Wireless Magazine 2013 Wales Freshers Edition

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We have an exclusive chat with American Rockers Paramore

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Heaven’s Basement Live Inside The Mag, Urban Dictionary, Get The Look, News, Snowboarding, Student Fashions and Much More...

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Page 6: News

Freshers Edition 2013

In this issue....

Page 11-12: What Housemate Will You Be?

Page 16-17: Freshers Events

Page 26-28: Paramore Interview

Page 35-37: Jake Bugg Interview

Page 40-41: Chilli Pizza Challenge

Page 43-45: Student Stereotype Fashion

Page 46-47: Get The Look

Page 49-50: Phoenix Interview

Page 52-54: Student House Essentials

Page 56-57: House Mate Stories

Page 59-60: Fit For Free

Page 62-63: Mass Debate

Page 82-83: Halloween Party

Page 88: A Guide to Being Hungover

Page 90-91: Cheap Day Out Snowboarding

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issue....

NEWS WHAT’S ON GUIDE UNIVERSITY LIFE HACKS HEAVEN’S BASEMENT URBAN DICTIONARY COMPETITIONS MUCH MORE...

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WELCOME!

This publication is aimed at people over the age of 18, due to the nature of its content. If you are under 18, we suggest you put this magazine down and pick up a copy of Kerrang or Seventeen or something.

Sorry about that, our lawyers told us to tell you.

Well straddle me like a drunken donkey and call me sweetcheeks, we’re back and we’re ready to jump your bones. Every one of you. For any freshers who don’t know us, Wireless Magazine is written entirely by students, for students all over the UK. This has to be one of our finest issues to date, including interviews with the lovely Paramore, the pint sized Jake Bugg and the indecipherably lovely bleep merchants Phoenix.

Plus, there are exclusive live Layar videos from the brilliant Heaven’s Basement. Not only that, but we’ve got a competition to pimp out one grotty old student house into something that Batman would be proud of. Ooh, you lucky things you.

Editor: Andy Scott Sub-editor: Joseph Smith

Whilst every care has been taken to ensure that the data in this publication is accurate, neither the publisher nor its editorial contributors can accept any liability to any party or loss or damage caused by errors or omissions resulting from negligence, accident or any other cause.

Published by: WIRELESS MAGAZINE LTD

Design: Chris Law, Chris Ranken, Rob Armstrong Regional Editors: Tanya Harris, Andy Love Contributors: Chris Welsh, Laura Catlow, Gazz Wood, Laura Barns, Aimee Taylor, Matt Gammond, Marty McGovern, Nathan Simm, Amy Pay, Terri Dunn, Jess Rayner, Carris Boast, Holly Anna Risdon, Joss Rayner, Amy Cox, Sophie Smallshaw, Rachael Campbell, Rhian Fuller, Khia Reynolds, Ben Cole, Hannah Evenden, Claire Louise Johnson, Dani Shields, Gemma Clark, Steve Jordan, Leonie Ann Garlick, Alan Ormrod, Clare Barry, Michael Glynn

Telephone: 0151 345 3803 Advertising:sales@ukstudentmedia.net Editorial: info@wireless-online.co.uk

Big thanks to: Michael Daniels, Aimee Redman, Johanna Perez, Bryony Challoner, Marni Edwards, Harriet, Ashley and Claire from Atlantic Records, Gordon ‘Superhero’ Duncan, Livi and Paul from Zeitgest, Dave from Wild UK, Every one of the sexy buggers at Chuff Media, Mel from Phones4u, Jon at Liquid Rooms, Ed Robinson, Bob ‘The Godfather’ Newton, Rob and co at Sonic PR, Lisa at Naz Promotions, Everyone from Easyjet who was involved in losing our luggage. We love you all a lot.

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Wireless magazine (North Wales ed.) ISSN 2051-0225 / Wireless magazine (South Wales ed.) ISSN 2051-0233

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Wireless Magazine needs you! th

The UK’s biggest student lifestyle publication is still growing and we’re going to need your precious scribbling to fill these hallowed pages.

ly

· Review the best new films st g a m · Give us your take on the gamingu world dent · Tell us about your favourite gigs and bands. · Put the world to rights on issues that affect you. · Or simply write something that will make us giggle.

As a rule of thumb, if it’s funny or weird we’ll print it, run it on the website or feature it in our weekly app edition.

The experience looks great on your CV and we pay for articles from longstanding regular contributors.

To become a Wireless contributor just head to our Journalists Group on Facebook at www.tinyurl.com/wirelessjournos

To keep up to date with what we’re up to go to www.wirelessmag.co.uk

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201

NEWS

The Clash to Reunite

The three surviving members of the Clash have announced that they will reunite for an exclusive gig to be aired on BBC Radio 6. Mick Jones, Paul Simonon and Topper Headon will play to a small audience of fans at the BBC’s Maida Vale Studios in London. Between songs the trio will be answering questions from fans and from Radio 6’s Cerys Matthews. The show will be pre-recorded on September 6th and then broadcast at a later date. Matthews said: “I am thrilled to be talking with Mick, Paul and Topper at length on 6 Music and will be asking them about their early years, their inspirations and where life has taken them since.

“Their music gave a generation a voice not just in music but in the choice of how they lived their everyday lives and it still sounds as great, as fresh and loaded with good intent as music can ever be.”

Foo Fighters Announce New Album in 2014 Foo Fighters guitarist Chris Shiflett has announced that the band are to start recording a new album early next year. Dave Grohl confirmed that the record has already been written and hinted at a 2014 release date. Grohl has said that the follow up to 2011’s ‘Wasting Light’ will not be a “conventional record.” “We are going to make this album in a way that no one’s ever done before, and we’re pretty excited about it.”

The CIA Admit Area 51 Exists

Police give Potheads Doritos

Swiss Invent Drive-Thru Brothels

Newly released CIA documents have seen the US acknowledge the existence of Area 51 for the first time. The Air Force base, which is rumoured to house UFOs, has never had its exact location revealed until now.

Sadly for conspiracy theorists, the documents did not mention aliens.

Police in Seattle are planning to hand out bags of Doritos at the world’s largest annual cannabis rally, Hempfest.

Officers plan to raise awareness of the Washington State’s new drug laws which make it legal to use small amounts of pot recreationally.

It is still illegal to possess more than an ounce however.

Zurich has introduced drive-through ‘sex boxes’ in an attempt to regulate prostitution.

The boxes are a complex of wooden sheds in which customers can park their cars after picking up a prostitute from a predetermined location. City officials hope that the measure will help regulate the sex industry and make it safer for workers.

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This issue, we will be mostly... ...listening to Chvrches – The Bones Of What You Believe (out 23rd September) Debut from Glasgow’s finest electro pop three piece. The singles so far have already been part of our musical love life for the last year so it’s safe to say the rest of the album is going to give us an aural boner too.

Arctic Monkeys – AM (out 9th September) We’re very excited about this one. After their incredible performance headlining Glasto this year and the anthemic single Do I Wanna Know, the latest offering from Alex Turner and co. is quite simply a fucking exciting prospect.

SINGLE: Lorde – Royals (out 23rd September) The 16 year old New Zealander released her debut EP earlier this year and has already gained a massive following Down Under.

08

...and a classic Pearl Jam – Ten On its release Ten was pigeonholed into the grunge movement despite sounding more like Aerosmith or Cult than Mudhoney or Nirvana, largely because of the dark lyrics and the fact they came from Seattle. Stand out tracks Jeremy, Alive and Even Flow will blow yer balls off.

...going to see Filth (out 4th October) Written by the same fella who brought us Trainspotting back in the 90’s, Filth is a typically dark British-humoured movie featuring James McAvoy as a rogue policeman who loves his sex and drugs as much as the next badass.

...playing Grand Theft Auto V (out 17th Sept) GTAV is coming for

your entire winter, and possibly most of spring too.

Rockstar give you three main characters who you can switch between during missions and gameplay.

The multi-player world is ENORMOUS and the amount of stuff to do has gone up 1000%. Just quit your courses now.

...watching Breaking Bad (on Netflix) Oh it’s just so bloody addictive.

If you aren’t up to season five yet, we’re not going to spoil anything.

Although who knew Jesse would turn out to be a ghost?

...made up about Coming back to uni.

We know there is a lot of work involved, but there’s no denying that being back with all your mates or getting here for the first time is fucking awesome. Grab as much free stuff from the fresher’s fairs as you can, get down to the SU bar and enjoy some subsidised drinking.

There are many factors that need to be considered when choosing which university to attend. These can include what subject you’re studying, where you can afford to live and what the nightlife is like in the local area.

We asked students around the UK what kind of things influenced their decision, and here’s what they had to say:

Mary Allen (19) Manchester Metropolitan University Course Studied: Events Management “One of the main reasons for choosing Manchester was its proximity to my hometown Nottingham. I was far enough to not be bothered by the parents and close enough to go back to visit. I also chose Manchester as I had a lot of friends there already and knew that these connections would help me massively in my degree.”

William Davis. 24, Yorkshire, University of Liverpool.

Course studied: - Medicine.

I chose the University of Liverpool for its great reputation for medicinal studies, after a lot of research. I looked at Edinburgh Uni, Cambridge and Newcastle, but was sold to Liverpool due to how friendly and welcoming everyone was. The lecturers were really helpful on the open day which was great. I also knew I wanted a city with a decent nightlife, and that’s one of the best things about Liverpool. The nightlife is so good – it’s so diverse that literally anyone could have a good night out there. From the old-man type dives (which are great for pre-club cheap drinks) to cocktail bars, there’s so much going on.

My advice to freshers in Liverpool: - Three quadvods is too many. Stick to two.

Nicky Day Sheffield University

(21) Hallam

Course Studied: BA(hons) English Literature

“I picked Sheffield because I wanted to try living somewhere a bit different. I’m from Suffolk originally so I wanted to see what it was like up North, its completely different countryside here and its so easy to get to a variety of cities here, as well as being able to get to the Peaks!”

Nathan Ellingsworth UWE Course Studied: Film Studies “I’m from Bristol, so it was more about choosing to stay.

The incredible music scene, the artwork (both street and professional), places like Stokes Croft, the events and the people make Bristol for me.

Everyone just seems to know Bristol is special and somehow that’s what makes it special.”

09

WIRELESS

Quiz-

What kind of flatmate will you be?

s by Word ood W Gazz Barns ra + Lau

Moving into student accommodation is a bit like adopting a new family, albeit a family of freaks and drunks. Take our simple quiz to fi nd out what type of housemate you’ll be!

Q1. It’s your first big C) Nothing. Didn’t bring much B) Crash their party and show them how it’s really done. freshers night out. Which with me. do you go to?

A) ANY OF THEM. ALL OF THEM. NOW! B) Fancy Dress Foam Party. Go in a toga with no pants on.

C) My local. It’s Quiz Night.

D) The UV party. Time for parties and poppers.

E) Give it a miss entirely. Term starts in a week.

D) Optical illusions. Anything with bright colours and swirls.

C) I can’t hear anything. I’m at my Mum’s this week.

E) My flat mates’ timetables so I’ll know when the flat is quiet enough to study.

D) Sleep? I haven’t slept in 2 days!

Q4. You’ve got some friends from home coming to stay for the weekend. How do you let your fellow housemates know?

Q6. Flat inspection time.

The landlord has charged you for a broken chair in A) Tell them in person so I the kitchen. What do you can find out if they’re up to do?

Q2. You wake up with a souvenir from the night anything we can tag along to. before. What is it?

A) Canadian money, insect repellent and a top hat.

B) They’ll find out when all nine of my mates break into song at 4am.

B) A traffic cone and a ‘Dead End’ road sign taped to my arse.

C) My friend’s coming here? But I see them every week at home.

C) Train tickets home.

D) Not much point. We’ll be hotboxing in my room the entire time anyway.

D) 20 crisp packets and 5 empty tubes of Jaffa cakes.

E) A saucepan with sick in it.

E) Slip a strongly worded note under the door then inform Unipol in the morning.

E) Get everyone’s express permission then post the details on the flat Facebook group I made.

A) Better pay my share. It was probably when we were practising the pole vault for gymnastics club.

B) Fuck it. Haven’t got time to worry about chairs. Too busy working on the guns in the gym.

C) We had chairs in the kitchen?!

D) Dude... I swear it always looked bent?

E) Apologise profusely whilst

crying. Please don’t send me to Q3. Time to brighten up prison! your uni room. What do you Q5. The people in the flat put on your walls? above are making a ton of So how did you get on?

Turn to the next page to A) The promo hand-outs from the noise and you’re trying find out... clubs so I know what’s going on to sleep. What’s your response? for the next 4 weeks.

B) The opening monologue from Trainspotting. Not that I’ve seen it.

A) Wait to see if anyone else is going up, and then join the posse.

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ANSWERS Mostly As

The Yes-Man You’re up for anything all of the time. You’re the one who always starts conversations with ‘guess what I just signed us up to?!’

