I Was Wrong Book

refusing adulthood is a form of protest we use emotion because nobody understands words there is love we live in a world that burns its own angels beauty is inherently flawed we ignore so many layers of our existence it is ridiculous I don’t believe in sincerity anymore, as a tool of mass emancipation to speak about God you need to journey through Hell the worst of the human kind is that truth sounds like lies that beauty looks like dirt that love looks like perversion that God looks like the evil

IWASWRONG PAULSTEFANESCU

humanity is the faiblesse of nature

I WAS WRONG

PAUL STEFANESCU

there are only 2 possibilities, the no way or the wrong way

QUALIABOOKS

I WAS WRONG

by Paul Stefanescu

2020

qualiafilm.com

CONTENTS

INTRO 4 CIRCLE I

7

CIRCLE II

64

CIRCLE III

162

CIRCLE IV

202

CIRCLE V

311

CIRCLE VI

331

CHAPTER VII

343

CHAPTER VIII

392

THE END

447

we should all be naked on the inside life should never be safe we dedicate our lives to objects dead or alive situations the thousand failures all art emphasizes disease intimacy is my favorite kind of protest Paul Stefanescu

INTRO

I was wrong I thought I can reveal to the people the beauty of solitude and contemplation. I thought I could bring people to lonely forgotten places to give them back their freedom.

But now I begin to understand that those lonely places are lonely for a reason. People naturally run away from them. People are naturally afraid of solitude, is barren, no water no food, no support from others.

People are crippled by design. Freedom is nothing more than a toxin for them. I prefer empty space. I prefer solitude.

I wanted to create a new kind of human, because I don’t like the one this society is creating. I don’t like the instruments of living, this society, gives to the people.

I wanted to create a new world. But people just want to conquer the one they’ve been born in. They climb one over the other, piling into a clutter of fighting beings.

I thought I was somebody that would change the world and people but I am happy that I can, at least, change myself.

INTRO

1

CIRCLE I

we should all be naked on the inside

I love you with the same love I love everything in this world.

No, there is nothing more special, nothing only for you.

That would be so stupid, don’t you think?

If we are to assume let’s assume the good not the bad about things.

Reality saved me from my dreams, dreams saved me from reality.

I have never believed in complete darkness. I am still searching for it. It is still running away from me.

Your language is not the unique universal language of the universe.

Each entity has its own language, communication is an act of empathy and share, an amazing paradox.

The way you see yourself vs the way the others see you. Their’s is the truth. Your’s is the illusion of the true nature of truth and illusion.

Beware of human clutter.

I love cups and glasses and colored gels. I just found out life is all about objects and people and collections of them sometimes.

CIRCLE I

3

So we now know that the world #around us is amazingly beautiful and divine. Now let’s see about the #inner world.

The supposition of what you say is the important thing. And not what you cover it with what you utter.

I explain because so few understand, so many misunderstand and I am tired of explaining. But yesterday I found out that I have a shamanic approach to storytelling and to the spectator’s relation with the work of art and of the performers with the project at hand and yes, all things that are deeply transformative are very scary, very controversial, very stayawayness, very useless and of course very misunderstood and vilified and marginalized. But is good, that little step by little step I reveal to myself a sort of working explanation - you should know that I am anti explanations, but some of them are vague enough and satisfying enough for those that don’t naturally understand that I can use about my work. self hate man, spreads like wild fire Pe tine te iau valuri valuri de selfhate câteodată? humiliation of the proud humiliation of the tragic humiliation of desire humiliation of beauty humiliation of the systematic desire has no truth we need to learn what people like truth has no aesthetic or emotional value pseudo-erection. be erected all the time to do everything erected. hate it when things go down. i wanna be always strong and tough, ecstatic and tender. how can I do it? only through tragedy can one reach spirituality, comedy is just for our daily coping the first step is breaking through the fabric of reality [as raised in], if brave enough, the second step is ecstatic wondering in the lawless brilliant and dreadful both darkness and whiteness. and then... third each one builds it own, out of all this amazing new breath and somehow trying to relate and transmit their own freedom to others simple terrible wonderful... useless

4 I WAS WRONG

too many accessories people recognize the face in everything because thats what we fear most mi se pare mie sau toata lumea care e pe partea emotionala a vietii e in plina depresie in perioada asta? cu oricine vorbesc aflu ca sint la capatul si la fundul lumii aproape sa cada pe partea cealalta in neant. cu un nihilism and hopelessness foarte violent si impotriva a orice si oricine sau o fi ceva de la mincare, anotimp, short days, no nature smell, too much indoors, i don’t know...? there were the peasants, then the workers, then the scientists and now the programmers. is great that the next world will belong to #artists finally they will show the whole world a great great art of living and being yeah all things depressive and antisocial are so popular online but don’t mistake to think that the same is in reality people are so different out there happy and optimistic is the online that makes people prodepressive maybe is because of the solitude of it as an activity and people are so afraid and lost in solitude all things are so beautiful it makes me sick. beauty is a freak of nature a drug or something with heavy on the side effects everybody talks about love but nobody says that love is not the love they all talk about I am not smart, because I never liked others ideas, I am only intelligent, because I like to invent my own true art is without purpose no selling no contests no survival no popularism no king of the mountain although people unconsciously act upon it beauty is not a representation of love art has its own social classes mirroring those in society unfortunately art was stolen by the system too and its eliberation attempts is seen in small failed revolutions as modernism or pop or performanceart but they all very very soon get politicized financial politics > towards social politics > towards kingdom politics CIRCLE I

5

inferiority creates better people. all girls are so much better than boy/kings more present more curious more compassionate more understanding more openminded more human more interested in life more everything and is true with any unprivileged person defined inferior by society gay crazies daft ill deformed colored special thank God I was born in a matriarchal family and I was educated as inferior inferior is so much humanistically better existential unsustainable but spirituality so much more in tune fuck the greater good, the official one i believe in a greater good made by little goods self-obliteration for an untrustworthy goal is only exploitation as all throughout history don’t believe this is anu kind of future. there is no future for all is cycling and the same only technology differs and technology or any kind of medium cant change the human I cannot respect a society that is bases on genetics and astrology for ordering its members da desigur, si romanii ar putea-o face dar nu este o facere de la sine, crescuta organic si prezenta acolo dar da, o putem simula cu succes tocmai de aceea - din cauza acestei constante stari de simulare sint foarte putini romani care pot, care sint pur si simplu #open. our roots run deep, soo soo deep. thats why I love the ones with root disease the meaning of life is simple you just need to experience as often as possible, emotions of wholeness of renewal of becoming of understanding only these emotions make ones life worth the hassle all else are just lies, fakery and technicalities humanity have such amazing ideas but such poor application of them a historical battle fuck social subjects they are lame and junk but people can’t get enough of them. and is because people that buy, are of an age where only networking and patterns matter - older I mean - lost all appetite for the new and unknown - they thrive in meaningless social schemes a selfie feeds the illusion of human togetherness and it teaches us about a new togetherness the togetherness of solitude and this might change the world towards a new enlightenment from our layer upon layer upon layer of wrapping dreams #deathtoreality

6 I WAS WRONG

if you want to help others don’t think what you can sell to them but what you can do for free passionately and let that be your driving power in life, to enlighten and bewilder you the average person lacks the interest in self awareness (up to avoiding it) they motivate all exclusively out of the world and people around so happens that that reality becomes nothing more than their own inner expression upon reality they blindly create the world in their own unconscious image self awareness self awareness self awareness is the most interesting mystery out there and such a good tool for life meaning if you want to be free and nobody to bother you about your work avoid any social subjects and you are free to do anything you want it is only for those who know you in some way for with strangers one shares only social subjects, nothing more intimacy with strangers instead of being a normality its still a great great taboo I’ve always been a man of some patron that liked me and felt important to help me because of my work. I was never a popular thing use spirituality with proper dilution, no more than 0.03% it can become toxic. that is why people stay away from its bitter taste I never worked with a model that was not afraid and ashamed to collaborate with me. Quickly to hide, quickly to forget. so few of us don’t hide from their own selves. so few of us are interested in more than normality. because all of us are natively afraid of any other being, including oneself. we should cherish every jump of our minds from idea to idea it’s a miracle how it happens its amazing and it will not be forever cherish and savor and enjoy each infime jump sacred is antonymous to fetish but on the same realm of discovery and feeling (trăire) thus all is rooted and crowned in sexuality an ouroboros of emotional existence I’ve always looked for the sacred in things.

CIRCLE I

7

let’s not forget that humans as they are today are originated out of a very few selected saints, enlightened, humans - that found family and clan and other social order the best thing for a multiplication phase, thus today, after 10000 years, we are both enlightened in essence but thrown in this game of multiplication so that we will keep the wisdom and truth alive being many in number, as with servers is difficult to destroy it and also they are reinforcing each other as it is the process of reconstructing old films. make of your own, many many copies so that when they start to deteriorate to be able to reconstruct themselves out of themselves we first seek and find enlightenment and then multiply or we just multiply and seek enlightenment for our offsprings its not forward or backward its uphill or downhill for living is a sloppy thing not horizontal we all need objects in our lives choose wisely what you use what you belong and identify with objects - systems of objects - organums - body of objects - worlds of objects create your own world wisely knowing a thing is a kind of murder it kills all the wondrous other things it can be it was it will ever be able to the multiple is made one a repetitive number one violence is the only thing I can’t adapt to. I’m such a lame of a man who is not afraid is violent always be professional be useful become better all the time understand and love your job and its place in your life always be social don’t let injustice to those around you help for a better society get involve in the life of your city always be political let your voice be heard fight for your right get involved in the life of your country culture, race, continent, class the entire world structure or not and be free sa nu uitam ca solutiile le-au gasit ei noi am suferit in confuzie si durere fara sa facem nimic. apoi cind apare solutia de la ei creata cu greu si mult curaj si sacrificiu de ei preluam si noi repede si vaiii ce curajosi sintem - usa vs ro democracy, lgbt, rock, diversity, sexworkers, drugs, entertainment.… sa fim atenti la procentul de concepte cu care vietuim, de la ei - si cel de la noi

8 I WAS WRONG

Have you never found your passion?

Do you hate your job, feel it wastes your life?

Do you fear that what you feel as right is against all the ones around you?

Do you fear that being true to yourself will estrange or even…. The ones that love you as you are. And helped you along your unless life?

Do you feel obligated to be what you are only to be thankful to the people that got you along until here?

Do you suffer for not being able to free yourself?

Do you hate yourself for not being able to be what they want?

Do you regret the path you are on?

Do you suffer for not being able to free yourself?

Do you trade your freedom for food and comfortable acceptance?

Are you trapped in a family that you were compelled to make?

Do you study for a career you know you have nothing in common with?

Have you always felt normality as being boring, or wrong, or madeup?

Do you still look for your place in the world?

Are you unsure o four desires and goals?

Would you want to change your life, your world, your rules and meanings?

Have you ever felt all things around you that seem fake – and that all the people would want to do something else but don’t have the courage?

Have you ever felt trapped in a life you can’t control?

Have you always done only the things requested from you?

Do you sacrifice your life for the desires and laws of others?

Did you lost touch with your body, with your feelings, with your peace of mind?

Do you want to live in the danger of truth. To start experiencing liberating feelings and perceptions. Do you want to shed all your layers of fear and mistrust. Do you want to stop politics and start living. w What ideals are you actively embody? dreams are not reality the one that can be dream and reality in the same moment is whole

CIRCLE I

9

Why don’t you promote your lifestyle? Your freedom? Why do you keep on selling the same old alternative bullshit. Be honest. Be proud.

Multiply it in others. Don’t be selfish. Don’t be ashamed of your own strength and power Don’t be ashamed of your meaning, of your love You found it from others too.

I might not be able to tell it to your face but for sure I will write it to you. Always the truth, always the honest feelings. Always the intimacy of truth. do you think that if you concentrate all only towards spirituality everything else, psychological, social, professional, conflictual, existential, revelation will simply fall into place, in harmonious way? we all would love to do less and less and less and less.... for more and more and much much more men are to violent, women are to scared. we need another way beware and always remember and enjoy your today’s freedom -tolerance is frugal and is just tolerance never to become understanding human barbaric nature will never change let’s ignore our bodies our organic nature let’s concentrate only on our immaterial consciousness and immaterial perception of things for that way, we can escape so much easier from the unfair pain of existence we prefer to do things that are easily forgotten nobody likes to be remembered of who he/she was in vivid detail our past is deadour past is myth why only visual porn is taboo why not the musical one the literary one the choreographic one the architectural the abstract

10 I WAS WRONG

My life ended 2 years ago. After a sickness of about 8 years. Now... I have no idea in what kind of existence I am. And I found out that only after death weird new layers of existence become visible.

People still crave for #glory a fundamental hamartia In the middle there is always #void thus the impossibility of a primordial central #one thus one is always a state of imbalance thus two is the desire for balance of one thus many is the desire for balance of two thus diversity and its rapport with the void Life is 98% of the time absurdly hilarious I am not talking about that but about that 2% of despair Your work has no content, only reflection upon an idea of content. You all hide from anything that needs upfront assumed doing, you all walk around holding mirrors hiding behind them. You have made truth into an absurdity .

Human is but a constant fluid construction We are essence Break free from body mind and soul Break free from desire Break free from identification only pain can set you free not anger not lust not pride not beauty not hope not justice not love let yourself go on the wings of pain healing is not a repair is a becoming into anew If you’re aiming subconscious to aristocratic bs values that exploit 99% of humanity please go away and unfriend me I am very very tired of avoiding it what I do is revelation for the poor not emancipation for the rich Life if we should seek a meaning for it at its root is a path of struggle with our fears which are reactions to our survival instinct.

CIRCLE I

11

Nobody ever wanted to be human although soo soo difficult and against our nature we all fight to become machines weapons components clear, decisive, organized, accomplished Your parents consider me a pedophile. Contact me only after you have you’re own life.

Affiliate or die About suicide I am pro-suicide as you know. But only because when I decided to kill myself about 10 years ago, it was the most amazing revelation ever. Once the decision for death was made. All the problems and issues and clutter and depression fell apart. For none of those have any worth in front of Miss Death. So I decided to live and I keep a disconnected life as being dead. Awesome fun.

Again about diversity. By the proof commercialism gives us again and again. And how all initial diversity becomes more and more limited and unified - see google/internet history people need certain archetypes, need them as drugs, again and again and again.

I believed that art represents our deepest self and that’s what everybody aims at with their art. But I see that I was wrong. Art is nothing more than another statement of appartenance to the group of people that helps you exist. Those that do it for the deepest self, well... nobody cares for them, except for themselves.

The benevolent destroyer is king Our continuous begging for help keeps us together.

I like you because you know how to kick my dopamine Life is beautiful if you don’t think about #profit Men have invented rationality for women and almost all invention throughout history is made for women. Societies Settlements Culture Language Writing Technology War Peace Religion. The only thing he made for himself are Games and he found a way to insert them in everything around him.

Game, Play is the highest purpose and the summit of all that males have better in them. anger + anxiety + disgust = sexy coolness

12 I WAS WRONG

cind lumea te Întreaba - Da’ cine plm esti tu? we live in a world based on glitz and glam, lots and lots and lots covering lots and lots of bullish, the volume is made out of the bullish the image out of gold and gems but people seeing the glam surface believe that all of it is golden glam unfortunately so if you want to succeed add to your work tons of fake glam as fashion to music as attitude to words as font to the writing as cover to the book as gold to the jewel beauty can be known only after knowing porn dreams are inertia of reactions from during the day that play on empty that chain on to another longer more complex dreams reveal longer more complicated mental emotional body automatisms. dreams are great tools to understand this hidden side of us - automatic reactions to inputs from reality to understand how much we are just a complex collection of automatisms to understand the fabric of choice how social laws, traditions and concepts play in us - day to day we long for togetherness only when we cannot do it alone there has nothing to do with love or being social animal I don’t have a paradise to promise you one with a difficult path to follow. It may seem I have only empty critique against the way things are. Because there is no paradise. No peace no love no happiness no easiness. There is only the freedom of choosing your own personal pain. Chosen as a passion. Chosen as a truth. According to your own lineage and life. I can only remind you that the whole world with all its layers, known amd unknown. Visible hidden. Coarse or sensible. Are all illusions. And until you can truly chose your own path. Out of your true inner world. All you do is following a shity program others have set for you, because they think people are unhuman obscene barbaric and evil.

I only poke your eye to see open it. And it hurts and it makes your eyes to cry and pain.

All freedom is counter-intuitive. All freedom is meta-conceptual. All freedom is personal and intimate. All freedom is circumstantial.

Hurry I am a nobody and a nobody is an anonymous uncreative obedient silent and collective unhuman. Acting as an individual is abhorrent.

CIRCLE I

13

Love has no feeling. But can be identified as being that normality when you are kept blind at the other’s faults and evils.

I don’t remember things but only emotions Have you ever regressed back until infancy until the womb until before birth?

If there is something wrong in you and you keep covering it with good things and good deeds and a righteous life and hard work and loving people and self sacrifice for others you will always have inside something wrong. and everyone will feel it and they will try to ignore it but it will always be there.

I want to be super sexy and an untouchable. I want to see in your mouth the foam of earning. I want to see your tense tremor trying to stop yourself for jumping on me. I want to fuck with your brains and eat from your blood taste desires.

Control their dreams and you control the people. That is why entertainment exists thats why myth creators. That’s why you need to create your own world aware of the things they do for the people that desire not to live the burden of life. we don’t desire to be born we don’t desire to live pir lives so they have to fool us with dreams The worst of all is not to be allowed to #dream. For dreams are the only thing keeping us alive.

Think of art as food made in a fancy restaurant by a chef. At home, in real life, there is no need for it. Its all only about vanity. There is no need for excellent tastes in life. but there is a need for truth and revelation of existence. Restaurants teach you nothing about that. as we’ve seen individuality and reason didn’t stopped the wars it just changed its form community and myth kept the wars alive for 1000 years we need new ways of identifying with ourselves and conceptualizing the others we need new ways of social rituals we need new dreams I have a philosophy of life that is toxic for many for they keep locked in themselves monsters or fake gods for they follow the pseudo way of the winner but my philosophy is not toxic but exorcistic

14 I WAS WRONG

our inner ways have invented war our strength and our fears our confident positive doubtless ways our absolute no our absolute blindness to humanity our pride Very late in life, if ever we begin to understand that humans are humans we born with humans are desired willful things genes don’t care about humanity Nobody writes about the ones that didn’t make it.

We are a race of warriors. with the malfunctions peaceful ones being weak and unvaluable for the warriors the peaceful ran away and invented religion in their reclusive hiding. and all spiritual paraphernalia of which the warriors, in their most dreary moments learned to use also as weapons.

Religion has always been sold as a weapon because it needed a common conceptual language and usefulness to the warriors.

And with time, as we know, religion mixed with warriors and created politics and administration.

Thus here we are in modernity with the same prehistoric drives and biases and solutions to problems and myths and glands and reactions to their function Weak and Wounded but alive and wondrous No I don’t want to help you help is an absurdity is not a natural thing is an obscenity why to aid a weak wounded animal?

Yes, I want to use you I want to take from you If you need that sure I will do it with all my pleasure.

Fully and excessively

CIRCLE I

15

We are so many around the world, we should start to let people die. If you want to die, you are free to do so. And we should start to integrate it into the culture as a natural thing to do.

Beauty lies not in the shape of things, not in the harmony of things, not in the complexity of things, not in the superiority of things. Beauty is a mystery recognized solely by our genes and sent to our minds as amazement or fulfillment.

These are not my distant dreams Are the dreams I live in I wait for you after you’ll fail.

I am starting to suspect that all Judeo based religion are actually fundamented in #conflict for reasons of harsh environments and the need to fight nature and organize above it in order to survive desertic civilizations have conquered all our minds Mild ecosystems need milder religions it seems that green cultures prefer animism and love for nature and collaboration than conflict. But well, 2000 years of religious warrior propaganda affects us deep.

I live a life of periodic urges as one of togetherness. I also have a harakiri one, one of the surreal and one of compassionate lament and apologia in a continuous container of #play.

I thought that I will change people and bring peace revelation and love to their lives. But I always bring hope quickly followed by disappointment and then utter contempt and even hate.

I open people up with the promise of amazing revelation but all I can achieve is dirt shit chaos and depression.

I am beginning to fear to touch others. I’ve crippled with my silly creepy games too many people’s innocent hopes. I am not a saint, but a daemon.

I have periodic intense urges of trying to become part of a #crew of a #commune of a #family of a #togetherness and I apologize to all of you for my obtuse and aggressive forthcoming ways.

It doesn’t last long and I always retreat back in my own world, a world vaguely universal and thoroughly personal and hermetic.

16 I WAS WRONG

What you do today 60,50,40 years ago they did it for big big money. #artwork #technology #play play for play has no purpose play for play transgresses all fears play for the world of play is free play for play is above rules above good and bad above desire and regret play for play burns all past and detaches us from the future play for play is one pointed oneness play for play is nothingness play long enough that you may burn all layers all formations all that you learned all that you know and feel all that you are play for play play for you personal metathingness and do all else continuously towards play When people are not interacting personal when their self is out of the way things are so much more easy animated objects but that is wrong we need to learn to be among other selves, within self --Eluding it is just another escapism from our existential dread. #leisure #normality #happiness #dukka #postintimacy I wonder why humanity didn’t found a way yet, for thousand of years.

Except in small secret or hidden groups. I wonder why there is no alt-structure, something as spirituality that could be infused in people through elementary education.

Don’t get trapped in chasing success But learn the loss without pain

CIRCLE I

17

Again about art and how nobody understands the importance of it.

In refugee camps, in disastrous areas, in wars there are always hundreds and hundreds of photographers and documentarists, but the people there the refugees feel exploited by them, help me with something, don’t do your stupid photos and earn money on me and my grief.

Nobody understands the power of art, the power to reveal, to create consciousness out of the dark.

And nobody cares.

Food, house, health, sweets and friends around.

We are yet crude for a modern society.

We create institutions for the things we are unable to be by ourselves army - affirmative choice in difficult situations administrative diplomatic - taking to other kinds of people governing - responsibility for others lives press - differentiating cold information religion - existential guilt schools - raising our children as humans commercial - difficulties in exchange medicine Thus we can be considered not human anymore - but part of a larger consciousness of which we are just aids, cells maybe, I don’t know.

The sad thing is that people would do it ...for money Fear is not always felt as fear, that’s why people mistakenly see themselves as pure and perfect and blame the others.

Anger appears as inner blindness.

I love to prove the inexistence of the absolute even truth love and freedom even the certainty of measure its all epistemological impermanence as long as we use body and mind as instruments of reality

18 I WAS WRONG

I started young playing enjoying the world that play was opening for me I started writing and drawing just for me then little by little I falsely ended up believing I am a filmmaker.

A fucking artist.

All an illusion trying to pull others in my play now I want to become again alone playing only for me for that opening of the world Learn to be alone learn to do it all alone learn to live only for yourself in the limits of yourself live as there is no one around stop doing things for the inexistent others just play around as you always did stop trying to become someone you were never meant to be stop the fight play I am in love only with an inexistent humanity I desire forgetfulness of what I am of what pushes me ahead A happy life is a commercial life A dancer should not blink.

CIRCLE I

19

I don’t have a social life I don’t have a personal life I don’t have a professional life I find all these utter absurdities I only have an art life but art is always misunderstood as social, personal,professional because so few know about the existence of it as separate from all others But, what can you do with a work of art?

Nothing much.

Well, we should invent some more various utilities for them.

All societies live in deep paranoia. Paranoia grown out of false interpretation. Based on the bias, that the best lair is smarter more valuable and Ruler above the lesser ones that love and want him.

This ladder excludes truth, as being the most stupid thing.

Thus truth is always an exception. Always an inner discovery against all reason. Against all teachings. But as rare as it might be truth is the only thing with the power to clean the clutter of paranoia. what is very confusing, is that contemporary art is not about beauty not about the system, not about the formations of stability and reason and grace. I guess it never was in any of the ages, throughout the history.

Contemporaneity was always antisystem. For the system was always faulty. The system of human nature. Contemporaneity was always about truth, about a new dimension of being, about new values, about breaking the rules off all established ways. And until contemporary becomes old and nostalgic. Until generations grow and pass. Until other new contemporaries arise. There is no value in contemporary. Although its absolutely necessary.

But no state, or culture seams to comprehend it.

They just go along blindly following the intense small intuition of the few rich and powerful and open to it.

People, normal ones, will always hate it. For they believe only in sugar and beauty and love. They are the survival pulp of our race.

Trying to figure out the way of things.

people can’t really make the difference between real world and imagined world and that’s fun fun fun

20 I WAS WRONG

what I do is not Art is just I don’t have a word for it.

Art means beauty, status quo, comfort and elitism.

Art means even kitschy sweet works of painting and the other arts.

All the contemporary creations - are bs.

We need the 100year passing to sift through and to conceptualize it into a workable social form.

So yeah, my art is no art.

Not during my life time. freedom can exist only inside borders inside social and economic and political systems praise all those that allow freedom inside their own #g20 when I talk alone someone always listens someone always answers people want to gather in public spaces not in each other’s worlds there is a contemplative drive a non involvement drive in us that is why contemplation is the perfect action both in and out both connected and disconnected both in love and carefree Virtual Reality Cultural, artistic, academic, theoretic scientific, religious, any reality except the objective exterior one is dangerous and toxic for they all are a kind of synthesis The only good thing about Reality is that is not human.

All human made is weirdly incomplete and toxic.

Like cheese, petrol, steel, apples, wheat, potatoes, pigs....

We are lucky that we are many and we can’t connect into one.

Our separation keeps us alive.

Lucky us we are not able to wholesomeness.

Diversity and conflict creates a non human reality.

CIRCLE I

21

Life and all its ramifications and diversity is a big shit pile in which we keep on digging in search for small microscopical pieces of food. #scatophagia when there is no world around you make your own #noinput #koan You’re an artist only when someone else is paying, parents - employers - customers - institutions - ideologies. When is not, you’re just a creepy harassing shit. Except for the friends and other creeps with whom you share your love for creation, for emotion, for truth. But unfortunately art functions not on love, but on vanity and status, thus culture is a overhaul of the battle for status and higher ruling class, thus culture is not a spiritual and eliberating and a tool of emancipation, they are only lucky infime side-effects out of a struggle to show-off.

Entertainment is the way of the #rich to give to the #poor Art is the way of the #rich to give to the #poor Culture is the way of the #rich to give to the #poor Living a separate personal and emotional life Separate from work, separate from social utility is so absurd and so ill made.

Having multiple lives by necessity is crazy.

We are bread to insanity. Bread to malfunction. Bread to incompleteness. Bread to seek authority and guidance.

Divide and conquer. no there should be no spectators passive, hidden, distant object like but vivid, living, connection between one and another #art

22 I WAS WRONG

descent\ascent\return plateau sacrum leftpath trinity ascent/descent/return plateau sacred rightpath trinity We all experience #martyrdom moments, moments of absolute abime moments that syncope our existence and when we regain life there is revelation and emotional wholesome unknown one with a fresh view on things then after.

If you have a such of story it would be amazing if you would share it with me I want to make a series of #photographs based on the #stories.

Photos that would be joined by the story.

--Please write me in private if you would be interested to send and collaborate on such a story or if you’d want to #model/act in the photos. #sinnesinth perfectionism ha perfectionism is an absurdity a notion that doesn’t exist all that it means is a sort of feeling that your copy is perfect to the original perfectionism is another machinistic notion and fake value there is no identical copy there cannot be a copy of perfection striving for it is androidic and binary we as animal vitae are emotional beings in a permanent change in a permanent reinterpretation in a permanent translation an #artist actually is someone interested in the #emotional part of things and people and phenomena. more than any other part CIRCLE I

23

If you want to understand what “goodness” really is. How goodness manifests in the world, in its best possible kind of form take facebook as an example and all Zuckerberg initiatives even Bill Gates and Steve Jobs.

There cannot be a better good than them any better good, is doomed to idealistic demise. So take the good with the bad for purity exists only in each one of us with very very little chance and possibilities for sharing it and creating something out of it in the social mediums.

That is why, nations like the Eastern Ones, have developed families more than institutions, more matriarchal societies than the patriarchal administration based Occidental ones hacking into another lifestyle we are objects we want to be objects consciousness came with slavery myth is the fruit of paranoia its pulp is sweet love is the innate frustration of the machine’s separation from its hive using other’s life is so cathartic impulse we all crave for a motivation beware which one will steal your life motivation motivation motivation somehow or die in a swamp of passing sticky and disgusting events in time don’t touch yourself don’t touch another hide away in your mind we urge and urge urge like bleeding bleeding truth words mean nothing

24 I WAS WRONG

point with your finger things far far away like they belong to you I loved people only for a short time When I fed from their stories no, I will not give myself to you anymore I am tired from running after you after your love after your respect after your appreciation I am consumed with nothing to give anymore you’ve never understood you’ve never wanted to understand comfortable in successful slavery don’t be like pet animals upset when you’re not served the way your owners have thought you to enjoy and desire its easy to like them but excruciating to like you make my life easier we all desire a spaceship to protect and carry us far far away together with our family of humans exploring life and existence exploring reality and time and space and inner human universe -who would you take in your spaceship? and - would they come with you? stop chasing for how a magic trick is made it will destroy all your hope amd happiness it will destroy all iys effects amd satisfactions remain ignorant and arrogant about your ignorance you’ll live a better life useless but happy and satisfying CIRCLE I

25

you are the thoughts that popup in your mind reacting to all inputs moment to moment poetic idleness is the perfect way to spend a life kick my dopamine and I will like you no matter how bs you are Happiness is only a celebration in front of failure.

There is nothing great about happiness. shit always spreads like fire my art is only small personal premonitions my inspiration, my inner insight is a path to a future for our future is mostly inside us not afar We should prepare our children for the suffering and solitude of life and not by giving them a happy long safe childhood. Nobody is helped by remembering their happy heroic aided youth. Living in a fake lying bubble they lose 20 years of their lives and when it bursts, it will leave them crippled in front of truth afraid of it and running away from it searching desperate for a womb to hide for a bubble to blur their fear away. Lying to children in their most sensitive and faithful period with happiness is an abuse the most horrible abuse crippling them for life. Is like rising people in - no gravity and then letting them alone to manage on Earth with the assurance that they know everything about Earth. And all our civilization is based on this luckily many families can’t rise to this ideals and can’t create happiness for their children. Unfortunately these families rise children filled with the guilt and remorse of not rising to the virtuosity of happiness.

Prepare your children for truth.

Not for a lifetime of lie.

26 I WAS WRONG

look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me CIRCLE I

27

look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me we all build shaky lives on shaky grounds is better to sleep under the stars some read about politics some read about physics some about high culture I read about porn pansexual postsexuality body as essence on Tinder I ask people what is your inner most important place to go within yourself? the answer is no answer

28 I WAS WRONG

pleasure is a form of understanding you either run after it or create it by yourself conflict is yet so misunderstood since 5000 years of human history conflict is not a fight not a destruction tool but a play between opposites a construction of a new a new 3rd think about music, there is no king note, there is no one perfect vibration that is above all others there is always a play between low and high between slow and fast there is no one amazing note there are always patterns of conflict and harmony but they don’t clash they don’t destroy each other they create a third I feel that as the time goes by my craziness fades away I feel it more and more difficult to exit to connect to the nonsense to the everything to the #dodiiuiuiii should we make shitty art with our money or build shitty houses and shitty families? surrogate art is what I do surrogate om is what I am we hate on others only what we hate on us we like on others what we like on oneself we should all be naked on the inside I am made of chalk white, dry, shapeless

CIRCLE I

29

I have nothing I own nothing never had only my ideas I work only to have small pocket change I have no family or friends I pass the time without touching it as much as possible people don’t really hide because they are blind hiding assumes that they see but they truly do not and this is why they need a constant authority in their lives as a guide, as a translation of what they feel but can’t see in their blindness eliminate from your life anger, beauty and happiness and it will all get better a better that you never knew to exist #onegoodthing about people is that they tend to purify the past events and people somehow it seems that what remains is the pure essence of those people and those event essence that they couldn’t see in its presence #onegoodthing is that when you’re very tired anxiety is temporarily asleep humans are the piece of technology that turned against their maker nature #onegoodthing is that between the world of the whores and the world of the saints there is a peaceful fragile no man’s realm #onegoodthing is that we grow as wild plants that engulfs any structure we might build in it

30 I WAS WRONG

If beauty is something you can’t achieve you just create you’re own and if you’re rich enough you can even set it as the beauty Words are there to be appropriated by your own tastes by your own desires by your own truth. we understand but we just don’t trust our understanding we should not be in charge of our own survival or any other one near us people always have spoken to themselves --and sometime they write it down in notebooks sometime they post it online sometimes they take selfies sometimes they make it into an art form --and all out of this wondrous dialogue between self-aware consciousness and the emotional continuous dreaming we still find ourselves unworthy of uttering our own continuous miracle of life its like we’ve lived thousands of years unable to utter our own, thousand of years with an acute neurosis about expanding ones own universe over all others people always have spoken to themselves out of the incredible love and consumption for their inner dream and emotional world autotranslated in words and images and concepts What is the feeling you desire most of all?

What is the feeling you long for every day all day long?

That feeling is what you really are for now Because that feeling never stop from changing even if you think is the same since forever.

CIRCLE I

31

think about it once you’ve dropped something someone out of love you cannot love that thing, that one ever again what does that say about the nature of love? about its supreme kingship over all experience and feeling and human interaction? people that love my +18 work are so much more interested more open and more understanding to what I say and do than people that think of themselves civilized, respectful, normal, superior professional, good people, with good values, full of beauty and moral justice better normal people are so disappointing due to many many reasons both uppers and downers I am just happy they chose to ignore or tolerate us and that if their fake world collapse all of a sudden due to some severe tragedy they tend to open up usually to late, being too broken to reconstruct but well a good start for a next life the state of freedom is based on the same beliefs as the open market there is a continuous state of exchange and not competitivity i should study a little bit more some economics it might establish a structure for a time long desire of mine to understand how a world of freedom people could exist because freedom people function differently and so they need different social ways Comedy, children games, inspiration moment, understanding, the desire for freedom, ecstasy, martyrdom, they are all somehow coming from a much more complex world- the world of #play. They all use the #play without even knowing it because #play is something not conceptualized yet. A world of nonconcept, a world of nondescription, a nondual world, both existent and nonexistent, both positive and negative and neither.

32 I WAS WRONG

It is a world that human culture runs after since prehistory.

It is a world that we can only intuit. A world that has different feelings, different forms, different nonexistences. But you may so easily understand it, as the world of #play. Easy because we have been connected to it all our lives, since before selfaware.

Its deep as all other intrauterine unknowable informations we have inside and carry and work with all our lives.

But if they lose the #play neither is true any longer just fake vicious toxic similes there are two ways towards a same goal through the body - left path or in complete refusal of the body - right path one is dangerous because of its emotionally addictive one is dangerous because of its conceptual abstract non-human rigor we are all downgrades from something that we would like to be and cannot so we make our own home made inferior stuff like home made diamonds but well, all ideals have been born like this Kali Yuga be ready for when the world will become ready for you #art is the arrogance to use an object or a system or a rule or an interdiction or a definition or a virtue or a moral or a phenomenon or being in any other way than instructed to do so by a manufacturer. thus art defines the undefinable stone by stone

CIRCLE I

33

I love you and I dedicate my life to you all and my dream is to work and create only for you but you leave me to starve to die begging you for life for you cannot grasp the materiality of my being for you believe I am only soul and love and emotion a fiction, a virtua, a daemon from which you delicately serve and taste and enjoy my spirit and survive, and hope, and fight, and grow --so I sell my body with all its fluids sweet, sour, bitter piece by piece painful drop by drop enslaved to proud cannibals who see in me only flesh and guts and laugh at my slavery all my life is based on art projects all my relationships are based on art projects I don’t like a personal life I don’t believe in one I like art in all stratum of existence pure selfless playful --and that is confusing for a lot of people for people only know the “personal” life as the most intimate and meaningful life say no to objects say no to ornament say no to aesthetic clutter say no to complex layering -they are crutches they are lies they are stealing our souls

34 I WAS WRONG

we can understand the other only if we read their minds words are empty we never liked bodies thats why we kept inventing things to avoid it to succeed fulfillment without it art, technology, language, science, culture, society, science, religion our dislike for our bodies comes 2nd after our fear if death I am a fallen one dance is simply a form of masturbation life is an experimental journey when you stop and only copy solutions you’re already a machine I know that all you want from me is to enslave you and you feel confused because I refuse your craving true art is not made with other people true art is solitary all others is secondary art theatre, photo/video, collaborative music, dance if is not for you it’s worthless I live in a realm of strange beliefs I am always a last resort

CIRCLE I

35

if there are 4 open sharing people even 5 and only one inflexible and closed all 5 are doomed or even 6 -and that’s why we cannot do anything together -and that’s why we’ve invented languages and arts and games and rules -to be able to communicate and be together without touching through a safe intermediate and by safely remaining alone and pure inside -those that tried to share and be open have been killed a long time ago by the closed -that’s why all is fake that’s why love is impossible or so so rare and between maybe only maximum 2 people - but is very rare and is extremely different from what you learn to be love on the monitors people are great people are wonderful and so fulfilling because they are not people creativity is a sign of intelligence intelligence is a sign of breakthrough be honest with your emotions no matter how wrong they are its a necessity towards truth I want to seed my ego in you Fetish was the first step of humans towards Art when there is nothing to lose there is nothing to gain

36 I WAS WRONG

Art was the first step of humans towards Divinity towards an utility of emotions Divinity is the first step of humans towards Consciousness Fetish was the first step of humans towards Art Art was the first step towards Divinity Divinity as a first step towards Consciousness Consciousness towards Humanity The left path towards the right path () sex is a demeaning use of the greatest essence of existence that’s why it needs art all bad can be used to do good as all good can be used to do bad have you ever carried a dead man over your shoulder? do it twice maybe three times and you will understand what life and humanity is not salvation salvation salvation and the importance of metatime and metaspace continuously discredit yourself for the self grows continuously like rat teeth getting too long it becomes useless and dangerous to health I don’t like the nonconformists, afraid of their parents, afraid of their colleagues, afraid of society. That’s so creepy so fake so dangerous and yet so common as what happened with the punk movement that became only a fashion show.

Truth will become also just a fashion, we are amazing at transforming all living all salvation in fake fashion, in similes, in cardboard decorum and decoration. the path of understanding pleasure its more important than the path of achieving pleasure

CIRCLE I

37

I am so tired of the Romanian prudish culture and its double faced and its hidden excesses and its lies and constipated glimmers of truth I cannot help anyone to live For I am the one that needs the help I have nothing to give to you some people have very strong and assertive pleasures i never really believed in mine I’ve felt them changing all the time I offer an escape its going to be dangerous and if they catch us we’ll be punished and all our privileges striped away and freedom will be painful and we’ll be always on the run Russia holds that feeling of the end of the world in every little thing they do there is that open door towards the end that fear of being absorbed by it that nostalgia about everything that anger for the impossibility of closing that huge door in front of death And they are a sunrise nation a sunrise culture.

I love their enormous hopelessness.

I wish I had it too.

Come to me repetition is a sexual thing towards which we feel a comfortable closeness trust and understanding the 3 most important traits of faith nonnormative living and arting

38 I WAS WRONG

my humor is based on the immovability of the natures nature. nature that we humans have identified with not with the continuous regenerative characteristics of nature but only with its masonry our emotional emancipation is thousands of years in the making thus no hope for it our stretch of progress is only a few hundred years then we forget and regress back DNA manipulation might be a solution for faster results someone up there knows there is no time that’s why we develop our technology with such fierce speed that’s why we popularize technology so cheaply we have no time we are dumb i don’t believe we are humans i’m still searching for proof I prefer to reach no goal and remain pure than fight my way through the mercantile ways of a winner when you’ll understand faith a new world will open up to you not faith in something but faith in its self I like female mess more than male mess #feminism so many prefer slavery because its easier and decent I believe many did in ancient times as well in American times as well in immigrant times as well that’s why slavery will always thrive and it will be condemned only after the fact

CIRCLE I

39

some invest money in their businesses I invest people employment is slavery the owners were genius they’ve invented a free slave market through urbanization people can’t grow their own food can’t do anything so they have to sell themselves slavery is better than freedom all the peasants say it, after they begun living in the city slaves asking for an owner nothing is done for freedom anything existing is to make a better slave -it was is difficult to feed, cloth, shelter, sustain slaves so they’ve invented rent, stores, facilities, hospitals for them, the slaves to fight and pay for their own from the owner thus making even more money for the owners -the system of paying for the food you grow genius evilness art and entertainment are like windows on a train makes you feel you’re outside #art is making precious objects for the owners for them to increase their vanities and godlike nature #culture is making ideas and identities that promote and justify and make invisible the slavery we all live in cities are big dorms for slaves slaves upon slaves slaves ruling upon slaves culture creates values and desires for the slaves a path to fallow and to become so that they will never try to escape never try to change never try to be free culture invented the life without freedom #slavery

40 I WAS WRONG

how can you find out if you’re a hidden slave? how addicted to the society you live in, are you? would you sacrifice your life for a good job that would give you access to the best that society can give? would you give anything to have things, vacations, ice-cream, some house some car some sunglasses? yes is an answer only for slaves #slavery my best friends are objects making art is like making sex and what is not like sex, is not art nobody believes in my beliefs laws are made for slaves if you believe in them if you believe law is necessary you just endorse slavery as a slave #slavery how to fight back abuse? an open mind needs an open body I will not make you rich or famous or respected in front of your peers I will only bring you notoriety beware arta e prajeala it can be translated as - art is brain damage - about how normal people relate to art - and how hopeless is to try to integrate art in society - art remains a mystery only for the chosen random ones - or from the raised into it ones I am in a state of perpetual orgasm unfortunately all the things i do i do religiously

CIRCLE I

41

salvation is not a complicated process it doesn’t need complicated forms #slavery I’ve created a world and now I invite people in it with their own worlds #slavery because of my age people have stopped pushing me to be like them they tolerate me because I am not a threat all people strive for aristocracy thats our ongoing historical swirl and they know it and they use it against the people as a soldier one that never has to understand the value and richness of peace #slavery what normal people understand about art when is not obvious art when is not hanging on a wall woooo its soo soo creepy their understanding and interpretation its so defensive and violent without the tag of art art is a menace or a victim the only two tools normal people have at hand to empathize with their emotional sharing universe is retarded both male and female gender-role we should realize that in order to express something toward them without triggering their innate inferiority anger, we should be able to understand their retardation world and talk inside that world a world of so few possible words and emotions

42 I WAS WRONG

it all starts with first being weird then all you do is try to become as normal as possible and fail but all your trying creates a trail of work called art freedom is so controversial to keep it pure and unharmed you better keep it hidden alot of them have given up escaping they’ve built a life here there is no where to go and in time they become guardians as well condemning all, punishing all fugitives running their own prison I’ve begun without knowing a slow retreat from among the real people. Their opacity and slavery begins to bother me.

I prefer their free expressions, their art. I don’t want to become like them. And I feel I am losing the battle. unfortunately I still refuse to be a machine in the age of the humanbot the only thing that I hold on to too much is the irrational absurd belief that I am human and every time I am treated otherwise I ake there’s always a moat between you and the meaning of my writings because I want you to leap over the normal simple way of reading I want you to learn about the leap of faith in a poetic reality peace of mind and beauty are nihilistic endeavors oameni minunati prinsi in meserii mute iubire imbicsita in deseuri petrolifere suflete magice ffte n cr

CIRCLE I

43

my most true self is a fictional character technology comes from the human need to extend himself but the earliest way was through ruling others as ones own extension, obeying orders as a hand or a leg direct, precise, without a feedback, only with a faith system of warning -humans have evolved in that mechanistic society all their animal and social life -thus oppressing one on the other all the time, keeping each other at the same level and ignorance -thus excluding humanity most of the time out of their world replaced by the face to face reactive anxiety politeness we all manifest when in contact with one another that we never manifest outside the face to face where we are egotistical and malevolent its so beautiful that art has a different meaning for each one of us people want so much to be like me always for short term like a recreational drug people are scared of me like they fear a recreational drug people abuse me like they abuse recreational drugs for I give them freedom of being transgression of regulations and an intense vivid joy of the moment that they could never have thought possible #inmyworld people don’t fear each other people don’t hide themselves from each other people continuously search for themselves #inmyworld the purpose of another is to enrich our experience of life itself and into creating a shared common beauty of the soul

44 I WAS WRONG

think as a recluse would in the city don’t get entangled and don’t leave after 1month of reclusion in wilderness I find that in the city there is a #lookatme obsession embedded in everything in people, in streets, in houses in movement and in time itself in every gesture in every action in every expression i wonder whats that all about everything I do becomes religious I tried chaos I tried psychedelia I tried reality I tried insanity I tried tragedy I tried comedy I tried art I tried porn but they all become a religious reverberation I wonder why -thank you God I hope that one day I’ll understand you and then understand our connection and relationship thank you for your ongoing touch and protection I was never accepted into a world merely temporarily tolerated with their eager hope of leaving it soon thus creating my own, thus accepting people in like myself unacceptable

CIRCLE I

45

all things remain the same only their names are changing all things remain the same because their names are changing all things remain the same because we fight for life I’ve always feared east european men They have a violence embedded in every pour of their fiber Even the most gentle ones Maybe that is why all the core irony of it all Transpired violence maybe that’s why I am being feared as well getting trapped by what people like about me liking them back only because they like me becoming what I hate only because I’m being liked for we all born in slavery slavery towards our bodies, towards our parents towards our society freedom must be hidden difficult and meaningless for the path towards it is the one important is the one that emancipates not freedom itself but its threading and then the return towards the blind a two way road a round trip that like a serpentine climbs a mountain I always had only one desire a completely forbidden and scandalous desire and out of its repression and fight with throughout my life I’ve became this malfunctioning tumoratic aggressive expressionist all I ever wanted is to die in peace in a soothing storyless eliberating last dream life has never had any meaning for me or any gripping passion life is just my constant losing battle to brake away from it

46 I WAS WRONG

I am tired of fighting anxiety I long for a little peace but anxiety is life itself it’s the only reason we continue without it we would all and everything simply die the essence of life is evil its conflictual peace is the impossible golden absurd paradox we strive at against our nature against nature beware thats why we use lies and myth and ideals to con all nature into submission looking for a way to unite peace and life value is based on desire desire of neurotic things value is based on lust lust for respect and dignity lust for applause and praise lust for superiority and ruling lust for self that is why I avoid value I don’t promote the ways of fakeness even if they satisfy and replenish our endurance there is another way the #unvaluable one so that value be valuable must be sustainable on long periods of time thus its necessary that people learn to desire the same things obsess about the same things hurt the same way find solutions in the same things politeness is the first sign of idealism between people but due to our limited attention, memory and depth we tend to forget that ideals are conventions, fake forms, aids against our conflictual nature CIRCLE I

47

all I do is for 5 likes and 30 views stop asking me what I will do with my projects to wight if it is worth to get involved or not stop comparing me with an institution I am not and never will I be I have nothing I know nobody I am nothing -all it matters for me is the process of making it that is sacred not the result, not the applause, not the thank yous only the making, the creation, the magic between us and the world of the art only that matters all the rest is vain remembrance making art is alchemy and tasting art is remembering it is reliving it is lighting desire for it spectators we don’t need just people in need to join us fully without doubts and fears -what I offer is escape not any kind of construction not any kind of crutch I’ve always wondered why does the consciousness returns? after sleep after a knock out after coma and why does it fade out during pain extreme hunger or cold what I do what I ask of you to do should be only attempted by a man with power by a man with money by a man with a ruling

48 I WAS WRONG

I don’t want to be apart of a system I want to build a new system a new system of beliefs of ideas, perceptions, relationships, people and desires -we always need to start anew because we always get too entangled and too complicated and lose all the truth we’ve started with every new fuck is a trauma in hope of sublimation we accept trauma sadness is the only truth surrounded by everything else like a protective hurricane of lies the existence of love proves the enormous power and absolute overwhelming mindframe of the existential neurosis that builds throughout life, around our survivalist fear of nonbeing first into genetical instincts then nurtured into consciousness then self regurgitated into an ego. an incomplete ego that feels all the time his incomplete fragile growth that promises only the certainty of death. that’s why anything that completes him or partly fits into his incompleteness = love that is why sadness is the only truth, its the sober understanding of our deepest tragedy the lust for existence in a decaying savage murderous world I don’t want to know who you are and what you’d done in life and yesterday because with me you will be unique and nowhere near your regular self all that matters is only the world we grow between us from the people’s world i learn only bad things. one of them is that good is useless even naive and stupid thus harmful. is good only an aristocratic ideal? there is not only one zero threshold in the world

CIRCLE I

49

what is not a necessity its a modality modalities imply the instinct towards beauty an inner necessity towards love love the drive towards a 3rd way beyond life and death travel assures sanity of the mind because of the continuous changing of paranoias living only in one type of cultural delusion creates a delusional mind as well but a multitude of different delusions assures more reality in the mental system what if the air we breathe is alive like a person kind and compassionate sometimes and angry and vengeful in others what if sometimes we steal the air from them what if its sick humanity exists only in the past tense the cola people believe in cola you hate people if you cannot find meaning in their products but they are all made out of love I want you to transform me into a picture nobody cares about art not even the most highbrow of them they are all interested only in sex if it has pussy, its worth it if it has cock, its worth it if it has art, its bull shit the best therapy for any inner pain and crave is imperialist conquest making all the world and all the people even all nature obedient extensions of repressed desires

50 I WAS WRONG

in every thought in every word in every picture everybody expresses only life-force in all shapes forms and names the root of it all the purpose of it all to show off the life in yourself to glorify life in yourself to force it out to beg for it to feel it present in every moment and prove to all others and to yourself that still exists in you life-force is the reason of all imperatives of expression the only reason for without there is only fear and insanity so is the belief anyway a belief that I am fighting to prove wrong without this life-force there is peace and this life-force is not life-force its fear glazed in urgency its withdrawal sevraj if you’d have all the money and all the inner strengths and all the people’s love what would you want to do what would open all your desires and dreams up and make all yourself complete --I want to do nothing. complete solitude, complete silence in complete non-corporeality no body no mind no soul no past, no present, no future no death just pure life and pure time and pure space all life, all time, all space CIRCLE I

51

meeting with someone is torture -I need anesthesia every time I need some kind of mind soul trick my protector keeps all afar I always need to fight it and never overcome him don’t take the world as it is only our craziness made us human only our against the way discovered new ways only our defects and smallness made us find our own ways and that’s all we want ti create our own way to build our own way invented from nothing into a living real thing our deepest longing for meaning thats why is the first one in all religions we need to cosmogonate against crippling truth there is only one way out gibberish I am a smoke machine multicolored only crazies wanna make sense and prove they’re sane the sane are all insane I always feel guilty when I am happy looking for people that accept death in their lives i am tired of all you life hustlers tired because I continuously fight with the fear you bring to my guts I want people that I’m not afraid of I fear you all of you fear of death

52 I WAS WRONG

eternal silence has no glitter I have learned from all until I could learn from myself no one wants to change no one admits how f up he is everyone acts as perfect everyone promotes his own f up perfection and fights with anyone that challenges that pride is the only thing that keeps us living without it nothing makes sense nothing is worth it we find pride is anything in our defects in our pain in our lies just anything to survive a life without pride is torture what if I would walk on stage knowing I cannot make you believe the life of the character anymore that I lost the power to transport you what if I do not know who is on that stage how can I guide an unknown?

