward the end of each session, this will provide an opportunity for you to set goals for yourself for the coming week, based on some of the things you’ve learned.

Let ’s Review Finally, this will highlight the key points of the session. You can share this with a spouse who could not attend, use it if you miss a week, or just use it as a review when you come back again, to remind yourself of what you talked about last time. We hope you enjoy this study guide, and mostly, we hope you continue to learn and grow together as you raise your children toward the Kingdom.

—P hilip Mamalakis

Introduction Sample pages only. Purchase the full book at http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom-a-companion-guide/

Session One Always Parent with the End in Mind Chapter 1: Think Long Term Chapter 2: How Children Learn If from the beginning we teach them to love true wisdom, they will have greater wealth and glory than riches can provide. —St. John Chrysostom, On Marriage and Family Life1 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. —Matthew 6:33 Children acquire virtues not overnight but over time. —Dr. Philip Mamalakis, Parenting Toward the Kingdom (24)

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Let ’s Pray See the appendix.

Let ’s Begin What are some of your hopes, goals, or aspirations for your children?

What do you think God’s goals are for all our children?

What do you notice about these two lists? How are they similar or different?

Let ’s Listen Welcome to the study companion guide to Parenting Toward the Kingdom. I’m glad I’m able to share a few of my thoughts with you as you go through the parenting book on your own or as a group. I think it is a gift of love to your children that you are taking the time to stop for a moment to reflect and learn about parenting. Over time, it will pay off in the changes you’ll notice in the way you relate to your children and to each other as a family. It’s easy to assume that our goal as parents is to get our kids to behave, and we look to parenting books or experts to help us toward that goal. Parents often ask me, “What can I do so my kids will just get along or listen to me when I say something?” Our goal is to make sure they do the right thing, right? But the more we think this way, the more we will become frustrated or feel like a failure, because no matter what we say or do, our children still misbehave: they still don’t pick up their toys or still fight with each other. Is it realistic to expect toddlers, or six-year-olds, or even sixteen-year-olds, to already have acquired patience with siblings so that they never fight, self-control to wait until after dinner to have dessert, or the discipline to clean up their rooms instead of going outside to play? It would be a dream if children simply acted like mature adults. Of course, that is only a dream. What’s real is that these are great goals for our children. It’s just that it takes a long time to reach them. No matter what my dreams and desires are as a parent, my children will behave, think, and learn like children. We need to understand and respect this fact, and expect learning, not mastery, from our children. It’s disrespectful to expect an adult level of maturity from our children, but it’s an act of love to help them learn these things over time. Parenting, or learning how to raise children, is about learning how to respond to any childish misbehaviors so that, over time, our children grow into mature, responsible, and compassionate adults. We can learn to do this, first by clarifying what our longterm goals are and then by focusing on those goals in all our daily interactions and interventions.

Session One: Always Parent with the End in Mind Sample pages only. Purchase the full book at http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom-a-companion-guide/

This companion guide (and the parenting book) won’t take away the challenges of raising children, but it can take away some of the mystery, uncertainty, or confusion around parenting and help you feel more in control of yourself as you learn to let go of trying to control your children. We will be focusing on how to help our children learn, over time, all the things they will need to thrive as adults for a lifetime. May God bless you on this journey!

—P hilip

Let ’s Learn In Galatians 5:22–23 we learn about the values and virtues of the Kingdom of God, which are the fruits of the Spirit: “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.” In the following passage from Parenting Toward the Kingdom, we also learn about God’s definition of success—God’s long-term goals for our children: Successful children are those who internalize the values and virtues of the Kingdom of God, so that when they go away to college or get married they live according to these values—not because we are watching or because we say so, but because they believe these things deeply in their hearts. Beyond just having compliant children, we want our children to acquire patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, and all the virtues that will help them thrive as adults. We want them to learn how to seek true wisdom and acquire a selfless love toward others. We want our children to grow up hungering for righteousness so that they may be filled. We want our children to know, deep within their souls, that the true path of success is to struggle to become holy, to become saints. Our goal is to enable our children to see themselves and others as children of God, icons of Christ, as holy images of God Himself (Gen. 1:26). Successful children know, deep within their hearts, that they are loved by God and by us, and they desire to return that love freely. This is real self-esteem. This is a tall order for us as parents, but it is our vocation, our role. The rest of this book is aimed at learning how we can do this. (23–24)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. —Galatians 5:22–23

Session One: Always Parent with the End in Mind Sample pages only. Purchase the full book at http://store.ancientfaith.com/parenting-toward-the-kingdom-a-companion-guide/

Parenting Toward the Kingdom: A Companion Guide

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Parenting Toward the Kingdom: A Companion Guide