You’re a good person to get onboard with as it’s physically impossible for you to say no. To anything. Ever. Not so great at 3am when you need someone to team up on Dance Dance Revolution against the Mexican people you just met at Tesco.

Mostly Bs

The Bellend AKA everyone’s worst nightmare.

When you’re not bullshitting about getting laid by a Swedish model, you’re ripping your shirt so the V is even deeper. You leave your crap all over the place because you’re too busy being RANDOM and EPIC to clean up after yourself. Everyone else in the flat complains about you constantly when you’re not there. In fact it’s the only thing they talk about.

Don’t worry though, because in the 2nd year there’ll be a whole new group of people to inflict yourself on.

12

Mostly Cs

The Phantom You go home every single weekend, you didn’t actually bring any of your stuff with you to your Uni and when you are there you spend the whole time texting your friends back home. You might as well have not bothered.

You’re barely ever seen in the flat to the point where everyone forgets your name and refers to you as your room number.

Mostly Ds

The Wreckhead A new world of dealers opened to you the second you arrived, and it’s important for you to sample every single thing every single one of them has in order to make the most informed decision. You plaster the walls of your room with psychedelic patterns and swirls, all of which have corners ripped off because you needed to make roaches. You’re high right now in fact.

Mostly Es

The Guardian

Your motto is “OK, I guess I’d better sort that then.” because if you don’t do it, no one else will. There’s a time for partying and recklessness, and that time is before 10pm because you’ve got a tutorial tomorrow. Eventually you’ll cut loose and it’ll be a mess that no one will ever let you forget.

A QUICK WORD WITH:

Twenty One Pilots are and Electro Pop duo from Ohio who are striving to bring substance back into mainstream music. They recently made their late night TV debut in the States on the Conan O’Brien show and they’re about to go on tour over here alongside Fall Out Boy. We caught up with drummer Josh Dun: How did the band form and how did you first meet lead singer Tyler Joseph?

It was around 2009 or 2010. I was playing music and Tyler was playing music and we met through mutual friends. And we kind of wanted to get together, which is something people say all the time you know ‘hey let’s hang out’ and it never happens. But we ended up getting together two days later and we stayed up all night talking about our dreams and outlandish ideas for the future. We both wanted to play music together in some capacity although we didn’t exactly know what that looked like. I think it was about a year later that things fell into place so that we could play together.

You’ve supported dance and rock acts. Why do you think you’re music appeals to so many different music fans?

I think if you were to ask someone right now what their favourite genre of music is, I think probably maybe ten years ago people would

say ‘I love listening to rock’ or ‘I love listening to rap music.’ But I think now it’s not so much like that. If you ask most people that question now they’ll say ‘well I listen to everything.’

What kinds of things are written about on your album Vessels?

A lot music on the radio is meaningless.

Sometimes when you listen to a song you think, ‘what is this about?’ A lot people enjoy listening to music that has to do with dancing all night or partying or drinking alcohol.

The approach with this was to not write about those kinds of things. When we started out, travelling around playing smaller shows, we’d have conversations with people, and for some reason or other they’d be comfortable with talking about deeper issues that were going on in their lives. Whether that’s dealing with depression or searching for focus or even just figuring out how to grasp the concept of hope. Music needs talk about those things.

Twenty One Pilots’ Vessels is out now.

album

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WIN

competitions!

Text the word COMPS along with the competition number plus your full answer to 07786 202 430 including your name and uni. We’ll select the winner on 8/11/13, and let you know if you’ve won asap! Texts are just charged at your standard rate - we don’t make any profits or anything...

1

Everything on this page

facebook.com/wirelessmagazine For a chance to win every SCAN ME!! prize on this page, simply visit our Facebook page and “Like” us. One new friend will be chosen at random when the competition closes. It’s worth a shot!

FREE Nights Out!

Fancy a night out at Wales’ best club night? The good people at Cardiff’s Pop Bubble Rock are giving one lucky reader free entry to all there events throughout October with an exclusive Pop Bubble Rock t-shirt. Not only that, we also have 5 free tickets to their massive ‘PBR School Disco’ event. To win one of these great prizes just answer the following question:

Which of these things doesn’t contain bubbles?

A) Champagne. B) A bubble bath. C) Solid palladium.

2

BoomPack Bonanza...

Give your ipad some boom with the new IN2UIT BoomPack. These ipad speakers instantly enhance the sound quality and volume of the ipad and fold away behind the device so they can be carried around easily and discreetly. With a 10 hour battery life and durable leather cover, the speakers are perfect for parties and get-togethers. To win just answer this question –

Loud music is appropriate in which of these situations?

A) A student party. B) Hiding from dinosaurs. C) Badger watching.

3

Stay Clean For A Year

Tired of all the different bottles taking up space in your shared bathroom? The innovative Gym Bar is a bar of soap that can be used as a body wash, shampoo, shaving cream and even toothpaste! It’s friendly to the skin, designed for gym-goers and made from 100% natural pressed coconut ethically-sourced from Thailand. We have both 1 year’s supply and 2 year’s supply to give away, and all you have to do to win is answer this question: Which of these chocolate bars is made with coconut?

A) Bounty B) Mars Bar C) Picnic 15 01

E V E N T S Thisisit.Theweekwhenyougettoforgetaboutjobprospects,tuitionfees, student loans and UCAS forms. Freshers week is a time for drinking, making new friends, drinking, getting to know your new city, and more drinking.

Did we mention drinking? Let’s take a look at what’s going on in your city: To celebrate the coming of the freshers,

Bangor University

Bar Uno has a huge two week schedule of events from 21st September to 6th October.

Just to give you a taster, there’s going to

When: 21st September

be karaoke, tribute acts, casino night, a beach party, movie night and a Bangor’s got Talent competition.

Glyndwr University ber

When: 22nd Septem

Freshers week at Glyndwr will feature a hilarious comedy hypnotist show, a pyjama party, a funfair + circus night and a superheroes fancy dress party.

Festivities kick off on Sunday 22nd September.

Swansea’s Freshers Fortnight starts on 20th September and runs till 5th October. There’s a school disco, the Flux freshers festival, a comedy night, and MTV Blackout is coming to the SU on 27th September. The freshers finale is to take place at a secret location yet to be confirmed.

Students of Chester can look forward to a onesie party, a DJ set from Radio 1’s Comedy Dave, a live performance from dance giants Monsta, and Chester’s daylong event CH1LL Fest. The week runs from Sunday 22nd to Sunday 29th September.

16

Swansea University

When: 20th September

University of Chester When: 22nd September

University of South Wales ber When: 23rd Septem UoSW have covered all the bases; the events unfolding from the 23rd September include a Back To School Freshers Disco, the Score! Club Night, a foam party and a rock night featuring a Rammstein cover band. Last but not least is their Party Rockers Freshers ball on Sunday 29th, don’t miss out!

University of Wales, Trinity Saint David

When: 22nd September The campuses of Lampeter and Carmarthen are going to war with a dual helping of freshers fun.

Lampeter are kicking off with a cops and robbers themed party on the 22nd September followed by Crush and Reverb club nights and a UV party. Carmarthen on the other has a Flirt! Back to school disco, a Bavarian stompers party and a headphone disco. Which is the best campus? You decide!

Highlights from Aberystwyth’ s great line-up of events from 23rd September onwards include a show from Comedy Central Live, the Rampage Freshers Foam Party, a visit from the Mariachi ban d fro m the Dor ito s ad on Mar iac hi Mon day as wel l as a rea l cid er and ale fes tiv al.

Cardiff Metropolitan

When: 15th September A fortnight of events running from the 15th September all the way to the 2nd October featuring awesome nights such as a pirate pub crawl, comedy hypnotist show and a performance

by Tinchy Stryder. You can get access to nine of the events with a wristband for the measly sum of £10.

Cardiff University

When: 18th September Cardiff Uni’s massive freshers week runs from 18th – 29th September.

Standout events include the Welcome Party on 20th, a Foam Vs. Neon Party on 27th and the Freshers Ball on 29th featuring massive names such as Professor Green and Huw Stephens.

Aberystwyth University

When: 23rd September 17

North Although it’s arguably one of the most memorable parts of going to Uni, Freshers week is guaranteed to leave you embarrassed, skint and vomiting from every orifice. The transition from binge drinking to serious academic study can be tough, so we give you refreshers week, a list of sober things to do in your city that won’t cost you a bomb:

Wales SNOWDONIA NATIONAL PARK

Start

Sure you could go to the gym to stay in shape, but if you’re a real animal why not scale the highest mountain in England and Wales? Snowdonia National Park is the largest national park in Wales and taking a trip there is one of best ways to get to know the breathtaking landscapes of this country.

LLANDUDNO MUSEUM Why not broaden your horizons and learn a bit of history? Llandudno museum is dedicated to preserving artefacts from the town’s rich past. With rooms dedicated to the Roman, medieval and wartime eras there’s bound to be something to interest you.

BANGOR CASTLE The name is kind of misleading because Bangor Castle isn’t so much a castle as a 19th century mansion, but the walled gardens that surround it have won multiple awards. A truly beautiful way to spend a day off.

CENTRAL STATION, WREXHAM This is the number one location in North Wales for live music and although this page is supposed to be about sober activities, it does some pretty good club nights as well. Upcoming events include shows from Madina Lake, Johnny Marr and Spector.

CHESTER HIGH STREET Chester not only has deep historical roots that stretch way back to Roman Britain, but these days it’s now one of the top shopping locations in the north of England. If you have a bit of student loan money to burn and you want to look good for the first day of term why not get down there and buy a new outfit. The high street also seems to have a high standard when comes to buskers and street performers.

18

South

Wales

Words: Ben Cole So you’ve finished (or survived) Freshers Week.

Your wallet is considerably lighter. You have this feeling that your liver might be more the consistency of a granite slab than, well, a liver... FEAR NOT! There are things to do around the Cardiff area that don’t involve drinking! Farfetched?

Hear me out...

Walking

Start

Yes, some people walk for pleasure. With miles and miles of walks to do in and even around the Cardiff area, you’re spoilt for choice. Not a fan of river/city walking? That’s cool. If you head to Cardiff Central Station, you can get a train to the nearby Taffs Well for the princely sum of £3.10 (one way). For those pining for the green grass of home, this is a great idea. Why not bring a picnic?

Get Cultured Wales is full of this culture stuff. It really is. There is Cardiff Castle with free entry to students (you’re really going to appreciate free stuff soon enough). Multiple tours and walks within the city are also a must for those wishing to know a bit more about the place. There’s live music available in the many bars and pubs in the city, most of the time it’s free too, which is great. I know it’s in a bar or pub, but you can always order a soft drink, right?

Otherwise, for a bit more of a relaxed vibe, there are venues such as St David’s Hall that offer Ballet, Classical concerts, and big comedy head-liners.

Relaxation Bit tired? No worries. Cardiff Bay is where the city goes to unwind. With a whole host of great restaurants, majestic views, and an incredibly relaxed atmosphere, you’ll need to experience this at least once.

Although, if you want to relax in a more natural setting, you should really take advantage of one of Caridff’s many parks. Bute Park is the biggest; Roath Park is smaller but comes complete with a convenient lake that you can hire row boats or pedalos by the half hour from £6.

Just don’t start singing “Row Row Row your Boat...”

19

Words by - Amy Pay

Tidy

Urban

!

Dictionary Feeling stumped by a word that a Welsh person has said? It could be that they used a Welsh word, a bit of local dialect or even some Wenglish, a form of English that is mixed with Welsh language habits. If you live in Wales, you are sure to hear some of these gems. Luckily, we have translated the specialities into everyday English.

NB there is no easy way to describe how to pronounce the ‘ch’ found in many welsh words. It is similar to the throaty ‘ch’ sound in ‘Bach’ or ‘Loch’. If it sounds like you are coughing up a cold, you are doing it right. Yum.)

‘Tidy’

Meaning: Good, well done, nice one Example: “Tidy job on the 2:1, mate!”

‘Lush’

Meaning: Very nice, pretty, attractivelooking. Example: “This cake is lush”

‘Knobblin’

Meaning: Really cold. Example: “It was knobblin’ out”

‘Hangin’ or ‘ych-a-fi’

(“uhkk-ah-vee”) Meaning: Disgusting/ horrible/ gross Example: “Ych-a-fi! This cheese is mouldy!”

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‘Beaut’ or ‘Bach’

(‘barhkk’) Meaning: An affectionate way to address friend. Example: “Alright, bach?”/ “feeling okay, beaut?”

‘Butt’ or ‘Butty’

Meaning: Friend. Example: “We’ve been butties since primary school”

Where’s it to?

Meaning: Where is it?

Example: “Where’s my pen to?”