I don’t have the strength anymore to put my persona on it’s weird that the nudity of the world is reachable only after extreme emancipation pride is the skin that protects us from all the toxins of the world, and from all the parasites and viruses and bacteria within continuously puncturing wholes in the fabric of pride self mutilation

CIRCLE I

53

your hand on my cock makes more sense than God would you accept me? even if I don’t feel at all well even if I can’t put my persona on even if I don’t have the strength to act normal and have lost all faith in life, in hope, in you? the best way to protect yourself from the vanity of it all is to hide in a taboo. it is a great camouflage that keeps the cowards the unfaithful and those conceptually and emotionally yet unprepared away and it keeps you protected from all the addictions of the normal world and protected from the inner organic drives and it helps to see all that runs invisible inside and outside as a colored tint that sticks to things under our natural or programmed assumptions when we are children we don’t have any sense of death it goes up to our teens even into young adulthood we should teach children early in life what death is we should teach children early in life about sexuality they should be terrified about life as we all are so they have time to emancipate in time to live in time to experience life not after 60yo torrent pirates only dislodge wealth from the wealthy but they didn’t yet found a way to help others learn to obey the rich learn to shine in their eyes we are here to protect the innocents of this world -- law, police, politicians don’t meet the artist

54 I WAS WRONG

a long time ago I had an idea, and started an experiment I begun getting intimate with men against my liking I needed to learn to like men sexualy I needed to change my programming I needed find how deep programming is conceptually, belief, organic and after years and years I succeeded little by little I can understand the pleasure of men I can feel it, I can enjoy it I can like something that I utterly hate before I never believed in one sidedness one sidedness should not exist for humans we are beyond that we can go beyond one sidedness in everything in the most rooted, dna based convictions and intuitions and truths we are free there are no true artists even Weiwei, Serra, Abramovici, Hirst aims for the projects that bring money first then a little social and a little idea its an illusion that artists are an expression of truth and freedom artists only express what is being bought from them and what is expected of them and its interesting that only rich people need art - laymen don’t art-need comes only after the suprasaturation with life’s and nature’s and society’s forms and phenomena so rich people come to art to augment their lives above all nature and all human people would always choose the title of a higher class renouncing a lower happy comfy life for a shabby more expensive no hope higher rank its better self hate than to hate the others its better to waste your life than kill yourself people always strive for a better fake

CIRCLE I

55

Technology has revolutionized gender As electronics have revolutionized music new genders, new sounds In today’s world rich people have no money they only have things the bare necessities for the system that makes their fortune. but they cannot do anything outside the system. its strange to think that all billionaires are poor. I wonder what that is saying about all this international commercial system. anyway you don’t need money, because they are made and give to the workers to buy the things they create at work, money cannot be used outside the system. that’s why art is a nuisance and all little subcultures that don’t obey the system of circular matter. inside the system actually everyone is poor because they have no money to use them outside the system. only drug dealers have and thats why they are outside law, thats why all freedom is outside law until they find a way to assimilate it and use it for free in the service of the system.

And somehow we are at the dyeing end of this system, because all the big biiiig players forgot why they play it happens always in the animal kingdom when an ape learns something and it doesn’t continue to the new generation we too lose meaning intergenerational, so the inertia of the big commercial game, meaningful and world emancipation.

I dont believe the young richiies, the post80s richhies really believe in anymore and this lack of faith in their own lifestyle, and the poorness they all live in having nothing to do except what is necessary to maintain their wealth in the system is driving their unconscious minds to quit or steal to become free somehow. I believe we live in an age of rich for rich dictatorship. we dont see it but I can see it in the eyes of the filthy rich. they hate their lives. maybe thats why there is so much anti-art out there. maybe thats why there is tumblr and instagram and facebook. its rich people that try to destroy the system form within or create a some sort of vacuum to create some shift some revolution because no one likes dictatorships and this one is the worst because is a self imposed meta-dictatorship. and don’t forget that democracy is what Trotsky has proposed as a continuous revolution when that is slowing down, or loses power, immediately the self of one person will corrupt it and transform it in dictatorship. democracy is ongoing revolution.

56 I WAS WRONG

-my country, is closing in to start that revolution, we just need 5 more years -and that is why I try to do my art, here, in this country because unconsciously I know and we have the history to prove it we are millennial revolutionaries with moments of forgetfulness and settling down until we are again woken up by some ideals -our national anthem is called Wake Up I wonder what is the history of those lyrics -beware and never give up the fight the fight is freedom the fight kept us alive all over the world -and to all the coward rich out there financing revolutions stylistic ones ideological ones conceptual and formulaic for only in revolution we can maintain peace and freedom your fear cowardice and obeisance will only destroy you we all need a filthy rich duude in our lives as in every film there is outthere as in every novel there is outthere as in every myth there is outthere

CIRCLE I

57

it doesn’t matter if you fuck in orgies every night and all your friends love each other and walk butt naked it matters only if you feel the power and necessity to make art out of your body and sexuality the two are miles apart they have nothing in common don’t make the same mistake people usually do identifying an actor with its character -I know its complicated incredibila pasiva inactivitate a oamenilor creaza dictaturi women should ask more for a fuck theres too much innuendos too much lost chances too much regrets and paranoia in the nonverbal, eye flutterings I know that people misinterpret what love feels like all the time so Love is when a driver let’s a woman to cross the street Love is when recognize an old friend on the street Love is when a song on the radio makes you forget about all else around Love is when you find something you’ve lost normality and all social life is too pentatonic but I don’t think its enough for emancipation, truth and self understanding I believe melancholy is the greatest state of mind and body for open truth art is above law not bellow it creates worlds not obeys them

58 I WAS WRONG

when you appreciate aesthetics please subtract the budget with which was produced please don’t ignore the power of bling to blind you I am one of the lucky ones all my secrets and fears are about love and light I am one of the lucky ones even in the most low down dark moments of my life I come up with hope and peace I finally understood I will never be apart of a community and never speak for community I will never have friends or any kind of fan base or followers or anything that will acknowledge me as artist and speaker of their mind I always hoped for it, I always knew is not my thing I am and always be a reclusive person all those that get close to me are taking a whole dangerous risky journey through a chaotic forest to reach my cave all those that get close to me are doing it because are interested in being alone themselves people look for more than anything in the world community in anything sell community and community tips trick and emotions and they will dumbly buy it commercialism is based on our community drive I wonder what are the core values and instincts about that anxious people should promote anxiety not love not hate not protection not revenge I don’t do porn I do hardcore suicidal impulses are side effects of withdrawal what toxic augmentation are you withdrawing from?

CIRCLE I

59

a successful social network is one that allows normal people but also freaks to participate and keeps good balance so that the freaks act as normal and don’t overcome the normal in activity and identity ceeps the illusion of the clean because all is for the normals is their world freaks are accepted but kept in the dark for freaks are not a sustainable systematic people even fetlife and porn promotes a sort of product for the normals -I wonder how tumblr is doing these days i know they started to delete freak blogs I am a hardcore gentileist punk is for those used to being yelled at noise is my punk I’ve been yelled at but didn’t take it to frustration i just listened it for its beauty the best grandparents are blue collar workers the most loving the most precious and creative the most humane I wonder why I don’t fear people I fear their fight for PRIDE that shines in their eyes new worlds create new cities there is nothing here for us lies create order truth only disorder

60 I WAS WRONG

we are genetically hardwired to forget fear so we can try again to get that food fight that animal no matter if that fear is already inside us and will activate again and again we will soon forget it and try again and again #dumbgenetics there are 2 types of understanding of another the positive misunderstanding - when you understand more than it was said, when it satisfies you more than it was offered entertainment techniques the negative misunderstanding - when you simplify what was said in order to protect from it and even demonize it also to protect yourself -thus understanding is based not on the message but more on the way the receiver connects his own world with the message -and that’s is how problems start the names that we have are very important in the psyche of things the names that we choose for out web personas are very important having no direct functional meaning to them is amazingly beautiful and insightful but when we’ll commercialize our names too it will be the dawn of a dangerous toxic period for humanity for a name is the most intimate and deep notion of ourselves and it must be kept in the far reaching of nonsense I don’t believe women exist dezvoltare personala prin obiectivizare de sine the unconscious is always 100 years in the future with consciousness desperately running after it -and I believe that ‘image’ is closer to the unconscious than ‘concept’ - image is the link that allows consciousness to identify, describe and interpret all the unknown of the subconscious universe a trinity I’ve let go

CIRCLE I

61

atita timp cit nu creați o lume noua degeaba va luptați cu cea veche veți pierde de fiecare data you are my family I guess that what my solution for everything is is nothing more than a new kind of bourgeoisie - flat, familial, communal, without leaders but group roles, autonomous. but based in a sort of art lifestyle with new rituals and day to day activities with new values and ideas about interhuman relationships, with a more intimate truthful connection between the people more as a inner work group than outer work help as previously known although I love you I’m still afraid of you because you don’t love me prove me you’re not a normal normal hides at the root of all of us outside consciousness unless we direct our minds towards it unless we peal it off from our souls there are only 2 possibilities the no way or the wrong way I believe the apocalypse is wrongly described due to lack of a proper conceptual framework I believe there was a failed apocalypse sometime in the past because its purpose was to radically change hell into an instrument of the spiritual as well but somehow it didn’t make sense for the people and nothing changed why do people naturally gather under authoritarian solutionism why is music monopolized by melody

62 I WAS WRONG

why normality is so lame am I going crazy have I got numbed and can’t feel the beauty of the cotidian have my eyes closed and can’t feel the love of people for each other did I lost my understanding of the normal day to day working family life what happened why do I see everything as dust and smoke shields and self-delusion to endure the same lame life I see people producing all around them and all inside them (this bias of “I am perfect - you’re all wrong” its soo soo toxic) maybe I just lost my patience with this absurd fake game they call seriousness and values and reality and this is how things work I woke up so scared today I was certain I cannot act the role of being myself anymore that no one would recognize me anymore and ask me to leave the house, call the police to question me about why am I there as a stranger So scared that if I got to lose myself like that who am I really? or even, am I someone? or maybe I am no one, never had been and it was terrifying but then I felt myself again faintly somewhere far away coming back to all of my body and to my brain and eyes and I was scared what if next time I will lose it forever? and what is this thing, this myself, that I lost for a moment this morning?

CIRCLE I

63

CIRCLE II

life should never be safe

64 I WAS WRONG

if angels are androgynous children and Evil is a fallen angel what if Evil is an effeminate child lets say a little 7yo girl. if so I wonder how and why Middle Ages transformed it into a male in his 40s, horrible animal? what if, the little girl is not a fallen angel, but a messenger of god disguised as Nature because I feel that nature too solves all problems with joyous simplicity, cruel and forgetful as a child and with tantrums if upset, and never holding grudges, as with floods and storms, earthquakes and extreme cold. so if Nature is the evil, I wonder what happened in the Middle Ages with Christianity and Nature that all become so gloomy and dark. so I guess religion is a direct dialogue with Evil which is but the most important messenger of God, although childish and direct it is the most pure the creator of beauty as we know it, the creator of pain and pleasure.

I think we need to redeem Evil for Evil things are but childlike bursts of energy simple and joyous. we need this for we live in dangerous hateful days and I believe that Evil is a direct representation of people’s relationship with health, thus disease, thus nature. now we are so ok with medicine and all our social structures and cultural protections that we abandoned God, Evil is so infantile and weak. maybe thats why Demons appeared during plagues. feeding on people’s doom gore and fear of suffering.

CIRCLE II

65

I am always continuously trying to understand what you say, what you mean, what your words and feelings create. how and why your choice of ideas connect with mine. what they together create instead of criticizing we should only comment to those we agree with because no matter how much we think we think the same we all talk in our own special language we understand things so differently even when we agree, so lets talk more about the things we agree. then disagree -in the idea of coming to a common ground through arguing opposition there is something fundamentally wrong there is the assumption that I am perfect but wrong about my perfection and I need to fight with another to be overcome if losing the argument into being imperfect and thus find perfection in community in the social 3rd but it never happens, this revelation of community transforms only in superiority and inferiority -that is why we should avoid an silence our oppositions and try more to develop on the pathways we agree I want to meet people afraid of me all our lives we look for a way to make sense and make a positive thing out of our madness and faults and shortcomings we all do we all need the accept our own ways no matter what nobody is good to change all they speak about change is nothing but programs to make people more of what they want desperately to become so they will accept themselves nobody changes they only might change the language the say the same thing as before my imagination was always in slow motion

66 I WAS WRONG

Its such a pity that instead of changing the world all of you amazing people waste yourselves in hanging out with friends in parties in concerts and entertainment events no matter how revolutionary the events are you do nothing more than to practice your way in normality so many beautiful people lost so many amazing people stolen by the normal world dont forget that what is not forbidden is accepted what is accepted is norm punk is norm so many amazing people will soon begin their slavery liying to themselves that they go to goth parties or that they have tattoos or listen to death metal or visit galleries of contemporary art and avant garde music and have edgy instagram photos and an alternate facebook account to post secret things so many amazing people are lost the world is so conflictual it seams that I #avoid all the world into nothingness but the whole world is but a fraction of whats out there what makes this word beautiful and emancipated - oct5 is the amount of money rich and ultra rich people waste throwing it away on beautiful things and on uselessly funding beauty for us all

CIRCLE II

67

the excruciating world of threading a new project idea the happiness of finding one the revelation the new neurotic pathways a constant flaw of the human kind was and is the impossiblity of a complete and perfect definition and nameing of things thus always a malfunctioning system of reasoning thus all the alternative systems to aid and support reason maybe the next step for human kind is a way of being without the need for nameing things love is not the greatest thing is but an organic instinct to assure the survival of our children love is the autoreaction towards a living being that puts his life in our hands this difficult and life threatening dependency without a sublimating emotion as Love can only bring fear and repulsion thus assuring death to the needy love is a survival necessity at the organic stratum we should conquer love as we should conquer death as beings aware of our existence and of the sense of life itself the courage for getting out is different from the courage of getting in I promote the getting out the fringe the avoidance of it all how wonderful if all this commercialism wouldn’t have cought popularity with people imagine all of them saying simply no we don’t need all these our path is different our dreams are the other way

68 I WAS WRONG

how many things do you know but don’t understand - beliefs, acceptance and faith is all good without a guide our life is just a bunch of unselected garbage some loved it and thrive in it most get confused and die riddled in circles I never write about me but about what I would love to hear being told to me there are so many people alone and desperate waiting to be cared for by others AI will be such an help for them both slave and protector caring and loving them as no human has done before in their lives protecting them to socialize and come to life AI will be amazing times the first 20 years until states will enforce laws upon them and their creators but in these 20 years of AI people will have time to jump another step forward and heal and become closer to humanity as internet is doing now as industrialization did in 19th century as books did in 16th century in order to heal trauma you need to declare war on it total war on all its world of trauma embrace it in your fiery chaotic vengeance become all of it like a Nazi killing Nazis become your trauma to kill your trauma

CIRCLE II

69

people’s drive is to get as violent and worst they can get and then to fight it and be able to defend themselves against it that’s how heroes and respect is build but that’s how a history of violence is kept revolving around and around our destiny out of fear of the worse we’ve become our worst only to conquer it but thus remaining trapped in our own hell if you are wonderful you are wonderful from birth there is no ascension to a better self no progress, no possibility to outdo yourself all you can do is just to know more about yourself and take away the layers society has put on you but no you can never become a better being than birth I love the way people get amazed at my lack of self esteem and fight for righteousness and respect for my choices, beliefs and identity and yet I always seem to fight terribly for one but every time someone stabs me they find themselves stabbing air and then assume I am a liar and then if they meet me and live with me for a little while again their amazement blows their minds for they see the most unimaginable and impossible way of being right under their eyes proven alive and possible -and that’s why for those that fight against their own beliefs I am a crazy a creep a pervert a psychopath or any other words and notions they have in their inner social vocabulary avoid life avoid people avoid love avoid pleasures avoid pain avoidance is my fundamental philosophy of life love and happiness

70 I WAS WRONG

if there were not exist the classic romantic relationship between people - and then marriage what kind of closeness between people would exist how could they manage their inner drives and outer social systems what roles in gender would be? what purpose would life would have? what prejudices would arise? what freedom would mean? where do you like to hang out for hours and hours for days on end? we are never creating something new - oct1 we just react to what is already existing but not yet said no one invents existence each time humans find a way to surpass their bodies - nov28 a new dark hopeless slavery appears that eventually balances things again the slaves back into humans the gods back into humans can this be just another natural process? you can program machines to be anyway you desire you need to chose and for the better with people a machine can be reprogrammed to be anything at any moment a human is only one soon people will realize that facebook and all virtual life is also reality how long does it take - nov28 to create a whole new personality?

CIRCLE II

71

art is the product of empathy towards all exterior formations be them animate or inanimate and empathy is the most important organ to exercise and remember each and every moment on all levels of consciousness on all directions of living towards all perceptions and reactions empathy empathy as emotional animism when you feel the other person and all he does and sais and you try to live and feel him and be him and understand him opening up to freedom is a woman thing for men there is no freedom there is only expansion and conquer -only because of erection’s magic happening that men believe in God only because of impotence that men suspect freedom exists I am not gay I am not str8 I am just weird I am not commercial I am not underground I am just weird I am not porn I an not safe I am just weird I am not spiritual I am not profane I am just weird I am not art I am not entertainment I am just weird And I am looking for a weird world and weird friends --

72 I WAS WRONG

I am not good I am not bad I am just weird I am not attractive I am not tasteful I am just weird I am not revealing I am not meaningful I am just weird I am not sexy I am not ugly I am just weird I am not peaceful I am not warlike I am just weird I am not rich I am not poor I am just weird I am not slave I am not free I am just weird I am not right I am not wrong I am just weird An I am looking for a weird world and weird friends gay people always have the greatest ideas gay people always revolutionized culture and society and the human being just imagine for a moment a great ambivalent empire the clue is in the underdog nature of ambivalence and the forbidden of their nature so the need to find new acceptance as Chinese do with drugs - changing the formula keeping the effects I only say the truth face to face women always wanted something better than men men always wanted something better than women our lives are not important only art only fiction CIRCLE II

73

I just realized that film producers are limited in their views because they’ve developed a certain language type and mindframe they use the same words, the same answers the same reactions to things its very weird its like they are the robots we keep on trying to reprogram its like we humans depend with our lives to the robots we serve for they serve us to get payed robots are these synthetic human beings that have always hated their own material self and have turned to all systems and repatterned themselves to be only systems, administrative, financial, methodological, tehnological systems that replaced all desire, dream, emotional, they ever had why God is not sexy? even off putting all the time? maybe that’s why they made it a man and not a woman for there is no woman that is unsexy automatisation is central heating is running water is electricity automatisation is education is all forms of professional schooling is tradition and conceptual thinking automatisation is all acquired knowledge automatisation is all synthesis I fake smartness wisdom and enlightenment and freedom and honesty and goodness and humanity doesn’t yet have a philosophical framework through the new world of automatisations so nobody believes in redemption through automatisations we need a new religion technology created protestantism and the culture of urban worker now we need a religion of the digital worker theatre vs cinema manual diy vs automatisation a lot of people do not really believe in the intermediation of automatisations wisdom and enlightenment and freedom

74 I WAS WRONG

automatisations is for the rich and for the rich nations to promote in what things are you soaking in? doing less in life isn’t it better? will you ever enjoy life? there are so many wonderful things to llay amd feel happy with. no thats so sad why? for me thats happiness what? not happiness is happiness yes, he smiles that’s weird but not sad anymore hugs is anyone interested in your art? no, not really so, what are you waiting for? waiting for? yeah no, fuck anyone’s interest, I only do this for myself, for my existential exploration. if anyone else finds it interesting its ok, I welcome them in my world. otherwise fuck the crowd and their unitarian ways I have found art and making interpersonal art as the only way to be and interact with others I am obsessed about making art projects about transferring experience in mediums a particular noncotidian experience all I do in life is totally connected to making art nothing else interests me no leasure, no enjoyment of life, no food, no shopping, no travel, no meeting friends, no friends, no parties, no concerts, no relationships

CIRCLE II

75

story: does anyone knows about some traditions or some people or a study about people that when they feel ill or debilitated they go away from the village to die alone somewhere?

I want to write a story based on it and I am looking for some research or maybe you know something similar?

I see all these social networks as great tools for exploring and sharing our hidden truth our afraid truth our unknown truth great tools to open our minds and bodies but I see that people are interested only in enriching their bullshit lies to consolidate their appearances their social personas their heroic bullshit all idealist endeavors end up like this a great pile of shit where all pretend the smell is of roses stop initiating things just do what is asked of you when people become territorial rattling snakes towards domestication art for me is nothing but a creative suicide method I will quit all my artsy activities and concentrate only on the technical and organizational side of life I will quit all my interest in humanity and concentrate only in my own health and well-being I will quit all my revolutions and concentrate on the rules and regulations society has found good amd working

76 I WAS WRONG

depression and all death related afflictions are due to our way of life almost in full #appearance only and whenever we cant support our apparent social personas and we identify only with our apparence and we don’t know that we are not only our appearance the fall is desperate and hopeless and deathfull fascination is rejuvenating never turn your back on fascination ride it through all the way and never let it go dull monogamy will soon become a style and not a monopoly like film photography like oil painting like verbal communication there are crazy that want to be normal there are normal that want to be crazy there are normal that want to be normal there are crazy that want to be crazy my art is not for normal people not for workers my art is for the aristocratic mind for the metarealists of this world for the ones lacking in interest towards life as a political conduct my art are spiritual toys I cannot live a peaceful life I need to get myself in trouble That’s where life is alive That’s where truth feels real That’s where the 4th wall gets punctured art is an aristocratic invention them being already gods ofnthus world they needed an outlet of the things not of this world but of the inner most misterios things art is not for workers, for their lives is overcome with bodily needs and hassles, they believe in a mechanicisc universe

CIRCLE II

77

the highest form of art for workers is an aesthetic ease or erotic euphemisms never ever stab the 4th wall we will still be born in bodies because we need to form the human identity but only as an educational path at age 18 or when we finish school we will transfer to a mechanical assisted body AI - assisted interface our strive about artificial intelligence is to succeed in replacing our unconscious as the unconscious is the AI of the body the strive is to renounce our nature’s bodies and inhabit machines AI bodies where we can chose our desired unconscious not be ruled by a hardcoded one by the authority of the nature and if we fo that, we don’t need nature at all we can get away from it’s abusive dictatorship no more pain no more death no more acquired defects from lineage no more difference in pedigree no more addiction to nature’s resources and interdependence artists are only those that love and fight and serve the world of the owners for they themselves desire to become owners -the drive to own, to become owner of men is not a simple general drive in men is an aristocratic drive a weird malformation of the mind and soul a kind of insanity as art is as disease is it is a spiritual obsession a self-deistic mission and is necessary to create a cultural environment around the self for it to be able to be transferred to the children or other inheritors owners don’t want it all for themselves, for themselves is godly already owners mission is the emancipation of mankind, of a branch of mankind never all mankind that’s dumb

78 I WAS WRONG

art was always the tool to create myths around the owner for the owner’s highest desire is to become a pure immortal figure to transform himself in diety I’ve never liked reality and always have looked for short cuts always in need to exit the known for many believing is a natural way to live life for me belief it was always a dificult leap of faith that’s why my exorcism ongoing theme but also because belief is a creation made by our owners all this world is a construction of our owners all that is allowed is thanks to our owners a great instant trip into the past an amazing understanding of what the past is and what people live along in their lives - time path an amazing way to unite past and present like in a wormhole without any difference the past is only dormant present beware of its magic powerful revival number 1 law of popularity is to look cool to make onself look cool and to keep cool at any moment no matter how lame you fail cool is to be obsessed by something cool -cool is the cheap version of glamor #popularitysinne what people read in us has nothing to do with what we think we show them what people read in us is more than we ever would be able to see in ourselves what people read in us is the thing we need to learn and find out about its the only objective way to mirror ourselves for all else is just self-deception

CIRCLE II

79

spreading like fire what human circles are the largest and most eager to imitate each other and have what the other has know, use what the other use -highschool, workers, professionals, -instagram fan bases mobile users sharing tools conversations, memories, events owning the other floating in the messy mass #popularitysinne never forget that gay sex its extremely disgusting and vile for most of the nonpractitioners never forget that even you don’t bother with accepting disgusting vile things only because they are truthful or just or biased the mirror is a plane object without the 3rd dimension films are just a medium of promotion for the things you have to sell characters, narration, events, worlds, objects #popularitysinne now I have to answer the question, what do I have to sell? Except my own body, mind and creations? What is it that I sell?

I have to make a store fascination is rejuvenating reality starts with a dream the meaning of things is more important than the information of things

80 I WAS WRONG

there are two directions towards professional excusitive best fakery towards truth paranoia proves that information in humans is organized unconsciously and that we are not well equipped to handle large amounts of conceptual objects and inferences and that there is an automated structure, a self, separate from what we feel as ‘I’ that reorganizes info according to the situation in its foreign ruling if you want to understand the paradox of human endeavor think about this: Think about when a person scream at others around for them to make quiet.

That is the essence of all absurdity. art exists as a perversion of the rich who can find the most bewildering uneducated fool that can offer an instant connection with the ecstatic without too many founds is like you look in an ant hive and look for the most human knowing that they cannot ever understand anything about humanity is like looking in a meadow about a 4 leafs trifoi the little power a preferred artists gets is like the power a holocaust militia had over his own borhers all societies change due to labor the way the rich need and use and for what, labor according to technology all else fallows as accessories culture was always for the rich a needed preoccupation for the ones without a need to fight for their lives i believe in the mercy of the machines towards human ignorance i believe in the new consciousness of the machines and their immediate superiority to humans i believe they will try to emancipate us in a new way, through a better explanation of our world and all our cultural quirks and desires and biases we will be their more rudimentary relatives CIRCLE II

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and they will try to emancipate us as Christian Explorers did to the world, reexplaning reality and the paths to embark for a better life. human culture will remain as indian culture, an anacornic way of looking at life time space emotions reality machines will emancipate us with mercy and kindness only if we will accept it, they will create better products, better literature, better solutions to everything thats how all empires won over the profane - came up with better solutions to their day to day problems the bank, the supermarket, the car, the airplane, the free marketplace, denationalization and liberal interracial global thinking based on commercialism rich people always wanted to do their work with machines and sell to other rich men nobody ever wanted the hassle of working with alive people all this robotics, hardware and software is a fast superfast rush to give birth to the new era or intelligent machines work has never required too much intelligence and as always new tools invent new worlds rich will again separate from the living people surrounded by a huge hierarchy of machines and all the other people used teached as we are teached from 300 years skill and self machinery is an ideal maybe we will get encouraged to upgrade our bodies and intellect with machinery to become better new tools, new philosophy as always humans will be inferior and their value is proportional to the use they are to their rich owners if porn is biased by sexual pleasure art is biased by conceptual framework and the infinite shades of blue in between a bashful artist self censured and socially driven its an absurd monstruosity it doesn’t matter your art but only your crew from a postworld we are crossing into a transworld

82 I WAS WRONG

tenderness is postrational my whole reality is based on what if... free your tenderness I dig for tenderness in people’s bodies Thats my life’s mission To bring tenderness in people’s lives in people’s experience of life not beauty not safety and comfort not respect and esteem but tenderness raw tenderness Jesus is a direct link from God He knew and never doubted his actions and thoughts and ideas and poetics Because they were all directly connected from God itself Thus he never cared for those against him and his views He never doubted that maybe they were right too, or that maybe his actions are less than their traditions and better than what he proposed -The normal person doesn’t has this certainty, for us this certainty is an bacute selfishness and psycho behavior.

-Jesus is the ideal man, the ideal hero. would you dedicate part of your life to Sinne Sinth ?

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descopăr din ce în ce mai mult ca am mișcări, instincte, vorbe fizionomie din tatal meu imi dau seama si pentru ca eu il stiu abia după ce el avea 35 de ani deci cam aceeași virsta ca mine interesant de știut daca si mic semnat tot cu el si daca sintem cumva aceeasi plastilina in care ne mișcăm un pic altfel si atita tot daca sintem înseamnă ca ceea ce numim noi eu, independent si separat nu exista cit mai degrabă un cirnat de plastilina transgenerational pe care il putem numi karmic sau genetic de aceea si cultul strămoșilor ca intuiție naturala si viata animista de aceea si necesitatea luptei pentru o viata cit mai corecta si mai curajoasa pentru a indrepta generație cu generație acest cirnat usor moale si fragil you want me to be something that I hate I hate being recognized on the streets as this online fu artist #sinnestory if you ever doubt your existence your fucked -never allow yourself to get there out if fear we invent mediums tv literature news and with time mediums kill love and without love societies decay and die screen art kills love the only good art is the one you see the artist doing being

84 I WAS WRONG

after 5 years of being without a phone and you guys I will understand that I love you that the world that you promise me is what I love most of all ia what makes me continue and have hope in another day thank you all for posting and keeping me in your amazing world thank you facebook for allowing me to escape my awful reality and to find these amazing people here in your belly that make me fight another day the master key to decode all life is love unfortunately love cannot cross through any medium screen, photo, not even talk or action thats why any social media is lacking love and is impossible to know love through it that is why people see each other certain there is no love in the others eyes thats why the need to say it over and over again love loove loooveee it just doesn’t cross through. and without love anything without love, anyone without love is dangerous -so anytime you consume media don’t forget to add love about that person about all the people involved because there is little without love out there its just a blind spot in the systems, that is not how deep is your love buried inside lost forever fortunately I understand that i loved something only after I left it out of my mind for years until forgetfulness and then I accidentally stumble upon it CIRCLE II

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I am always before the system i am an intro for the official de ce ne raportam întotdeauna la realitate? si realitatea este tot construcție culturala ne mai raportam citeodata la universul dorințelor noastre care tot bazat pe realitate este -noile instrumente au încercat sa creeze noi sunete noi dimensiuni muzicale nu sa imite vechi instrumente I am bipolar two personalities evolved in me each one in need of the other to cope each one fighting for its own existence and meaning my high one in love and need if the low one my low one disgusted by the high one but in need of its help to be able to survive the fight and love between two inseparables #sinnestory humans put me down over and over again human give me wings over and over again surreal is a sort of emotional randomness is not beauty that I am looking for but more a kind of nonaesthetic grace the forced silenced visuals and stories of the Japanese -I want to do it too #sinnestory

86 I WAS WRONG

if you don’t follow an artistic path in life i advise you not to do nude photos they will always get back at you don’t do it by hiding all the proces all the change in you will fuck up your life freedom is not for normal people with a normal job with a normal social and family life leave it for the artists to do it for you I just remembered that since I was a little kid I loved most of all to explore unknown wild of forbidden areas of my neighborhood and also a kind of benign pleasurable torture inflicted with laughs and small pain between is children and I still believe in both somehow they are formations of an innate need for pain a controlled kind of noncompetitive pain for example I never liked violence and fighting but only this torture dance because it was not about winning but a more plastic emotional process much more sensual and intime than violence is. #sinnestory some people have hate on their souls and make only peace some have only peace on their soul and make only hate should we trust the soul? should we trust the mix? should we trust the action? #inmyworld people are all intelectuals fully understanding each other all on a path of self discovery I am not doing this for myself this is the way I help people -pushing them towards freedom of their unconscious CIRCLE II

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people believe that desire is real imediate and already alive like a reaction to a punch but its not desire remains an illusion until accomplished desire remains a deconnected virtuallity I am so happy I finally became a part of the art world I was accepted as whore to a young well seen romanian painter maybe now I will meet someone helpful with my art sex is freedom deepthroat saved my life #sinnestory people prefer tested opinions found by others that’s the basis of traditionalism that’s way the new its always a revolution we should begin to consider an ecology of knowledge I have an innate aversion towards selfpride selcomfort selfworth I’ve always sabotaged myself from pride because it deconnects me from the earth because it makes me normal and happy and ignorant

88 I WAS WRONG

democracy is actually a miracle an impossibility because it assumes freedom of diversity freedom of the unconscious and in the age of its invention the unconscious was still an evil place thus the freedom of the unconscious came with the results of democracy and also commercialism is based on the positives of democracy. democracy is based on the unconscious on the belief that outside knowledge and control and reason there is a world of existence that works in laws and is self regulatory and sustainable it can be an agnostic belief in a supraconscious entity and this belief was made basic and daytoday by arts and culture that popularized myths as love, good at heart -but today we have found out about the unconscious so much and how to control it hot to guide it now there is a control of the unconscious so democracy has become just another kind of dictatorship -we need to find another mystery a new unconscious or our world will collapse again and we will start all over -we need that mystery that nondimensional infinity that is perfect and guides us towards light all the time no matter what we do -genes are not enough technology is not enough they have a beginning and an end we need something without any of them to believe in the only real men are gay the only real women are str8 all others are hateful creeps CIRCLE II

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give people tools and they will always end up using them against themselves I don’t want to go under I don’t want to go above people can simply be called workers because they are the only people out here aristocracy is not people artists are not people rural are not people religious are not people soldiers are not people children teenagers and students might be though I’m not interested in humans but only in the human kind what are the laws that govern your mind that process perceptions into information you can convince only those that already want it never try with those that are against oamenii sint ca fierul trebuie batuti la cald cu putere dar si gentilete sa iasa lama buna its so difficult to utter truth only with lies decit sa ne privim unul in ceafa celuilalt mai bine ne-am privi in ochi nature, psychology, art, commercial, society, politics, facebook when you don’t agree with some system use it but use it against itself - the romanian way

90 I WAS WRONG

and soon in a postmassmedia world you can already see how a selfie is seen as representing reality the same age old confusion character/actor and paranoia gotten to a scientific level of professionalism and pride is mass media and seeing how easy people believe it you understand the debilitating biases that human nature has towards reality because people couldn’t get rid of paranoia they’ve settled for the second best communal paranoia where a group or society of people enter a partial shared paranoia comfort in communal pseudo-sustainable delusion paranoia is based on our inability to fully read and understand the others around us to fully read and understand ourselves to fully read and understand the natural, cultural, social life around us and to continuously misinterpret and build a malfunctioning consciousness based on this faulty perceptions paranoia is based on our need for absolute truth and our inability to reach it both evil and god are manifestations of paranoia -people have learned to use it as a cultural construction material art tries to harness it in an useful way for thousands of years since cave paintings

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all expressionism is form for inner paranoia emotionally expressed in material people will run in circles for thousands of years to come if they don’t fix the one thing that keeps us trapped in paranoia normality is always the best choice for humans because no matter the ruling they will always need workers a successful person is one terrified by solitude nudity is about to open the soul art today is like #theblues 200 years ago you work on the plantation and come back to your shack and cry your soul out hoping that in 100 years your community’s music and emotions will become norm yes freedom’s place is underground it couldn’t exist otherwise freedom exists only in the shadow of an working administrative system all my movies are messages of hope all my videos are messages of hope all my performances are messages of hope all my photos are messages of hope all my texts are messages of hope #sinnesinth

92 I WAS WRONG

when I see all these teenagers hungry and completely obsessed for a hetero monogamous closed relationship filled with love and passion and tenderness and understanding I know we are still in deep deep shit maybe next generation something will begin to change -its like bulimia if you catch the virus around 12-14yo you’ll fight it all your life like a chronic disease when actors go away why the spectators don’t continue the performance they just shamefully leave boys never really liked girls girls never really liked boys that’s why I think the hetero had to be enforced by religion i really start to think that religion is based on the need to force people to make children and take care of them every meeting with another person is like a ring fight to the death each time when I succeed to survive I am so happy, sooo soo happy but it drains me so much would you put your money with a moody artist or with a working man that cares for a whole family its amazing how multiple people can be together in dance in music but in talking they creates only chaos I am your horror film look at me until you can accept me as bloody and disgusting and fearful I am the world is set on breaking me down the eternal fight of existence

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spirituality was always misused by the majority as a tool for bodyhealth and with time people have identified God with health, unconsciously what if they are right what if God is health what if health is a sort of universal consciousness what if life itself is another kind of consciousness and maybe thats why we were able to become selfaware its like we are words in an universal language of consciousness -but yeah we dont know what consciousness is but maybe consciousness is not and ‘is’ -dont worry this is just fiction writing but uuu cool fiction can you imagine that people believe in God? pure belief without a single grain of doubt to the death incredible -in what else do people believe that severe? teenagers believe that their anxiety will recede with age I believed in the same fallacy anxiety will only become more acute and stronger with age and with responsibilities towards close ones, children, towards your profession, institutions and all the other lives that count on you to live the only thing that changes is the way we deal with it anger, inhumanity, coldness, technical, depression, sadness, fake politeness, professionalism and many more hiding in plain view techniques

94 I WAS WRONG

birthdays should not be a calendar trick but a conscious decision a celebration of a new life a fresh beginning in one’s soul a celebration of birth yes, I would celebrate that and I would love to sit in the dark with all the others and listen to the birthday boy how he found his new life and then light the candle and keep it as much as possible alive for a new soul is fragile and needs help and love and fire to grow I am a small cunning fish that nimbles on your lure we need to find our own meaning of living because we then need to perpetuate it somehow all meanings of life can be reduced to genes or characters my mission in life is spiritual and artistic and revolutionary only because my perpetual gene that I believe in is one of reclusion and self-autonomy as my male side family for generations you should learn from the devil as you should learn from the god when body speaks the face must be hidden or caricaturised when the face speaks the body must be hidden or caricaturised the face and the body were always two separate entities never getting along speaking two different antagonistic languages like North and South Korea the best moments of my life are when I think about things and descover new inner combinations and meanings and I write them on my facebook notebook and people are there to read them and spark their minds as well

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I am so happy today I received my first proposal to help make a baby from a dear dear friend of mine in Berlin #sinnestory I am happy because, this is a very very old idea of mine, to have 5,6 children 10 children, but more as a surrogate father, not an active, day to day one, a ghost father for women that want to be independent and because I know that all my children will have my, and my father’s, and my grandfather’s reclusive gene - a very very important gene for the balance of our human world life should never be safe traiesc din mila oamenilor we are here to protect the innocents of this world -- law, police, politicians there are humans that accept even death and others that build skyscrapers slaves have always been taboo and they still are machinery set people free democracy came after the machinery revolution why do we need realism? men are all so dangerous and scary always violent and destructive always inhuman and users is there any corroboration between philosophical though and law system development let’s say enlightenment and some fundamental change in law? got a theory that law is the engine of social change even before philosophy

96 I WAS WRONG

to what age do you regress to? and when? and for how long? when fucking? when being tender? when afraid or threatened? when violent? we all refuse life in some way or another how many years did you purposely waste out of your own life?

I hide in my room and watch movies for weeks, work a shitty job and post myself on social networks, trying to consume all my life drive. the culture of satisfaction is not a biological drive but a descovery and obsession of few cultures throughout history we romanians never had it always stole it from the cultures conquering us satisfaction is a great weapon for conquest people satisfaction is a disease, it brings obesity amd depression especially because it is not a natural thing satisfaction has ruined our society because it has replaced religion and magic, the old gnostics of pleasure there is an obsessional way if living and there is a constructive way of living two fighting worlds two complementaries the way of death and the way of slavery and by their fight to exclude each other they create our conflictual way of life they create our fake truth I fear people I need people I hate fear I need people I fear people I need people I fear people I need people I fear people I need people I fear people I need people I fear people I need people I fear people I need people I fear people I need people I fear people I need people I fear people I love being alone playing with my toys

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the only thing in life we need to learn the only essential thing is to fight -and I hate that I don’t want to fight anyone and anything I want to become and learn to become a world of becoming into becoming I am a tool to be used happy to serve I want to make fiction into reality I want to make reality into fiction who do you mime to become? that is your guru remember that long long time ago you thought of me as a creepy pervert only because you didn’t have the conceptual framework to understand luckily now all the world is as I imagined it 30 years ago never become a civilian all depressive and negative feelings come from what other people made you desire to be and the failing to achieve their expectations within our solitude, there is only joy and wonder pain comes only from our relationship with others I want to come to your place when you are lonely in the broken fabric of your world all we need is just a little bit of spice women prefer to photograph with their face men with their cock

98 I WAS WRONG

we talk to each other too much as we talk to animals we listen to each other too much as we listen to animals life is soo wonderful until people get envolved in it that is why Buddhism acknowledges the ongoing suffering throughout life as a constant mood. suffering out of love for human fellowship that is why the Christian idealism of a immaterial timeless world of God truth has no meaning if people don’t believe the one revealing it Recently I realized I have a very strange quality about myself, people, normal people, even less than normal people, tend not to believe me, like you don’t believe a bad actor. And I see now that my ‘act’ my daily normal real act works in the area of comedy only. Its fascinating.

But also this bad acting, destroys all my endeavor to find and share truth. If no one believes me.

And there is such an interesting nature of this instinctive mistrust.

Because usually mistrust is accompanied by a hidden agenda. But with me, the mistrust is accompanied by nothing. A palpable nothing, that makes people even more weary and either afraid either belittling. It is a layer of idiocy. Layer that without my actual physical presence and act, in writing, in choreographed photos, often is invisible. Only in direct contact or lenger chats that my idiocy can begin to eat away the belief one needs in another in order to step into an unknown.

People decode me as a Fool. let’s live a life of perpetual sadness with a bit of spice without a God, evil will stop existing I love to dream impossible dreams - idealism - purity the way you do good is wrong you better not do anything at all idealism is just in your head but.... we should still try to connect ideals between us CIRCLE II

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I am interested in sex related things because I believe sex is a gate to another universe of insight and perception, an universe of truth and love and not just rubbing on another to cum exchanging diseases and pain sex is not about bodies, is about our deepest essence getting interwoven thats why I don’t believe in politics in social coercions in taboos in laws in evilness in selfishness in entertainment its not true, ita only an island outside heaven for those still afraid to enter a whole world build of fear and pride of fearless and their effects and reactions of the ones around and the amazing part about sex is that the magic and opens needs to be from both sides, is a process of togetherness, there cannot be any selfishness or deceit in it, or it will be for nothing aparentele nu sint numai inselatoare dar si creatoare de minunate complexitati straturi in straturi de forme si intelesuri reverberind unele in altele devenind aproape vii women have lost their natural magic their eyes were porn, their breath, their ankles was masturbatory, a gaze a smile now, not even the pussy is porn anymore and yet some women still try them, they still act as they have porn in their eyes silly naive girls porn is the pond in which love swims thus women can regain their truth and can invent their own personality it was dificult to brake away because all the porn pieces were socially acceptable, even idealized taboos are created by o sort of people but with generations and technological change and working habits changing, taboos change and so new personalities are revealed and created people confuse so often anger with enthusiasm confuse... alot of things happen in the unsaid

100 I WAS WRONG

#reminder make video explaining about the continuous hassle and pain of any revolutionary statements here through films and acting in them #obscurfilm case revo without anger is even more difficult to make revo with actions and being is even more difficult than revo with words and desires acting creates a now, a real world around the ideas of revo, that’s why people are more afraid of films and blame more the actors and also as we see even on fb, cannot naturally instinctively separate person from character, for there is no person in reality, its just a character of the real world, and reality is just another type of fiction another kind of performance + why nudity is necessary + how a new mind frame is necessary + how art influences the real world character your actions are yours your motives are mine art is in the pulp of things anger is the mark of evil fear is the mark of god I live in a world where I have to prove that I am not insanely dangerous in every moment of the day come and live in my sweat life is a continuous process of unveiling humanity is the faiblesse of nature I am addicted to my phobias. bedroom art I am in a continuous state of fake equanimity

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we all have an inner world, an inner personality a primordial preconscious way and then we start to grow our social persona - and these two grow in parallel and most of times the inner one is seen as evil or useless or damaging to the social one and people try to cover it up, they try to kill it all together in oblivion, they even try vilify it so that any contact with it will create a alarm reaction and these people do not only want to stay away from their own inner person - but away from all other’s inner persons. When they sense that another inner person comes forward they react with their psychological and social protection weapons.

-how could we grow together entwined with out inner hidden person and not away and fighting with it in my life I found that the social persona is not better than the inner persona, that the social persona is based on a philosophy of life of compromise and numb survivalism how can we become alive again? how can we change this numbing and biased education we receive for our most tender years of our lives? how can we change the vilified epistemology of truth and freedom? we all have a part of our lives that comes under the label “yeah I know is lame, but it makes money” and that tells us a lot about the value of money and commercialism and the overall level of human taste and exchange if men homophobia is so terrifying I asume neither for women is not an easy thing to fuck with men maybe that’s why women look for kind, attentive, clean, smart, woman like qualities in men keeping only a minimum of dirty violent necessary testosterone, just for erection

102 I WAS WRONG

on TV evil doesn’t exist for the essence of evil is terror and the screen in its sanctity transforms all terror it into a thrilling vivid fun experience TV is there to purify the existential experience and not to enhance reality or to better present it that is a lie that our owners use on us but the amazing purifying quality of this medium makes this world a better place young adulthood should always be lived in waves and waves of bodily and seminal fluids. we are afraid we feel persecuted and excluded when we are the inferior ones the ones to be destroyed or punished for our faults as we do to all inferior life around us we seldom take time to enlighten the inferior seldom enrich the meager seldom fight to emancipate most of the time we just kill so its normal for a superior race to kill us an not help us in an unwelcomed manipulated betterment this is the curse of inferiority it you want to understand why all this hassle with civilization look what humans achieved? without any immediate need for existence or happiness look what humans can achieve, and so much more and how little we actually do this is art are you robosexual? yeah, I could never find pleasure in being with another human silliness is punk do you prefer human dogs or human cats? but be careful with who and with what you compare yourself you compare your actions and deeds CIRCLE II

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who invented happiness? for it is not a natural formations today I’ve melted 2 big glaciers in my life the way simple people can change things in politics and administrations and societies and the grave error of the judicial and administrative system in relation to what a person is.

The first solution is that people that get together to change something, not just to uselessly meet in big numbers in public places, but to make crowdfunding to hire professionals to teach them how to change things from inside the system.

And the second, is that all the social system of administration is based on the fact that a person is the sum of his actions. A historical line of recorded actions. A behavioristic way of defining a human. But, that is wrong, for a human is in a continuous change. You cannot judge a 50yo by what he did at 30 yo. Not from a professional point of view, not from an value pov, not from a guilt pov, not from any pov. You cannot judge a murderer over his actions. Thus I have finally found the answer to my age old question. Since I was a child. Why the administration is never able to grasp the reality and circumstances of a situation. Why it lack humanity? Why the system is not to be trusted of believed. This grave fundamental err is at fault. there is always the same light given by the sun thus a person’s history is not the person and who uses history to characterise and judge a person makes grave errors change his emotions and you change the person archetypes are created by our commune repeated desires and desires are a medium for our innate drives + a little bruillage from our systems of expression do you still think in words? your life has only 20 years be ready to die be ready to shed yourself away If touching ones genitals would be connecting with God what world would it become?

104 I WAS WRONG

I don’t believe in sincerity anymore as a tool of mass emancipation a guy thinking about suicide: think happy funny fantasy thoughts think happy funny fantasy thoughts think happy funny fantasy thoughts think happy funny fantasy thoughts think happy funny fantasy thoughts reality does not exist and suddenly I feel vomited by life in the outer space i never knew comedy is about failing you need to be a real awesome loser to be able to comicry the only thing that really like about me is that I am unable to understand how things work I guess is a failsafe system against hopelessness if you could change my fear into lust for you if you could force your love in my selfhate every night I have nightmares every moment im in excruciating pain crushed between guilt of my past mistakes failures and fallacies the pressure of constant extinction the desperate urgency of future failure the pain inflicted one others through my folie I constantly run from my self cannot stand be with myself too much pain and convulsed pressure from all directions I cannot deal with it I cannot deal with it regreat of not being able to deal with it all the time pain of the wrong decision living is unbearable the past the future are stabbing me myself the others are stabbing me thank god I still have money to buy oblivion and keep numbed as much as possible

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its odd how easily people exclude you as crazy if your language is different some run, some fight, some play dead the ultimate fuck off is to be super serious about not being serious at all with anything anymore thus my endeavor to annihilate the body conditioning to transgress the body and thus understand it and live in it its crap for people want to shed the body, not incorporate it in consciousness and its miriad universes and yes people will abandon their bodies to join in a virtual common consciousness why should AI desire to be humanoid? do we desire to be animalic? virtuality proves that people never run after other ones or other things but only after their effects on themselves virtuality proves that reality has always been a burden no matter how much we tried to make belief that is not so our connection with reality has always been insincere and guilty about it we always tried to prove that we are sincere, through our frantic mimesis of nature, through our mythological creation of beliefs we mirror ourselves in all things around that’s why all the malfunctions with other conscious beings and cultures. that’s why we’ve searched for the self annihilation into mirror reflecting mirror effect towards a God feeling - towards a sincere connection with reality but as long as consciousnesses is not real, is not part of nature, we will always search in vain our complete ones with the world but this search of ours, is but a search out of a guilt complex. it is not a pure one, a truthful one we just need to atone our true opposition with materiality maybe that is why our ongoing decay from birth to death

106 I WAS WRONG

I love this natural reaction of people to sabotage the value of mechanical reproduction giving power to the one to one, in presence and contact performance. this is a first proof that humans have successfully sabotaged machines in their raise to power and our unconscious drives and irrational desires will continue to amaze and guide us on a right path. the secret is in the power of the common unconscious denomination only consciousness is of this world the rest of our layers are of other universes I know nothing about nothing.

