Tit-Bits 22 April 1882

CONDUCTED BY GEO. NEWNES.

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ENTF.R:F.D-AT [ STATJON>:ns' HAIJ••

No. 27.--VoL. II. --- ~ -----..-

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•NOTICE.

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~'f-W~ JL. I. of Tit-Bits is now ready, ' ~· .. ~~/.- ~ being 26 Nos. or 6 Months' issue of

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Tit-B"' neatly bnnnd in olntb,

PRICE ONE PENNY.

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APRIL

A'r BOOK RA'l'E!l.

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22, 1882.

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A FAMOUS physician of the last century, Dr. , N1cE little girl: "Oh, do let me see you drink!"

Letsom, used to sign his prescriptions "I Letsom,'' Caftain Grogson: "Why, my dead" Nice littl~ which gave rise to the following epigram:, gir : "Because ma says you drink like a fali I" "When any patient c.-ills in haste, I ph}·sics, bleeds, and sweats 'em; If after that they choose to die, Why then of course-' I Lets 'em.',.

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J,)~-~ ~ . lettered complete, 3/0.

TnE politest man in B-- ha.s been discovered.

He was hurrying along the street the other night o:..<.i;;.' ''" This volume contains :when another man, also in violent haste, rushed !.V out of a side alley, when they collided with great 1,000 J oke1!, force. The second man looked mad, while the 1,000 Interesting nnd amusing paragraphs polite roan, taking off his hat, said: "My dear sir, I don't know which of us is to blame for this and articles. violent encounteri.,.but I am in too great a hurry to investigate. .tf I ran into you I beg your 1,000 Tit-Bits of General Information. pardon ; if you ran into me1 don't mention it," !JOO of Legal Information, and many and he tore away at redoublea force. other pleasing features.

Also the names of the winners of 30 Guineas in

TRA~S)US~ION ATIROADJ

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AN American preacher was holding forth to a

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Two Irishmen on a sultry night, immediatel,Y' after their arrival in India, took refuge underneath the bedclothes from a skirmishing party of mosquitoes. At last one of them gasping for breath, ventured to peep beyond the blankets, and by chance espied a fire-fly which had strayed into the room. Arousin~ his companion with a kick, he said : "Fergus, J«ergus, it's no use. Ye might as well come out. Here's one of the crayters look• ing for us wid a lantern ! " QQl<'Q

As poor insane George III. wa.s one day break• fasting at-Kew, the ~reat scarcity of beef, which was then prevailing in England, became the subject of conversation. "Why do not people plant more beef 1" asked the king. Upon being told that beef could not be raised from seed, he seemed still incredulous, and took some bits of beefsteak, and went into the garden nnd P.lanted them. 'l 'he next morning he went to see if they had sprouted, and found some snails. Thinking they were oxen, he exclaimed, " Here they are, Charlotte, horns and all !"

"mewhat wearied congregation when he "lifted · his eyes" to the gallery, an<l1 beheld a "little c:kle" pelting the people with chestnuts. prizes. .Jominie was about to administer, ex; cathedra, a sharp and stinging reprimand for this flagrant act THACKERAY tells of an Irishwoman begging alms impiety and disrespect, but the youth1 anticii""'"Q . .1 of him who, when she saw him put his hand in his of pating him bawled out at the top of his voice, A CLERICAL g~ntleman of Hartford, Connecticut, pocket, cried out "May the blessing of (kid follow "You mina1 youi· preaching, and PU keep thejolks once attended the House of Representatives to you all the days of your life,'' but when he only awake!" The scene that ensued may be safely 1 read prayers. Ho was politely requested torema.i.n to~k out his snuffb<tx she immediately r.dded left to the imagination. seated near the speaker during the debate, when " autl never overtake you." ggoQ he found himself the spectator of an unrnarrying . . . ' process, so alien to his own vocation, and so cha.gggo AN Englishman who had ~he faculty of excitmg racteristic of the legislature of Connecticut that ONE of the "Line," who does not look with Carlyle to frenzy by tallang abo~tt O'Connell, the result was the following impromptu:~ ' frvour on amateur soldiers, on being asked why called on the sage, and, after talkrng about the " . .

For cut-t~ng 11;11 co_nneat-1ons framed, the volunteers closely resembled the great Lord weather at it they went. It was a hot and mercit t •t b h Uonnect·i-cut is fairly named ; ' T Nelson, remarked "That the last thing Lord 1ess contes~. ,ea put a s op o i , ut t ey soon I twain connect in 011e, but you Nelson did was to die for his country, and that's began agam.. There were guests r.resent,, and Cut those whom I c1 nnect, in two. about the last thing the volunteers would do."

Mr.s. Carlyle put her foot on the Englishman s toe Each legislator seems to ray, to im}llore peace. He no sooner felt the pressure •What you Connect I cut away.',.

0000 than he screamed out, "Why don't you touch QGfilg IT was so natural for Dr. Watts, when a child, your husband's toe, Mrs. Carlyle 1 he is more to to speak in rhyme, that even when he wished to blame than I." The company burst out laughing, A QUAINT story is told of a Baptist grocer who avoid it he found it difficult to speak without includin~ Carlyle himself, and tea was finished in called on Monsignor Capel to complain that his rhyming. His father was displeased at this pro- I tranquillity. daughter having surreptitiously attended a service pensity, and threatened to whip him if he did not at the pro-Cathedral, had renounced her faith.

OQOO Monsignor listened with demure urbanity, leave off making verses. On day, when he was IN a dissenting chapel near Barnard Castle, a The about to put his threat into execution, the child and ended by inquiring _wherein he could assist few Sundays a"'o, two farmers met. One of them his visitor. " Well, the fact is" exclaimed the burst out into tears, and on his knees saidon his way to the chapel had noticed a fine calf grocer, "my daughter used to heip me in the shopi " Pray, father, do some pity take, in his neighbour's field, which circumstance gave and I want to know whether she will be oblige<l And I will no more verses make." rise to the following conversation :-Addressing to inform her confessor who has long been a gooo his friend in a tone which he intended for a whis- customer of mine, of the iittle tricks we are someA GENTLEMAN who asked a shoeblack to look per, but which was loud enou~h to be heard for times obliged to use in our trader' 'l'he Monsignor after his horse and trap, kept him waiting for a several yards round, he said, ' Tommy, supposing replied that if the Baptist's daughter were a good wa.<> Monday, what wad ye tak for your calf 1" girl she would be bound to disclose all that lay on considerable length of time, only giving the lad a it penny for his trouble, inquiring at the same time "Why,'' replied the other, "supp,osing it wa.s Mon- her conscience. "Ah, well, if that's the case," what the initials I. 0. G. •r., which were on his cap, day, aw'l tak two pund ten." ' Supposing it was cried the grocer, "I'll just join your church, too i meant; to which the boy sharply replied, "I Often Monday, then, ye shall hev't." The bargain was for I should like to give him my own account oi: Get 1'wopence." It..iiJnot necessary to say that the thus concluded, and the calf, we are informed, was ihe matter." duly delivered on the following day.

hint was taken.

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A PRIL

T I·T- BITS.

2 DEBTOR AND CBEIJITOR.

COURTSHIP.

KING SOLOMON'S SMITH.

upon the solemn stillness of the starlit night AND it came to pass when Solomon, the son of OuT pealed the tones of the church bells-those brazen· David, had finished the Temple of Jerusalem, that harbingers of pe1ce and goodwill to men.

THE following story is related of a firm of wealthy he called unto him the chief architects, the head throated Sweet was their jangling as they rang out to all merchants in Manchester, consisting of two of artificers, and cunning workers in silver and alike-the rich and the poor, the old and the young. brothers, from whom, it is affirmed, that a cele- in goldi and in wood, and in ivory, and in stone- the invalid on a bed of l'ain, n,nd the sturdy 111:\1' brated fiction writer derived his model of the yea, al who had aided in rearing the TeJ11ple of who had never known sickness-a farewell to th~ Checryble Brothers. The elder brother of this the Lord : and he said unto them1 "Sit ye down old year that would so soon be gone for ever. house of merchant princes amply revenges himself at my table ; I have prepared a teast for all my . It.was on this.night-a night whose every ho_w upon a libeller who had made himself merry with chief workers and cunning artificers; stretch forth is hallowed and softened by the tender memon~ the peculiarities of the amiable fraternity. This your hands, therefore, and eat, and drink, and be that cluster around the latest moments of a dyin& man published a pamphlet, in which one of the merry. I s not the labourer worthy of his hire 7 year-that Pansy Perkins, the soft-eyed, olivebrothers (D.) was designated as Billy Button, and Is not the skilful artificer deserving of honour 7 skinned belle of the social circle in which ~ represented as talking largely of their foreign 'Muzzle not the ox that treadeth.out the corn."' moved, stood beneath the mellow glow of a turn~ And when Solomon and the chief workmen were down gas jet in the parlour of her father's palati~l trade, having traveHers who regularly visited Chowbent, Bullock Smithy1 and other foreign seated and the fatness of the land and the wine residence, and looked, with a sad, pityingexpressiOl parts. Some kind friend natl told W. of this and oil thereof were set upon the table, there came on her pure, North Side features, at a young mu: pamphlet, and W. had said that the man would one who knocked loudly at the door, and forced who was nervously pulling at a don't-look-cros live to repent of its publication. This saying was himself even to the festal chamber. Then Solomon, or-it-will-fade-away moustache, while a look~ conveyed to the libeller, who replied that he t he king, was wroth, and said, "Who and what pain flitted ever and anon across his features. should take care never to be in their debt. But manner of man art thou~" And the man answered "No Cigarette , Charley," she said, using t\1 the man in business does not always know who and said," When men wi h to honour me they name 1Dy which he was known among the wil~ call roe Son of the Forg'~ 1 11t when they desire to reckless set with which he associated ; "I cat shall be his creditor.

The author of the pamphlet became bankrupt, mock me, they call me .lilack-Smith ; and seeing never be your bride. I know that you love ru and the brothers held an acceptance of bis which that the toil of working in the fire covers me with deeply and truly, and that to win a love like yoru had been endorsed by the drawer, who had also sweat and smut, the latter name, 0 King, is not is something of which any woman might be pro11.' become bankrupt. The wantonly-libelled men inapt, and, in truth, thy servant desires no I will not deny, Reginald"-and here the gir had thus become creditors of the libeller. They better." "But,'' said Solomon, "why come ye stepped closer to him and phwed a soft, white ha1 now had it in their power to make him repent of thus rudely and·unbidden to the feast, where none in his, while the deep, brown e~es, that could lu his audacity. He could not obtain his certificate mve the chief of the workmen of the 'femple are a soul through inferno, or to 8t. Louis, gleam without their signature, and without it he could invited 7 " " Please ye, my lord, I came rudely,'' forth with a topaz tint that intoxicated him wi not enter into business again. He had obtained replied the man, "because thy servants obliged the sweet nectar of love all who came within th the number of signatures required by the bank- me to force ni.y way, but I came not unbidden. gaze-" that with you I could live happily Was it not proclaimed that the CHIEF workmen of ever in the Lotus islands of a Chica~o board~ • rupt laws except one.

• the Temple were invited to dine with the King of house, but my father says-and you Know how It seemed folly to hope that the firm of brothers Israel 7" adore my dear, kind papa-that you are not would supply the deficiency. What! they who Then he who carved the cherubim said had cruelly been made the laughing-stock of the "'fhis fellow is no sculptor." And he who inlaid the nervously active, pushing sort that always g. public, forget the wrong, and favour the wrong- the roof with pure gold, said, "Neither is a worker ahead in the world ; that he does not object doer! He despaired, but the claims of a wife and in fine metals." And he who raised the walls my marrying a poor man, but that man must ehild:en forceu him at last to make the applica- said, " Re is not a cu.tter of stone." And he who one who will rise in the world- ' a hustler fr. tion. Humbled by miseryi he presented himself made the roof cried out, " He is not cunning in Hustletown,' as dear papa says. So we m at tl:.~ ~11nting-room of t 1e wronged. W. was cedar wood : neither knoweth the mystery of part."

"PansY,-Miss Perkins/' said Reginald, in th; there alone, and his first words to the delinquent uniting pieces of strange timber together." Then were, "Shut the door, sir;" sternly uttered. 'l'he said Solomon, "What hast thou to say, Son of the deep thrilling tones of hrs. "I cannot-indC\'t door was shut; the libeller stood trembling before Forge, why I should not order thee to be plucked cannot let you go ! Stay one moment-onlv the libelled. by the beard, scourged with a scourge, and stoned moment!"

How that rich voice rang in her ears l ·De.1f> He told his tale, .and produced his certificate, to death with stones 1" · herself it moved her strangely. " Very well," And when the Son of the Forge heard this he which was instantly clutched by the injured " I will stay." was in no sort dismayedibut, advancing to the table1 said, merchant.

Darting hastily to the hat-rack in the fa up and swal owed a cup of wine, ana Reginald fumbled for a moment in the ur "You wrote a pamphlet against us once!" snatched "0 King, live for ever. The chief men of hall, left hand pocket of his overcoat, and drew tlu exclaimed W. The suppliant expected to see his said, workers in wood and gold and stone have said from a piece of white paper. R eturning to: parchment thrown into the fire; but this was not theam not one of them and they have said truly: parlour he knelt beside the fauteuil on wt. its destination. W. took a pen, and writing some- II am their superior, and they are all my servants." Pansy had thrown herself in an agon; . thing on the document, handed it back to the And he turned him round, and said to the chief of and kissed away the bitter tears of - u: bankrupt. He poor wretch1 expected to see there, the carvers in stone, " Who made the tools with "rogue, scoundre~ libeller," mscribed, but there was ·which you carve 1" And he said "The SMITH." sorrow that were welling up into the b.~u in fair, round characters, the signature of the firm. And he said to the chief of the masons, " Who brown .eyes. " See, my darling," he exclaimed eager!

"We make it a rule," said W., "never to refuse made the chisels with which the stones of the signing the certificate of an honest tradesman, Temple were squared 1" And he said, "The the ~a.per before her. " Look at this, JJJ} r and we have never heard you were anything else." SMITH." And he said to the chief of the workers one.

Pansy opened her eyes and gazed languidly The tears stood in the poor man's eyes. "Ah," said in wood "Who made the tools with which you W., "my saying was true. I said you would live to hewed the trees in Lebanon, and formed them the paper. "What is it, Tootsie 7" iihe murmll,' Drawing himself up proudly, and holdingiu repent writing_ that pamphlet. I did not mean it into the pillars and roof of the Temple 1 " And he as a threat. ·I only meant that some day or other answered " The SMITH." 'l'hen said he to the hand the paper and in the other his pancake Rerinald Green said in proud tonesyou would know us better, and would repent you artificer m 1 and in ivory, "Who makes the ·' It is a notice of my promotion to the rib. ~I tried to injm-e us. I see you repent of it now." "I i)l.struments gold which you work beautiful things counter. Hereafter my salary will be 12 d~! plaC do, I do," said the grateful man. " Well, well, my for my lord by the King 1" And he said, " The per week. Pansy, my precious one, we are1.~f·. All dear fellow," said \ V., "you know us now. How do SMITH." "Enough, enough, good fellow,'' said The girl looked at him lovingly. " You 1 · ~ you get 0111 What are you going to do 1" The Solomon, "thou hast proved that I invited thee, poor man stated that he had friends who could and that thou art all men's father in art. Go wash are,'' she said, and her arms were clasped.:'· do assist him when his certificate was obtained. " But the smut of the forge from thy face, and come and his thirteen-inch neck in an ecstasy of pas.;ion. lf, -.tld how ·a re you off in the meantime 7" And the sit at my right hand. '1.'he chiefs of my workmen Qgg.,Q@@Q answer was, that having given up everything to men; thou art more." his creditors, he had been comJ?elled to stint his areSobut it happened at the feast of Solomon, and THREE or four w?ts bad dined together, t 11 family of even common necessaries, that he might while taking their wine the snb,iect of unproi:, be enabled to pay the cost of his certificate. "My Smiths have been honourea ever since. and the difficulty of finding rl1ymes for cc dear fellow,'' said ·vr., "this will never do, your ~(!<9""1"'"'"" names was discussed. A general of brigaden:: t family must not suffer. Be kind enough to take Morris, who was also a poet, challenged anyo this ten-pound note to your wife from me. 'rhere, No censure can be too harsh for that wretched party to find a happy rhyme for his uarn~. there, my dear fellow-nay, don't cry-it will be who, bein~ married the other day, put the challenge was accepted by an actor present, nl! to• all well '".ith you yet. Keep up yot:r spirits, set man to· work like a man, and you will raise your head wedding-ring mto W.s mouth when the service Brougham, and the following was the result.- j1 that he might find it at the proper moment. yet.". The overpowered man .endeavoured in vain began,moment ' " All lrnil to thee, thou giftecl son! arrived. The minister winked for to express his thanks-the swelling of his throat That The wanior-poet Morris ! the ring.

The trembling bridegroom ~ave forbade words. He put his handkerchief to his ''lls seldom that we see in one obedient start, a sudden gulp, and the rmg had face, and went out of the door crying like a A Coosar and a llomce l " disappeared down his unlucky throat.

C'hild.

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22, 1882.

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APRIL

22, 1882.

ArRIL

rsHIP.

22, 1882.

A. COAT TALE.

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illness of the starlit night ~urch bolls-those brazene'.\ce and goodwill to men. i as they rang out to all oor, the old and the young, ,ain, and the sturdy man ,c lmess-a farewell to the oon be gone for eve·r. ·O. night whose every hour rd by the tender memories latest moments of a dying ins, the soft-eyed, olive1ocial circle in which he 1e mellow glow of a turned our of her father's palatial ,t h a sad, pityingexpressioH. 1 features, at a young man ing at a don't-look-cross>ustache, while a look of on across his features. rley," she said, using the s known among the wild, :h he associated; "I can [ know that you love me ;hat to win a love like yours ~ny woman might be proud. inald"-and h ere the girl 11d placed a soft, white hand brown eyes, that could lure or to St. Louis, gleamed that intoxicated him with e all who came within theirl L I could live happily for, ds of a Chica~o boardin~-1 11ys-and you 1rnow how I. papa-that you are not of ushing sort that alwo,ys get!l that he does not object td, an, but that man must b~ he ,Vt>rld-' a hustler fron' papa says. ~o we mus~

OLD Tommy Taylor, tailor and Retailer, doth retn.il Old army coats, and coats of arms, And also coats of male.

With coats of paint he paints his coat.a Of arms above his door.

His motto is, " I sow the tares, Sow all may rip the more."

He seldom tore his clothes, although H'd often close his store And then he'd eye his clothes a while, · Then close his eyes and snore.

To thread a little needle He would needle little thread.

Wen cutting dandy's suit he'd :;ay, "This scissor cut I dread."

In winter he invests in vests; In summer pants in pants; In spring he sows some seedy things; In fall he rips, perchance.

He would make breeches of the piece, Wli.ich he was bound to keep, "Dut none cared for his little fleece, Because his goods were sheep. "'..."'G;l"'Q99

.4. TERRIBLE ADVENTURE IN THE OLO UJJS. THE story I

am :1bout to relate happened during the Franco-Prussian war, in which the art of ballooning played so important a part. The city of Paris was formally invested on the 25th of Sept., and the imprisoned inhabitants had no means of communication with the outside world save by means of carrier pigeons and balloons. So complete, however, was the system carried out that every event which happened in Paris was lns," said Reginald, in tho·.; duly chronicled at 'l.'ours, the seat of the governhis. " I cannot-indeed ~ ing powers, despatch balloons journeying to and tay one moment-onlv on~ fro daily.

It is six o'clock a.m. The morning is extremely 1 rang in her ears ! ·nespit~ fine, considering that it is late in October. On an trangely. "Very well," sh1 immense open space in front of the large hall at Tours, a space set ap'.lrt for the accommodation of the hat-rack in the fron the numerous experienced acronauts theu emd for a moment in the uppc1 ployed in the Government service, walks to and s overcoat, and -drew the~ fro Monsieur Gustave Nadar, one of the most l aper. Returning to th celebrated professors of acrostation. Occasionally siae the fauteuil on whic he looks up at the heavens, as if taking a critical Lerself in an agony '" E! r · survey, and anon he turns his gaze in the direction e bitter tears or · .•m an of a huge balloon, then in course of being filled at llling up into the bcautif a short distance from him. Anyone could see that Monsieur Nadar was getting in1patient. He is he exclaimed eager!· , 11lacir waiting the arrival of the private secretary of the "Look at this, rnv l · · · Minister with important despatches, whic]J. he is to convey that day to Paris. It is a service of lyes and gazed languidly great danger. The intrepid voyager will ..have to 3 it, Tootsie 1" she murmur• pass over the Prussian lines, where thousands of p proudly, and·holdin"'in o men engaged iri "grim-visaged war" will watch n the other his pancake ht1 him, and. secretly hope for some fatality to befall in proud toneshim. His balloon, the Intrepide, sways about E my promotion to the ribl majestically, as though chafing under the restraint my salary will be 12 doll placed uvon it. ly precious one, we are savc1 All is prepared, when Monsieur Barre, the secrehim lovingly. "You bet 1 tary, appears, carrying with him a packet of ier arms were clasped abOi documents neatly tied up, and presenting them to :k in an ecstasy of passion. 1\Ionsieur N adar, speaks a few words of caution ~ 1 1tl explanation. The acronaut takes the~acket, i.rgggQgig;,) . in company with the secretary hurries to the .

Jon. Nadar lightly springs into the car; he · s had dined torrether; llf 1w.1ops and places the precious documents in a the subject of kind of secret artfull.J.: concealed under the f findin rhymes for certa drapery. Havmg done this, he looked round A "en~ral of brirrade na1~ thougL.tfuUy at the necessary paraphernalia placed ready to hand, as though mentally assuring 0· po~t challenn·ed any of \.h n{e for hi~ name. · himself that his assistants had omitted nothing t>yd b~ an actor present, na,. towards the means of carrying out his perilous Yoyagc ~n s:afcty. Finally ~e tigl_1tened a strqng 0 llo~ving was the result: . , . 1 belt which ho wore round his waist, from which thee, thou t:pf}ed son · . could bo plain:ly seen a pair of bri"ht-looking six>r-poet :Morns_. · . chamber r()volvers: 111 a quiet b~G firm tone he 11 that we se~ .~none ! called {,o' th"ti 'n'i.en' ''""l\Iak'e ready." Then sfoikin(J' 11d a Horace • 1 G

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TIT-BITS.