‘Cwtch’

(‘cootch’) Meaning: Hug/ snuggle. Example: “She was upset so I gave her a cwtch”

‘Shockin’

Meaning: Awful/ bad/ disgusting Example: “We had shockin’ weather”

‘Aye’

Meaning: Yes. Example: “Aye, I got your text”

‘Tampin’

Meaning: Mad/ angry. Example: “He was tampin’ because he dropped his kebab”

‘Now in a minute’, ‘in a bit’, ‘after’ or ‘later’

Meaning: At some unspecified time in the near future. Example: “I’ll do the washing up after”

‘Ta’

Meaning: Thank you. Example: “Ta for the lend”

‘Twp/dwp’

(‘doohp’) Meaning: Stupid/ dumb. Example: “That guy is so dwp”

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e e r f ! f f u st

Words

By

Chris

Welsh

Who doesn’t love free stuff? ‘Swag’ in the classic sense of the word, as opposed to the bastardised version being thrown about by rappers and twats. Free stuff, even if it’s something you don’t particularly want, is great.

To that end, we’ve compiled a list of (legal) free things you might want to look into. Most of them are free trials but they’ll still require your credit card details, so if you decide you definitely don’t want to pay anything after the trial ends, be sure to cancel the account a few days before they start taking your pennies away.

(Disclaimer: If you like the products, you can support them with money etc etc).

Graze Box Lovefilm The DVD, Blu-Ray and Videogame service you get through the post. You can have a month for free just for signing up, with no obligation to continue paying after that.

Select their highest package and you can get three discs at a time. If you’re quick with sending them back, you could get around ten films and a game or two in that free month. After that, the most basic package is £5.99 per month. www.lovefilm.com

Netflix Similar to Lovefilm, except it's only Streaming content that you get. But if you've got a decent internet connection and jack-shit else to do with your time, you could stream stuff for twenty-four hours, every day of that free month, and still not make a dent in what they have. At the very least you could watch a movie a night for thirty days for free.

After the free month, it'll cost you £5.99 for the full streaming service. www.netflix.co.uk

Free scran! Exceedingly healthy nibbles delivered directly to your door the grand sum of zero pence. You can’t just sign up at their website and get one for free, but a quick search around should dig up a promotional code to snag yourself a box for nowt. I found five in my first Google search. www.graze.com

e l a S Free Pet food.

Tastecard If you’re trying to save money and you’re eating in restaurants, you’re doing it wrong. But if you insist... you might as well get half your money off for nothing.

Sign up for a trial of the Tastecard and you’ll get 30 days of 2-for-1 meals. www.tastecard.co.uk/trial

Try this: Open Google, type in ‘Free Cat/Dog/Rabbit/ Goldfish food’ and see how many bloody links pop up.

Dozens of pet food makers want your dog hooked on their grub, so they’ll happily send you free samples. So long as Pooch doesn’t expect to see the same meal every time you fill his bowl, you can probably keep this going for a while.

Spotify It’s a great service even with the ads, and totally free, but if you want to avoid being shouted at by some bellend trying to sell you toothpaste or Rihanna’s latest album between every third and fourth song, you can sign up for the Premium service and earn yourself 30 ad-free days. www.spotify.com

Tell companies you like their stuff.

Complaining.

Conversely, if you have a bad time of something (say, at a cinema, restaurant, or anywhere really) tell whoever might be in charge.

At the very least you’ll get to see someone apologise with practised sincerity and you might get some ‘tokens of their appreciation’ at the same time.

You know those ‘Let us know how we’re doing!’ boxes you find on the packets of everything from cat food to Captain Birds Eye’s Fried Cod Bollocks? Well, I have an aunt who routinely calls those numbers, sends letters to those addresses, saying “I thought you were great!” and she includes her home address. In return she gets a whole bunch of vouchers and samples for those products because apparently companies are needy attention whores who crave positive feedback.

Free Drinks at Revolution Bars Almost every week I get an email from the Revolution Vodka Bar chain, offering me either two-for-one cocktails or a voucher to try their newest concoction for free.

Sign up for their mailing list at, www.revolution-bars.co.uk

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Bands and artistsi that started at Un One of the best things about going to Uni is meeting a bunch of smart, like-minded individuals that you can ideally form a band with. If you’re a musician it will be a huge relief to be around people whose music taste stretches further than ‘What’s The Story Morning Glory?’ Here are some acts that were formed by bored students:

Radiohead The members of Radiohead originally formed while at school in Oxfordshire and the band continued to develop while they were all studying at different universities.

Back then they were called ‘On A Friday’; thankfully EMI forced them to change the name after they were signed.

The Strokes The Strokes formed when guitarist Albert Hammond Jr. came to New York to attend NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, but that wasn’t the first time he and Julian Casablancas had met. The pair initially crossed paths in Switzerland while Julian was at Le Rosey boarding school. That’s right; The Strokes aren’t the poverty-stricken New York ragamuffins they like to dress like.

Pink Floyd Pink Floyd are the band who launched a million acid trips but what would they have been doing if they had never formed? Well when the original members met they were all studying architecture at London Polytechnic, which begs the question, what would the building equivalent to ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ look like?

It’s probably best to leave drug taking to the musicians kids.

Queen Curly-haired badger-saviour Brian May is famously the most academic member of Queen being an astrophysicist at the weekend, but how qualified are the rest of the band? Freddie Mercury earned a diploma in Art and Graphic design while drummer Roger Taylor joined the band while he was studying to be a dentist. Oh how differently it could have all turned out.

The Doors

The late Ray Manzarek first met Jim Morrison while they were both attending UCLA in Los Angeles. After graduation Morrison moved to Venice beach where he lived solely on canned beans and LSD and spent most of his time lying on a roof taking notes on a rock concert taking place in his head. When the pair eventually met again they would go on to form one of the most influential rock bands in history. It sure beats doing a Master’s.

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Words: Clare Barry

w e i v r e t n I

A

fter a few years of self-admittedly t u r b u l e n t infrastructures, both personal and professional, it could be easy to argue that despite currently touring their self-titled album on their self-titled tour everything about the band has changed - except the name. After the initial five piece turned to a four piece, then to a five piece again, then to a three piece - speak to almost any fan and they’d say something like: “I love Paramore! At least, I mean, I think I do!

I’m not sure who is in it?

Right now?”

The All-American pop punk band started as four childhood friends. Today, though still fronted by the infamous red headed firecracker Hayley Williams, while sporting original member Jeremy Davies on bass - fans were still concerned that the bands evolution, in lieu of the loss of its founding members: would turn it into Hayley Williams and The Machine. Or Hayley and The Diamonds. Or Hayley and The Maker. You catch my drift.

However with the release of the new album and new image it has become apparent that Paramore, with new guitarist Taylor York, have now become a trio that even tighter and even more balanced than ever.

The opening track on the album, “Fast In My Car” touches on thisand Williams allegedly wrote it 26

about the bond between the band members. Jeremy Davies explains: “I feel like the lyrics in that song tell you everything you need to know about what happened before and where we’ve been. It’s kind of like we’re opening up the album saying, ‘Hey, we’ve been gone for a while we know, me and my three friends here, we’ve been through a long fight but we’re

back and we feel victorious on the other side.’ We kind of feel like we made it through the war, you know?” *laughs* “No, I’m serious.

It actually felt that way.”

Upon being asked how that friendship works, he says: “I think that everybody needs a stable ground to fall on, you need something reliable that is yours. You kind of have nothing on tour. No family, no close friends, no access to your own bed - and I guess we kind of act as that thing that we all have, for each other. Luckily, we’ve only grown as friends more and more, despite spending every hour of every day together, but only because we balance each other.

We keep each other’s feet on the ground - hopefully in the right spot.”

For any fan, the new album was interesting because it was a distinctly different sound.

It was still undoubtedly Paramore-esque, but neater, potentially less claustrophobic and dispersed with interludes that changed the atmosphere of the entire record. Though there are a lot of new influences and styles on the album, the band did however rewrite one of their sold songs, suggesting it has some prolific meaning, but Davies remains tight lipped on the songs semantic symbolism and sticks to the sound: “Each song is very personal to Hayley, they’re all something that she’s been through. I suppose, when we were writing the album- they always ask us to write as many songs as we can, so we just went at it, so it is weird that we brought an old song onto the new album. I suppose, what we

“Each song is very personal to Hayley, they’re all something that she’s been through.” were doing was that we really wanted to evolve and sound like a new band, able to demonstrate all of our new influences, or ones we’ve just never been able to show- but what we also tried to do was cater to some of the songs from our old record, because we don’t want to exclude

any of our old fans. They’ve been there for us. We wanted them to have something they were used to, too.” He pauses: “That was hard, actually- to write very Paramore sounding songs, when everything had changed. The song kind of stands for that, I guess.

That was the way we looked at this album. How much can we save from the initial Paramore sound and put it into all of our new influences? We brought a song from the dead.”

f “...We kind oe feel like wgh made it throu u the war, yo know?”

Hardcore Paramore fans would have probably devoured another pop punk, flaming hair, ripped tights and hoodies-esque recordhowever, both the sound and the image of Paramore changed, undeniably, but not for the worse. With their new music video for “Still Into You” looking like a creative video to accompany a Nylon Magazine photo shoot, Davies explains where the image change has sourced from: “I think for the first time ever all of us have been really interested in wearing what we want to wear on stage. I guess it’s become less about fitting into the stereotype you’re supposed to be and expressing yourself, for who you are. You know, instead of saying ‘Hey Guys, this tour- lets dress like this, this and this’ instead, we literally just let each other be who we are. There is no stamp on our image anymore.

Generally, our main goal on this album was to make a more positive sounding album, that people can take something from. It’s about hope and letting yourself feel free and good about everything. I think that’s just coming through in our styles and our video treatments. Not thinking about everything so hard kind of works for us.”

27

“Making the video for Still Into You was like - ‘Okay, instead of showing a couple eating a picnic or some three minute love story, lets actually just simplify it and let’s try and show what the feeling of love feels like on the INSIDE. So yeah, it’s just us riding around on bikes, with about a thousand multi-coloured balloons, happy and carefree.

Because that kind of is what it feels like. Now, we just cater to whatever it is the song tells us to do. What is really weird?

Since the whole record is more positive in general I feel like that shows up on us, too. Our music videos, how we dress, how we talk.”

how you use it all. You have a phone in your pocket, with which you can talk to your family, look at your on pictures for hours on end, or put something online that has the potential to offend hundreds if not thousands of people, across the planet. That

ourselves and I just think that it really shows and we have our heads held high.”

Paramore will be headlining some of their biggest UK shows to date later this month, with five arena shows at the end of

Davies touches on how the band have, in general, put effort into remaining positive. Although occasionally, Williams can come off a little diva-esque, the three

“I think that everybody needs a stable ground to fall on, you need something reliable that is yours.” remaining members did not give up on the band, because they were grateful to even have had the chance in the first place, which is commendable. Upon asking how they dealt with the very public note left by the founding members, announcing their departure or the online response from thousands of fans, while trying to keep the band above water, he comments: “Well, there are good things and bad things about having everything so accessible to people on their phones. The accessibility of it, sometimes overrides the consequences of it and people forget the power of what they are saying. I mean, it depends on

28

is a weird responsibility, and one I think people don’t consider, enough. Don’t get me wrong, me and Hayley we love Twitter and we love Instagram and we all have access to it, but sometimes it’s better to just not be able to be consumed by it. The online world is not reality. We as a band have made more positive changes within

September covering Manchester, Cardiff, Birmingham, Nottingham and finally London. The shock news of a warm summer in the UK had obviously travelled the globe at the time of speaking: “We’re in Brazil right now - and we packed shorts and t-shirts and it turns out its winter here, so bummer that you’re having a heat wave, because Britain is the most beautiful place in the world when the sun is shining.”. Clearly he must have spent a sunny weekend in Warrington at some point.

The album is available to buy and download more or less everywhere- but on a final note- the band kindly ask for you to follow them on Instagram and check their website for updates on their current competition, “Paraoke”as apparently, it is hilarious.

INTER

VIEW:

Words by Michael Glynn

Whenever a vocalist leaves a band there’s always the chance that with them goes any momentum and all hope of carrying on. Three years ago Heaven’s Basement found themselves in this position when long standing vocalist Richie Hevanz quit the band. Fast forward to today though and they find themselves on a 50 date US tour with a critically acclaimed debut album under their belt.

Scan with LAYAR to watch an exclusive live performance

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"If somebody who wasn't so sure on you is won over, it's the best thing possible."

“When I first joined the band people were pretty heavily attached to our old singer and I had a very different image” Explains current vocalist Aaron Buchanan. “I’d never toured before and I’d never experienced band life the way this band does things, it took quite a lot of time to integrate myself into making everybody happy and making myself happy.”

We caught Heaven’s Basement on a rare day off. The past couple of months have seen them tour almost relentlessly and this summer saw them spend more time on festival sites than Michael Eavis has in his lifetime (maybe, probably not). However it’s the band’s three consecutive appearances at Download Festival that have best gauged their success.

“Download was a festival that we started off playing to 400 people on the acoustic stage, we came back the next year and we did another acoustic set and that was to about 6000. To come out this year and to play to 20,000 people, that was something special.”

For Aaron it’s not just the number of fans they play to that makes what they do so satisfying, it’s the fact that he’s able to bring a new set of fans to the band that weren’t sold on him at first.