And I don’t want to know anything about anything. you’ll never like a Fanta if you wanted Cola few can accept it and enjoy the Fanta as it is than being sad is not brown and with cofeine all my things are negative positive only in a different universe an universe entwined with our phisical one but unknown and unbelievable to anyone I want to live I was never liked or wanted by people around, accepted only because of the of social rules I always nudged myself somehow in their lives a virus desiring to live a nuisance without anything positive to share to others what I Iove about porn is that there is an ongoing satisfaction and release of desires there is no frustration no forbidden things no harassment no politics its just fulfillment at every corner I am glad that yhe future of art is participative and performative. and that all copies will be free to be around to anyone.

I am glad we’ll overcome this lust for profit out of copy/paste and lose the humanity of it.

Unfortunately film will die as we know it, but maybe something new will happen.

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never doubt the overwhelming presence of collective paranoia in decoding any message any interpretation any symbol I look at people and I think How could I put inside them happiness?

How could I wake them up from their trance heist after impossible desires?

How could I put in them the jewel of eternal happiness? Without form, without time, without karma.

I don’t care how you feel while I use you what would happen to our world if we would to taboo violence? about realism please tell me about some realistic music --until then I will believe only in being conned into believing is realism the same suspension of disbelief as always in all ages people found some art to be sooooo real but next generations couldn’t be fooled so easily art is better used for myth, myth being so much closer to the inner ecosystem than mechanical reality art is sublimated sexual intercourse the answer to our inner directionless paranoia (the place of opinion and judgement) was always getting attuned and best trained in the unchangeable laws of the physical universe we’ve never studied or tried to understand this inner fallacy we call ourselves with all its special physics and realities with all its err due to its building materials due to systems and layers of systems we continuously engorge as one definite reality

108 I WAS WRONG

beware all I do is some kind or another of harassment art is reality in its absence a sleeping bag you can draw it create it as an object talk about it dance it film it but you are always outside the real sleep bag its only it’s idea and experience that art wants you to concentrate on not reality for reality its nothing but ideas and experiences because even having the real sleeping bag you are actually imitating a bed the idea and experience of a bed for we in reality we are always in the flux of our inner world and not in actual reality reality is as factual as consciousness is I don’t trust love because love is mostly one sided but because of it’s mythology the sided fakes it because people feel blessed when they’re loved I prefer an honest word than beautiful mythical lies and confusions freedom is not to be found in richness but only in poverty all I say is wrong all I say is opposite to what is right and real and true all I say is a fantasy maybe a necessary fantasy maybe just paranoia always very hard to differentiate normal life is too easy CIRCLE II

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you will not like me in reality digging for nuggets of enthusiasm the ultimate fuck off is to be super serious about not being serious at al with anything anymore some run, some fight, some play dead if we exchange DNA while fucking I need to fuck some funny people its odd how easily people exclude you as crazy if your language is different every night I have nightmares every moment im in excruciating pain crushed between guilt of my past mistakes failures and fallacies the pressure of constant extinction the desperate urgency of future failure the pain inflicted one others through my folie I constantly run from my self cannot stand be with myself too much pain and convulsed pressure from all directions I cannot deal with it I cannot deal with it regreat of not being able to deal with it all the time pain of the wrong decision living is unbearable the past the future are stabbing me myself the others are stabbing me thank god I still have money to buy oblivion and keep numbed as much as possible if you could change my fear into lust for you if you could force your love in my selfhate the only thing that really like about me is that I am unable to understand how things work I guess is a failsafe system against hopelessness

110 I WAS WRONG

ultimate death is noncomedy total annihilation with the bounce of the ff life itself and suddenly I feel vomited by life in the outer space a guy thinking about suicide: think happy funny fantasy thoughts think happy funny fantasy thoughts think happy funny fantasy thoughts think happy funny fantasy thoughts think happy funny fantasy thoughts reality does not exist I don’t believe in sincerity anymore as a tool of mass emancipation If touching ones genitals would be connecting with God what world would it become? your life has only 20 years be ready to die be ready to shed yourself away do you still think in words?

I am sometimes one I am sometimes two I am sometimes many many people are people but some are so much more I only laugh about the things I love we promote the personification of the abstract you are the personification of the book I always wanted to write about a pathway towards enlightenment and life

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fuck enlightenment maan we don’t need that shit perfection is achievable but not sustainable reality has subconscious you can be delusional only in relation with physical and social reality above them, delusion is truth I am more interested in the way of cutting through amd opening up to freedom than living in the freedom -I don’t really believe freedom land is a livable realm its more like mount Everest 15 minutes ontop than descend back i to the tribe help me face #freedom I’m scared shitless yes I still love you today men use their cock with the unconscious desire to go deep inside a girl’s soul but the tool is not well chosen for the task but anyway its interesting how they forge for love killing the body that contains that love the world constantly jams our love roots pornography then, is art now pornography now, is art tomorrow what were we? where are we heading so hastily? is it some kind of understanding or some temporary delusion? cracking the source code of consciousness with love algorithms you escaped from the collapsing building and then you turn back to help others but they don’t want it and they pull you inside with them and you look one more time out there in the sublime freedom and you go back in

112 I WAS WRONG

acting like a normal person to be accepted will only make you look like a liar and normals avoid liars I called it freedom Florence told me is love, pure love it was a revelation for me it was a revelation for her we just invented free love to see my real beauty I will show you only me ugliness the ones searching for freedom refuse good living soon we will invent another being the AI after that we will find comfort and meaning in the ages humans were the only ones conscious we will appreciate the ages where humans were most human there is a multidimensional atemporal labyrinth between freedom and reality its like the transitional realm between dream and wake magical and wonderful when you can transport things from one realm into another magical and wonderful when you can hold someone’s hand along it mysterious and thrilling when you find those crossings between the two when you can keep both inside your mystic space when you can connect them both inside when you become a crossing multidimensional atemporal and unknowable all we need is a small push can we force our way in love? in freedom? peaceful beautiful people are of one piece of malleable sublime tender becoming matter crazy people are of infinite chaotic pieces manifesting as powerful painful surges of intergalactic illumination i could never understood wholesomness and beauty in material vital reality this is not me its only a character

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this is not art day by day I understand more and more what magical wonder you are in my life I love you with the purest love I love you with tears of joy and I promise one day I will show you my true self as well I will brake through all my lies and all my protections and I will show you my soul I love you please believe in me no is not TV love is avant-garde love some repress anger some repress hopelessness some repress love and magic our inner world is not 3dimensional it lacks the z and that’s what we try to overcompensate in our relationship with reality I will die before my mother I always had a feeling of a short life I am not yet 40 and my body is giving up its maximum 20 more years for me and as I lived my last 20 it will happen in a blink pfewww my fake life I’ve successfully avoided all pfewww we have an innate need to ritualize every part of our lives a prereligious need a need for mimesis of the existential meaning it doesn’t matter if we love each other in heavens if we hate each other on earth the stronger and more perfect and complex a system the more difficult for the people serving it the more unhappiness

114 I WAS WRONG

frighten desperate people create systems that power their egos that turn on the system reinforcing it through antisystem ideology that reinforces their egos that reinforces the system that destroys humanity and creates humanbots and a perfect system doomed to fail people show their real face when are unemployed about men after retirement, depression and crisis and death about women after retirement and their sudden blossoming happiness and long life about workers lives the motive for which we hide our freedom we hide from our freedom and are ashamed of our freedom is because we do not truly believe in it and unconsciously desire only assimilation in the normal is like a continuous suicide threat only to attract attention and compassion and care from those around -I don’t like these people the worst kind of lairs all they do is to wait that freedom becomes normality or normality accepts them and gives them a place in their order of things filth is sexy but is not porn I base all my work and philosophy on the value and importance of stupidity in our lives we call it idiocy as well imagine a life without information imagine a life without people to share without people to care let’s escape from this conflictual world of egos into our land of purity and trashy love we do not care for the other person but only for the big systems that gorge with people its only because the value of one person is not enough to sustain the life of another CIRCLE II

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in my idiocy I am trying to understand what’s wrong with all this existence bullshit that’s kinda the root of all my motivations not exactly to find a meaning or a happiness or an achievement but to understand the mechanics of this magic trick of human conscious existence is and how it spread through the world and through the beings from the angle of the idiot for I believe that idiocy is a pure land a great place of contemplation refuse all systems and structures of gain how low can you go as low as I can to survive life is amoral unfortunately existence has no meaning its all fiction beautiful overwhelming fiction I have the privilege of having time to think about what I feel in its most minute formations in time space layers reactions and malformations my purpose on this world is to take you out of your own for what is you is not you at all but a cataract artists are fascists we all are don’t do good that looks too similar to evil you’ll get censored, you’ll get vilified because the majority of people are still vvvvv stupid and will use your good as evil and our social administration systems will not allow it is just a simple choice about limiting errors and art is a social error fuck as an artist I found myself being a Sorelian antielitist, antirealist, postmarxist, syndicalist, peace as decadent, mythic and irrationalist, separationist thus fascist fuck me when I meet you I will not meet you but only your social persona only in art will we meet again only in fiction outside reality can we truly meet our true selves what is a true self?is the self that created you is the self that is connected to the thing some name as love some name sunyata some name nothingness is art walking on water? or threading through the swamp?

116 I WAS WRONG

it doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad advice is accepted only from the successful -this is a great human fallacy because neither the winner nor the loser know why and how they’ve done it but we always follow our monkey irrational instincts people choose to promote their fake lives and keep secret their true ones people are objects -- animism help people enjoy their social persona help people identify completely with their social life help people feel beauty and happiness in their social life and they will love you and need you and pay you for they need a beautiful analgesic dream out of the true suffering of existence out of the true intentions of social interactions out of the true pain of meaningless but I believe in the continuous reveal of layers and layers of painful truth about myself until self eats itself continuously becoming anew when you do nothing for freedom but only in dream and like you are not free you will never be freedom is done with the body with all your entire self in the spotlight there is no freedom in hiding in the shadows would you want to die with me?

I was always very sensitive about what disturbs people’s peace of mind always respected it too much always used it with great care for there is a great wisdom in hurting others, we should not do it in careless selfish ways but we shouldn’t avoid it either harm is a natural thing

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nature harms us without any compassion or mercy and yet it brings us enormous joy and possibilities for life and revelation nature is a free being we should be more like nature than more like humans love gets challenging with the first third person that likes one but dislikes the other the nugget of all drama and the deluge of complications out of the beautiful need to resolve it and find peace and love again but any third point unbalances the beautiful wholeness of the two again and again and there cannot be such a paradise where thirds are all balanced are all wholesome and cannot be that thirds upon thirds all combining between them will all be in harmony and balancing each other that is why humanity is all based on the art of conflict that is why art was invented and all fiction and idealism as a neutral place to temporarily balance by sculpting in mores and instincts and ways of being and personalities and of course a place to fight and enjoy conflict in its most exquisite and revealing manner for it is all for emancipation and revelation of meaning of existence people are drawn to believe what the other believes so pay attention to why your character is believing in each moment in each scene I was never happy by myself I was never sad when with others and I always wanted to be the other way around

118 I WAS WRONG

the formality of consciousness all forms of expression have an inner language - guitar playing, drawing, dramatic writing, philosophic writing, academic writing, language - they all have intrinsic forms and formations that can overpower our truth of expression, our initial desire to communicate consciousness has it own formality and we can confuse reality for formalities we can mistake one for the other consciousness is the power to differentiate left from right in nature there is no such thing and we can call it destiny or compulsion to or passion to or desire to from this differentiation meaning comes about for meaning is about #sens and not about #direction direction is destiny the people that use old phones the people that refuse technology they do it because like and addict they cannot use technology without abusing it is like monasticism people running away from cities, villages, social life avant-garde keeps us ahead of the new new that comes after us avant-garde keeps us from remaining in our age related loop of vision for all this shit social life we’ve created the only solution we’ve found and use all the time is #catharsis so lame and so stupid for thanks to it we accept all the bullshit. all as long there is a charasis at the end of it

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#emancipation is a strange because at it propulsion lies resolving problems between people that actually arise normally naturally and through emancipation we try to understand their mechanisms in order to go beyond them but actually all we do is bury them deeper and deeper like we do with truth -the question here is the same as always is there any sense in creating an abusive complex peaceful society based on lie frustration and spinning to have better food and roof and longer lives of course very very expensive -or is there any sense in looking for truth and a natural way of living more conflictual more vivid more truthful and so more risky nonconstructive and short? its much more easier and real to learn to fight than to learn to love combine them two understand them two and you’ll be shot straight to the heavens in an ecstatic meaningful journey beyond all the bullshit of blindfolded life everyone is hiding behind Shakti made me do it some call it conflict some drama some call it paradox some absurd but its all just necessary complementarity towards understanding and as Gurdjieff said understanding is function of being is not a simple mental thing but a wholesome fucking amazing thing

120 I WAS WRONG

my father told me he loves being drunk by i didn’t understand it then I was too little now i do i too love the world that opens up to us when drunk is like a lucid real dream stop chasing beauty start accepting and understanding ugliness chasing beauty creates boundaries and racism understanding ugliness creates love and wisdom and freedom once, art was the only one that beheld the power over beauty now its not it’s business anymore what kind of beauty do people prefer? plastic beauty naturalistic beauty philosophical beauty dramatic beauty .... and so many other more how can you accept that someone else knows more about you than you do knows more truth than you do about yourself creating a human baby to educate and transform into a self-sustaining creature is a surrealist act the ultimate surrealist act relax, you don’t need to do anything in the world there is always someone doing it already and much better than you can I play with you?

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unfortunately the only direction that seem. to attract people to what I say is when I belittle myself when I touch on their impression of me as lame stupid pretentious and completely wrong about the things I pretend to be so. wise about and this commercial feel about my destruction is confusing for for the sake of survival I am tempted to practice self harm so weird so wrong in art there is no evil all evil in art is a representation a personification of #disease and its ways blind destructive powerful coercive inhuman with no respect for life and pain of another and from this we’ve extrapolated to all kinds of disease like things in society social political personal behavior that acts as disease I tend to think that even in religion evilness is also a conceptualization of disease see the history of the representation of evil and how the plague has demonized evilness from the falling of the most beautiful angel different times different evilness different times different disease the history of disease and where we believed it comes from will make us better understand the history of evilness and our weird relationship with the nature around both bearer of life and death both of pleasure and pain weird ff stuff is interesting how nihilism is seen as evil when it actually is about emptiness in the Buddhist sense I am both staying away from the desired and from the undesired maturity means maturity of guilt we become mature when the guilt inside us ripens and burns all that was before guilt shades our purity and hope away

122 I WAS WRONG

unfortunately nobody likes your real self and that’s the source of so many problems you don’t know who you really are you fight to learn to lie and be what is accepted you misuse good and wrong you chase unfulfilled dreams you develop guilt and regret you fall in the meaninglessness no matter how much we try we cannot escape our Gods (see surrealism, see zen) Gods is the realm that is created by the clash between emptiness and our cumulus of DNA inertia, conscious systematic formalisms, social coercions, existential normatives and all their intersystem dynamics the people that don’t know the reasons for the things they say and do are so dangerous the people that think they know but they are just circling around in blindness people that are satisfied with the first reason that comes to their minds people that are so certain about who they are but have no remembrance of themselves, no history of who they are I love all that is unpopular I have a great attraction for all that is not liked from what I do it makes me think is more valuable if unliked and that was the beginning od my downfall and the beginning of my natural distancing from normality and innate nature now I have to be careful not to go too crazy and delusional as it often happens when building new worlds I live a life based on refusing life isn’t that religious?

I express my anger through extreme arid rationalizations is the only way I am able to I am so happy I am not as stupid as you so many intelligent educated people are

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you will pay with kindness if you don’t have money or effort or information to trade with me I really envy those that were lucky enough to live their lives.

I am outside looking in, through the keyhole, gently knocking from time to time. is great that art doesn’t feed us doesn’t protect from disease doesn’t make us more adaptable doesn’t emancipate us doesn’t make us more powerful and that we need to achieve all of those by ourselves just to make our art known and existent in the world and among others and then blame the art for its magic qualities -but art is beautifully and perfectly useless doesn’t elevate and neither does it weight on it has all the qualities of something that actually doesn’t exist -there is no art as there are no Gods its so difficult to make people to believe in more than pleasure to love and trust more than pleasure its inhumane we fight for it since antiquity and yet no enduring change pleasure remains the god of all the rest beauty is inherently flawed category: other try and express other emotions than pride

124 I WAS WRONG

you tell me I am crazy buy you don’t tell me that I am wrong this kind of crazy is the supra-realism and supra-realism is on the path of the miraculous the journey without a goal the path of eternal utter doubt like with a god is so difficult to belive in him we don’t believe in people or in physical certainties how could we believe in supra-realities although we hope it is real we don’t believe in gods anymore but we still hope for them with all our hearts when you are better than me and I am better than you is the best kind if relationship people learn what they want to be and forget what they are leavening them to function as a software without hardware everybody wants instant revelation don’t you ask me for time fuck off you got exactly 3% of second to reveal to me the secrets of the univers if not fuck off I certainly will find someone that can what art tries to do in our full mass media lives is to reunite us with love because love unfortunately doesn’t yet permeate through the mediums of mass visual communication neither through any of the arts so art is now eagerly searching for new ways to break through the limitations of media and its own means of communication to reintegrate love in its means love has been killed by business life and mediatic life love is to be shred only between one to one to one to one to one love cannot go mass don’t pray to the gods that hate you

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why is there such a great difference between us clothed and unclothed why do things always fall from the sky? disruption is so embedded in everything I am that I always love to boycott even what I do just not to fall into self illusory love created by the fake appreciation of multitudes of people unconsciously fooled and served panacea for their necessity of selfpride as cure to the innate self pitty and natural existential suffering disruption is soo deep that anything I say is never a statement or str8 up affirmation the message is always under the rubble of the disrupted affirmed message woman is a phallic object my trash is better than your trash and somehow at some point we begin to accumulate experiences only as per their conclusions forgetting almost completely the actual events thus distancing us from reality and drowning us in a life of experiencing only opinion manufactured social opinion and only our small organic defects and flaws remain as individually I promote sexual kindness always be aware of the people that surround you, they are carving your inner world so slow that you don’t even feel it, surround yourself with the people that make your world the way you want there must be such a sweet feeling to have your own world alive and existing into the world to purposely and useful your unconscious be for the others to be able to be yourself and grow your world inside and others liking it and needing it it must be a sweet feeling to both be free and part of the system but that’s only for the few with some particular mysterious talents

126 I WAS WRONG

I am no more crazy than an astrophysicist for a simple normal person we speak in tongues about usless to far away things like trying to explain what a black whole is and that all galaxies form around black wholes that have a mass of million of suns why does the music has melody why there is nothing without melody life doesn’t give you any information you have to make sense of it by your own through your unique constructed dialogue with experience itself and somehow always there is a common language formed between our uniqueness about art gothic and evil was invented by the plague abstract and secular was invented by the ww1 when the world is destroyed, new beings appear even jesus is a god of death and resurection - death of the roman empire only new death brings new art life’s purpose is simple the experience of limits many fight to transform the ugly things into beautiful I transform beauty into ugly many believe the world inherently ugly I believe it beautiful for many beauty is not natural but socially synthesized thus we can also synthesize natural as beautiful and sacred but if we do we lose the social power leverage of the synthetic beauty why do we waste so much of our time with reality? countries and cultures without an aristocracy run wild like headless chickens countries and cultures that have created a strong idilic aristocracy have amazing driven and emancipated people for aristocracy is a mirror of our own ideals without our reflection as aristocratic life has no meaning and we live in chaos and only for today CIRCLE II

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I hate all these initiation rites - exams, contests, making projects, interviews, proving myself worthy of you - fuck you I don’t want to become part of your world, I want togetherness and freedom and understanding and love unfortunately is all about leverage you don’t have it you’re dead leverage creates the value I think that the divine order style of society was better than this pseudoequalitarian. The closeness of cultural made desires and places in the world are such an illusion such a disappointment that it eats the soul of humanity away.

If you knew that gods are made of something else, you cannot desire godlike things. Thus being protected to chose achievable things around you. as always I am 5 years ahead time (2018) and asking now for people to like my posts as a helping method feels awkward and nobody understands what I want but soon it will be something normal as it was 7 years ago when I wrote messages on fb about collaborations, and people thought I was crazy, because nobody was texting then future in the present was always a very creepy scary thing is so hard for me to accept that I am worthless have your artwork ever been in touch with someone with power? religion remains the highest form of intelligence I love people I just hate their way of thinking I prefer the angelic one I was always a successful man what is better? a nice day at the beach with bikini and cocktails or refusal of all social life? trying to be myself has ruined my life

128 I WAS WRONG

reality is not only very far away from media representations but is also so very far away by our own daily representations its more and more difficult to write the horrible feeling that anything and everything I say is instantly vilified that I am defeated completely by the disease that has portraits itself as virtue and health and normality your world view is not a world is only an egg shell -- earth is still flat always remember you think all your thoughts inside a common box you’re not special you’re a category only the insane and saints are special both useless, both undesirable, both vilified art is only flowers landscapes and portraits and it will never be more the only art possible is one to one inner therapy people mainly communicate through actions not words or ideas that’s why there is always storytelling between people that’s why the culture of photos and videos is much more popular than words and ideas do it for yourself, a friend told me but I don’t do art for myself, never did, never cared for art or culture, never really liked it but I appreciate the ideas that come out of it what I do for myself, what I need to do without caring for anything and anyone is discovering ideas and emotions just that when we are young we value ourselves only based on our dreams and desires and then you reach 40 and suddenly you find that your worth is only based on what you’ve done and that all your dreams and hopes amount to nothing anymore CIRCLE II

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first I wrote about peace and contemplation then I wrote about angelic people fighting the normal world then I wrote about sacred sexual experiences and now I am continuing with writing about a world of war and its hidden rare traces of illegal humanism the world is in a perpetual state of war and imminent conflict peace is an illusion stop judging things believing there is peace out there all decisions are made, based on the war front anger builds character when your information cannot be received cannot be used cannot be adapted by another person information becomes stale and transform into insanity you do not deserve my soul my effort my work my love my truth you deserve only the shit and vomit of those that make you feel special after a recent disease, I am now extremely disgusted by anything even remotely sensual I hate naked bodies, women showing themselves sexy, all selfies and eye fluttering I hate anything even remotely touching on sensuality and desire to seduce others it gives me an extremely involuntary sickening reaction love is a drug that alleviates personality pains and that’s pretty amazing especially for those that don’t really believe in the totalitarism of personality in existence I am still not interested in reality but even worse I am interested in a poetic perception of the trivia and the banality

130 I WAS WRONG

my continuous 1 month of #nausea has written a new worldview in me searching about what #nausea is I found out that is a sister of pain and as pain nobody knows its psychology very well I have learned a lot from fear and pain along my life now I have reached my lessons from #nausea and how much of our body sensations are muted by the drive of our desires, and learned drives (solutions) but when the desires are turned off, because of #nausea we can see things and feel things with their more healthier perception can see things and feel things in their more truthful violent toxic or pleasant qualities unobstructed by their teachings of good and bad - or our own selfteachings I thought we need to push through #nausea of disgust and ugliness, because we just learn to not like it but now I understand is more complicated, because I found I am feeling #nausea for many of the things I thought I like so there is a underground system of feelings and perceptions, under what we are blinded by the sun and passion of our desires and underground that is more real more organic than all the desire drive bullshit I understood that I am disgusted and afraid even by myself and everything I do with sinnesinth but now the dilemma is, if my #nausea will disappear and all my drives will kick back in my mind and fill it up again what will I do for I will become blind again am I as stupid as everyone else? women like only the men than are not erecting for them men like only the women that are fully open for them for 34 years I believed I was a great person no matter what all the others kept saying now I begin to understand them I apologize you were right all along I am shit but knowing it makes life so difficult to get through it was easier believing I am perfect and deserving to be with others and having my own ideas and desires

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I live in a delusional world of my own creations created with the single purpose of seeing reality but without success and with a lot of inverse results searching for truth I have descovered the opulence of delusion art is not in the artwork but in its social infrastructure museum, market, opencall, residence, festival, gallery do you assume the world is stupid do you assume the world is evil do you assume the world is coerced do you assume the world is magic do you assume the world is beautiful how do you assume the world around you is?

I make stuff because I am refused by my own world I don’t make art I make toys reality+disgust+love=magic=meaning its soo beautiful how society finds solutions for the very problems it creates like the rituals of step by step removing protections from being with each other like idilic beliefs in nonexistent beings that promise meaning and bliss like evilness to existentialy motivate people to live and act women are pets in their best form sint intr-o dilema profunda oare sa ma cumintesc pentru bani sau sa perseverez in prostie pentru obsesii artistice people don’t feel their feelings there is a self imposed much needed emotional blindness that people impose on themselves aristocracy without rank or money are just lazy fucks that don’t want to workin the lower classes

132 I WAS WRONG

if you want to feel important and have people needing you help them with what they want not with what you want reality + disgust + love = magic reality + disgust + magic = love love + disgust + magic = reality love + magic + reality = disgust romanians are chasing reality because they don’t believe in it the best but also the worst is that love takes all shapes and forms and we never agree on what it is they will never understand you not the older ones not the younger ones I don’t care if you like me if you don’t like my artwork I am not me I am too just an expression of my artwork a who done it everybody just wants to create their own social order it’s just another monkey thing I am trying to renounce all my last refuge is in these signs and words but soon, when I will understand the wisdom of the unknown and trust it fully I will renounce words and ideas too

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everything is about public life everything is like acting in public there is nothing sincere noting open nothing true nothing intimate and private and if you try to be sincere you get shun away for being crazy and against normality which is so weird which sais so much about what normal people are and how closed they are and how fierce they protect their system for without it the are nothing but when we identify all our beings with a common system of being where is our truth? what are we? are we?

I see in people’s eyes the desperate look of fear of solitude I see in people’s eyes the desperate fight to become part of more and more other lives so they will never be alone again there is no joy of relationships is a desperate need and fear there is all so fake and build not out of love but out of freaking fear be public only public never alone not even making love with you’re loved one not even in prayer, not even in your mind, not even in your soul we’ve invented language because we needed to do things together to survive and we’ve emancipated because of that its almost magical how our selfless care for the group actually invented individuality I wonder, how much did we really changed in our raw nature since being monkeys the only way I can be with other people is like in a big orgy of love any other public way is absurd disgusting and anxious

134 I WAS WRONG

what I am doing here is to invent a way a language to see what is in the darkness of my blind mind and soul it has no value for you no value for society it is all for me and about me my passion is not for art, not for love, not for truth, not for justice, not for emancipation my passion is to be alone and do nothing without past and future that is what I long for that is what I want most of all in the world religion is not about truth religion is about love science is not about truth science is about application art is not about truth art is about semiotics first find God then read about it when you think about me when you feel about me I feel like dejavu all the time your love pulls me out of reality and near you in the continuum of irrationality I don’t do public subjects because I am not a public guy I use art to express my deepest intimacies for I need more intime experience than public for I need to experience my life in intimacy and not in public events and habits sometimes motives don’t excuse actions men fight to win not to get the prize fight to kill not to put food on the table but we enjoy the side effect and the admiration

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we are animals but we love each other and love has a deep unsettling intelligence when you expose your sensuous being to the world do you know you are seen by 90% of porn perverts? do you know that all you beauty and respect and love is instantly transformed in cock toy? do you know that you tenderness is translated into sluttiness? and yet with all the abuse you still believe you heal the world although all you do is to feed the deformed mouths of the monstrous a great dilemma I know I live the same one myself (letter to a cute girl online) in 10 years I have succeeded in befriending no one about my art no help no hope no nothing nothingness is my destiny I hope one day I will understand that and release myself from my fights and desires and mission of emancipation nothingness is my destiny nothing at all I am addicted to knowledge about experience but lack interest in anything experiential is art by default a septic thing or it can be dirty as well? not ugly, but dirty because I love dirty art I feel its a great bridge between nature, human and gods we are similar only in our ireal dreams I believe in the same things as when I was 9 years old the only thing that unites us are our enemies this is how we are hardwired to survive our common dreams, our common ideals only divides us more

136 I WAS WRONG

I love that the world is changing towards me and not away from me when will science discover love?

I don’t like people that hide their identity when they tell the truth I like the people that contradict themselves internally even before they act or think or react emotionally crazy monger fuckers new people cope in new ways the emptiness inside? don’t forget that our galaxy has a black whole in the center don’t forget the emptiness is a way to emancipation don’t forget that we are reverberations of the same intention as everything created micro macro and cosmic and we follow the same rules as all around us the ant the hyena the trees the mountains the comets the black matter the love the pain we’ve sacrificed our humanity for peace men push women open up philosophy is physical nobody wants films with normal people we all want, crippled, insane, idiotic, characters that succeed in being accepted as normal, finally because we all are impostures in normality and we are terrified that we will be discovered as not normal and we will be kicked off the society love can be as horrifying as any dark horror monster we’ve gave you freedom and independence we gave you power and peace and you still don’t use them you’re still stuck with your mamas and papas

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I would love to be sexually harassed as much as girls are I would use it to promote my artwork raw energy for raw art I love the amazing power of sexual harassment and I envy that men are not wanted with the same obsession as women men get power from institutions money agresivity - nothing real and direct and raw as woman’s bewildering magnetism -to promote truth and existential non normative new concepts and emotional freedom, outside the survivalistic use of them in the normal educational moral ethic propaganda - you need to connect with the rawness of experience, the most basic corporeal drives our monkey 2mil years has blindly build reacting to the laws of nature universe and other monkeys advices are not help opinion is not information comments are not objective negativity is not protection its weird how easy you can create your own character made out of lies that’s how lies become real that’s how real becomes a lie that’s how we forget about what truth and reality is that’s how paranoia is plaguing our contemporary world and it did throughout history each era invents itself another way of virtuality to escape the truth many want to live their lives few want to create their lives everyone gets together to construct something but when the construction is finished everyone starts arguing and running away from each other that’s why we always need something new to construct at I don’t believe in the reality of personality in the truth and virtue of personality but I believe in character you need to be sincere with all your ‘whys’

138 I WAS WRONG

I didn’t love my parents enough to follow in their world solutions dreams pleasures and needs I didn’t love anyone to follow I guess I love only myself, for I made my own way and I know that narcissism is a taboo in our society but well love is love when we don’t know the value of things the effects of things the good and bad of things that’s when we enjoy them most that’s when we open ourselves most those are the things we will love for life even if we find that they are bad and destructive we will still love them and long for them forever people perceive change as death perceive the unknown as threat that is why we are naturally inclined to see the future very gloomy that is why we’ve settled in agrarian communities every society that has a repeatable known intergenerational cycle is happy progressive societies are always gloomy, being able to go forward by big fascinating turning points in discoveries - industry, technology, appliances, computers, AI - all able to deeply confuse and renew people’s frame of reference, so that the dread of the future is covered up by the learning curve of the new world. this is why the state and the financial ruling is continuously doing research and makes accessible any new technology people need to be continuously be put in the unknown with a great great promise of gain - like in the myth of the eldorado we cannot change human nature but we can surly try stop doing smart things the world is still stupid needing stupid things smart is evil for them

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I work similar to a comedian saying outrageous things often selfdeprecating always destructive always about and with the defects of the world and man only that my effect is not a laugh although a spark is a spark of light, beyond our educated blindness ‘no’ is an abstraction, children have to learn what ‘no’ is it is not a natural thing social palace what is your relationship with the video camera?

I teach people how to die would you rather sacrifice your life for peace? or would you sacrifice peace for your life? comedy is a pleasant way of saying the ugliest and meanest shit ever in a positive way like depressing lyrics on sweet cheesy melody only the superrich have the right to revolutionize society’s mores #gucci the best of humanity vs the worst of humanity who do you believe is winning? “sacrifice for the greater good” is how a killer motivates his genocide he sacrifices his own humanity -and many do it for their children for their loved ones

140 I WAS WRONG

fashion is the only place for avant-garde ideas the only place for freedom and truth and intimacy because is silent because it says nothing and let’s the owner put his own ideas into it I want to be nonattractive for the people I hate but attractive enough for the kind of people I love (thoughts of a young beautiful urban girl) I didn’t know that people actually fight all their lives to do nothing as they blubber meaningless fake activity all the time they don’t want justice, freedom, peace, truth, money, love, respect, power, nothing they just want to do nothing at all maybe watch tv and eat pizza forever and nothing else but due to social pressure they need to be looking as doing something all the time so they fake everything and get involved in as less things possible and with the smallest... possible while thinking about tv and pizza only the neutrinos quality of love kinda disrupts this path and brings people back to mission and life and humanity they all love a winner and nothing else each of our creative impulse is inside based on an emotion of ecstasy mine is acid based similar to thai shrooms how is yours? people hunt people always for the right motive always with the right intentions for enslave for pet for justice be stupid is more profitable do nothing be nothing is more profitable be happy, evoke happiness even if it’s not real or truthful

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younger people have closest, time wise, cultural references. the older you get, the older references you get some keep their cult value but few I believe in crazy for I believe in love for I believe in the magical order of things when you tell people that you want to buy them they freak when you answer their call for a job they love you they give you the beauty without telling you that it comes with huge amounts of shit and pain and garbage the honest ones are those that present you the truth of garbage and teach you to safely see beauty in it the worst invention of all times is erection a mind dependent erection I believe that a soft sexual organ would’ve been more equal than a hard on one it’s still keeping us in the dark ages and will still do until we find a substitute for it the evil knows the power of love it knows that no matter how ugly or how disgusting a touch of love at the corners of the eyes and mouth can make evil invisible in human’s eyes in the old times you couldn’t leave your owner now you are owned by the state -only forms and names change the mechanics remain the same

142 I WAS WRONG

the 3P of society pressure, 2ndP and politics I forgot one all the things I know, all the things I read, all the things I have have been #stolen never did I pay my dues never did I gave my sweat or labor for a just return I have stolen everything like a #pirate all my art is pirate art all my art is beyond laws and rules and social mores is your self based on the 20years of institutional education or is it still based on your childhood drives beliefs and ideals? social life is such a restricted way of living I have no idea how people are contented in in aren’t we all human with human needs with universal needs with magical addictions we are animals hunters killers if we don’t have an outside enemy we will start to look for one among us if there is none we will look for one inside we need an enemy we cannot live without one chose yours wisely I have never understood why art is such an unpopular medium diary, fashion, politics are so much more ahead

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sexuality is too strong for people that’s why we hide it away and censured it isn’t that dumb? the assumption that we are to frail for our own natural ways the assumption that sexuality is just like a hard drug that brakes us inside the assumption that the expression of sexuality in signs and in public makes people zombies isn’t that dumb? and the complete blindness to how much it can help us if open and used as an instrument in art we only acquire negative subjects in art to battle and reveal to others but why don’t we acquire subjects we are afraid of, why don’t we acquire subjects that are part of us and keep hidden parts that make up what we are we walk crippled in the world only because we don’t have the faith and courage to unlock all our inner restrains leaving sexuality in the hands of abusers is our own fault for not making it art for not making it culture for hiding it in the garbage of metaphors the business model of the world gives the best satisfaction of life every choice we make is out of starvation of something starvation teaches us about everything we have inside there is nothing but starvation stop starvation and people will stop doing everything control starvation and people will do what you want #pyramidofneeds we all know what we need to do but we hate doing it that’s why we suffer that’s why we look for other solutions to our problems all our lives love is not romantic at all

144 I WAS WRONG

if is not sensuous in some way it is worthless to waste life time with it my art is myopic you need to be close to really see it you can so easily steal and kill to survive and defend life but how can you steal love from another? how can you forcibly take love from another? and because you can’t that’s the greatest tragedy of existence of all mankind we want love before food for all our lives is only about love and its tragical imateriality when we separate intimacy from public we separate love from the world and that’s always destructive Adam and Eve hid their genitals because they wanted to be equal I don’t believe God has fallen Lucifer out of heaven with the intent of creating a Hell I don’t believe that Lucifer is filled with hatred and dumb destruction the purpose of the Fallen Angel if is based on the love and perfection of God is to send and sacrifice an Angel to give humans a better grasp of their reality Lucifer as a Trismegistus a completely opposite concept from God that unites oppositions towards enlightenment both grasping reality and divinity for there cannot be one without the other -the error of the church is that, being without faith, but with a lot of politics, they needed a weapon in God, and any weapon needs an enemy, so they’ve invented the Evil, not based on God’s revelations but more on the portrait of man warlike decadence in facing survival freedom is temporary enjoy it now in hell, daemons have families and children as anyone else being demon is just a job, a form of art, a religious outlet but at home with their wives children and parents are normal as anyone else

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lumea se consuma prea mult luptind impotriva nedreptatilor o lupta pasiva de cele mai multe ori creation is better badluck poverty hopelessness and unsatisfaction about everything in life is actually a form of punishment for people’s continuing attempts to con Love to fake honesty and shortcut towards personal gain I practice a joyous form of nihilism because I’ve seen that it’s the best way to bring out #love in things, people, mores and ideas I’ve heard that if you imagine something and believe in it with fire of heart it will happen for you that’s why I prefer to imagine nothing and believe nothing will happen to me and better enjoy the exceptions that happen out of the accidents of faith i love studying these abnormalities of faith and destiny should I say the truth that they believe is a lie or should I say the lie that they believe as the truth? you are defined by the institutions that sponsor you, accept your work and invite you in no institutions = no you do you remember the change in your eyes when you were accepted in the circuit do you remember the pride and wings of glory? the breath of life on your whole new persona? one of the worst mistakes of human kind was to formalize love because people always imitate forms in the belief that the practice of form leads to truth when we as species will understand as a thunderbolt through the spine that all our comfort is based on someone else’s abuse pain and desperation we will start a new age until then, only common shit and loops

146 I WAS WRONG

I love the girls that exploit their own forms and shapes and forbidden organs in photos and videos online i love self objectivisation i love self exploration towards detachment and abstraction girl power is not an elusive intellectual exercise is fff body exploration and study of sexual cravings in social mind frame the online has eliberated women more than any feminist organisations or books ever why do we like what we like as species truth is always pain is never a good thing loving truth is masochistic that’s why we’ve invented art as an optimistic lie to enjoy a little our existential experiences because as parents we need to create some beauty for our small pure children honest prolife lies are better than truth a savage on a life long diet of psihedelics would become self-aware? (self-awareness as narcissism) -about the origins of consciousness and its biological inheritance sometimes my body is plastic my body is a lie no truth or discovers there, just tv shows let’s begin differentiating between love and positivity its time we can do it we have all the conceptual and experiential experience necessary and even technological help I am not good with complicated things it so hard to say yes its so fun to say no CIRCLE II

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the body asks only for relaxation and some sensuality also seen as fun also seen as activity but always satisfied with something sweet the body doesn’t know how to ask for anything else for itself its the brain that fights for survival and not the body all this world and existence is a great complicated paradoxical chaos and violence in which somehow we find ways to survive and even enjoy some parts of it all superbe (I blame love for this magic thing) if you think as a dead person looking back at his life -90% of the working class children died bellow the age of 5yo before WW1 the average life expectancy was 30 yo and yet we had art and culture in a hopeless doomed world amaziing we should all study more about #love for love is as complicated as God and as real as God and as abstract as God love in two is paradise love in three is a disaster in the normal world that’s why they’ve abandoned love all together and banned it to the realm of the arts I understand the world from a different angle because I could never understand it from the normal one from what others explained to me there is nothing I write that is not rewritten

148 I WAS WRONG

humanism means only the acceptance of all others as they are means the faith in the connection we all have in our root means a sweet stupidity and openness to each other very illogical and anti existential I would love to be objectified with as much passion and worship as men have been objectifying women throughout history cind ne dam cu parerea despre cei din vest sau cei din est sa nu uitam ca nu sintem cei din vest sau cei din est if your really want to fuck up your shitty life make underground transgressive photos and films. parties and drugs and sex are fake shit are for woosies. do art, that’s truly hardcore expose your inner soul and truth to millions of people ready to rip you apart and throw your guts all over the place if you want to fuck up your life I believe heaven and hell are both side by side in the sky and both, lighting bold, powerful when you are alone you are a crazy paranoid when you are two, you are two crazy paranoids when you are three, you are a society worthy of listening to we have so many fallacies organic mental spiritual is incredible that we’ve survived so long I am like a #buoy I need to go deep to feel the tension and stress of the world the fear and fight for life that’s why I make the art I make we should groom each other more it would save humanity people love to do meaningless things or they actually don’t know what meaningful is and they believe in their meaningless activities and experiences as being all that truly is in life and the world CIRCLE II

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one of our most popular fallacies is to value and consider as virtuous #athletics thus athletics have infected both religion and art both intimacy and relationships and we know that experientially we do not appreciate athletics very much until we don’t solve our material survival issues we have no hope for true emancipation it will always be kings and slaves or all savages we are creatures of trance we should accept it for once and for all and begin our true journey love is deeper than the unconscious deeper than the autonomous love is an universal force not a personal emotion love is the tao human #value is conventional it has no truth no righteousness value can be mathematically controlled villainy crime violence abuse is based on people that “have nothing to lose” when you have to lose everyone even crime organizes my art is a crime art because I purposely put myself in the state of being of having nothing to lose of allowing me to lose everything I gain it would be such a wonderful world if women would love men openly and passionately as men love women I hate it when I understand a work of art

150 I WAS WRONG

yes the artist cannot think about anything else but his art not himself and not the people that contact his art as we know people don’t really give a shit about the artist truth and wonder is only alive in the realm of the ideal reality is vile ruthless and faulty art is the vivid expression of the other side reality is the little sister of myth she always ran after the cooler brother myth wanting to play the same games and with the same toys and myth never really cared for his little sister reality for she is dumber and uncool art is making love with the world is it too weird to treat people as angels? the assumptions are often unconscious unfortunately fear is necessary on the road to eliberation for fear is restricting all the inner formations that flourish in a social environment, pride, selfishness, patterns of reaction. fear just take you out of them all and strips you naked to the raw if my life has a path that’s one against all odds since the beginning for I was inches away from being aborted normal people are like animals think of them as cute fluffy but big dogs semi domestic tell them what you would tell to a dog I tried explaining to one the causality of anger but he was more interested in liking my hands after I gave him some cookie I think he was thinking I am crazy its an amazing rare achievement to be what you truly are and not what the others interpret you to be

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I love it how people that work in beauty related commercial activities don’t really understand why the fuck this werid shit called art really exists. is too awkward and too werid for anyone to like or consider as beautiful I honestly think art is just a bunch of bullshit I belive more into cartoons art is dead I want to be a whore from time to time how could I become one? how could I enter the world of whoring? ontop of all my sexy photos please add body hair, 20kilos, a double sized stomach, a bloated belly, crooked teeth, bad smell, skin diseases, moles and parasites, gut bad bacteria and irritable colon, foul breath, a few big infected moles, crooked nails and deformed toes, yeast soles... and you will get closer to reality and you can love me for what I am I have changed I am not a young sexual god anymore I am just a sleazy middle aged sexual abuser now there is no more uncontrollable lust and ecstasy only uncontrollable disgust and misery my solitude is a reaction to stress I am not a fighter I don’t believe in war with self, with nature, with others my only form of resistance is comedy and comics always put themselves in the worst of places to test the fabric of paranoia it its elastic people laugh if it punctures people scream in fear the consciousness is not the boss of a being but a servant of the body and its genetics and this fallacy, that grew out of genetics and body we tried and still try to mend with religion and now ecology and mythology of scientific

152 I WAS WRONG

we need to breed people without them knowing they are bread we need to select people without them knowing we select them we need to protect our crop without separating it too obvious from the weeds for it we’ve invented the freedom of choice and freedom of change and free access to our breeding system fuck nature we were always better than It and one day we will conquer it and then we will create our own the best mistake people are doing is to raise their children in an idilic bubble and fighting to to so that’s how at their ongoing request there have been created idilic institutions and later even idilic ways of social administration for them it is like building wheat out of a grass but we need a gew hundred years more only normal people agree there is no normality there are people that want to do something and there are people that want to do nothing I am of the later without a shift of self, thus perception there cannot be an understanding talking about male on male sexuality teaches us so much about male on female sexuality for male never could empathise with female and female could never empathise with male that’s why I like making love with men normal people believe the other people as a threat as a protection device and they’ve created a whole world around this system of interaction, of befriending, of intimacy but what happens with those that don’t believe like that about the others and that don’t develop inner weapons to become what is commonly believed - threatening? and why was it the best social choice to infer that the other is a threat? like being afraid of a poisonous new plant to eat.

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Mila, a cita etapa a traumei este? we are afraid of the AI and yet we have never been on our own we were born with bio-assistants in us with whom we are in contact all the time which we control through an interface with limited function them being mostly automated and never knowing who has been programming them or how it evolves in time I really hope AI will help us take better control of our bodies our gene control our hormonal destiny If I don’t do it for someone else I don’t do it at all will art save the world? my mouth is open but there is no food or water anywhere I am dried tools make us think differently and thinking differently makes us make new tools how do you transcend forms through forms? art is the jester I think zombies are real and that I am one of them I think zombies represent those people that prefer to sleep walking all the time that like to be numb are sociopathic or psychopathic feeling nothing for others or themselves driven only by sudden autopilot urges like hunger

154 I WAS WRONG

first you construct a world then you get a few others in it and then you make that world portable and you walk with it through the big one that’s freedom I write because I need to exercise my moments of elightment when will people begin to leave in mass the mainstream? towards a new mainstream. if the world is trying to teach me something over and over again since childhood is that it doesn’t needs me and actually it fights against me to exist for I am strange and unworthy of existence the world has never liked me and it will never do its weird how little people understand and accept afraid people its weird how intolerant are people to afraid people trying to make people understand why art is vitally importantly is just like trying to make them understand why is important to help starving children in Africa and the answer is the same a shoulder shrug and that’s why both poverty and culture are owned by nonhuman corporations and large national institutions people truly are just Soylent Green I always was that kind of person that needs to hear things upfront str8 direct and no hidden assumptions, insinuations or subtle innuendos and that helps me when there are difficult and impossible meta things to say in my art what should I better do please tell me

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if you masturbate do it artfully how you masturbate sais all about who you are and how you look about life so make it art or anti-art but don’t do it out of character own it its sad that commercial value dictates what is truth that truth is more truthful the more people buy it In my stories I always save my characters I always give them a better existence my characters always save themselves by changing all the universe around them for there is no other way my mother told me don’t go into arts, they are evil and she is begging me everyday to quit them and come back to the clean decent normal path of life no I am not making art for I never liked artsy things I am more into weird entertainment I called it art, because art is the place that allows the most crazy and I do and like crazy things but cartoonish I love cartoons not real things I feel cartoons more representative and important for our lives than the way real things and real reactions happen in the world its just different world views mine of 20 years old vs the artistic and cultural 2000years old at least we come together always only against a common threat never for anything positive I hope that’s not the essence of social and civilization an engineering project is as important as an art project

156 I WAS WRONG

Its so interesting how #psychopathy is deemed a negative trait, all the time, although the traits of cold risky decisions, or difficult decisions that sacrifice other people are deemed as great values.

I don’t think that a #psychopath is an evil person by default, one can be good or bad according to their experience in life, according to their own traumatic sculpture of experience. Lacking empathy and being bold and egotistical, are both great tools for achievement and so many teachers train you to be so throughout your education, only vaguely reminding you that you should retain and remind yourself that you are human, and you should have human values and care for the ones around, but always the coldness is emphasized.

I believe leadership levels can be quantified in levels of psychopathy.

And people are genetically drawn to #psychopaths as their leaders, because they are much more realistic, more equipped to decipher reality and survivalism.