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hanqs hurriedlr with Monsieur Barre, who wished revolver t umbled the fellow over with a fearful him "success,' the men grasping the ropes had groan of ag:my. He directly poured five or six eased the huge machine up some ten or fifteen successive shot,,into the bodyof the balloon, which feet, when directly came the sharp command, i n8tantly bcga:-t to settle down on its way to the "Let go." earth, bearing with it the dead body of its Jato Away the Intrcpide rises straight and swift as. exultant owner. Our hero's attention was now an arrow from the bow. For the 11rst ten minutes called to enemy number two, who had got near the balloon, although checked in i;pecd, seemed as enough to fir,., but who made no attempt to do so. if it ha<l not swerved a yard from a direct upward Monsieur Nadar,concciving that his intention nas course. Soon the current of air nece$Sary, and to 1p·apple with him, flung out a bag of ballast, calculated upon by the aeronaut, wa.<; fe lt, an<l >ihe ar.n quickly roee above the corning enemy. The drifted swiftly off m the direction of Paris. Steaclily slight alteration of altitute brought the IntrcEide and quickly was the jonrn°y beinq accomplished. in contact with a fresh current of air, w ich Eleven o'clock had arrived. 1frns1eur Na<lar was waftetl it, as it were, at an angle with the course throe thousand metres in the air, and over the before pursued. 'l'he effect of this wa8 to cause opposing forces of the PrussianR, which a.ppea.red the balloons to cross, the Prnssian one at the time as though a lilliputian host 11ad taken to the nehl, bei1w below. It scaled his doom, for Nadar, so minute did they appea!' by distauce. Fort watcl1ing his chance with breathless anxiety made 1 Charenton was reached and Paris could plainly be all ready, and at the very instant of crossrng he observed. Monsieur 14aclar quietly congratulated cut away the grappling iron which hung extended himself upon the ease with which ho wa,s appar- underneath the car. With a crash it tore through ently accomplishing his journey. He was t aking the enemy's balloon. Thought could hardly be but little heed of the surrounding prospect, his quicker than the flight to earth, a shapeless mass. eyes being fixed intently upon the distant capital. Monsieur Nadar, after this extraordinary victory, Suddenly an exclamation of surprise came from descended to the current of air he had before been him. On his rigb.t hand appeared a huge balloon. journeying in, and although an hour behind the He shades his eyes with his hand to gain a clearer usual time for accomplishing the passage, Paris view, for the sun's rays were bright and strong in was reached by him, and his despatches were illuminating the atmosphern arowid him. A delivered in safety. second now came to view on his left hand.

For this heroic act he received a unanimous Monsieur N adar became a'.11rmed, although long vote of thanks from the then existing Government, before he had mentally resolved to die rather than besides o, handsome monetary acknowledgment. suffer himself to be nm.de a prisoner.

Nadar performecl many other journeys during the 'fhe .French eolour3 were soon fl ying from the war, but none that brought him into such clo);e car of the Intrepide. Do!h the stranger balloons proximity with the Prussians as this "aerial immediately responded by exhibiting the same combat." tokens of nationality.

G'il!<QQ@90 "Friend~~ by all that's lucky!" cried the excited Monsieur .e<ladar. But vain were his endeavours JIE DIDN'T SEEM TO TAKE. to make out the faces of his "friends." 'fhey studiously kept them turned from him. Nearer and nearer the macl1ines were drawn tow'tr<ls each " 'l'HE Wahsatch eh ain is solid silver,'' says Govern or other. The occupant of the car beneath the first Laurel, as we struggle the cailon's cut by the balloon was now near enough to be hailed by Union Pacific Road; ' when Brigham Young fr:1 Monsieur N adar. gone, we shall coin these ridges into dollars."

"Holloa!" shouted the aeronaut o[ the Govern- Everyone a~rees with Governor L aurel, and tl10 ment.

(Sambling spirit in the mountains seems to creep "Holloa ! " answered the stranger. mto the cars. "Here, take a book, sir-take a "Who are you 1 What is your name, and what chance, sir," cries the boy who sells you paper, is your purpose 1" were '}uestions asked one after nuts and candy. another in tones of hurried excitc!llent.

"Chance-what chance 1" "I am beside you, :Monsieur N adar," came the Not deigning to turn his roguish face, he throws reply; "you see I know you. As to my name, it a dozen books into my room. Each volume is tied is Carl Von Pack, principal aeronaut to the up in a paper wrap, so that you can read the title Prussian forces, now in thousands below us; and but cannot open the leaves. "One dollar fifty I am going to carry you a prisoner to them." cents eacli," jerks the lad. "Twenty dollars in the At the conclusion of the above rema,rks the lot · first prize, ten dollars; second prize, fiye Prussian hauled in the French colours, substitut- dolfars ; third prize, two dollars." " Yes, and how ing in their place those of bis own nation. He do you win them i" " Buy a .book ! Here's a had, in point of fact, been sent up by the Prussian good thing-' Life of a New York Detective'-:--bcst commander loss with a view to capture the book of the season." aeronaut himself than to obtain possess10n of his As I look into his roguish eyes, he blurts ont, · despatches.

"Sir, you don't seem to t(lke. L ook here ! Buy Monsieur N adar nothing daunted, quickly and a book-say this one- break the band ; a note fearlessly retortecl, "'l'hank "you; perhaps you drops out, you see · a five dollar note. You get will. ca~ture me first. And your companion the book and five dollars for one dollar and fifty yonder i' he added, pointing to the other balloon, cents.1' as yet out of speaking distance. _ "Are you the owner of these volumes 1" "You will soon discover," replied his antagonist, "No, sir, but I saw the notes put in ; I know at the same time firin,~ at him from a revolver, the the twenty dollars are there." bullet taking effect by passing through the neck ''You seem a decent sort of lad, and so rll put of the Intrepi<le, just above the Frenchman's you up to the ropes. You buy that parcel for head. The ,'.!'1.S poured orit with a hi:isin" sound yourself. Twelve volumes-eighteen dollars. You from the lmllt:t holes, but Nadar was eqrntl to the make two dollars in money, you have twelve occasion, for in a moment the pm1cturcs were volumes in paper, and no detective after yon fo r stopped with a strongly adhesive substa1ice which theft." Grinning throue-h his sharp teeth, he he cairried with him to serve in case of emergency. gathers up his wares and slinks away. "Guess It was evid.:mtly tl:e desire of the Prussian to aim I 'm sent on board t o sell, not to buy." If he sucat the acronaut rather than to destroy the balloon, ceeds in life this lad may be a rival of Slim Jim. for the second shot pa.s~cd through corJagc close by him.

Swift a.s thougbt l\Ion&ieur Nadar G@QQQiggg thought of a ruse to doccivc the enemy, for on the second fire he th rew up hiR :mns with a loud cry "I SAY, Sambo, docs you know what mal:cs de and dropped o•it of .~ight in tb car. The Prussic.n, corn gro\v so fa~t when YO\! _put de nrn,nure 011 it '1" thus deceived, ni:se<l himself to lii.~ full height, "No, I don't hardly." "Now I'll just tell ye ; and for the first time Juring the novel warfare v>hen de corn begins to smell de manme, it dim 't stood" exposed to Yiew, wavin-g hb hat \1·ith joy in like ·de 'fumory, so hurries up out of (l.c gronnt!, the anticipr.;,t.Um of 1is prize. Nad.ar 0;1lvrcquirccl and sits up as high as possible so as not to breathe this oiinortl:nitY,' for a well aiuieJ sbct from l1is had air." ·

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4

CONTINENTAL TIT-BITS. In this column we sltall produce, week by week, TIT-Bnsj1·om tlte titeratitre of France, Germany, Italy, an Spain.

In order to induce 01tr foreign readers to take an interest in tltis column, we oj/'er a Prize of ONE GUINEA to tlte person sending us tlte best CONTINENTAL TIT-BITS during tlte montlt of April.

Alt competitions and contributions for tliis column must be sent in the OHIGINAL }~RENCH, GERMAN, ITALIAN, or SPANISH. Competitions to be marked "CONTINENTAL."

TIT-BITS. CAPITAL SENTENCE.-The good people of Krahwinkel were in a dreadful fix. A murderer had been sentenced to death, and was to be beheaded; but the executioner was very ill, and unable to attend to his duties. No one could be found to take his place, theugh invitations for a substitute had been widely circulated. At the council meeting which had assembled to deliberate on this perplexing matter, a modest member at last rose and inquired what the expenses of the execution would come to. "About 50 thalers,'' was the reply. "Well, thenhwe might give the fellow the 50 thalers, and let im go and have his hc:i.d taken off where he pleases."

APRIL

22, 1882.

1

A CHINESE WINTER.-The chinese measure t!I== iii cold according to the number of singlets or unde: jackets required to keep oneself warm. 'l'hus "Three-jacket degre~ of c<i;Id" corresponds preh,l\[1t. M. 0. y nearly to Ol~f fre~zmg ,porn~. When .the frm lmok called .,, reaches the six-Jacket pomt the Chmese n which slow h and dance about in the Streets tO Obtain a ]jtll ~ •rt•uo Ofl fh 8 I ·1cets, "h ' danger ruhL~lry ~, en: wa~m th. A t " ten Jae . t ey a_re m and losmg nose and ears. "}, ifteen Jackets " ma The r )!low· the ver)'._l?west state of the thermometer in Chinown c;•untri~g -Scltwabisclie .Jferkur.

Y• 1

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ITI<•.

f "~u.l:ition .........

•.u11111g:t •••••••••••

b.ivingsAllcndanco .............

E CCENTRIC PROFESSORS.- Al most every f ocolll~chool doctor has his own peculiar method of treating hJ• . .,, ,~"' • * * * 1 ...........:· patients. Similarly, t he leading profes:-;ors ,Croruinal Convlcti1 TASTE AND FEELING, vocal music have each their own way to bring ftt'h!osof1!11ilway The French have goiit in all they do, TuE fellow-citizens of l\L Ferdinand de Lesseps ward their pupils. Some instances have bctj~"''"~l' l'as.."41nll Which we are quite without; have testified their respect for their illustrious furnished which are perfectly authentic, ar,~~:,~/:vuon llled • For Nature, which to them gave gout, townsman by affixing a commemorative slab to which make one's blood run cold. Thus Delsar(j:111x :i;;i~..&~'"' To us gave only gout. the house formerly inl1abited by him, No. 19, n?t !Duch of a. sii;ger himself, laid much stress IV·~•l 0prod~ced:::::: ltue des Reservoirs.-Le 1'emps. diction (enunciation). It was he'Who brought !fig Iron .......... ..

Condemn not in such a haste, ;i. ;i. ;i. ;i.

Darcier. Delsarte occupied apartments on tPJitcon and 11111111 These letters four appealing; sixth floor of a house at Montmartre. When ~ ported .........

AN elegantly dressed young man was having his French goUt is only taste, passport made out at the :police office. "What y~mng man came to him for lessons he fir~t mat;~c~~or cf EQI While English gout is feeling. profession 1" asked the official. "I am an artist hun run up a few scales. If he found his voi~umhnorc11 m h,1ir." "Express yourselfmo~e plainly; a barber to be strong, clear, and fresh, he would shake hl'airs c.r LeatJJ1i * ;i. * *' or a brush-maker 1 ":_ Westplwlian Calendar. .;; NEW Mom: OF RAISING THE WIND.-Mr. L, head, and mutter, "It won't be so easy," and aftr1 Olo\'1-~ pause he would go on to say " Th. ~"1clsororan,._ ;i. * * ;i. property owner, had a pretty little villa at N euil!y. a• protracted 1 • } b fi > ~ll"O INSPECTOR: "Now, when our Saviour had risen, The agent had given the tenants notice to quit, IS w iat you will iave to do; ut rst tell 111i·cn to whom did he appear first 1" Boy: "To the and they left the premises on the 15th of February. have you plenty of courage4 young man 1" " OCotton Piece a women." Inspector: "And why to the women Mr. L., who leaves to his agent the sole manage- tainly, ~· Delsarte." " l'. ou must know ll' cxporl('<l ......... lir;;t, do you think 1" Boy (prompted by his ment of his affairs, had gone to the South of method IS rather severe; but, no matter, we wl~•lt> ManufllcLul'll neighbour): "Because He thought in this way His France about the end of January and returned to try! Now, listen to me." "I am all attenti~.lk PJC1'(1 Goods • resurrection would soonest get known."-Swabian Paris early in March. As his agent failed to put M. Delsarte." "You will run down the six flig~ oollcn Cloth J(alendar. in an appearance, he became anxious, and pro- of steps as quickly as you can.J. shouting in ev~~ and 1:itcel 11 ;i. ;i. ;i. * ceeded to N euilly. What was his surprise to find tone of voice, Bomfaccio!" " Very good, :M. l}i..16 • THE ascent of Mont Blanc was successfully that every trace of his villa had disappeared! It sarte." "Then you will run up again at fl'apcr accomplished on the 23rd of January last by a had been pulled down by order of the agent, who sp,eed, still shonting, Bonijaccio all the wayliK·~p nnd Lambl' young Scotchman named Cunningham. This is had sold the stones and building materials, and ' Yes, M. Delsarte." "You will come here ever. Wool the second successful attempt of the kind in the then made himself scarce. Legal action was at day for a week and repeat the process for ~~:u~ ~~ i~P'lrt.a depth of winter. The first was made by an once taken by the unfortunate landlord, but all hour or two each time. After that, we shall Sel>ot~I For:i~\:'; Enslish lady (Mrs. Charles Stretton) on the 3lst endeavours to discover the whereabouts of the When the week's task was accomplished, tlronnage ot of January, 1876. strange thief were fruitless.-Republique.Fraw,:aise. yo:ing man again waited Upon his professor; r. l'hanL lihipi voice was broken. "Very good," Delsarte wol( n·~i:htagc of ;i. * ;i. ;i. then say "'We can now be<"'in our lessons." 11l'"110nnl Drbt ..

DURING Lent this year the regular supply of " wh ic ' h our pro"'fessor presided · ' \c,.umulnlcd I10use. m *' *' * m tionnl ll'eallh1'(1 fish to the Vienna market amounted to about ExPERIENTJA DocET.-(Count and Baron dis- occupied by artistes from ground floor to atti ...

2;iO,OOOlbs. daily, in addition to 12,200 crabs and covered sitting before a large bowl of punch.)

Gueymard lived there, and spent a :portion 1,700 frogs. Green peas and potatoes from Malta, Baron. But, my dear Count, how shall we each day in roaring at the top of his voice. Tk salads, red and white reddishes, and other green manage this immense bowl between us 1 explains how the deafening shouts of "B1J1 vegetables from Italy were offered for sale on Count. Nothing in the world easier! What faccio" might resound on the stairs withm Easter Monday.-Neue Freie Presse. will you bet 1 My valet will empty that bowl at giving rise to complaints on the part of the tenall: . a single draught. * if. ;i. * The method of Professor W artel was less sava; W no 1 ~ f hat sad-I TIIE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH AND THE FRENCH Baron. Fifty Fredericks d'or. but no less original. A pupil who called u~ the next room, Sowrnn.-After the battle of Hochstedt, the Count. Agreed. (Rings, and servant enters.) him was requested to execute sundry vod ones t.o the man Duke of Marlborough, having recognised among J ohn1 will you undertake to empty this bowl of exercises. These the pupil went through. "Tu ;; 1'!1nt 1. thnt is the wounded prisoners a private soldier, whom he puncn straight off 1 won't do,". im.mediately exclaimed Wartel, "Y'-' \\ hn.t is n-;;-what had watched during the action, said to him: "If Joltn. I ask for three minutes' time for reflec- must vocalise inwardly." "How am I to undi1 .~n !Xhtor 1 your master had many soldiers such as you, he tion (exit, and returns soon afterwards). Yes, I'I-1 stand you ! " "You must practise with yol. Why, you know, would be invincible." "It is not men like me he do it. mouth shut ! " "Why, I could never man~sagrcenUle COJ!Bequ1 is short off" replied the prisoner, "it is a general Count. Why did you take time to consided that." "So much the worse for you. You 11 ° fur any~ un like yourse f."-Le Bijou Litteraire.

Joltn. I thought I would try it on beer first. have•to do it, if I am to be your tutor!" But .ng~rstnnd 1t, t~e · ;i. * ;i. ;i.

-Scltwiibislter Merkur, strangest method wag that adopted by a Jeadi/!!1 111 nnd le~ him ACQUISITIVENESS.-H err Mu··11er was a wag. H e tenor, .whose name I have not been able 1 " B!it I don t exa if if * * JOU s~e, th1 had been dining one day with a wealthy merchant, CAMELS IN THE EAST.-Is was thought that ascertain. A t,oung lady, ambitious to tread il \\ when a large uncut cheese was brought on the camels, as a means of transport, would have been boards of the ' Grand Opera " one day called u~ the maru~ging «l4 table. The merchant requested his guest to cut extinguished by the introduction of the French him. Our tenor said to h~r in a gentle VOlt'nows, fru!n t.ho fire i into the cheese. "Where am I to cut into it 1" diligences on the road from Beyrout to Damascus, "Come, Miss, lie down here!" ".What 7" "Ole ~urrnj lmn mto La· inquired Herr Miiller. " Wherever you choose," but the fact is they are more numerous than ever. don't be alarmed. . • . Just recline on thil°1111 magc, and abo was the reply. "Very well," said Herr Muller; The road is safer, and there is more traffic. So couch." "But, sir ! " "I beg_your pardon, but l!'Wson saunters in', then, calling to l1is man-servant, he said, "Here, the camels come swinging alon~ as of old, each you won't do as I tell you I can do nothing~~ nose, lllll~ to say t; John, take this cheese home, I will cut into it string of camels being led by a little danker, and you." ThE'. young lady, not daring to offer a ~~NI. lle HI n vo . there."-Froembling. resembling a body of pachas under the guidance further resistance, extended herself on the cou 1all tlwstormsonii in fear and trembling. · Then the professor tO(<' •avl' pcrf~ct peace a1 * * * * of an ambassador. Let it not be thought that I out of his book-case what he could lay hands i..'_cc <•r twice a wee) STRANGE PETS OF EMINENT MEN.-Alexander seek to disparage the diplomatic body. I merely the Great, his horse Bucephalus; King Numa seek to symbolise the triumph of mind over in the way of huue in-foli()S dictionaries aJtcncr. We have th1 to. make it Pompilius, a deer; Sertorius1 the same; Augustus, matter. The donkey has the profoundest contempt enormous musical ~ores which he piled up ~n th-urpos~ 11°11t111111d nn o a parrot ; The Emperor Caligula, a horse, lncitas, for his great hirsute shambling charges. He looks recumbent form of his pupil. On the top of t~c has n stmn, which he nick-named Consul; Virgil, a butterfly; round at them every now and then as they come dictionaries he set a basin which he filled wif10 1.nan Nero, a starling; Commodus, a monkey· Helioga- along with a very bad imitation of the "Grecian water. When th~s was don~, he said to the youf"' 11.Jly liecauso ho bulus, a sparrow, named by him Lesbis; Honorius, bend,'' and with an air of simpering imbecility, person, "Now1 smg J" "You ex:pect me to sift! !1 two.ounce sl a hen ; Cardinal Richelieu little Angora cats; and then gives a sharv tug to the cord which like this 1" • Yes my dear miss you m 111 ~~·nor ckpartmoni.

Crcbil!onj dogs ; the poet Lamartine, Alexander connects them, and brmgs the whole cortege once accustom yourself tb sing with as littl~ expendit~ 11 Hut Lnw"°n d Dumas, t ie elder, a vulture; Gavarni, the cari- more into line. On the whole, I consider, that in ~f breath as/.ossible. Every time you breathe 1'!1 ns you .w' caturist, two green frogs; Alphonse Karr, a New- comparing him to them, I pay the ambassadors a httle too har , the movement of your chest 11?rc.'i 111•01! hun. foundland dog ; Lord Byron, a bear; King compliment. Certainly his labours are crowned spill the water in the basin. When once you haf",'\tr.:<c ll' lti deaf . managed to sing without spilling any, you wit Ille crazy lcavea hi Theodore, four lions. with the most rapid success.-Levant Herald. know how to sing!"-L'.Al1nanach Parisien. iln!nc.ss. All the 1· 1 his room.

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IRIL

22, 1882.

APRIL

.e chinese measure the r of singlets or under1eself warm. Thus o. d" corresponds pretty o.t. When the frost oint the Chinese run ·eets to obtain a little they are in danger of fteen jackets " marks 1hermometer in China,

22, 1882.

TIT-BITS.

TEN YEARS' PROGRESS. MR. M. G. Mm.HALL has lately brought out

~

hook railed "The Balance-Sheet of the World, which shows how astonishing has been the progress of the nations in tl~e various branches of fodustry and finance, dunng the last ten years. 'fho following figures show the progress of our Q\\'n country:JTJ<;M. 1870.

1880.

P·•pulation ............ 31,000,000 34,000,000 E.m1ings ............... £961,000,000 £1,156,000,000 * ~'1vings . ............... £53,000,000 £77,700,000 -Almost every fomol~SI t-r.llOol Attendance...

1,450,000 3,155,000,000 900,000,000 method of treating Ins 1:·•.11p~rs . .,..... :.. ·:·...

1,205,000 of Crmunal Conv1ct1011s 17,300 13,200 leading Profe~:;ors ' '.- "for- )illcsofHailwayopen 15,537 17,945 ··own way to b11no I )t:.ilway l'asseugers.. 336,000,000 603,000,000 instances ha:'e beed 1iaw Cotton used .... 1,012,000,oootbs. 1,373,000,000lbs. [ectly authentic, an Wool..................... 323,000,000lbs.

370,000,000lbs. n cold. Thus Delsarte, 1'1nx, Jute, &c......... 660,000,000lbs.

766,000,000lbs. lf 1 · d much stress on Coal produced......... ll0,000,000tons.

146,000,000lons.

1 ' hai'"i h b ought out J>ig Iron ........... :....

5,964,000tons.

7,749,000tons. ras e v o r h JI.icon and Hams 1med apartments on t 0 ported ...............

567,000cwts.

5,344,000cwts.

Montmartre. When a. l'iurnbor cf Eggs ,, 430,000,000 747,000,COO r lessons he first mn:cle Cocoa ,, 14,000,000lbs, 23,000,000lbs.

If he found his v01ce J\umbrrof Clocks,, 256,000 870,000 h he would shake his l'ai_:s of Leather , ,, 1 after (.Jo11rs ,, 10,000,00'l 17,000,000 t be so easy, anc" 'f. . DushelsofOranges,, 1,933,000 3,653,000 1ns Hico ld go on to say, ,, 4,077,000cwts.

7,889,000cwts.

1 do· but first tell me, •rca ,, 141,020,000lbs. 206,971,0001 bs. ~ yohng man r' " Ccr-.colton riece Goods . must know exported ............ 3,266,000,000) ds. 4,495,000,000yds. ou 'tter we will Jute ~fanufactures,, 51,000,000yds. 183,000,000yds. mtl Ino ma ll 'ttcntion~!iilk Picco Goods ,, 3,854,000yds.

6,218,000yds. ' am a a. .

Woollen Cloth ,, 32,000,000yds.

50,002'P00yds. run dmvn the six ihght Jron and Steel ,, 2,325,000tons.