“Even the people that didn’t necessarily initially get hold of what Heaven’s Basement had become when I joined the band. Now they turn up for shows and they love it so that’s probably one of the biggest compliments you can be paid. If somebody wasn’t so sure on you is won over, it’s the best thing possible.”

"Filthy Empire" is out now on Red Bull Records.

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ireless We here at W i v a l s , st love our fe t ’s n o t a n d s o i adness s without some e this e s that we on draw y e a r ’s s e a s M u d d y , to a close. d with n h u n g - o v e r a g from n i g n a tear ha ve eye, i our collect of our e here are som : s t best bi

T

in

the

Park

Words: Dani Shields The 20th anniversary of T in the Park will go down in history. Why? Because local Scot natives had an excuse to bare their white skin and bask in the Scottish sunlight. Gone were the wellies and muddy bath slides as instead it was the 10 inch hats that would cloud your view more than a pint of Tennent’s. Headliners Mumford and Sons unleashed their folk anthems, Rihanna was only fifteen minutes late and Mr Brightside Flowers had the T crowd jumping until a lone piper gurgled out ‘Flower of Scotland’. An ideal weekend for Scotland’s biggest festival.

Glastonbury Words: Tanya Harris

Hideout

Glastonbury 2013 welcomed a selection of vibrant upcoming acts and seasoned veterans. The three-day long festival didn’t disappoint as the sun came out to greet the abundant crowds: welly-clad, mud-caked and in high spirits.

The Rolling Stones made history on the Pyramid stage, playing to an eager audience with an act rich in pageantry and crowd-pleasing classics. Although the senior rockers stole the headlines, they were only one of many incredible acts that graced the festival.

The Arctic Monkeys electrified their fans from the main stage, while Portishead wowed with their unfaltering vocals and brooding music. Seasick Steve worked his usual rustic charm and Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds won new fans. 2013 was a fantastic year for Glastonbury with good weather and a line-up chock-a-block with the cut of the musical crop.

For me Hideout offered the best of both worlds. It’s your summer festival and summer holiday rolled into a neat little ball of nonstop partying, a kind of clubbing endurance test if you will. I loved the community on the campsite, the atmosphere there and in all the clubs was spot on. Hideout offers world class djs in a intimate setting. If you like your electronic music and sunshine Hideout is a must!

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Words: Laura Catlow

Roskilde Words: Tom Johnson There are few other places in the world where you can see Slipknot, Metallica, Kraftwerk and Rihanna all on the same bill. Welcome to Denmark’s answer to Glastonbury, the awesome Roskilde Festival.

Set out into various “cities” (Game, Cinema, Street, Relax and Dream), beyond music there is virtually something for everyone. There was a bloody massage area for cryin’ out loud. Prepare yourself for the crazy beer prices, and you would love this place.

Oh and Queens of The Stone Age absolutely s m a s h e d it...

Download

Creamfields

Words: Michael Glynn

Words: Joseph Smith

With lron Maiden, Slipknot and Rammstein topping the bill, this year’s Download Festival promised to be the most explosive to date, and it didn’t disappoint. Spread over 5 stages and with over 150 bands playing there was something for everyone, providing rock music is your cup of tea. The rain even held out for the most part as Queens of the Stone Age, Enter Shikari and many more bands proved just why Download Festival is worthy of its legend.

Serving as a Mecca for club music enthusiasts and one of Liverpool’s greatest excuses for getting twisted, Creamfields also featured the only UK performance by the Prodigy so far this year. With DJ sets from David Guetta, Paul Van Dyk and Groove Armada there was no better place to be for dance music fans.

Leeds/Reading Words: Clare Barry On one hand, Reading & Leeds could have easily been hailed as one of the worst festival line up clashes in the last decade; however that purely speaks volumes for the number of great acts it managed to coincide.

Biffy Photo: Danny North

Green Day outdid themselves by coming out early and performing the entire Dookie album, Biffy Clyro’s set accompanied by a firework show was a festival pinnacle for anthemic songs backed up by insane visuals and Eminem - despite looking a little rough by the time he got to Leeds - didn’t fail to get the crowd to think that they were in 8 Mile.

Special mentions for Fall Out Boy, System of a Down and Chase and Status, who were amazing support acts. Bastille owned the NME stage, The Bronx nailed the Lock Up Stage, Major Lazer’s “guy in a bubble” was just something to behold and Knife Party’s set was just insane. As festivals go, the atmosphere at Leeds was potentially even more hilarious due to the bad weather, all hail the girl who got stuck in the wheelie bin. Good show everybody - see you next year!

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• Cool cotton adult onesies • Hooded fleece sleepsuits • Wizard gowns • Lycra body suits • Daywear or Nightwear • For outdoor parties & festivals • Various Styles and Sizes • Great gifts

Fame, it’s said, can go to your head.

Although going a bit mad is perfectly understandable when you find out firsthand that people knowing your name doesn’t bring you the kind of emotional gratification that TV promised you your whole life.

If you want to see this monster at work on a fragile young mind then look no further than the daily Justin Bieber section of your local newspaper.

“You know, you are going to change as a person as you learn new things and pick up different attributes, but at the same time, you just can’t forget where you’re from.”

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But it’s another 19-year-old that this article is about. When I first talked to Jake Bugg his album had just hit number one not long after he’d reached the age that he could legally play most venues.

The record apparently resonated more with teenagers than all the ones released by millionaire Disney princesses who just want to ‘party all night.’ Perhaps it’s the first time that school-age youngsters in this country have had pop music written about them since the Arctic Monkeys’ debut; although people can be cynical about the ‘gritty realism’ approach to song-writing, those people don’t tend to be working class 16-year-olds living in Northern satellite towns watching their prospects disappear before their eyes.

“I think a lot of it’s to do with what kind of crowd they put themselves in,” he says on those coping with stardom. “I believe that I’m surrounded by good people. I have my friends around me and I bring them on tour sometimes. You know, you are going to change as a person as you learn new things and pick up different attributes, but at the same time, you just can’t forget where you’re from.”

“Awards? They don’t have a lot of sentimental value to me” Apart from that, Jake has had a lot to lose his head about in the last twelve months. The slot that got him noticed at Glastonbury came out of nowhere. The number one album, although deserved, was unlikely. What followed were tours of the world, nominations for prestigious songwriting awards (On his nomination for an Ivor Novella: “Awards? They don’t have a lot of sentimental value to me”) and time spent with world famous producers.

Rather than get in the way of the music, all of this has only served to stoke the Nottingham singer’s creative ability.

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The second album is already being prepared for release. Is there no danger that things are being rushed?

“Well it just feels like the right thing.

I mean, music’s about making records, you know, I think if you’ve got songs and you’ve got ideas it’s important to get them out there and give people something to listen to. I don’t feel rushed; everything’s gone so fast that it feels like the right thing to do.”

Perhaps one surprising aspect of this new record is the inclusion of hip-hop/ nu-metal/all-round super producer Rick Rubin. It’s a huge jump from the debut which included some rough and ready first demos. Fans would be forgiven for being a bit cautious about having Rick handle Jake’s stripped back folk songs fresh from recording Kanye West and Black Sabbath.

“If you want the best out of an artist you don’t do that by changing their sound.

Rick just helped me on my way.

“I hadn’t heard of everything he’d done but I knew he’d worked with Johnny Cash.

What surprised me more than anything was how diverse he is in everything he’s done. He’s done Kanye West’s and Jay Z’s albums and now he’s doing mine as well.

It’s amazing how well he can adapt to different genres.”

“I don’t feel rushed; everything’s gone so fast that it feels like the right thing to do.”

Working with Rubin isn’t the only way that Jake is following in the footsteps of his idol Johnny Cash. In the early writing stages of the album he got to record some demos at the legendary sun studio, the site where Elvis Presley laid down That’s Alright Mama along with the foundations of all rock and roll: “I wrote a couple of songs in there and it was an amazing experience. It’s an inspiring place to be.”

He may not be trashing hotel rooms and throwing sucker punches at photographers at the same rate as our man Bieber, but it’s hard to imagine Jake Bugg can keep writing songs like Two Fingers when he’s travelling the world and fraternizing with the rich and famous. Sure, a lot of the songs on that debut are about escaping from dead-end towns, not glorifying them (a la The Enemy), but is there no danger of becoming complacent? Devoid of life’s hardships, are we not all liable to turn into Miley Cyrus?

“I believe that I’m surrounded by good people”

murder in an industry full of PR-trained actors. Regardless of success, for him it’s just business as usual.

“Well of course, I haven’t been back smoking and drinking on the streets and standing in car parks. I have travelled a lot in the last year, seen a lot of things and met a lot of new people. There are a lot of new stories, I should imagine that I’ve got even more to write about now but, it’s not going to be so much about where I’m from because I’ve already talked about that. People don’t need to hear me keep banging on about it.”

By Joseph Smith

Thankfully, Jake doesn’t seem to have lost his muse when he left Nottingham. The young man has a matter of fact way of speaking which interviewers can often mistake for an Oasis-style affected arrogance, but in truth it’s a simple trait of honesty, and perhaps naivety, that also pervades his music. Bugg is an anomaly; a hardworking song-writer getting away with

37

FIVE MINUTES WITH....

SLEEPING WITH SIRENS WORDS: DAVE LIGHTFOOT

& MICHAEL GLYNN

You'll be returning to the UK for your biggest headline tour in October, it's your second time over here this year, are you excited for the shows? ................

We honestly couldn't be more excited about coming back to the UK. Our last headliner was amazing, I always enjoy going over seas and playing.

This 'Feel' tour is going to be a crazy one for sure.

Only two years ago you played your first shows in the UK in small venues and since then you've played bigger places each time, what's it like consistently outdoing yourselves?

It's pretty crazy how fast everything has happened for sure, but I wouldn't say we have out done ourselves until this upcoming tour. We are very excited to be back doing a headline tour, we have a lot in store for the upcoming shows. There is nothing quite like having thousands of fans going crazy for your music.

Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand recently revealed he is a fan of Sleeping With Sirens, who is the most surprising person

38

that has said they like the band? ................

Probably him to be honest, and the Queen!.............

t h r o u g h m u s i c ?

I think it really is. Music is all emotion and feel, its kinda like therapy in a sense. Not that I've ever been to therapy for anything at all..

You put out 'Feel' earlier this year, you'd had a surge i n popularit “It's the most fun I've ever had and y before I'm living my dream. I can't complain it with t h e at all...� release of 'If You ....

Were a Movie..', did you What's it like balancing feel there was any more being in a touring band and pressure on you to deliver? maintaining a normal life? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It get pretty difficult I don't think there was any sometimes, but I wouldn't pressure really, it just all change it for the world. fell in place. The acoustic It's the most fun I've ever album was amazing but it was had and I'm living my dream. time to get new material out I can't complain at all. there. Gotta keep everyone on their toes. ...........

What can fans expect when they come to a SWS show on You worked with a lot of t h i s t o u r ? guest artists on this album The best they have seen us and Kellin has guested on yet, we are putting a lot of quite a lot of tracks, if you work into this one. could have guested on any album in the past which Do you like Orange Soda? w o u l d i t b e ?

I love orange soda For me, it'd be John MayerContinuum. ...............

Ever had a Scotch Egg? No I have not, but when I read A lot of your music is very this question, I Googled it personal, is it cathartic and it looks really good. I'd getting your thoughts out try one for sure!

Words by Chris Welsh

Pranks A Lot There’s a school of thought that says pranks aren’t funny, that they’re childish, unfriendly and cruel. Wrong. Anyone who thinks that just isn’t very good at pulling them off.

If you’re a talentless prankster and don’t want to end up the victim, here are some ideas...

TAME

Tinfoil Everything Kitchen Roulette A classic. For £20 you can wrap every single item in a bedroom in tinfoil. Do it whilst they’re out drinking and enjoy how pissed off they get when they return to their shiny, space-ship palace.

All you do is take the labels off tins of food in the kitchen.

Next time your housemate gets peckish, they won’t know if they’re opening spaghettios or that tin of dog food you stashed in there.

ANNOYING

Safe Sex

Sewn-up

DANGEROUS

Slip ‘N Slide

Lock ‘Em Up

EVIL

Porn In The DVD Player

Similar to tinfoil, only you target everything even vaguely pole-like with condoms.

Toothbrush? Yep. Bed posts?

All four. It leaves a rubbery smell that’ll take a bastard age to get rid of and it’ll coat everything with a slippery sheen of spermicidal lubricant.

It’s a very simple trap. Squirt lube all over their floor and wait for them to go arse-over-tit.

Sew up every cuff on every pair of jeans, every sweater and every pyjama your house mate owns. Then record them hopping around the room confused as fuck as to why they’re struggling to pull on their pants.

Pick up a padlock and latch for a couple of quid. While your housemate dreams of happy things, screw the latch into their bedroom door and then to the door frame. Lock the padlock in place and go to bed yourself.