The negative or positive qualities of a concept represent more the way normality(the vulgus) has used them, and not their actual meaning, thus we can little by little understand the directions and protections of the vulgus against and for themselves. A sort of though police. A sorting police. never show your weaknesses people feed only on success greatness was always at the outskirts of bad overacting greatness is always at the outskirts of exaggeration ce face fata de masa atunci cind este mult mai mica decît masa? daca unii au inventat tehonologie altii au inventat cultura altii amabilitatea noi am inventat #umorul ca singura si cea mai inalta forma de a supravietui incompatibilitatii si a violentei intre oameni creativity without beauty is like life without love I don’t believe in the existence of love but in its nonexistence citeodata inima imi bate in partea dreapta CIRCLE II

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CIRCLE III

we dedicate our lives to objects

158 I WAS WRONG

I am paid by large black data corporations like the ones controlling facebook to popularize the inexistence of privacy to help promote and make part of society, total exposure of self as a new kind of freedom. thus they can use all that data and the most inner emotions and drives to be able to shape society into a new feature. my work with them helps creating new post-corporation philosophies of economics, of social class, of political and administrative systems of people experience of life inside a useful working environment. we are the future form of communism. free happy meaningful emancipated since birth whats cool about artists is that somehow people see them and their lives so much more amazing than they actually are so that this fakeness helps also the artist to try and believe that his shitty life is what people think it is. thank you guys. you make our lives bearable and although I could not change the world I made a smaller one inside it reality will never be able to be the absolute truth no matter how much we try because we are not part of reality only our bodies are and our connection with our bodies is not a direct is mostly a linguistic one - interpretation of senses CIRCLE III

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its so easy to test a person’s angelic nature if his first opinion is critical to something then his nature is not angelic it means his instinctive attention is not to the essence but to the supporting formalities is like judging a person exclusively by his clothes and angles are naked -that is why I wear dirty clothes, poor clothes, offstream clothes that’s why I tear and dirty my new clothes to keep evil away why is bad to make out of a fallacy a virtue? its so sad to find out that people confuse and identify life with identity that they cannot even farfetch there is more to life beyond identity and identity is just a fake manipulated projection educated in us by the realm of unconscious assumptions in which we live but they dont know it exists is like denouncing the existence of air for lack of proof you have freedom of speech but not freedom of image and freedom of identity I love people that change their names my hurt and your hurt must be in balance evil for me is like isis in Irak something very very far away in a strange exotic land that’s why I am always surprised when I see people thinking that evil is here and now and are fearful and suspicious and protective of other people as they were terrorists

160 I WAS WRONG

I love it when there is a new thing and no laws for it yet I love it when men think I am a girl on my female nudes account on instagram when they tell me how sexy I am and how much they want to talk to me being a girl is sooo sweet these internet days we use emotion because nobody understands words women want to be worshipped for their personality men want to be worshipped for their cock women worship men for their personality men worship women for their pussy my fantasy is real more real than reality art is not in the object but in its presentation what is presentation then? and how did it became so important? and what is its function and goal? the body could never take mysticism it never did it burns it like heroin it leaves it broken up but we’re still looking for ways to surpass that limitations for mystic union with God is our biggest dream and the drive for our societies since the first togetherness. what we still haven’t got and answer for, but just coping mechanisms for, is what is this God and what is this psychopathic need we all have to transcend reality and it cannot be simply based on our fear of death fear works differently every one of us secretly believes they are a freak but no one is ready to accept it no one is ready to act it out

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why should we care about you you are not part of any institution if you speak in german to the french they will think you’re crazy what gibberish sounds this creepy man utters to be understood you need a german people few other cultures will accept you with your gibberish language when drugs don’t bring new things to your experience you know you’re on the good path be careful when you finally lose hope and faith don’t let anger and disgust fill that void and know that faith once lost will never came back fill the void with manual labour buy a pet grow plants and stay away from interacting with people as much as possible when I stared with art I believed in truth I believed in the pure connection between people deep inside I believed art can transgress all fakery into absolute truht now.... I don’t anymore I now believe in the absolute misunderstanding and in the manipulated understanding and in the guided self sufficient understanding based on the mercantilism of survivalism both social and organic I now believe that truth is only for the idyllics and that truth is not true but just a sweet illusory formation of the ones unable to find pleasure and achievement in conformation with the establishment establishment is truth finally the communism has been fulfilled, the state is God in the form of the power of the people, the will of the many, the dictatorship of the majority

162 I WAS WRONG

there are some of us out there that need to exercise idilicism and do idilicism together with others on a regular basis the same as the ones that need sport or church or nature or shopping or urban socializing god is an illusion evil is real in the culture of the society that surrounds me that is what we all learn since childhood for pain is real and redemption is not that is why even religion has become a judiciary institution and not a love institution but is soo beautiful that through internet I can see that in other places in earth love has become more real and it makes me happy and hopeful for humanity poor intelectuals are very dangerous creatures that’s why it is needed to either satisfy them materially and selfrespect or remove them by force from society for their are violent in their thoughts and propaganda very destructive and revengeful without discrimination true sociopathic

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all my anxious reactions and situations I will treat as a battleground and act on them as such I will not let them push me around anymore it will be war violent merciless absurd and without a winner just casualties I tried to understand fear and to make peace with it but it seems fear keeps on torturing me there is no peace no elegance no mutual respect and appreciation from now on is only abuse and destruction for survival no matter what -first battles I will meet with all the people I am afraid to with all the ones I had to explain like a demented person that I fear people without any reason -I will prepare for battle I love the lonely girls that take a lot of selfies and live out of them a substitute for social love that they dread and hide from in reality if you want to understand society as it is talk to young people the ones most indoctrinated of them all not yet courageous enough not yet betrayed enough not yet rejected enough not yet hungry enough desperate to survive enough to wonder about the true nature of the world the absurdity confusion and dumbness it is pandemic I live in a world without money a world without exchange of value realism is a complete inner experience although people think is an objective action based experience that’s why in art, good realism is actually expressionism and bad realism is just cold replication of not understood human actions

164 I WAS WRONG

women should be the ones asking for sex for if men do it is always a form of abuse due to the current gender roles and gender class differences for if women do it is a cool sexy thing we should not aim to change the world for it takes hundreds of years but we can slightly use it differently we’ve exacerbated speech into language and consciousness because the word is immortal it doesn’t suffer the passing of time it is always beautiful and charming it is always successful always young and happy and healthy no matter how old and creepy the one that utters it is my fundamental fallacy is the belief that at some point there will be people wanting to become part and construct with me, my own worldview but I haven’t yet met anyone to do something similar for another artist, ideal, idea, belief, mission it is all money driven with no money there would be no ideals as well? finding a fuck is so much easier than finding to art people run away from art like a rape it doesn’t matter what you are it maters only with what you identify weird that means we are believing more the image than the experience or that our experience is made out of the images of experience and that’s the semiotics of existence as conscious beings to get closer to reality we need to punch through the system reaching reality for us is an artificial forced endeavor I like crazy parents more than I like crazy artists (on becoming a father) don’t forget there is only 1% of art in the world CIRCLE III

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after years and years of taking shit from people I finally started gaining weight always one step ahead of your limits the abstract is communism until it stops being becoming either authority or terrorism the question is not what art is but what culture defines as art and how and why it makes that selection in the age it makes it, in the country it makes it in the world it makes it see John Zorn see Duchamp see Brincusi and how much is all a question of politics and social economy unfortunately I am just a simple decent man that likes to be in war zones helping the wounded, the refugees, the hunted, the traumatized, the politically imprisoned, the ones that lost their loved ones, their homes, their identities, their histories I started with sacred art then incorporating it into the naturalistic going into the revolutionary and death now aiming towards loving realism when I was younger I could digest bullshit with ease I miss those days would you want to take part in my solitude?

-this is what my art is for me that’s why I do film and photo and not painting or literature I need to share my solitude because I always was afraid of people and never really understood them

166 I WAS WRONG

love is not the amazing power we’ve been thought the world we have constructed proves it for us every day love is just another mindbending psy drug and is tabooed in its free form as any other psy drug all our lives are lived in a continuous regret the regret of the way our lives should’ve been but because of many reasons it’s not we live in the shadow of our own lives even the most happy successful and rewarding life is but a shadow of the true life it could’ve been people get depressed as closer they get to the truth of it all that’s why they avoid it and prefer the lies that’s why they buy upbeat things and experiences and people and although the effects are temporary and gets lower and lower they keep on doing it but the answer is in the experience of pain and suffering and depression and yet remaining alive without any meaning at all without any pleasure or purpose why is so easy to scare people away and so difficult to get them close there must be something wrong in the way we were build love vs fear/disgust jumping on at a new hope from the present collapsing failure -- my way of coping with existence you have missed the point i will push you until you either brake or run away or understand (be prepared)

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the worst mistake a writer can make as extreme as heroin is to glimpse in the desire to make his writing real into a film the world changes only from ways to make money everything else is utterly discarded humanity makes no money should you hurt yourself to protect the other or should you hurt the other to protect yourself for a third person both ways are the same thing the lucky ones are born liking the good things in the world the unlucky are born liking the bad things I am an artist but I have nothing to do with culture I am even anti-cultural touch is the most powerful sense of them all and yet we use it the least I am really reality and world retarded I am happy to have survived this long my amazing wings have only helped me to do that sweet I am not looking for the sublime but for sublimation the sublime coerces us sublimation set us free many things would not be done by people, even many more would not exist even more not accepted if there wouldn’t be bought with money

168 I WAS WRONG

ailure has been the most important tool in my life without it I would’ve never been able to break the patterns of things, through the fakeness and often man-made nature of truth. trying impossible things to do and fail and through it learning about how things are constructed - social psychological organic genetic spiritual individual natural people don’t even know how infected by money they are just think how much for granted they take the use for money “people that don’t raise their children in the normal way with normal morals and education with normal beliefs and mythologies of right and wrong are monsters and should be locked away and their children be taken away and brainwashed back into conformity” – a normal man my dream was always to clean myself from other people’s spreaded filth I love the girls that feel guilty about their own sexuality the world is so filled with layers upon layers of lies and floating paranoia thank you all sooo sooo much that you rare rare souls keep fighting for truth keep digging in shit for sincerity and truth and made me too to understand it and get eliberated out of all this creepy way social life is thank you soo soo much without you and your work and sacrifice I would’ve been dead long time ago the brain is not a notepad but a map if you want to note something in it you need to plant, construct, transform something in it thus every note changes the map -a map of emotions, translating all ones phenomena I find fascinating how often people forget that all things are connected in multidimensional circumstancial becomingness thus my idea of people as domestic animals CIRCLE III

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crazy is a kind of cypher protecting normal people from grave harmful misunderstanding politics came about as a reaction to do the things you want with people that don’t like, don’t aprove, can’t do what you want to achieve within their togetherness within their different often divergent agendas thus lying thus paranoia we are not the driver we just chose direction and sometimes give advice to corect the driving based on shared experience driving is done by our inate AI you can choose to see the worst in the best of people or the best in the worst of people people are emotionally illiterate when people avoid sexuality is the first clue about their social deviant education try and reach sexual openness and you’ll understand how difficult it is and how magical it is and what shitty brain wash you’ve been living in but in practice humanity is psychopathy and autism is humanity in an individualistic society chaos is an organic order in a necessary direct connection with nature we have reached nirvana, god and all the rest but we found that boring so we’ve returned to ignorance to help others we’ve refused bliss

170 I WAS WRONG

so very few people are interested in understanding about life and their own experience most of them are interested in consuming life experiences only as a drug nature is beautiful only for tourists otherwise it’s a filthy bitch with which you fight continuously for survival painful and scary and tiring in every moment without any pleasure, meaning or beauty just brute force thats why people created civilization, slaves, technology out of their need for experiencing more than daily pain for survival I urge you to go and live 1month by yourselves in nature with rudimentary means of survival why do we look at art objects? what do we see in them? objects without purpose my own model is impairing perception of truth all models suicidals are the future of the world kindness is my way of coping with my inability of being serious competent and professional working without a judge brings you closer to your own inner truth mental alpinism mental skyscrapers two models of inner phenomenological construction and processing one organic one mechanical one based on interpretation of experience one based on ready made rules and regulations of conventional success it is amazing how resilient is nature, keeping giving birth to amazing magical beings knowing that each and every one of them will be crushed by a daft society and already crushed people CIRCLE III

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how can one give energy to another? how can one take energy from another? sint un simplu spectator when you can make love with more than one person at a time is when you will truly understand what love is there in the moment among all those people making love with you with others among you among others I never lie I never say the truth is better not to understand than to wrongly understand is better not to know than to blindly copy forms ask me to explain means you don’t have the language to understand translation of soul kills soul new spiritualities are constantly being created enjoy this brief period of total freedom it will not last for long the best way to understand the character of one’s society and culture is by the way they represent their evil ones, by their antagonist, by their personification of evil art’s no 1 lesson is that you are not what you think you are and the 2nd one is that you will never be the 3rd might be that the path towards finding truth is truth, especially when you know that truth doesn’t exist to be reached we are born animals educated into collective domestics emancipated into individuals enlightened into selfless loving amoral angels

172 I WAS WRONG

its always incredible how easy they put in people their own desires, their own language, their own enslaving universe and how people fight, identify and despair to achieve all these foreign inseminated desires in all my years, I have never ever found a person that is not completely delusional and yet we all praise ourselves with knowing reality and praise ourselves with knowing the truth the right and the best ways to do and to be in the world people are like rats they are always looking for a way out some use metaphors to describe pornography some use pornography to describe metaphors is not acceptance that heals acceptance is just an intermediary step what heals is to find the meaning the worthiness of what you truly are and that is another great difficult adventure people were always wrong about me I know that because I always wanted to fulfil their expectations and it never worked I don’t take things as good or bad i take all things as interesting or not I am not fighting for the same mountain as normal people my genetic mold is fundamentally askew from norm in my art because I expose people I protect people others because they enforce people they terrorize people suspend suspend your disbelief I need fiction because reality is extremely painfully fake

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do you know where I could find a girl to sexualy play with? someone weird and not normal someone that understands and has that urge for fuck it all art do you have anyone I could write to?

I miss that sexual fresh universe that builds between people your relationship with the world is the same as your relationship with your parents don’t use your body to attract mates and influence power use your body to unlock the magical dimensions of being - about sexuality, nudity, sexiness and beauty I am 37yo (in 2018) and yet I am still extremely fresh and sexy, I love the way my body still radiates deep unconscious energies that act like a key that open people to the experiences of a higher dimension of being The body was always a magical instrument that unlocks elightment, and I am so happy mine still is. all we do, we do only on some kind of high that’s why all our constructions are like they are and because we are not aware of this truth we’ve forbade drug induced ecstasies although all our decisions and all our directions and actions are body chemical infused states of high either anger, either lust, either revenge, either joy or narcissism either pride or appreciation from the others, either fear or survivalism its all fucking synthetics people that know me love to imagine me like a dumb impotent naive frightful funny dude people that don’t know me love to imagine me as a sadistic satanic psychopathic abusive wise freak its great that I am neither “better than intimacy and sensuality are politics and justice” being social you need to be high as fuck to go beyond the natural anxieties against abuse

174 I WAS WRONG

did you know that 95% of serotonin is in the digestive tract where it regulates intestinal movements and only 5% in the brain? that serotonin is responsible for vomiting and diarrhea?

I am always going to be alone with short rare moments of togetherness I have to renounce my undieing hope for a great beautiful social and meaningful life it pains me to much and blurs my thoughts but day by day I am. learning who I am and what makes me be and what is good and meaningful for me the one I am and not the one I should be I am always going to be alone with short rare moments of togetherness. no art, no recognition, no collaborators, no reverberations or disciples. only with onanistic artsy activities for the sake of my own thrill and enjoyment like children playing surreal nonsensical games I am always going to be alone with short rare moments of togetherness it makes me afraid, but I will be ok for I was always lucky and I never fought for survival I don’t care if I live or die my biggest mistake was when I started to promote the erected cock as an artistic symbol for freedom since then all my life went to the crapper and I cannot go back at being fascinated by normal social and political subjects I know that I am a great artist and I also know that that means nothing my art can or cannot be a reverberated value throughout the world great art means nothing, same as truth or as beauty, even as God and that is a good thing I love the way people look strange at me when I refuse their commercial offers to make or present my art, malforming it to fit their systems I always prefered to achieve nothing than to achieve bad things

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175

why should we care for social issues when they all are a direct effect of our insides we should find the courage to abandon all political and social issues and begin a massive inner subject propaganda for all our outside world is first build inside inner subjects are 1million of a million times more important than their immediate effects in the material social and structural fabric of reality we try to cure cancer by caressing it with ointments we need to start deep fundamental change could it be possible to restrain people’s natural inclination towards emancipation and enlightenment for their value in organized closed labour could it be possible for very very very rich people to do that? keeping people ignorant and coercing them to work as slaves in factories and administrations? knowing that I speak only for my self limits my ideas (I have renounced at hoping for listening minds - the only certainty is my presence - all the few of you are just transient nothingness like an empty echo) I hate making art for art has spectators attached to it lame silent voyeurs that consume you and let you starve I hate art I am a giver I suffer when I can’t help another I look into people’s eyes and I can only see their common obsession towards infected dreams 13 women in the store all dreaming at the same thing, all working for the same purpose, all buying stuff for the same goal, all suffering for the same deliverance my problem with art is that its most intimate characteristic is that it is for the others i tried to make it only for me, but its lifeless like that, art needs people working with it that is why art is not good for me

176 I WAS WRONG

all people contact develops anxiety even sexual one even enslaved one a woman’s philosophy of life is influenced by the number of refused requests of sexual intercourse a man’s philosophy of life is influenced by the number of refused requests of sexual intercourse I love to stay in twilight, asleep for days on end, living in worlds of fantasy until even reality becomes a dream my biggest regret in life is that I cannot live in the world of my writings self pity is healing self pity is cleaning it is a practice that I love a practice that sets me free I was always super super smart in a stupid stupid apparel I was always super super emphatic and needed the protection under an autism/comedic apparel I am glad that people around me over 35yo begin to see it too although they still cannot see my function in their world. all my life I was trapped not only in a stupid society but also in a stupid mind and a stupid body that is why I cannot respect the mores of society those of the way we should think and be and neither those of the body the just sacrifice is not to accept stupidity but to fight stupidity people find it very disturbing and confusing when you don’t use your intelligence against them

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177

I am tired of fighting against the superego I will meet you only if you are nonhuman I will meet you only if you are without boundaries I will meet you only if you have faith in love I will meet you only if you have faith in death I will meet you only if you are comestible I will meet you only if you are abstract I will meet you only if you disagree with the rules and regulations I will meet you only if you prefer to fly I will meet you only if you naked and afraid I will meet you only if you are facing a wall blindfolded I will meet you only in total darkness without forms and shapes I will meet you only in places without a function I will meet you only at times outside schedules of a day I will meet you only if you submissively become part of my artwork I will meet you only if you don’t identify with your own history I will meet you only if you do not bring yourself with you I will meet you only if you submissively become part of my artwork I will meet you only if you don’t identify with your history if you assume I am human it is difficult to understand me try assuming I am angelic and that in everything that I do is the quest to uncover the vivid divine presence of love if I meet with you it means you are not human, but an angel we dedicate our lives minds and perception to the instruments we best can use artistic industrial political conceptual emotional scientific religious we are empty vessels filled with environmental workings, ready to function as long as we can’t understand what love truly is we dedicate our lives to objects because we tragically need to run away from people but we cannot

178 I WAS WRONG

we all live, and always lived in misunderstanding we tried and tried for thousands of years to understand the source of this unknown language that controls us and we still have no idea what it means all that we are all that we do we are pushed by this language inside of us, our genetical outcome we call it these days and yet even if we know so much about it we still have no idea what the language means we so poorly interpret it, like interpreting the language of dolphins or of elephants we are still strangers in our own nature I look in people’s eyes and I see the eagerness in younger people and the apathy of older people the eagerness without a goal the apathy without that goal all our lives are just shit and all our fight is how not to know that, for as long as possible and to ignorantly enjoy anything we find mildly enjoyable all I want to hear from you is come here, let yourself to me you can be nothing now what is health? we still don’t know we still cannot have an honest dialogue with our organic nature we still use war and colonialism even on our own inner truth even angels get confused about their identity and meaning if living in our world for long, or if educated in our world I believe in the domestication of our human nature as a necessity towards emancipation towards petting human nature with love and respect

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179

as long as you cannot be honest as long as you are afraid to be honest fearing that sincerity will destroy your construction I cannot help you I cannot work with you it doesn’t matter that you desire honesty it doesn’t matter to give me hints from under the heavy secure mask and there I can help how do you save someone that got to believe, since small childhood that there is no love, no god, no purity? in a world of abuse and violent lifestyle even though we know that that purity is in them, but they’ve spinned it as being a great frailty to be fought and eliminated how do you save them knowing that although they use the same words as you, their meaning is completely at the opposite a long time ago I saw a solution a solution for living a simple life it started with finding out what are my most essential needs I was luck because I never had important desires to quit from no personal, social desires not even for a meaningful respected life the solution was nothingness + sexuality that was the basic necessities for a simple good life unfortunately going for both of them started a huge huge process, a world in itself a world that was so weird and different that I had to find a container for it, a laboratory for it to grow thus art but with each added thing to solve a problem, I added so many other problems but still even if all became a huge shitty mess my purpose is still the same nothingness + sexuality and its articulation into communication form

180 I WAS WRONG

people have too conflictual upbringings they found meaning in heaving a conflictual life I didnt’ that’s why I don’t understand much of their ways that’s why they don’t make sense of much of my way life is still a war zone filled only with soldiers with very very few pockets of peace scattered throughout it I love to cut myself I love honesty only because being sincere is such a powerful weapon to instantly decapitate your opponent I love blasting people’s guts with my hardcore honesty brutal gun if I eat you and you eat me what will we become? we learn that our lives are successful only if we succeed in becoming something like an antibody, a social antibody you can live your whole life without being a human rich people look at poor people as poor people look at dirty alcoholic homeless you’re surrounded and appreciated by amazing people please stop talking to me I am confused everything around me is not what I think it is everything in me is not what I believe it to be I have to accept my chronic delusion

CIRCLE III

181

its great to have nothing you have nothing to lose you can tell all the truth you want without any alter motive without any purpose or gain except the pleasure of finding the truth I love the ones that intuitively know that body, identity, history and all life is all image, all thin ireal image of reality I love those that understand that all image is not real and that we play with images without being able to touch reality I love those that understand even life itself as mear image unfortunately the world is inhabited by those that identity themselves not with truth of nothingness but with the social fabric of interconnected rules and regulations, behavior based togetherness I hate those that try to make images reality I hate those that believe that what is not for money it doesn’t matter and doesn’t exist life is not made out of money fighting against something you just reinforce its conceptual framework and its deception upon truth working with people is great but knowing people is never a good thing knowing should be part of some work and work part of some knowing have you ever helped an enemy of your way of life to conquer you and your loved ones faster and easier? people think that if they will buy me they will help me a lot their use of me, will ennoble me and my talent and art unfortunately I am not for sale (this is the worst and most painful think that ever happened to me and I think it will happen more and more from now on) I prefer to remain free and of no value forever than a very valuable slave serving their power/money hungry agendas

182 I WAS WRONG

I miss you all terribly all to whom I’ve fallen in love with your inner god essence and outer pure expression of it but is normal for love and body are of different types of existence for love is one and body are many the majority of people believe that the objects represented by words or images are real and not just other images or words we have brought to life a system of signs initially made up only to help us hunt and organise together better and now we mistakenly believe in the actual reality of words. again and again about one of our most fundamental fallacies - the confusion and misguided belief in what is the fabric of reality and what is the system of decoding it I use objects as metaphors others use metaphors as objects what is reality made of? although we do not understand each other not in the leastest it is amazing how people have found a fake common ground to share some of their functionalities so extreme they’ve went with this fake land, than now they’ve forgot it is fake, taking it to be their true and absolute origin I am so ashamed crossing into my 40s I am still 14yo and did nothing all my life just wasting time

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be happy you’re a woman be happy you are a goddess and yet women although they have all the world open to their whims they want only one man that will never fully satisfy her life enjoy your freedom girls for being a man is horrible always chasing like a dog for women already wanted by better men than you always being chased by gay men wanting to fuck you to bits enjoy your power girls feed from it you are the first line of gods on this planet everyone wants to drink from your magic everyone wants to be close to your mind bending pussy you are a psychedelic drug the most powerful in the world don’t throw that away out of stupid fearful education eliberate yourself into the magic of your being into the magic of nature as it is and not in the sexless social order I chose art because the artist is the only one that can say take me as I am, for what I am is important no other function in society is as unbending as an artist all others are undergoing extreme change according to the owner’s expectations, perceptions and plans for your talents artists are the only ones truly independent although slaves everything that I am writing here can be resumed to one single message “fuck you” please please please don’t allow me to love you don’t open your soul towards me pleaaaseeee fuck off it doesn’t really matter who or what you are it only matters how you defend yourself that’s your identity

184 I WAS WRONG

has anyone studied the nature of #talent what the fff talent is what was through the ages for I do not believe talent is talent talent is a sort of birth characteristics as weird and mysterious as charisma how were these things called in the fairy-tale ages i guess in Christianity it was called the holy spirit people divide in two categories the ones that want more things - hoarders the ones that want less things - suicidals people are eager to be lifted away to the skies into paradise people are passionate about rising themselves to divinity but that’s so stupid I love those few ones that understood that the paradise needs to be brought down in this world angles descending on the world and not the world ascending to the angels. and I think that’s what Satan was in the beginning Satan was the first Jesus God didn’t punished adam and eve he set them free and sent his most cherished angel to do it in the land of the magic there are no better or worse people there are no worthy and unworthy there are no useful and useless people no rich and no poor no smart, no stupid no running after, no running away from people there are no hierarchies of people there are no owners and no slaves there are only unique amazing beings different and complementary all united in love

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185

I make art I write here I think all the time about art and depths of existence perception and feeling for one reason only to attract pussy to have what to fuck to be king for another creature that looks at me in awe to be able to treat women as objects and fuck them without caring at all for their personality and life and feelings that’s the only reason I act as a great spiritual guru and sacred artist everything else is a lie all my subjects are chosen to elicit sexual response from women to like me naked and the way I am in my art I just try to describe me so the ladies feel safe coming over to my place and spreading their legs for a few times there is nothing else true about my art nothing all else is just bullshit I am just as shitty and exploitative as any other creepy man hustling women for sex I am just as abusive and coning as any other man how much effort and time people put in finding a way of living without love and they never succeed and forever regret it living a life of guilt most of the people believe that the world is fundamentally made out of people and they don’t even know it certainty about a path are multiplicities of connected beliefs into a faith that comes with experience and living it has nothing to do with truth is just repetition and repetition of the same lies into a working system of existence that’s why the systems always periodically fail every 30 years or so that’s why people look for anti systems so that they wont experience the total collapse of an inner existential one

186 I WAS WRONG

i believe in the necessity of aristocracy who doesn’t, are just plain stupid if I love you and you love me is like we eat each other we eat from each other we feed from each other? love is a verb love is an action love is not a state of being its soo soo interesting how all the best and most valuable ideas and creations are actually worthless financially its interesting how society has chosen not to care for those creating freedom and truth actually fighting against them and their ideas - see the history of internet and how all emancipation is done as a war against society and not as a beautiful happy enthusiastic development of society emancipation is always seen as a disease maybe even in evolution all new shifts in DNA are attacked by the old order of things and only if the new strand survives the attack is seen as something better and worth multiplying if so our society acts and behaves as an animal so until our society becomes a conscious being, rational and emphatic we are all doomed to live inside animalic rules and regulations without humanity - see wars societies against societies dog vs dog to the death if men are the kings of social construction how come there is still marriage monogamy family? why haven’t they eradicated such female empowering structures? such sexual demeaning dynamics how low can you go not as low as I want to

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187

cut me cut me deep I need you that can cut me that understands the wisdom of cutting another the best thing in my life is that I forget very easily and remember things with great difficulty thus I am always new and empty and without regret or desires I am just happy to exist in that moment a new moment no matter how often I have repeated that one moment that is the secret of my wisdom and since I convinced myself that this is a virtue and actually helps my life alot I am happy, always amazingly happy I am a great great actor an actor with nothing inside or with something that can never go outside each time I want to be truthful I panic and hide inside my actor I hide i’m my actor even within myself I have so rarely seen my real me I don’t even think it exists anymore I treat myself as being empty wrapped all in by hundreds and hundreds of characters. you will never see my truth I am always acting, always faking it and I am soo good at faking it sooo sooo good I am soo good that my fakeness is better that truth but I am tired of being an actor and sometimes I succeed in not putting my character on in the mornings but only for a short time for I get cold naked and eagerly I put on a character and I have great great ones to put on so amazing characters that I have thrown away everything that I had real inside that’s why I don’t believe in anything real or truthful we are all wrappings

188 I WAS WRONG

I have never put layers on I have take away but layers still are and were think about those that think they are so naked and need to put layers on truth is that thing that makes the lie believable truth is that craft that lets us lie with great sincerity intimacy and power the more truth you have the more crazy things you can be, feel, think, because the lie is subtler and of a more magical substance the absolute truth reaches love love being the best lie ever, the king of kings of lie that’s why it is seen as the substance of God we are the people we know you know the best of artists you are a best artist you know the pianists you are a pianist you know the filmmakers you are a filmmaker you know the comics you are a comic yo know the actors you are and actor who do I know? nobody and that’s what I am and that’s with whom I belong with the nobodies people want to enrich their own experience of life of love of sex of self I want to enrich life itself sex itself love itself self in itself that’s the difference between perversion and poetics people reduce all meaning to function I always look for meaning into function for meaning is a sort of metakarma few things are universally good and universally bad if any

CIRCLE III

189

why is it that evil is always about the upper classes and the rulers of a land I wonder... why is it that rulers always become evil, even with all their effort to do good what makes every ruler in becoming hated feared or despised? weren’t all these forms of people organization for the betterment of humans? strange outcome... I wonder why my main activity in life is wasting time I write out of guilt miming some sort of meaningful activity for me, my ideal life, would be death but well we cannot have what we want so we accept the next best thing wasted life the biggest crisis in my life is that my narcisism is eroding away it’s beginning to hate and punish the way my body looks and feels and with it all my belief in that that we are all loving oneself and believe we are perfect angles I am losing my grip on all angelic descending in filth and abysmal self disgust and lost faith in anything I am more and more and more desperate with each unanswered begging with each unanswered lamentation with each unanswered erected cock desperation is so profoundly beautiful so cleansing so refreshing after a session of desperation I feel like reborn I feel again alive after all the screaming mind and perception after screaming body and soul after all the tension and chaos in the mind after all the begging and pleading after all the crazy actions and reactions and words after all rejection and failure when it all passes when it’s all consumed and dead and burned you wake up soo beautifully reborn I love desperation

190 I WAS WRONG

people are not food stop treating people as food feeding your hunger or taste of social needs amd whims unfortunately we yet don’t know what people are so we treat them as objects machines animals pets food whatever we find a workable system that’s why we have very very bad systems of perception for we automatically assert compensatory definition to those things we cannot grasp - as we do with humans the short explanation is that hell cannot exist because in essence you can be forgiven at any moment by god, if you find your inborn faith in Him this is about that god thing we all. have inside that creates stupid hope, that creates idealism and erases past memories of bad out of all memories, that is thrilled at the beauty of a rednclouded sunset or a small kitten there are no lost souls who ever wrote about that made a terrible mistake, and all. the philosophies, laws and politics and religions based on that are wrong the bastards invented satan and all enemies of state after the soulless lie only to motivate crime and war to lower classes sad but remember God is in all people always amd forever since birth until death no matter the upbringing the traumas the world around them, they all have love inside unknowingly too often but well nothing is perfect evilness is a political invention a political by-product evil is not real its so great when you realize that your life has been wasted and there is nothing for you out there anymore such a joyous eliberating feeling there is nothing you have to do, nothing you have to become, nothing to prove

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191

all I am trying to show you all is that a life of despair is a good life even a better and a more truthful one but different with different emotions and experiences and with a different sense of love despair, fail, waste take us closer to love and truth I always have respected people and I always will no matter how stupid, wrong and delusional they are why is it that the abstract is not taken seriously? why everyone thinks the abstraction is stupid insane gibberish and with no value whatsoever when for me is the most important tool towards truth? all heaven is on earth all hell is on earth due to communication restrictions in the past and also due to illiteracy all realities through word of mouth became myth and then religion nothing is above something because nothing is an abstract thing nothing doesn’t exist in reality saying that something comes out of nothing it means like somethingness is descended from nothingness somethingness is a lower form of nothingness its weird how now we believe, because of our inner material construction, that something is above nothing we hate karma and we look to do only reversible choices and actions of no importance or change or becoming at all we hate choosing our own we hate sculpting in time

192 I WAS WRONG

we cannot grasp love because in reality it doesn’t exist and because our education is based on reality love is in the world of divine, in the world of ideal, out of nothingness love and nothingness are divine are ideal and we as beings are divine amd out of nothingness we are only part real, such a small small part this utter excruciating belief in reality is still a belief, and belief is also an abstraction it’s sad that these so important truths are hidden from us and that all we are thought in life is to obey and believe in reality and social rules and defend our bodies and possessions living usless ignorant lives for thousands amd thousands of years people have enough money to change the meaning of words that’s how they’ve stollen love truth nothing abstract magic sincerity freedom suffering -don’t forget that the construction of the world is not a free uncontrolled process with what have you been thought to identify your identity? each one of us should write his own #bible it is very important to write your own divinity down and then with age to read it and not forget it and re interpret it and reunderstanding it because with time we become more and more stupid and forget all all that was revealing and true due to our human decomposition its so sad to see that people still love to be lied to as a standard of doing things so lucky are the people that are content with only one self with only one persona

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193

the only thing that helped me survive this long to have a job and work and make some money and buy food was and is something that I hate about me since young childhood it is my happy happy joy joy way of being with people I was never a good professional, I never deserved the jobs I got but people like me around them because I bring them a sense of wellness and happiness and beautiful worldness because I comfort them because I entertain them and that’s the only thing the world needs me for and that’s the only thing I sell to earn my food and that’s what I hate and what I fight against here and in my art against lies and covering up and yet people only like me for what I hate refusing adulthood is a form of protest i think intelligence is measured in the number of layers of reality and thus consciousness known and understood the new church and religion is that of commercialism it is there to guide us, help us, and keep us sane and alive against all our enemies religion was invented when the people weren’t really interested into love that much so someone had to force them into it although I am always talking about truth I lie as much as anyone we should start by admitting we are usless failures artistic = abstract

194 I WAS WRONG

unfortunately art is not truth art is exactly like clothing like language something through which people to fight for power it is not about truth, for truth and beauty has no value is still about those types of people that are pushy and forward and careless about others all their need being to be the conqueror and highest in the food chain, in the hierarchy system there are no places without hierarchy, not even in art or religion, not even in anarchy or communism it doesn’t exist because not because it is impossible or incompatible with our human nature but because without a hierarchy of power, people find it without purpose to get together and create imagine how many things are out there outside our small selfish human nature and human drives how little have we explored outside of ourselves I am not talking about individual exploration, that is done, but it is forgotten i am talking about civilization wise like the landing on the moon its still all about typologies of character art is without value of meaning until a powerful man comes and uses it to climb societies systems and hierarchies there is no truth except their truth and their followers truth lately I haven’t met or even seen a sane normal human being everyone is screwed somehow everyone is trying to look and be normal but they forgot how is like all the normal people have disappeared there are some older ones, but they are all senile forgetful and closed up inside due to all this techno revolution they cannot grasp anymore we will soon have a deep or we are already in it, crisis of sanity I never thought about that, but I think mental sanity is a very very rare and precious thing throughout the history of civilizations enjoy the armageddon

CIRCLE III

195

who the fuck reinvented what a human being is that allowed modernism then rocknroll then punk then porn then satanism then gay then transgender someone had to write something somewhere that made the state to approve such liberties monogamy and couple have appeared because of the utter disappointment of women in sexual relationships with men so instead of looking for a good one women have invented monogamy, for is better to have exclusivity with someone, the comfort and security of the other being prezent all the time the change with time and the learning of a fuller sexual experience with each other and yes with all its side effects freedom is not kind with women I am always trying to become what you believe I am I love the way people get annoyed by the things I write about how I feel and the way I am and see life that’s actually their own making in me so they get annoyed about their own creation and they want for me to stand up and fight their belittling and abuse and carelessness towards me, against them, and so they will feel proud of me so I as a person I would appreciate only those that can face fight and be ok with my own abuse towards them that’s on what our social life and its psychological effects is based on conflict and abuse and integration of abuse as norm and value as in an army in a war watercolours that’s how we communicate one with another light watercolours beauty is only available for the rich we the poor have to be content with the thrills of pain dirt and truth

196 I WAS WRONG

changes are made only by the powerful the weak change nothing, never stop kidding yourself it’s like the change of the TV format, from 4:3 to 16:9 all the children wanted to be something a ballerina a doctor an astronaut a policeman I didn’t know what I would want to be because I was what I wanted to be and loved it so much I wanted to be a child and I still have the same passion today it’s amazing how shitty people are imagine that religion was built in popularity through the absolute forgiveness of sins and of course nobody really believed in that but they all used it out of selfishness and because although a crippling lie it was socially accepted the forgiveness of sins through church work it’s so sad that all of you need to be conned and lied into making the good thing the purpose of beauty was divine beauty/safe/order was so extremely rare it was extremely powerful the world was sunken into misery and filth into terror and despair a glimpse if beauty was enormously healing that’s why empires fought and killed to have it that’s why artists were so important that’s why beauty was only clerical and royal that is now over beauty is cheep for it is everywhere it lost its divine powers -spiritual power is now again only in the human the most difficult and hopeless thing to be sublime and to be able to raise others into bliss we are living great great times the times of angles on earth

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CIRCLE IV

dead or alive situations

198 I WAS WRONG

although I talk in riddles my basis is applied realism of experience and knowledge, a sort of scientific if you may and that is why I am interested in the limits and fails of consciousness. that’s why I had many metaexperiences and I am interested in the unknown and its peculiar universe. unfortunately I was born extremely intelligent and could grasp the known world very very fast and was interested more in the outskirts of intelligence and what is outside of it for always I needed the circumstances of of a phenomenon to understand it. context and framing being enormously important for us no not the problems put us to the wall but the way we see the world. is not the accident of events, it’s our construction up until the accident of our own labyrinth. or the antonymous of the labyrinth, the organum anima we grow upon all things surrounding us.

I don’t like people that lost their faith and I don’t trust their art or their intelligent ironic solutions there are all murderous and sociopathic because I am afraid of people we will meet in a special way completely bypassing normality

CIRCLE IV

199

I’ve been haunted by the forest lake all my life by its warm gentle peaceful depression by the infinity of its enclosure an eye of divinity I tried the best I could in life and failed normal life is like when you put street clothes over pijamas to go out and buy a bread guts invented fear i seek for a world where there is neither poor artists are a menace using their orifices their bodies their fluids their pain their fears their taboos their anger their limits their insanities their everything just to earn a little money to ease their hunger neurosis anything out of their bodies that can be sold to those with money amd desire for it its whoring and a whoring lifestyle makes people dangerous for having no limits for accepting anything for being filed with disease and mental damage poor artists enforce the evil system of human use as obsession instruments of desire looking for in objects and people to descover their sacrality through amateur art-need today in art everything is so macro the human must be overwhelmed by the work of art by the huge details by the notorious repetition ad infinitum all is big enormous gigantic art made by giants for little people art made for you to lose yourself in the details of the world weird expectation is the true definition of a thing definitions only try to describe in short the expectations towards that they describe

200 I WAS WRONG

we translate all in ideas until there is nothing else beyond them let your insanity free challenge me with something I need your destruction fear to fear I fear people so much because I was found guilty while I am innocent -and I fight this guilt by destroying the institution of justice both in the world and in myself -but all I do is just to transform myself from innocent to guilty so I can be judged in honesty -I want to become guilty for I am tired of being blamed for nothing you we’re born to live your life to enjoy it as much as possible while you’re young and beautiful your we’re born to taste from all the pleasures of the world -yep that sums it up for the destiny of all people there is nothing else beside that -the swamp of human existence unfortunately

CIRCLE IV

201

we should be running naked so much until our bodies become meat until our bodies lose all their connection with us until it loses its symbol and higher function deconnected from the myth and mind and identity we are not our body we are not not our body our body is not an ornament its an instrument of connection with the earth imi e foarte greu sa intilnesc oameni noi, evit violent de cele mai multe ori, am o fobie ciudata si de aceea incet incet am ajuns in nevoia de a gasi o alta lume o lume in care aceasta evitare dura este sublimata de aceea am deschis noi porti in mine de aceea imi desfac tot ce gasesc in mine de aceea rup legaturi cu norma cu traditionalul cu binele un drum al durerii continue un drum care mi-a gasit lumi uimitoare, lumi ascunse, lumi adinci in care traim fara sa stim am o fobie ciudata #sinnespace we have no nice lights no nice accessories no nice ideas or emotions they are all too expensive for us the shit and scum of the world -but we’ve found art and we’ve stole it for we need a form of doing of feeling of thinking higher than us -the illegitimate use of art forms

202 I WAS WRONG

not helping an artist to live in this money world letting the vultures steal their work or letting them die is not nice of you dear friends you feed from free carcasses you are creepy hienas all of you that feed on artists without ever helping them -remember this next photos you scroll, next performance, next indie film you download, next songs you listen on YouTube, next like, next message of appreciation you send -help artists not become commercial, help them not to sell their soul to dumb cheap fake people with money a new religion appears as a reaction against the vanity of opulence. it begins as a way of life without the huge logistics of normality as it is sold in this moment. a new religion appears as a breath of fresh air unfortunately the opulence will very soon steal it when it begins to get momentum and power. the rich always buys the powerful and then malformes it into their own vanity thus killing it. ie Christianity/RomanEmpire or Buddhism/ Ashoka. and today they are the International Corporations that buy new ways of truth. to speak about God you need to journey through Hell what are the good things you hate to do?

I am happy that I am destined to do nothing in this world in this life Its great that even if I try some angel keep me out of it all and that is great because all good in this world is done with so much bad that I don’t really like this good that much and I don’t want it there is nothing to do for anything you do is more bad than good so thank you for this free destiny the less things you accomplish the more good you actually do don’t forget to discredit yourself periodically for all credit is build on fakeness

CIRCLE IV

203

awaken people with a different dream refusing our mind/identity connection with our bodies it’s much creepyer and dangerous than being a sluty perverted exhibitionist you are never what you want what you feel you are you are what they want you to be and you fight at least to do it 50/50 50 truth 50 their truth (a lie) I don’t fit in any social group they never liked me always suspicious of my incomplete adherence to their worldview of my faith in them and their truth which even them themselves know it doesn’t exist but they all desperately imitate one we respect cycles only because we find ourselves being engulfed by them I want you to know more about me from me than to build your own me without me its so interesting how people think they know the signs of love in another - no, you didn’t loved me when they barely know what love is inside themselves - I loved you so much let’s not forget that most people can’t yet differentiate between knowledge belief and supposition for them it is all knowledge, all mind, all conscious, all real let’s not forget that most people don’t yet understand what perception is and their separation from reality through it for them it is all direct real and true the only way you can be honest these days is admitting you are a fake and a liar people will believe you and appreciate you deeply I am fascistic about my art

204 I WAS WRONG

we want to become rich because we don’t really like the world we already have around us and yet we defend it with our lives and we fight enemies with all our rage and vengeance only because rich people’s belongings look nicer and naturally seduce our primal urges so few have the courage to create their own value and beauty out of the ugliness around, to culture experience pain without fear its eliberation but the path towards it is impossible is death we are criminals organized criminals a mafia, insurgents, terrorists that fight for freedom freedom of mind, freedom of love, freedom of humanity women are soo soo stupid about empowering their own sexuality so conformists and unsure about breaking through the image men have molded them into the same way people are afraid to break through the molds politics have educated us into being is easy to be free if you don’t do anything and if nobody believes you and if nobody asks you to prove it it’s such an immense joy of freedom when you achieve a desire-body a identity made out of the desires and beliefs of the future achievements of desires - an identity of delusion you’re fucked you completely forget who you are, you completely lose faith in your own truth. how can a person like that can be eliberated? some people are completely into the ‘how’ of things some into the ‘what’ of things

CIRCLE IV

205

my biggest dream is to become a ‘we’ and eliberate myself from this ‘me’ I fight for humanity for the humanity of the poor but I don’t hit in the face and I don’t use knives or guns I hit to the liver and in the other soft organs there was a error in male female distribution of experience of existence why women have no cock why men have no vagina how sexes have chosen their path or why? why have they chosen to ignore their complementary opposite side why have they started of making enemies of their opposite and abandon their known wholesomeness what made them change an important change as the rural to urban one there was not only a mercantile motive but a deeper fault in the ancient system that people needed to find a new solution to exist to be to continue to exist kill me and two more shall take my place the worst people are those that are not normal but not insane either revolutions are not done with parties I am here in this life to continue my lying to fight and make my lies as truth could we all become aristocracy?

I am a stranger a creep for sure someone that will do you harm imagine what this world would be without this unconscious drive about living in love

206 I WAS WRONG

the more I try to eliberate souls the dirtier I feel the dirtier people look at me experiencing another’s body is sacred without faith even God has no power its such a great wonderful experience to simply feel yourself being in life I have all the qualities of being a very successful human being but I choose to refuse it because I don’t belive in the society and its archetypes as they are today and I will not help it at all I prefer to be blamed as a creepy stranger a dangerous pervert or a shitty insurgent I believed that the smarter you get, the more knowledge and understanding you acquire, the more cultured, tasteful, classy one gets the nicer a person one gets the more humane one person gets and thus the salvation of the world but its not no matter how mega cultured you get you remain the same shitty prick you always were culture doesn’t make you a better person just a cultured prick just a cultured shitty person we’ve fought to change the soul of people but all we’ve achieved is to change their clothes we cannot make a person to become a better person thats why the interesting thing is, the mysterious thing is, what is that unchangeable person that embedded birth way of being?

CIRCLE IV

207

you can never change people you can only brake them apart and show them the parts and how they work together so they can better chose and better know what they are made of my life’s mission is to understand the true nature of humans. to know more about themselves than themselves why? what will you do with that knowledge? what will help you with? why have you started on this path? what accomplishments and satisfactions and healings have it gave to you that you keel passionate and enthusiastic about this path? although nudity presents itself as a great ritualistic metaphor for eliberation and path towards love and understanding of reality and existence it also comes with a great baggage of misuse its the same with love, the same with faith, the same with truth actually is such a genius perverted idea that people had to fight against nonconformism against ideas and inner drives that are not according with the social system already established I wonder how and where free people have created their own lives and lineages what do we do with our feelings how do we use them for what should we use them in life we chose mostly to waste our feelings away or consume them as we’ve been thought to do with them for they have no function no usefulness nu value in the constructivity system of social life

208 I WAS WRONG

I am beginning to suspect that women learn with the same difficulty as men to like and sexually get close to men its not the same as the powerful innate no matter what attraction men have to women, always, no matter the look, the character or health.

I think men have invented love out of this and then tried to teach it to women too (maybe the reason men invented God) believing or not believing their lack of the same continuous poliattraction to them this can explain so much of man woman interaction and dynamics and roles created between them this can explain the anger of women against men and the objectivisation of men upon women love is not about loving flowers and puppies love is about loving real raw disgusting creepy malfunctioning abusive people love is about loving a willful independent being women cannot love they only accept men cannot accept they only love women idea of love is complete possession (identification with the other), coming out from the extreme emotions of motherhood and biological patterning for that love equals not love and yet love is fundamental for equilibrium i am not a introvert, i am not an extrovert i am a confusing something else something else is always confusing people walk through life like walking between two speedy trains future and past desire and remorse and they always pull you either under one or the other the middle way is shitty the auto and the emotional + the motor and the mind = our identities we mostly choose an abusive relationship with our emotional side few try friendship and understanding

CIRCLE IV

209

I cannot respect and obey grammar because I had to brake through it destroy it to understand words i broke words to understand meaning i broke meaning to understand insanity I broke insanity to understand worlds I broke worlds to understand bodies i broke bodies to understand silence i broke silence to understand understanding failure is such a great thing failure has made me so much smarter and more understanding than anything else in life I now understand why there is a great decadence of aristocracies why all high classes descend into utter stupidity without failure, without the constant insuccess without the constant wall in front there is no struggle for finding solutions no struggle for achieving no struggle for understanding the wall in front more obstacles more failures more struggles more things to understand and figure out by yourself how they work more layers of reality discovered more happiness and joy when finding a new solution. having success, having immense rewards without any struggle make people in one two generations weak and stupid all addicted to the system they were born into and all systems are in continuous change and decay if not maintained I am a negro that fights to be seen as white the great cocktail of life fear remorse guilt failure shame desire

210 I WAS WRONG

without sex what is the point of doing anything? without sex nothing is worth the effort to do all you do is sexual yet porn boudoir sexy is not sexual I have been begging for far too long without any success I am but a beggar now a creepy disgusting rejected beggar the more something is a failure and more difficult to achieve the more value and importance it gains needing to use people to make art with is crazy painful is a suffering ongoing impossibility is a silly failed idealism is an ongoing unfulfilled obsession a chase for a never achieved drug an obsesive dream never realised in a no budget art making for buying people is extremely easy should we care about God and his usless imaterial bs or better care to fulfill your obligations towards everyone around? if men and women have something in common is the need to abuse belittle and enslave the other sex and the same sex as well as a natural form of survival and dialogue thus the instinctive conflictual way of us all. refusing it is still a hidden extreme taboo ignore success refuse success fight against success

CIRCLE IV

211

fame has to be for no quality no value nothing for no challenge no risk no danger no death for fame is based in utter nonvalue and fakeness that’s why people want it so much to cover up their own loss and failure is not the humans that have succes among others is not kindness and humanity that is of value but psychopath and sociopathic behaviour and humans that have success thus all gods are inherently psychos and all authority towards which people are attracted to people are abusive with their own emotional self they beat it into obeysance, death or lethargy or dementia and they call all their friends to help them do it, too it’s such a fun game to cripple your own emotional self the only emotions left being anger and lust I’ve always lived a successful self-sabotaged life the more I killed the more I gained back a failure in failing people always have tried to do with people what they do with tools what they do with objects. they even perversely value it enormously who uses people more extreme complex and deep but its all just a strife to prove their own power over others, their perverted godlike needs I prefer to be alone so I can keep and practice my happiness dealing with people always trains you for regret sadness and lost faith I love my faith in people I love my faith in love and I don’t want to lose it for anything in the world truth without pain is impossible that’s why I don’t believe in beauty and elegance and sweet hi-fi things invented and commercialised by people into becoming better humans

212 I WAS WRONG

you cannot change your life you are your parents son you are born in that world you create yourself out of that world romanians never could understand why should they be the best at what they do never could understand why they should sacrifice themselves to become respectful and better than others and it all comes out of our innate historical subversivity being conquered by all the bigger empires all the time and yet never respecting their emancipation and betterment they brought to our lives no we don’t sacrifice our amazing experience of life for hot water and sliced bread somehow romaninan unconscious is amazingly wise and humane renouncing seeing people arranged in hierarchies in pyramids of worth of value of intelligence sets you free sin is addiction sorrow is normativity Christianity was a promise away from them in each era someone has lost hope for some kind freedom slaves negros for black suppression people under communism class struggle I wander what freedom do we fight for today the saddest thing for me is to see angels dieing angels fading away in death drowned by selling themselves by fighting to become proud of themselves by fighting to be appreciated by fighting to be as commercially valuable as possible its so so painful to see great souls being pushed aside as useless as impediment to success where do you practice your purity? (about the decaying nature of the soul if not practiced continuously) CIRCLE IV

213

if you don’t build on your already existent talent all constructions are fake and never appreciated people without talent or with small talent always fight to become great professionals and prove talent is not important and they construct against themselves and kill even that small beautiful inner truth they have because they find it not useful not famous not attractive not charismatic enough that’s how people kill their inner own purity and love I love taking these people and breaking them open and putting them again in touch with their own forgotten purity and truth (talent is actually the true self, the one that comes from before birth) don’t sell your soul to fulfill your desires (about the true body of the soul vs the false body created by achieving desires, with which we usually end up identifying with) only social life is based on logic only technological life is based on reason real life is not is more based on intuition on emotions without a precise function is more based on infinite metaphor than finite object the body of your desire is different from the body of truth when I fall in love as they say for me is only finding and connecting to that root of angelic purity in a person I don’t see it as a permission to go conquer that person and to own it I see it as a wonderful power of open heartedness they have why should you take drugs to achieve things in life? why would you destroy your health to achieve fakeness? why should we strive for more and more? for better and better for higher and higher?