3,79c,uOOtons. can shouting in ever ;oal ,, 11,000,000tons.

18.000,000tons.

"Very good, M. Del JIMs ,, 338,000dor,. ·922,000doz. a ain at fu~l'aper ,, 177,000cwts.

472,000cwts.

P r~n ~ Sher nnd Lambs' 1nifaccio alY the way. wgol 9 OOO OOO!bs.

17,000,000lbs. u will come here eveIJ11,·a1uc of hports .'.'. £303:000'.ooo £4ll,000,000 ~at the process for a~Yaluo of Exports ... £200,000,000 £223,00'.l,OOO fter that we shall see.f~·owl Foreign Trade £503,ooo,ooo £634,000,000 ~vas acc~mplishcd, t~ ·onnago, ~f Merh' professor· ln. chant Slups ....... 11,345,000 19,010,000 upon ,,1Delsart~ ~oul1ltfrc~ghlage of ditto 30,000,000tons.

52,000,000tons. f good, ,, 'l'l~:1t1onal Debt ....... £797,943,000 £768, 703,000 oe"in our lesso~s.

LIJlrrumulated Nam~fessor presided W?-9\ tional Woalth .... £3,310,000,000 £3,960,000,000 a ground floor to. attic.: and spent a -portion ?~ QQIWQQ<ilQQ , top of his voice. This, ~ing shouts. of ".Bhoni:) .AN INVALUABLE MA.N. m the stairs wit OU• __ m the part of the tenant~ Wi.ro i8 t11at sad-looking man whom I saw sitting · Wartel was less savag ' 11 the next room as I came through 7" said .M:r. pupil who called upo ones to the man~rri.ng editor. execute sundry .. voca "That 1 that is 'Lawson, our substitute editor." ,rho. "What is a-what are the functions of that kind ,, .il went through. exclaimed Wartel, ~o £an editor 7" "How 3.!11 I ~o un e "Why, you know, we employ Lawson to shoulder ust practise with you isam·ceable consequences of all kinds. When we I could never mana go "for' anybody until outraged nature can no rorse for you. You w~ ongerstand it the injured man calls,and we show )e your tutor!" But~ irn in and let' him kick Lawson." it adopted by a leadm "But I don't exactly understand how-" ave n<?t. been ~ble t 11 Why, you see, the .man comes here and asks to r ambitious to ticad th the manaofog editor. The boy at the door 0 1~ra," one day called U(>O nows from th e fire in his eye, what he wants, and 0 ) her in. a gentle ',', ice e turi'1s him into Lawson's room. 'fhere is a brief 0 1. Timma.ge and about a quarter of an h our a f ter tere ! " "Wl1!1t~" · . Just reclme onb th. awson sdunters in here with his handkerchief to I beg your pardonh. ut/ i~ nose, and to say that his salary must really be you, I can do not mg aiscd. He is a very useful man. By concentratnot daring to offer an ll"all tlie storms on him the regular staff is allowed led herself on the couc ol1:~vc perfect peace and security. He is cowhided Then the professor too :ico or twice a week, and knocked down even ~t he cou~d ~ay h.ands 0 ftencr. We have the floor in there padded on -fol~()s, dict.ionanes, atl urpose to make it as comfortable as possible.

1w~ch he piled up on c don't mind an ordin'.11:y ~ogg~ng so much, but )~pil. Qn the top of ~ 1c man has a strange d1smclmat10n to ~e s~ot at; .sm, which he filled wit ossibly because he has three bullets m lus lc&s lone, he said to the yot~n nrl a t\\'o-ounce slug encysted somewhere in his "You ex:pect me to sin itcrior department. ~ 4ear ~1ss, you i:nu . "But Lawson don't mind his ordinarY. duties as ~w1tha~httleexpend~~~1d1 as you .woul.d think. We turn m all t~e Every time you breat . re.~ upon Lim. He commands a lar"·e sa!aiy ement of your chest hwi ·1';\usc he is deaf as a ']Jost, and a bore ";'ho would ;in. W~en once you a! t me cra;;y leaves him in a condition of unruflied ut spilling anY., .YOU w ln!nc,;s. All the poets ';ho. come here are sent .Almanach Paruien. ;o hl:i room. One of them 11 sit tbern n.n<l. read to

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Lawson a poem in forty-two stanzas, and Lawson'll sit there smiling blandly, just as if he heard it all, and then he'll compliment the writer and bow him a.nd his manuscript out with charming grace and ease.

He makes mistakes sometimes, to be sure. The other day a man read him a speech which the man wanted to pay for inserting in the paper. Lawson thought it was a poem, and he told the man in the usual formula, that he was sorry our advertising column was pressing so just no-w that we couldn't oblige him, and the man went up the street and published it in the Herald. A dead loss to us of about forty dollars; but Lawson is too valuable to be discharged for a single blunder like thnt.

"Whenever there's an excursion on a dangerous part of a new rail road, or a trial trip of a steamboat that we are doubtful abouti we always send Lawson to represent the staff. He Ms been blown up twice on the river, and has been dropped eight times throu$h a defective trestle-brid"'e, besides participating in a couple of boiler explosions. He receives all the champion cabbages, gigantic turnips, and remarkable eggs, that are sent here by subscribers for notice, and he tests all the giant cucumbers and early watermelons that come in.

We could hardly run this office safely if we didn't have Lawson."

"He struck me as looking rather low-spirited."

"So he is. He has naturally astrongconstitution; but he is gradually br.;aking down under the strain, I am afraid, and is going to die early. It weighs on his mind. He had a terrific fight with an indignant politician last summer just after he had tasted a basket of rather unripe cantaleupcs, and I have noticed that he has been somewhat gloomy ever since."

Just then the subdued noise of an altercation was heard in the adjoining room; there was a pistol shot, and a bullet came whizzing through the partition, passing close to Mr. Jones' head. ""\\That's that1 " asked Jones.

"Lawson's having a tussle with Mcllvaine, the democratic candidate for Common Council. We cut Mcllvaine up in to-day's issue. I thought he'd call. Boy,'' exclaimed the editor, "run for a policeman."

Then the sounds died away, and ten minutes later, when Mr.Jones went out, he saw the policeman and two other men carrying Lawson to the hospital onastretcher, whereupon themanagingeditorsaid" We'll have to let up on Mcllvaine for a day or two till Lawson has time to recuperate."

5 HOW THE WIRES ARE PULLED; OR, WHAT PRINTERS' INK WILL DO.

"lsN'T it extraordinary, Mr. Stubbs, how Jifr.

Simpkins can always be dressed in the last tip-top fashion 1 Don't you and I, and all the world, know that old Allen has a mortgage on his house, and that he never has a dollar by him longer than five minutes at a time. Isn't it extraordinary, Mr. Stubbs?" "Not at all, not at all, my dear," said Mr. Stubbs, knockin~ the ashes from his Ifavanna; "to an editor all tnings are possible;" and he unfolded the damp sheets of the Family Gazette, of which Mr. Simpkins was editor, and commenced reading aloud the following paragraph :"We, yesterday, had the gratification of visiting the celebrated establishment of the for-famecl Inman & Co., hatters, No. 172, Wideway. We pronounce their new style of spring hat, for lightness, beauty, and durabilitr,,, to be unrivalled; it is aptly designated the Count d'Orsay Hat.' The gentlemanly and enteqJrising proprietors of the establishment are unweanedin their endeavours to please the public. There is a .ie ne sais quoi about their hats which can be found nowhere else in the city."

"Well, I don't see,'' said Mrs. Stubbs, "I--" "'Sh ! 'sh ! !ifrs. Stubbs; don't interrupt the court- here's another:""Everyone should visit the extensive warerooms of Willcutt & Co., tailors, 59, Prince Albert-street.

There is a science wagging in the very tails of Mr. Willcutt's coats; in fact, he may be said to Lo the only tailor who is a thorough artist. His pantaloons are the knee plus ultra of shcardom.

M:r. Wiltcut has evidently made the anatomy of masculinity his study-hence the admirable res ult.

The most casual observer, on noticing Mr. Willcut's fine phrenological d evelopments will at once negative the possibility of his making a f aux-pas on broadcloth."

"Keep quiet, Mrs. Stubbs; listen:""The St. Lucifer Hotel is a palatial wonder : whether we consider the number of a cres it covers, the splendour of its marble exterior, the sumptuousness of its drawing-rooms, or more than Oriental luxuriousness of its sleeping apartments~ the tapestry, mirrors, and gilding of wluch remind one forcibly of the far-famed 'l'uileries. The host of St. Lucifer is an Apollo in person, a Chesterfield in manneri and a Lucullus in taste; while those whiteQQQQli\GQQ armed iouris, the female waiters, lap the soul in elysium.''

CURIOUS EPITAPHS. Mr. Stubbs lifted his spectacles to his forehead, crossed his legs, and nodded knowingly to Mrs. THE following are engraved on tombstones in Stubbs.

Bakewell churchyard, Derbyshire :"That's the way it's done, Mrs. Stubbs. The Know Post€r:ty, that on the 8th April, 1757, the rambling remains of John Dale were, in the 86th year of last notice paid his six months' hotel bill at the St. Lucifer, mcludin?, wine, cigars, and other little his pilgrimage, laid upon his two wives.

This thing in life might raise some jcalousie, editorial perquisites. ' Here all three lie together lovingly.

Q99QQQQQ Here Sarah's chiding John no longer hears, And old John's rumbling, Sarah no more fears.

A period's come to n.ll their toilsome lives, A NOTED sharper, wishing to in~rntiatc himself The good man's quiet-still arc both his wives. with a clergyman, said : "Parson, l should like to hear you preach more than I can tell you."

On a parish clerk :The vocal powers here let us mark "Well," responded the clergyman, "if you hacl Of Philip, our late parish clerk; been where you ought to have been last Sunday, In church none ever heard a lfl.yman you would have h~ard me." "vVhere was that 7" With a clearer voice say Amen. " In the county gaol."

Epitaph upon a gravestone in Crayford church1">9Q<;;) yard:Here lies the body of Peter Isnell, thirty years Clerk of TrrERE was an American farmer who owned a this parish. He lh·ed respected, a pious and wnrthy man, and died on his way to Church to assist at a little scra&'gy, cantankerous bull that could not be wedding, on the 3lst August, 1811, aged 70 years. The kept inside of any lot that was ever fen ced in inhabitants of Crayford raised this stone to his memory, Connecticut. One day, just after the rail road and as a tribute to bis faitllful service. between Hartford and Springfield was made, he The life of this clerk was just threescore :md ten, broke out of his pasture and made for t he railroad.

Nearly half of which time he had sung out amen.

H is owner saw the tip end of his tail disappear In his youth he was married, like other young men, over tho fence, and "put" for him the best he llut his wife died one day-so he chanted amen, A second ho took-she departed ; what tben? could. Just as he r eached the rail road, along He courted and m>.rried a third, with amen; came a train at full speed, and there stood ·his His joys and his sorrows were doubled; but then bull on the track, with head clown, and ready for His voice was deep bass as he sung out amen. a fight with the locomotive. The old man swung His horn was exalted in blowing amen, his hat, and shouted at the top of his voice, " Ge And be lost all his wind at threescore and ten ; it, you little cuss ! I admire your pluck, but And here, with three wives, he waits till again The trumpet sbal: raise him to sing out Amen. despise your judgment."

6

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TIT-BITS.

APRIL

' ..

22,, , 1882.

Chamrerops in sorts and a few other hardy palms, of these or,,ans; secondly, the capillaries of the, and tT1irdly, .after passiug through the right Carex iaponica variegata (grass, for table), liver; 1 Chrysanthemum frutesccns (Marguerite), white side of the heart, the capillaries of·the lungs, from and yellow varieties, Begonia argyrostigma and which it returns to the left side, and eventually to' otliers, Cytisus fragrans, yellow, sweet, Acacia the aorta.

84. By the law of En~land suicide is a crime A PRIZE oj TEN GUINEAS will ue given to the lophantha, A. annata, Calla (Arum, ltichardia,), called felonia de se (self felony); and at commo1 lily), Hydrangea hortensis, ret.hiopica (.LEthiopian j)ers~n answering correctly the largest nmnber of questions during the three months ending May 20th, and others. The above will bear a moderate law, which in that respect followed the canon Jaw, a,mount.of ga.s to be burned in the room. Where a person found by inquest to be feto de se (a sell 1882. was considered as ha,ving cli.cd in inortal si!i A question on any sidiject, provided it is of gmeral little or no gas is used most hardier greenhouse felon) his remains ~were to be interred in the public interest. may be asl~ed, and eacli qiwstion will ue plunts will do well\ depending on the knowledge and 1mUislted in this colwmn. Time wi?l be given to the and care with wh~cn they are cultivated, such as highway without the rites of Chri~tian burial readers of 'frT-BITS to repl11, and jailing such reply Pelargoninms, Geraniumi:, Fuchsias, Camellias, This was abolished by 4 Geo. IV. c. 52, and aj&.~ Arn.leas, l:lyacintha, Tulips, and other Dutch de se is now buried in a churchyard, or other we skall ourselves answer the questions.

Replies must be sent in not later than dgltt days flow:cr roots. }'or baskets: Ivy-leaved Gera,niums, place where he might have been bmied if he had Climbing Trop~uolums (Nasturtiums), Sn.xifraga not been afelo de se, but the interment must take from publU:ation of questions.

It is de5irable, though not necessary, to give sarmcntosa (~\Iother of Thousands) ; and for place between 9 and 12 at night without any of tha, window sills, outside, Lysimachia nummubria rites of Christian burial. The practice of buryin: aiithority for replies. 'l.'lte names of competitors will not be puUlislied (Crcepi:1g J cnny) is much grown in London. For suicides a,t cross roads arose from the ancieni darker room~, or where more gas is used, it is best practice of erecting a cross at such places. Thost exce-pt that of tite winner.

All questions and answers to be marked, "Inquiry to depend on closed Wardian fern cases or bell who were excluded from holy rites were piously glasse~, ,\·here most greenhouse or ha,rdy ferns buried at the foot of the cross erected on the Column." can ca~ily be grown, and need water only about puLlic road, as the :place next in sanctity t~ once a month except during hot summer weather. consecrated ground. lt was an old superstitiOP QUES'i'IONS. One of the best is Pteris cretica, green or varie- that the devil danced at cross roads· hence tl1e 110. How many pounds of butter does a cow gated ; aho Polystichnm setosum, Scolopen- erection of a cross thereat to prevent such unseemlJ yield per annum 1 drium vulp;arc varieties. Little succulents are pmctices. From this super~tition also arose tb1 custom of driving a stake through the suicide't Ill. Wha.t. country in Europe has pillar-boxes also very interesting, and rarely need water.(b) No plant grower would advise using lime or body; this being to prevent the devil going off wit~ best adapted to secure the safety of letters! the body.-Inl'lato'slawsthemunlcrcrof any of hi!, 112. In what year was ·«lass iutroduccd into soot among compost for pots especin.lly in the near kin, after being put to death, is to be "cast ou\ hands of an amateur, who shouid avoid such fancy England, and when was it first manufactured in nostrums. 'fhe best soil for general purposes i;;;loam of the city, naked, in an agpointca place where thr<>A this country 1 from a pasture or meadow where the grass grows roads meet· and let all tnc rna.gistrat,es, in behall 113. Wha.t were the Vchmgerichtc ~ green and is healthy, cut about three inches deep. of the whole State, carry each a stone and hurl i' 114. What number of convictions for capital lf it be Jaicl together a few months all the better, at the head of the dead body." I h:.we reason t, offences have there been in twenty years (soy l SGl- so tlrnt :ill the fibre can more easily be broken up believe that the last person subjected to thi!

1880), and ·what proportion of the sentences have and mixed with the soil, and so that it would pass barbarous ceremony was the wretched parricid1 through a sieve one to two inch mesh, according and suicide, Griffiths, who was buried at the cm been cr.rried out 1 to i;ize of plant. Some things require more or road formed by Eaton-street, Grosvenor Pinc• 115. Which were the last battles fought in lci-:s 11eat, and all do well with a proportion. This and the King's Road, as late as June, 1823 England, Scotland, and Ireland 1 can be procured good in small quantities from the Imagine such a scene in the "centre of civilisation 116. How many eggs has a f:almon been known nurserymen or seed shops only. Good well-rotted only sixty years ago. to produce in a seasen 1 ho1se dung, say from half to one-sixth of the 85. Dr. Adam Clark t rflces the inhabitants a 117. Is the curfew bell atill in use m Engla.nd- whole, with silver or commoner sand about one- North America to J aphcth (enlargement), wh& tenth, are all that is necessary for growing any if so, where 1 sorts of wiudow or greenhouse pla1~ts. If fancy seed spread eastward over Asia., westward ov, 118. Wh:1t is tilo origin of the exprc~sion "Under manures arc tried, the finest in the world, and Europe. He rays .Japheth's posterity not 01tl the rose 1" \rith which arc grown ma1~y of the wonderful crossed to America by '\rny of Kamsc-ha.tka acroo 119. What would be a safe and cffe<;tual means plants sent to Covent Garden market, is pure Behring's Straits but proba,bly found their w.r1 of removing tattoo marks from the hands or urine from cow-sheds, in proportion of a pint to thither westward from Europe by N ewfound.lan~ 86. The fastest train in the world is the Scoti:I two ga,llons of clear, or for gross feeders, such as arms1 chrysanthemums, one part to six of \vater. This express, leaving London at 10 a.m. daily. .Time 120. Who was Prest.er John 1 must only be given with great caution, and only fao:n London to Grantham, 1051: miles, in twohom 121. V1That is the best cure for nervousness 1 nine minutes; Grantham to York, 82.r miles, when plants are in an active state of growth.

82. The custom of throwing an old shoe after a one hour forty minutes; hut which performs REPLIES. person is still in many rural districts believed to part of the journey (between London and Pet< Qfl. -191 'Jessels, having a tonnage of 430,618, propitiate success, as in the case of servants seeking borough) at the rate of 75 miles an hour; a SpC>! p:1sscd through the Suez Canal in the year 1870. or entering upon situations, or about to be married. not equalled by any regular train in tne worl The numLcr gradually increased up to lil77, when But it may be que~tioned whether the old shoe b:>ing about 5 miles an hour faster than any otlt. ] ,Gfi l vessel~, with a tonnai?e of 2,2f>l,55C, passed has been thrown for luck only, and we are rather English train, and 10 miles an hour foster th: t 1; rnugh. :From thr.t time t11e trnilic of the ca,nal inclined to agree with l\Ir. 'l'hrupp in "Notes and any run in the United States, and far exceedu h.1;; ~ho"·n a.n a,nnual decrease, beingQueries," No. 182, that in Scri1Jturc "the receiving any on the continent. The :werage of the quick~ of a shoo was an evidence and symbol of asserting trains in England is 36} miles; in France 31 mik, 'l'onm1;..;e.

Tcar. No. of \'Css2Js. lSiS ... l,59:l ... 3.201,5:!5 or accepting domiuion or ownership; the giving in Belgium the quickest trains run from 29 187\l •.. 1,177 ... ;,{,~;!,1 ,!H 2 back of a shoe the symbol of rejecting or resigning 35 miles an hour, the slowest from 18 to 23 mil' 1880 ..• 1,350 (abt.) ... 3,UOO,vOO (i\bt) it." The latter is evidenced in Deuteronomy xxv., in Prussia the quickest 29 miles, the slowest 17 21 miles; ih Austria the quickest from 20 to • 71. The four railwa,y stations in England having whore the ceremo~y of a widow rejecting her miles, the slowest 14 to 21 miles; in Bavaria ff husband's brother in marriage is by loosing his the largest span arealong the Rhine the quickest 24 to 32 miles, I shoe from off his foot, and in Ruth we see that slowest 1. St. Pm1cras, London ... ........ 226 feet.

13 to 24 miles; in Italy the quickest 24 "it was the custom in Israel concerning changing, 2. Nc\~-sLrcet, Dirminglrn.m ...... 212 ,, 30 miles, the slowest 15 to 24 miles. that a man plucked off his shoe and delivered it to 3. Central, Manchcstcr ............ 210 ,, 87. The church in Europe with the greare his ncighbom." Hcnc~ Mr. 'fhrupp suggests that 4. Cannon-street, London .........200 ,, " the throwing a shoe after a bride was a symbol number of aisles is the ca.thcdrn.l of Notre D3.!Th 73. A list of the funds in Chancery, with the of renunci?.tion of dominion a,ncl authority over in Antwerp. This church is the only one t names of the persons originally entitled, was pub- her by her father or guardia,n ; and the receipt of Europe with six aisles. li::;hcd in a supplement to the London Gazette of the shoe by the bridegroom-even if accidenmlthe 23rd of J unc, 1881, a copy of :which can be was an omen that the authority was transferred to obtained through any stationer for a shilling.

A PREACHER advocating the support of him." 'l'ennyson writes :charitable object, prefaced the circulat10n of tt 80. There is probably no longer word in the "For this thou shalt from all things seek, boxes with this address : "From the great syr Welsh language (except the name of a place) than Marrow of mirth and laughter; pathy I ha,ve witnessed in your countenancr "Sa,lmanyrclwysynyramalwch" (Psalms of the .Ancl wheresoe'er thou move, good luck there is only one thing I am afraid of-that soIL Church in the desert).

Shall tluow !~er old shoe after." of ¥OU may feel inclined to give too mitcli. Noi 81. (a) Some of the most durable plants for 83. In order to pass through the longest course it is my duty to inform you that justice shouL window culture are Vallota (Amaryllis purpurea, in tho human body (and return to the point from always be a prior virtue to generosity ; therefor or Scarborough lily, a bright red flower in it started) a particle of blood must leave I wish to have it thoroughly understood, that a which August), Epiphyllum (Cactus), Truncatum, and the heart by the aorta and traverse the arteries person will think of _Putting anything into tJ: others, with most sorts of succulents, Spirrea box who cannot pay his debts." The result was a . (Hotteia) japonica, grown out after flowering till which supply the alimenmry canals, spleen, and overflowing collection.

O~tober. .Ficus Elastic..1. (India-rubber plant), pancreas. It then enters, firstly, the ca.nillaries

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1882.

he capillaries of tho 11g throHgh the right ies of the lungs, from de, and eventually to ~

suicide is a crime my); and at common llowed the canon law~ be lelo de se (a selt i1g aied in mortal sin, iterred in the public of Christian burial. '· IV. c. 52, and o,jelo churchyard, or other een bmied if he hall interment must take ht without o,ny of the lie practice of burying se from the ancient t such places. Those oly rites were piously cross erected on the next in sanctity to ,s an old superstition ross roadsh· hence tlw prevent sue unseemly ·f<tition also arose the through the suicide's he devil going off with emunlercrof any of hil:I ieath, is to be "cast out intcil place wiiere three magistrates, in behalf 1.ch a stone and hurl it y." I have reason to ;on subjected to this he wretched parricide wn.s bnried at the cross cet, Grosvenor Place, ~ late as June, 1823.