So the chump who’s playing terrible pranks on you has, somehow, found a hot date. They’re out and they’re definitely bringing someone back. Download some horrible porn - worst you can think of - and burn it to a DVD. Put that DVD in their player, turn the volume on the TV down, and leave it playing for when they arrive back. Their date will be instantly turned off by the sight of a horse doing unspeakable things to a man in a zebra mask. *Wireless does not recommend you attempt any of the annoying, dangerous or evil pranks contained in this article. Think you can do better? Tweet @wirelessuk and tell us what you’d do. Photos always welcome.

39

Words By : Chris Welsh

PIZZA

CHALLE NGE For fun, Wireless Magazine hosted a pizza eating competition. But this wasn’t your mum’s pizza eating competition. The quantity eaten didn’t matter. No sir - this was a race between two top competitors to finish the hottest, spiciest, most fire-sauce and pepper-laden pizza ever to grace the oven of Liverpool’s ‘Maguire’s Pizza Bar’.

Only the base was regular. Pretty much everything else was deadly.

The sauce was made with special Bhut Jolokia chillies that stung just to touch, mixed in with a bucket full various hot sauces, most of which carried some sort of warning label. It wasn’t so much ‘Man vs Food’, it was ‘Man vs A Recipe For Spontaneous Combustion’. Peppers, more chillies and other things forged in the flames of Mount Doom were piled up along with several types of spicy meat. A second pizza base was laid on top to seal in the beastly flavour.

The pizzas were cooked - Headbands were

worn

-

A

timer

was

00:00:00 And they were off..

00:00:05

though sometimes they didn’t play fair. On the left is Viz, laughing. He hasn’t taken a bite yet. Alan is on the right.

00:02:55 Viz took an early lead, munching down slice after slice of fiery evil while Alan looked like a man already defeated.

40

set.

00:04:34

It quickly stopped being fun. With a time limit of 30 minutes, we thought they’d smash it, after devouring half of each pizza in under 5 minutes.

00:10:45

But then fatigue set in, and both struggled with every bite. There was also some... inappropriate behaviour from the people in attendance.

00:14:22 Tears were shed.

00:14:30

Viz mocked Alan’s weakness (before promptly turning to tears himself)

00:17:55 00:24:32

A bucket was deployed.

As we approached the final five minutes, the room descended into a hushed, nervous quiet. Except for Alan’s retching.

00:25:38 - WINNER

At twenty-five minutes and thirty-eight seconds, Alan stood and stormed off to bravely curl up and die in the corner.

00:29:56

Cutting is oh-so-close by finishing his final bite at twenty-nine minutes and fifty-six seconds, Viz secured his place in Wireless Magazine Pizza Challenge history....although he did look like he was about to literally drop down dead.

In the end, there was no love lost. Just a lot of weight, owing to the resultant meat sweats and violent bowel movements that continued on for days afterwards.

Don’t

try

this

at

home,

kids.

41

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47

X I N E PHO w

intervie

Words: Joseph Smith & Alan Ormrod

To use some kind of ‘rising from the ashes’ metaphor to describe Phoenix’s comeback this year is presumably such a lazy idea that every selfrespecting music journalist on the planet has thus far seen sense to avoid it. But nevertheless, here we go.

After all, 2009’s hugely successful ‘Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix’ can hardly be described as the ‘ashes’ of their career. Quite to the contrary, the thing went gold,

48

featured in various ‘best of’ lists and won a freaking Grammy. Then why is this new record called ‘Bankrupt!’ of all things? Surely the French indie group have a bit of play money by now?

Well unless you’ve got the sense of irony of a breeze block, you will have suspected that the album title might be an allusion to the superficiality of the music industry. Singer Thomas Mars has already admitted that

the title is in reference to artistic bankruptcy, and other members have talked about a time during the ‘Wolfgang’ era when the band cared more about their success than music.

“It’s still growing and growing, it’s still weird and unusual to us,” said guitarist Christian Mazzalai when we caught up to him at Leeds Festival. “When we play it feels bigger and bigger, and just more surreal really.

And to share it all with your friends for ten years, I feel very lucky.”

Bankrupt! represents a retreat, and a rebirth, from that very success. In a musical climate where new bands are rushed into making debuts before their popularity cools off, Phoenix took the unusual measure of spending years locked in a studio trying to make something perfect. That perfectionism has rubbed off on their live sound and at their recent shows they’re able

to control an impressively complex set of sounds for just four guys.

been in the studio for two years the only thing you want to do is go out and meet people, and then you get to do Deck d’Arcy (bassist): “The that on tour.” tour has been a full time job. The singles ‘Entertainment’ It’s a total commitment. We’re and ‘Trying to be cool’ also just dedicated to making the seem to be following a theme best shows possible. of showbiz superficiality but you’d be wrong to think that Bankrupt! is “We know we meant to be a serious social commentary or could have even a particularly brooding record. Said attracted a singles are joyous, reaction of even danceable.

Like their long-time hatred or... buddies Daft Punk Even worse!” (guitarist Lauren Brancowitz was once in a surf band with “We’re not big fans of breaks. the robots), Phoenix aren’t It’s convenient being a trying to change the music musician because when you’ve industry by being cynical but by providing a positive push in the right direction, even that direction does include an excursion into psychedelia.

Laurent Brancowitz (guitarist): “People like it, and we’re happy because it’s probably a bit more demanding and a step up. We know we could have attracted a reaction of hatred or... Even worse! But we’re happy that people have seemed to embrace it.”

That pressure to please must be compounded by the fact that Phoenix

49

is that rarest of things: a band from mainland Europe that has penetrated the US and UK charts. For listeners, the culture clash is eased by the use of English lyrics in the songs, but what’s it like for the band coming over here and playing to foreign crowds?

“You

know

that

even

birds,

they

behave

a

bit

differently here the

than

in

South

of

France.”

Lauren: “Basically, people have the same human emotions but with different variations.

You know that even birds, they behave a bit differently here than in the South of France.

They have different singing accents. People are the same, it’s the same bird but a little bit different.

“We’ve

been

And on headlining a stage at Leeds and Reading: “When we were kids and we were looking at the Reading festival poster in the NME or the Melody Maker, we would see the NME tent or the Radio 1 tent. So it’s something we knew about since we were kids. It’s part of the British mythology.”

Both Bankrupt! and the colossus that is Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories attempt to embrace the mainstream and breathe new life into pop music. Which is why there was no intended irony when the quartet surprised fans by appearing onstage with R Kelly at Coachella earlier this year. The message is that music should be about fun, friends and memorable experiences.

city playing to thousands of people and you can see these amazing buildings on the skyline. That was very good.

It was crazy.

“We’ve been doing this since we were very young. Touring with your best friends - you take advantage of it you know?”

Bankrupt! poses the idea that perhaps the dire state of top 40 radio isn’t all down to the vacuous junior celebrities who occupy it, and maybe if the real musicians stopped bitching and tried to do something about it, we wouldn’t have Miley Cyrus twerking all over the VMAs.

Christian: “Ten days ago we played in Chicago Lollapalooza, it was such a good atmosphere it was crazy.

We’re in the middle of a big

doing

this since we were very young.

Touring with your best friends -

you

of

it

take you

advantage know?”

eck Mars, D Thomas an Christi d’Arcy, i and tz Mazzala rancowi B t n e r Lau

50

Bankrupt! is out now.

Student House Essentials Moving into student accommodation may be the first time you’ve left your parents’ house, and you’ll soon notice all the things that are missing that you’ve taken for granted in the past. Going to freshers fairs is a good way to get some free stuff, but for the rest you’re going to have to go out and buy it. Forget luxury items like food and cutlery, we’ve compiled a list of essential items you’re definitely going to need:

Galaxy S4 Zoom ..

Having to carry around both a phone AND a high quality camera is a pain in the arse that nobody in the twentieth century should have to endure.

Luckily for you people we have a sexy Galaxy S4 Zoom to give away. It has a 16 megapixel camera with a 10x optical zoom, and it can make phone calls as well. £ 399

A PS4..

We’re not telling you which side to fall on in the Console War, but it’s worth noting that the PS4 is a lot cheaper than the XBOX One. That won’t matter to you if you win this PS4 from us of course.

You can spend the money on games! Get your mates round and watch some BluRays. Play on the Kinect, I suppose. If you like. www.game.co.uk - £ 349.99

George Foreman Grill..

You absolutely need this.

Grilling things will become the only way you eat hot food in your house, and it’s not just for chicken. It’s for bacon too. Also...

Corrugated toasties! Sack off the sandwich toaster and just slap your sandwich in the George. Plus if you don’t clean it, the bread soaks up all the delicious flavours (don’t do this, you’ll get sick and blame us). Devastating for your heart, delicious for your mouth!

52

Galaxy Tab 2 7.0.. The days of having to lug around a laptop to take notes at your lecture are long gone buddy. With a light weight tablet computer you can write essays, watch films and play games, and they’re the ideal entertainment system for tiny dorm rooms as well. We’ve been given this top of the range Galaxy Tab 2 7.0 and we want one of you to have it. £139.99

Orange PC ..

Orange Amplifiers are some of the coolest looking things on God’s green earth. So what have they done? They’ve gone and got a high spec computer, given it a makeover and made it look like something that ZZ Top would be proud of. Not just that though, it’s got an incredible integrated speaker and recording/ editing facilities all built in - including a proper guitar input! Perfect. www.orangeopc.com - From £ 700 .

Alarm Clock ..

Richer Sounds Hifi..

From time to time you’ll have to be conscious at a particular hour. Since your phone can’t handle being hurled against the wall, we suggest you get an alarm that can. When it goes off you can pitch it across the room, which sets it to SNOOZE. Then, when it goes off again, you have to go over and fetch it. Now you’re up.

Job done. (http://www.mysportsclock.com )

Whether your aim is to throw a party, entertain guests, or just make life a living hell for the housemate who broke your favourite mug, a decent sound system is going to be vital. Richer Sounds have mini hi-fi packages starting at around 300 pounds. You’ll get the best value for your money and the staff are always helpful in explaining the technical stuff. www.richersounds.com 53

Marshall Fridge ..

Oh good god this

is one of the greatest inventions we’ve ever come across. It’s a fridge that resembles a classic Marshall stack! How friggin’ awesome is that? This isn’t just some advertorial blurb, our editor has one in his living room and it is possibly his most prized possession. One time the cat tried sitting on it, now it’s an ex-cat.

HTTP://shop.marshallamps.com - £ 399

Tetris Light..

Probably the worst thing about life is

that it’s not exactly like Tetris, what with its easily defined rules and sexily interlocking pieces. Thanks to this bedside lamp though, that impossible dream is one step closer. £ 29.99 - www.firebox.com

Minibru French Press Coffee Mug..

Do you hate instant coffee? Do you also hate having to make a whole pot of pressed coffee when you only want one?

Then Minibru is the solution. With this mug you can brew and drink a single coffee in just three minutes.- £19.99 www.firebox.com

PacMan Ghost Lamp..

Nothing says

I love PacMan like a PacMan ghost lamp. This one is remote controlled and changes to the colour of any of your favourite PacMan ghosts. However, if you’ve ever had a nightmare about being eaten by one of these it’s probably not a good idea to have it as the sole light source of your room. £ 34.99 www.firebox.com

Animal Cushions.. Cushions serve as versatile seating for parties, and if no one comes to your party who cares? If your cushions have hipster animals on them they double up as cool friends. Also handy if you’re a guy trying to woo a lady. Trust us. Chicks fucking love cushions, man.

Love the cushions. - £ 34.99 www.firebox.com 54

WIN

EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SEEN! (ON THE LAST 3 PAGES ) We’ve all been there. Moving from the comfort of your parents’ place to a grotty old student house with slightly pukey looking magnolia walls, and even pukier looking 70’s carpets. Well, we’re not about to come round armed with rolls of wallpaper, but we do have an incredible prize for one of you lucky buggers to get your hands on. We’ve teamed up with Richer Sounds, Game, Phones 4u, Marshall, Orange, Firebox, Drink Stuff and several other awesome companies to offer you the chance to Pimp Your Student House. hundreds of pounds worth of sexy stuff for your new digs, and all you have to do is...

Visit www.wirelessmag.co.uk/competitions and follow the instructions! Good luck!

Embarrassing Housemate Stories

By now you’ll have heard plenty about what it means to be a student: having to live on pot noodles, immersing yourself in a world of illicit sex and alcohol all the while racking up a lifetime’s worth of debt - but inevitably there are downsides as well.

One of the worst parts The Milky Bar Kid Good Vibrations

by Laura Catlow about student living is Rides Again living with students, by Alan Ormrod Can you imagine how awkward as these anecdotes will illustrate...

In second year my girlfriend it was when my

The Phantom Pooper Khia Reynolds

In my second year our house was as divided as Westeros.

It hadn’t got to beheadings just yet, only angry letters left all over the house. I woke up one morning and went to visit the bathroom. Looking over to the toilet, I noticed the lid was mysteriously closed.

I opened it, and peering back at me was the biggest piece of crap I’d ever seen. Disgusted, I quickly bid farewell and flushed. However, it stubbornly refused to budge. I tried several more times, still it didn’t shift. I stormed off and scrawled yet another letter, telling the dirty sod to get rid immediately. Soon, a note appeared, agreeing with me.