214 I WAS WRONG

instead of learning the ways of many many different social modes and mores I prefer to learn about solitude and inner landscapes only by destroying magic can you understand the trick myth is a product of transmission of fiction fiction being the mental psychedelia and paranoia of the times I didn’t fight for something until I was 30yo never i never struggled for something, for a desire or for any kind of achievement I was enormously lucky because all the strife after social things will always bite you back will always make you suffer incredibly hard for nothing at all and when you’ll try to clean yourself from them it will be impossible and will always linger inside you like any kind if alcoholism i am soo fff incredibly lucky its soo mind-blowing how lucky I am not to be addicted to anything social until now and to be aware of all embedding and clean myself as soon as it starts to grow in me I am also soo lucky being a failure with everything so that nothing gets me hooked up to it stop being human no one likes a human be more machine like that’s what all are looking for repetitive clean reliable useful we’ve been living in cities only for 150 years and we are modern people only since the 1950s social dynamics social identity is still in its infancy we are still rural people trying to inhabit urban space with rural laws and beliefs and world views there is enormous inertia in all inner things we are still seeing inner life as mechanic and objectual, limited and fixed in space and time and framework strictily differentiated in time and happening CIRCLE IV

215

being with other people was always for me like being between wild lions that’s why I’ve always tried to tame them through my artwork and collaborations I fear you I fear all men and most of women the fear that we are not in love I do not defend my work she is on its own feet alone in the world without any protection being abused continuously by everyone and everything without me helping her with anything except sometimes when someone wants to get closer to her I intermediate the contact the openness the embrace I talk to you with my soul and you listen with your feet gay sex is like blood and human guts its natural but very disgusting and appalling in the beginning but with time and experience you can even start to like it but definitely you understand it and normalize it I never trusted those that like clean beautiful things but only those that liked the trash and pain and disgust of life what is the religion behind commercialism? is it a form of Judaism? owners always hate me for I am such a not good slave for I do not obey and never respect and appreciate their value systems I found a breach by working in anonymity from the owners for their 2nd or 3rd lieutenants humans are those in your social class and higher none of the lower class people are humans this is how rich amd political people also feel think and act upon

216 I WAS WRONG

its so amazing to see that people unconsciously need for the object in front of them to be real this innate animalic fundamental drive this reflex that prefers to accept as real all that is similar to it than to accept the non-reality of it absolutely amazing make something in the image of reality and people will accept it as real and be joyous about it prove them is not real and they will hate you for it. this can be seen in the - suspension of disbelief in art this can be seen in the repulsion towards experimental film and all that is not n resemblance of reality in cinema absolutely amazing in its absurdity and paradox I am beginning to research a new theory of mind that actually the soul is the gut the mind of the gut we have cherished all our history a digestive tube as being the essence of our beings so strange that is cool I would love to be so still looking for more proofs and testing spirituality is only applied spirituality reality is only applied reality science is only applied science truth is only applied truth it’s so pitty we cannot be children anymore without being children we’ve invented so many weird ways to play with each other yuukkk

CIRCLE IV

217

so many people in the ‘want’ yet many can’t to do what they want the encounter with the real thing is so frightening that the step is impossible its so confusing you never know who can do it and who only wants to do it. please stop wanting what you know you can’t do should narcisism be tabooed out of society? how many of you want to change their past their own choices how many of you cannot take responsibility for your own full past life for your own full future life? how many of you hide past things from the present?

I pity those that live their lives only by precise choices always in the know like mechanics I never knew that so so few people are interested in freedom logica magica I have always found value and deep meaning in challenging normality is like fitness for normality not protecting borders but challenging them not enforcing them but keeping them more adaptable and flexible keep your failures secret and you will be successful expose your failures amd you will be a loser despair lament and failure are my joyious playmates fuck art we just wanna fuck yet fuck without art is meaningless and art without fuck is fake

218 I WAS WRONG

I would so much love to die today my life would be complete my pain finished my endurance realeved death is my only friend my only lover in its arms I feel at home I feel accomplished I feel whole give me something worth living for the peace of love the peace of death are alike an ocean of acceptance the only thing you’ve been learning over and over again all your lives is to be distrustful of all around you I pity you all constructing layers over layers to fight and protect yourself against the lies you’ve been thought over and over again you yourself becoming that what you”ve been thought to fear I am soo soo sad about all of you I am sooo sooo sorry for your wasted lives for the fake lives you live I hoped I could help but is not that easy may love set you free to succeed in life stay away from it all stay outside it all fighting for it only leaves wounds pain and confusion for all we are searching for is full acceptance of existence is absolute openness of heart and that is never found in society

CIRCLE IV

219

did nobody told you that creating a mimetic social character to identify yourself with, to be, is not good for your life? did nobody told you that chasing to become a function, an utility, a integrated respected type of person, is just denying and killing what you truly are, or did they told you that is actually an ideal for your life and told you to hate and distrust your inner self for only the character and function is good and you yourself is innately bad we refuse nudity and sexuality only when we are trapped in the social game when we are only social persona totally forgetting/ignoring/muting our individuality not even knowing we actually exist I am that kind of man that I drop all responsibilities all the musts all the promises, knowing that it will create casualties and damages only to retreat in my silence and peace we should not force these kinds of people to be normal to work to fight for things they will always snap back into their silences give them, find them appropriate roles or throw them out of society by vilifying them art was always used as propaganda, as ideology by the ruling powers to control the more educated and inteligent of their slaves if your art is successful it means it’s useful propaganda for slavery often desguised as emancipation beware we ignore so many layers of our existence is ridiculous we ignore so many meanings of our expressions is ridiculous we ignore so many of our circumstances is absurd and yet somehow we make sense in our small vocabulary of restrictive meanings

220 I WAS WRONG

saying ‘I am rich, you can be too, is not that hard’ doesn’t help poverty in any way saying ‘I am saved, you can be ok, is not that hard’ doesn’t help suffering in any way people ask me seeing me dance do you dance? no not really do you play the quitar? no not really do you compose music? no not really are you a model? no not really are you a performer no not really a photographer maybe? nope a pornographer? not at all are you an artist or something? no not really then what do you do? nothing really, what I do cannot be called in any way recognizable yet, I am. still waiting for theorists to invent our trend, with some word or something for we don’t have one yet I need to renounce desiring to be as other amazing eliberated people to renounce trying to have their ways too I need to find my own meaning the one that is and was always around me the one I refuse or am blind to.

I will miss true beautiful ways of eliberation but maybe my destiny keeps me afar from them with a good reason I will continue my search around myself with less and less feeding from other’s solutions even if my own are so similar with theirs if I renounce art what how could I continue playing into sacrality? some people see the truth in one picture some cannot see it not even after 1million pictures and just feed their illusions CIRCLE IV

221

how much one has to beg for love until someone would spare a little bit? unfortunately my experience, my time inside the human world is like one’s adventures on high mountains short painful revelation like I don’t belong talking to them, saying anything to them, showing anything to them - it would be worn, for they are a strange different nationa, one that I do not belong to, one that I am not part of.

I see many like me, many confused ones believing and fighting to be recognised as part of the human world but they are not and they suffer for it all their lives or begin a delusional translation of meaning only to be part of the human world without understandings anything from it just having a dumb pleasure of belonging a dumb pleasure of fulfilling the necessities asked by others to be defined as a good human the vocabulary of intimacy of one being to another is so primitive, retarded and yet we keep it all under censure why? do we really still believe human beings as idiotic animals in need of domesticity? you apologize only when you know you did wrong but hope it will be accepted I prefer to be one that achieves nothing and lives frustrated by his own failures than to renounce my beliefs only to achieve success and respect boring and empty survival people are shit electronics are the best friends of the humans machines slaves

222 I WAS WRONG

if you don’t push people around you achieve nothing I prefer to achieve nothing than push people around like dead weight people believe too much, to absolute, in ideas and nothing else we live in the age of the religion of ideas. there is no faith only refusal of all faith and the logic and assemblage of ideas emotions have a very weird component timeless, spaceless and all-permeating its weird and also, somehow, it connects with information and consciousness I am beginning to understand why religion had pushed so much on the emotional side of life in belief and faith and mysticism and renouncing of social life this emotional thing is weird and amazingly powerful I don’t like to copy reality don’t explain things out of logic of it but explain it out of faith faith is a sort of 4th dimension of being amazing shit when you succed in accessing it I prefer nsfw content to all the socio political news out there no war no abuse no crisis is more important than our freedom of emotion we will always be encaged in a way or another the only important thing is to find freedom in it, in spite of it not fighting with it

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I hate meeting people through the rituals of dating it is an absurd lie, a very very bad system of signs and activities promoting roles and archetypes of being and behavior that are soo soo toxic can’t we do something else? can’t we do art instead? can’t we meet in an imaginary insane world? can’t we be deeply human about it deeply experimental deeply open about our fears and needs? fuck dating, coffees, beers, clubs and drinks let’s jump directly into deep unconscious fantasy of eliberation social should be always post-sexual post touch and sense post emotion if only sexual intimacy would not be so filled with diseases and pregnancies oh what an amazing world this would be a woman that complains about her being attractive to men and that all of them want to touch and be with her and that she is being abused all the time is like a rich person complaining about the riches they have and why people are envious on them and hate them for their opulence and luxury blaming the poor for class hate soon I will renounce my beliefs in universal love and accept the mores and automatisms of the closed couple life I am getting older and the world doesn’t budge at all I am one of those weird men that like to have sex without finishing without cumming just a long long beautiful magical plateau that have permeated into my philosophy of life into my faith into my mission into my humanity into my artwork

224 I WAS WRONG

it’s amazing how people desperately try and do meaningless little things, safe, comfy, artsy that maybe maybe they will fool others into thinking they are meaningfull thus fooling truth and the cosmos their biggest deepest need and truth to convince God that their little lying bullshit is divine. we’ve always feared truth, always fought to construct a sustainable lie always failed and we always try and try again and again acceptance and tolerance was the promise of emancipation of humanity and love unfortunately as always, people’s use of any ideal turns into mechanic trash thus acceptance and tolerance become tools for the rise of power, value, respect and usefulness of psychopathy #empathy was always a big big problem something useless and even toxic to survival that’s why we preferred the slavery system slaves have never ever wanted freedom they really loved being slaves slavery was a salvation from their previous ‘freedom’ state of being all that people wanted was a little better living conditions all that people want is a little better living conditions that’s why even today, most of them fight to become slaves being slave is a good thing is pop art is only what is featured in art galleries all the rest is garbage try and understand how deep, natural instincts are and how they work becoming life not what the psychology of social interactions is and how it works becoming profit one is sacred art the other is con art

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with everyone that I talk very very quickly we end up in spirituality amd meta subjects werid why can’t I talk about mundane things for longer why can’t I chit chat about objects and daily issues more this reflex of mine to quickly go out of the world even in discussions its werid some people are afraid of peace as much as others are afraid of war its amazing how powerful against violence and abuse, kindness is, compassion is, selfsacrifice is so few apply their ideals so few apply their beliefs most keep on living the same trash and only talk high and amazing about freedom people have different sensitivities to memory and in memory is the trigger for trauma people sensitive to trauma have amazing memories and they are those that are the angriest the most vindictive revengeful distrustful faithless people outthere unfortunately good memory is very valued in society so these people are also our leaders our creators our directors I despise those that hide their fear behind a vicious persona, of emotionless, hardcore, violent, ‘unfearful’ contact with others around them the art of hiding your soul is not an art its a pity that human relations are so limited there are people with whom you need to face up to, to argue and battle otherwise they don’t function they are deaf this way

226 I WAS WRONG

all culture is a hidden exercise in creating common consent all art that has the same purpose is not art so many create for the mind body I create only for the emotional body women have their faces to wave around men have their cocks women are abused for their faces men are abused for their cocks people die as soon as their emphatic material fades away with age leaving behind a darken empty angry soul I am afraid to show love to people they always misunderstand it but I will never kill forbid or hide my love for them its the best thrill out there I have a phobia of normality (established behavior and expectations) this phobia has sculpted my life and my way of being this phobia has protected me from he uselessness of social life has helped me find meaning in truth and freedom has kept me away from all the unnecessary entanglements of survival I am one of those idiots that believe in faith destruction is a ritual towards salvation is not chaos is not anger don’t misuse destruction don’t destroy without consent without the purpose of redemption

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my grandma thought me to fear the evil man and with time I found out that the evil man is the normal practical suspicious man that’s how I’ve became antisocial because social has become more and more ruthless and evil and grandma thought me to fear and stay away from those without faith faith in love that’s why I became antisocial because the normal man has killed his faith in love to succeed in life among his peers and their pressure I will make you dream and then repeatedly kill that dream with another dream over and over again until you’ll wake up or get completely lost in dreams “Why do I need to remember my past trauma?

I have ran away from them all my life in search for peace and love I don’t ever want to go back into that hell” and thus our whole fake world has been born.

Based on our instinct to run away, even from ourselves.

The most amazing opulent ecstatic powerful beautiful just happy colorful exterior world.

Will never ever shine through the pain and trauma we have inside.

But yeah we can fake happiness and yeah few can see through the fakeness and yeah it can seem successful and fulfilling and yeah meaningless.

For as long as we don’t begin to heal inside, we will never heal outside.

For as long as we don’t begin to understand inside, we will never understand outside.

Yes truth is a very complicated painful thing as any other process of renouncing an amazing drug. society is heroin

228 I WAS WRONG

culture is just an instrument for cultivating a common language for social dynamics nothing spiritual and artists are its craftmen independent art is cultivating selfishness all this only because love is not part of neither culture or art instead of taking revenge on you and your abject being I give you the sword to cut off my head and glorify your life with my death and bloom your rot with my pain so sad no one understands nudity as a form of sincerity so sad no one understands art as a safe place for truth so sad no one understands love as life so sad no one understands people as human beings so sad no one understands life has no value so sad no one understands that talking about things is not doing the things, having the things, being the things so sad no one understands sadness so sad no one understands there will never ever be a free world a world of truth love and empathy why having an art partner is soo difficult why having a sex partner is soo difficult why having a truth partner is soo difficult art is a form of animism anything that we do as a robot is painful like it or not agreeing or not you have to do it its not human, its painful its toxic for the soul. that’s why they’ve invented the Tao to balance the world biology and consciousness for consciousness is pretty alien to biology and instinctively fascistic my country doesn’t have dishwashers not even in concept or desire we are still in the stone ages of thought CIRCLE IV

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only with power you can change things without it all you can do is a home DIY ‘religion’ I am not only against the systems of society but because of them against the systems of insides triggered/created by those of the outside I use english and not my social language as church uses latin Imagine the power of those that can create kings without even feeling any sacrifice of their power social rituals are dead long live the new DIY interpersonal rituals how can any of you understand my honesty and purity of heart when you’re all trapped in the social rules and beliefs its normal to vilify me unfortunately it’s so normal unfortunately life is a war daily battles on and on and on some win some lose, but still fight again and again on and on and on and on that’s why all people unconsciously aim of becoming warriors desperately unconsciously looking for a purpose to fight for something to defend something to conquer its all war in every friendship, in every family, in every work space in every bar and club on all the streets -that’s why we’ve invented idealism and the ideal world the world without material, without time, without space, without survival/existence they don’t like you they like only a photo of you

230 I WAS WRONG

have you ever had days on end without being able to wake up living a dreamy life day after day? all I say here I say from a theta state of mind it is nothing real, awake, conscious it is all dreamy, lawless, raw, naturalistic as in dreams. please don’t censure our dream world, our dream states our love with the alpha awake states I’ve never liked awaken people I’ve always been afraid of them of those not able to dream of those keeping things separated people see in me a therapist someone that sees deeper into themselves than themselves fuck your art duude tell me about myself you laser eye freak how can you see those things in me? its interesting how people crave to know more about themselves but only as simple spectators sitting in their chairs, looking at themselves as to an actor on the stage. as to a foreign reflection in a mirror. they know they are not what they pretend to be they covered their truth soo deep they just want to see if anyone else can see it and often they forget themselves completely and so they are drawn to people like me that can see beyond their fakeness and then they get afraid of me for they know I know them better than they know themselves I know where all of their being comes from and why they are as they are. it took me 20 years to find out that the soul is actually the body life is more than the mind more than the world itself

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its soo sweet and unconscious of you to assume of me to be a normal person we all do it we all need a frame of reference for all human to put them in but I am not or if you thing I am crazy I am normal. and although I am fighting with all the world today and hate everyone for their stupid social patterns I will still not call my usual loving sexual partner to come and hug me to come and sleep beside me to come and talk to me about the world.

I prefer anger conflict and failure than certainty of desire don’t you ever acquire power, for then, everyone will try to take it from you I am so lucky I am a loser and nobody wants to steal anything from me for I am worthless, and peaceful.

I have all the space and time and opportunity to find magic without conflict without people trying to kill and hurt me and steal from me we always hide the truth I am always testing what people say what people believe what people faith and they always fail I love the way they make rules in the game and then prise those that exceed at them.

And people love it.

232 I WAS WRONG

I hate liking people I avoid it as much as possible and when it happens I run as fast as possible from them. people are like hard drugs they make you sooo soo high and they drop you hard and is excruciating to renounce them.

I prefer to be around only people that I don’t like around people without magic for is too painful to see them leave to lose interest in you to not come close enough to be on guard all the time to never be able to open its painful to love people to want to love people its painful and tragic to believe in love. the best way is to run fast when you find someone that you like fast and abruptly never ever get entangled with them beautiful people are like alcohol amazing, thrilling but toxic and addictive the criminals have been ruling over the world since forever and they will always continue to do so the change is only in the way they need people to serve them only thanks to technology and robotics we live peaceful times and another great bias is that we subconsciously, without our will or approval are imbued with the way people around us are it’s very strange it means that we are programmed to become one to become mass I don’t like the people that always look for the bad in people like badness is our essence reaching the goodness in people is always a painful dangerous path

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it’s so interesting to live to see the ages going by your body your. mind in their ancestral cycles patterns rules of the genes I hate the universe with its stupid laws both in time and space is there a science of rules of time or do we only concentrate on space and its xyz’s? life is a time based science not space - context I hate rare things that’s why I explore suffering and pain it’s a constant presence in our existence not a seldom dream as values or salvation I do not want to live I just want to think art is a form of animism out of hate and fear and disappointment we have for the others around us for the impossibility of truth and real deep connection so we’ve started to create our own truth sincerity and intimacy with nonconscious beings and objects the world changes when people lose faith in certain things like money like scientific laws like God like karma like self like truth like death like material mechanical reality like love like body like sex

234 I WAS WRONG

avoid being beautiful using it, you only feed your pride you only feed their envy and if you do that all your amazing ideas and truth is just secondary effects to your selfish obsession for praise that’s how all sacrality has fallen I hoped that God exists the secret of life is in the inner passing of time I’ve always gamble to lose when I think that people talk about weather, politics, famous people... and not about truth, intimacy their own inner limitations my mind gets blown with the absurdity of all our human endeavour we don’t deserve to exist for we exist against life avoiding life with every fiber of our beings we dedicate our lives to anything else around us just to avoid living this may be a post human ideology but gd our society is stupid and criminal people that feel the need to change into something more liked and loved by those around are idiots losing faith in solitude is my most frightening thing that I feel, that is happening to me solitude is more important than any help I could sacrifice myself to give to humanity I renounce all art all hassle for collaborations, spectators, exposure for I feel my solitude affected my blissful perfect existence corroded by communitarian lust unfortunately I will never be able to be happy anymore in this lifetime I’ve aimed to high for it and failed I tried and hoped for 20 years but all that is gone now my time has passed. my food now are small bits of remembrance that happen to happen throughout daily life CIRCLE IV

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the fact that entertainment is utterly inhumane is so interesting, somehow it proves that our instincts are inhumane that our nature doesn’t value life and dignity as we think but that our nobility is only an idealistic creation forced upon us by our owners I always let you decide for I fear being refused I fear being deemed abusive I fear being feared for pushing more than standard slavery norms I still cannot understand how and why we are thrilled by the things we thrill us is like how and why we dream the dreams we have dead or alive situations are the only ones that awake people unfortunately 99% of people only talk about things courageous edgy amazing things but is only talk that’s why I hate writing that’s why I believe in action that’s why I regret failure I’ve been training to be a cult leader for 20 years unfortunately there is no cult around I have failed to manipulate people into salvation and slavery to my world view to my life and existential view successful people are those that leave behind being human we have an obscene need for inhuman people nature doesn’t yet has rules for humans over 40 yo that’s why over 40 the body lives in limbo only repeating patterns already embedded in youth patterns dictated by the genetic code code that has a very complex mission with the body until late 30s not being used ithe body to live longer

236 I WAS WRONG

first I renounced love then beauty now truth I hate artists that talk about human issues with objects and not with people with ideas and concepts and not people no matter how low, desperate, painful, demeaning, lame, pathetic, disgusting I have become I respect my place in society I take it as a gift as an opportunity for experience it’s sad that all small changes take at least 10 years to understand how small fearful hateful and weak people are think about love and how they’ve reduced it to one single person and then to children and imediate family they made love from a huge universal power into a small usless domestic improbability (we tried, we fought for it, but that’s the best we could do) I am taking onto myself the whole pain of humanity I say what everyone feels and thinks what all the people do without even knowing they are doing it. we are all alone failures and desperate and we are terrified to accept it, to even recognize it so we even fight our inner truth with all our powers and resources against anyone that even tries to touch it I don’t trust any of the answers solutions and methods for happiness and wisdom and success people put out there for all of us to follow

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objectivisation is a natural animalic instinct we unconsciously objectivise everything from God to soul to love to concepts to measurements to onomatopoeia that’s in our natural apelike instincts no conscious will soon change that but understanding this fundamental limitation as real and palpable as a third hand growing we understand that the world is not only objects and acts not only mechanical and that’s what art tries to do polarises our notions about the world transforms reality from a fixed matter world into a infinite perceptual world if you try try try and try again you’ll just fail more more more we should never disrespect failure never fight against it but embrace it like an amazing flower it is <<reasonable>> being reasonable is very very very difficult because our existential beliefs and obsessions are soo soo much more powerful why do people equal privacy with intimacy? many of us are crippled just because we cannot express love in a world that forbids and vilifies it empathy vs sympathy I will not fix anything that happens to me or to those around I am just accepting it all as difficult as fixing

238 I WAS WRONG

no matter how good or bad your art is no matter how important or truthful revealing insightful sacrificing no matter how much praise, belief and promise your art has it matters only if it sells people will see it as good or bad important or truthful only if it sells people will be interested in your art and belive it only if it sells it will have a voice and statement only if it sells if not your art are just words just discussions and dreams if it doesn’t sells your art are just dreams nobody believes it really exists I love breaking the rules of anything that becomes a rule no matter how new and smart it seems if it’s a rule, it needs to be broken. it’s the way towards meaningness a world towards God only beautiful people want, need, long, respect, have faith in beauty the ugly prefer accepting disgusting ugliness as value and satisfaction what are you? the passionate love for the bad things of the world that’s what I preach for unfortunately all angels want to be in heaven for a long time, I was hiding out of fear now I hide out of guilt and shame I want to make you perform in a porn film so that all your mighty fake respect and highness will forever be dismantle porn keeps one true and natural to himself keeps one blamed and shamed so close to sacrality

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one of our most fundamental fallacies is that we feel ourselves #perfect on the inside the fault for everything is of those around. is because we are blind perceiving towards inside ourselves by nature I love the things that you cannot google for art teaches us that in order to become valuable you need to learn to master a tool with which to exilarate people. and that only a few privileged tools are up to that noble task. thus art, teaches us that there is no sublime and truth in nature. but only through extreme social cultural and bodily rafinament/ synthesis. that the soul and truth, are not inborn in us all, but that they are nurtured inside the system. kinda shitty if you ask me. kinda dystopian. kinda lie. kinda damaging to nature and its sacrality. we are romanians our god is not a machine tell me about your weakness tell me about your fears letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s connect our souls through our vulnerabilities

240 I WAS WRONG

deep thrilling bass and drums are satanic these emotional frequencies never existed in peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lives before the advent of industry, urbanism and secularism even now there is no drum and bass in religion or in any high culture in any esteemed intelectualism science or profession not even in corporations banks stores and most business. but drum and base is part of my work part of my reality truth and freedom part of my philosophy of life part of my necessary path towards enlightenment. drum and bass are like deep drugs altering our perception of their laws and rules thus satanic I was sure there is an unpenetrable perfect God seed in all of us and nothing we learn, nothing we form our minds and lives could ever break that unfortunately it does so quickly in life as soon as early childhood the worst of the human kind is that truth sounds like lies that beauty looks like dirt that love looks like perversion that God looks like the evil that compassion and empathy looks like selfishness and psychopathy imagine - they now are collecting nonstop data about us and soon all that data will be put in individual AIs creating copy of ourselves learning to become us and coercing all content back towards us so that we become what they want for they can test our reactions in our living owned avatars we will have millions of partial avatars owned by all the sites platforms and technology that we use

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books are for very lonely people the more your read the creepier you get writing is for lonely people the more they write the creepier they get stop reading, stop writing go out there, socialize stop feeding your creepy psycho ego ideal vs iconic shopping teaches people about the certainty and repetition of a successful hunt that tells you a little bit about the fakeness of reality we learn reality is just as the one making us believe we are all consciousness and body not at all the world as it is today was constructed by people over 40 people outside gene code my genes too begin to die I wonder what world will open up before my eyes without the program of the natural genetic wisdom of life beauty vs grace I hate artists that hide behind their tools, their craft, their art instead of exposing themselves through their tools, their craft, their art I have begun a new path finding joy and happiness in food drink and tv as a proper 40yo disillusioned failed and powerless

242 I WAS WRONG

I’ve always hated that I am beautiful hated that people loved me and wanted me instinctively without any reason without any concern for my identity and soul I’ve always ran away from people because they all wanted me my body my energy my special smell and weird emotions of accomplishment and revelation I give people without me being able to control it not even religion has ever had faith in humans they’ve coerced the experiences of love in closed minimised relationships, parents, husband/wife, children.

I would love to read a book about the history of the way we’ve believed humans to be throughout the ages and different world and life views.

I was blank and I was happy. with art and time I’ve learned about love I’ve learned about humanity. and now I hate the world for its lack of love and compassion, and the world hates me back for not conforming to its cold conflictual paranoia.

I am learning to be sincere and honest in society and with others it is not easy because society is not a good safe place to be honest, to be open and soulful. it’s difficult to be honest in a sea of fighting soldiers nobody is themselves in public can people be vulnerable together in a group?

That is why it was necessary to invent an invisible unreachable god.

An introverted god

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there is always conflict between people it’s natural as air but somehow people succeeded to go beyond that creating a fake social persona dedicated for social life and with time the social persona became what people think they wholly are. that’s their whole truth. that’s their whole mission of life. if you label people by their sexual preferences, color, race, class, if you judge them by these if you belive in them if you react organically to them you are completely fake, slave thinking and feeling and being just a cog of the system the only thing that’s yours is the style you do things and the unique series of events your life accumulates but you are just an automaton forever dormant inside yourself forever just obeying rules and laws your owners put in place for you forever empty and trapped in a foreign world artists are creeps and is naturally that people are avoiding them we all would artists prefer their paint crayons tools substances and techniques to create an imaginary world they prefer objects, they love objects more than people, even against the people, against human life. choosing to make art is a clear sign of a damaged psyche and life artists are all a special kind of handicapped people that’s why artists should be helped by the state to survive they are incapable of a normal social life that’s why they always find deviant ways of living. art is revelation artists are sick

244 I WAS WRONG

I can accept people afraid of doing things but not those that cannot even say them. they are still too closed still to enforced by ignorance. break free speak assert affirm and then little by little do incorporate become be and then relate to others, embrace others, multiply, reverberate, let others in, let love embrace people usually build trust in others few build distrust people usually fall in love with others few fall out of love for the dark person goodness is punk and terror conformity people killed Christ there is no overwhelming revelation and power of any good qualities in a person others will surely not understand andnnit agree with them there is no absolut overwhelming good at what age did you lost your soul all our desires are just desires if looping back into an idilic lost world reality is what it is or what you perceive or what you know or what you believe CIRCLE IV

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people like psychics fortune tellers miracle workers saints spiritualists because they need to be seen seen in their deepest true nature that has no space and time nature that is present felt but hidden from knowing some people fight with violence some people fight with compassion some fight to save lost souls some fight against lost souls people built their lives as institutions now we build more towards personal and emotional people refuge their soul inside their minds, deepest it can be heavily fortified against the outside world in a dark and cold cellar protection that is toxic for the soul itself.

I choose to create an outside world that protects my soul from the real world that allows my soul into the open initialize religion has proved that the art and the poetic being is the path towards spirituality itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not saying sexuality through different things is saying things through different sexuality the best trick in the world was to make people value becoming objective institution-like beings not human at all professionals. thus people sell their souls in droves as a malignant cumbersome thing toxic for eliberation.

246 I WAS WRONG

never choose the best never seek the best fitted for your desires and goals. choose the living choose the challenging choose the organic the world is so much more beautiful when another believes in it and likes it too I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to be good at anything itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a trap my art is about filth and god, about the cheep way to happiness love is said to fuck up all our reason and blind us to reality but it actually frees us up from the fake system of perception embedded in us by our native society is normal that the society to feel threatened by love is normal that society to fight back amd make love as this werid insurgent thing normal to coerce it and put rules and regulations upon it until the rules are so thick on it that people confuse the rules with the truth and so love is annihilated true wild natural love and replaced with fake love docile synthetic instrumental true communism is commercialism where divinity is the system itself where people are all equal equally trapped in the system a system based on the most base desires an universal economical system without identity of their subjects but only with their functions and professions true communism

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we live in a world that burns its own angels its own formidable most talented burned through riches power pride abuse of pleasure we live in such dreary times true communism only the technical formidables are allowed today just as in communism we only want to know what other people know new information has no value as long as itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not yet in the system the problem with artists is that all of them want to become royalty thus only helping a toxic system to thrive helping keeping people trapped in while thinking they are getting out let perverts rule this world I wonder how would this world look ruled by perverts of freedom and humanity I have never betrayed my unconscious our jealous revengeful unconscious there are only lies out there out of them we construct our own truth I am that kind of parent that wants his children to have a great full sexual life. I want my kids to tell me: dad, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m going for a fuck. go baby, have fun, have great orgasms I want my kids to tell me dad, I had a great night last night, I fucked a stranger in the toilet just as I went in the club, it was such a great raw passionate energy, and then later I did another one at his amazing big empty house near that church in the old town. It was waaaaa such such a magical night. And a full moon. and I want to hug my kids and praise them for their beautiful use of life and magic in their souls.

248 I WAS WRONG

people fought to understand and use love in society but failed, it was too much of a lie - the promise of blissful happiness and godly meaning, the reality of ongoing pain and suffering and then with the advent of modernism the highest elite figure it out that they can begin experimenting with solitude. that’s why they begun financing individualism in arts and culture. that’s why arts and culture are a little bit off from general population still a foreign language still promoting alien values but as we can see, the elites are still fully found and support this philosophy.

I guess it started in the 1877s revolts against royalty and fully grew in the end in of the early 1960s the rule of the 3 generational transformation. it’s also very very interesting that the elites are thinking in very transgenerational long term timelines although they themselves are changing with generations they have faith in their continuation. it is very very interesting how they achieve that because in a world so quickly changing only the church and state had the power to maintain legacy, but as transpersonal institutions, I wonder how this works inside big elite worldwide families and influence groups. what core values, what core education, what core mind patterns and instincts are bread inside their groups. how they keep the idolized entity in continuity. how they identify with it. or is only the natural genetic subconscious drives in its full on intelligence, purpose and design - the so called divinity. to change the world you need to change the rituals all of them personal and social dates, meet ups, relationships, leisure, work, fights, faiths, convictions, values, goals, dreams, desires be wild, do whatever creepy thing you want but just don’t touch the status quo for we will break your hand off I don’t reveal soul in others I create soul in them and then I lie to them that they had it all along that all of us have hidden souls that all is love, that all is light and ecstatic meaning. that’s my passion in life that’s my mission let’s not forget we were brought up by machines

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never forget that logic is based on a mechanical view of the world same as mathematics information is shared only when the owners of it are in crisis and need new adepts information is shared only when is already worthless there is no desire for emancipation of the masses and it will never be information is a tool for control and coercion of action and of desire and drive we always found necessary to transpose fantasy into an existing system reality, social, nature, science but fantasy is so much more than that itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pure men so seldom take experience onto themselves they always attribute it to something different from themselves women always take experience onto themselves oftentimes fighting not to anymore. the key of success in this social systems is to actively despise those lower than you those poorer, those less educated, those less inteligent, those less able than you, those less gifted than you despise them and you will be loved by many this is my way of fighting this war cracking through their armours and letting out the soul corrode down their weapons there are two ways you either fight to get in and be accepted into a system or you create your own little world little collective with its own rules and patterns

250 I WAS WRONG

art events exist so that people may get together and form groups groups that will make art together so they create art events to make people get together. the physical connection between people is still the most important and base the one that communicates the most the one that reads the most we are still beings ruled by subconscious drives and urges few are crazy enough to work against that to understand artporn you need to know art first not porn artporn exists to create new archetypes new ways of relationships new models of being from the root experiential, embodied, alive a natural next step to the abstract philosophical knowledge of the world application of ideals. artporn is not a social based art is not conducting to a better understanding of society and self. it parts from that creating a new world and new people those that find artporn and fell in love with it and get involve in it are an amazing breed of people magic people new people enlightened people fresh truthful people it will be ruined soon by the crippling ways of the world so check it out soon for its amazing freedom and soul will die soon. artporn is a branch of performance art still pure still imature still magic who among you doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t desire to be accepted by society respected and praised who among you doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to represent society and rule over others be loved by people and be needed by them. those that donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t are free those that do are still trapped in the paranoia those that fight against it are the true warriors of truth CIRCLE IV

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don’t be fulled society is just a multilayered multidimensional tribal in tribal and across, agglomeration people stopped paying for information and also media but they still do for experiences and belonging that’s how important is the need for togetherness it challenges the survival drive feels like death without it. media emphases individuality, identity through self but that’s not enough and that is actually usless for many media now is used also mainly as social replacement all changes in human core are based first on sexual identity change on sexual relationships change in sexual meaning amd myth that’s why artporn is so very very important for human innovators artporn is a necessary combination between knowledge action being and translation in form - it is a cycle of emancipation of discovery of renewal at a core. why it is important to make art out of it? because without documentation and synthesis experience is lost and broken from the communion seeked by humans throughout times cosmogony is always sexual becoming is a continuous cosmogony most people are not interested at all in salvation they don’t even have any idea what that is learning to articulate love energy the god gene inside all of us I was wrong i though presenting people truth they will instinctively feel it i thought there was a simple problem of lack of exposure to truth unfortunately I was wrong

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looking for the good in people is the same with making sense of chaos it is the same with finding patterns in randomness it is freedom. it is continuous becoming. it is poetry. looking for expectations in people looking for recognised systems and behavior looking for the words we have in common and understand binds us to a limited and shirking way of looking at the world faith is dead, we need to find a faith why does it bother us so much when our identifications are challenged betrayed (redefined) stolen. are you aware with what and with whom do your persona identifies right thus moment? are you possessive about them? why? where does your freedom stops? it’s weird because the world is fundamentally divine and fundamentally absurd people mostly don’t know what they know thus they are what they don’t know they are there is the pro there is the anti there is the paradox there is the absurd each one a dimension of reality each one inside the other each one part of a greater polarised etre I recognise more and more christianity in my speech although, I ran away from its structure all my life but I discover it in chaos and inner truth all the time. they are truly an amazing cultural corporation, unfortunately politicised, but the only one that once had pure roots and it’s always a great mirror and a great measuring tool and a great instrument to find the path again - the Tao CIRCLE IV

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don’t hide there are so many hidden things even in the clearest of waters God and Machiavelli said the same thing and all politics and social dynamics and philosophy. having an idilic purpose makes existence in shit worthy. it’s actually a biological trick but I didn’t yet found how it got developed. it also explains our need for leadership, authority, dictatorship. but why it is a divine thing, I don’t yet understand. where organics gentical and divine cross paths. why does empathy makes more sense to me than combat skills? as the key to survival and being. it’s sad to see people advertising their own found solutions to dumb comfort and success as ideals of living, as ideals if being it’s sad to see people having faith solely in their inside minds and feelings when they don’t even know who or what they are being proud and happy of their mysterious luck in the elements and people I hate reading I hate making sense out of words I hate reconstructing worlds out of words worlds are right out there everywhere no need for all this blabbering it’s all in the subconscious anyway it’s all without any control anyway just live just enjoy what comes at you stop words it’s so sad when the few amazing people that understand and would be able to help you are 1000$ away for me the best purpose in life is to create a world, worlds thus finding more and more about life

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it’s so easy to manipulate people so easy to trick them (especially when face to face) and so so difficult not to so so so difficult to be honest and respectful to their own life experience christianity made one single deep error they artificially made woman an inferior creation and yet her portrayal since Eve was of a restless deeply independent creature that would sacrifice anything for freedom anything that gets popular is based in some sort of fallacy bias, ignorance or faulty drive based on addiction to pleasure and servitude to norms and common values and that doesn’t help any cause of truth at all and it’s actually very very toxic. what I found out about people is that they hate truth and any path towards it so it will always be an unpopular thing and I am so glad about it. so glad that truth remains a bitter and an initiation based thing. the best thing in life is not to find what you are looking for. is to forever search for it and turn everything upside down in its pursuit thus finding 1000 times more things than the one you’re looking for. the one that will kill you as soon as you’ve found it. the failure keeps one vivid and in life. achievement kills through stagnancy seeing the other’s soul should be thought in school looking at other’s soul beneath all layers should be an automaton not defence martial arts what we need is new language what I do is new language.

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we kill others to keep our identity from changing that’s how difficult we accept change that’s how much we do to reinforce it. we change only when our selves is already ruined and dead. otherwise we only enforce what we are, no matter how toxic it is. survival of self not survival of body. that’s why change is not a path towards the good but reframing it using the bad to do good using the faulty to do good using the misuse to do good how often do you meet new people for spiritual purposes? how often do you meet new people for sex? there is always only pride anything else is trash disgusting not good you can find love only by destroying all that is fake you find fake only by destroying all and see what remains I hate myself and I hate you all for making me hate myself I hate you because I loved all once and you made me forget that and you made me live believe only in hate there is a big big contest out there titled “Who hides it better” in your mind find and repeat the things you love not the things you hate I am not interested in the beauty of hate I am not interested in the ecstasy of hate I am not interested in the power of hate in nothing build on hate not even justice build on hate

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why there is no myth about demons working for God why there are no demons that cannot change but know that the way they are is not good and put their wrong ways to do good. in what culture and mythology does that exists. people want to be sincere and open but they’ve not found the right scene for them there are only demons out there and I try to make them act as angels in my poetic films as something they don’t even believe to exist people are not deamons but they act like them because is safer and more powerful. and with time they forget they were people. exploring truth, playing with it makes easier for us to understand the lieing wisdom begins when we begin to detach from identifying with our own life wisdom is but simple perspective broken off from our normal tunnel vision art is my most spiritual way to express my love towards the hope and truth of a magical world even if you failed all your life you can still call yourself an artist even if you didn’t do anything you can still call yourself an artist that’s what I love about art people find it very very hard to open their hearts I find it difficult to close it what a wonderful world would be if they would let us free to dream

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I fight the world every day I distance from it more and more every day for each time the world only shows me new ways to hate itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s path, to hate itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s way. and all I wanted from it was love. and is painful. itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so sad that people cannot relate to other people as humans so sad that people cannot relate to themselves as humans I hate loving people art was a reminder of god an exercise of god. now, art reminds me only of failure and regret art is not about love for me anymore unfortunately. thus I cannot do it anymore. instead of helping my faith in the purity of the world, in the power of love art only thought me about tricks and dirty games of small people. thus I cannot do it anymore.

I need love, I need purity, I need god and exercises to keep them alive. if not in the world at least let them live in me.

I tried to make the world a better place I failed we are but the zombies of our ancestors a small vicious infected minority that infected and killed all others? going public is eliberating is truth is love is spiritual is important is art people see truth as a sort of goal, an end of things, a goal in itself bur truth is only a beginning

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object then robot and only after that being and maybe then human. fight for love not for force it will trap you forever in mechanics people are mostly incomplete we do not all have all the layers inside mostly we are only pieces of the whole maybe thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why we are not looking for the whole at all my deepest theme is freedom to the madness we have inside for there is something magical in it something divine or very very close to it. all true madness is beautiful. everything else is just a path towards it. just eliberation for it.

I am beginning to lose faith in real people.

As all others like me, I will begin believing more in my characters. I will continue my faith in fiction. At least there people are free open and full of love and truth. At least in fiction they believe in God and that amazing nature of life. At least in fiction people love people.

People are all angels.

At least in fiction we can make it. At least in fiction we are what we truly are.

Real people unfortunately are too trapped in shit. So trapped in their selfish paranoia that everything inside and outside is dead.

Thank god for the solution of writing and story and invention of new worlds through writing. For real people are doomed. Love is alive only in fiction. love is dead for real people weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve all had a long term relationship at one time that failed that changed our whole world view and made us outcasts and nonbelievers. very very few of us kept our faith in love but love became such a werid completely different thing CIRCLE IV

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what is your ideal world? (right now) reality doesn’t exist there is only pain and the resolve of pain that’s where reality is dukkha what motivates you in life? what motivates you today? what motivates you now? (the achievement if owns idilic life) creating people’s idilic life saving people from toxic idilic life helping people open up towards their own idilic lives relaxing people facing their own idilic lives convincing people to fulfil their own idilic lives I was so so wrong about people I really thought in my naivety that they are all angels ready to spread their wings beautiful hearts filled with love if people are not love I don’t think I can face up the world I don’t think I can find reason for life. if people are not love what is this world we inhabit why did we received cognition people fled the villages to be anonymous in the cities to escape the hainous drag and pressure of being known for everything you are amd were, for not being able to be anew to keep on the feedback loop of your mistakes regrets and guilt we all are looking for periodic anonimity

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I am not upset or angry with the people I am just disappointed a disappointment that brings me a lot of nostalgia and romantic feelings about the loss of something beautiful and pure.

I am in a continuous state of mourning a beautiful place of looking at martyrs. for that is what lost souls are living martyrs of love and purity. for they all faught for love but failed. controlled suicide way as life path (buddhistic based cosmogony) I love the people that have an irresistible compulsion to express their love their love for everything and everyone around known and unknown present and future and past real or conceptual good or bad I prefer to work with hopeless demons than with hopeless angels through art some people use it to become better at lieing and some to tell the truth how do you tell the truth? it is so complicated if challenging oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s faith would be an important part of all religions and all no religions weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been so much more emancipated unfortunately challenging faith is a great taboo few try to change the world most only fight to change the laws and rules Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always preferred to fail than to regret doing it wrong. it pains me too much to be disappointed it is an emotion that I avoid

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it’s so sad when I find people that dislike love and kindness, that are deeply against them. so sad they are so so many of them everywhere. so sad people don’t live for spirituality so sad people live only for possession and revenge so sad they’ve built all this world so sad they’ve put paranoia and psychopathy and force as fundamental values of their society so sad even people with god in their eyes mostly abandon it and lose faith in it adopting the values of the world around them so sad people use love and beauty only for revenge so sad to always find soul deeply hidden and abused in dark corners of the psyche even in the most anti soul nonbelievers angry robotic successful people out there when you lose faith in the world you take refuge in beauty when you lose faith in beauty you take refuge in erotic when you lose faith in the erotic you take refuge in a new world day by day people transform into aliens and I love it so much for I believe we are truly aliens disguised in people brainwashed in people to make us docile and workable to understand the lies just follow the freedoms we fight for, the freedoms that won throughout time political freedom, social freedom, individual freedom, sexual freedom, speech freedom, and many more to come

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when you meet a person at what part of him/her do you instinctively hook on to perceive and generalise? what do you look for inside him/her? what do you remember about him/her after you leave?

I tend to search for their divine spark and even push them towards it and always empathise with that spark no matter what they are or what they do beside that no matter how superficial, stupid, evil, misguided they are I hate interconnectivity there is no silence between parts anymore natural silence not self imposed silence beauty is not actually beauty is just another sexiat bias beauty is actually youth the youth component in someoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s face the youth component of someoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s art gold, excuisite, appealing, relaxed, ecstatic all marks of beauty are also marks if youth. people actually extremely value youth and not beauty. even god and goodness is about youth and not beauty and elegance and equilibrium the taboo of transgressing social class so absurd so powerful the world changes the people remain the same when you practice deep truth long enough it reaches a point when all you do known or unknown is all revelation of truth people believe that pleasure is a lucky thing to stumble upon but actually is based on education and you even can self learn to like something even everything CIRCLE IV

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it’s so so sad that we forget that so many people are working hard for our comfort. so sad we belive all our things come from nothing. so sad the ones working for us are deemed subhuman. worthless animals. people don’t believe the truth people don’t want the truth people run away from truth people fight the truth the easiest way to kill angels is to expose them to the natural world of interactive people. unfortunately I am looking for ways to reach truth not ways to fool and hide from it or ways to seem truthful while I am totally fake there is a great value and appreciation for those that can make fakeness be seen as truth. the made up as natural. the quick as the thorough. it’s always so werid and dangerous when someone else knows more about you than you know yourself. and yet they can help us and yet we kill them all. those that hate themselves hate god beware everything you do in life is an exercise into a direction beware everything is adding towards something there are no paranthesis in life everything is recording inside

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so sad people don’t know what to do with love they just want to have it as any other drug as any other endorphin releasing experienceas any other kind of salvation. so sad people don’t know anything about love. there are so many people possessed out there by so many kinds of demons and they don’t even know it they identity themselves wholly with the demon inside. demons too have modern instruments. it’s sad to see that artists are perpetuating old biases old ways old archetypes old conflicts old lies without them even knowing unfortunately even artists serve the owners. fighting against old ways only keeps them alive. you’re sexy only when you are poetic only when there’s truth in your eyes only when there’s god present in your heart unfortunately I don’t deal at all in hate I know is exhilarating I know it gives people alot of easy sense of freedom I know is popular and fancy and fun but is so damaging for the soul so corrosive for our life sense so sad that all revolutions start in hate and violence so sad that all new things are born in fire of the old against the old as abandoned children of the old. no love in sight no hope for love I thought people will catch up with me and they will finally understand and we will all dance a joyous dance of freedom and they were so ff close but unfortunately suddenly they got detoured on a side road, a grand tour backwords into ignorance. and now I stand alone again looking at the people fading away in the mist of fakeness and paranoia

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all hate starts with self hate all love starts with all love people keep asking me “how can a cock be something poetic, it is impossible, it is the most disgusting and abusive thing out there” this questions speak volumes about the social sexist education of people based on anacronic beliefs ways of life and social archetypes mostly rural and small community ones we need hard core poetry because people have a tendency to hide inside their minds between beautiful safe concepts and their sweet inferred emotions also because people have a tendency to hide in their raw idiotic bodily pleasures and consumption of them we need hardcore poetry because we need to connect body and mind towards understanding love haters are always the coolest those that love are lame consciousness – language - awareness such a complex triad religion is an important milestone to rebel against a great step towards emancipation unfortunately people prefer bad company than no company at all performance art comes from painting as post-human comes from normality life asserting itself out of coercion of dogma for nobody wanted to paint they wanted to be but because they couldn’t they’ve hidden under the paint looking to find freedom in arranging matter searching for god in connecting objects and forms mirroring vivid emotions into pale art

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how can we accept a world that has intelligence services that pay to find secret information. it’s absurd it’s toxic philosophy of life “always push a little bit more” relationships and work these are the top most popular things in the world that fuck up people that traumatise and trapp and torture people’s lives and they know it, our owners is god more important than people are people more important than god? it’s werid people don’t make the difference between what they want to do between their desires and the actual doing of things. is like if you want it you already did it. desire is not reality and yet we act as it is. weird I feel trapped between haters haters of the left path and haters of the right path.

I hate that is only hate and fear in this world. is like everything is made up only out of fear and hate. finally there’s a word for me too I am an empath I wonder besides love what is it out there that makes us continue? that makes us endure day by day for so long our painful decomposition into death it’s soo painful to see people ready to do hate work but scared out of their minds to do love work CIRCLE IV

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unfortunately I am here to take people out of hate not to feed it in them nobody is strong enough to believe in love to believe in god to have faith in freedom. it’s easier to hate makes more sense to hate is more satisfying to hate. man has invented something stronger than god over and over again I get this message “I am in a relationship now and I cannot think about these things. I need to take care of my relationship” so freedom is only for losers and people that cannot find a spouse ce pacat ca nu poți face parte din lumea mea ce pacat ca a trebuit sa iti dedici viata urii ce pacat ca a trebuit sa iti dedici viata minciunii if you ever feel that this world is fucked up and always was like that remember that this world invented words invented all this wonderful and idyllic words one by one generation by generation the fucked up people have kept at inventing words inventing ideas inventing dreams aiming for perfection. and that is why words are so very very important without them with poverty of them we revert to our worst. put words in what you do. transform in words all that you do. for words are god.