1 I" centre of civili~ation ' ces the inhabitants of 1 ( enl arge-ment ), whose r Asia, westward over ,h's })Osterity not only ' of Kamschatka across bably found their way ·ope by Newfoundland, ;he world is the Scotch ; 10 a.m. daily. Timed 105:! miles, in two hours to York, 82t miles, in but which performs ll en London and Peter· miles an hour a speed tlar train in the world, tr faster than any other les an hour faster than tates, and far exceeding 1 average of the quickest iles; in France 31 miles; trains run from 29 to est from 18 to 23 mile~ ; miles, the slowest 17 t o iJ.Uickest from 20 t o 2f> 1 miles; in Bavaria and est 24 to 32 miles, the Italy the quickest 24 to ) 24 miles. rope with the greates thedml of Notre Dame, ·eh is the only one i

,ing the support of d the circulation of th : "From t he great sym· in your countenance ttm afraid of- that som to give too mitch. Now. you that justice shoul· t.o generosity ; therefore ghly understood, t hat n tting anything into th lebts." The result was

-

Arnn, 22, 1882.

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TIT-BITS .

7

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SCIENTIFIC PRACTICAL JOKING. Mn. F-- is a practical joker. IIe seems to have irnparterl much of that character to everyone around him. His ~crvants are all admirably disciplined to ~ccond his whinrn, and his furnitme is, for the most part, adapted to the same purpose.

U'pon my arrival, for instance, after receiving rnc with mnrh cordiality, ho invited me to sit down in a.n ca;iy chair, bnt I had scarcely complied when I i;t<1rtccl with horror from my scat, upon the suppo~ition that I had crushed a whole lit t.cr of kitten~ to death, so completely were the rninf:led and discordant tones of the animals imilnkd by tho mechanism of the chair. 'fhis 111.t me on my guard, and there was hardly anytliing in the room afterwards that I did not touch with apprehension. No other trick, however, wa.s prncti!;~d u\1on me ; ancl, a~ I found subsequently, l was mcle >tcd for sucn mdulgcnce to one that w.i..4 reserved for me at night, and was such a.~, p,.;rhnpll, all my English iihlegm would not have 1:11ablccl me to hear with pa,tience. I escaped, however,. from Leing put to the proof by the merest accident-the arrival of a poor Scotch i;urvcyor, who was thought a fitter subject for the often rq•eatcd exrvrimcnt. :My substitute was treated with extreme hospitality ; he was helped to everything with excess; his glass was never allowed to b'tand full or empty for one minute. 'l'he potations were suspended not until, and only "11ile, the cloth was laying for supper, during and arter which they were resumed with devoted energy. Our entertainer wa.<.1 like the landlord dcscribc1l by Addison : tho liquor seemed to have no other effect upon him than upon any other vessel in the house. It was not so with his Scotch guest, who by this time was "hu.lf-scas over." In tl1is i;tate he was conducted to his chamber-a finr, lofty, Gothic npartmeut, with a bedstead that lit'l:mcd coeval with tho building. I say seemed, for that was hy no means the case, it being in rc.ility a modern piece of fornituro. It was of dark mahogany, with its four posts extending completely to the ceiling. The bed, however, was not more than 2 feet from the floor, the better to cnalilc the party to got into it. The Scotchman, wilh a good deal of assistance, hud his body 11olitic tlcpo~ited in this place of repose. All thP. 1mrty then ietired wishing him a good night and removing the candle for fear of accidents. When tho door was closed I was first made acquainted with the structure of the bedstead, which ou1· host concidcrcd as his masterpiece. Upon the touching of a spring outside the door tho bed was so acted upon by a pulley that it ascended slowly and quietly through the four posts until it came witl1in 2 feet or 3 feet of the ceiling. The snoring of the Hc1°tchman was the signal for touching the ~ring, and he was soon at the proper altitude. In one 111omcnt the house was in an uproar ; cries of "Fire ! fire ! " were heard in different directions.

A pile of shavings was set ablaze opposite the window where poor Sawney slept. F -- 's voice wa.~ continually heard exclaiming, "Good heavens! &wc the poor Scotch gentleman, if possible ; the 11u mes have just got into the room beneath him ! " 1\ t this moment we heard him fall, and bellow out.

A sudden silence t ook place-every Ught was extinruished, and the whole house seemed t o be buric~ in the most profound repose. The Scotchman's voice could alone be hear d, roaring out in t he high dialect of his country for assistance. At length two of the men servants, in their shirts cutcrcd t he room, with a candle just lit, and1 y:mning, rui if immediately aroused from their first 1;lecp. They found him sprawling on the tloor. "Lord bless us, sir, what is the matter with you l" "Matter ! " says he · "Why isn't the J10nso on fire1" " God forbid, sir." 1' What was the rC?Son of th(cries of ' Fire, fire,' then 1"·"Bless you, sir, you must have been dreaming ! Why, there is not rui much rui a mouse stirring." The Scot?hman now gave up all credit in the testimony of Ins own senses. "I must ha' been dreaming indeed, and ha' hurt myself by falling out of t he bed." "Hurt yourself, sir 1 Not much, I hope · the bed is so low ; " and by this time t he bed had

been made to descend to its first level. The Scot was quite confused and a.~hamed at disturbing the family; begged a thousand pardons?. accompanied t he servants to the door, closed it aiter them, and was left once more in the dl\rk. But the last act in the pantomime was not yet performed. 'l'he spring had been immediately touched upon closing the door, and the bed was soon beyond the reach of our guest. We could hear him groving about, and uttering frequent ejaculations of astonishment. He easily found the bed posts, but it was in vain he endeavoured to get in. He moved his hands up and down. His leg was often lifted by way of ~tepping in, but always encountered the floor on its descent. He uttered " curses, not loud but deepi" for fear of again distnrLing the family.

He cone uded himself to be in possession of the d-1. In short, when it was found by his silence that he had given up the task as hopeless, and had disposed of himself on one of the chairs, the bed wa.g allowed to slide down again ; and in the morning Sawney. could not but exprcs~ ~is astonishment at not havmg been able to find 1t m the dark.

QG<~l<Q619Q

WINlTING A BET. Sm GEORGE BEAUMONT, when a young man, was one day in the Mount-a famous coffee-house in Mount-street, Grosvenor Square-with Harvey Aston. Various persons were seated at different tables. Among others present, there was an Irishman, who was very celebrated as a duellist, haviug killed about half-a-dozen antagonists. Aston, talking to some of his acquaintances, swore tho.t he would make the duellist stand barefooted before them. "You had better take care what you say," they replied · "he has his eye upon you."

"No matter,i. rejoined Aston ; "I declare again he shall stand barefooted before you, if you will make up a purse. They did so. Aston then said in a lollll tone of voice-" I have been in Irtiland and am well acquainted with the natives." The lrishman was all ears. Aston went on-" The I1ish, being in bogs, arc every one of them webfooted.

I know it for a fact." "Sir,'' roared the duellist, starting up from his table, "it is false !" .l\ston p,ersisted 111 ~is assertion. " Sir,". cried the other, 'I was born· m Ireland, and I will prove to you that it is a falsehood." So saying, in great haste ho pulled off his shoes and str..ckings, and displayed his bare feet. The joke ended in Aston's sharing the purse between the Irishman and him~elf. ~G~Z""""

before she could stop him. Jim was about to leave the house, never thinking that his spouse intended following him. She, however, went to the door, too, anrl then he saw she was going to be a woman of her word. Then a bright idea for stopping her little game struck him. He threw both hi~ arms round her most affectionately, and just when she thou"'ht he wa~ going to say " God blcs.~ you, la.ss, tha shalt goa w1' me,'' he backed her up against the wringing machine and, before she could say "Jack H.obinson,'' took hold of her skirts behind, put them between the wringing machine rollers, turned the handle, wound her up tightly, and then removed the big wheel and handle, and put them gently under the baking table out of her reach. Se.rah protested ($ainst being wrung out in this way, but .Jm1, with a great horse lau~h, retorted," That's how to tame thee,'' and then he walked out of the house, locked the door on the outside; put the key under the broken part or the door, and took his departure. Now, here was a. nice predicament for a wife to be in. Her skirts were wound up so tightly she could not reach round to try and release herself ; they were herbest clothes, and she didn't care to tear herself away and spoil them. There she stood for two hours, and then happened another event, which although it led to her release, was not calculated to improve her temper. At four o'clock she heard at the door the knocks, and then the voice of a. lady friend, who, by previous arrangement, had come to tea. It was no use pretending to be not at home ; she could not stay in that position all the evening, and so, sobbing1she called out, "lifaryf put thi hand under t' door tor t' key, and open it.'

Mary did as she was bid, and thou to her great surprise, she found instead of tea being ready, Sarah, with red eyes, caught by the tail in the new wife trap, and the fire out. Mary couldn't help laughing ; who could 1 Then Sarah laughed, and when Mary had got over the first paroxysm of merriment she ~ot the big wheel and put it on the machine, turned the handle and libernted Sarah, whose skirts were considerably wrinkled. Sarah told between her tears of the conduct of her Jim, and then went to the middle drawer of the baking table and noticed that not the half-crown, but the half-sovereign was gone. Tea was prepared, an extra strong cup was brewed, and Sarah dried her eyes.

QG,lg~Qli<G,lO

A MIRACULOUS STORY. T1rn followin_g_ . extraordinary anecdote is related

Captain Kincaid's "Handom Shots from a.

A NEW USE FOR A WRINGING M.11GHINE. in Rifleman :"IT sometimes happens that by an accident or sudden birth of a bright idea, a discovery is made that an article constructed for a certain purpose, can be utilised to advantage for a purpose that the i~ventor neYcr had the remotest idea of. This was the case at Lockwood (\ ahort time ago. In that locality a number of ru~n live who believe that they can be as religiously impressed by the beauties of Nature which pass before the view during a country walk on a Sunday, as they would be by listening to a sermon in a church or chapel.

To carry out their views more pleasantly, they band themselves together to take a country walk on Sunday afternoons, and the cardinal rule of this denomination is that he who chooses the walk should spend half-a-crown when it is his turn. It happened one Sunday recently for certain party's turn t o choose the direction of the walk, and he wanted half-a-crown from his wife for the "collection" at the close. Now Sarah had had enough of this sort of t hing, and she vowed, "Wheer tha goes I'll goa," ancl set about putting on her Sunday et ceteras for the purpose. Jim st arted, !t)1d said "Nonsense, tha nivver will ; " but she persisted that " she wod, though." When both were fully attired, Jim went to the middle drawer of the long table, where he knew Sarah happened t o have a half-sovereign and half-a-crown put by for t he rent due the following day, and he took something out

To those accustomed to the vicissitudes of warfare, it is no less cmious to remark the many miraculous escapes from wounds than the recovery from them. As an instance of the former, I may observe that, in the course of the action just related (S:i.bugal), I was addressing a passing remark to an officer near me, who, in turning round to answer, raised his right foot, and I observed a grape shot teo,r up the print which it had but that instantlcftin the mud. As an instance of the latter I shall here relate that, at the storming of Badajos~ in Aprilf 1812, one of our officers got a musket-ball. in tie right ear, which came out at the back of the neck, and, though after a painful illness, he recovered, yet his head got a. twist, and he was compelled to wear it, looking over the right shoulder. At the battle of Waterloo, in 1815 (havin~ been upwards of three years with his neck awry), he received a shot in the left ear, which came out within half an inch of his former wound in the back of his neck, and it set his head straight again!

This is an anecdote which I should scarcely have dared to relate were it not that, independent of my persono.l knowledge of ~the facts, the hero of it still lives t o speak for hunself, residing on his property, in Notting:hamshire, alike honoured and respected as a civilian, as he was loved and esteemed as a 1rentleman and a aallant soldier.

8

TIT-BITS."

APiiit 22, 18S2~

POLITE TO THE POLICEJIAN.

QUEEN ELIZ.A.BETH'S SILK STOCKINGS.

THE TWO BROTHERS.

"TALK about bold bank burglaries," said a member of the police force, "the 'cutest theft I ever lieard of was the robbery of a bank down in :Rhode Isln.nd six or seven years ago. It was a bitter cold ni&ht, and a night patrolman noticed a dim light in tne bank window, and going up to the door rapped. 'Is that you, patrolman ~'asked a voice from within. 'Yes,' was the reply. 'Step in and get a heat,' said the voice from within.

The patrolman stepped inside, and encountered a dapper little fellow wearing a green shade over l1is eyes and a pen behind his ear. 'You're 'Working late to-night,' said the patrolman. 'Yes,' roid tlte dapper little fellow, ' I ve been detained to-night straightening up accounts.' The patrol:man warmed himself at the roaring big fire that blazed on the hearth, and went out again on his beat. An hour after the patrolman came that 'l\vay, and, still seeing the light through the window, ;rapped again. 'Is that yon, patrolman 1' 'Ycs.' "' Come in and warm yourself.' 'fhe patrolman 13-ccepted the invitation. 'It's a howling cold \night,' said the man with a green shade over his eyes. ' You bet,' said the patrolman. So he took another heat and returned to his beat. He was :rnther surprised next day to learn that his fireside friend of the night before had got away with some $90,000 of the bank's funds."

MEZERAI asserts that they were first worn by Henry II. of France, at the marriage of his sister, in 1559; but before that, Edward VI. had graciously accepted a pair from that merchant prince Sir Thomas Gresham, who imported them from Spain, the land where they were first manufactured. 'fhe story goes, that a loyal-minded grandee, the happy possessor of one of the first pairs of silk stockings made in Spain, thought he could not do better than present the novel utilities to his queen, and to that end placed them in the hands of the first minister of the crown, greatly to the discomposure of that modest man, who astonished the innocent-meaning noble by returning him his stockings, and bidding him remember that "the Queen of Spain had no legs." Our own Elizabeth, not ashamed to own that she had legs, received a similar gift in a very different manner. Soon after her accession, her Ma,jesty) silkwoman, Mistress Montague, tendered as her New Year's gift, a pair of knitted black silk stockings,-the first of the kind made in England. Elizabeth lost no time in putting the gift to its proper use, and was so pleased with the result that she sent for Mrs. Montague, and inquired where she procured such comfortable foot gear, and if she could get any more like them.

"I made them very carefully, of purpose only for your Majesty,'' replied the silkwoman, "and seeing these please you so well, I 路will presently set more in hand." "Do so," quoth the queen, "for indeed I like silk stockings so well, because the,Y are J?leasant, fine, and delicate, that henceforth I will wear no more cloth stockings." And she kept her royal wordi.. and would have laughed at the economy of the 1nargrave John of Custrin, who, seeing one of his councillors wearing silk stockings on a week-day, said to him, "Barthold, I have silk stockings too, but I wear them only on Sundays and holidays."

THE Count de Ligniville and Count deAutriconrt. twins, descended from an ancient family in Lorraine, resembled each other so much that when they put on the same kind of dress, which they did now and then for amusement, their servants could not distinguish the one from the other. 'l'heir voice, gait, and deportment the same, and thesemarksof resemblanceweresoperfect, that they often threw their friends and even their wives into the greatest embarrassment. Being both captains of light horse, the one would put himself at the head of the other's squadron without the officers ever suspecting the change. Count'D'Autricourt having committed some crime, the Count de Ligniville never suffered his brother to go out without accompanying him, and the fear of seizing the innocent instead of the guilty rendered the orders to arrest the former of no avail. One day Count de Ligniville sent for a barber, and after having suffered him to shave one half of his beard, he pretended to have occasion to go into the next apartment and put his night-gown upon his brother! who was concealed there, and taking the cloth. which he had about his neck under his chin, made h im sit down in the place he had just quitted. The barber immediately resumed his operation, and was proceeding to finish what he had begun, as he supposed; but to his great astonishment, he found that a new beard had SJ?rung up. Not doubting that the person under his hands was the devil, he roared out with terror, and sunk down in a swoon on the floor. Whilst they were endeavouring to call him to life, Count de Autricourt retired again into the cl0set, and Count de Ligniville, who was half-shaved, returned to his former place. This was a new cause of surprise to the poor barber, who now imagined that all he had seen was a dream, and he could not be convinced of the truth until he beheld the two brothers together. 'l'he sympathy that subsisted between the two brothers was no less singular than their resemblance. If one fell "sick , the other was indisposed also; if one received a wound the other felt pain ; and this was the case with every misfortune that befell them, so that on that account they watched over eaGh other's conduct with the greatest care and attention. nut what is still more astonishing, they both had often the same dreams. The day that Cotmt de Autricourt was attacked in France by the fever of which he died, Count de Ligniville was attaclrnd by the same in Bavaria, and was near sinking under it.

4'99(!,)999Q

CASES OF CIRCUJISTANTI.A.L EVIDENCE,

WILLIAM SHAW, a respectable tradesman of Edinburgh, was blessed with a daughter who had formed a foolish attachment for a young man of bad character. Naturally enough, the father objected to the whole business. 'l'he foolish young woman, growingdesperatei stabbed herself. When in the throes of death, in t ie presence of witnesses, her father appeared, and before expiring she 4;Qg~ggg~ uttered the words: "Cruel father, thou art the cati~e of my death!" The father1 at this accusation, was sai4 to exhibit great agitation. On the POTTEIJ POETRY. evidence, then, of the dau~hter's dying speech, and the decided altrm wluch he displayed, the unfortunate father was condemned to the gallows. WHAT do we want in this rapid age but the Apparently no evidence could be more conclusive; essence, the soul, so to sr.eak of a poem 1 Take a but still, be it remembered, it was only "ap- very well known one, " The Yillage Blacksmith." l)arently." It was simply, after all, going on the Why, what do we want with those superfluous question of precedent. It was only a presumption adjectives, &c. Thus:of fact grounded on a general belief that the con1, fession of a dying person may always be taken for Unde1路 a tree granted to be true. But circumstances proved A smithy stands, The smith is muscufar c therwise. A year or so afterwards, as a new And has large hands. tenant of Shaw's former apartments was rummaging by chance in the room in which Catherine 2.

Shaw had died, he accidentally discovered a paper Ills hair is black and long which had fallen into a cavity on one side of the 11'ace colour of tan; ~himncy. It was folded as a letter, and on being lle perspires at work, opened the followiIJg confession was brought to And eams all 110 can; light: "Barbarous Father,-Your cruelty having And is independent, put it out of my power CV(lr to join my fate to Cash down being his plan, that of the only man I could love, and tyrannicaliy insisting upon my marrying one whom I .always 3 and 4. hated, has made me form a resolution to put an His hammer and bellows ~nd to an existence which is become a burden to Swing nncl roar, me. I doubt not I shall find mercy in another Pleasing the youngsters world, for sure no benevolent Biiing can require Who look in at his door, that l should live any longer in torment to myself And lark so muchIIe finds it o. bore. in this. My death I lay to your charge. When you read this, consider yourself as the inhuman 5 and 6. wretch that plunged the murderous knife into IIe goes to church on Snnday, the bosom of the unhappy Catherine Shaw."

AJJd hP-ars his daughter sing, Another case mio路ht be quoted : the famous trial Thinks "llow like her mother, and conviction of Bradford, the innkeeper. Here Who's dead, poor thing !" the evidence which produced conviction consisted And cries, for rnch thoughts of the fact that he was seen standing with a Lloody llis feelings wring. knife in his hand over the body of the murdered ! man. Bradford was executed; but by a death7 and 8. bed confession of guilt it subsequently became Ileing n blncksmith, known th:i.t tue real murderer was the servant of He works the week through; l1i8 victim, who had been tempted to the crime by Ileing a man, he has ups and dowus, the ki10wlcdge that his unfortunate m:.tstcr was i So must we too; carryiag a considerable sum of monl'y about his I And must always expect them, P~rson.

I Who.tever we do l

VQ9QC@QQ

WrrAT class in the social scale comes after nursery maids 7 Soldiers. gggg

YouNG ladies : "Going to make a flower bed here, Smithers~ Why, it'll quite spoil our tennis ground." Gardener: "Well, that's your pa's orders, miss. He'll hev it laid out for ' 'Orticultur,' not for ''Usbandry.' " gggg

ONE day, when a celebrated barrister was on his way to Westminster Hall with his large bag full of bTiefs, he was impudently accosted by a boy, who asked him if he was a dealer in old clothes. "No," replied the barrister, "these arc all new suits. ~ggQ

Ir:vrna and a party of friends and fellow-actors among them J. L. Toole, had organised an uproarious supper at an hotel in Dundee. The night was far advanced when the waiter was told to ask his master for the bill. He left the room accordingly, and tlie moment he was gone, the actors turned out the gas, ol)ened the windows, and hid under the tables. '!.' ie 'Yaiter returned, and supposing the gentlemen had decamped to avoid payin~, aroused the household, '"ho came in a body, but not before the party had seated themselves as before.

ArnrL 2

THE 'THE

following

to be the be:> 1.hc prize. A :forwarded to

Jlawnby, Heh:

THE G. <r1rn match""' ~fr.

Hunn offo ]lauks could ~ t-1inglc strotch, 1 he <lid not kno .ns a talker, l.n .couldn't hol<l h ing when she w t:dkcd a little. l I nna to pay f, fir:st, an<l Bank fir:st. When t . .suggested that! training, lmt ] that if Mr;;. RA: "tuiet it would in .Mr. Jfunn'::; <>ppositc to ea路 given Mr;-;. 13 .rnmarks about l>rokc off i;hor 11er mouth re. impulse to fini found silcnC'c J lmrn stmtcd t, Jtersclf, sho tur -was clearing he ..<;lakes upon th ]!auks objected ingenuity, start .spring bonnets, that .Mrs. llum -chair to rcstraiJ .nbsolutely pale ~ 'l'his having Ji sation on the j diabolical _purpq WC(l.kcst pomt. .'f<lrain upon he~ Violent twitchi1 mnsclcs of her .a moment that ]~anb snddcnlYj iablo half a dozo .nn<l this seemed that she became Mrs. Hunn, m <.\ars. She recog hricf discussion <l incapacity of sel t;ions of th cil' v tc~lant.<; held out tho cupboard, ari <H1 it " I must s Bm1ks i;aid it w; j.n to u.n cxtravag~ ~ervant girl, wl.~ l1l'r.amc partly hl ]1olilin rr her toni:11arallc1cu Lruta upon Uie carpet. chair nnd shoo] laughed she flew knots an hour hchwing wildl.11 1-<nccm11h, Lnt sh bu.t she dicl11't en' Hanks;' little ''~itin g for his p &lw him a haPPY1

PJ?IL

22,

1882~

APRIL

22, 1882.

TIT·BITs.