Two more appeared. Two days passed, and the number of notes passed the length of the door.

Nobody was willing to quietly get rid or apologise. Annoyed, I decided to get rid myself, and poured water down the bowl while flushing.

Voila! It worked!

It had finally disappeared!

Fantastic, angry notes all round!

Suffice to say, when the end of June came I couldn’t have packed my bags fast enough.

56

was sharing a house with 4 girls. One of the girls was dating this huge tattooed goth guy who took himself incredibly seriously. After a couple of dates she lets slip to a fellow flat mate that her new beau had been a child actor and that he had been the Milky Bar kid in an advert. She swore everyone to secrecy and emphasised how goth guy didn’t want anyone to know.

housemate got her huge collection of vibrators out to show me and my boyfriend? Maybe that’s why she used to fall asleep to music every night.....

Bathroom Incident

by Daryl Shepperton

Soooo...

My lady friend tells me this secret one night when it was just me and her in the house. Several drinks and one visit to the local shop later and we had 12 milky bars and a load of cellotape. It is safe to safe that anywhere that could have had a Milky bar stuck to it, had a Milky Bar stuck to it.

We were awoken at around 3am to the sound of an irate giant goth screaming “Blah, blah, blah, secret... Blah, blah, blah Milky Bar...”

We later found out that he took the first Milky Bar in good humour and it was only when he saw the posters with Milky bars stuck to them in hilarious positions that he really lost his shit.

An incident springs to mind from first year when we were too skint to go out drinking, so four or five of us decided to stock up on 2 litre bottles of white cider and get shit-faced in our shared living room. We all succeeded in getting blind drunk and details of the night are pretty sketchy. None of us seemed to make it back to our rooms and we all woke up in the living room the next morning, all except for my one buddy who went missing at some point in the night who we all assumed had gone to bed.

That’s until someone went to take a piss in the morning and found him passed out in front of the toilet, his pants around his ankles and shit all over him. We gather that he must have been taking a shit and

fell off the toilet, banging his head on the sink opposite all the while still shitting.

It then looks like he tried to clean up because there was shit smeared on the floor tiles and he must have passed out in the process. It turns out he had a concussion.

Sleepwalking

by Leah Cathcart

A lad I used to live with used to sleepwalk after he’d had a drink. He’d get up in the middle of the night and walk into the middle of a room randomly and just stand there without saying anything for up to 20 minutes before going back to bed. We thought it was creepy until we found out that if we played music he’d start to shuffle from side to side like a zombie. We’d film his dancing and then send the videos to him in the morning.

Just say no, folks

by Tom Johnson

A guy we used to live with, who we shall call Mark for the purposes of this anecdote, was always vehemently anti getting drunk, to the point of preaching at us when we came home with a couple of bottles of cheap cider on a Tuesday night. Anyway, we’d all just finished our exams and headed up to the SU bar where we ordered our usual round of four beers and a pint of Coke.

Only this time, once Mark had finished his pint we admitted to him that we’d dropped

a triple vodka in there so he could join in the fun. Within minutes, Mark was running round the bar with his top off, trying to get people to join in an imaginary moshpit and then subsequently throwing up like something out of the exorcist!

The thing was, as we weren’t actually a gang of arseholes we hadn’t actually done anything at all – it was just a placebo effect and he was actually stone cold sober! At least we know why he doesn’t drink now anyway...

Bad Eggs

by Alex Longthorne I used to share a place with a girl who would only eat eggs. Not as part of some experimental diet, she was just mad obsessed with eggs.

She even had an ‘egg-corner’ in our lounge.

Every now and then her onagainoff-again boyfriend used to bring back found objects to destroy. There’s little more disturbing than coming home to a naked yolkcovered woman watching a guy saw the head off an antique rocking horse.

WAYS

5 THE TO BE

PERFECT HOUSEMATE In conclusion to our rigorously scientific survey, we can recommend the following ways to be a good housemate:

1. Do the dishes

It takes like two minutes as long as you don’t let them pile up.

2. Buy your own shit

You know what they do to people who steal cigarettes in jail? No, neither do I, but I bet that shit don’t stand.

3. Don't be a dick

This is great advice in any given situation throughout your life.

Seriously, just chill the fuck out guys.

4. Always flush

Do you have an Embarrassing Housemate Story to share? Tweet @wirelessuk and tell us all about it. Photos always welcome.

You’ll be grateful for it if you ever get dunked by your landlord when the rent’s overdue.

5. Keep masturbatory aids to yourself Ain’t nobody got time for that!

57

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THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES SEE YOU AT THE NEXT ONE

Y Words by Laura Catlo w & Ch ris

1

Welsh

Run

It’s free and, unless you live in a ‘knife crime’ area, perfectly safe. Twenty minutes a night and you’ll soon feel benefits. Jog home from uni, take the long route if you live nearby or hop off the train a few stops early if you live bloody miles away.

3

Other cardio

Running from A to B (or, more likely, from A all the way to A again) gets boring. Mix it up by charging like Rocky up whatever steps you can find, either out front of a building or the staircase in halls. Do monkey bars in the playground or find a local park with fitness stations dotted about. Birchfields in Manchester has a 5k route mapped out with dip stations etc.

Dancing counts, so don’t sit in the corner chugging beer after beer every time you go out. Get up and go mental.

ou’re young, smart... but that counts for shit if you look like you belong in the drip tray of a George Foreman grill.

Health isn’t just about looks though, it improves how you feel, physically and mentally.

So we at Wireless (we’re all sexy athletes, obviously) compiled a few tips about how to not end your first year as a fat lard. And how to do it without breaking the bank or signing your life away to an expensive gym.

2

Lift things

If you’re getting fit, you’ll want some muscle too.

Except...weights are expensive.

Confusingly so, considering they’re just sand-filled plastic or discs of metal. A decent set can set you back a few hundred quid. Instead, lift other things. Shopping bags full of beer, the end of the couch, your housemates.

If you live in a house with a backyard, get a few worn, old tyres from a local mechanics and lift those.

Maybe try the most popular alternative - Sex. If you go more than five minutes you’ll increase your heart rate, burn a bunch of calories and get laid at the same time.

Whether you’re male or female, sneak in a few tricep dips, push-ups or even a few squats. Your partner will just think you’re being oddly acrobatic.

If you don’t have a sex partner, you can just power-lunge to Tesco for your weekly shop.

59

4

Bodyweight strength & conditioning.

Mix it up by doing some bodyweight circuits at home. Best done on the ground floor due to the amount of leaping involved, unless you want to work out and piss off an irritating flat mate at the same time. The best (most stomach-churningly horrific) move is the burpee, also known as ‘a bastard’. If you’ve done them before, you’ll know why. Try 50 or 100 in a row and record your time, aim to reduce it next time.

Another favourite - get a deck of cards, assign each suit an exercise, shuffle, then do the full deck. The number on the card denotes your reps. Shuffle well, or cry when three same-suit picture cards have you doing 30 burpees to finish.

Here’s some moves to get you started; - burpees - push-ups - star jumps - lunge jumps - squats/ squat jumps - mountain climbers - plank - sit-ups/crunches

HOW BEST TO SPEND

£100

You’ll want a good pair of running shoes, but you don’t have to go crazy and get a light-up, celebrity-endorsed pair from the top shelf. With a bit of hunting you’ll get a solid pair for under £40. Whatever you do though, don’t just buy the cheapest £9 pair you find in Asda. They won’t do.

- £40

Don’t eat and drink shit.

5

Water is free and won’t rot your guts, so drink as much as you can stand. Choose rice, chicken and pasta instead of chips, bacon and burgers. A little research into cheap, healthy meals and you’ll be all set. Avoid the drunken trap of getting a meat feast pizza and a kebab on the way home from a night out.

It’s also worth noting that a vodka and lemonade isn’t much more expensive than a pint, is better for you from a calorie point of view, and will get you just as drunk. Just, er, don’t drink twelve of them in one night.

Actually, don’t drink twelve of anything in one night.

Get a chin up bar. You’ll get a good one from Amazon for £15-£20 and it’ll last you until you do something stupid and break it. Just make sure you have a suitable door frame to hang it off before you buy it, though. Returning things to Amazon is a ball-ache.

- £20 You know what are lovely? Smoothies. They’re a good way to make sure you get your 5-a-day. Just toss a bunch of fruit into a blender with some Greek yoghurt, add some spinach, ice and a bit of cordial, and you’ve got one hell of a healthy snack for way less than a McDonald’s meal. Get a blender.

- £15 Train at a boxing gym once a week all semester. It’s cheap, you’ll meet new people, you don’t have to spar or fight (but you’ll probably want to)! It’s great all round training and increases your confidence in self defence. Plus with a trainer yelling at you it’s a lot harder to slack off! £2 a session x 12 - £24 60

Words by - Alan Ormrod

5 INTERESTING FACTS FOR

Why Dogs Like Their Ears Scratched

Scratching a dog’s ears stimulates their pituitary glands to produce endorphins, literally causing them to experience bliss. Other things that stimulate the release of endorphins are chocolate, orgasms and spicy food. So if you get bored of scratching Fido’s ears then you could feed him a chocolate curry whilst wanking him off*.

Blondes may or may not have more fun, but they definitely have more hair: the density of your hair is defined by its colour.

The average human head has 100,000 hair follicles but blondes average 146,000 follicles: nearly 50% more than the average!

There’s further bad news for your gingers out there. The average ginger head only has 86,000 follicles.

Everyone Has a Unique Tongue Print

We’ve all done it: were in the midst of committing the perfect crime when we decide to leave our own indelible mark by licking something or other. In future, I would suggest that you find another way of leaving your mark because human beings can be as easily identified by their tongue print as they can by their finger prints.

As well as being an unbeatable stress reliever and an amazing way to pass 3 minutes whilst you wait for your Super-Noodles to come to the boil, masturbation has been proven to have some serious health benefits. In men it improves the immune function as well as making them more resistant to all forms of prostate infections. The benefits to women aren’t quite as life-saving but having a sly fiddle has been proven to improve symptoms of Aunt Flow’s monthly visit, as well as making yeast infections less likely.

The MOst Productive Woman In History Had 69 Children

Blondes Have The Hairiest Heads

Being A Wanker Is Good For Your Health

That’s right – 69.

The lucky - or unlucky, depending on your perspective - mother was a Russian woman who between 1725-1765 had 27 pregnancies that included sixteen sets of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. As well as having a vagina like a clown car the woman in question also managed to raise all bar two of her children to adulthood. *Disclaimer: Feeding dogs chocolate may also cause them to die.

S S A M E H T DEBATE

WHAT HAVE

YOU LEARNED

AT UNIVERSITY?

“Lectures broke into one’s day and were clearly a terrible waste of time,” so said Stephen Fry. As much as you may try to convince your parents it is, we all know University life is not just about the books. It is about somehow making a balance between the good (social life), the bad (lectures), and the ugly (your ever disappearing bank balance). But if you soldier on, you are guaranteed experiences and life lessons that no amount of high paid job wages could buy you. But don’t just take our word for it; here is a list of the top things students have learned from studying at university.

Dolan Doherty

“What I love about Belfast is the fact that its only two hours away and is a completely different place compared to Derry (where I’m from), the nightlife is amazing, but the main thing I’ve learnt from being a student in Belfast is the sense of independence I have, after living at home with my family for nearly 20 years. It’s great to be able to go to the bar during the day and everyone’s ok with it.”

Ciaran

Vaudequin

“I’ve learned to become far more independent, in terms of spending my money more wisely, and more than that I actually learnt how to cook!”

Tomas

Quigley

“I’ve learnt Magee campus in Derry has much more to offer students than a degree.

The social clubs and societies play a vital role in the social life of a Derry student.”

Barry Meenan “Living on your own is so expensive!”

62

“Student nights out at the beginning of the year are the nights where you’re going to meet your best friends for the next 3/4 years. If you miss them, you really will miss out.”

rrigan Rachel Ha

Mich ael Rign ey

Khia

Reynolds I learnt that letting 7 stoners share your George Foreman never has a happy ending.

Michael I learned that using Glavin cider instead of cooking oil in your frying pan gives you surprisingly good results. Bacon with a hint of apple flavour, delicious!

ns Laura Bar I learnt mixing the entire contents of your alcohol collection together does not make you a mixologist.

“The best thing I’ve learnt personally is that you don’t have to go away to make new friends or to discover yourself, and it’s also a great money saver staying at home!”

lynn Michael G I learnt that letting a hamster eat your blinds and couch is a sure-fire way to knock £100 off your security deposit.

Chris W elsh

Funnily enough, the one thing I learned at university was how to chase people down for Dr Pepper and sticky notes. Very niche course.