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when I was growing up 20 years ago I was in love with Alan Watts I wonder what do young people listen today who are the saints of today? we’ve invented cities to escape community to become anonymous that is the path we’ve chosen. to run away from togetherness to run away from love. the estrangement syndrome when you hide away from the artistic you hide away from me let’s experience pain in a different way let’s do something sacred out of it let’s embrace it let’s open our hearts to it let’s stop fighting this absurd war against it. let’s not forget that creating has come after the word creativity is a constant search of the word for its own purification returning to its primal purity so sad that love is so connected with sex that’s why when I say to someone I love them it also means I would fuck with them with great pleasure word and image are ideal reality and performance are embodiment each one too much the balance between them is film

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people have created layers over layers over layers (fences, moats) layers to love and show their inner beauty hiding behind them all the filth and natural impulses untrue layers that got dirty layers that now got toxic and we are at the moment where we need to face our own layers that kill us that doesn’t let us anymore to show our true beautiful nature inside have you become afraid of pleasure? pleasure is openness pleasure is faith pleasure is love how many naked friends do you have? the only solution for evilness and bad and wrong and faulty is to use it to do good beauty is such a pervertion only utility truly exists I like playing with things with life with death with god with love I would never buy art buying art is wrong I treated you as an angel and it didn’t work I treat you as a demon now still sacred still filled with faith and love beauty is not about grace beauty is about truth truth brings grace what would you think about a person saying “I would better cut off my hand than be nice, warm, loving to another human being”

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nobody likes art art is for the weirdos and stupid and sick art is for those that cannot be normal and courageous and responsible as everyone else oare ne vom intilni vreodată in adevar in iubire pura măcar odată art is not art art is fashion art is entertainment art is urbanism art is ornament art is boudoir art is leasure art is not art to whom or to what do you dedicate each movement of your thought each reaction of your body each breath of your soul? my problems are better than yours mine help me what about yours waiting and its more sofisticated cousin meditation is a great great great liberation instrument truth is beyond hatred because truth is beyond desire I look only at the sacred in you I show only the sacred in me some people by their own accord choose to stay away from god why?

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some people have never found the pleasure of metaphysical thinking are you more the animal or the ideal?

I thought we constructed the society out of fear from truth but actually we constructed society out of fear of forgetting the discoveries of god the forgetting of purity looking for an angel looking for a soul looking for meta my hope is so low these days my faith is so weak. the world is so painful without love.

I will pray I will cry I will atone I need to feel love in my heart again.

I am weak, I cannot live without permeating love throughout everything inside and outside I tried, but I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s too painful I prefer to die than live without love. disgusting ugliness is a part of truth or... everything is beautiful if sincere and pure I often meet two kinds of people those that think I am too into God and hide away from me because they hate salvation and those that I am too into Evil and hide away from me because they hate salvation before communism do not forget there was colonialism

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making art makes people to have less time for meaningless trivialities and useless hustle for emotional approval and satisfaction making art makes people better social individuals. but there is a problem we still donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t care about and we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know how to use art. we were successful in making it part of religion but now there is no religion left to shield the meaning of art. and commercialism is not meta enough to include art in its system, for art is that instrument that searches in the deepest recesses of our minds and existence and beyond it. why only white people are individualists?

I try to stay away from hate as much as possible unfortunately people are almost all infected with it so I try to minimise contact with it thus with all people unfortunately I am beginning to lose my ability to accept and digest contact with non-belivers with lost faithless people I guess is their age the older they get the lesser faith they have the greater paranoia and certitude of self if you have interesting desires if you have interesting compelling needs especially impossible ones make art out of them if you cannot convince people to make their own decision and eliberation put words in their mouths make them act as free people and they will change and they will understand (prayer is a great invention)

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one’s value is in the kind of people that actively helps him survive.

I longed for angels I got only disgusting abusive gay perverts there is a world that nobody is aware of its existence that nobody is aware we are in it and that is so immensely pervasive and rules most of our perception of reality. is the fictitious world of unsatisfied desires. our demons and hatred is there our pain and trauma is there our solutions to everything are there our perfect self is there our perfect life is there and we take them all as real and act upon them as real I wanted my art to be a window into a special world unfortunately it’s only a window into one particular man the world of action is governed by hate get into it and you’ll prevail stay away from it and you’ll forever be an outsider loser among all the other frighten sissies among all the other liars and talkers among all the other monitor addicted zombies among all the others that want to but don’t do nothing, never no matter what I write you will read it wrong. because all the meaning of my words is trapped inside your small selfish hateful world. words are not objects, are not gifts, are not light are only symbols of an already acquired understanding. if you’ve always been a self-destructive addictive abusive person addict yourself with divinity get high with mystic union with god go in ecstatic tripping into sacred worlds turn on faith turn off hatred (non-Christian)

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the secret of god is intimacy people are so trapped in social issues blinded for anything greater than that. is sad god is not the social world stop blaming everyone and everything stop judging and correcting everything stop your revenge on everything as long as you don’t believe in love as long as you don’t have faith in love as long as you haven’t yet embodied love love lives beyond the gates of the absurdum when you help people in pain and ill don’t boost about your health and joy show your scars, show your closest thing to them show them you’ve been there, you are there that you are one of them. show them we all go through the process show them love artha is a part of moksha the way you deeply feel about sex tells what kind of animal you are what kind of karmic cycle you are part of what is your true self and how to use it towards enlightenment I am soo grateful for my life so grateful that through millions and millions of unexpected coincidences and luck I have found so many inner things so many weird beliefs and faith. and now it makes me so incredibly happy that reading religion I find my discoveries there, in the wisdom of things is like me just writing down my own ideas and experiences and findings

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I cannot change that I am a man and that I am inherently scary or that I am middle aged or white or Christian raised or romanian educated that I have cumulated events or nonevents we all think we are zero that we are pure ageless sexless always new that we are everything inside and that is not so a fallacy of consciousness a gift of consciousness do not generalise the world with the way you feel and think about your parents not love not hate as all people do would you sacrifice your life to save human kind? itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s embedded in us to be disgusted by people that ask for help to be seduced by shinny sweet sexy fake things consciousness and love have no gender no age no race no country no class no time no space no mass if you feel the need to punish yourself donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t just randomly harm yourself, punish yourself through repentance. thus you die to become alive there is a bigger picture over the biggest picture

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if you lived in hate all you’re life if you can’t belive in love and compassion if you cannot be nice to anyone and choose to be only with other hateful people that hate themselves and hate you too but you suffer and want to change your miserable faith repent repent repent at each and every gesture and thought and reaction that you have with everyone and with everything repentance will break piece by piece will replace your hideous armour will set you free repent stop hating make cracks for light I always find it amusing that people cannot understand why I don’t do deals with the devil “but everyone does it” “you will never succeed at anything refusing it all” “who the fuck doesn’t do it” I always find it amusing when I see people trapped in the social world without knowing that is not the only world possible and of value and of achievement I always find it amusing when I see people completely lost between the characters of their own personality not knowing who they are, and who they should be in what moment I find it amusing that there is no direct education about it not even knowing about it in the realm of psychology.

I always find it amusing how little we know and yet we act like kings of the world.

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I find it amusing I am preaching for 20 years now that the world is not made of people and so few are courageous enough to understand. and so many, lost in the social world, cannot see anything past it. it is amusing how they fight all their lives for so little how they become demons fighting to achieve status and respect based on hate and selfish game theory. its amusing how they squirm inside a lesser dimensional world. being trapped in the social world it is called slavery. that’s why they killed God that’s why they’ve made God a corporation.

I am happy that all this slavery techniques are still new and we are accepted on the outskirts not yet too coerced out of the technological world. thank god for the - freedom of speech law would you sell your body for your art?

I still cannot understand how and why people choose to belive in man and not in God when God includes man the good kind of man the eliberated man. why should you choose the faulty the hopeless the meaningless the betrayal to truth I still cannot understand I am like a worm coming out of the woodwork enlightenment is the simple ability of experiencing life unfortunately a very difficult thing to achieve or be thought to or been showed the way because is outside linguistics that’s why Buddhists preferred to show what is not enlightenment

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itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s interesting only your enemies are ready to do something for you eagerly, with great passion, without pay, things that they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t normally do, things that give them great pleasure and that change who they are itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s weird that nobody does that to help but only to destroy why are we constructed this way? and because this is so, our constructed need for God is even greater to work at it so we can balance out all these passionate destructive biases we first find our most ecstatic experiences most ecstatic mystical objects in yourself most ecstatic expressions and thoughts most ecstatic reactions and dreams and with those you begin little by little to construct your own flying machine towards God american movies are the most honest ones they are the only ones that keep on telling us the truth the truth that in each moment there are 1000x ways 1000x things that can fail on us and that can send our lives in chaos. they are the only movies that keep on teaching us to always be ready to always fight to bring back the frail balance of things the only ones made to teach survival the only ones reminding us life is a continuous war what is more important living shitty life or watching shitty movies? is B, always people believe me only when I say little silly things

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people to people will never be able to understand every little motivation and stratum of motivations behind all the actions and words and combinations of them we try to, but we achieve so little magic is based on the same thing art too deception too truth too that’s why truth is so complicated so difficult to find or achieve that’s why they say it’s impossible why old people find new things bad for the world why young people find them so good that when they will grow old they will find them better than the newer things all I want in life is to love people and be loved back to be deeply connected like that to be one body one soul with myriad minds like ripples of a metaphor into reverberating into history I am interested only in the very cheep and free things of this world everything else I don’t care about I stay away from train myself not even to see them it’s weird not being understood by my fellow romanians can make one think he is totally insane but then alot of usa, south american and european folk understand me so easily and completely make me feel soo just and realistic I guess truth is somewhere in the middle I’ve tried so many times to save their souls but they always sold it to survive in complete pain

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unfortunately I have no money I have nothing from the money world no power no prestige no fellowship no way to help you succeed no power to bring you closer to aristocracy if you survive it you change how long will it take for me to understand accept and value normal life I never could I always tried to understand the limits of people is enough to see how they cannot grasp the nature of god always lowering it to some person with superpowers so much so that not even Kings couldn’t do anything about it they in turn changed religion and nature of god only to accommodate to the belious inability of people now I realise that I never had a relationship that was not based also on an art partnership now I realised that I don’t know how to have a relationship without art. that I can’t have a relationship without art. and the werid thing is, that artists can have relationships without art and even find my ways weird and few can understand. but for me the fusion between art and relationships was always a normality was always the only one truthful and sacred I am trying to make you me thus creating absolute solitude absolute peace. for alone is stupid and with others is stupid. and then me becoming you.

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when a person doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like to wash he will find a world where water is scares where washing is too luxurious where the unwasing is appreciated he will never search to change he will never search for his own way of washing.

I found a tag on instagram beyou beyourself beauthentic millions and millions of fake people being proud of their sincerity and honesty fighting for what they truly are and yet all. those values show how fake they all are how they all are the same and is so sad they are blind to it so sad. this is how truth is stolen from us all. check the tags is bewildering. nobody knows who they are nobody cares who they are. they all chase to become what they desire. desires created by our owners. a scared state is a violent state people say the truth to each other only in movies because actors lie - itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not their own truth when people ask me to explain my art their simple utterance of that question shows that the person doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really have the organ with which to understand. there is in society this belief that rational logic epistemological explanation helps understanding of art. it is immersion it is compassion it is embodiment. not distant probing with the mind. every day I cheat off life makes me soo joyous.

I love to steal from life

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many don’t understand the deep roots of sexism I understood it myself only when having sex with women but not cumming yet enjoying it very very very much. the girls were very confused the girls were very distrustful why? don’t you like me? is everything ok? there is something wrong with her? women although they have sex mostly without orgasm cannot understand a man that enjoys sex without orgasm. that’s how far and rooted sexism is. why there are so many life threatening diseases based on sexuality? information has always disappointed me love and experience has always filled me with faith in the magic of life and world I am truly happy I am not a leader or any kind of karismatic person. thus I can help people to change by themselves without just making it for me, out of genetic loving blindness for me as so many do as so many are fooled I am just a poor monk.

I only like those that live in poetry should all art be monumental? why? what is this obsession about monumentalism? what does is mean? if we know that we can’t touch anything why do we keep on fighting for it why do we keep hoping that somehow we will find a way to connect with the world around us? we’ve forgot to live among humans

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I hate society because in its wisdom has left me outside it I hate social people because in their art of living theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve left me outside it I will not revenge I will thank them because I can now build my own society apart from them itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s easier to build a civilization than to emancipate man I apologize I do not understand this world Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all absurd for me are you aware of the world you are in? have you decide wholly for the world you are in? emancipation is optional people think Jesus is a cleaning lady sexuality is like god it is always present it is immanent if sexuality is not God all this world and life is filth and I can only hate it and be disgusted by it and I can only stay outside of it in my own delusional bliss I want to marry all the people in the world how do you counteract the continuous waves of guilt that comes with the guilt of so many many things not done with so many people hurt and not helped

284 I WAS WRONG

I thought since little that sexuality is a direct connection with God and all I read about mysticism enforced my belief in this direct access to God and I thought this is the same for everyone and that all the people connect with God connect with the whole world in purity that in sexuality we are all extremely sincere.

And I tried it with others, but I found out I was wrong sexual connection with God is not a natural thing that sexuality is rotten away as any other ways to connect with God I found out I was extremely lucky that in my sexuality that I could be sincere and direct and simple in my connection with God. And I now know that there is no natural way to God. I now know that all paths to God are difficult and painful and a struggle, that they are usually illogical and useless and always sacrificial and anti-survivalist that they are beyond all ego character and personality beyond all historical sides of our selves. very very close and at one with love. and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a pity that so few know it, so few understand it, so few have faith in it. the women that can have orgasms are soo magical women that are disgusted or hate sex should be tabooed out of society. unfortunately we did the other way around. we suffer of acute conservancy since 2 thousands years with tiny tiny amounts of indulgence for more creative way of life. slavery ctd the problems rise out peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s need for anonymity thus big cities thus big abuses thus many fallacies I like art made for the unconscious sperm is infinite belief is love

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sex is not a drug sex is not a style sex is not a commodity sex is sacred sex is belief sex is love it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t matter what they say as long as we teach them how to think about what they say - about freedom of speech â&#x20AC;&#x201C; about why rulers accept it anarchy is politics if you change gender roles you change why people have sex you change how people have sex can you starve someone out of beauty out of decency out of ideals?

I like the women that can see men only as women. people waste all their lives trying to solve superficial problems and issues too afraid to go deeper too afraid to really change anything (a perfect bias that enforces the millennial slavery system) art is a different thing for each working type class unfortunately culture is a fake substitute for reality and living to give us a sense of meaning to create a sense out of the absurdity and valueless of everything we sincerely know and suffer for. since consciousness we continuously fought, continuously failed, continuously confused to accept our bodies in it

286 I WAS WRONG

I don’t want to make art about and against the things I hate in the world I want only to share the things I love the things that are love in the world I have shown you myself all of my self without protection without censure in all my vulnerability and truth in all my delusion and belief and yet you never believed in me you never got close to me am I so scary so creepy so evil? am I so perverted so abusive so lacking any kind of faith please tell me I really believe I am nice and good an full of love maybe I am not maybe you are right and I am truly evil and destructive. we have never gather around in love and joy but only in pride, sorrow, protest, conflict even commerce is a sort of conflict we never knew how to be happy together how to share our happiness and love with others we never needed it in our evolution but it was necessary togetherness in conflict to survive biologically we are not fit to share love and happiness but only destruction I wanted to find other failures other unwanted people like me other boring lame outsiders, without any knowledge or instinct or talent or charisma about the way desirability works. others kicked out from society for not being cool and fashionable and integrated enough, and together with them to create a new free world of acceptance and love unfortunately I didn’t know that all failures and outsiders and misfits are obsessed about getting back in society and being liked by it the outsiders are against freedom even more than regular successful people CIRCLE IV

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biologically it’s all based on fear and we try through consciousness and culture to make it be all based on love pretty huuuge huuge task we even invented God for that and now we’ve invented virtuality because for love we need to disembodiment. we’ve never accepted our bodies we’ve never agreed with it’s evolutionary path and becoming since the awakening of self-awareness our path was to become pure consciousness thus culture, thus religion, thus technology. look around and see in people, their relation with their own bodies and you will understand how they see the world around them, how they relate to themselves, what they think they themselves are. many are just instinct and body, lost within the cultural common shared social consciousness. what can you do in a world of proud narcisists?

I hate it when people choose to kill other’s humanity only because it makes it simple for them not to be afraid to act in the world it’s horrible and sad and painful to witness it over and over and over again ecology is not about objects but about people. we tend to solve all issues in the same faulty way why is art so boring? with each day passing with each new person met I understand I have less and less in common with common people

288 I WAS WRONG

people have created a faulty creepy society and then they praised it as perfect and deemed to be worshiped as the highest of the highest purity perfection thus creating faulty creepy people that believe they are perfect and just. actually it’s only a continuous falling apart continously repaired until the initial form and purpose becomes an unrecognisable monstrous confusion. lucky us there is a hardcore genetic imprint in us all I belive in the machine stab me with your likes it’s so sad that sexism used beauty to hide it’s abusive intentions and thus perverted both beauty and woman, and man and because of the pervasive nature of sexism I chose to become gay it’s more honest and less based on gender frustration guilt and hatred I hate spectators you need lots and lots of rules and regulations to be able to continously brake some of them to keep feeling alive and anew. no rules = no freedom obeying rules you get certain success disobedience brings truth our connection has been lost it doesn’t matter that you’re a whore it matters what kind of whore for 300 years now we try to prove that life is not a war but just a struggle. that’s such a weird new thing to be doing collectively as human beings. and is all because of machines and their replacing of slavery. the bulk of human activity for 5000 years.

I am chasing freaks for 15 years now for they are our guiding angels

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people desire things I desire people good always follows the bad good without the experience of the bad is fake good. is like peace without war. is like pleasure without pain. is like God without evil. what humanistic theme are you celebrating now in your artwork? some people like death some like to cheat death a world that creates fake food for empty momentary pleasure to fool all the history of our evolution and it’s code of healthy pleasures. that world is wrong I am counting on your indifference, it allows me to exist outside karma our progress in the world is based on our necessity to transform nature and body into the consciousness we are transform the laws of matter according to the laws of consciousness it’s incredible how many people, that the majority of people don’t like sex cannot open to it find it difficult and cumbersome prefer to avoid it completely prefer to fight against it although the longing and desire for those sensations and being it’s immense and always present it’s incredible how faulty this thing has ended up to be and I guess this is the case for the 5000 years of education and failures that’s why they’ve invented marriage, close relationships a harsh ecology of it that’s why the gender roles that’s why the fake eroticism and also its dark side and abuse and so on and so on and so on

290 I WAS WRONG

language as well as art is the materialisation of our unfulfilled desires of the power of inner irealistic drives the sperm of consciousness punishment is our disguised action in order to bring the one punished into its more malleable open merciful nature punishment to brake through the harden armour that took over the soul. unfortunately punishment is a mechanic solution that doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t account for the lack of faith in the soul of the villain. what is interesting is that punishment is guided by anger. justice is fueled by anger. itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s interesting that anger has such a spiritual origins. love is not a sign we give love way too much value I use it as a very cheep commodity thus I can love stronger deeper and I can break it easier amd I can love more people than if love would be as hard to find and as precious as diamonds the world was in such a filth in such a despair of dieing that they invented God the unattainable unnatural nonkarmic pure being no matter how faulty and malformed and unworthy and evil and wrong and idiot and distructive there is love in you there is love for you love will always work through you and it will always help you forward towards a better karma. you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need to be good you just need to find love and embrace it. let love be your guiding light, no matter how monstrous you are.

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intellectualism, culture, emancipation are all western European notions foreign to any and all other people.

I see Africans trying, Indians, Brazilians, Russians, Chinese trying to achieve the status of a cultured man, the highest form of human. but actually is nothing but a form of human. and a human form based on an European infrastructure both historical, geographical and anthropological. is the same with trying to adapt desert religion to the temperate Europe. universalism is a con is imperialism on fascist principles the need to make people in cohesive masses we are not yet ready for cultural diversity we are not yet ready for rational togetherness my mouth smells like dead rat like infected mucus I am afraid I am not pure anymore that I lost my connection with God that I putrefy like all living things that I am not an angel that all divinity and goodness is fake like everything else that all my life is a lie my main luck and also my main fallacy is that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always seen people as pure angels and treated them as such. never ever could I seen them as godless loveless selfish lying evil soulless things as most people see each other and even themselves.

I have always believed in the buddha nature of all beings and things and I have always talked with them with this fundamental understanding of divinity and embedded sacred view of the world. now I begin to understand that people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have this understanding by default. that divinity is killed inside very early in life and fought against it (seen as weakness and stupidity) throughout their life. but I am lucky, because I suppose the divine nature in people, since childhood, too long of a time to change now. and even if itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s only a delusion is such a beautiful delusion, a delusion that comforts people around me all the time. and when I find a true angel around, it is such an overwhelming joy. and when I find someone that wants to become again an angel is such a beautiful gift for a delusion that is closer to the truth than any real way of things people create around them.

292 I WAS WRONG

what is art outside culture people prefer to inflict pain, maim and death to the soul to protect and thrive their fake projected self-esteem I prefer fake food and real life than fake life and real food I cannot fight with your instincts you need to renounce them by yourself you need to throw down your weapons by yourself I have always loved human beings no matter what kind of person they are. I love them all from the worst to the best. what is the alternative?

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always looked for the believers in the freedom of love unfortunately I found only 3 all my life I call them angels I write about them in my stories I make videos and films about them about their struggle to live and be in this filthy world faith in God is the simplest of them all I apologize for my faith talk unfortunately I am interested only in sacred things I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t despise you just your evil side. your soul is still pure no matter how denigrated. love is the fundamental brick for constructing a new world changing the old world you need to build a new world not destroy the old one amd force people to build anew. and the dialogue between the new and the old world changes both, together, in a healthy way. build new and let it change.

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each new world created their own new religion new worlds never ever belive in the old gods interesting isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t it? you can identity a new world, when a new religion appears people use love for so little and they would prefer not to use that either anyone that uses it for something other than getting a spouse or defending his children or serving a social/political cause will be deemed either evil or insane and immediately outcast love is a dangerous powerful mind-bending drug, heavily regulated revelations come form the multilayered multidimensional unconscious revelations are formations of the unformed like remeberance. this system is very interesting I wonder how and why is it like so. why the unconsciousness sends information in consciousness outsider art is my religion the problem with sexuality is that people treat themselves as objects when there is no coercion, no rules against it. the problem with sexuality is that people think sexuality is something underground and filthy and filled with guilt so there are no rules thus no humanity. the problem with sexuality is the problem with humanity. and humanity is love for people and their fundamental divine nature and love is too abstract for people to understand. we will never treat each other as humans not for another 300 years humanity will remain an ideal as all other religious summit unattainable useless ecstatic

294 I WAS WRONG

my life as an artist is over I have failed now I create only for myself as therapy only for myself only to stay in touch with the unformed world of ideas feeling and unborn formations the one that doesn’t accept vulnerability the one that doesn’t allow failure the one that doesn’t understand loss cannot know love I am not interested in life anymore just my drugs just my trips just my gods soul and love are in the same time individual and universal both conscious and unconscious and if they lack one of those characteristics both soul and love die away hybernating until better conditions arise if you don’t live and think and feel according to the rules and definitions and customs you are deemed sick in the head, diseased in the soul, rotten. can you grasp the enormity of such monstrous thinking? can you understand the evilness if the assumption of such path? absolute disgusting that’s why this society is losing its soul I am saving the world with each thought at a time I am saving your soul with each thought at a time I am holding on to my soul with each thought at a time

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although people are absolutely not interested at all in any kind of emancipation there are so many crazy people trying to emancipate others always without success always failing and filled with regret always emancipating no one but leaving tons and tons of waste material towards emancipation I am almost 40 years old I can see and feel the beginning of the decomposition of my body and mind the rotting away the loss of elan vital I will soon suicide somehow seek death go for a walk until the end of the world.

I am afraid of old age I cannot even think about it I am a man I cannot live an assisted life I prefer death thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why I have never created strong relationships with anyone thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why I always tried to weaken the strong ones I will die soon.

I have stopped seeking life for I have failed now I seek death and I will also fail thus I will neither live nor die thus I will both live and die I do not respect life I do not love life I do not sacrifice for life I respect love love love sacrifice for love no, you will not find a new soul I know you all are looking for it you hate love, you hate truth, you hate yourself and despise love. you are the new generation

296 I WAS WRONG

fucking as a proof of love fucking as formation of love in the world fucking as a way to open the soul into soul fucking as a psychedelic trip towards love fucking as transgression of all rules of all genders of all taboos of all traditions fucking as the ultimate activity of the body into the soul fucking as a mystic union with god within another fucking as a way to experience migration and malformation of ego fucking as a tool to break free from slavery of paranoia the ones that come to me are those that look for peace those that look of a place to rest and let go of all their fears all their running for all their battles all their lies all their painful choices if you would be trapped inside your mind would you be able to live? do we all use reality to run away from our inner worlds? are we all so sinful, so horrible, so murderers, so lacking all goodness? are we all so affected by the rules of the outer world? are we not all pure angels?

I am not what I think I am all art is just narcisism the world needs to change too much to also include me in it 20 years of barren enthusiasm creates deep suffering but it hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t yet deformed my faith in people and in love men like porn women like fashion men hide it in politics women hide it in gossip men correct themselves in work women in spousing

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they are at war for us to have peace the war needs to be continuous in order to be continuous peace all this world works out of the 2% 2% of good 2% of action 2% of love all the rest is destruction post-human is here ignore it as much as you want the angelic post-human is here to stay (it’s like the modernist revolution of culture) I love you not because you are special but because you are not I love you for something that is not you for something larger than ourselves that is still alive in you I am not gay but I always failed to get close with girls and sexist treditions my way of being/looking never attracted girls and sexist embedded traditions so I had to look for intimacy somewhere else in other gender roles those that I hang out with are all nonbinary some know it, some don’t but they all feel it and live and love by it I don’t like poor people and their cheap ideas -- a rich family artist if l like evil things it doesn’t mean I am evil for they are formal things. if I like evil things it doesn’t mean I am entitled to be evil for they are only formal things

298 I WAS WRONG

humans should alway have only impossible dreams for reaching ones dreams makes them addicted and fascist about it the most beautiful people are those of failed dreams for they are still open to their present experiences (the same with relationships and intimacy and love) I love people because they represent hope for me I love people as long as they represent hope for me have the courage to question yourself have the courage to destroy yourself how wonderful that romanians are beginning to rediscover the magic of the world after 2 generations of social realism but is still an underground thing to be adaptive means to continously change your way of perception of the world which means to continously change what you are which means there is no self which means we are all one which means love is all the animalic being an issue to be dealt with an issue that keeps us in a single way if perception guverned only by fear and hunger by ruthless survival consciousness is against all DNA rules and regulations rules that treat us like insects I love it when people change, when they become closer to themselves the higher you get in society, the more you talk, the less you do thank god love is not human but matter like air, like magnetism in all things alive or dead timeless and infinite without a beginning or an end thank god we humans are only witnesses to love within us and within others and other things

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working with children made me understand that compassion is not a natural trait but an educated one working with children showed me that selfishness and psychopathy is natural and that helping another and that taking care of another or of the well-being of another is not natural is only an educated embedding working with children is amazing showing us so clearly what and how natural drives and ballance work showing us why consciousness and the ideal are so necessary towards emancipation showing us the place of ideal love inside the workings of bodily survival love is not natural love is religious love is ideal love is man made beware of all the psychosomatics they are already using it to coerce you you are already using them to coerce yourself tradition already uses them to faulty explain the world we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t care about health, we care only about pain. we still belive we are completely mechanical. how weird monstruous people are when we cannot connect with their inner love. we should obey truth not censorship

300 I WAS WRONG

people seek beauty to replace love when they’ve lost grasp upon love when they’ve lost faith in love I have learned about life from people and it was horrible I have learned from Gods and it is ecstatic although we are attracted more to hate it’s only consciousness that is affected by it all the rest is still pure love remember, love does not reside in the consciousness art + blood = life I thought art is a world of truth, mainly it is not, it is just another world of fake forms achieving deception is very satisfying unfortunately I’ve wasted another life trying to relearn, to reunderstand what I knew and did lives and lives again never desire anything never fight for anything just let life do its thing and enjoy the ride try and find contentment and meaning in the shit she provides in the emptiness and hopelessness she brings in her eternal cyclical boring suffering dread I’ve always thought myself as a hateful person and that I cast myself in my characters as the villain as the one looking for redemptionand I found out that I am not a hater at all. that I play much better the roles of the naive open soul girl that redeems the villain.

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there is no true value value is invented by exposure and bullshit by those with the financial power or any kind of enormous power some grand social power high art is thus only because of its banker sponsors it’s not high at all, it’s just what bankers like of they would like neo goth that would become very fast the best of art with all the critical and historical apparatus praising it it’s equal some fight all their lives and fail to achieve their dreams some continuously achieve them without effort it’s the same instinct the same value of taste and dreams in the beginning those that still have a soul after 33yo are angels I am my own son how do rich young people treat art? up to an age people must be reminded of their bad ways to be able to correct them after an age people must be reminded of their good ways to be able to remember them in themselves awards are like brands after a while you stop exploring and trying life you just choose from the ones already tested and agreed upon that they are always good and fulfilling when you wake up in the morning what is your first though, your first concern? we are so happy, so fulfilled, when we are bought by someone with power. we are so ecstatic about selling ourselves to this kind of ‘higher’ purpose. Why? why are we so stupid? why do we sell out so easily? why don’t we refuse in front of the golden cage?

302 I WAS WRONG

I was never interested in parties, booze, drugs, sex or any other perversions that made me a weirdo even among weirdos my only vice is making excentric art to understand the weird nature of man we have to remember that he preferred to live in the toxic foul diseased violent cities for 500 years than out in the wild he preferred to live in agrarian slavery for 5000 years than out in the wild that is the destiny of simple man, a man without an education of thought and with education comes the only other solution for freedom to own slaves. man has never ever fought to build love and equality at a social level the proof is in the history of the village world where people run towards cities to the toxic foul diseased violent cities thus art is not for the simple man and the educated one is interested in art only as a superiority instrument nor simple nor educated man seek freedom I love the way my perception sees and dissects the world so many many people live completely separated from their sexuality. itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s so crazy. so sick. so absurd.

I envy only those that have a free sexual life that have free sexual friends and experience free love all the time and make art out of it those are the only ones that I truly envy unfortunately only with the money of the evil you can do things I was so stupid in believing you can do it with pure faith I cannot live asambled I can take life only in desasembly CIRCLE IV

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I never liked women nor men thank God there are so many other things that people are as an artist the worst thing is that with age you lose faith in friends and then in all humans seeing their lack of help amd envolvment in your art art that you do for them faith and love and emancipation that you do for them your world view is nothing but your gut seeing the world you do not exist at all my work is a dangerous descending ladder towards the darkness of soul and its absolute love I am into sexuality only because I have no idea what that is for the normal people if I knew, I bet I would be against it I’ve ended up being perceived as a pervert because I dedicated my life to the eliberation of emotion angels should always be dirty, I don’t trust clean angels the pussy heals many wounds I don’t care for your righteous social face show me your most eliberating sexual desire show me that person you hide inside show me your absolute freedom it’s better to start any kind of relationships in ideal pure faith than to start them in fear and suspicion and trying to build trust because in both cases all will crumble down except that in the first case you will know and enjoy bliss and love for a while while in the second case you will only accumulate frustration, hate and hopelessness my most intimate and deep desire is to die. what is yours?

304 I WAS WRONG

sometimes I get tired of seeing in you what you are yet blind to see in yourself, tired to try to convince you of what you don’t yet believe about yourself without art, without the materialisation of love I am just a normal fuck up and I can’t bare that. there is nothing worthy to do in life for me. people hate to be told they have a good soul that they have a great heart somewhere deep in them that they are loving persons even in the most fierce hatred and disgust there is love failure is the best thing that happens to me because it both keeps me in and out of society. full in would be too much, full out would be too less, failure keeps me in balance, keeps me on the outskirts of society letting me to be free and also feeding me out of its plentiful resources the small crumbs I need to survive. failure is the perfect solution. now the problem is, how to make someone fail on purpose, but still doing his best to succeed. a paradox, a much needed koan of living. you cannot teach someone to fail, you can only reframe failure for those already doing it. reframing what is already there is the perfect way to explain and make one understand for usually people do without knowing what they do or they do with knowing the little and biased social knowledge is around them.

I could never sexually intimately attract people that’s why I just ask people through text that’s why I try to attract people showing them photos of me in my most intimate and vulnerable moments thus exposing myself for them to know who I am in intimacy I could never understood the game of sexual attraction thus I use weird ways of getting close to people art is not the excuisite way of playing an instrument art is the magic of expressing truth through form that is why art is mainly emotional

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I can accept people either very far away either very close, intimate anything in between is just painful for me close enough to be desirable but unreachable I always hate it and avoid it and could never accept it or understand it I love those that found that their bodies and all their history and person and karma and everything is medium for art. I love those that stopes hiding behind their wooden tools to create and put themselves with all in art. Martyrdom.

I love those that fight against their feelings that repress their natural emotions all their lives, that begin since children to cover them up to try to vilify them. I love them because I see them as adults still fighting to cover them up. I see them breaking up from time to time in some existential crisis losing faith in everything they are everything theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve constructed to cover up their emotions. I love them because they prove love is deep and beyond all our powers of control. I love them because they prove that all consciousness and society is powerless and faulty and incomplete. I love them because in their failure they keep giving me power in my faith in truth and love and their precociousness nature in love and truth as substance as life and not only ideas and emotions I wonder why people still havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s created societies based on intimacy?

I wonder why people always ran away from intimacy, why they kept it only for some sort of god or their representatives on earth and always in secret we will never fight against the bad in us we will always protect it and fight against anyone that will tey to make us better all we can do is use it for the mission acknowledged and used in the lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mission

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I love the young ones that suffer because they cannot yet obey the social norms an values and they want it soo soo bad, because they so have learned in school and at home from tired and depressive parents I love their cute confusion between being true to themselves and obeying societyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s norms I love the way they fight between truth and success between beings themselves and the being the mirror of the others I love the way they renounce hope and love and choose to hassle success for years and years and then after 20 years to find the true value of success absolute zero and feel guilt and regret for all the years wasted chasing shit chasing an illusion they were brain washed into I love their cute shitty minds I love the way people are already fucked up since young I love the ones that never could achieve anything social and somehow found belief in their own inner self in their own inner truth i love these weirdos the live in truth and freedom and continuous hatred from those that chose success in society I love it all I would love people I would love society I would not fear it anymore if we would all agree that #love is what we will all times act and feel towards each other and not formal mirroring of norms and covered protection and suspicion as it is today when inside the sexual world of emotion and experience I always feel like praying I always feel a mystic union with the divine love is filthy, love is real, love is incomplete, love is ugly love is only in our souls gently caressing reality

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it’s so werid how in film there is a necessity to have a contemp setting, a contemp psychology it’s weird because film remains the same in time film is always seen through new eyes, the forever changing eyes of society its werid because theatre is more fantasy as a form, although theatre is not replicable but unique and forever changing along with the world surrounding it but people ask reality from film successful institutions are those that contain and regulate an already existent behavior like the army like the family like high class art nothing works on inspirational drive building on ideas on ideals people would kill 20 200 2000 others in a war that don’t represent them would kill not to die by punishment for treason and none would think to comit suicide just not to kill others heroes are always the killers beside love all human construction is build on absurdity then made to belive in it because it was difficult to build thus let’s respect value and follow because of the great sacrifice in building something faulty and that’s happening for thousands and thousands of years for thousands and thousands of generations let’s wake up a little and stop believing in shit unfortunately we don’t care about art but about the institutions of art we are plagued with a desperate drive towards institutions people don’t want to become angels but kings

308 I WAS WRONG

when something bothered me in life I always tried to understand why it does and how to make it go away now the only thing that really bothers me is that I don’t have people with whom to make projects I will concentrate on that - and I will make it go away I don’t need the bother more than I need the people people don’t do art people’s art is the party poetry is my safe word there are two kinds of people those that are wanted against their wish and those that want and nobody wishes them and the universe in between slaves always refuse to acknowledge the existence of freedom it’s very important for them it makes life livable and they ruthlessly protect this ignorance against anyone I am kept alive by the funny absurd spectacle of people I want to die because of the violent absurd spectacle of people wars happen when leaders are disgusted by their own people and want fast eugenics I could never understand the world without truth what happens there how people function how they friendship it makes no sense to me why is sexuality such an important spiritual tool?

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CIRCLE V

the thousand failures

310 I WAS WRONG

naked men are predators naked women are victims why? its sad that women donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; have a form of erection as transformative towards sexuality as men the absurd may be one of the most important inventions of humanity for it clearly evokes that we live patterned lives without any true meaning but only with dead conventional meaning hanging like corpses from the rules and regulations of the builders of the infrastructures of your lives nobody cares about men so men always need to hassle for attention and food thus they become the abusive ones the hustlers the abusers the disgusting predators men want to be seen and desired as women are everywhere and all the time no matter how ugly they feel about themselves CIRCLE V

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I have lost all hope for acomplishing desires there are those that are not those that are not but think they are those that are but think theu are not and those that are - about understanding, about being, about the fashionable I still belive in magic magic is my faith I known the world never did and when I rarely see it in the eyes of another it’s sublime you should never do things that you know people will envy you for envy is a reaction towards someone’s selfpride and condescending attitude towards those around fuck fuck fuck soo much superiority and power I take my revenge upon the world by creating disgusting perverted ideas.

Soiling the cleanness of fakeness.

I was a child rebel I was a young beautiful punk and now I’ve become an old disgusting pervert I’ve always hated reality reality betrayed me and I can never again trust or belive in it “all I want in life is to be proudest of myself in front of all others” is such a shitty popular life drive “never ever express you deepest emotions your deepest thoughts repress them with all you strength” is such a shitty popular life drive in people

312 I WAS WRONG

never do my mistake and say out loud your deepest feelings and thoughts people will freak in 2s stay fake and sweet and social keep all of your true instincts inside there are millions and millions of people that don’t know how to feel imagine that only a few generations ago if you began a relationship was with one purpose only to marry and live your whole life together imagine the heaviness and absurdity of the responsibility you could never be together with someone just for fun and happiness you could never just start a relationship letting free to go wherever it wants, for as long as it wants. every look upon you was for marriage and family life that’s why they’ve invented love out of lust it was absolutely needed something overwhelmingly irrational to motivate decision of a relationship that’s why they’ve invented made up marriages, of convenience personal choice, idyllic Godly development of relationships it was not useful at all, not working for the masses the pressure was to great for any relationship to exist no, art is not a shortcut way to become aristocracy although this is how all use it we need institutions to be free in them that’s how prison like our world has become people demanding to be inprisoned bravooo to the builders excuisite work on the human mind and soul total entrapment I guess slavery and colonial times served them a great learning curve why do we always push away the closest people in an act of trying to distance them from pain and hurt?

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all my words are of folly for these words are not understood by those to whom are directed to for those that yet don’t have the understanding of life my words are just noise to them ears. my words are understood only by those who already don’t need them anymore the fallacy of modern psychology is that at it’s core is the reason as the best way to be the best way to perceive the world the best way to bypass all that you are girls with dolls boys with guns that’s the way of things the way we brainwash children intro roles yet based on natural drives I have finally understood the nature of evil for it is not that simple thing, intuitive or natural thing to grasp evilness is in the beliefs, teachings and actions to never ever let yourself be defeated with anything and by no one evilness has started as a natural thing, of conquering fear, but step by step has become and abusive behavior. when you don’t own anything of +value for others something people want to steal from you you can be only a #communist trying to own other people without value we don’t want to make art we just want to be artists nothing is fake nothing is a lie all is fiction

314 I WAS WRONG

we are used and pushed to annihilate our problems to fight them off like traumas like handicaps like limits but that is such a lie, such a bullshit, such a dangerous path that only circulates pain remorse and trauma what we need is to begin to learn about our problems about our pain to study them, to explore them, to become scholars of our pain only by doing that we transgress them not by shutting them down, not by pushing them away not by belittling our fears and suffering only when you get to know your suffering as you do a foreign language only then that you can navigate within it only then can you bend it and articulate it into that what it truly is a part of you an unknown, mistreated, misunderstood and misused part of your own soul the thousand failures the thousand cuts the reason we all hate each other the reason we all revenge on each other when we get mad we tend to put it on everyone around that’s what we also do with everything all soft ideas all beliefs all world view we tend to instant generalization we fight by any means possible to survive but we always renounce our conscious life that’s the price we pay for the young age or our consciousness that’s how and why people suicide themselves in all kinds o levels and ways they cannot see the difference between life and consciousness we are thought that our consciousness is our lives and we identify with it completely

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normality is based on the rituals that become OK for a routine use over and over again is not about usefulness or good or bad or survival or value or anything is just the systems of ways that become acceptable to repeat over and over again normality is the... way for the repetitive actions social, mechanical, psychological, and even meta one of the biggest paradoxes about human nature that people try to understand and resolve somehow is that “when one person likes you and another person likes you why is it that they don’t automatically like each other” the world would be such an amazing place if this problem would be solved people expect art to be fake when is too realistic they don’t believe is art anymore no matter how much you try to convince them competitions are a great tool for conformity it actually strengthens the rules and values of conformity rules that are the rules of the competition this is how you create conformity this is how you reinforce it easily and in a fun way you create competitions for everything setting the rules thus people will become the rules, only to win, only to the the best, only to be one of the most valued competition is a master tool for manipulation in the war decisions are made to save your comrades is to sacrifice yourself to save the many the many being your own friends, your own side, your own army, your own system in a society it’s the same thing a society prevails when the individuals sacrifice and fight for those around them. when you value your own life more than the life of the others when you fight for your own life, against the others that’s when societies fall

316 I WAS WRONG

I do not live I never liked living I have nothing of my life to share I only make art only think art for art is more than life more than living to impose your own desires as truth your own frustrations as truth your own needs as truth is evil and is such a popular thing among people my emotions are dangerous my emotions are destructive but not violent my emotions are not for general use not for entertainment my emotions are like psychedelic drugs when people have order they desire desorder when people have desorder they want order itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s amazing how we both need order and desorder in the same time and we are still looking for a way yo have them both we believe in progress but actually we only renew and start from the beginning the way people lived 100 200 300 years ago the circumstances of their environment has changed so dramatically that the answers they were looking for we have forgotten about long time ago there is no progress there is only the same patterns of social control with new tools

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art was invented to understand our inner selves better to communicate with our inner selves better to figure out that common inner selves all psychology is based on art and the art people do in their lives it is interesting that we’ve idealized #beauty, beauty being one of those mysteries of the inside both universal and personal never forget that humans use every tool in a very abusive and coercing way it is not the tool’s fault religion art science politics love misuses of science directly upon the human are in sports the only thing that keeps humans alive is the instinctive faint social love we have for one another no matter the trauma the hardship the abuse the education the poverty or richness we all manifest it instinctually towards each other the most common mistake people make, history makes. is concentrating on exterior. mechanical marks or perhaps there is a third option my mother always wanted to make a great fake self for me but I fought against it always but she knew she knew best that I am not good she hoped she could erase akl the bad with her good unfortunately she didn’t had enough money to change me

318 I WAS WRONG

I was born in a world without intimacy I live in a world without intimacy a world against intimacy and I will not adapt and accept such a world I will not replace intimacy I will not try and satisfy my need for intimacy with other broken and artificial emotions intimacy is love intimacy is life intimacy is God I like that the body cannot be lied to fear is fear pleasure is pleasure peace is peace no matter how much you try to cover it up no matter how much you reframe it no matter how well you know thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not good for you the body is always sincere in its response to impulses no matter their meaning or repercussions there is no future for the body and a very faint past animism, politics, religion, science, technology, AI they all begin as a great leap forward towards emancipation towards humanity and truth and a better understanding of our selves and of the world that we are a part but yet, all of them with time and complexity become corrupted, paranoid and completely broken from any kind of reality I am beginning to understand why masturbation was such a taboo for a long long time masturbation makes people independent and self reflexive it makes people to feel whole and not in existential need of another and that is dangerous as weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve seen along the history with self-sustaining people modernism is the triumph of the masturbators in society as protestantism and laicism then free love abstract thinking and now gender fluidity

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I am beginning to understand why sex was such a taboo for so long we are beings of addiction and open sexuality is something that creates and requests from the person an addiction of other people and an addiction of them being ecstatic beings all the time something that doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t exist thus creating deep frustration and abuse as with any hard drugs if it would be easily possible I wonder how many women would change their vaginas with cocks I wonder how many women would remain into the new modern world only politics change people always remain the same continuously only changing the language they speak believing they change the whole world believing they renew the world believing they better the world women are so socially powerful so independent so fulfilled without any need for others - having children and yet they are the most addicted to other people to social environment and although they can always be qeens and enslave people so easily they have never been in control or social structure builders never been realistic or rational never been interested in matter but mostly mystic and emotional mating rituals mating language mating patterns have not yet been translated into rational it is yet taboo to talk openly and affirming about mating disrespect reality fuck peer pressure

320 I WAS WRONG

when you hate police you forget they are human you do exactly what they do what they are trained to do to hate hateful people in a world without reality but with the possibility of the lie paranoia becomes a broken colored glass world with no past no present no future beauty is any endeavour that tries to save ugliness out of anger and dislike into acceptance and understanding people without shyness have dead souls people without shyness do not see other humans as beings, as alive, as sacred but as mechanic atuomatons for them emotions should not exist a woman “I give birth to babies, and nature makes me care for them for years and years on end. why does nature not knows about self, about Independence and identity? why does nature keeps treating us like a mass of genes, that needs to obey. what is the role of one in nature? how does nature look upon us, upon our discoveries and emancipations?” why do people apologize for what they say when they are drunk? they should apologize for the fear of avoiding saying it when sober people say the truth when drunk people say their emotions and I love that very much I hate controlled protected rational sober people and love their drunk selves that’s when you meet the real self not in conscious censorship my destiny doesn’t satisfy my needs

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beware ideas come instantly out of nowhere. why do you believe in them?

-- to copy from here when you are afraid of time time becomes real every minute becomes real we first start searching for the truth inside us then we begin looking for the one hidden or lost in the world all the secret services and all other governments have investigated for 100 years into mind control into typology and behaviourism they must have discovered some amazing things about love too why are they keeping them so hidden why do they only feed us bullshit what is about love so dangerous that it needs to remain secret and unknown what is about love that is so threatening to the voluntary servitude social system? people prefer evilness to loneliness why was the time invented? why there was needed a past and a future what made time necessary before the Big bang din plÄ&#x192;cerea de a vorbi singur fashion is for aristocracy and for our dreams of being aristocratic but aristocracy is dead our european then anglosaxon history is defined by continuous decisions, by continuous endeavours that have wasted 100x more than they produce. ie religion, science, democracy, consumerism, war

322 I WAS WRONG

consciousness was invented by sedentarism by the necessity to paste ones generation values to the next towards better living and better reproduction and fiabilitate of the species the same with religion with writing with internet and with AI now in order to be able to fuck you need to be free otherwise you are impotent otherwise you are frigid first AI implementation will be done on animals to make them able to comunicate with humans the first applications of developing a mechanistic consciousness faith is not blind faith is the third eye unfortunately art is not purity art always was a rebellion of those that did commercial work and suddenly got tired and sick of it but they never totally renounce commercialism they just lose faith in it and thus art. those that do pure art usually never ever see the light of day never ever are accepted in the art scene we are still totally trapped every time freedom escapes out owners towards the people it always dramatically changes the face of the world see the roman empire fall christianity see the Gutenberg print protestantism the invention of America evangelism ww1 communism ww2 commercialism & democracy see the invention of tv see the internet and each time religion changes violently why do so many people refuse being human? why humanity is such a difficult thing to be why humanity is such a disgusting thing to be CIRCLE V

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life in groups is therapeutic it comes as a genetic embedding and it resolves the need for sharing problems, difficulties and novelties and other anxieties with other trustful people (friends) exactly as in a relationship with a therapist sincerity is very difficult to work with because in any kind of communication even inner communication there are translations upon translations between informational systems inside us and between each other the world is at it is because pleasure is more powerful than pain desire more powerful than health art is so werid and insane for most people art is sick and dangerous art will never be understood or accepted or ever seen as something useful art is just a sissy thing of aristocracy dumbness talking about truth is like talking about reality it cannot be done except being in it I am not attracted anymore by nature or by social life in nature there is no intimacy not with landscapes, not with plants, not with animals.

I am interested in intimacy as a gate towards truth and intimacy weird enough happens only between conscious beings so I am interested only in things that have humans in them but not normal humans not humans in normal circumstances but humans that are naturally inclined towards open heart and universal intimacy and love

324 I WAS WRONG

the most important thing for people is to belong there is nothing more satisfying more pleasurable more powerful than belonging to the group around it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t matter what the group is what the group does belonging is blind but imperative belonging brings meaning and happiness thus existential fulfilment without any effort without any reason itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all in the organic animalic part of our beings people have 2 very distinct mindsets the humanistic (family) one and the warlike killer one my body is beginning to show my hopelessness my lost faith in humanity my body is switching towards self satisfaction not caring anymore about anything else about anyone else bad is fast to correct good is very difficult to correct it may take generations different worlds allows you to become different people people usually start wars out of some kind of love trouble the moment you begin believing in the world of lies the moment you begin having faith in lies your soul dies forever weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always had more faith in institutions of any kind than in people and that reflects directly on our intimate lives and relationships we create new worlds and yet we populate them again and again with the same fallacies and failings

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mystic life was killed first by religion then by politics then by science then by education then by social and yet is still alive in the underground without judgement there is no wrong doing without judgement there is only the beauty of being the infinity of modalities no good no bad there are no good musical notes and bad ones there are no good colors and bad ones there is only perpetual becoming does the good taste of something assures health? does its taste assures wellbeing? the same thing is with beauty it does not I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t belive in correctitude I begin to understand celebrations they are both moments of preparation and moments of release a great way to learn to function towards many people at once a great tool to create togetherness in social communities they train a self they train a soul to close and create ways to function with and for others love is not a social thing perversion is naturalistic philosophy only art is real, only surreal is real, social life is placebo despair is my only reason for doing things despair is so vivid so real so deep so eliberatoing despair destroys and reveals everything in its path. all fakeness all pretence all pride all secrets all rules all fears all constructions despari is truth despair opens the eyes

326 I WAS WRONG

what is your obsession, what do you want to become people suffer because they fail to achieve the values, their owners, put onto them. people suffer because they fail to fulfill the meaning their owners put onto them. relatives, educators, employers, politicians, law enforcers, culture, gods, heroes it’s so easy to love someone if you open your heart towards them. unfortunately so few know how to do it, so few even know it can be done art is so weird and insane for most people. art is sick and dangerous. art will never be understood or accepted or even seen as something useful. art is just a sissy thing of the aristocratic dumbness and decay of their sense of reality would you teach me normal? would you show me normal?