9 '""'"""=============== :~----=--

OTHERS. Count de Autricourt, ancient family in ter so much that when of dress, which they 1ement, their servants one from the other. ·tment the same, and eresoperfect, that they . even their wives into Being both captains d put himself at the 11 without the officers Count'D'Autricourt rime, the Count de is brother to go out ~nd the fear of seizing 1 guilty rendered the )f no avail. One day )r a barber, and after i one half of his beard, on to go into the next tight-gown upon his there, and taking the r3 neck under his chin, te place he had just .ediately resumed his ing to finish what he :d; but to his great Lat a new beard had ~hat the person under roared out with terror, on the floor. ·w11ilst call him to life, Count n into the cl0set, and was half-shaved, reThis was a new cause •er, who now imaginecl a dream, and he could Lth until he beheld the ,e sympathy that subbrothers was no less >lance. If one fell 'sick 1lso ; if one received a. ' ; and this was the case , befell them, so that on r over ca.:h other's con;e and attention. But Lng, they both had often y that Count de Autrirance by the fever of Ligniville was attac\ced and was near sinking •@lillil

cial scale comes after ~

to make a :flower bed

,'11 quite spoil our t ennis

Well, that's your pa's aid out for ''Orticultur,'

>rated barrister was on Hall with his large bag tpudently accosted by a 110 was a dealer in old ~he barrister, "these are ~Q

friends and fellow-actors ~. had organised an U]Jel in Dundee. The night 110 waiter was told to ask He left the room accordhe was gone, the actors ed the windows, and hid ~·aiter returned, and suphad decamped to avoid tsehold, ''"ho came in a ; party had seated them-

THE PRIZE TIT-BIT. 'THE

following has been judged by the arbitrators

to be the best sent in, and has therefore gained 1.he prize. A cheque for One Guinea has been forwarded to the sender, Mr. A. THOMPSO~, Ifawnby, Hclmslcy, Yorkshire,

THE GREAT SILENCE MATCH.

out and paid Mrs. Jones, next door, a daUar to spank Harry, and to do it in front of the window where Mrs. Banks sat. When Mr. Hunn saw l\~rs. Banks rise right up and charge throufSh the side door upon Mrs. Jones he felt that he might as well throw. up tl~e sponge ; but as M_rs. .Jones succeeded m gettmg away before the rnd1gnant mother reached her, and as M~·s. Banks f~und th~t she cou~d expend h~r fury by mdulgencc m ~rn:nt1c pantom_nne, expressn:e of her purpo_se to anm?Ilate the entire Jones fanuly at the earI1est practicable moment, Banks bega_n to feel less confident.

Half-an-hom: had expired,_ and both contestants, although evidently suffermg ao~tely, 11cld out bra~ely.. Mr. Ht~nn saw th;:t a single ~old stroke would give the v10tory to either one side or the other. H e rang t~rn bell ~n the table. l\Irs. Hun.n's c~amberma1d came 111. She was a g_ood lookmg girl, rather uncommonly good looku~g, and .Ilfrs. Hunn was-well, homely. As the girl entered, Bunn, brute ~nd ruffian that ho "'.as, went .UP to her, put 111s arm around l~er ''"aist, and k~ssed her. Mrs. Hunn gr~w white about the hps,_ a n4 her foot beat a wild tattoo upon the fi_?or. fhen Hw~n chuc~ed the cha~nb~:maid under the chm and kissed her agam. v\ ith one bonn~l Mrs. J:Imrn. leaped between th~m, and; h~i:lmg the gi_rl ~~1~e, she screame~ qut ot tlns house tins i_.istant, you Jrnz~~,1 or Ill brea~ .every bone 111 your . b 0 ~1Y · And then tmm~:g to i::mrn, she, ,;'la11- Who wants, your old silk d:ess1 an~l10w · _rhen. she fol~o" ed the chai?b~tma1d from th~ room m a f~iy. Banks ~a~e ~~-he had los:,i..Tbu~ as. he "cnt home he wh1spu ed t? Hun?- lou ve \\On, old fellow; but I wo~tldn t be ~,n your place for the amount of the nat10nal debt.

I

A STORY OF A SOJiNAMBULIST,

Som:- years ago a Hampshire Baronet was near!; driven to distraction by the fact that, every night he went to bed in a shirt, and every morning awoke naked, without the smal1est trace of the missing garment being discovered. Hundreds of shirt,s disappeared in this mf1'Jmer; and as there was no fire in his room, it was impossible to account for the mystery. The servants believed their master to be mad; and even he be"'~m to fancy 11imself bewitched. In this conjuncture he implored an intimate friend to sleep 'in the saihe room with him, and ascertain by what manner of rnys- · terious midnight visitant his garment was so strangely removed. The friend accordinr1ly took up his station in the haunted chamber ; ~nd lo ! as the clock struck one, the unfortunate Baronet, wl~o had previously given audible intimation of bemg fast asleep rose from his bed, rekindled with a ~atch the candle which hed been extinguished, deliberately opened the door, and quitted the roon!· . . . .

His ~tomshe~ fnend followed, saw lnm open m successwn a vanety of doors, pass along seve1·al passages, traverse an open court, and eventuallyreac~1 th~ stable-)'.ard, wher~ l:e divested himself ?f lus sh.1rt and dispos~d of it m an old dungheap, mto. wlncl~ he thr?st it by ~eans of a J!itchf<?rk.

Havmg fimshed tlus extraordinary opcrat.1on without takrng. the smallest he~d of lus fnend, whe> stoo~ loo.king_ on, and plamly saw that he was walkrng m lus sleep, he returned _to t~1e house, c_arefully reclosed the doors, re-extmgmshed the hgh_t,. and returi;ed to bed, w~ere the follo,ying mornmg he !1woke as u~ual, stnpp~d of his sl!irt.

The a;stomshed eye-wi_ti~ess of tlus cxtraordrnary scene, mstead of appr1~mg the sleep-walker. of w_hat had occurred, ms1ste~ that . the .followmg !J.ight a compam.?i:i should ~1t up w.1.th him, choosmg to have add1t10nal testimony to the truth of the statement he was about to make ; and the sa;n;e singular events :we!·e renewed, wit~1out the shgube~t chan~e or devmt10n. The two witnesses, accordmgly, divulged all they had seen to the Baronet ; who,,though at first mcredulo~1s, became of course convmced when, on pro?eedmg to t)1e stable-yard, sev.eral dozen~ of shuts were dtscovered, th?ug:h it was surmised that as many more had been p1eviously removed by one of the helpers, who probably looked upon. t he hoard as stolen goods concealed by some thief.

Tim match was arranged on the followinrt basis :Mr. llunn offered to bet l\fr. Banks that l\frs.

Banks could keep absolutely silent longer, at a P.ingle stretch, th::\ll l\Crs. Hunn. Mr. Banks said, he did not knownrnch about Mrs.Hunn's capacity .as a talker, but Jte felt certain that Mrs. Banks .couldn't hold her tongue for ten minutes, exceptinrr when 1<he was asleep, and even then she always t:i.firnd a little. So _it was ag!·eed to make a trial, Hunn to pay for a silk dress if Mrs. Banks spoke f!rHt, and Banks to pay for it if Mrs. Hunn ~'lpoke first. When the match was proposed Mr. Hunn su~g~stod that the contestants should go into trauung, lmt Banks protested, upon the ground th~t if.l\frs. Bank.s got to trying too hard to keep <J.lllet it would kill her. 'l'hc contest took place in Mr: Hunn's dining-room the two lad_ies sitting <>ppos1tc to each other, \Vhen the signal was given l\Irs. Banks was in the midst of some ;remarks nbout the cheapness of calico, but she broke off short, and by holding l1er hand over NOTICE. her mouth resolutely, suppressed a powerful -:impulsc to finish the sentence. There was proA PRIZE of OJ\TE GUINEA is given e\·ery . . . ,. . . found silence for ten minutes· and then l\frs. llunn started to say_something, 'but r~membering wee~ for the best. Tit-Bit. The Prize ~it-Bit is ltorself, she turned it off by pretendmg that she published every Saturday, and One Gumca for1ms clearing her throat. l\fr. Hunn cla.imed the warded on that day to the successful competitor. stakes upon the ground that it was a foul, but Banks objected. Then Hunn, with malignant CONDITIONS. ing?nuity, started a discussion with. Banks a~out Competitions must be sent so as to arrive at sprmit bonnets, and as they talked i~ was noticed the Manchester Office of Tit-Bits, E~sex that .l\frs. Hunn had to hold on tightly to the Chambers Essex Street Manchester not later -chair to restrain herself, while l\frs.. Banks was than l\foN~AY NOON in e~ch week. A~y arriving .ab~~l~1tely I?ale fr?m suppressed emot10n. after that t ime will be 'placed in the following I)us havmg failed, Banks turned the conver- week's competition :-ation on the infamous price of butter, with a C . . · . .

I Ql919~ 1i;l@l9!1;> -0.iabolical purpose to strike Mrs. Banks in the • ompetitwns i;iust be legibly written on OI~e .

8 wenkcst pomt. It soon became apparent that the .i~e of the pa.pe~ only. Th~ Conductors of. !itA CHANCE JJIISSEJJ. t;train ui>on her nervous system was terrible. Btts reseryc th.e right to publish any Qompet1ti_on, Violent twitchings were observable about the wheth?r it gam. the Pnz". or not.. In awn;rdmg 1 muscles of her mouth, and Banks felt certain for t~e Pnze t~e ~rb:trators ~nll take. mto con 8i.der~- A BOSTON merchant who employsanancient da.rkey .q, moment that he was going to win; but l\frs. ~wn the pithi~~~s ~1•1 d mt~rest m eac~i Ttt~Bit to do odd jobs was asked for a few minutes' private ])anks suddenly arose and pounded the. dinner sent, and the~ iize "ill be.given to t he .sender of conversation. The old man be,,.an, "I wanted to ax: table half a dozen times vigorously with her fist, ~hat. on.c whlCh the arbitrators consider most fur a leetle informashun. La~ winter, when I 'rns ~nd this seemed to give such relief to her feelings mteiestmg to the general reader. gwine home, I met old Ebeneczer '\.Yri"ht, one of that she became quite calm again.

Qompetitors should state from what hook, de pillars in our church. He's bin a lectle aigcwise Mrs. Hunn, mea.ntimcj had her fingers in her perwdical, or newspaper (if any) their contribu- to me eber since de las'j d.onashun J)arty, but I .en.rs. She recognisecl t 1at as her only hope. A tion is taken. ncber saw a man melt down as he di . H e called ~ricf di~cussion of the hired girl question, ~f the Competitors are not confined to one, but may me a~ ~gitator. What, does dat mean7 I know. ir~ rncapac1ty of servants, and of the awful d1mcn- send any number of competitions sunthm good, but I cant zactly get de fnll meanm. . . · " .

"Why, he meant tlmt you were kicking up a fns~ 1" sions of their wages, followed; but both contcstants hold out, although Mrs. Hunn rushed to Comp.e~ito~~ should "Tite the words Pnze "Did he1 Fo'dclaw, butltookitde ocltlerway! Den he said I war a truckling. Did dat mean I owned the cupboard, and, getting a piece of paper, wrote Competitwn on the envelopes. <>n it ' I must scream ! I s screamingallowed 7" trucks 1" " It meant that you truckled. Y oti'n: ~~anks said. it :asn't, an~ then. Jl,fr Hu~n .b;1rst A .NEGRO being as~ed what he was in gaol for, Reen a dog _skulk along bchin~,,1,1/s rnast~r afte~: ~ie m~o nn ex~~ava"ant culo0 y o~ Mis. Hunn_~ prnsent said 1~ was for borrowmg money. '.'But," said the ~rn.s been k1;,ke<l, haven t you. In co,msc I h,"',' c.

-Re1vant gn_l, wit~ sJch effect that. l\Ir" Hu~n questioner, "they don't put people m gaol for bor- Did h~ railly i_nean dat 1 ~e . ol~ "~man,,a;L I bcca~n~ partly h!stenc1l. But she succc~ded m rowing money 1" "Y cs," said the darkey, "but I had ~~uldi: ~ make it out, but_ we ~ou,.,ht it m-.s be holdm,, her ton0 1;1c. And then Hunn, with .un- to knock do man down free or fo' time;> before he fll;lnthm sweet. Den he remarked that I,, ''.ar. a bigot. '\!as clat abuse!" "I should .s~y.so. '·Did paralleied lirutaltty, act.ually expectorated nght would lend it men upon the carpet. Mrs. Hunn bounded from her · ~<>IQ~ hemcanbadwhenhecalledmeafawnm stckerphant <:hair and shook her fist at him, and when he and:a fos~ilisod corm tionist 7" "He ccrta_inly clic~; laughed she flew round the room at the rate of 60 NAMES FOR THE_ ]l,foNTIIS.-A late wit at the · 'Mauy men have bcenfmockeddownfor sayrng less. knots. an h<?ur dishevelling her back hair and time when the revolutionary names of th ~ months "Fo' de law, put how ye ~alk! ,An~ it po~siblc da~ hehavrng mld!y. Hunn thought she would (Thcrmidor Floreal Nivose &c.) were adopted in I stood dar an took dat all man smiled an la ffeel an snccmnb, _bu~ she. didn't. It nearly choked her, :!<,ranee, pror)oscd to' extend 'the innov;:tion to our actually asked ~le ole man to s~cl~ in somewl.1::n" an' bl'.L she ~1r~n t ennt a soun::l. . . own language, somewhat on the follow mg model:- h'.lve agla8sof cider 1 Why_, sah,if dhad de slt~hte~;t I?11:nkH httJe Harry was playmg m the yard, hmt _of what. he meant, l 1d have crusl!e~l lnm to 1~,·cczy, 1'ncczy, l3r007.\", Wheezy; ~3.ltn\g for lns parents to come out, and when he ' Showc1·y Lowerv flowc1y Ilowcry · pnlp lll five mmutcs,sah--de worst-lookm ~mlp you Raw him a happy thou~ht struck Banks. He went l Snowy, Frowr, Bl0>~;. Glo~vy. ' ever sot eyes on! Law, what a chance I missed!"

1

I

10

TIT-BITS.

REMARKABLE

TRIALS.

No. 6.

RENEE CORBEATJ.

...

Mucrr has been said and written a,,o-ainst the inconstancy of certain lovers without having the effect of diminishing this evil custom to which lonrr u&1Pe appears to have lent its authority. Are we ~ot t~erefore justified in looking upon Love as a sort of witchcraft, as the same person whom it causes us to regard as a sort of divinity, appears to us, as soon as the charm is dispelled, as 8: very ordinary person 1 The young lady whose lustory we arc about to give would have shared the fate of so many of her sex who had bee!1 jilted by their lovers, had not h er strong affect10n and ~er great ingenuity found means to avert so dire a calamity.

In 159-!, a young nobleman whose name we are not able to give, a native of the town of Sees, in N ormancly, came to Angers to study law at the University. He there saw Renee Corbeau, the daughter of a citizen of that town. Four words suffice to sketch the portrait of this young person. She was young, well bred, handsome, and very intelligent. All these brilliant qualities were, however, thrown into the shade by one fault1 which philosophers account as nothing, but whicn the w©rld makes much of, thanks to the corruption of the age; her parents were not rich.

She nrtlll.med the young cavalier's heart with a :pas.'>ion which daily "grew stron~er on what it :led," until he did nothing but tl1ink and talk of the object of his love. He obtained an introduction to her and had the good fortune to find favour in her eyes. In course of time their mntual affection grew so strong that he made an offer of marriage, and gave her his promise in writing. It would occupy too large a space to narrate the various incidents of their long courtship. It may suffice to say that a time arrived when the parents deemed it necessary to bring matters to an issue; and at a favourable opportunity they obtained the young nobleman's consent to sign a contract of marriage drawn up in due form by the notary. . . . Not long after the union had been thus cemented between the two lovers, the young man suddenly repented, tl1e excellent qualities of his fair betrothed had lost their charm for him. In a few days he abruptly quitted her and returned to 11is father to whom he confided all that had passed. The latter was very angry, and declared that on no account would he allow his son to brinrr home a wife who was not possessed of a suit:ilile fortune. The son then, acting on his father's advice, or on his own responsibility, entered a religious order, and even went so far as to offer himself for the priesthood, intending thereby to evade his marria9e obligations.

Renee Corbeau received the news of this treachery with mingled feelings of grief and indignation. Her father obtained from the Court sitting at Angers a decree against the young cavalier. The latter appealed, and the case was brought up for hearing before the Parliament of Paris, presided over by M. de Villeray. The action of the young noble appeared so detestable in the eyes of the judges, especially his having become a priest in order to evade his promise, that they condemned him to the loss of his head, unless he chose to marry the young J?erson; and as he could not marry her, bein~ a priest, and declared that on account of that obstacle it was impossible for him to accept the alternative of marriage, that after such declaration, he should suffer the penalty to which he had been condemned. He was handed over to the executioner, and the fat her confessor drew near to attend him in his last moments.

Then Renee Corbeau, overpowered by her feelings, could not endure the thought that her lover should be led away to death. Prompted by her passionate love~ she rushed all in tears and in disarray into the nall where the judges were still assemblcl!. -tud spoke to .them in the following terms :"Gentlemen, you see before you the most · unfortunate young wonmu that ever a.Ppearerl in a

court of justice. By condemning my husband, you did not take my share of guilt into account, and yet you inflict as cruel a punisl1ment upon me as upon him ; for the infamy of his fate will rebound upon me, and I shall die dishonoured, as he does. You wished him to repair the damage done to my honour, and the remedy you propose disgraces me in the eyes of everybody. 80 that, although in your opinion I am more to be pitied than to be blamed, you impose upon me the most horrible of all punishments. How can you reconcile with your ideas of justice, the fate to which you ask me to submit 1 As you are men before being judges, and have therefore some experience of the laws of love, you must be aware what torments a person suffers who sincerely and truly loves1 when she is conscious of having caused the dcatll-the shameful death-of him who is the object of her love. Would not death itself be preferable to such t orture 1 "But, gentlemen, allow me to set you right on one point. I have hitherto concealed my crime from you, thinking that by so doing you would decide that my husband should repair my offended honour by taking me as his wife. Stung by the pangs of conscience, I now feel bound to tell you that it was I who ensnared him; I was the first to love him, and inspired him with the ardent passion which fired my breast. Thus I have become the instrument of my own disgrace. Gentlemen, I trust you will now alter you r opinion, and look upon me as the cul1~irit who have lured my lover to his own destruction; punish me and save him.

If justice demands a victim let me be the one to suffer.

"You charge him with the crime of entering into holy orders, so as to make it impossible for him to redeem his marriage vows. But that was not his own act, it was the act of a barbarous, imperious father, whom he dare not oppose; thus he has not acted of his own free will; his father alone is guilty, and if he were not the father of my lover I should claim vengeance upon him at your hands.

Besides, gentlemen, how could you retract your first sentence 1 You ordered my spouse to be put to death, unless he preferred to take me as his wife; you gave him the option; can you, after that, deprive him of it by choosing for him1 I must be a very contemptible object in your eyes, since you doom him to perish rather than live with me as his wedded wife!

"However, he declared that his priestly office forbade his entering the bonds of matrimony, and this declaration has led you to condemn him to capital punishment. What means this declaration 1 It means that he would take me for his wife if it were lawful to do so. Thus, if it is lawful for him to do so you cannot condemn him to death after granting him the option. That he may do so, in spite of his character as priest, who can doubt 1 Though I am only a very ignorant young person, my love for the accused soon taui::ht me what it was necessary I should know on tllat point. Yes, gentlemer, I know as well as you do that a priest may get married with a dispensation from the Pope. The Legat e of His Holiness is expected here very shortly : he has full authority from the Sovereign Pontiff. I will apply to him for this dispensation, and shall obtain it. Of this I have no doubt. Indeed, what hindrances would I not overcome if necessary 1 Therefore, gentlemen, out of compassion for two unfortunate lovers, deign at lrast to suspend the execution of your sentence, and give us the time to obtain this dis.

• .

I pensation from the Legate. venture to hope that compassion has not died out of the hearts of those Judges who once loved tenderly themselves; and as for those who have n"ever loved, if any such there be, may they listen to the voice of friendship, and remember the sympathy they have felt for such of their friends as have suffered the pangs of love. Some of my judges are young and others well stricken in years ; the first, owing to their youth, are more readily disposed to receive the impressions of this passion, the others know from long experience the full force of its feelings. I thus appeal to the hearts of both. Since1 gentlemen, you are now in a Dosition to cause 'Justice and mercy to meet

APRIL . 22,

1882.

together,' let, I beseech you, the happy union now be effected. If some of your votes are given in my favour, ought they not, for humanity's sake, to outweigh the others, though more numerous 1 But if you are all inflexible, then do not at least refuse me the favour of sharing the death of my affianced husband." · 'l'he fair and eloquent pleader received a very favourable hearing. The j udges did not lose a sinofo word of her speech, which she delivered in a clear and distinct voice, though speaking in the tones of one who is labouring under great excite· ment. It fo und its way to their hearts. Her beauty, her tears, her eloquence possessed too powerful charms not to move, persuade, and com· pel them. They entered into consultation. Mon· sieur de Villeray, in accordance with the unani· mous decision of the bench, gave directions that the execution of the sentence should be suspended for a t ime, during which period the accused miR.ht take what measures he thought proper. 'Ihe Legate came to France shortly afterwards. It was Cardinal de Medecis, who subsequently occupied the Pontifical Chair as Leo XI. for the brief space of one month. 'rhe Legate, in spite of all entreaties, was so incensed against the accused for ha.ving turned priest to escape his conjugal obligations, that he refused to grant the dispensation as solicited.

Renee Corbeau then threw herself at the feet of the Kinfrr, Here she was more successful, for Henry V. received her most graciously, and listened Ratiently to her talc, as she pleaded again for the life of 1'er beloved. He even went so far as to solicit the dispensation of the L egate in person. So eminent a petitioner could not be refused. As soon as the pardon had been granted, the couple went through the marriage rites at one of the principal churches in Paris. They lived in perfect harmony: the husband always looked upon his wife as a kind of superior being-a goddesswho had saved his life and honour. -Truly, this is one of the greatest miracles that love has ever wrought.

THE RULES OF WHIST. IF you the modern game of Whist would know, l"rom tliis great principle its precepts flow: Treat your own hand as to your partnclr's joined And play, not one alone, but both combined.

Your first lead makes your partner understand What is the chief component of your hand; And hence there is necessity the strongest '.l' hat your first lead be from your suit that's longest, In this with ace r.nd king, lead king, then ace; With king and queen, king also has first place; With ace, queen, knave, le11d ace, and then the queen; With ace, four small ones, ace should first be seen; With queen, knave, ten, you let the queen precede; In othe1· cases you the lowekt lead.

Ere you return your friend's, your own suit play; But trump you must return without delay.

When you return your pa.1·tner's lead, titke pains To lead him back the best your hand contains, If you receive not more than three at first; If you had more, you may rnturn the worst.

But if you hold the master card, you're bound In most cases to play it second round.

Whene'er you want a lead, 'tis seldom wrong '.l'o lead up to the weak, or throL1gh the strong.