63

Words by Aimee Taylor

i, st started Un my u j e ’v u o y , o S m home and mum moved away fro be there to fund and daddy won’t ob. The fabulous j you. You need a ce will cover n Student Fina not much else. your rent but possibilities w Here are a fe tudies: to fund your s

Flyering: Ah, the classic “flyering”. Standing in the middle of town when it’s pouring down with rain, trying to promote some new horrifically expensive gym membership aimed at other broke students. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

The pay is none existent, you get a cold that doesn’t leave you for months and let’s be honest, nobody is interested in what you’re promoting.

Promotions: So, there are loads of clubs in your town where you’re studying, meaning loads of opportunities to make some sweet cash, right?

The club owners will promise you the earth; easy work, loads of money and some freebies too, this all sounds amazing doesn’t it? The reality is, again, standing in the cold for hours on end, trying to talk to people that have been drinking for hours on end and can’t string a sentence together.

Stacking Shelves: A lucrative minimum wage job stacking shelves is hard to come by these days, but we have it on good authority that they do still exist. Happy job-hunting!

Commission-based sales: Do you want a job where you can work on your own terms? Your own hours? Then this type of job is the one for you my friend.

If you like walking around for hours on end trying to sell a make-up kit to a 60-year-old man running a key cutting business, then you’ve found your career path.

Call Centre: On paper, call centre work looks appealing. Sitting down all day at a desk, wearing business attire and talking to strangers on the phone, sounds the dream, doesn’t it? Wrong. Phoning random members of the public and asking if they would like insurance on their washing machine is far from a dream, more a hideous nightmare.

64

‘Oh, you’ve never heard of...?

Uni is essentially about pushing the reset button on life and giving yourself an exotic backstory, the only problem being every other fucker’s got the very same game plan. Still, this is YOUR house and it’s time to show ‘em who’s the king of THIS campus. They say music is a universal language, that’s why we’re here to teach you about WEIRD MUSIC. Use this knowledge effectively and you’ll be ‘Monsieur Populaire’ in no time.

Words by Marty McGovern & Nathan Simm.

Scenario 1 - The Library Band 1 - RADIOACTIVE CHICKEN HEADS You’re in the library, you see an angelic red-headed beauty checking out a book on Science. You: ‘Hey, Science. Cool. Say, ever heard of the Radioactive Chicken Heads? Y’know that eleven piece bargain bucket from Southern California? You mean you never heard of Pastafarian? The zinger tower of power who slays the sax every night? What about El Pollo Diablo? This king of the insanity wing enjoys nothing more than evoking the spirit of a streetwise Satan meal using nothing but a pitchfolk geetar.’

They: Kinda Impressed. You: ‘Oh, you didn’t know about their debut album ‘Keep on cluckin, good lookin’? They: A melted pool of impressivio!

Scenario 2 - The Lecture Band 2 - ALESTORM

It’s the first lecture of the year and you’ve arrived early. You try to befriend a fellow eager-beaver through the means of music.

You: ‘Hey, what sorta music d’ya like?’

They: ‘Oh, you know. A bit of everything.’

You: ‘Oh, in that case you will be a big fan of the genre pirate-metal!’

They: ‘Um, what?’

You: ‘You mean you haven’t heard of Alestorm?

The ragtag group of scoundrels fronted by a keytar playing vocalist hailing from sunny Scotland? Have you not heard “Wenches & Mead,” and “Set Sail & Conquer” then?’

They: ‘So... how long until the lecture starts?’

You: ‘Yarr...’

66

Scenario 3 - The Bike Shed Band 3 - THE CYCOLOGISTS

Your student loan has come in and there is no hope in hell that you will be able to afford a bus pass without forfeiting a SERIOUS amount of booze. Thus you have to fish out your bike and meet a cool-looking lad/lass also with a bicycle.

You: ‘Bikes are cool aren’t they?!’

Them: ‘Sorry, are you talking to me?’

You: ‘Did you know, in Australia there is a trio of men who go by the name The Cycologists who play secret shows by just riding around and finding a nice place to stop and draw a crowd?

Then! Fucking get this! They DISMANTLE the bikes to form INSTRUMENTS!’ Them: ‘Awesome! Follow me and I’ll buy you 10 pints!’

Are you serious?

£20 Playing live, writing or recording?

Join us for a special student rate and receive: – – – – – –

Free instrument insurance Career and business advice Rights protection Free contract and partnership advice £10 million public liability cover Legal advice and assistance

The network of 30,000 musicians across the UK

theMU.org

@WeAreTheMU

A career in music?

Don’t go out alone.

The music industry promises great rewards whatever your background, style or genre and in the modern world it has never been easier to get yourself heard.

But for the initiated, it can also be a minefield to negotiate and understand a myriad of contracts, rights and agreements, fees and rates.

How can you be sure to protect your most precious assets: you and your music?

What happens when you start creeping up the bill at the pub gigs, or you want to release your first single online or 68

the jazz festival asks you to play for free or that wedding booking for your string quartet falls through at the last minute and you’ve already paid for your travel and overnight accommodation?

Best be prepared whether you’re a weekend gig warrior, dreaming of stadium stardom or writing, recording and releasing.

Help is at hand. And as a full time student you will be eligible for some incredible support and at an incredible rate.

The Musicians’ Union (MU) has been helping musicians for 120 years get a foot on

the ladder, make the most of career opportunities, protect their rights and interests and campaign on their behalf in the industry.

Hundreds of name musicians are members; on every type of instrument, in every field and in every genre.

Aware of the timeless value of membership, many of these musicians joined when starting out and stay MU members throughout their working lives.

As Jimmy Page says, ‘Would I have made it without the MU? Probably. If I was starting out again would I still join? Definitely.’

Once out into the business world, this support becomes increasingly vital as musicians face the challenge of developing business skills, making contacts, handling management, filing accounts and learning about deals and rights.

Whether looking to work in the live arena, in the recording world, as a teacher or writer/ composer, the Union’s highly-respected range of services ensure all members - from student to experienced professional - have the peace of mind that they have a powerful and influential organisation behind them. And unlike other industry advisors, the MU’s only agenda is your agenda.

So if as a student you are already co-writing, in any kind of band, recording, or in a production team, you will

benefit from the Union’s crucial help with band names, writing agreements, embryonic gigs and so much more.

‘People sometimes don’t realise just how cut throat the music industry can be. The MU fight in the corner of musicians, providing invaluable support, information, insurance and legal aid. If you’ve ever taken to a stage, you should have the MU with you.’ Jamie Jazz, The King Blues Whether into folk, jazz, hip hop, dubstep, indie, metal, rock or orchestral music, students will always find like-minded people with years of experience and expertise in the MU. For a single payment of just £20 a year, students in fulltime education can benefit from membership of the largest union of musicians in the world.

– Career & business advice – Rights protection

‘The Musicians’ Union has over 30, 000 members. And believe me, 30, 000 people can make a lot of noise,’ says Mike Heaton of Embrace. ‘When you join, you’re joining the biggest band in the country. A band that collectively fights for each other’s rights across all musical genres. It’s important.’

The music industry can be a scary environment, with pitfalls apparently at every turn.

Don’t go out alone...

– Free instrument insurance

For more information visit the students page on our website:

– Free contract & partnership advice

www.musiciansunion.org.uk

– £10 million public liability cover

Alternatively, call our National Office on 020 7582 5566 or email info@theMU.org

– Legal advice and assistance – Network of 30,000 musicians across the UK

‘I don’t read music. Or contracts, unfortunately. I’m a DJ, producer and film director.

I’m not an accountant, lawyer or politician.‘ Don Letts

For anyone serious about being a working musician, the Musicians’ Union is the best backing group available and there has never been a better time to join as a student. Membership is open to all musicians.

69

PRe-ORdeR And geT 1sT dLC PACk fRee* including Athens, sparta and epirus factions visit www.TOTALWAR.com to find out more

/TOTALWAR

@TOTALWAR www.sega.com

Š SEGA. Creative Assembly, the Creative Assembly logo, Total War, Total War: ROME and the Total War logo are either registered trademarks or trademarks of The Creative Assembly Limited. SEGA and the SEGA logo are either registered trademarks or trademarks of SEGA Corporation. All rights reserved. *Offer available at participating retailers.

Words: Gazz Wood

GRAND THEFT AUTO V

Preview

Out: 17th Sept, On: XBOX360, PS3

CALL OF DUTY: GHOSTS

BATMAN: ARKHAM ORIGINS

Admit it; you’re more excited about this game than anything else going on in your life.

Shooting foreigners in a world so realistic it’d be upsetting if you hadn’t been completely deadened to warfare by the other CoD games. This features an immense redesigned multiplayer mode with full character customisation PLUS a level where you take off your shirt and sexily help Demi Moore make a pot out of clay.

The long anticipated prequel to two of the most decorated games this century finds a young and unrefined Batman; just starting his career lurking in the shadows and popping out to punch evil in its stupid face. Skulk around an expanded open world Gotham City trying to avoid being murdered by one of 8 assassins hired to rub you out.

Out: 5th Sept, On: XBOX ONE, PS4, XBOX360, PS3, PC

Out: 25th Oct, ON: XBOX360, PS3, Wii U, PC

Holy shit Grand Theft Auto V is finally coming out! More than a decade and a half after the first GTA game and 5 long years since GTA IV, the Fifth Instalment of the game in which you sometimes do missions but mostly dick around destroying things is here! You take control of three distinct protagonists; Michael, Trevor & Franklin, as they climb the ladder of crime in Los Santos to make some money and live the dream. You can switch between characters at any point to change perspective during missions, or get dropped into a police chase. It looks like they’ve really taken their time with detail on this one. Los Santos is just like a real city, except you’re allowed to hit pedestrians with your car...or helicopter.

71

On The en Big Scre the best bits at the pictures this month

Apart from the excellent weather and lack of exam pressure, another great thing about summer is the release of some great movies to see you through the holidays.

This month we take a look at trailers for a tense and isolating space drama, a balls out action sequel and a feel good animated comedy that will delight adults and children alike.

Words by

Chris Welsh

Machete Gravity Kills

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2

Holy fucking shitballs have you seen the trailers for this? George Clooney and Sandra Bullock are astronauts chilling out on a space station until things get fucked up and Bullock’s safety cord snaps, leaving her floating alone in the vast nothingness of space.

It is UNSETTLING AS HELL. And, hopefully, the film makers can somehow wring a compelling story out of it (unlike 2009’s BURIED, where Ryan Reynolds was buried in a box underground for a frightfully boring two hours until, spoiler, he died).

A sequel to MACHETE starring Danny Trejo.

If you understood that sentence, you know exactly what MACHETE KILLS is all about. More mad Mexican antics, a tale of revenge, minor celebrity breasts and ice cool one-liners set to a demented mariachi soundtrack. The sequel also stars Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson and, um, Lady Gaga.

That’d be a huge cause for concern if it wasn’t PLANET TERROR’s Robert Rodriguez in the director’s seat.

If anyone can pull it off and make a decent/mental exploitation action flick, it’s that guy.

The first CLOUDY was fucking great. A unique trait amongst the generic non-Pixar animated movies.

It was easily as funny as your favourite recent comedy, and did it in its own way. I loved it. I don’t know if a sequel is what the world is crying out for... but I’ll take it. The first was the story of a useless scientist who accidentally turned Earth’s weather system into food. So when it rained, it rained jelly.

Snow was ice cream etc.

In the sequel, he finds an island full of animals that were ALSO turned into food.

For some reason.

IN CINEMAS 4th/October/2013

IN CINEMAS 11th/October/2013

IN CINEMAS 25th/October/2013

72

7 University Life Hacks Are you finding University life difficult? Are the deadlines getting you down? Do you often get the feeling that you’re losing at life and that if there is a God then he’s surely looking down and laughing at you? Well it’s time to stop being a sucker and start winning at life. Courtesy of your buddies at Wireless Magazine, here is a list of some awesome life hacks to turn that frown upside down.

Invest in a decent flash drive –The biggest sucker move you can make at university is to not back up your work. Memory sticks are dirt cheap these days so it won’t cost much for one big enough to save your whole academic career.

3

1 2

Buy a decoy toothbrush – If you live with a prankster (and every dorm has got one), nothing is going to be off limits. Therefore it won’t hurt to have a secret toothbrush. This can equally apply to ketchup bottles and prescription drugs.

Never buy new text books – Amazon should have you covered for cheap second hand books. If you can’t find the ones you’re looking for it might help to befriend some third year students on your course; they’re bound to have books they need to get rid of.

5

74

7

Have that flash drive surgically attached – The second biggest sucker move you can make at university is to back up all of your work and then leave all your hard work hanging out of a USB drive in the library.

In order to prevent this try tying it to your wrist with a long piece of string, or tying it to a huge fluorescent sign saying sucker, or even better, putting it on a chain attached to a piercing of your choice.

4

Never spend £2 coins – It’s a great way to save cash!

Pretend that all your deadlines are a week earlier – If you get all that worrying out of the way early then at least you won’t have to fight with your course-mates for library books on the last week.

6

Wikipedia isn’t a source, but it’s a start! – Most universities don’t allow you to cite Wikipedia as a source in essays, but if you follow the sources at the bottom and then find another source to verify that then it will look legit. It’s no substitute for actually reading text books but at the last minute it can be a life saver.