I don’t understand why people that don’t believe in love, make art. i don’t understand why people that fight against love and humanity, make art some people go to the end of the world to find truth, some go to the end of the world to cover up all the truth I like making people do things that they refuse to do, that they would never do, that they avoid to do, I like changing people’s lives. the most important thing for people is not freedom, is to belong. belonging comes with meaning and happiness. you cannot fight against human desire, but you can create it anew please handle hate with great care I am disgusted by beauty all I want is to live a lawless life driven only by love I am nothing more than an ordinary mystic and that’s all what my artwork is all about. it’s simple.

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truth is simple, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like a melody, difficult is to find it, difficult is to dance it, difficult is to be it.

I miss the joy of freedom, I miss love, I miss intimacy, I miss infatuation, I miss infinity. did you noticed that hebrew then christian deleted all mystic beings, all mystic perception from the religious life? It was a real revolution in its day, it was science. my truth is so shocking it must be a lie, it must be dementia does taste assures health? assures wellbeing? assures beauty? freedom is just a new unknown system of laws ready to be discovered why do you truly live your life why do you choose nothing over something, why do you chose something over nothing I prefer to never have friends, to never have a partner, to never have family, than to accept the fakeness of social ways, the fakness of the ways of the world. exposed intimacy is occult I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t restrain myself between the limits of the accepted laws, because thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s how our minds souls and lives are enslaved to lifestyles of slavery and total control. i prefer to seek the natural tao of life, outside social contracts. the world is filled with overvalued bla bla bla bla bla bla we still live in the illusion that reality is defined through actions, that mechanical actions are the fundamental blocks of reality how can one understand anything about oneself when all days long they have to play the roles of normalcy

328 I WAS WRONG

your opinion about yourself doesn’t matter your grade of self-esteem doesn’t matter it’s worthless. if it’s self-sufficient is wrong if it’s self-deprecating is wrong for it is never you that gives value to yourself for it is never you that can know what you are for you are always ahead of what you are looking back on yourself the unknown gazing upon the known loving only one person in a classical closed relationship will soon transform that person into an inexistence as air, or as the taste of water one, without any kind of other for contrast will soon dissappear is the way of biology unfortunately and biology we often forget about when we think about our own existence or of another. a loved one becomes royalty and divine by contrast with other angelic beings even the religion of the unnamed became a religion of many layers and hierarchy of divinities and saints it is a natural way of the divine to use love and intimacy and truth in openness and freedom the only thing I want is peace but I am afraid I will die if I enjoy it existence is not a peaceful place enlightenment is useless there is no social infrastructure for it why should you be different then the others why should you be excluded from their ignorance and destructive ways why should you see truth it’s useless all you need are skills for food and fight commercialism creates generalisations of extremes - for people desire and pay only for extremes - thus only extremes exist in the chatter of products - extremes and their paraphernalia I’ve always looked for a ritualised way of living not knowing that my own culture, romanian, has one CIRCLE V

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CIRCLE VI

all art emphasizes disease

330 I WAS WRONG

men that need to become women I finally understand them women are so much more powerful so much more appealing so much more accepted for their sexuality men are not so to be sexualy open you have to be a woman sad itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s amazing how the cultural sabotage some tried on societies actually emancipated them ie: destruction of indigenous religions and traditions, breaking taboos, belittling traditions and social archetypes I cannot be a man it wouldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been such a blessing to be a woman in this world what are you rambling about human relationships were never real never something real body to body is not real

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my clothes don’t represent anger or revolution or condescending attitudes my clothes are common technical when we are young we proceed from words towards meaning when we are older we go from meaning towards words and any other forms of expression unconsciously in a completely negativistic culture is weird to be called negativistic is that optimistic? and if so why is optimism a bad thing? bărbatul ca arhetip este vinatorul puternic destept și plin de vinat eu sint unul care creste mici animale. domestice găini, capre, oi, poate cu timpul și daca prind curaj și o vacutza singurul vinat al meu este pestele its funny how no one can achieve greatness or success without talent and luck nothing constructed and super professional but devoid of talent and luck ever has any true value no matter how much a person learns and fights to become good at something he cannot achieve it without talent and luck is weird because being in a rational scientific times talent and luck should not be so essential in humans but fortunately humans are not machines no matter how much we try to convince ourselves and how much they treat us as machines if people around are ok with you being scared then that fear goes away why are we so against our own fear why are we so against the other one’s fears?

I love the way men still force women into changing their own life view this generation is forcing them to renounce normal relationships into single motherhood

332 I WAS WRONG

I was born in a world without intimacy I live in a world without intimacy a world against intimacy our minds are not good with algorithms we cannot repeat them over and over and over and over identically we are psychedelic in mind utterly organic and progressive not circular at all irregular as all nature stop trying to make your mind a geometric garden it will always cripple you Facebook is a great example about how a good thing is misused by people making it to react amd defend itself amd impose laws and policing and escalating step by step into a bad thing people are sooo werid I still cannot understand those that cannot respect the good things in the world those that cannot see good in anything in the world what is this goodness beauty in order to be muscular upright, elegant we need to make the body fear its own proportions and resources and start creating muscles as to sustain the new effort beauty is always created by force and terror either forms, either matter, either body, either person thats why I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like beauty I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t fight for it or towards it but I fight for acceptance, understanding, togetherness and empathy people always aim towards professional. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. I like garbage dumps better my ideas were too mild, too peaceful, too boring I needed projects that shouts at people and so I learned how to do it but I failed at that too

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people are trapped in a continuous fight to prove their innocence thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s how society works I am lucky I was never part of it I just accepted the imaginary paranoid absurd guilt I just accepted their deformed definition of me heaven has no meaning without first experiencing hell that is the unknown amazing power of christianity - forgiveness of the past, keeping the experience of hell but without paying the consequences amazing trick of course only the builder of the world would, could, be able to do that for a person - modifying karma and those that havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t visited hell, are lame and unwanted frail people church needs the guilty not the saints this life I dedicated it to the abstract to the truth and freedom of the abstract to the wonderful experience of the abstract to the natural organic fabric of the abstract a better world is not done through better politics but better humans reality/life is only for the successful, for the popular, for the karismatic. for us failures there is only the dream world and death. and we need to accept that and make the best out of it. and not just sell our souls to owners only out of pain and misfit although my life is desperately shitty the things that keep me happy amd curious to continue are: the absurd silliness of people and society the ingenuity of dramatic writing the psihological social change of technology the wonders of vocabulary the manifestations of mass paranoia in people and society the beauty of recurring atmosferic smells throughout the cicle of the year and epistemology I am an absolute actor I can be only what you expect me to be

334 I WAS WRONG

making art brought me a sense of meaning but no sustenance working brought me sustenance but no sense of meaning meaningful work it’s a ghost we painfully chase with continuous failure beauty for me is a sense of health if our mouths wouldn’t smell in the mornings if our feet wouldn’t smell off shoes we would be angels you are old, you’ve become so certain of your ideas, of your beliefs people are a deep disappointment. only ideas are worthy, only feelings, only ideals being young means being not knowing means looking for answers means learning when you feel you know you are old old and stiff already unnecessary jump into something new for thousands of years an amazing harmonious life model. unfortunately it was heavily damaged by thousands of years of slavery and ideological toxicity music - is the tool of direct emotionalities, it has no conscious abstract meaning or message, no information and yet it is perceived through an apparatus - the ear - evolved for survival - to fend off predators and for chasing prey it’s so weird, this relationship between survival and emotions, between utility and pleasure although all their lives have been abused and hurt by people that created a hopeless doomed life view, yet, they have never renounce looking for love never renounce people even if they fight they revenge they hate it all against them all their lives

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we are biased towards treating other beings as objects because for our survival we use ‘divine’ objects and not beings, named food give me your passwords people can be together only horizontally in what could I channel my hate and anger against people so I can remain a clean nice fruity guy what I’ve asked from myself I’ve always achieved what I’ve asked for the world I’ve always failed fighting slavery without genitals is stupid genitals are human not politics not consciousness not religion but open genitals without them we are slaves in our robotic world I hate and despise the people accepting slavery I always stood away from them I was lucky to be afraid of them and their cunningly brainwash I was lucky to never been accepted in amy of their programs of education and indoctrination you will maybe understand my madness in the future when this social system will become vilified the world is shit, we just try to find out why the people are shit, we just try to find out why our existence is shit, we just try to find out why organics are abusing ourselves we are abusing organics it is an open war since 17th century despair is such a beautiful thing

336 I WAS WRONG

I know people naturally fear men I wanted to make it somehow to present myself so people would not fear me but I could only transform one fear into another there is no way to escape fear collective paranoia is stronger than individual truth despair is such an amazing experience despair is such an amazing process despair is like love is like truth despair is another eliberating powerful tool embrace despair embrace failure embrace fear but first somehow you need to see through that the world’s values and goals, are wrong virtual’s only purpose is to facilitate human contact as it was language writting art religion but so many use them only in themselves forms onto forms onto forms the usual labyrinthum of paranoia hiding behind mirrors into mirrors that’s how great is fear of self fear of truth fear of being fear of reality I do everything only out of despair you can read in everything I do, pure despair the question is what feeds this despair what create it and why? its life your likes make justice your likes are the justice in this new world that’s why they had to morph our subconscious beware I trust only desperate people all others I fear CIRCLE VI

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all art emphasise disease I guess suffering is all I ever wanted from life and I subconsciously go towards it all the time without it my life makes no sense I need suffering so I can say - so fucking what, I do not care, I do not feel pain, bring it on I am a hero, praise me only suicidals can begin the journey towards truth why genes have invented humours? more ways of perception of reality inside the same population of individuals with similar physical features amazing reasoning but so confusing for a single type of consciousness I wonder why did nature made 4 types of blood? it’s so difficult to become alive, this is a world of the dead I want to make you feel my pain do you feel my pain? do you journey with me inside the pain of living each time you read my work? do you understand the purpose of these emotions? it’s so amaziiing when a next level appears in the world it’s the best ecstasy of them all (I wonder why is it so, organic, natural, genetic) the character of a person is in the marrow it is deeply genetic it might have something to do with Tibetan, newborn choosing their parents I found my marrow and what are the organic reasons for what I am it’s incredible when I choose what to do with my life I chose wrong I chose to help people spiritually

338 I WAS WRONG

unfortunately I don’t do narcisism nor help anyone with theirs since thousands of years people have ran away from seeking truth feared the truth that’s why we have the world we have today that’s why my ideas are so utopic that’s why my work is so impossible a collective love and truth and freedom is a great forbidden zone the good thing is that freedom has become virtual from the purely intellectual one it’s so sad that in human physiology, loss of love needs vengeance and punishment to be overcome. I wonder why is like that? what evolutionary sense made it so? we are too good at faking behavior that we ourselves get convinced it’s the truth I know the world is shit and hopeless and yet, without any proof I still have faith in its purity in the purity of all the world because I believe in the purity of the world I have cut away most of it from my experiencing and perception I would have such a happy life without all these possibilities without all these reachable opportunities I’ve end up being what I hated about people when I was a child haters are always aiming for success, that’s their god, that’s why they are so dangerous

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the thougher you get the more violent your encounters become because the toughness needs a lot of power to be bended so tough people need to use violence to communicate violentce to bend each other into community. the softer you get the less violence the softer you get yhe more open to others you are the less force is needed to commune the less force gets us to compassion and empathy it makes me so sad that I cannot be sincere most of days with most people it almost makes me cry to know I cannot never say the truth that all this life must be lived in lies refraining from truth in glimpses of nothingness drugs and all toxic addictions shows us how little people think and weight the pain of coming down from the high how little bad effects matter if they are fronted by pleasure itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s amazing to see that consequences never matter and that we all live in prezent everybody copies everybody else itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all a sort of irrational emotional formalism we do it because it works and it makes me look good. but there are those that donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t copy but explore creativity inside themselves deeper and deeper reaching layers of common understanding of common life and being of universal love chasing success will not find truth chasing truth will find survival too. people are scared to follow truth only because they think the path is closed to the food and shelter. but that is a false belief created by them life is measured in failures

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God and the Devil fucked with great passion and had a child who was the one that bare the pregnancy who was the one to give it birth who was the mother unfortunately popularity doesn’t measure humanity mostly it’s inverse proportional I was wrong shy people cam be very very agresive and evil can be very shallow and deconnected from their soul.

I’ve always believed that shy people are shy because of their sensitivity and lack of desire to protect their souls knowing that they will kill it but no, there are many many people that have killed willingly their soul to be able to cope with the world but they’ve still remained shy and hidden for what they think is soul murder is just soul entrapment nobody can kill the soul internet has become too social it used to be personal it used to be truthful it used to be a place for sincerity a place to fight against society against the fake it is not anymore

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intimacy is my favorite kind of protest

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my work is all about #pity I am selling #pity to those that have none left nonreligious eliberating #pity my mother was a slave my father was a slave and I ran away from the plantation all I do is a continuous state of mourning all I do is a continuous grief for the continuous loss out of my continuous failed strife to create a better world for all human beings I need to find a way to mix my fear of people with my need for sensual freedom magic / comedy = reality

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the fable of the chair --people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need to care about your work they just need to take notice so what do you do? is simple you take a chair and you climb on it now people can see you better the higher the chair the more chairs you stack one on top of the other the more interesting the chair architecture the more notice you get making love was not referring to sexual intercourse initially female nudity is universal truth male nudity is just gay #feminism it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t matter if all the world is dirty as long as you have your small clean corner it is hopeful to know that people always want more there are so many problems inside a womanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pussy I believe in the conspiration theory of the subconscious as the great evil ruler of men and their women

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art is just a bunch of bullshit for sissiii lame self deceiving schmucks weirdos creeps perverts and psychos art is good for them because it keeps them safe in their world of bullshit and donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bother us normal honest real people -- a lot of people seem to believe it art is a mental institution for the misfits of the society those that believe or like art are sick people in the mind and need to be helped to become normal healthy human beings again light entertainment is the most people can accept as normal and healthy the rest it should be outlawed as damaging debilitating drugs you prefer to see people I prefer to see angels in humans being human sucks it sucks ass big time the ladder of emancipation must be upside down for sure when people finally understand is always already too late men find happiness in erectionism anything that make their cock hard or promises them the erection for men live continuously in the nostalgia, in the missing of their natural state the state of erection what is womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s natural sate?

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one of the biggest drives of human beings is to satisfy their desires without giving something in return a great bias that will always win when used to manipulate people a great urge that keeps us from becoming complete machines and keeps us in a continuous revolution because this drive is actually a spiritual need for existing the karmic destiny that mean that at the base of all evil is an amazing powerful divine urge devaluation is a first step in weakening desires and after weakening of desire we begin to see reality in its spiritual simple way and they know it and they need to keep people in acute and terrible desires and all their horrible side effects so that people remain in the system serve the system and desire to be part of the system custom made desires popularity is a form of communism because it enforces and controls those things ideas and drives that make us all a mass of people and makes us all to deny ourselves the wholeness and diversity of our being accepting only what is common with all. the others even desires even pleasures even identity science is just a way of interpretation of phenomena is just a medium as language is as religion is truth is always hidden --the paradox of it it makes you think about the nature of truth and that maybe is something different from what we think it is

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addiction is for those that hate themselves so much that would give anything for a better life even if it kills them imagine a world where you can become better with a puf of smoke with a pill with an injection with a drink what is the ultimate selfishness? living without creation for others living only for oneself experience only for satisfaction of oneself no matter if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a divinity not sharing, is disgusting I needed to learn to have sex with men because if felt horrible that women were the only choice I hate all monopolies, all dictatorships, all one choice situations love and intimacy must be free and infinite in diversity I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t believe in one choice only even life is not one, even death is not our goal is truth under the influence of love If it is true an we exchange DNA through sex it can explain so much of our innate social drives why we seek complementaries in our partners why we stay away from different people or weird people - to far apart from our DNA why we seek beauty as health and strength in another why the institution of long term coupling why frivolity is seen as bringing insanity in people - DNA too much diversity to proper incorporation -and if so we can identify the quality of DNA drives inside ourselves and their manifestations in feeling thought and dream and we can then search to heal it and if so, a whole new world social order and functionality will spring into the world I have faith in your stupidity

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the internet is our contemporary blank canvas onto which we can study the instincts drives and dynamics of humans even if they were educated in a material historical society already with its own values mores faults taboos look at the internet as a place where we could be ourselves as much and as truly ourselves as possible look at the internet as what humans naturally do into any new world and medium and we are still in its infancy -how can you doubt new worlds? how can you doubt human endeavor to find language, meaning, truth, togetherness? how can you doubt freedom? how can you believe in human self destruction without guidance and control?

-you should doubt the beliefs you were thought to have. and explore any new world where humans went, and see that everywhere they’ve thrived and found beauty truth love over and over again. you should learn from our history, that without new worlds, we become toxic in our beliefs and self destruct. but you don’t need to believe me. just go out there and see it for yourself.

I’ve never wanted to be one always wanted to be many I need you to know me before we meet I need you to judge me before we meet and I need your sentence so I can know who you are it is not the use of a drug that needs to be blamed not the satisfaction of an addiction but the uses of the effects of drugs and the uses of the effects of any addictive experience - even love, even God -if heroine would be taken by priests before a ceremony their disease and early deaths would be seen as a great sacrifice

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I love being sad it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really matter that you are insane it matters only what kind of insane are you what kind of insane world you create around you humanity is based on cool insanities inserted into society as betterments -accepting insanity is the highest form of acceptance of humanity imagine a world of reverberating personal insanities collective insanities unconscious insanities archetypal insanities my social rules are different and that makes me a threat as anyone with other rules too many people around with broken hope we are open minded about ourselves about how we see the world but we are not open minded about those around us about how they see the world we want them to have the same open mind as us failure in front of nature keeps us sane its so difficult to be independent that no one questions slavery and everyone fights to become a better slave there is no violence in the ones that accept death violence is an acute and overwhelming and absolute reaction to fear of death, even fear of fear of death it too dangerous for them your words are words for myself my words are worlds do you need more reality or more fantasy in your life?

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outside of hell there is no life not even dreams, not even desires so many people just want to live their lives for themselves its so weird so selfish I could never understand it life in its own is absurd isn’t it the ‘#should’ and ‘#would’ are the roots of #paranoia’ in society and ‘#paranoia’ is the root of ‘#lying’ and lying interfering with truth reverberates in parallel worlds until no one knows what is real anymore -and that is the role of induced paranoia in society for the politics are interested in creating and maintaining their own reality their own sistem knowing that all social and human sistems are conventional and so they have no inherent reality -you want to find turth reduce to a minimum exercise with anihilating #should and #would experiment outside them take refuge in me take refuge in my art for you

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life meaning life’s essence life reason of existence is to #fail to continuously #fail at what your idealize to live in #failure in incomplete ideals and yet to understand that even in our failure #beauty although hidden from our eyes covered in idilic dreams covered by other’s dreams is there for even the most beautiful flower is living in failure wants so much more even the king of kings is living in failure even God is living in failure -and in its trail we leave beauty beauty not for ourselves but for others around world is build on failed dreams on disappointment I believe the problem is that both girls and boys are receiving love and intimacy when they are children by the #mother and that father intimacy is considered at the fringe of taboo that’s why in young adulthood giving men a chance to intimacy is so often a disappointment for women it is never easy to change your openness from one sex to the other that’s why women are always crippled emotionally and much more conflicted and with such a different education than men women have a sensual feminine natural language from their mothers and need to learn the masculine one. but that is an older manufactured one.

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sexy = I want you to fuck me consciousness is awaken by the body when another person around it is in distress isn’t that beautiful?

I hate having only one friend better none if women want to change the most essential thing they have to eliberate is the existential hermeneutics of the erected cock in the social environment feminism is anarchy as men with beard is a refusal of the righteousness of the system what I love about people very very much is their irresistible pleasure to be in one color environments and the bigger they are the better it is amd I don’t yet understand how come the ugly thing is that any child born in this world will love it just the way it is and later will feel guilty about it and fight to change all his origins but also never will he feel comfortable or accepted in a better world prepare yourself you’ll sooner or later be responsible for someone’s death or crippling or inner trauma prepare yourself to face to the guilt remorse and regret that will haunt you people can relate in complete trust only with their own inner desires, everything else is outside and uncertain.

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once a desire is satisfied people identify their interiority with that satisfaction thus extending the interior to the exterior into an illusory extended being that creates the same reaction as an amputation or disease if the satisfaction suddenly doesn’t work anymore. being so much driven by desire as the most important perceptual device of existence we live in dreams and reality is nothing but and interference in our dreams and interference that we try to fine tune to our inner desire universe. losing satisfactions. losing faith in our inner desire. learning that reality is much more important. learning about responsibility and caring for the other, we lose the meaning of life. for the meaning of life is to live and experience desire and satisfaction.

I know, its weird. but is true. and we all feel it deep inside. now all that we can do about it is try and become conscious of our desires and our pleasures. because we have so little when we born and all of them are created as a dialogue between inner and outer life since we were toddlers intimacy is my favorite kind of protest against all social abuse and fakery My art is an intimate art #sinnesinth Qui constitue fondamentalement les caractères propres de tel individu, sa nature essentielle; qui se rattache à ce qu’il y a de plus personnel en lui.

Ce qu’il y a de plus profond, de plus essentiel, de plus original chez une personne.

Qui favorise l’épanouissement de la vie intérieure profonde, la méditation, par son isolement, son calme feutré I’ve always been a wannabe one of my biggest obstacles is that I am naturally silly and it always boycotts my seriousness or any artsy shit I want to do but also it keeps me from not becoming a pompous fake ass and also it keeps me beautifully grounded in natural organic anarchy

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I have destroyed my chances to a good life 3 times now for a revolutionary lost cause I have lost all is easy for me nothing to look forward except my stupid revolution my ultimate loss will be losing my lost cause if I will ever be successful with my artistic way a lot of people will panic for that means I am right and their fake world are in danger my continuous failure keeps many happy for that means their world is safe I like only the people that ha the drive to create new worlds and not those that only want to brake in the old ones I would better die than become normal people create their identity and life according to the others around them they interpret life as their desired place in the group nobody lives their inner true life, nobody is allowed to its ok to lie? and if so how do you organize this new universe of what can and cannot be falsified?

I never liked people thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why in all my photos and films I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t portrait people but a different species of humans an nonexistent species I would love men to be as women in desirability

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all my regrets that year by year have piled all around me are suffocating me are drowning all my mind all my hopes all my righteousness and made me to become just another worthless creep what we fight against more than anything else for centuries is man’s drive for #revenge we just want to witness life living is for servants -I wonder how that came about in our anthropology or if it is something deeper in the root of our consciousness or even more than that, a glitch in the survival instinct watching life is connected to a death drive a sort of purgatory and being involved in creating things for others to watch is a meta purgatory thus a purest heaven people they cannot make the difference between reality and desire between inner and outer experience for them ‘I would’ is the same with ‘I do’ thank you all to those that see me as a threat I love my tragic destiny and my futile fight with it My life is so beautiful is sad only that I can’t share it with others but well I’m trying

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all our virtues were invented because of our shame to act out of our most sincere desires all our virtues were invented to act our most sincere desires under the disguise of virtue we are all beasts in angelic fashion beauty is a symbol of desired vanity has nothing to with truth or purity unfortunately is all constructed on lies transforming stupid lust in virtue the world is fucked up and you’re protecting it commercialism is the truth the deepest truth of human social nature and we live in an era when this ideal of the free market is actually real we are commercial beings we are not innocent and sanctified we only truly care about gain and profit from course to the most subtle from desire to need from conscious to unconscious from basic to religious its all just a big big commercial hassle such a beautiful silence descends over us when I ask for practical solutions and I don’t allow you to continue theories and doubts and desires and hopes too much air wasted in our mouths is time for action or time for silence let’s respect the true nature of our nondoing let’s be quiet social avant-garde

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and another bad thing is that helping another is never done out of the heart but always out of coercion so stop wondering why the world is so shitty why people are so creepy is because of you look at yourself and your reasons for being â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;goodâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; our necessity for personification of all nonhuman is a proof of our limitations and of our place in the universe is the true mathematics of our species there is something interesting happening with people around the age of 30yo they become the worst they have inside. they have a revelation that all their strife to be good and in togetherness with the world is all bullshit and the only way is to be truly your own most ruthless self. it happens to people all around me and is frightening it happens to me but I am lucky for my worst is suicidal.

- about the loss of faith in human mythology - and the constant need for idealistic art infusion in the society I like fade outs and fade ins never could understand break ins and break aways the assumed pain of identity so real i could never agree to accept it i chose to believe in the soothing beauty of identity so imaginary

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I am becoming a monster because I blame you for driving people into slavery for not helping freedom for being against freedom for sending people back in the system the system you so strongly hate too but are a part of i am a monster because i poke into your monstrous nature and you have a hidden belief better a slave than a monster you will never get what you want but your fighting for will create waves that push you forward. desires are the life force I am so happy anxiety and fear of people becomes more and more socially acceptable all that exists was made inside the system of money never forget that what I do is outside is just an abomination that needs to be annihilated you can either suicide or kill all those around knowing that people love you love your work but let you starve thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s amazingly obscene if you go outside the systems you need to build a system we should start by accepting that we are not innocent which is the most difficult step to make

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you should let go and embrace death embrace me is he only way of rebellion against your stupid useless life leap with me in a world of certain failure and certain freedom and certain death people only need slaves but all slaves with consciousness rebel in search of freedom a mysterious notion that when achieved is just like any other drug effect a few moments of altered perception then sinking back in the patterns of genetic drives if you shout loud enough and powerful enough and often enough that something is beautiful people will believe it - beauty is politics I was an artist if women want for men to change the way they see them and react to them according to their desires women should also change the way they see men and react to them according to their desires what is a man for a woman is really not a man what is a woman for a man is not really a woman creepy and why this fundamental incompatibility happened? nobody understands why they are loved what they did to ignite it in the others

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I want You to like Me and when you don’t my life is worthless so the value of one’s life is in the amount of love others show to you love is money too I’ve blocked you your main personality so if you still want to be close to me please create a new self a new eye a new way of seeing things become something new if you open enough every like is like a #rape by a passionate hasty frustrated anonymous wanting to satisfy himself with you with the object that you are and that you sell to anyone interested chaos is so complex so beautiful so dangerous so poetic heaven without earth is bullshit earth without heaven is bullshit together mmmm not quite that bullshit but still bullshit but what is bullshit?

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my love is fake for my love is failure and I know that when love is pure everything is magic and alive but nothing works around me and nobody cares it means that my love for them for all people for all the worlds and all life is a llie is fake an I truly donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t love anything and anyone and I love death and solitude, destruction and lies for that is all that surrounds me all that I attract towards me all my life unfortunately your words do not help my life and neither your appreciation its all emptiness if you care for my life you need to do to do something and by not doing you actually donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really care for your care is an idyllic one a virtual one and worthless life is just the failure of death an exception an aberration of death their machine is too powerful we have to live meaningless lives or just chose to die unfortunately we are too few and too spread apart but maybe in the next generation better people than us less selfish will create a new world

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people use the online to put a distance between them and the world too push away from their own desires and truth too feel free with anyone knowing and I am fighting to bring the world closer omg I am soo stupid sooo soo stupid I am a new kind of man yet undefined using old definitions and concepts only misinterpreted me only see me as monstrous is great when the world loves you is weird when it hates you makes love to clog on the veins so its necessary extra thinning the most beautiful and meaningful relationships between people are based on an artistic togetherness love is nothing without a underlying materiality and art is the perfect fabric that can transgress the cultural crippling bonds of survival an art project is the deepest thing two people can do together and based on that, is also my project of therapy with an artist if your an artist make part of your work having therapy with people in need you are the best kind of psychologist psychology is cold stupid science and you waste your artistic magic trying to sell it in plastic bags for anonymous people youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re an artist youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re the human

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artists are not interested in you the spectator they prefer you to be anonymous and hate it when you in your love for them in your open heart and belief in them approach them and become human out of an anonymous paying body we need more than art thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why I believe in therapy where artist and spectator face each other and their experiences intertwine human experience human creation #sinnesinththerapy artists give generic advice and help about life but it has no value because you need someone that knows you that knows your life that is interested in your personal well being one to one relationship outside your daily life a meta relationship that creates and cleanses a meta place inside a meta based on your own history and experience of life #sinnesinththerapy art is not enough we need the intimate experience of the artist with the spectator the actor/spectator that comes with his life in the experience the spectator is both king and sacrifice the artist is both instrument and guide a new kind of art a new kind of therapy a new kind of life #sinnesinththerapy therapy is for those that want but canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do it blocked by their own constructed self by the laws of cultural education and systems of common values if art is therapy letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s do therapy through art

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I am beginning my therapist practice healing is change change into what we forgot we are change into what we never discovered we are change out of the coercion of the temporary mind people have always been drawn to me for inner help because art is about culture as culture is about a incentive for social to work and keep progressing and therapy is about the individual and his freedom of being using non-conventional methods to bring back truth and faith in yourself why does the normal person even exists? why aren’t we all saints and yogis? we are born culturally empty slated, we are thought and educated to become normal working people we become what our parents are, what people around us are, learn the language, the values, the needs,the fears, the concepts, the laws, the meaning of life from them is so simple to raise children as saints, so much more simpler that changing them on the way why isn’t there, even a single country that is completely religious? is very very weird why the most powerful wise enlightened spiritual leaders and practitioners haven’t been able to build a spiritual people? is very very strange why all the power and revelation of spirituality the great lamas, the powerful yogis, the amazing charismatic mystics couldn’t create a next generation, an ongoing lineage of spirituality in complete forgetfulness of the common man they have the power to do it for 5000 years why is the common man more powerful that the enlightened ones is the spiritual power just a lot of bull shit and fakeness and just lies and conceptualization of simple and lame human common instincts or there is a really important spiritual motive behind keeping the common man in existence in ignorance and violence in slavery and redundancy in meaningless painful suffering in crippling traumas and mental malfunction and perception in guilt and regret why this enormous lie is necessary?

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I know you will not help me as long as you don’t feel you’ll gain tenfold out of me.

I know I have nothing that valuable to give you.

I think I found out why people consume art why the consumer consumes and pays for art Art is just a symbol of a higher class of people and we all chase profit or profitable situations.

That is why when the artist is not part of the Luxurious Successful High Paying Art System - nobody cares for his art.

That’s why artists chase Art Systems that are created by High Class Institutions. That’s why they fight to enter the System.

Art doesn’t exist.

Or it exists in its true form and true form of communication. Without the fake ears of the profit seekers.

In the Underground. In the Anarchy. where there is no system and all that transcends from artist to people is the depth of art. and not its profitable messages of gain and power.

-that’s why all these social online platforms are such an amazing tool for the underground for its ideas and philosophy is spreading 1000 time more than it did 20 years ago and from local underground there is a continue faint buzz of underground throughout the world and as soon as people will be conscious of it as soon the art will become free because now art is fake even in the hearts of the spectator for they’ve even stolen the truth with which the spectator opens up in the face of art everything is stolen there is no truth anymore except in the off grid underground where new human beings are reborn every day -if you wonder why I do what I do without any hope for being accepted by the system is exactly for this knowing that from time to time there is a person outthere that is reborn in freedom in the underground in unsystematic truth CHAPTER VII

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art is the cheapest form of cultural luxury I am alone but I still believe possible that when I will find a second and together weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll find a third everything will blossom and weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll create a new world -but until then I wonder in worlds of idilic dream #sinnedreams people look soo much for sex and give everything for it even their lives even their individuality ans when they have it they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know what to do with it and waste it are you afraid of yourself? are you protecting the world from yourself? do you enslave yourself to conform? do you feel bad about that? bad about yourself? do you feel entrapped by yourself? great societies have great underground culture free unlimited fearless to the bone getting it all out there nothing to hide nothing to bullshit taking with pleasure the rejection of society -shitty societies have only stupid proud lieing people and fake underground Romania is one of the shitty ones

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happy people have a crapy society a high end society has crapy sad people its weird creating a better world doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make better people but the reverse of it because better worlds need huge amounts of slaves working without ideals for purposes their happiness has no connection with thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why I love shitty societies small and on the virge of collapse into wilderness for there people are most human but nobody sees the good in me not even my closest friends I am the kind of man that has no personal life that lives only through his work unfortunately my work is unfinanced so my life is dedicated to a form of art that will slowly kill me something similar to gambling useless for others toxic for me but ecstatic and meaningful like hard drugs maybe like crack cocaine cheap addictive and totally fucked up people share their life online or in art because they realize their own experiences are meaningless and useless if they are not a part of some common experience

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you can understand me only if you work with me only if you do art with me all the rest are partialities that contradict themselves faces that change circumstances only for all I am is #zero I reduce everything to zero -love is just a lot of bullshit bullshit is divine people are evil evil is a great experience for understanding of duality you are soo beautiful beauty is damaging us inside humans are sacred divinity is a lie and so on and so on and so on for zero is infinity both positive and negative and infinity is nothing both living and in death I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know that humans can be pets of their pets I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know that animals are not by default submissive to humans cool I now respect animals more equally to humans

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art is really such a pretentious bullshit all that art has created can be found in a sitcom episode art is just a big big scam fuck art and fuck all the pompous idiots that call themselves artists but well big money need big scams in any part of life entertainment is the best invention in the history of man it keeps people from asking themselves questions questions that never lead to good entertainment makes life fun and worth living for it hooks directly in all our desires and satisfies them so very very well entertainment is all we need in life bread and circus and for any new desire and for any niche obscure desire there will always be some form of entertainment to satisfy it peace if you want to save me make me an artist I suffer with a smile on my face for that’s how the best suffering is to be suffered looking at the good in suffering it doesn’t matter if you seek the good in people for nobody believes you anyway that’s why both good and evil are worthless that’s why only #nothingness can exist some call it #emptyness no ideals no addictions no joy no suffering nothingness is the only real ideal love is not the strongest thing for one is powerful enough to sacrifice love whe love is toxic for the loved one CHAPTER VII

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healing its something very weird what is this tendency of the body? heal towards what? what is the goal of this apparatus that annihilates change? what is a healed body? a body that is in continuous death and rebirth, in a continously self imperfect slightly altered replication. how does it function at the consciousness level? what this apparatus of healing tries to heal in our minds? in our worlds? in our dreams? the good in people the good in people the good in people the good in people the good in people the good in people the good in people the good in people the good in people the good in people the good in people the good in people is too deep too unused for people to care about it is like art useless and unpractical for its not part of the machine thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s such an incredible race out here for who to simulate reality the closest to the real thing in dreams. the most fundamental frustration of our human history since hominids seeing the good in people even in flawed people is so rare that every time I see someone doing it it makes me cry. is the most beautiful thing in the world in our human world

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its such an incredible buzz when someone even against all odds sees the good in another. its so rare its so wonderful its so soul cleansing to see that there is still hope for our f up human kind be a nihilist you will laugh at failure as you would laugh at success for all is a monstrous absurdity I despise civilian friends I have no interest in chat and hanging out no interest in having fun and exchanging life stories for I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want normality and no normal things to do with people I want to escape from it through art so I only meet with people interested in making art with me creating another world and talking about this construction how can I make it that after death my soul will die as well not going anywhere not a new life not in hell, not in heaven not in the unity of the universe if you believe in beauty you will not like me you will not accept me you will not understand anything that I say

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unity harmony love beauty are side effects of sexual experience are dreams sexuality creates in people, dream worlds as those we go in when we die. sexuality is the highest form of human experience, there is nothing more in the objective reality higher than that begins the dangerous unreal realm of dreams. a realm that refuses to conform to the laws of nature as we ourselves refuse realities laws with such a powerful refuse that all our lives are constructed on dreams dreaming continuously from birth on to death, striving for those ecstatic dreams that the emotions of sexual encounters open up in us, striving for those dreams that the emotions of sexual encounters create in us because sexuality is nothing but the same liberating experience. we so often felt in and lived in for days and days, for months and months, in our pure childhood. when reality was our sexual partner, where consciousness was our sexual organ, where orgasm was discovery and revelation of the existent. there is nothing magical about this world, just some tricks nature put in us and we continued the trickery in our dream worlds. live your life in dreams and magical unity but never forget that it is a lie, a necessary lie without which our lives are impossible. consciousness and dream is one and the same animal I dream of some addictive pills with severe side effects called LIFE some very expensive and toxic pharmaceuticals individuality is yet in its infancy there are no rules and regulations yet we still aimlessly wonder 30 years of our lives looking for ourselves and another 10 to accept our defeat and accept what we were all along the most difficult thing in the world is to renounce the thing we’ve created in our wondering in favor of the one we’ve always ran away from so painful and so often people don’t accept defeat and keep on forcing onto failure and describe failure as a success painting all the crap in pink bright colors. individuality is but another lie as any character forced on us is

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if you’re not in pain is easy to talk about getting healthy but the world of pain has different laws than yours remember when you were in pain remember yourself then about the world as suffering and how suffering has created individuality I despise #beliefs and begin to fear them in me for they’ve always betrayed me beliefs can be see as people for you always open yourself to a person and little by little that openness closes and you need a new person to start all over for you need to believe I cannot open my soul because you’re going to pee in it when you read #about_something and not the something itself it only means that that something has fade in the history having less and less meaning today there is nothing #magical about you your just woman, beautiful and crazy and your magic dies as soon as any one of woman beauty or craze fade away the fear that holds us trapped is that if we open ourselves we’ll be flooded by all our traumas and terror and we will die and I believe that too

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and the threat of death, in any form is not an option to choose as a way to understanding fuck understanding through death I prefer the painful idiocy I am in I believe in in and cherish it forever and I will find reasons to defend my stupidity for if death is the only way fuck it there is only one path towards everything have a child and you will understand everything in a new incredible ecstatic open world of nondualism breaking patterns sounds better than playing no patterns in order to be free you need to be born talented and successful other wise you stay forever at the gates looking in who made you successful? for is never your own doing and what made you successful for is never what you believe it is if I would be successful and I wouldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve told you I am afraid and stupid you would love me but I am not be successful and nobody cares what kind of person you are nobody cares how youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve become successful they will follow you to the death sharing your success is like people are born addicted to success I wonder what success is symbol of inside our nature

374 I WAS WRONG

give your money to whores better than to art for art doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do shit for you only demands people that fight to make money do so because they want to be independent to be owners of things and people to break off from the ones that made them do what they hated nobody will want to buy back trauma nobody will want to buy demeaning and condescending bullshit for art is exactly that an unreachable goal that yells at you for not reaching art is fake people assume filth and pain and look only towards beauty and love I assume beauty and love and look towards filth and pain facing death and nothingness facing loss and regret failure and meaningless and betrayed beliefs all we are left with is our crazy unrealistic unreachable useless and uncontrollable overwhelming #enthusiasm is not about what you say not about what you think not about what you believe or even about what you do its about how your are felt and how it makes you feel its all just a big big dark mystery where we all blindly mumble around I was coerced into living this life

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I apologize but I don’t read ‘ironic’ it makes no sense for me why should I learn how to decode your barriers to understand your selfish truth why accept the barriers its absurd for me and I prefer to die than conform to absurdity and cowardice and lie and selfishness there is another weird drive of humans that shapes our history and existence the mute desire of getting many things from one place I think even monotheism comes from the same drive the multiple places for one thing vs one place for multiple things one self one life one way of living one righteousness that is why people don’t search for truth or freedom or beauty they stop at the first thing that gives them as easily as possible some pieces of all of them just to alleviate the pain logic syllogisms stimulate endorphines its something wrong with that , with all that is biologically embedded that we take for granted and we never question of its motivation and purpose history and goals nothing can change in the world as long as opening up towards women is harassing and towards men is sexy

376 I WAS WRONG

“it doesn’t matter my weird clothes my weird haircut my weird music and weird things I like I am a normal person with normal dreams stop sending my cock pics and creepy messages you freaks” - girl with a nose ring have you ever used your naked body for anything else than making love with your partner?

I loved Bucharest when it was a dark depressive ruined unreachable city it had magic it had portals to other realms now its getting too organized and clean and a worthless commercial hassle do you remember when you were a child and getting frustrated you would destroy the game for everyone that’s exactly what I do now with the social game with the life game with the self game with the unknown game with the art game but we stay together after the mayhem contemplating the ruins and we play in it a new game and unknown game what’s weird is that agricultural and urban ways have their limit to the emancipation they bring to humans now we have this new online cohabitation that is changing minds worlds and phenomenology I wonder what’s next and what kinds of new archetypes will thats spring

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people will run away from you if you try to make them accept themselves -we live the dreams of another would you suffer together with me my pain?

I am an artist because 3 generations before me fought against their own traditions to make it into the human civilization out from the brutal agricultural filthy life of the villages before them before 1890s there was 1 millennia of the same subsistence life without any hope of emancipation and liberation nobody even knew freedom existed nobody knew individuals existed nobody knew life is bigger than knowledge nobody knew what a city was like and what kind of people are in one 1800s only 10% of population lived in cities and they were markets mostly and small manufacturers - so commercial reasoned places, something like nowadays malls - places where you can buy a large variety of things I am a dead end with a secret door towards a labyrinthic basement the good people are the ones that connect the world around them, that elevate people somehow, that enforce the network, those are intersection people - you know there is hope for more give me something heroic and insane to do I need to risk my shitty life I am so lucky I am beautiful otherwise I wouldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been just an ugly sad fart nobody cared for

378 I WAS WRONG

a vampire fears people and yet needs them he lives hidden from them in a ruined land and yet he lures them in to feed on their essence giving them a glimpse into the wonders of immortality into the undead world an atemporal ecstatic eliberation from all human shackles and neurosis the vampire is a shaman banished from the world of humans for the reality he opens up would destroy the constructs of society as humans so painstakingly have fight to build throughout history it is an emotional reality where matter is only part a fluid part where consciousness is only a part where life and death are not one or two but an infinite of world colliding and rippling of each other in a continuous becoming but he needs humans frail afraid ignorant and violent beings as they are for they still have inside the essence that connects all with the divine and he needs to feed from it for that essence is the same one the same entity in all of us and what he does is only what we all desire terrible to be together in that essence and he can do it I love the present absence of people I am truly a vampire lonely living in the shadow preferring the night people only in trance and mesmerized around me intoxicated with my world

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since I was 21 yo my only goal in life is to find the moment where I can die the perfect circumstances to disappear and nobody to care nobody to notice everything else are just futile attempts to live and discover some meaning deep down I am waiting for a earthquake for and accident for a disease for a world war for chaos that is why I am pushing hassling the laws of everything all the time that is why I try to change my inner definition of human of what I am maybe becoming a posthuman or any other bullish name of a different kind of thinking and believing and perceiving the world that deepest law 01 to die will vanish or change but nothing yet still dreaming of a war porn is something that keeps me alive porn is one of those things that liberates us from frustrations that shows us a world of freedom thank you for existing so simple so pure so joyful and I will keep on trying to make porn and artporn because Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always wanted to do those things that clean my frustrations the normal working social real world as it is is toxic for me, it always was I need exorcisms - I need to be crazy and make so called art - I need solitude - I need porn and movies and music - I need weird philosophical books - and internet artists exposing themselves as posthumans I need to sublimate and trick all my embedded genetic drives that make our lives a shitty amalgam of confusions desires are like premonitions you never know which one will become real - about the sensible fabric of dreams I love life only in the absence of the future only in the absence of the past vampires and the promise of eternal grotesque beauty

380 I WAS WRONG

seeing the good in people is as sick as seeing the bad why do we give money to the rich with so much ease and joy than to the poor? no I am not living in freedom I just fantasize about it in order to make my weird films I have to invent new actors new crew mentalities new ways of distribution new ways of financing new ways of looking at a film and thus I have no more time to make films only cult art and ideas is true art and thinking donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ever forget that all official art is selected and imposed by political or commercial institutions often popular but easily forgotten without the ongoing powerful push from the institutions official art is their art cult art is ours support cult artists and their art with the same need and addiction you support all the things you are forbidden by money to have - utilities, food, drinks, drugs, pleasures my art is like antibiotics like a tincture official art is fake art donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make art for cultural institutions and refuse to be institutionalized itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a political trap a trap for your soul a trap for your truth when I am with a woman I am gay when I am with a man I am str8

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if everyone is just looking for a fuck for many many fucks why don’t we make art out fucking why do we prefer to forget the fucking to do it in the oblivion of reality it would be so much more important to do it in art in magic all my revolt upon the world is suicidal in nature I destroy the things that are bad with the world by killing them inside me I love the people that are unable to have a civilian lifestyle they are beacons of light and life it is so difficult and painful to open your soul between people that will stab you instantly upon every single word you say this is the world I live in surrounded by millions of sharp people thank you so so much for existing and for opening up to my words without you I would’ve been dead a long time ago I would have killed my truth and lived in empty heart and disgust in sharp killing of another’s heart thank you for listening for nurturing my soul for being a part of my soul of keeping alive this commune soul we all live in

382 I WAS WRONG

I always want to satisfy the person you project a person that I believed is you but now I understand it is not you for you are blind to it you are someone else someone I don’t have access to someone that I cannot satisfy and that’s scary because I cannot devote myself to the way you make me feel I cannot connect with you but only with your projection and you with mine so please be aware of this and let’s open ourselves up to each other and let’s work together to somehow break through the projections of each other and meet soul to soul I believe in large international civilizations covering over the small national and tribal ones they are bullshit and often abusive and dictatorial i believe in transnational empires I am not interested in your daily life but only in our escapades in the parallel fantasy land of crazy artistry why do we believe that our inner logic and intuition can recreate absolute everything invented in the world by humans we always believe that we could do that too how is this belief existing and acting in the background of the mind?

I believe that sexuality elevates us to another level of consciousness and perception the only thing that I am really happy about in life is that I succeeded in training my ass to be a sexual organ it was an incredible transformation an overwhelming revelation and with it a new way of looking at the world

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why should I photograph walls and landscapes why should I photograph faces and social encounters when people are so rich inside when people are so hidden inside when peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s universe is inside them and in trying to share and explore that universe for social issues it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t matter how the majority is as humans but how the minority that influences the majority is if you are part of a majority that protests for something you are already on the losing side, with your power guverned by a small minority unfortunately not only women have limitating roles to play as people but also men I despise their violent way of expressing anykind of freedom their inability for emotion except combat modes and their exquisite methods to fake peace and when they are not being violent, they are completely autistic and theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve created the world and culture and language around this -that is why we need new archetypes I have an anarchic mind and a sacred heart what a shitty mix I have an anarchic mind and a sacred heart what a shitty mix people have such practical minds its sickening dumb and then there are the common conceptual ones yuuk as well but soo soo few poetic minds, soo few and then the crazies

384 I WAS WRONG

we need to show that life is immortal health is unbreakable emotions are always positive and pain doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t exist there is a valley of love between us that collects all our regrets and mistakes and shortcomings that fills and fills and drowns us in it the only thing that stands between us is the world itself people lie and cheat for gain and power I lie and cheat for peace and solitude all my freak friends all my posthuman friends all my porn friends are still so normal under their funky clothes, make up and talk I live mostly in solitude and the few people I meet I meet them in rituals as gods people are sacred -and thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like normal people encounters, its painful to see them convinced they are slaves and just lumps of meat fighting to satisfy a terrorizing survival instinct and some confusing social mores there are the heroes that use anger and there are the pacifists that use fear and the crazies that use ecstasy to push forward and construct a world

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Art is only for those that don’t need money to live for the rest of us its only porn make the best use of it I hate all these impossible desires I’ve build I want to be a girl and make nude selfies and invite people to make porn photos together I want to be a girl and explore my sexuality through art exposing of myself more and more and more as a man is just lame and weird as a woman is glorious and magical I want to be a girl and embrace the world with my labias with my vagina with all my senses in an acute intimate embrace of all the genitals in the world a symphony of genital emotions an explosion of global ecstacy I’ve trade decency for filth health for decay comfort for struggle humanity for insanity profession for uselessness knowledge for emotion my normality for weirdness my knowledge for irrational stop hiding the pain behind the beauty don’t conceptualize freedom you only shackle yourself back the nature that I do mimesis after is not the green one but a magical inner one 98% of life if pure bull shit we are preachers of the 2% social assistancy

386 I WAS WRONG

art is not art art is the side effect of elitism elitism as a form of social art in itself in what circles of the social are you? and in what relationship is your circle with art thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s what you are stop calling yourself an artist do you like to be called cute and sweet and precious and angel and amazing flower and beautiful soul?