Jf second hand, your lowest should be played, · Unless you mean "trump signal" to be made; Or if you've king and queen, or ace and king, Tlien one of these will be the proper thing.

Mind well the rules for trumps, you'll often need them: When you hold five, 'tis al ways right to lead them; Or if the lead won't come in time to you, '.l'hen signal to your pmtner so to do.

Watch also for your partner's trump request, To which, with less than four, play out yom"best.

To lead through honours turned up is bud play, Unless you want the trump suit cleared away.

When, second hand, a doubtful risk you see, Don't trump it if you hold more trumps than three, But having three or less, trump fearlessly.

When weak in trumps yourself, don't force your friend1 But al ways force the ad verse strong trump hand, For sequences, stern custom has decreed The lowest you must play, if you don't lead.

When you discard, weak suit you ought to choose-; l?or strong ones a.re too valuable to lose.

-

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IL

22, 1882.

:1e happy union now votes are given in r hmnanity's sake h more numerous i hen do not at least ng the death of my

!

tder received a very ilgcs did not lose a. ich she delivered in ugh speaking in the uuder great excite' their hearts. Her ,ence possessed too persuJ1cl?, and comconsultat10n. Mon1ce with the unani~ave directions that should be suspended )d the accused might ught proper. The :Uy afterwards. It who subsequently r as Leo XI. for the 1e Legate, in spite of against the accused escape his conjugal to grant the dispenherself at the feet of nore successful, for iost graciously, and as she pleaded again He even went so far 1n of the Legate in ~ioner could not be on had been granted, marriage rites at one Paris. 'fhey lived iu d always looked upon r being-a goddessouour. -Truly, this is i that love has ever

'WHIST. hist would know, recepts flow : 1r po.rtner's join.ad ~th combined. tner understand f your hand; e strongest iur suit that's longest. l king, then ace; o has first place; w, and then thequeen; should first be seen; 1t the queen precede; lead. rour own suit play; ithout delay. ·'s lead, take pains .r hand contains, J1ree at first · um the wor&t. rd, you're bound l round. seldom wrong ·ough the strong.

1ould be pfayed, · ml" to be made ; )!' ace and king, proper thing.

1, you'll often need them: ~s l'ight to lead them; ~me to you, o to do. trump request, , play out your best, 1ed up is bad play, uit cleared a.way. ul risk you see, ore trumps than three, np fearlessly, .f, don't force your friend1 , strong trump hand, has decreed you don't lead. ...., you ought to choose-; 1ble to lose.

APRIL

22, 1882.

EXTRAORDilTARY .ACT OF A JJYING MAN. Tnc cclchrated Cl1arlotte Bronte(author of "Jane Eyre"), in a ktter to a friend, says : "The past 1hrcc weeks have been a dark intervn,l in our lmmlilo home. Bmnwell's (her brother) constitution ha.~ hccn foiling fast all the snrnmer; but 11till ncithcr the doctors nor himself thought him 1<0 near the encl as he was. He was entirely confined' to his bed but for one single day, and was in . the Yillage two days Lefore his deat.h. Ile died after twenty minutes' struggle, on Sunday mornin,'!', Septcrn bcr 2-1th. He was -perfectly conscious till the last agony came on. His mind had undergone the peculiar change which frequently precJdcs death two days prcYiously · the calm of l1etter feelings filled it; a return of natural affection marked his last moments." .\[rs. Ua,,kell (Charlotte Erontc's biographer) remark!> : "I have heard from one who attended Jlmnwcll in his last illness that he resolved on sta11dii11; ·1•p to die. Ilc had repeatedly said, that ns long as there was life there was strength of will to do wlmt it chose; and when the la::;t agony l1epin, lie insisted on CUJS'ltrning tlw position just

Meationcd."

ew"Gil90Q

JJ.AKING HIMSELF AT HOME. TrrF.ODORE HooK, wishing to visit Sunburyi,.Twas recommended to the "Flower Pot" Inn. .Now, tlicre resided at Sunbury in a large house, an cldvly gentleman, a bacheior of somewhat eccentric disposition, whose ruling passion was for }1is garden. This was kept in admirable order, nllll decorated with a profusion of ornaments in 1he very height of suburban fashion-leaden C·l,ids, sl:i.te sun dials, grottos of oyster shells an1 · looking glasses; and above all, with a lll:!.~mficent vase, filled with a flawi11g cluster of Meraninrns and a number of plants, with lni!liant blossoms and unutterable names, which flv..rd the entrance. Here one fine afternoon, when the flowers had reached their acme of rdulgcnce, Mr. Theodore pulled up his dennet.

A powerful pull at the bell brou()'ht a groom to the g11.te. "'l'ake the mare round to the stable1 p11t her in a loose box, and rub her down well. l'll come and see her fed myself in a few minutes; 11onc of you rascals arc to be trusted." So saying, the young gentleman threw the reins to the groom, marched up the walk, cutting off here an.I there an overgrown carnation with his whip, an<l entered the hall. Giving another tremendous jerk to the bell wire in passing, he walked into the dining-room, the door of which happened to lie open, took up a magazine, and threw himself at foll length upon the sofa. A tidily dressed girl ap:pcared at his summons. "Bring me a glass of brandy and water, and send 'boots,' please." "Boots! Brandy and water! La! sir," exclaimed the astonished girl. Duped by the anthoritative air assumed by the visitor, the attendant disappeared, and speedily returned with the slippers, observing, "lf you please, sir, I have brought you a pair of slippers, but they arc master's, and he is rather particular!"

"Nonsense! where's the brandy and wated" "He never leaves out the spirits, sir; he always keeps the key in his pocket." "He must be a deuced odd fellow; send him here." "Master is dressing, sir; he will be down directly;" and accordingly, after a few minutes, Mr.-- made his ap~earancc in full evening dress. "My good friend,' began Hook, without raising his eyes from the paper, " allow me to observe that the rules of your establishment are a little inconvenient to travellers. I have been here above a quarter of an hour, and have not been able to get even a glass of brandy and water-bring me one iuuncdiately-hot· and let me know what you have for dwner !'1 "I really beg your pardon," said old Mr.-- as soon as he could find words, "but I am quite at a loss--" "So am I, my good man-for a glass of brandy and waterbring tba.t a.nd a.nnthP.r for yourself. and then

TIT-BITS. I shall be happy to hear whatever you have to say." "But, 811'1 you must permit me to state--" "I was never m such a detestable house in all my life," exclaimed Hook, starting upi "what do you stand there for instead of attencting to my orders; am I to be kept here all night7" The old gentleman was struck positively speechless; his face purpled. "Why, the fellow's drunk," :pursued Theodore ; "di~~·accfully drunk at this time of day, and in his own parlour, too ! I shall feel it my duty, sir, to lay a statement of this inexcusable conduct before the bench." Mr.-spran00 to the bell. "John! Thomas! t urn this imr;md'ent scoundrel out of the house!" The arrival of the servants necessarily led to an explanation. Nothing could exceed Mr. Hook's i:eg!¥lt. What could be done~ What apology could be made1 Ile "·as a perfect stranger to Sun bury; and had been directed to the "Flower Pot," as tho inn affordin$ the best accommodation, and on seeing what he imagined to be a gigantic representation of the sign in question at the garden ~ate he had naturally entered and acted upon thts erroneous impression. This was the worst cut of all. To find a stranger reclining in full possession of his sofa and slip:pers was bad enough; but to hear the highest achievement of art he possessed-the admiration of himself and friends, and the envy of all Sunbury, his darling vase-to hear this likened to an alehouse sign, was a humiliation which dwarfed into insignificance all preceding insults.

11 THE WIDOWER .ANJJ THE WIDOW.

WnEN Mr. Thomas 'fhompson was courting the widow who became his sixth wife, said he, taking a pinch of snuff and looking wise, "I will tell you what I expect of you, my dear.

"You are aware that I have had a great deal of matrimonial experience. Ho-hum!

"It makes me sad to think of it, and I may tmlysay that my cup of misery would be rnnnin_g over at this moment if it were not for you. But to business. I was about to remark that Jane, my first, could make better coffee than any other woman in the world. I trust you will adopt her recipe for the preparation of that beverage.'

"My first husband frequently remarked"-began the widow.

"And there ti was Susan," interrupted Mr. Thompson. "Susan was the best mender that probably ever lived. It was her delight to find a button off? and as for rents in coats and things, I have seen ncr shed tears of joy when she saw them, she was so desirous of using her needle for their repair. Oh, what a woman Susan was!" " Many is the time,'' began the widow, " that my first hus--."

"With regard to Anna, who was my third," said Mr. Thompson hastily, "I think her forte above all others was in the accomplishment of the cake known as slap-j ack. I have very pleasant visions at this moment of my angelic Anna as she appeared in the kitchen on a frosty morning, enveloped in smoke and the morning sunshine "QG;ii;>"IQGQ that stole through the window, or bearing to my plate a particularly nice article of slap-jack, with OBITUARY NOTICES. the remark, ' That's the nicest one yet, Thomas.

Eat it while it is hot.' Sometimes, I assure you, my BunY Bartholomew out in the woods, dear, these recollections are quite overpowering.>J In a beautiful boll! in the ground, Where the bumble-bees buzz, and the woodHe applied his handkerchief to his eyes, and the peckers sing, widow said, "Ah, yes, I know how it is myself, And the straddle-b1gs tumble nround; sir. Many is the time that I see in .my lonely So, that in winter, when the enow and the slush house my dear first hus--."

Have covered his Ja;t little bed, " The pride and joy of Julia my fourth ; arn1 Ilis brother Artemus can go out with Jane may say, too, of Clara, my fifth,'' interrupted Mt. And visit the place with his sled. 'l'hompson, with some apparently accidental vicr lence of tone, "lay in the art of ma.kin$' over their Mrs McFadden has gone from this life; spring bonnets. If you will believe it, my dear, Site has left all its sorrows and ca.res; one bonnet lasted those two blessed women through She caught the rheumatics in both of her legs While scrubbing the cellar and stairs. all the happy years they lived with me; they They put mustard-plasters upon her in vain; would turn them and make them over so many 'l'hey bathed her with whisky and rum; times ! Dear, dear, what a changing world l But Thmsday her spirit departed and left what an unhappy changing world." .

Her body entirely numb.

"I say so to myself a hundr~d times a-dayi s1r,'' said the widow with a si*h. "I frequent y re: The death-angel smote Alexander McGlue, marked to my fi rst hiis-. .

And gave him protracted repose; " Madam,'' said Mr. Thompson suddenly, and He wore a checked shirt and a number nine shoe, with great sternness, "oblige me by never men..1 And be had a pink wart on his nose.

No doubt he is happier dwelling in space tioiling that cheap man again. Are 7ou not aware Over there on the evergreen shore. that he must necessarily be out o · the question His friends are informed t hat his funeral takes for evermore 7 Can you not see that your con.: place tinual references to him sicken my soul 1 Let us Prcci$ely at quarter-past four. hav~_peace, madam-let us have peace." _. .

"Very well," said the widow, meekly, 11 I be~ ~Gl'ilO><GlQQ your pardon, and promise not to do it again.

And they were married~ and their lives were a,s THE CUCKOO IN DENMARK. bright and peaceful a,s tncy could wisk •

I

THE notes of the cuckoo sing through the Danish woods in spring-time, as they would in England, and the cunning trespasser follows her usual custom of laying her eggs in her neighbour's nest.

The people of Denmark acco=t for this fact as follows:"When in early s:pring-time,'' they say, "the voice of the cuckoo is first heard in the woods, every village girl kisses her hand, and asks the question,' Cuckoo! cuckoo! when shall I be married1' and the old folks1 borne down with age and rheumatism, inqmre, 'Cuckoo ! cuckoo I w~ shall I be released from this world's cares1 ,.,._ . ,...

The bird, in answer, continues singing," Cuckoo',' as many times as years will elapse before the obje~ of their desires will come to pass. , .· But as some old people live to an advanced age, and many girls die old maids, the poor bird has so much to do in answering the questions put to her, that the building season goes by; she has no time to make her nest, but lays her eggs in that of the hedge-sparrow.,

' ,QQ~QQQQg

MR. HUME AGAIN. SoME years prior to the· death of Mr. Hume, ~· woman requested with great earnestness, and reQ_eatedly, to be admitted to his presence. . 'l'he particular appearance of the woman, wheri . making this req_ue_:i; prevented it being complied with. .At length lY.l.r. Hume consented, when she began to reprove him with great bitterness for his supposed infidelity, and gravely told him he would he ,damned, except he altered his opinions. -. .

When she had exhausted her volubility, Yr; Irume begged leave to know her name and place of abode, and .f inding that her husband was a ta.Ilow-chand.le;,. the good-humoured philosopher replied to her, ,That as a recompense for her kind intention, he should, during the course oi kis life, buy his candles at her shop," and then dismissea.

Jiia female .vreacher..

T I T-BITS ;

12 EXPERIENCE 01' A DISPENSARY DOCTOR IN IRELAND.

THE HASTINGS MILKMAN.

APRIL

22, 1882;

.A FEELING ADDRESS.

JINRs, the Hastings milkman, one morning forgot AN Irish peasant complained to the Catholic

IT wa.<i the day for attending at the d ispensary. I to water his milk. In the hall of the first customer priest of his parish that some person had stolen had for some hours been giving out the proper medicines to those present. The hour for closing h ad come, and I had left the place, and was walking through the village toward my house. Suddenly a heavy shower came on. I had no umbrella, and t urned for shelter into an archway, at the further end of which there was a chest, on which I seated myself. I had not been there a couple of minutes when two of my patients, who had just come from the dispensary, entered the archway for the same purpose. As the end where I sat was dark, they did not sec me, and turning their backs towards me, they began to talk. " Well, Jinny, what do you think of the new doctor 1" "Sorra a much I think of him at all, Peggy !

He would not stand to l1ear the half .of my complaint, and he gave me the wrong medicine intirely.

What was it ho gave you, Peggy 1" "It's a bottle, Jinny. I'm to take it three times a day, he says. Thero it i~; and it's a poor kind of smell it has about it. I tould him it was pills I wanted, and that bottles never done me any 1;00d ! "

"Well, it's pills he's give me," said the other; "and I can't take them at all. But I can ta.ke a bottle r!ghtly. I'm thinking we'll swop. Fien' a bit wiser the doctor 'll bei" and they exchanged their medicine then and tnere. 'l'he shower was over ; Peggy and Jinny were leaving the archway without hn.ving discovered me, the former sayingaR she went out: ."I suppose I'd best take the pills three times a dliy, the way the bottle was to be took." 'l'hey were rather startled by hearing me remark that it would be as well to follow the doctor's advice on the point.

0009'1000

A REGHIENTAL PET. "Fan" (the pet of the 108th Regiment now the 2:sd Battalion !loyal Enniskillen F usiliers), who was killed near Rossory, on the 2fith F ebruary, 1882, and whose fate is lamentea by the whole regnnent, was a doe antelope, and was caught on tl10 plains near N usseerabad early in 1875 when she was a fortnight old. She was "nursed" and brou~ht up

by Corporal Ward of the drums, and though very ·wild at first, soon evinced a strong taste for music, so much so, that after about six months' drill she · was handed over to the band, and from that time marched at the head of the regiment on all occasions. She marched down country with the regiment to Mho.wi and after nearly two years' service in India founa herself ai Colchester, where she became a great favourite. While quartered here the officer;.; of the regiment ]>resented her with a maRsive silver collar with the regimental badge, which she wore until her death. She had ihc honour of making acquaintance with several of the Royal family. On the occasion of the >isit of 11is Royal Highness the Prince of Wales to India, when the guard of honour was furnished by the regiment, Fan wa~ the first to welcome him on his arrival at the Residency, and recoivrd cordial notice. On the arrival of the regiment at Portsmouth she attracted the notice of her Serene Highness Princess Edward of Saxe-Weimar,through whose kindly forethought a special order was issued to the sentries on the main guard to allow the little antelope to graze on the Governor's green.

After the arrival of the regiment in Enniskillen, Fan very soon made friends with ihc townspeoi;ile, and was well known within a radius of six miles of the town. It is believed now that she was not killed maliciously, but in mi8take for a wild deer that was roaming about. Be that as it may, it Reems very hard t1mt1 after following the drum for seven years in Indrn and England, the "Pet of the Ticjal Enniskillcn Fusiliers" should be shot within a mile of the very town from which the regiment takes it name.

POOR

in his round, the sad omission flashed upon Jinks' wounded feelings. A large tub of fine clear water stood on the floor by his side, no eye was upon him, and thrice did Jinks dilute his milk with a large measure filled from the tub, before the maid brou&cl;.t up her j ugs. Jinks served her, and went on. while he was bellowing down the next area, his first customer's footman beckoned to him from the door. Jinks returned, and was immediately ushered into the library. There sat my lord, who had just tasted the milk. "Jinks," said his lordship. "My lord !" rep,licd Jinks. "Jinb," co'1t inued his lordship, ' I should feel particularly obliged if you would hen ceforth bring me themilk and water separately, and allow me the favour of mixin15 them myself." " Well, my lord, it's useless to deny the thrng, for I suppose your lordship watched me while--" "No " interrupted the nobleman ; "the fact is, that my children bathe at home, Jinks. and the tub in the hall was full of sea water, Jinks."

OOwl.10000

AN INCORRIGIBLE SMOKER. A CORRESPONDENT at Christiana, Pennsylvania, sends the following of an aged negress-very p ious, an inveterate smoker-who d ropped in to pay a passing visit to a neighbour, who was equally well known as a t emperr.nce man and a hater of tobacco. On sitting down the old aunty pulled from her pocket a Ion" pipe and commenced smoking, to the infinite d'isgust of her host. The man maintained his composure several minutes, but the fumes became too powerful for him, and rising, he said : "Aunt Chloe, do{ou think rou are a Christian 1" "Yes, brudclcr; specks I is."

"Do you believe in the bible 1" " Yes brudder."

"Do 'you know there is a '(>ll.~~n~e there which says that nothing unclean shall mhont the kingdom of heaven 1" "Yes, I has heard of it."

"Do you believe it 1" "Yes." "Well, Chloe, yon cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven, because there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a smoker. What do you say to that 1" 'Why, when I go to heaven I specks to leave my 1reff behind me!"

QOOQQOOO

A NOBLE MISER. Lo1:m BnAco, an ancestor of the Earl of Fife, was remarkable for i)ractising that celebrated rule, "Get all you can, and keep all you got." One day, walking down ihe avenue from his house, he saw a farthing lying at his feet, which he took up and carefully clca.ned. A Le,'.!gar passing at the same time, entreated his lordship would give him the farthing, saying it was not worth a nobleman's attention. "Fin' a farthing to yoursel', puir body," replied his lordship, and carefully put the coin into his breeches pocket. In addition to being his own farthing finder, his lordship was his own factor and rent collector. A tenant who called upon him to pay his rent, happened to be deficient a farthing. This amount could not be excused, and the farmer had to seek the coin. ·when the business was adjusted, the countryman said to his lordship, "Now, Braco, I would gie ye a shillin' fo r a sight o' a' the goucl an' sillcr ye hae." " VI' eel, mon," replied Braco, "it's no cost ye ony mair ;" and accordingly, for a shilling paid down, the no!Jlcmau exhibited several iron boxes filled with gold and silver coin. "Now," said the farmer, "I'm as rich as yoursol' Braco." "Aye, mon " replied his lordsl~ip, /,how can that. be 1" ·•Because I've seen it. an' ve c11.n do nne ma1r."

his best pig, and supplicated his reverence to help him to the discovery of the thief. The priest promised his best endeavours, and his inquiries soon leading him to a pretty correct guess as to the offender, he took the following amusing method of bringing the matter home t o him :-On the next Sunday, after the sen·ice of the day, he called out with a loud voice fixin<> his eyes full on the suspected person, "Who stoYc Pat Doolan's pig 1" There was a long pause, and no answer; he did not expect one, and so descended from the pulpit. A second Sunday arriving without the pig being restored, his reverence, again looking steadfastly at the stubborn thief, and throwin~ a deep note of anger into the tone of his voice, repeated the question, "Who stole Pat Doolan's pig 1" " I say, who stole Pat Doolan's pig 1" 'fhere w1t5 no answer, and the question was left as before, to work its effect in secret on the conscience of the guilty person. The contumacy of the offender, however, exceeded all the honest priest's calculation. A third Stmday arrived, and Pat Doolan was still without his pig. Some stronger measure now became necessary. After service was over, his reverence, dropping the question of "WJ10 stole Pat Doolan's pig~" but still without directly accusing anyone of the theft, reproachfully exclaimed, "Jimmie Doran ! J immie Doran! you trate me with contempt." Jimmie Doran hung down his head, and next morning the pig was found at the door of Pat Doolan's cabin.

000'"10000

THE IMPROVED WEATHER SYSTEM.

"TI Aun:s :::ome m Gtiograph

tlctiuition l1a.hie.'I h nny cloth h~licve.

ever s.'lw.,

,., hen ho of inscct.-

1>leasnre i lbbies diRpositio }lillow, an <'orkscrc,· ]H'-<Lrth br from any screw hal hearth br W hen~

h nncl, nn tho moth Q i<ign th:, stoop for the hair, what o. pr, yon arc n: rour nmu 1t catch~ up on yo111 yon don't Jone~, let at having hurt him.' an<! slioot J1ancl stic your ~hir manner s

JlOS~ible.

st:i mp on

'fHE probability man who meddles with our great

American weather means well, and tries conscientiously to do his best, but his system is radically defective, and the consequence is that bis conjectures are despicably incorrect quite half the time.

The inconvenience caused by these mistakes, not only to the people generally, but to me personally, is inconceivably great, and it is not to be endured any longer. For instance, if I read in the mornin9 that this probability person entertains a conviction that we shall have a clear day in my neighbourhood, I place confidence in his assurance.

I remove the roof from my house in order to dry the garret thoroughly, and I walk down town with a new umbrella under my arm.

Now, it is plainly evident that if, after all it docs begin to rain, and I am obliged to unfurl that umbrella and ruin it with the wet, and I am compelled, when I arrive at home1 to witness my family floating around in the dimng-room upon a raft constructed out of the clothes-horse, and a few bed-slats and pie-boards, the government for which "rashington died is a failure; or, suppose that our friend at the weather office asserts that a thunderstorm is certain to strike my section of country upon a certain day-I believe him.

I bring out my lightning rods, and buckle them to the chimneys, aud set them around on the roof and plant them out in the yard, and rivet them upon my hired girl ; and I place my family safely in feather beds in the middle of the room, and drink all the milk in the neighbourhood, and prevail upon the tax collec.,or to go and stand an hour or two under a tree, where he will be almost certain to be struck by lightning.

And when all these arrangements are completed so that I feel equal to the promised emergeucysupposc that thunder storm does not come ~ When I watch that iax collector sally out and begin to assess my property, counting in all thoso lightning rods at double their cost, is there any reason to wonder that I sit down and sigh for some responsible despot who will "g ive us a probability man who grasps the subject of the weather, as it were. in a more comurehensive manner 1

Ha hie~, country. woman. takes a. b., lcngt h, anl ncs.~!" or fine little tool Wl1~ a11Cl this 1 my word, l•nhy, but n11cl-Ho E: )\Ow it en t ho arms, ROfa. 'l'ho: t lmt, ncco finr r thnn 'l'he e<lr backward much of t " 11npa," " once told l>n l 1ie.~ are flay "mo" tell mo tl Wlint ?\fr. enough, bu

DoN'T te h is maiden mouth. l A WRITF. notice of ev t o Lo a shti

IT is wh great glory l cry much

Tm: w 'fhat JdUBt 11

And

1882."

APRIL

ON

~.

;he Catholic had stolen ·ence to help The priest ~is inquiries guess as to ng amusing tohim:-On the day, he iis eyes full Pat Doolan's no answer; led from the without the :ain looking . throwin~ a ,f his v01ce, Pat Doolan's P.lan's pig 1" fon was left on the conontumacy of the honest a~rived,i, and pig. >:;ome ssary. After lropJ;>ing the 1's/J1g1" but ~ o the theft, Doran l Jimnpt." Jimmie ; morning the ~lan's cabin.

SYSTEM. ;vith our great td tries contis system is lUence is that ect quite half iese mistakes, 1ut to me perlt is not to be f I read in the 11 entertains a ear day in my :e in his as· 1se in order to ~lk down town if, after all, it , to unfurl that and I am comto witness my ;-room upon a. :s-horse, and a ;overnment for :e; or, suppose e asserts that a my section of 3ve him. td buckle them md on the roof md rivet them family safely in oom, and drink 1d, and prevail µ.nd an hour or almost certain ·s are completed cd emergency>cs not come ~ · sally out and ;ing in all those ;t, is there any n and sigh fot give us a vrobaof the weather, re manner7

CHEAPER BY TAKING

B~IES.

"BABIES are bundles of clothes with yellow heads."

Some months ago I received a letter from the Geographical Society, informing me that this definition was inaccurate, as in tropical climates babies had black faces and were found without any clothes worth speaking about. This I don't believe. I have often seen black men, but who ever saw a bhck baby 1 However, if some traveller i••hcn he c~mes back brings among his specimens of insects, any black babies, I shall have great plea.sure in inspecting them.

Babies do not differ much in temper, size, or di~position. 'l'hey are violent, about the size of a pillow, and covetous. I once saw a baby with a corki\crew, a pair of tongs, a handbell1 and a broken 11oru:th brush, and nothing could incmce it to part from any of them, although it had got the corkscrew half way down its ear, and the handle of the heal'th brush altogether down its throat.

When you come near a baby it stretches out its hand, and clutches hold of your necktie. This is, the mother tells you, a mark of high favour, and a sign that baby desires to kiss you. When you stoop forward to kiss the creature it seizes you by t110 hair, and everyone but you laughs and says what a precocious baby it is. When you sit down you are asked to hold the baby. You take it in your arms and place it on your knee. Immediately it catches hold of your collar, and tries to stand up on your best trousers with its dirty boots. If you don't allow it, the mother says, "Oh, do, Mr. Jones, let him stand up; he is quite delighted at having discovered he can stand, and it won't hurt him." It then lays hold of your shirt studs, and shoots out its finger at your eye, and drives a hand sticky with wet sugar into tne bosom of your shirt. Not unfrequently it behaves in a manner so inconsiderate that description is impoRsible. This makes you wish to put it down and stamp on it with your right foot.

Rabies, like dogs, are not found wild in any country. 'fhey are usually the companions of woman. The first thing a woman docs when she takes a baby in her hands is to hold it at arms' length, and say, "Oh, dear!" or "Oh, my goodness!" or some other powerful words. "\Vhat a fine little fellow, and only seven months old, too! Why, Mrs. So-and-So's baby is ten months, and this little fellow is twice his weight. Upon my word, Mrs. So-and-So, I have seen many a baby but this is by far the finest." Mrs. Soaud-So smiles, and takes the baby, and shows how it can nearly stand when it is held up under the arms, and has it's back against the leg of the sofa. The most singular thing about babies is that, according to women, each one is larger and finer than any one that has ever been before.

The education of babies is generally in a very backward state, indeed they do not appear to know much of the English language beyond the words, "papa,'' "mamma,'' "me;' "go,'' "by." A man once told me that there can be no doubt that babies are descended from negroes, for they always say "me" for "I." Another had · the insolence to tell me that men were descended from babies.

What Mr. Darwin said about monkeys was bad enough, but this is really carrying matters too far. ggoQ~Q~g

. DoN'.T tell a. young man who is wrestling with his maiden moustache that he looks down in the mouth. It isn't kind. oooG . h l tak A WRITER on sma11 th mgs says e a ways ·es notice of even a straw, especially if there happens to be a sherry cobbler at theend of it "" 00

18

TIT-BITS.

22, 1882.

'

IT is when a. woman trie.s to whis~le that ~he great glory of her mouth is seen without be,lllg \'Cry much heard. ~ """" THE world of fools has such a store, That he who would not see an ass, < Must stay at home,-fast bolt his door, And break his faithful looking glass.

1

QUANTITY.

THE following is from the San Francisco News Letter:-The retail drug business in San Francisco, in spite of all we have been saying and doing to improve it, is still in a poor condition. We are glad to perceive that one or two of the leading dru~~sts are making an effort to elevate it to the condition of a corner grocery. vVe do not speak of the tobacco and whisky business, but rather to the system of selling cheaply, in the fourteen cans 'of oysters for a dollar manner, A friendly dru~­ gist has sent us a price list of articles as he is selling them in his store. We copy a few items which may be of interest to our readers. "Three emetics llc., two blue pills and a black draught and a bottle of Lubin's Ylang Ylang 27c. ; a box of itch ointment, a porous plaister, and a ~reen shade for sore eyes 26~c. ; a bottle of hair aye, a box of rat poison, and a fine tooth comb, 42c. ; an infant's feeding bottle, a lar~e :{]y blister, and a pint of Mother-in-Law's Delight Bitters, $1. 3c.; a little bottle with a baby in it, a pint of cod liver oil, and a box of Higgenbotham's Ant iphlogistic Skolaloxicum 95c. ; everything else in assorted lots at proportionate prices. With all orders ~mounting to $25, a stomach-pump will be thrown

.A SCIENTIFIC SMUGGLER. THE Berlin Jfontagsblatt tells this story:-In 18051 Humboldt.and Guy ::>ussac were in Paris engaged in experimenting on the compression of air. The two scientists found themselves in need of a large number of glass tubes. These were exceedingly dear in France at tb2 t!me, and t'!ie rate of import was something alam1ing. Humboldt sent to Germany for the needed articles, and gave directions that the manufacturer should seal up the tubes at. both ends, and put a label upon each tube with the words "Deutsche Suft" (German air). The air of Germany was an article upon which there was no duty, and the tubes were passed by the Custom Officers without any demand, and arrived free of duty in the handsofthetwoexperimenters. "e"~Qe'ilo

THE WATER POWER OF NI.AGAR.A FALLS.

THE recent visit of the American Society of Civil Engineers to Niagara Falls has drawn renewed attention to the works for utilisin~ some of the enormous water-power of Niagara River, which are now in progress under the auspices of a new cornpiJ.ny. The canal was originally constructed by ID." Horace H. Day, of New York, m the year 1850, QQQ.O)QOQQ at a cost of $250,000. 'fhe canal debouches from the river above the Falls, and discharges into the THE WICKED WORLD. reservoir below themi being about three-quarters of a mile in length. ts dimensions at present are I've had my sorrow, I've had my bliss; about 35 feet in width by 10 feet in depth; but the I've made successes, I've met defeats; new company have land enough secured to enlarge And my experience comes to thisit1 when necessary, to 100 feet wide. There is a fall To balance bitters, you'll find the sweets, of 2 feet in the length of the canal. It is arranged And in spite of the blame against it hurled, It's not so bad, is this wicked world. to extend the reservoir, as required, to a mile in length along the river bank, its width being We have our hobbies-aye, one and all; 70 feet, and depth same as the canal. Four And hobbies are skitti~h beasts at best, wheels, owned by private individuals, were in And not sure-footed-they're apt to full operation formerly. The new company, formed At the very first hedge, if too hardly prest; But, prythee, friend, should it chance you're pmlcd, some four years ago, bought the old undertaking at a mere song and is now developing the scheme Don't lay all the blame on the wicked world. into a thoroughly organised watc:>r-power company.

If you've loved a maiden with golden locks, They have nearly completed a wheel-pit, not far And learn too late they take on and off; from the lower extremity of the present reservoir, Don't preach, like old .Msop's fabled fox, 40 feet long by 20 feet wide, sunk in the solid rock That female beauty is all a scoff ;86 feet, from which a tunnel 10 feet by 6 feet, has There are many, be sure, of "the darlings curled," been bored for discharging the waste into the river.

Who wear their own hair, in this wicked wol"ld.

It is proposed to ultimately place three wheels in this ;pit, but for the present only a 50-inch Risdon If ever a friend, you have trusted long, turbme is in position, under a head of 86 feet, Should fail on trial, and prove untrue; developing some 1,100-horse power. The water is Don't think all friendship is false and wrong; But closer cling to the faithful few; led from the reservoir to the wheels by huge iron Nor again~t mankind be your flag unfurledpipes. The total available h~ is about 220 feet, Tliere are loyal hearts in this wicked world. which, after deducting the 86 feet at present Tlu·ough light and darkness, through shade and employed, leaves some 134 feet yet available. The possibilities of power appear at first sight inexFhine, haustible.

This orb in its fated circle rolls; """°~QeW Its path was fixed by a hand divine, THEODORE Hoorr, being in company where he As paths are meted for human souls; said something humorous in rhyme to every person Not random, as balls are at billiards twirled, present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of Taxes Revolves on its axis this wicked world. being announced, made the followillg impromptu; Then bear your punishment well, and smile; Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes, You'll have to suffer, but don·t despond; I advise you to give him whatever he axes; For after all it is but for a while, I advise you to give it without any fiummery, Till we lift the curtain and pass beyond !

For though his name's Winter his actions are summary, Though dark the waves that are round you swirled, QQ"Q There's a better to follow this wicked world, WHEN the English fleet under Lord Nelson "~eQoggo was bearing down upon the French ships anchored THE charge of the light brigade-The gas bill. in Aboukir Bay, just before the ever-memorable oggg battle of the Nile, the captain of one of the OH! for a. thousand tongues, M the lad said British vessels addressed his crew at considerable len~th, and, having exhorted them to remember when he crept into the treacle barrel. their duty, and what their country required at .

OQoo • their hands, he turned to the captain of marines AN American Judge has decided that husband and said "Now, sir, you have heard what I have and wife are one-and the husband is that one. said to tke ship's company; it may be as well for QvCiO you to say something to the men more panicularly A COUNTRY "joskin" who was about to be under you." Upon which the marine officer commarried had in mistake learnt the " baptismal manded "attention," and addressed them in the service" instead of the "matrimonial," and on the following pithy and faconic manner-" My lads, clergyman asking him the question, "wilt thou do you see that land 1" pointing to the i,;hores have this woman, &c.," · he replied with solem11 which they were rapidly nearing. "That,'' said gravity, "I renounce them all." "Why, man you he, "is the land of Egypt ; and if you don't fight must be out of your mind." "All this I steadfastly like the deuce you'lf soon be in the house of believe," responded the bridegroom. , bo11dage." The effect was electrical.

14

Tit-Bits of· Legal Information.

Lrtters containing legal queries slwnld be marlced on t/1e outside "LEGAL," and slwuld reach this o.fJu.,· by Monday's vost, to insure tlieir bei1ig repl·ied

tu in the next iss-ue.

1 nquirers must gii·e tlwir names and addresses, not necessarily for publication, but as a guarantee of vood f aitli. if <t correspondent does not find Ids communication ac!.·nowledged, he u·ill under~tand tltat it is not considae<l to be on a sulject of suck general interest as to fin,/ a place in our pape1·. *** Tile greatest care is taken to give correct an.'i'wers to inquiries, but at the same time our correspondents must understand tliat we disclaim any responsibility in giving our opinions.

-

.

W. W.-Consu.lt our explanation of the administration of intestate estates, in our last issue but one.

W. H. GoRDON.-The marriarre of a Scotchman domiciled in England to an Englishwoman, in England, will be valid in Scotland, without any formalities having to be performed in that country.

M. JoNES.-You arc not justified, as executor, in consideril'g the moral obligation; the direction of the testator, in his will, to l?ay all his debts, will not assist you ; such a direction to pay debts means all legal debts, but does not inclucle debts barred by statute.

CHEETHAM.-Where a dwelling-house is taken at a yearly rent, tho payment of that rent in quarterly instalments does not affect the notice that has to be given to determine the tenancy.

You will have to give a six mont,hs' notice to quit, which must expi.re at tho end of one of the years of your tenancy.

VERAX, J. MARSLAND, AND OTHERS.-We have more than once explained to our readers that the common notion that a landlord can only recover one month's arrears of rent of a house let on a weekly tenancy is erroneous. He can recover six years' rent in arrear1 being in fact only limited in his legal rights. by tne statute of limitations.

E. Qu1N.-Children are liable for the support of an aged parent, daughters as well as sons ; but a married daughter would not be so liable unless she has property settled on her to her separate use, as anything she may- otherwise possess or have control over, is really the property of her husband.

s. S.-The \!eremonies enjoined by the Rubric, such as addressing the congregation, putting the ring on the finger, .pronouncing the benediction, &c., are not essential to the validity of a marriage iu church; the · essential part is the reciprocal taking of each other for wedded 1vife and husband, and being declared married persons, A. B.-If a person assigns the whole of his property in trust for the benefit of his creditors generally, although it may be under the circmnstances of any individual case an unobjectionable course to adopt, it is nevertheless an act of bankruptcy upon which his creditors, or any one credi.tor to whom he owes £50, can have him adjucl,icated a bankrupt. If such assignment is made in favour of some of his creditors to the exclusion of others, it is fraudulent and vo:d, as well as an act of bankruptcy.

JoHN EvANs.-When a man dies intestate, possessed of no property except household furniture, and leaves a wiJow and four children surviving him, legally the widow is entitled to onethird only of the value of the furnitme, and the remainil,lg two-thirds go in equal shares mnong:,t the four children ; but practically, in such cases, the widow takes all, and does the best in her power for the children; they thus get, indirectly, the fnii value of their sha;·es, and she makes_ $!3 best tru$tP.e thev can have.

TIT-BITS. J. TnoMPSON.-A creditor receiving upwards of £2 by way of dividend on the estate of a. liquidating debtor, must stump his receipt for the same, though the dividend may come very far short of 20s. ir. the£.

J. C. T.-Some amateur minstrels hired a schoolroom for a certain night for the purpose of giving a public entertainment therein, and after they had been to the expense of printing bills, tickets, &c., and making other necessary preparations, the person who let them the room refused to give them possession of it on the night in question for the purpose for which they required it. If he knew at the time he agreed to let the room the purpose for which it was required, or if he did not know, but his reasons for refusing to perform his contract were unreasonable and capricious, or if he was not diligent in giving them notice of his intention not to perform it for good cause, he will be liable in damages for the loss he has entailed on the minstrel.3.

H. ~foRRis.-The marriag~.. of a widower with his deceased wife's sister, both being English born subjects, and domiciled at the time in England, is void., though the marriage was celebrated in a foreii>n country by the law of which such a marnage was iegal. The rule that a marriage, valid accordin~ to the law of the country where it is solemnised, is valid elsewhere, must be accepted with this proviso, that a marriage contracted in one country by the subjects of another country in which they are domiciled is not valid if by contracting such marriage the laws of their own country are violated. But if in the case put, the widower and his deceased wife's sister, though English born, had been domiciled in such foreign country at the time of the marriage, it would have been a valid marriage in this country also.

R. T. PARKIN had a son who was lost at sea with his ship in October last. The RegistrarGeneral will not give a certificate of death, as he has not received the ship's. papers, and the owner of the ship, who is domiciled in America, makes no reply to applications for them. The son's life was insured, and the insurance company withh9ld the insurance money, a"nd demand an ordinary certificate of death. In this case we think their demand is unreasonable, and they can be compelled to pay upon such reasonable proof as would convince a Jury that the person insured is dead.

If the company will not accept this view, the person entitled to the money should sue them, and a jury will decide the issue whether the insured is dead or not.

H. S. lent a sum of money to A. B. in March 187G, and in May, 1876, A. B. repaid a moiety of it, but has not since paid anythi11g further on account of principal or interest. H. S. does not wish to inconvenience A. B.) but wants to know how he can keep the debt trom being barred by the statute of limitations. He should obtain a written acknowl~dgm~.nt of the debt from A. B. before next May, in which it should be stated that it 1s gi-ven with the object of taking the debt out of the statute, and should also mention the exact sum owing. It need not be stamped. It must be dated, and addressed to H. S., and signed

by A. n. Payment of any sum on account of interest in the presence of witnesses who were informed of the reason of the payment would have the like effect.

A. B. (Crowle) has a garden into which his neighbour's roultry are constantly trespassing, to the injury o the garden and his great annoyance.

The garden is fenced, but the birds fly over. The neighbour takes no steps to v.ut an end to the wrong, but replies that he will pay the loss if a claim is made upon him. A. B. would not be satisfied by payment for the money value of the plants injured or destroyed, and wants to know if he may kill the birds when they are on his land. :ge may not, but he may commence an aotion ago.inst his .neighbour and sue for an injunction for. the di;;continua.nce of the trespass as well as for damages, and as soon us his neighbour gets i_i1tin1utiqn of what is coming, we think he wil) not orrly change hi~ own tune, , but clip, hi,s qir~' winJ!s. ·

ArRIL 22, 1882.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENT8.

Curn.-If the particulars we 'gave seemed to be in favour of one political party, so much the better for that party. They were facts, and published as such, without any attempt to maka deductions therefrom.

WALTER (Kilburn).-The fact of your competition being so short is a merit rather than otherwise. We should like to give the prize to o. competition two lines long, if one should be sent in good enough. Most of our competitors err on the other side.

T. W.-Competitions sent to the L ondon or Liverpool offices would be placed with the others, but it is better to send them to the Manchester office to avoid delay, as the adjudication takes place in the latter city.

CuRious.-You are mistaken. The ryhmo, entitled "A beautiful town by the sea" (Southport),_ whi?h appeared in our last issue, has not been m prrn t before.

H. D.-We much prefer printed matter to written competitions.

WILLI.A.M RILEY.-Like those of numerous of our friends, your competitions are too lon"-you were not perhaps a ware that your last contribution would take up two pages of Tit-Bits. It is so well written that it would be impossible to condense it without breaking the thread of the story, and the subject is not one which we care about sufficiently to give so much space to it.

HOW TO CTJRE INTEMPERANCE. THE New York Sun gives the following as a sura cure for intemperance, provided anyone wants to be cured. No doubt, among the many victin1s, some will gladly avail themselves of it.

In the first place, the patient must have a desira to reform, coupled with a determination that ha will conquer the adversary or perish in the struggle.

Then the physical system of the patient should be relieved from impurities as far as possible by a. thoroughly cathartic treatment- blue pill and citrate of magnesia recommended. Then there m ust be a complete cessation from all alcoholic drinks, even to the lightest wines, beer, or cider_ There must be no gradual stoppage, but teetotal abstinence; here the will power of the patient will receive its severest test, and must prove the metal of the man. Begin at once to use the following prescriptions, which are readily procured at any first-class apothecary store: · NO. 1-FOR NERVOUSNESS,

R, Elli:. Vrtlerio.nate Ammonia -

• 11-2 oz.

Water - 4 1-2 oz.

Mix. '.l.'o.ke a small wineglassful when t he pa,tient . feels the absolutely necessity of some stiniulant.

NO. 2.-FOR STRENQTilENINQ.

R. Citrate Iron and Quinine · Tincture Gentian Corup.

• • • • Simple 'Elixir • ·- · • lllix. Dose.-A teaspoonful twice daily,

• 1 dram, • 1-2 oz.

• 21-2 oz,

APRif

..

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o. curious 1 it, in mem

carried b "precious' furnace an N1wm~

mooting, :presence Johnson1 ' times forl tempernnc Sah·ation from h er i PROTJ'S ·c ensus gi,1 l)rotcstant J>rotestan t church for 612 people LrFEBO tho manng, lnstitutim of the So· vessels, n perilous e· helped to tho ycp.r.

Fnms. nlarm is remain tr: disperse in; tonlarm.

STORIN 11l1ould be light coin open the other men in tholiglit no troubl1 taken.

NO. 3-FOR SLEEPLESS~"ESS,

R. B!·omide Sodium - 1-2 oz.

Pepsin • • - 1 1-2 drnms.

Sub Nitrate Ilismuth • • 1 dmm. '.l.'incture Capsicum • • • 30 drops.

8imple Elixir • 1 oz.

Water · • • - sufficient to make 4 oz.

Mix. Dose -A teaspoonful three times during the day, and two t easpoonfuls at bedtime.

If the patient ha.s been a. heavy and prolonged drinker, the shock to the nervous system will be considerable, no doubt; but the antidote will sustain even the worst cases, and very soon a i·estorod and. natural appetite, which should ho supplied with a generous diet of substantial foot11 and either tea or coffee, will invigorate and builu. up the patient's system to its natural condition. .He will then rejoice in the freedom of his new 'life, and become imrcrvious to all temptation to . indulge ever mqre 111. the . C~lp. w:hi~p. h~ caused him and his friends so much misery.

wearer. tlto first w with tho e t aining o. t descencc small Fan ceale<l on t NUMilEll,

Dy a calcu

l

some years1 there nre words, in J, in the lt'rcr Grwk 50,0 22,000 in lfl,000 tit

mn.'>ter of 2,000morc other •J.000

Arnn, 22, 1882.

1882.

HITS. seemed to o much the facts, and ]Jt to make your com· rather than the prize to l should be competitors London or h the others, 1 Manchester lcation takes The ryhme, sea" (Southssue, has not

l matter to numerous of long-you t contribution ~its. It is so 1ssible to conl of the story, we care about it.

100

"@RANGE. ming as a sure yone wants to many victims, fit. st have a desire nation that ha in tho struggle.

1tient should be s possible by a.

-blue pill and d. Then there 1m all alcoholic s, beer, or cider~ ~e, but teetotal the patient will prove the metal lSe the following ?rocured at any rESS.

• 1 1-2 oz.

- 4 1-2 or..

1Vhen the patient : some stiniulant.

ENING.

• 1 dram.

• 1-2 oz.

• 2 1-2 oz.

Laily. s~n~ss.

- 1-2 oz.

- 1 1-2 drams.

1 dram.

30 drops.

1 oz.

lcient to make 4 oz.