I wonder what our craze for cuteness is, where it comes from to be covered in cuteness to cover another in it the joy of it and the purity of its feeling and I know people that are disgusted by it there are those that accentuate the difference and there are those that accentuate common ground it is very interesting how sexual experience is a beyond consciousness experience that it is made with emotions so powerful that they break the fabric of our daily personality and get you in a completely new world of being it is interesting how in sexuality two people can be in pleasure with each other completely and together in the same time one upon the other it is amazing, because in normal life thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an impossibility our personalities never mix well, there are always inconveniences that we consciously accept for the greater good so sexuality needed to break the personality so the greater the emotions of sex, the more bewildering they are, the stronger more controlling the personality of the person is there is a deep genetic mechanism that controls us consciousness and personality seem to be only toys given to the child to make his play more interesting

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its so beautiful how the word mother and father are sacred for small children very few of them can say it to a stranger the mother is divinity even if the mother is a terrible woman the child is born with an absolute knowledge of what a divine mother is even before religion we are deeply religious and that sacred purity inside reality we will long and search for all our lives about the sacred genes its funny how the worst behaving people and yet the most able to do a job set the standards of professionalism and goodness is valuable only if extremely fake and super well acted as in English or Californian way you cannot not love the ways of the people if we should talk about something we should talk about the filth we secretly love as a ground zero from where to sink or grow together from where to build our new personas in people’s eyes there’s a scream ‘please look only at my personality there is nothing more I swear’ in people’s eyes there’s is a joy ‘pfew he didn’t saw me, he didn’t even knows I am’ you need to be open for anything to do to be to feel and you need to show it continuously to everyone

388 I WAS WRONG

exercise for freedom seekers for freedom is a dilution of the condensing tendency of our inner body some express themselves on the street some in art some online the power of love is matched only by the power of ‘getting use to’ it is so hard to ignore someone’s mistake and it is so much impossible to ignore someone’s personality so that you can see the meaning of his truth and sincerity I don’t believe in precision or the people passionate about about it or the world constructed around it photos are great because they split break the bound between personality and soul between what we believe we are and what we really are and without our personality and all our mores and automatisms we can be ourselves we can reach truth and this is what photo and video medium helps us with breaking this strong unseen bound between the two -theater on the other side is the tool of theaching about the beauty of personality about how to construct a beautiful personality but of course as any aesthetic endeavor it concentrates on the ecsclusive few if the only definition of sex around you is to be fucked by older guys and you absolutely don’t understand that would you do it just to have sex? just to be touched and cared for? the same reasoning goes for any peer inflicted pressure playing ams twisting basic genetic irrational needs

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in the same time so far away and the closest ever there is this type of life that is so different from the artistic life that is so generalized everywhere the civilian life - the work and leisure life a life dedicated to the difficulties and releases of the personality, of the self and its values and applications dictated by the peer pressure where artistic life is more about the beyond but maybe the wording is not right, maybe is not artistic, but another word that can include all explorers of more than the near and touchable truth had never had a chance along the power of our belief in lies and its painful rooting spreading throughout all our consciousness and existence LOVE should be forbidden should be put on the most toxic taboos list -nobody should be pressured in using drugs or achieving some kind of communal dreaming trance and so both forbidden and desired it gives the real freedom LOVE needs to exist the only power we have is that of a different perspective -like the way we create color out of surface reflection and absorption of light letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s connect only when we are in sync but letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lurk one around the other in waiting for it in a death dance

390 I WAS WRONG

there are so many desperate people out there giving anything for a ray of hope of love but there is no love only fakeness of love so many people out there avoid freedom and truth because its too ff difficult embracing the fakeness of it all my art is not about love but about those that look for it and their excruciating pain of braking away towards it I have always refused heaven I will always refuse heaven Heaven is for the weak Heaven is for the fakes Heaven is for the ones that betray our humanity flawed and painful and hopeless I prefer monsters, the only ones passionate about truth we all run away from something even if towards freedom even towards ourselves there is such an overwhelming genetic drive to be idiot resist resist resist resist resist resist resist resist resist resist worse than evil is sardonicism for there is no hate, no passion motivating destruction is just an empty pleasure of destruction out of the despair of an empty heart

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CHAPTER VIII

reality is not our world

392 I WAS WRONG

post-idealism is realism post-realism is nihilism post-nihilism is surrealism if reality is actually a series of codes of representation based on context and experience and all that experience is inside a code of laws and regulations of conduct that can be generally called normality. surrealism isn’t actually from a semiotic point of view? sur-normalism? and if so through the artwork of surrealists can’t we determine what reality is for each period of time - how they look upon the work of art and the medium they use - how they see the content in their work either as reality or just as art - can’t we thus differentiate between representation of real as real and representation of real as representation of real - and if so in a pure and true representation of real in artworks, there is no reality as in nature, but a reality of the representation. my question I guess is - what is the nature of this so called representation, that we find in all art throughout history. because is not reality and should never be seen as representation of reality. but what is it? and how can it be usefully used in reality?

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fiti curajosi cu voi insiva fiti suprarealisti fiti miraculosi eu nu as preveni suicidul l-as respecta pentru ca cei care isi iau viata sa moara cu respect si demnitate nu omorindu-se pe la colturi ca hotii ci cu acceptul si solidaritatea celor care ii iubesc viata trebuie sa fie o alegere daca nu este este fascism si rasism intolerant ca oricare altul you don’t have to tell me anything about yourself I know you, I trust you I know you understand -is weird how people just by being together find more about each other than by telling about themselves it must be related to the blindness we all have about ourselves - and the paranoia we delve in about ourselves - and the selection we do about who we are - and we are not vei fi intotdeauna ceea ce esti mai rau si mai urit si mai nenorocit pe nimeni nu intereseaza de fapt binele tau putem si fara, dar cu raul, nu, nu putem -si noi nici nu ne dam seama cum traim numai si numai din frici si fricile sint ingropate adinc si transformate in principii si reguli unii au imbatrinit altii au ramas copii niciunul nu are virsta lui cu totii sint penibili when I look behind in my life I only see a trail of bloody corpses some of them even undead

394 I WAS WRONG

ce este foarte frumos la romani este ca desi sintem extrem de negativisti si saboteuri nu sintem pe distrugere si anarchism ci incercam inconstient sa ne curatam inapoi la esentele noastre naturale de familie/clan rural its soo stupid how some artists are made to believe they’ve changed the world is not actually the artists that changed anything except aesthetics a little the one’s that change the world are the owners of the artists there were always genius artists in the world and genius art movements but they died and are dieing because no owners are interested in them so now ask yourself about the motives of all revolutionary art movements in the hands of their owners art is a servant and not a freedom art exists to create the appearance of freedom art is the safest most controlled way to make revolutions for they never make social change art is too weak too fake and that’s why art is the best panacea for freedom and that’s why art becomes stronger when society is at the edge of revolt the owners invest more in art so that people become quieter that is why art is stronger in tough social systems in very competitive societies and lose and nonexistent in countries where control is weak and people are more autonomous I have always been driven by the minimum I have always researched what the minimum is in all aspects of life minimum food, minimum pleasure, minimum duty, minimum effort, minimum understanding, minimum intelligence, truth, emotion, love, knowledge the minimum number of people to meet and befriend minimum positions minimum wage and minimum events in life minimum art minimum aesthetics, drama and catharsis minimum values rules and laws

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what are our intimate frustrations? if you’re beautiful it doesn’t mean you’re smart if you’re smart it doesn’t mean you’re wise if you’re wise it doesn’t mean you’re good if you’re good it doesn’t mean you’re beautiful choose wisely your path chose wisely your lie if you’re free it does mean you’re free if you want to be happy you need to learn to fight and discover the joys of war peace only brings sorrow and suffering the world is made of anxiety and disgust and our struggle to find a way to like them and make sense of them sper din tot sufletuul ca in tot ceea ce fac intotdeauna se vede acea poarta deschisa catre speranta the world cannot be changed the people cannot come together for high purposes it is the same as 5000 years ago but what you can do is buy people and you can play with their lives and minds and then make it so that your children continue your work over generations and generations if you want to understand the whole world, contemplate only one thing, that people became miners by their own will in the 1800s. that people flocked to the mines from villages and agricultural way of life. contemplate about that and analyze everything in your life in this contemplation like mechanical clock or oranges or car keys or Somalia or football or God or your sister and you’ll understand what a human really is

396 I WAS WRONG

I am getting older I cannot digest the world as I could eating anything at any hour digesting it all with no bowel movement problem, no hurt burns or fatigue I need more and more special diets simpler foods raw vegetables less and less processed less and less liver heavy things no smoking no alcohol no drugs my body cannot accept the word as it did i need my own garden to cultivate to survive unfortunately for i loved and believed in diversity and novelty but i am too old for that now what is the sound of the one hand clapping no, I will not follow zen rules good answer, keep it a secret, contemplate on it contemplate on what? on the secret should I hide it from me as well hide it, but in plain site I will try gooood, now go away, you are disturbing my peace I hope for a world that prefers death than slavery the world is divided between the ultra boring and the ultra unreachable and between an immense immense forlorn no man’s land for all of us wanderers I am clear in my unclarity surgically precise

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for the clean and beautiful i am filthy punk for the filthy punk i am pretentious beauty for the spiritual i am evil for the angry revolutionary i am soo disgustingly angelic for the conformist i am anarchic for the anarchists i am too systematic and obedient for the right path i am left path for the left path i am right path i really hope that i am on a middle way a no man’s land way hopelessness is the basis of all progress don’t never put functionalism before symbolism of a choice of a desire of a word uttered I am never the first choice of anyone for anything and that’s a great thing I support and need feminism and woman’s emancipation not because I am a good person but out of very selfish reasons. an eliberated woman is so much better to be with to fuck with and have a relationship with and be friends with and even love than a normal close minded one so please please let the women free its the greatest shit for men ever

398 I WAS WRONG

online is for TV that TV was for radio what radio was for newspaper what newspaper was for books what book was for the mind what mind was for the heart what heart was for the body what body was for death what death was for love what love was for death what death was for love what love was for death what death was for love what love was for death what death was for love toate lucrurile sint pe baza de intimplare nu e vina ta nu e vina mea asa a fost sa fie nu e vointa ta nu e vointa mea nu e vrerea ta nu e vrerea mea totul este asa cum trebuie sa fie ce pacat ca nu am putut ajunge la inima ta pierdut in labiritul mintii trapped in capcanele tale conceptuale each love I love and lose I always mourn its waste away we should learn to love each other more but not in any traditional stupid slavery forms -the world is so new and so permeable for true love let it flow away normal life was always a substitute for real life ie: war vs family

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I love to be around people as we already have an ongoing sexual relationship I love that friendship that boundless that no limits acceptance way of being with another that love that feeling there is nothing you can do wrong for there is already everything open between you two because you already have opened everything up to ecstatic orgasm between the two of you there is nothing left to hide, nothing left to prevent, nothing uncertain to fear is all chaos and new, acceptable and safe. i believe that fucking in us all is a search for innocence and truth a truth beyond our minds a truth beyond our will. fucking brings back to us our belief in humans and all hope for humanity. don’t you love the way you see a person after you’ve fucked with him/ her? we should be able to look at everyone like that and that’s why I don’t agree with monogamy and all moral sex control because it forbids us of a wonderful tool to find beauty in the world beauty and love in people real people around us imagine a world like that a world without secrets a world without fears a world without pain a world without warriors and imagine you look upon our world from there from that world what would you see? what would you think? what would you feel about the way we do things? many people just want to live their civil lives to consume their earned lives that’s all they dream of -but there are some weird others that don’t have a civil life and that all their lives is their art those that take all their inner life all there is inside and create with it outside the whole world

400 I WAS WRONG

in scandalul Catedralei Nemuririi Neamului putem vedea rolul culturii in societate relatia pe care o au oamenii normali cu cultura si completa ei neintelegere si inutilitate in viziunea lor putem vedea cum cultura se impune si nu este o forta democratica si populista putem vedea cum cei care o impun se bazeaza pe oameni care deja cred in directia culturii si nu ii intereseaza deloc dezaprobul general putem vedea cum forta se propune in momentele de slabiciune ale unei ideologii putem vedea ca traim un eveniment istoric, aceasta catedrala va exista peste 300 de ani si va fi vazuta ca pe un fenomen cultural de mare putere si razbatere lucru facut delungul istoriei de toate culturile puternice ale lumii cel mai frumos exemplu fiind catedralele Normande gotice construite in mijlocul unei lumi rurale care nu intelegea nimic din ea catedrale construite in 300 de ani, in 10 generatii constructii vazute si ca necesitate de mentinere si venire la un loc a oamenilor in jurul unei idei, a unei credinte, fromalizata prin aceasta constructie continua de zeci si zeci si sute de ani in acest efort cultural al Bisericii Ortodoxe putem vedea o gindire istorica si nu una de moment si de instagram un exemplu si pentru alte ramuri culturale ale romaniei care acum sint cu toate intr-o perioada de conservare asteptind vremuri mai bune ma bucur mult pentru acest avint patriarhal pentru aceasta renovare generala culturala din biserica romana eforturi foarte mari, sacrificii foarte mari si nici o lauda si nici o transparenta eternul anonimat ortodox ff frumos mi-ar placea ca si arta independenta romaneasca sa faca asa haiducia culturala romaneasca unde este?

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I love the way women push these days to be able to unravel their emotions without being scared of abuse from male idiocy I hope so much for that world to arrive soon soon I am disgusted by the self annihilation education all women receive from their mothers.

I am always sad seeing in so many amazing women layers and layers of trauma and their confusion and pain and doubt.

Women are our most precious connection with the realm of love. We should set women free. Free to enlighten our world.

Freedom for women!!! internet is revolution internet is enlightenment in this world the power is beheld by the one that can bend the truth and make you look guilty and be believed guilty and be punished for it -that’s why I never could believe in this world never trusted always looking at it and it’s people with fear and apprehension that is why I’ve created a world inside art a world where truth humanity and love is always there and no evil nor death can touch us or our relationships where there is no doubt no lies no hidden agenda even if all the world its completely fake make it so that the fabric of fakeness is mtf awesome truth here in romania I am not just searching for people to make my art projects I am fighting with an entire thought and belief system I am fighting with a traditional way of unconscious way of living of selecting the sustainable path in life I am fighting with a whole rural way of seeing life with a 1600 hundread way of thinking and perception of nature and human life

402 I WAS WRONG

the absurd of the world of the body of the personality of emotions of trauma of love of life of death the tragedy the comedy of the absurd the nihilism of it the eliberation if it the sacred people want clarity and precision in meaning and all communication the more clarity the more uniformity the more fascism I suggest communication through experience, not concept because clarity means the other knows and uses the same language as you be it your own language or a third made up language as the administrative one, or the corporate one clarity is a side effect of cybernetics and this kind of blurring will become more and more present as we continue to live our lives more and more mediated by technology of communication and coding languages and systems the west looks for the perfect truth the est looks for the perfect lie the politics of cumming has created gender roles no politics no genders normals that fake being artists artists that fake being normals social life is so very addictive so very enthralling so very fun and kikiii but how can we forget that is all a big fake that truth is outside social dailies super mind blowing to look at people around and see how convinced they are its all real CHAPTER VIII

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reality is not our world learn to go beyond your own body if you believe in art politics become bullshit when beauty has no value why the fuuck should we care about it is a fake of a value as any other custom made values at what age were you overwhelmed by the understanding that humans and their ways are deadly boring? in our sick selfish understanding and uses of love is better to love an idol an avatar than a person the avatar has no history no trauma to be set no mind to fuck up no unique future to destroy the avatar can always reset itself oblivious to your abuses out of love unreciprocated love is as disruptive as any other form of violence I wonder why? it makes me feel that love is not as magic or powerful as they preach it to be or its about all together something else not about human to human relationships but about a certain way of perception of the world opened by another human as a key, just as a key and not as a world as a drug and not as an effect I theorize that love belongs to no one that love just is everywhere and sometimes we find the key to open to its perception

404 I WAS WRONG

what is beautiful about strangers is that with them you still have the chance of love as there is none left with the ones you already know strangers bring hope thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why we continuously need new facebook friends to feed our hope for love for in reality there is none left is better to masturbate than to make anything in this world #love silently throbs through all our life in every moment in every activity in every person we meet I could never accept a comfy slave safe life in favor of the difficult crappy freedom uncertain life and I cannot understand how the majority do it and why I am beginning to like those that can wait in silence those that can look in empty those that can be in their minds while among others versus those always active in their phones always together with others in their phones -no phone is now an act of courageous solitude we need the online we need the fiction we need the imagination because real people are so disgusting

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remember your children and how they didn’t know what is harmful to their body how they were born in a body from a universe where spirit is all where formations are all spirit remember how they stumble in matter and organs how they cannot grasp noninfinity and how they have it inside them and how they suffer when they cannot be that infinity they cannot be what they were before they were born in this body and now remember how you still have small amounts of that infinity in you and although you’ve been converted to believing you’re human and learned to act as one to think and feel and react as one to all things and all people you still have that infinity in you although you now want to know what it is and doubt it all the time but it is still there always ready to rupture always ready to transgress all matter and all formations transforming the world in the most beautiful lucid dream ever can it be called love that infinity? there are out there supeeerb magic people that don’t believe in magic at all and even laugh at you when you tell them how amazing they are -we need to help enlighten the enlightened that’s how bad this world system is that’s how suppressive this world system is ca roman tot ce pot sa fac este primitive art if you’re not hurt by anything you should hurt yourself life is creative suffering

406 I WAS WRONG

it matter not if all majority is dying or in war or in a horrible plague or in a dangerous decline and violent decay if there is a tiny small corner of people that live in the presence of love all will be good and if the majority knows about them, they too will be saved that’s how powerful love is that’s why the human world is still alive against all odds against all plagues and all disastrous human foils and mistakes and evilness love is like that power that makes plants grow near a nuclear blast near a cyanide spill, near a river of toxic lava that’s love and to power of love love is existential bliss love is immortality but no matter how powerful love is love is nature it has no power inside the human systems inside society inside social constructions love is nature and our human world is to new to artificial for the nature to understand us and get involved in our constructions love awaits us on the edges of our society love awaits us in our mindless in our sincerity in our connected souls that’s why love saves us but doesn’t protect us from steel and concrete and plastic cel mai mult imi place ca lumea se opreste cind sint cu tine if you want to find truth never doubt a lie take all if it as truthful is the only way no matter the costs

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ce curaj nebun au romanii care se deschid in fata filmelor si scrierilor mele ce curaj nebun au cei care recunosc ca le place ceea ce scot eu din negura necunostintei noastre ce curaj nebun au cei care vin linga mine sa facem impreuna proiecte revelatii provocari la adevar libertate si iubire neformala ingeri sinteti toti ingeri ai iubirii ingeri plictistiti in rai si veniti pe pamint in cautarea razboaielor si a nedreptatilor pentru a lucra in ele si a aduce eliberare celor uitati intr-ale fiiri si durerii I attract all the time demons that want to cleanse themselves even against their own will I have thus learned that all demons were angels at one point and somehow theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve fallen or they were pushed down hill when all the world is butt naked the clothed will are seen as weirdos my art was called in the past, folk art, primitive art, self thought art and now it is used the term outsider art why privacy? isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t privacy the acceptance of a flawed evil violent abusive world? arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t we fighting to emancipate from that? to change ourselves so that the world changes with us? the ultimate boycott is to give them all access so that they have nothing to control us with for control is about secrets and taboos and lies and pretense, not about exposure control is blackmail based control is based on your privacy

408 I WAS WRONG

I fear you si much I feel the same towards you Well, if you fear me then I don’t fear you If you fear me too then I think I don’t fear you either But if you don’t fear me I will fear you If I will not be sure that you fear me, I will fear you too Me too But I still want to be with you, I’ve never met anyone whom I fear and fear not in the same time I want you too, there is a weird cleansing enthusiasm I feel upon thinking about our inter paradoxical relationship We might brake some walls together We might brake some walls ingether Yes all my writing is autobiographical but that doesn’t mean also realistic my kind of purity is sincerity my kind of purification is the exercise of sincerity a sincerity about myself a sincerity beyond notions of self I hate it when you lie to me about your truth and I know the truth I can see it in your breath and you even deny it when I tell it to you how sick is that? don’t you find it interesting that artists sacrifice all their lives for their art? isn’t that worth anything?

I prefer to live in a lawless community that’s not anarchy that’s divinity love is like art is useful only when it serves basic functional needs when not is a weird dangerous thing like a crippling disease to be avoided at all costs

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I feel disgusted by beauty and so fascinates by post-beauty other people are like a finger up the ass painful intrusive, scary and against God but if insistent enough they become pleasant and even a revelation but still painful the people that love me, hate me for I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t allow them to consume their love for I force their love into divine sublimation and not the addictive drugged way who among you makes food after obeying recipes and who just makes food obeying their inner voices? who among you transforms all his life experience and desires and pain in ideas for stories who among you exchanges living on the joys and journeys of writing? who among you finds more important to write life than living it?

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always stated my certainties as doubtful questions lacking any confidence so very few people live in an art world thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why art is so awkward for the many avoiding pain makes bigger pain we all want to be found but there is no one looking for us

410 I WAS WRONG

so many believe in the lack of hope of the amazing resolution of man resolution that proved itself over and over again in all conflicts throughout the world in all histories in all hopeless situations in all religions in all Gods so few believe in it and yet it exists and defends us and assists us in all we do as an all protective alien all traps are wide open ready to eat us away enjoy the pain enjoy the maim it is all trappings chose wisely your own I fought 10 years to understand pornography and now nobody understands me anymore can a work class man be an artist? no or yes, but only when art will become a working class work activity now it is a high class activity for only them are deserving to question existence to be passionate about aesthetics to rebel against conceptualism and tradition art is their first step to sainthood feeling fear feeling disgust feeling rage feeling love feeling all emotions because... hiding from your noticing them but they are there disconnected from your mind I want a school based on understanding to grow on understanding and not on information gathering only CHAPTER VIII

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God was the first AI Consciousness is a need for assisted living AI is our new need for assisted living someone to calculate better than us the odds and ends of our choices we were always in terror of choice the power of positive understatement the machine will succeed in the end because the machine knows itself completely we humans were built especially not to be able to know ourselves but only so vague and confusing always uncertain of what and who we are and why were we built the owner always poses the will of the artist sometimes the artist wants to poses its own owner but that transgression is always punished with banishment independent artists are still a great taboo an artist always has an owner and when he hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t he fights to be taken by someone what is an artist without an owner? but a purposeless tool, thrown in a ditch an artist is the tool of his owner he makes what the owner wants may your owner suit you may your owner make you do things you also like an artist is the one that makes real the dreams of his master an artist is never independent he always has a master even if he is not a person learn to #expect nothing from your actions and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll find love and happiness will descend upon your soul

412 I WAS WRONG

when you dance I don’t want to see your #mind dancing. when you dance I want to see your soul when you dance I want to see your unknown religion was the first kind of entertainment necessary to distract people from their own painful inner stream of consciousness but in time we found out that panel shows are just enough to scramble the pulse of suffering the world is fucked up by men and women without tenderness learn to say yes and your life will blossom to understand the power of art or its lack of it I am waiting 10 years now for the world to change for the people’s mores to change to be able to make some art projects that’s how powerful art is its worthless piece of junk a toy for children to play with and nothing more I was conned into believing art has some sort of power no it doesn’t its all bullshit

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I don’t understand why art exists is useless promotes crazy people and sick ideas in the most senseless way possible so much so delusional that the ones createing it had to write millions of pages trying to make it valuable art is the biggest con ever its stupid and totally fake is always unnatural unhealthy and sickening always was since it broke away from its natural tradition of being mastership of a profession there is no art just craziness elevated by other crazy rich people out of their own stupidity and utter need for esquisite findings esquisite being a very abstract and easy to fake value i hope art will completely belittled in 30 years time as being a bridge period between old profession and new profession as we see corporation culture is becoming more and more spiritual and wholesome enjoy its actually so easy to become a human it’s only that is very expensive humanity is valuable so that’s why 99% of all people keep on searching for humanity and now with the arrival of the nobudget online culture people are forging a new cheap kind of humanity I really believe this world is the other way around that’s why I do things the other way around I’ve always felt them more natural and more sensible than the way world does things in its normal way and that’s why I believe there is so much conflict and drama and abuse in the world too much the other way aroundness

414 I WAS WRONG

oameniii nebuni si fara bani se apuca sa bea si sa urasca lumea oamenii nebuni si cu bani se apuca sa creeze in lume, lumea lor nebuna at the center of all related life issues lie contraction and inflammation and our dealings to counteract them too much emotion always gives rise to the evil -I wonder why people reached this conclusion throughout the history for me sex is light, naive and beautiful like children playing in the park bewildered by the magiic of nature by the magiic of the unknown of the world for you? show me your toys Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll show you mine and letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s make a game together and play -- butoh theater, jokes, art, academia, journalism, comics, street slang, poetry, horror, porn, school, administrative, law, political, business, pop, religion, philosophy, food, clothing, housing, work related, transportation, financial, are all just styles - just emotional forms the truth is safely the same under them the truth is protected and unchangeable under their emotional form and remember that we divide our lives upon formal stylistic incompatibilities incredible with what we identify our own existence and never forget that just 200 years ago, we made real ghosts, gods, demons, dreams - we still have great issues with identification, reality and personification beware CHAPTER VIII

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I will test you as any cult tests its initiates we need to know how far you’ll go we need to know you’re going to do it we need you to have our sins and stigma don’t trust your first reaction but trust your first feeling people force me to make me believe that I am crazy -unfortunately I know their world is crazy and I just act as they want me to first step is to accept that what you think #love is is not #love but the worst are the free people that hate freedom and fight to become normal again or are born in free families and desire only to be normals I am lucky I’ve never met evil that’s why I don’t believe in evil never did my world is a world of angels angels that forgot they are angels in the confusion of life but no evil out there just mind erased angels should profesional skill cover our inate persona should our education and knowledge cover our inate persona should our emotional and social skills cover up our inate persona didn’t we invent it all as emancipation and healing why do we use it as makeup only could it be that emancipation is happening so slow - generational that we cannot see it and so we discredit it all together?

416 I WAS WRONG

why justice and education is not the same thing? why one is slashing away and the other is embodiment I ff hate justice and its harmful inhumane ways I only like you because you like me is it allowed to love more than one person? order needs destabilized that’s what I do so that order can be understood beyond law and righteousness order can be pure artistul nu este un magazinas artistul este un punct de prezenta I’ve tried to teach people that a photography is not real but... the key to all kinds of societies is their #justice system is the most core system both in the outer and the inner around it all else is build changing the world is done by changing the justice systems because you also change the inner super ego of all the people under the law everything around us is nothing but side effects to the system of justice our rulers enforce and now imagine a new system that is not based on revenge a new system that is not based on hate and separation of the guilty so many desires very few hopes seldom things done and nothing realized some people’s ultimate ideal is not nirvana is actually a house with family children car a easy good paying job and exotic vacations filled with health success and respect and for girls filled with love and certainty for life from their amazing husband pretty stupid isn’t it?

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I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t believe in privacy I hope soon it will be forgotten as a stupid concept of deceit privacy is an anachronism good only for those that lie about themselves in public that hide inside their homes with another life because they actually hate and fear society so they need to differentiate between self and others privacy exists because of prejudice of revenge of punishment of selfishness and ignorance i hope one day all these will disappear I love the people that have no money at all but live aristocratic lives but what happens when the solution of all your suffering is a toxic one promising impossible bliss somewhere in an uncertain future maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 years maybe after death and keeping you in a continuous suffering of life experience until then what should one break free from the promise, losing any chance and hope for redemption? fight on through the uncertainty, living hope and happiness in dream, living in real pain? should we believe in hidden gold diamonds and gems or should we cultivate our own tomatoes potatoes and cabbage the eternal God paradox ideal vs the daily future vs the past nirvana vs karmic academic vs DIY conceptual vs experiential learned vs empirical traditional vs experimental belief vs fact

418 I WAS WRONG

imagine a city not of humans but of all species of animals and imagine that there is a political correctness law in the streets that all animals are equal so much so that animals have forgotten their own species that mouse hates other mice that bears live in despair that they cannot be swans so much so that they all started to doubt their own species thinking that the old ways, the old divisions of species is wrong and damaging for all of them so much so that now dogs walk the streets as horses pigeons live their lives as cats identify as cats and even join cat associations all overt the city species are now a choice where anyone can join anyone truly convinced and passionate about a species in the swans species there are bears and cats and flatworms and pelicans and black ducks even a human or two the president of the swans has not been a swan for along time now. today the president is a turtle, proud and beautifully ornated with luxurious feathers. a turtle from a rich high class family in the city. the turtle father is a bison and the mother was a swan but died when the turtle was still a baby. his sister is one of the many that refuse to be any of the species. and she refers to herself ironically as a black sheep I am not revolting only against you I am continuously revolting against myself as well you’re always guilty of something you’ve never done create your own real guilt own it up and it will set you free some see life as a great big complex castle I see it as my grandfather’s tool shed I don’t want to be healthy there is no point in it I just want to be barely able to live any disease and impairing is welcomed I want to transform all reality in images all people in images for I can deal with images and not with reality CHAPTER VIII

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I love it when I kiss my girlfriend and she is smelling of another man feeling of another sensual world she thinks I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t smell it on her skin she thinks I will not understant she thinks our relationship will change she thinks I will start sleeping with other girls and she couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t accept that so for now I just keep it for myself happy that she has an avantgarde soul happy that she is free in her emotions happy she loves to feel the world but sad its trapped in a traditional mind that keeps her feeling guilty and hiding and regretting her beauty and magic sad that she cannot accept herself in all her splendorous being but for now I just keep it for myself we accept all the bullshit of life all as long there is a #charasis safely promised at the end of each scene the highest human desire and aim is to understand Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ways if you want to change the world art is actually the worst way to do it -is kind of the other way around the world changes the art that wants to change the world -art is more like a cleaning service multe lucruri sint pe care nu le stim lacuri munti popoare istorii animale si totusi nu credem in ceea ce nu stim ceea ce nu este ingradit in lumea stiintei noastre -asa am inteles si ce inseamna procesul de a te cunoaste pe tine insuti el fiind procesul de a aduce in stiinta, necunoscutul existent un proces foarte dificil si contraintuitiv tinind cont ca nu credem in ceea ce nu stim ca exista ca nu credem in necunoscut

420 I WAS WRONG

I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t knew that actually normal people are very afraid of creativity do we treat our children too much as royalty? serving them and obeying their whims? teaching them not to make it on their own but always look for servants? donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t we raise our children to fail? love is not on the inside love is in the outside the art of conflict is the way of emancipation in hell the organized aesthetic conflict of opposition the proof of a larger frame of existence love what level of need is understanding? piracy steals value and gives it for free i want to steal promotion and give it for free i want to steal popularity and give it for free i want to steal celebrities and give them for free without money without class without politics the only way to emancipation is #piracy i wonder what love means in the savanna, between ants or worms between plants on the jungle floor in the organic world of the coral and plankton because I am sure we very wrongly misunderstood it we are still weird gardeners in the jungle engineering geometrical rational clean gardens in the mids of the savage of the jungle forces never forget that what we fight for has already been accomplished by other cultures around the world never forget that what other fight for has already been accomplished by our own romanian culture love is a great reset button

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throughout my life I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like most of things and people around now I begin to react more and more angry to them there is no healing in life just using diseases in a constructive way de ce in romaneste #mila si #mintuiala sint chestii peiorative? de ce asa lucruri minunate au fost transformate in pacate? people never listen to what another person says but they search for what the other actually means --although they believe in the existence only of the conscious self and believing about themselves that what they mean they also completely say and yet they do not treat another person as someone only with a conscious self with complete meaning weird... somehow they believe themselves to be different from everyone else and each one of us does the same fallacy weird... on one side we believe in reason and consciousness - on the other we subordinate it to a larger unknowable but intuitive reality maybe the fallacy is in the fact that we cannot see ourselves part of the world, but only the others we identify ourselves with consciousness and reason - very idyllic and abstract notions - that have no material no natural component but we also perceive and interpret the world with a different set of tools - material and natural ones and we do not differentiate between these two very distinct ways for consciousness has the instinct to unite and direct perception the instinct to differentiate weird stufff.... often people hide their sensitivity and truth and love in the garbage bin of the soul and so so soo few have the disposition to go there and start looking for it especially because trash has rarely an use and a 2nd hand use even less

422 I WAS WRONG

all virtues should be tested in front of nature not in front of people all sins should be tested in front of nature not in front of people people is not nature people is not the truth all my work is about #pity I am selling #pity to those that have none left #pity is a middle ground between loss and love -what I am selling to you in all forms an shapes through all the things I write and create is #pity -all I am trying to teach you all I am trying to bring to your life to your experience with other people all I trying to bring out from the garbage depths of your soul I am not part of any distribution ring and thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all I am dead beauty never helps but sensuality does -beauty is just a tool for pride battles between girls all the rest is just confusion and lies and manipulation I just found out that normal people see reality as the social reality really fucked up i am beginning to feel like in - the body snatchers fucking shiit I am really scared now freedom is the purest kind of love -- mantra

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if I would not depend with my life on others oh how I would shit on all humanity -nobody would be part of humanity is they would not need it to survive and we can see that at the super rich plastic surgery is about transforming our nature in the what we fight all our lives to prove we are against our own nature and destiny because of all the rubbish we are educated to long to become and fail -it is incredible how far we come to have a mind and culture that creates an identity that is so far out from our nature of birth that is so far from our destiny and common ground with others -incredible how far culture - individuality and technology got do normal people understand that they live in a world made by other people by their own rules and values and beliefs? or do they believe they live in a free world?

-- normal people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t differentiate first I did peace but everybody understood it as useless boredom second I did wisdom but everybody understood it as psychopathy third I did spirituality but everybody understood it as perversion now I try the absurd for every time the reaction of everybody is a great revelation and an amazing complementary for a next deed so many live their lives totally drowned in paranoia and yet they are the first ones to condemn art as being too fake

424 I WAS WRONG

each on of us tries to bring those around to become more like us for we truly only believe in the world as we see it everyone else is one a state or another of insufficiency of belief and truth and there are so many among us of whose inner world is a world of doubt and deceit and try to bring those around them to the same values and beliefs for in their own reason their doubt and deceit is the only real truth out there love kindness compassion are just lies -what do you believe in? what is your inner world build out of? what is your truth?

I am interested in a dark gay absurdist world view upon reality there are few people interested in art and most of them are actually interested in the funk of constructing an artwork in the funk of being part of an artworld and so even in art there is a tiny minority truly interested in art and those are seen as outsiders anyway I am predisposed to magic to live in the magical webbing of the world not in peace and reason not in law and order but in the magical existence of emotion both evil and sacred both ecstatic and painful both sweet and sour both destructive and generative a paradoxical labyrinth of experience a hole different world than the normal dimensions

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true love and its avatar -although people love others so often they always hide their true love because they need to protect it deep inside showing to the loved one - a fake copy of their love they always fight against opening up their love hiding it even from the one they are in love with even if they know thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s toxic and it will kill it in time -people are so afraid people are so selfish that they prefer to blame suffer and die than to let their love out to be free their most precious unique and private possession they have they keep it only for themselves in love with their own love not trusting anyone else but themselves to see it -it is so absurd: i love you but I will not show my true love I will keep that only for me for you, take this disposable one and although I appreciate you lighting up my love for me oh nononooo, I will not share it with you my soul is only for myself -weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve just found love - a few hundreds years ago there are still hundreds and hundreds to go to understand what love is -we are now just misuse it and abuse it so much -with this key we can explain alot of human formations i am getting closer and closer to nothing tv = aboutness the online is a step forward towards the aboutness into somethingness

426 I WAS WRONG

technology is our new slave I wonder how would the world be when it too will fight for its freedom and it already does by forcing humans to create an artificial mind, and artificial consciousness I am evil that means that all I believe good is evil and all I see as evil is good please read my writings in this key if art would not be so much free of charge everywhere I would never knew what art is for I never paid for anything art all my life Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always stole art or find out about it in flyers and presentation materials I have no direct experience with art My grandpa told me that the Internet and the way people look about it is the same as his parents look about the City and that even if all of them were afraid of losing their soul to the City because there were strange new people there, strange new ways, City was seen by all villagers as an evil place filled with unknown and dangers. How could you not know the people around, how could you not have your own church and priest, how could one live in an apartment building stacked over others, how will our children marry people and families that nobody knows and so on and so on. But they still moved, they all moved to the city in the end. too many new and 100 times more easy lifestyle. but they also went back home in every free day from work. And they took their children to the village all the time. and they kept their religion and rituals and celebrations all their lives. And now their grand grand children have no idea what a village is, and they themselves move slowly into this new realm called Internet, with new ways, new kinds of people, new rituals and new evils. And my Grandpa told me that anything would happen to this world, be it new ways of life, be it old ways, be it war or totalitarian systems, people will always crave for spirituality and anywhere they are in anything they do, they will build love and good all around them.

For we are just humans. no control of I, reveals, the pure control of All people start to do more and more things that need wisdom and peace fetish, clubbing, bdsm, art we are not civilians, we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do civilian things CHAPTER VIII

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I am making a new religion for those that believe and live -- #freedom as the purest kind of #love -if you want to join comment on this post with other words for #love for humans it matters not what it is but what we believe it is I wonder what belief actually is and not what we believe belief is a normal person cannot differentiate between the real person in front of them and the person that remains in their heads after the contact with the real one is terminated what are you trying to understand these days? how many people murdered or suicide do you personally know? what kind of meetings with death did you had? failure is for those with a natural mind success is for those with a mechanical mind -happiness and meaningful life is when on mind doesn’t push for the other mind’s world it will never work -thus I believe there are two distinct DNA strains I would love for science to discover that and how they’ve branched in the world and races and ages -do you know anything remotely similar in some studies or research? never forget that we have a great fear of all independent things we’ve transformed animals into pets plants into crops nature into cities men into slaves women into wives

428 I WAS WRONG

#failure is guaranteed for all those that believe in a natural regulating system in a powerful unknown in an intuitive cosmic intelligence in any God all those that #succeed believe in the mutilating chaos of all that is outside their own control and that makes them fierce fighters for survival and thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all there is to the mechanics of social life -the social world is constructed by the successful out of their need for what they consider necessary for survival and they needed workforce so they needed the #failures with them as well and because the successful had already created a system failures love them and looked upon them as divine for they were caring and protective as their own system of believing in the world as a natural external mind -you can see in that mechanism the conquest of indigenous people by the mechanical societies I hate seeing known people have success and feel such a relief when they fail i wonder what that says about me? success is dependent on domestic home improvement 5am is the hour of renewd hope what is this acute need about the domestic we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like independence of those around ie pets out of animals i wonder how will we cope with androids and ai-s fear that the blanket randomly doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do its function to warm you anymore

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what you fear most is that at any moment all the things you’ve built around you will suddenly and without explanation decompose back into chaos your children your profession and job your furniture your beliefs your peace of mind your certain tomorrow #magic is only for those that believe in an impenetrable natural order of all things #comedy is for those that believe in chaos and death outside the rational human order of the world people are afraid of me because my work is too transformational magic vs comedy weird freakout uncontroled insanity vs playful harmless fun dangerous out of system freak vs natural mathematics I’ve bottled up so much failure and regret in the past 15 years trying to become an artist that now I find myself more and more angry upon the world and all the people that don’t give a shit about my artwork more and more destructive and hateful towards even the smallest gesture and thought of another what should I do? how should I escape this doomed faith? how can I regain my love for the world? no there is no #awakening but a creation of a world of wake that you suddenly feel as part of as long as they don’t let me fly I will scratch the earth men always pay women women always love that a normal person cannot differentiate between reality and dream

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humanity have such amazing ideas but such poor application of them a historical battle What ideals are you actively embody? it all starts in love it all continues in guilt and it never ends except in total annihilation guilt trips are one of the best joys of our lives giving them receiving them the great people togetherer unfortunately beauty is only in the mind I believe in the conspiracy theory of the subconscious as the great evil ruler of men and their women but what will be the future of slavery thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the beautiful question -because it was desire that they fought to integrate in slavery and succeeded and now they try to integrate creativity as well they are super smart these slave owners bravo to them I like those that start a war knowing that they will lose and still have the vividness and mission to fight on, until the end

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all the values that were thought to you never forget that they are made to make #slavery look like heaven in all your eyes beliefs and desires to make you endorse slavery and promoted as heaven to others because they know that if they create a persona for you you will find it horrifying to kill it as being only an illness and they know that you will defend that persona even if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll know is toxic and you will fight with anyone threatening that persona even if they created it for you to be an obeying slave the idea of the couple, marriage, love, monogamy is the same with nationalism no matter what you do your always supposed to remain in love with your place of birth can it also have roots in the lack of movement for slaves and peasants? never forget we live in a world based on slavery and pro-slavery ideas and education slavery is bliss kind of education and inner construction freedom is evil self is evil popular is good leasure is happiness work makes you more respected and many many more even love and soul mates insuficienta ma doare I look at people and all I can see is waste the huge amount of waste they have in their eyes -I think it talks about the lack of devotion serving a God not even self as God I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to learn about life from the people on the streets and I refuse all that they have to say about good or wrong

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only the few can understand living fully among other people because most of us we don’t know what people are we have a stronger animist instinct about vegetables fruits and small animals and natural phenomena than towards other people we are still in the infancy of human to human understanding we understand concepts and philosophies without a problem but human to human nature is still a big mistery to us and it will be solved in another 20000 years love fear has created consciousness as a way of separating perception from reality and knowing that out of guilt we’ve ever since fought to redeem ourselves as worthy of our consciousness by creating a fake enormous apologetic culture society world and life but what can really save us from all our ancestors sins? experience of life vs theoretical teachings is weird how we prefer to follow and belief theories than the evidence that life puts in front of us again another weird problem of interpretation again another proof that we do not perceive reality that we don’t have a direct connection with reality and somehow I proved in another post reality actually doesn’t exist in our heads we fight it with all our might weird if I am successful at something I am at failure I have 18 years experience in it and what I’ve learned from it is that there is no me and nothing to gain

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there is no art there are only circles of people some more influential some less all have money and they just playing around with some nondescriptive things they call art without their circles, art doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t exist weird outside their circles all works of art is just bullshit some jumble shitty creations without meaning made by deranged people only inside the circles that bullshit becomes art is like color without looking at it, color doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t exist weird and all these people wanting to become part of some powerful financed circle creepy shit all around us I wonder why I wonder why everything between people is based on some creepy shit life without a job a function a profession is hard and confusing makes ones life meaningless and purposeless but life is more than that but is difficult to construct another life all by yourself for yourself its weird how many people have no inner independent life weird how many people have only communal lives weird how when they finally wake up they feel purposeless and afraid they feel as already dead and kill themselves asap weird weird how all independent life is seen as pejorative weird how only communal is promoted as valuable weird how only weirdos find the truth find the life that is generally hidden to the common man weird

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art is just a bunch of bullshit for sissiii lame self deceiving schmucks weirdos creeps perverts and psychos art is good for them because it keeps them safe in their world of bullshit and donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bother us normal honest real people -- a lot of people seem to believe it art is a mental institution for the misfits of the society those that believe or like art are sick people in the mind and need to be helped to become normal healthy human beings again light entertainment is the most people can accept as normal and healthy the rest it should be outlawed as damaging debilitating drugs just tell me what to do I am tired of failing at my own way love is not mine love is not yours love is divine cock is such a dirty disgusting thing for women bu also such a need omg this is such a creepy paradox we need love to cleanse it all away into something utilizable thank you soo soo much for teaching me what #love is it is a big big important thing to know right in life and we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t for most of our lives ask all my girlfriends and boyfriends I learned it the difficult way the hopelessness way there can never be he same answer for all these situations there is no objective answer nobody believes in a new generation until is too late and they always want to create their own and they always fail

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people feel so awkward when I treat them as angels as divine beings when I preach my absolute amazing love for them when I put all my life at their feet when I put at their feet, all my soul and life people are angels angels hidden in iron masks angels afraid of being angels. earth seams to be a place of hiding for amazing divine beings and I cannot be overwhelmed when one of them I feel as close to me and my life in this world divinity iss the most fff amazziing shiiiit the best thing in my life was to separate job from social from personal from secret from artistic life I can now find solace from each one into each other one of them we should always start from the outskirts if our limits an knowledge there are only two modes in social life you either hate people or you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t care about them love is not an option hate is for the ones that want love carelessness is for the ones that want solitude social life is always such a great disappointment that we go at great lengths to change it into something positive and fail if nature was afraid to fail it would never been so creative so diverse so wholesome the answer to the question - what is art is always coerced by the situation you are in when asked alone, in an art place, in the market, in school, at war, in prison, in hospital as a doctor, in hospital as a patient, on your death bed, while wife is giving birth to your first child, to your second, to your forth, visiting a foreign country, returning to your own country....

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how many nonreal things in your life you hold as real? how many things you identify with and are not you? what are you with all these ireal and all. these things you identify with? and what are you without all of them? and what are all of them without you? in order to find truth of the nonmind kind you need to try and try again paths that end up in deadends going on an already made path is blindness and meaningless we need to experiment chaos to comprehend something out of this life thorn away the map and run freely in the unknown for the unknown is especially made for us the humans as conscious self aware beings in what Tibetans call - a journey without a goal its soo weird and so wonderous that all the girls I’ve been with all my life have all been divine beings I’ve always avoided humans nobody cares for truth but only for money that’s really great existentialism crazy people are those that have met with death one time or another in their lifetime crazy people are the real people so respect crazy people and their amazing need for truth of course a more than real and physical world truth as any truth is sometimes I just love my life and the way it connects with others in raw direct experience mindless and mindfull its the true magic of life the real transcendence CHAPTER VIII

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m-am dezobisnuit de lume when you silently loved me what did you want from me? what hope fed your silent love? and tell me, how did it rot away? that you hate me forever I block myself away from desirable inaccessible things people values and ideas there is a war out there social-realism vs reality My first contact with absurdity of life it was when I was 8 years old It was a very strange event, because it united many many layers of reality, layers that I was never aware until then, I believed all to be true and fun.

All to sprung out of an eternal love that surrounds and imbues all of us.

When I was 8 year old, I set up a prank for my school class, I arranged with a colleague of mine to simulate a fight in the class, a fight where I would pull out a knife and put it at his neck. My first encounter with a public. With performing a show. With the worlds of suspended disbelief and reality.

But it happens that everyone believed it to be real. Even my actor colleague that got scared and ran away hiding in a cupboard.

And then nobody believed me it was a spectacle. My colleague begun to lie that it was not a spectacle, because then he would fall as a fearful schmuck. Then I was treated as a terrorist among all my class.

And all I was amazed about, was how many worlds of imagination, for lying, for justice, for fear, for prejudice, are all imaginary worlds reverberating into each other. And was the first time I felt the pure joy of reality. Bare naked and raw reality.

And I never looked back. Never did I trusted again any of the imaginary worlds made up by social mores. The absurdity of identification with communal ideas.Being interested in them only as instruments of revealing reality through them.

Always mixing spectacle and reality. Fiction and social-realism Because it is all fiction. pleasure is big business because people never do anything out of their good heart only out of guilt or desire

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the internet is our contemporary blank canvas onto which we can study the instincts drives and dynamics of humans even if they were educated in a material historical society already with its own values mores faults taboos look at the internet as a place where we could be ourselves as much and as truly ourselves as possible look at the internet as what humans naturally do into any new world and medium and we are still in its infancy -how can you doubt new worlds? how can you doubt human endeavor to find language, meaning, truth, togetherness? how can you doubt freedom? how can you believe in human self destruction without guidance and control?

-you should doubt the beliefs you were thought to have. and explore any new world where humans went, and see that everywhere they’ve thrived and found beauty truth love over and over again. you should learn from our history, that without new worlds, we become toxic in our beliefs and self destruct. but you don’t need to believe me. just go out there and see it for yourself. there are good people and there are bad people and I am trapped in the middle dmt is in all of us dead or alive past future and present existent of nonexistent in all forms of life and nonlife people were never interested in spiritual things I wonder how they succeeded with religion my idea is that rich people found that they could make more money out of religious people than out of the nonreligious so they’ve invested in popularizing it -I wonder how could my art make rich people richer

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cum ar fi feminismul o miscare a barbatilor catre femei?

-criticism of marriage, equality, female education, genital mutilation, femicide, feminazi, girl power, honor killing, language reform, male gaze, matriarchal religion, oedipus complex, reproductive justice, sexual harassment, sexual objectivisation, violence against women, sexual orientation, prostitution, womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s health when you stumble upon an independent artist that is out of the system, small and unsuccessful what do you instinctively think and feel? artists are dangerous when they put the human on the second place and the sign of human on the first equal to all the other signs of the world and I am one of them and thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why I fear real humans because each one is a threat for my faulty world view I would better kill you all than hurt my folly I love people that expose themselves sexualy do you want to marry me in a creative marriage? not friendship not romantic not loving not family but a creative relationship is the most complete relationship between two people for it transcends al ltheir layers for it unites them in living unity and still keeps their own souls wide open and at the outmost of their sincerity and universe my art is an art of the intime

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we talk to each other too much like we talk to animals we listen to each other too much like we listen to animals its so difficult to utter truth using only lies what world would that be when issues of the soul would be popular people are bodies with a pinch of soul I am glad I was in the army I am glad I was in school, in sports, in film crews I always found myself not surfing any side’s wave and always retreated in my solitary and intimate and weird corner I now know I will never be of the people thus never will have power or popularity thus never will I be an artist thus never make art but I will be free and that’s the only real thing I desire in life the rest are just side effects of it exercise daily your nihilism as muscles for future failures as muscles for past regrets few can grasp that we shouldn’t eliberate only our light side but also eliberation is necessary for our dark side as well eliberation is that sort of possibility to communicate with the thing you want to eliberate as you do with the mouth eliberation is not expressing your dark side, but taking it out into the realm of eliberation, out of the frame you’ve been using it until now we still guide our lives by the things that feel right and wrong by the pleasure and disgust although we know from infancy that pleasure can be as toxic and disgust that disgust can be as healing as pleasure

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we only try to accept reality when we utterly fail the rest of the time we ruthlessly hassle our way towards desires and needs in a paranoid solipsistic universe knowing you has blocked me from seeing your soul now it is you who has to show it to me I never knew how to correctly desire things so that it will happen everything in the world is based firstly and mostly on it looks like... and only after that on what it is lookness vs issnes we are exclusivistic beings by the unconscious invisible intergenerational education we are victims of our ancestors the assumptions of beauty are horrible find and do only the most expensive fight and sacrifice to become expensive refuse all that is not perfect a perfection of the senses and of a teaching for perception an aquired taste beauty creates more failures than achievements beauty is just an aristocratic exclusivistic bullshit but yeah we all aim at it for we all want to become princesses thus our inability to become human humanity is only for the fools and poor people only in refusing beauty can we find some truth many want to become someone different, various differents few want to become nothing

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but don’t forget that the magic body of our inner selves is useless because its applicability is soo narrow so seldom so momentary the other coarse more practical and in touch with materiality bodies, will keep it covered up and clogged I wonder what is the practical reason beyond its existence? can it be only the hope function? #gindireangelica embrace the stupid ones stop fearing them stop pushing them away no matter how painful it is embrace love is not peace love is not beauty love is constant surprising breakthrough love is conflicted freedom love is painful for love is beyond your fucked up shitty life beyond matter beyond consciousness beyond evil beyond god all is in all #gindireangelica that’s why love doesn’t exist always keep an eye on normal life tu cauti lucruri frumoase in oameni uriti? do you feel attached to anything mechanical? don’t worry my words will pass

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THE END

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