1

times during the

ocdtime. avy and prolonged llS system will be the antidote will and very soon a which should ba rl substantial food LVigorate and build natural condition. eedom of his new all temptation to whi}:h has caused LiserY:· ' · ·

,,

15 .

TIT-BITS .

How MILTON CAME TO WRITE "PARADISE REGAINED."-At the time of the great plague in London the poet of "Paradise Lost " took up his abode at Chalfant. Thomas Ellwood, the Quaker, took this "pretty box " for him, and it was here that he sugt,ested to him the idea of "Paradise Regained." ~1ilton had handed to him the manu:MoIIAmIEDAN EXPECTATIONS.-Orthodox Moscript of "Paradise Lost" to pass his judgment on linmmedans expect the end of the world this year, the work. Ellwood pleasantly said to him," Thou Urn year 1,300 of the Hegira. . hast said much here of Paradise lost1 but "·hat hast thou to say of Paradise found~' 'l'he poet TrTLE-PAGES.-ln the British Museum there made no answer, but seemed for some time m a nre nine thick voltm10s entirely composed of titlemuse; then broke off that discourse, and fell upon page.-1, the collector of which mutilated thousands another subject. After the sickness was over, and of volumes to obtain them. the city well cleansed, be returned thither; and DIFFICULTIES OF TRANSLATORS.-Bible trans- when afterwards Ellwood went to wa.it on him PnINTI~G IN ScoTLA.ND.-The art of printing was introdnced into Scotland about the year 1508. lators among the heathen have often found it there Milton showed him his second poem, called It had taken more than thirty years to travel difficult to fix upon any word to express the idea " Paradise Regained,". and in a plea~ant tone said conveyed by the Greek or Hebrew. For instance, to him, "This is owing to you, for you put it into from England. an untutored native of India has no idea of ice or my head by the question you put to me at ChalA °MEMORIAL BELL.-A church in Virginia has snow ; and so there is no word,. we think, in the font, which before I 11ad not thought of." n. curious memorial bell. The.lady who presented vernacular dialects to express the idea. But one it, in memory of her son, sent the watch and coin;; of the most remarkable stories is told by Mr. A. THE HIGHEST INHABITEDBUILDING IN Eun.oPE. carried by him at the time of his death, and Burnell in the .Acaderny. In one of the Dutch "precious from association," to be thrown into the islands about Java, sheep were unknown until the Hitherto the hospice of the Great 8*. Bernard, which stands 8,200 feet above the level of the sea, furnace and recast in the bell.

Dutch introduced them, although the people has enjoyed the distinction of being the most already had goats.

Sheep, therefore, came to be N.1-:v1m TOO LATFl TO MEND.-At a recent called Dutch goats. A missionary translated elevated inhabited building in Europe. 'l'his meeting, held in Victoria Hall, Leeds, in the "Lamb of God" by "Son of the Dutch Goat of honour it can now no lon~er claim. During the past year the city authorities of Catania, in Sicily, presence of about four thousand people, Jane have caused to be e;·ected near the summit of the Johnson) aged 74 years, who has been in gaol 240 God." .great volcano, Mount Etna, an astronomical times 1or drunkenness, publicly signed the EXTRAORDINARY TRANCE CASE. - Professor observatory, which stands 2,943 metres above the temperance pledge under the auspices of the Wheatstone relates the following remarkable sea level or fully 1,000 feet higher than the Salvation Army, by whom she has been reclaimed trance-case as well authenticated. A man who hospice of St. Bernard. 'fhe structure is 9 metres from her intemperate habits. was chopping down trees in a wood lay down and in height, a.nd covers an area of 200 square metres.

PROTESTANTS IN A11mmcA.-The United States slept much lon7er than usual; when he awoke life It consists of an upper and a lower storey, and is census gives 92,653 l'rotestant churches, 71,6G2 was a blank; ne was not in a state of idiocy, but built in a circular form ; in the lower storey there l'rotcstant ministers, und 9,003,030 members of all his acquired knowled~e was obliterated. He rises a massive pillar, upon which is placed the l'rotestant churches. 'l'his is at the rate of one learned to read again qmckly; but all that had great refracting telescope. The lower storey is church for 472 persons, and one minister for every passed previously to his trance was entirely swept divided into a dining-room, kitchen, and storeaway from his memory. A.t the age of fifty rooms. In the upJ?Cr storey there are three 612 people. he slept again an unusual time ; on awaking, bedrooms, intended for the accommodation of LifEBOATs.-There are new 271 lifeboats under his first act was to go to the tree which he had astronomers and tourists visiting the establishment; the management of the Royal National Lifeboat been felling on the former occasion to look for his the roof consists of a moveable cupola, or dome.

In~titution. During the past year the lifeboats hatchet ; the medium life was now forgotten, and From the balconies of the upper storey a prospect of the Society saved 966 persons from wrecked the former life returned in its distinct reality. of vast extent and grandeur is presented ; the vessels, nearly the whole of them under very spectator is able to see over half the Island of Jlerilous circumstances. 'The lifeboats had also Sru.rns.-Sprains are the effect of over-stretch- Sicily, the I sland of Malta, the Lipari Isle~ and helped to save 33 vessels from destruction during ing or tearing the ligaments of a joint, and are the province of Calabria, on the mainland of .Ltaly. very likely to occur in the wrist and ankle bones, The observatory is erected upon a small cone, the year. productive of extreme pain, sometimes which will, in the case of eruption1 J>rotect it FrnEs.-When a cry of fire, or any sudden and arefaintness and vomiting. Immediate atten- completely from the lava stream, which always alarm is raised in a public building, sit still, and causing tion is necessary. For severe sprains, if over a flows down on the opposite side of the volcano. remain tranquil till the assemblage is allowed to joint, apply leeches, and encoura9e the bleeding dlliperse in a quiet manner. On no account yield by a hot p(mltice, after which the tollowing lotion, PREPARING FEATHERS FOR BEDS.-Mrs. Richardto alarm. Granting there is a real cause of danger, used hot, should be applied until the swelling is you are infrnitely more safe sitting than trying to reduced: Sal ammoniac, tan ounce; sugar of lead, son's plaR2 for which she received a premium of theAdelphi Society:-Take for ru.:;h wildly to the door. t an ounce; dissolve in 20 ounces of camphor- twentygumeasfrom every gallon of clear water llb. of quicklime, mix STORING APPLES.-During frosty weather apples water, and add 4 ounces of vinegari· mix, make them well together, and when the undissolved should be kept in a drawer or cupboard ·with the hot, and apply by means of flanne and linen. lime is precipitated in fine powder, pour off the light completely shut out. When a thaw comes, When the swelling is reduced, and only a stiffness clear lime water for use at the time it is wanted. open the drawer or cupboard, but by screens or of the joint remains, the part should be rubbed Put the feathers to be cleaned in another tub, and · other means still keep the light excluded. Thawed with a simple substance, such as oil or lard. add to them a sufficient quantity of the clear -lime in thelight the apple rots. If this fact be remembered, }3ITES OF DoGs.-The bite of a dog, when in a water to cover them about 3 inches, when well no troUble to keep the apples from frost need be rabid state, is, as everybody knows, highly immersed and stirred therein. When thoroi1ghly taken. dangfaous; but when the wound is inflicted by an moistened, they will sink down, and shouldremafo ELECTRICITY APPJ,IED TO PERSONAL DECORA.- anima.l not in a rabid state, then little or no incon- in the lime water three or four days, after which TION.-At the Crystal Palace there is a diminutive venience is felt. The first step is to ascertain if the foul liquor should be separated from tho breast-pin, which can be illuminated by a two- the dog is mad. When it is believed that the dog feathers by laying them on a sieve. 'fhey should inch Faure battery, carried in the pocket of the is mad~ immediately tie a piece of cord above the be afterwards well washed in clean water, :lnd wearer. A necklace or a bracelet of diamonds of bite, tnus leaving the wound smooth and clean, dried on nets, the meshes being about the same the first water could not compare for brilliance which should be cauterised with a red hot iron, fineness as those of cabbage nets. They must with the effect of a ·string of crystals, each con- nitric acid, or pot'.tssa fusa. Of these, nitric acid from time to time be shaken on the nets, and as they taining a tiny filament of carbon, heated to incan- is the best, because it gets more readily to the dry they will fall throufl'h the meshes, and are to descence by an electric current supplied from a bottom of the wound. Poultices may be applied be collected for use. T11e admission of air will be small Fame battery, which might easily be con- to promote a discharge of matter; a stimulant serviceable in the drying, and the whole process should also be given. If the dog is not mad, even may be completed in about three weeks. The cealed on the person. then, in some perr:.ons, the wound will become feathers, after being thus prepared, will want" noNuirnER OF Won.Ds IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES. troublesome. Ia this case hot water should be thing more than beatinrr for use, either us beds, By a calculation made from the best dictionaries' poured into the wound several times daily, a11d bolsters, pillows, &c. So effectual is this method some years ago\for each of the followin~ languages, nitrate of silver (lunar costic) sharpened to a point and so preferfl.hle to the old and common way of there are in t te Rpn.nish bnguage about 20,000 applied to the bite. To allay pain at night give staving or baking, tlw.t an eminent dealer having words, in the Engli:>h 22,000 in the Latin 25,000, 20 or 30 drops of laudanam. If the dog is in a sent to the Society :;omc bags of foreign feathers, in the French 30,000, in the italian 45,000, in the secure place, "·h ere he can do no further injury, which retained their nnp\ea!>ant smell after ha Ying Greek 50,000, and iu the German 80,000. Of the and there be r.ny donbt about his nmclness, he been stoYed the usual period of three days, tl.icy 22,000 in the Engbh langur.ge there arc about should be k ept until all doubt is removed, and if 1 were in this \nt~' rcnclered pct>fectly sweet and clca.n. lf>,000 that a man umlerstands who is before fortunately he be not rabid, it i~ a grea.t somce of 'l'his ·is Ycry Hn})ort::mt, more especially as Hw ma.->ter of the Latin, ·French, and Italian; and relief to the patient, who is spared months of feathers; hy not Lei11g 11arJencd with hcat,ccrtai.11Jy 3,000 more if he be master of the German. The misery by knowing it. reouirc less beating. other 4,000 are probably the old British.

Tit-Bits of GeneralInformation

DISTINGUISHED :MEN OF LOWLY BIRTH.-Euripedes was the son of a fruiterer, Virgil of a baker, Horace of a freed slave Sixtus the Fifth of a swine-herd, Fletcher of a chandler, Massillon of a turner, Tamerlane of a shepherd, Greinault of a journeyman b,.aker, Rollin of a herdsman, Moliere of an upholsterer, J. J. Rousseau of a watchmaker, Sir Samuel Romilly of a goldsmith, Ben J onsou of a mason, Shakespeare of a butcher, Sir Thomas Lawrence of a customhouse officer, Collins of a hatter, Gray of a notary, Beattie of a farmer, Sir Edward Sugden of a barber, Thomas Moore of a grocer, and Rembi·andt of a miller.

I

1(!

TIT-~ITS.

OELEBRATEJJ HOAXES.

Istr.ffs, with the fishing reds as measuring and levelling and the fishing lines as yard and rood

APRIL

-

22, 1882:

SERVED HIM SHABBILY.

measures. Presently a parlour window opened, SnoRTLY before three o'clock the other afternoon and out walked the occupant of the villa a THE other night old man Wickle and his wife-, a farmer from the vicinity of Hempstead appe~1~d well-to-do alderman. In great wrath, he demanded walking home from a "mite society," engaged in. in front of the Stock Exchange and entered mto what the two interlopers were about. Hook coolly, a iuarrel. r.onvcrsation with a. citizen who was waiting at bu't courteously, told him- t~t a new canal was to 'I'm not_going out with you any more, Samuel,"' the door by asking: "The convention in there oo cut directly across the lawn, and that accurate said Mrs. Wickle. "You are too old a man to cut breaks up at three o'clock, don't it~" " Yes, measurements were necessary to determine the up the way you did to-night. The idea of an old that's the hour," was the rei:;lr,- "Do you know -exact direction which it should take. Partly in man, who has got the rheumatism so bad that lie Jay Gould when you see him 1 ' "0!1.J.yes." "Is rage, p,artly in despair, the alderman invited them can't pull his socks on mornings, ~oing to a mite he in there 1" "I presume so." " well, I wisll in to 'talk it over;" a sumptuous dinner and the meeting and cavorting and romping as you hall& you'd point him out to me when he comes out." best of wines were.just ready; and the alderman done to-night. I say it's a shame." 'l'hc citizen promised to do this,:, and within a few endeavoured to persuade the surveyor that another "I may have rheumatism," reIJlied the old man~ minutes he kept his word. '.i'he farmer took a line for the canal might be easilyobtainedwithout "but I haven't got dyspepsia. I don't growl ana square look at the railTOad and telegraph prin-ce, touching his lawn at all. Hook and Mathews snap_ at everybody." and then turned and asked : "Arc you dead revealed the hoax before taking their departure, "I won't walk with a man who acts like· :1. sure 1" "'Oh, yes." " Can't be no mistake 1" ancl managed to talk him into a hearty laugh rhinoceros."

"No." "Well, it's about as I suspected. A few I about it-rendered all the more easy by the fa~t "How does the rhinoceros act 1" a.~ked the aid <lays ago a ~reat big .slouch of a fellow halted at that the dreaded canal was only a myth, and that man, thinking to catch her on natural l1istory. my gate anct began 1neasuring my ground with a ho had entertained two such eminent men as Mr. "Acts like a fool, that's how he acts " said Mrs. tape line, and squinting around in a most myste- Hook and Mr. :Mathews.

Wickle; walking rapidly away,leaving him several ;;::rious manner. I went out to see what wa.<; up, " gg '1 paces oehind. He finally caught up just aa a. N V and, after beating ;around for a while, he said ho " "1" Q young man came along.

O. 28 . was Jay Gould. I'd heard and read of Gould, THE UMBRELLA IN A HUMOROUS "You are walking pretty fast,'' said the old ,,.. gentleman.

-but I did'Iit knaw what he looked lik~" "It AS'P'ECT. must have been a fraud ! " "I am sure of that • His wife didn't say anything.

A wrpg 1'hould now; I pumped around to find what he was up I DO not know why it is so, but by common "It's clouding up," he remarked, "must b& iccly dressed. N to, and he finally said he wanted my place for an agreement the umbrella has Leen permitted to going to rain." orpha.n asylum. He was going to build one, as asswne a comic aspect. No man particularly-no The old lady made no reply, but the young man big as a. palace, a.nd take care of all the orphans journalist-can be considered as having wholly took in the situation. " You old villain," he A <:RF.AT modiste: in the country." "And, of course, you treated discharged his duty to his fellow-creatures unless exclaimed to Mr. Wickle, "what do you mean by ir wearing a new i l1im well 1" "Did'nt I ! Why, for three days he he has permitted himself to make some jocular attempting to thrust your company on a lady who- onnet the mouth i1 lived on the fut of the land and slept in the par- remarks concerning the exception of umbrellas does not want you 1 It's becoming too frequent lour bedroom! He was going to give me $25,000 from the law which governs other kinds of pro- for ladies to be insulted on the streets !>.Y loafers. for my land, aid the way we killed cl1ickens and perty. '1'he amount of facetiousness that has Get back." The young man struck at Wickle.

YnuNo ladies wh turned out sweet cake for him made the old attended the presentation oi that theory is already Mrs. Wickle clubbed her umbrella, and ex- ,n he restored to w-0ma.n sick. He finally jumped the house and incalculably gceat, ancl there is no reason for ck,imedgin their car tha took my Sm.lday suit and a fiddle worth $8." "I believing that it will not be increased to an " That's my husband," and struck the young don't believe Gould would steal a. fiddle." "That's infinite extent. It is, perhaps, a feeble idea upon man an undignified blow. . . , " .

"Tm: almtrditics what I thougbt, and so I came over to l1ave a look which to erect so vast a structure, but if it makes The old 1pan1, l'.ncouraged by his wife s strik& Ue 11nnn critic, "a at him. It wasn't Gould at all, but some base even a dismal sort of merriment we should not for the umon, Jumped on the young man, and c word • Hoz' whi, impostor." "And you a.re so much out i" "Wal, complain. held him, while the rattling ribs of the umbrell~ ' it looks that wo.y; but the experience is worth '!_'here are occasions when the simple elevation fell on the youth's head with a noise like hailsomething. It may not be & week before someone of an umbrella is grotesquely absurd ; as when a stones.

IT is estimated th. else will come along with a ten-foot pole in his group of British Guardsmen sheltered themselves '.' ~amuel1 nobody. can break up our domestie il.rs olc! he passe:i hand and o. tbeologicnl seminary in lus eye, and in this fashion from the rain during a certain felicity," said the wife, after the battle. / ~,1. ~o yon seo a! c:laim to be Russell Sage; ~nd the way I will battle, to the infinite disgust of Wellington, who "No, sir," answered Samuel· "when a man "c low one-thiru o knock him down and step on him and walk over ordered the tender warriors to put their umbrellas tries to destroy the domestic happiness of my ~ remaining two-t J1im, and drive him into the sile, will pay me a down lest the service should be made ridiculous. household he catches the consolidated power of profit of fifty per cent. on the investment."

And there wa.q the case of .Colonel Coombs,- my wrath."

I\ Mr~s RucruNA 'l'he incidents in the life of Hook comprise Coombs of Colorado. He had heard that the ogo~"'ooo 1iccr, on his cou1-ag, many in which that unscrupulous man played the most fer~cious. wild beast could be frightened, and 11 really mean to i>art of hoaxer. One of his victims was Romeo put to ~115'.ht, if an umbrella sh<!uld suddenly be IN a lane where it was impossible for tw() mon's month witl1 Coates, a man about town, in the days of the opened m its face, and.he deterl?me~ to test the 1 Regency-a beau, an amateur actor, who delighted matter.. One. day, whilst walkmt\ m the woods, vehicles to p~ss a Quaker in his gig confronted an ("- Pt reply, "or n obstinate fell°'~ -in a cart.

The Quaker mildly it. in riding tlu-ou~h the streets of the West End in Coombs_Perceived !1 pan the~ crouchmg, preparatoi:y a bedizened pmk coat of extraordinary shape. to makm~ a s:r;>nng: at him. Coombs ~eld. lus declined to back his horse; the obstinate fellow , Tm~ 1110 t s expcr One day this -eccentric received an invitation to a umbrella firmly m liis hand, and presentmg it at swore he would not. After an hour or so of in- v , magnificent entertainment given by the Prince tlrn panth~r, unfurled it. The result was not effectual discussion, t~e man in. t~e cart thouisht .[,.nn cJ;i~f 0n. ~h1:t~ R~gcn~, at Carlton House. He was almost crazy w~olly sa,t1sfactory, for the next mome~t the to crush the Quaker mto submisSion by ta.km~ >i;at .. I I1ii 1 j . c cc ! t Im oug with JOY at the honour; dressed and adorned ammal leaped upon the umbrella~ flattened it ot~t out a newspaper and calmly perusing it "Friend ' Quaker "when thou has finished thy \·dcrr<l bun fr?m himself to the highest attainable pitch, and drove and began to lunch u~on C?Om~s; not only d1a said the ' ·1 J l · .,, The man atcriy never saw 11 l"Cr!a ·II , , 1 c' in his fanciful chariot to Carlton House. The the ~east eat that anx10us mquirer after truth ixi.per, I tmst thou w1 1 enc it to me • was beaten, and backed l1is horse without more c H e:;.;; 0 card of invitatioli pa.~sed hi!fi safely through all but ~t swallo.we~ the hooke.d han?le of th~ ado. the outer portals and corridors; but when a nmbiella, which was held tightly .m Coombs V11 r:.-v n. lt:t~h fn I Y' private secretary, or chamberlain, at length scmti- grasp, ai:id ~or two or. three weeks it .wandered ipany where there ni~ed !t he P!Onounced it to be a forgery. In about with its nose buried among the nbs of the 1ths, the cxprcssior vam did poor-ilomeo Coates protest that he knew Ul!J.brella .. It was very handy. wh~n t~~re was NOTICES. her thrn~ts her t ' nothing of any forgery er hoax ; he wa.~ turned ram, but it <!bstructed. the annnal s visio~, and Tit-Bits will be forwarded direct from the Office, post; back ; and as his equipage had driven away he consequently it walked mto town and was killed. free, to any part of Europo, America, Canada, and Egypt, remark, " Dahy, r lie imagined, liut had to pick his way through the mud to 'the "QWQQQv at the following rates, prepaid:s. d. nearest hackney coach stand. It turned out that Ono Year................................. 6 6 Theodore'.Hook had cleverly imitated the invitation Half Year................................. 3 3 cROFOUND thougl1t l SHENSTONE said of the rat that nibbled away his Thrco Months........................... l 8 , card, one veritable specimen of which he had rlifc of man there n geography :contrived to obtain the loan of for a few hours. ill towardll his 20t London Office-152, Fleet Street.

A sea was to him a dish of ten, On another occasion, he associated as a companion jects l1is upper lip~ Mancl1estcr Uffice-EssPx Chambers, ·Essex Street. .And a kingdom broad and butter. in a hoax the elder Mathews, the comedian, a man And thu SCCOlltl I Liverpool Office-40, Harring_ton Street. full of wit and frolic, but withal, much more nxiously inspect.'! tl '°'O'°'Q kfr1clly and considerate than Hook. One day Jrny or.e finding difficulty in procuring Tit-Bits should lair is coming out. write to the Manchester Office.

H_?ok and Mathe'!"s took a row up the river to CURRAN was one day engaged m a ca.~c in Richmond. Passing a well-trimmed lawn at which he had for a colleague a remarkably tall and PRETTY nnec<loto i Back numbers may always be obtained.

Barnes1 they noticed an inscription board sternly slender gentleman, who had originally intended he <~neon wn.~ ta forbiclcting any stra~~ers to land on the lawn to take orders. The judge observing that the case All Jetter!< to be sent to the Offices of "Tit·Bits," and TIJJte<t to throw n I This was enou"h for rtook. Tyin~ the boat to;, under discussion involved a question of ecclesias- not to the addresses of the Printer or Proprietor. the mrriagc. Jlc tree, he and llfathews landedl takrng with them tical law, Curran interposed with, "I can refer ira fell on the rOll fishing rods and lines. HooK acted as a land your lordship to a high authority behind me) who Printed for tho Proprietor, GF.OROE NEWNES, of Sunny" red a halt, to give th1 1urvcyor, Mathews as his clerk. They paced slowly was once intended for the Church, though m my bank, Stretford, in the County of Lancaster, by 1othcr shi>t. 'l'his t WILLIA» EVANS, 3, Cross Street, Manchcster.-Saturda_y, to and fro 1tl011J{ the lawn, pretending to measure oninion he wa,~ Jitter for the steeple.') lowera were acccp:

I

,;-r·

1

April 22, 1882.