LADIES & Gentlemen! please prepare yourselves, brace yourselves...

THE ELEPHANT MAN www.facebook.com/

theelephantmancomic a comic by

WARD & PARKER

Please enjoy responsibly

bombardier.co.uk

TOP OF

THE HOPS Can you explain to our readers what CAMRA is and what you stand for?

The Campaign for Real Ale, is a membership-led consumer organisation that champions Real Ale and British pubs through books, magazines and in the National Media, as well as lobbying the Government for increased protection for British pubs.

What can a new member expect when they turn up to their first CAMRA event?

CAMRA beer festivals happen all over the UK and are a great place to try a huge range of Real Ales all in one place. From people brand new to real ale to those that have been drinking it for years, the festivals are a great place to meet people and enjoy a few drinks.

CAMRA’s biggest festival, The Great British Beer Festival, takes place from the 13th to the 17th of August 2013 at London’s Olympia.

red by bly gathe ond of a b o r p e ’v ery f As you or ents are v now, stud , but most will go f ty i r l e a e u b the q their ly ather than quantity r t u f f . U n f o r t u n a t e a s ’s e r e , the of th initiated nd for the unld of beer, lager a to r g o n i w wait whole g out there me ale waitin and if you want so ot , l d a e t o uld d be tas gn ion you co of the act joining the Campai n a h t worse r, le.

For Real Ac h a t t o N e i l W a l k e u t o b a a d MRA, We ha an for CA as a spokesm r organisation h t. i n e e h d t u st what a thirsty to offer

Why do you think CAMRA has gained such momentum in recent years?

There has been a real foodie revolution in recent years - People want to know where there food comes from and how it was produced. So why should we feel any differently about beer?

Why is it particularly important to support local breweries at the moment?

The vast majority of Real Ale is produced on a small scale, in breweries which supply a limited number of pubs in their local area. Not only does this mean the beer is delivered to the pub fresher, but that when travelling around the UK you can try different styles of beer from different breweries, rather than the exact same beer you’d drink at home.

If a student has never tried real ale before, where would be a good place to start?

It was at university in Leeds that I first got into Real Ale, and as well as it being cheaper to drink than the big brand lagers, I really enjoyed the fact you could try lots of different beers in different pubs From light, citrusy and ‘hoppy’ Golden Ales to dark and rich Porters and Stouts.

If you currently drink lager then why not try a cool and extremely refreshing pint of hoppy, pale beer such as Fuller’s Chiswick, Hawkshead Windemere Pale, Ilkley Mary Jane, or Brodie’s Shoreditch Sunshine.

To check out the benefits of becoming a CAMRA young member go to their website www.camra.org.uk

77

2571

Big Mac meals

3

return flights from London Heathrow to Sydney Australia

7

Apple Mac Book Air Laptops

HOW ELSE

COULD YOU 18,000

HAVE SPENT YOUR

crème eggs

42

trips to Glastonbury Festival

11

night-stay at the Presidential Suite at the Hilton Hotel, Liverpool

214 day passes for Alton Towers

500 1lt bottles

of Smirnoff Vodka

30,000 tins of beans

TUITION FEE?

So, the lovely people in the posh buildings in London have upped the uni fees to £9,000. Per YEAR. Now it’s not just super noodles for the year; it’s super noodles for the next fifty years. Sure, a degree is great and all, but what else could you have spent those 900,000 pennies on? Here are a few ideas – from the useful, or weird and wonderful, to the down-right depressing. Worth thinking about while extending your overdraft...AGAIN...

4090

cups of Starbucks coffee. Medium.

20,000 KitKat

Chunkys

Words: Laura Barns

75

54 cans of caviar

pairs of Raybans

34

years subscription to Sky TV’s basic package

78

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Words by - Jess Rayn er

TOP LOCAL BANDS Wales has a lot to offer in terms of music, being home to a number of diverse and talented artists with the count continuing to grow. If you are looking for some new music or local live music is your thing, here are five great bands from various corners of Wales starting to cause a stir. If you are looking to escape the Freshers week madness, get yourself down to some local gigs you are guaranteed to stumble across some musical gems.

Sweet Baboo

Sweet Baboo is indie pop singer-songwriter Stephen Black, who recently released his fourth album and is steadily shaping into a confident recording artist. His sound continues to develop with his beautiful fragile vocals being perfectly off set with uplifting melodies and plenty of sax. The result is up beat, laid back tracks, which will have you instantly tapping your feet.

Blood Flower

Welsh duo Jonnie Owen and Tom Manning who started BloodFlower as a creative experiment ended up producing a debut album which has caused them to be a band highly tipped for 2013. Their sound mixes electronic melodies with yearning vocals drawing on New Wave influences, with insistent synths and 80s style drum samples. They have received critical acclaim from MMP along with Radio One Djs securing them as one of the most exciting new bands to come out of Wales.

Peasant's King

Peasant’s King are a band continuing to grow in popularity having previously toured with Mumford and Sons, and recently played the BBC Introducing stage at this year’s Reading Festival. The five piece from Pontypridd produce an infectious mix of indie riffs likened to bands such as Kings of Leon with a pop sensibility at their core.

The steady flurry of jangly guitars and soulful vocals create radiofriendly, emotive tracks, its no surprise Radio One snapped them up!

Houdini Dax

Cardiff trio Houdini Dax are definitely a name to remember, producing an energetic mix of psychedelia and 60s rock ‘n’ roll.

The Dax boys are still only just starting out, but in the past couple of years they have built a strong fan base stemming from their on stage chemistry which is refreshingly engaging. The mix of psychedelia, garage rock and sonic pop melodies awash with Beatles esque guitars produces an accomplished and nostalgic sound.

The Adelines 80

Formed in 2011, The Adelines produce sun-drenched, guitar driven songs combining pop melodies with bittersweet lyrics. Their sound is filled with summer vibes, mixing plenty of plucky reverb guitar, soft vocals and pop sensibilities. They have been compared to bands such as The Vaccines; with their coming of age lyrics seamlessly interweaved with energetic pop melodies. The Adelines provide a fresh take on the muchloved indie-pop formula offering up an alternative summery sound.

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ph Smith Words By - Jose

n of pecial editio only s y r e v a s i ot This zine because nvents of a g a M s s e l e r i W the Freshers e does it cover also our October issue, September, it’sing to show you how to hence we’re goreepy student Halloween throw a super c some ideas to get your Party. Here are ly soiling themselves: friends violent

DRINKS

Vodka Jelly with Worms In a twist to the classic vodka jelly, why not throw some jelly worms in there while they’re setting?

Mountain Dew Energy with Whiskey

Because Mountain Dew Energy is the only drink to make your piss glow in the dark it’s perfect for that creepy Halloween atmosphere. There isn’t a name for this cocktail yet but we’d like to call it “Dew Me” or “Dewby Dewby Dew Dew Don’t.”

Stella Artois

Officially the scariest lager in the country.

DECORATIONS

S’mores

FOOD

A traditional American campfire snack made of marshmallow, chocolate and Graham crackers (to us that’s a digestive biscuit). If you don’t have an open fire about the place just put them in the microwave.

Tesco’s Everyday Value Lasagne

Served with a framed picture of Shergar.

Brains

You can get cheap lamb or goat ones from your local butcher’s or meat market. If you have any left over the next day you can mash them up with some potatoes and coriander to make a delicious hash.

Kardashian Pumpkins

Carve out pumpkins with the faces of your favourite Kardashian characters. They can also double up as costumes if you wear them and re-enact the family’s outrageous antics.

Pete Doherty Drug Paraphernalia

Inspired by the undead singer’s new album, you can create the illusion of being in his bachelor pad by smearing red and brown paint on the walls and leaving a few crack pipes hanging around the place.

Black Candles

Available from all good goth superstores. Not only are these great creepy decorations in themselves, if your house is haunted they will help summon real life ghosts and demons giving your party that added element of authenticity.

82

Ouija Board

GAMES

A supernatural board game utilized before the age of Google. Everybody puts their finger on an upturned glass surrounded by the alphabet and asks Michael Jackson what the deal really was with Macaulay Culkin.

Twerk the tale on the donkey

A sexy twist to the classic party game.

Bobbing For Apples

Not only a cheap source of nutrition in recession-hit Britain, but also an accurate model of how modern financial markets work.

Quality Goods and Fantastic Service with Low Prices Come and see us at 8 Farrar Road, Bangor, LL57 1LJ

Tel: 01248 354855

or visit our website at www.foxyfancydress.co.uk

Topical Celebrity

COSTUMES

It’s been a year since the great Halloween of Jimmy Saville but since then there’s been a celebrity getting locked-up under similar circumstances almost on a daily basis. If that seems in bad taste then why not go as a dead celebrity?

At the time of writing, according to deathlist.com, celebs on their way out include Ronnie Biggs, Prince Phillip and George Bush Sr.

Lady Gaga In terms of fancy dress costumes Gaga is the gift that won’t stop giving, and with her new album coming out you’ll soon have even more ways to look like a vapid attention seeker.

The easiest way to get the Gaga look is cover your naked body in Pritt Stick and roll around in the trash.

Game of Thrones/ Lord of the Rings/ Harry Potter Character All you need to look generically wizard-like is a beard and a robe, add an axe and some armour and you have a generic knight-type character. It’s all the rage.

A Sinister Bin Bag This is the ultimate in budget costuming. Just make sure you make head and arm holes otherwise your party could end sooner than expected.

A Sexy Sinister Bin Bag - The same but with stockings.

Jack Sparrow - There’s always one isn’t there?

83

Words by - Matt Gamm ond

Sobriety at University Let’s be honest here, guys... you’re probably sat there reading this preparing for a sweaty night out, aren’t you? An evening of violent drinking, questionable dancing and diabolical levels of personal hygiene; I mean, that’s the university way... for 99% of students.

84

hen you have me; a man who managed to survive three years at his institution without getting drunk once.

Not once. Never. We do exist, us sober folk, though we are seen to be the universe’s most boring bastards because getting tanked up on Diet Coke doesn’t exactly lead to dizzying frivolity.

Trust me on that, yeah?

T

The amount of times I’ve been asked how and why I did this numbers somewhere north of 769, and if I had a pound for every time I’d been questioned I would have, erm, £769. Obviously.

And you know what? I don’t really have one answer because there are several reasons behind my decision to not drink at all, most of which I won’t disclose here. The amount of alcohol that has ever crossed into the noman’s-land which is my gob is very minimal, partly because I hate the taste of almost every beverage I’ve tried, partly because I’m a health freak and partly because it’s expensive.

iving the stereotypical s t u d e n t lifestyle was never going to be easy for me, and to be brutally honest I was scared about going to university. I was concerned that my personal choices would be ignored and I’d be held down and forced into drinking a living barrelload of nastiness, like we’ve seen in countless movies.

Thankfully, that never happened and as it turns out my choices were respected, though I was still the butt of many jokes, but I can live with that.

The point I want to make is that it is possible to enjoy being a student without getting pissed on a nightly basis. Would I go back and change how I approached university? No, not a chance.

I loved every second of my time there; the people, the places, the good times. And never once did I feel I needed alcohol.

the stereotypical student lifestyle was never going to be easy he delicious side order to this is the fact that I had a lot of money... a lot. I heard stories about people ditching their entire student loans/ grants on drink and being horrendously poor almost all of the time. I definitely didn’t want to end up like that and neither should you. As a result, I lived a luxurious life (to a student at least) which made my experience even better. OK, so I never danced the night away, I never made random friends in a bar and I never made any ridiculous traffic cone-based memories – but I can live with that, and you can too.

Realise I probably sound like a dull grandad whose days of partying are behind him, but that’s just me...

I guess I’m just a bit weird.

There are certainly people out there that view me as a genetic mutation; a freak that was fit to be Charles Xavier’s butler, but so what?! I never cared what other people thought and I still don’t nowadays.

he puzzled look that crept across a person’s face when they were confronted with the knowledge of my drinkfree life used to insult me.

Why was I expected to be a piss head? But that all passed and I just accept myself as being a little different and, yes, a little bit boring. Oh well. I just take solace in the fact that I am living proof that university can be enjoyed in a sober way, and I just wanted to share that with you.

I never made any ridiculous traffic conebased memories... but I can live with that.

I had a lot of money...

I lived a luxurious life (to a student at least) 85

Cheap night out North Wales

Liquid and Envy, Wrexham

Old Glan, Scream Bar, Bangor Unless you’ve got some kind of private income you’re going to have to face it; a diet of champagne and foie gras just isn’t sustainable when you’re a student. In order to survive you’re going to need some cheap beer. Why not try some of these fine establishments?

Franchises of Scream Bar are always a safe bet for some cheap and cheerful food and drink.

The Old Glan is a great spot to chill out, especially if you’re into big screen sports. For the best student drinks offers sign up for a yellow card.

Liquid and Envy, Wrexham For all you club-heads in Wrexham the best place to go for a good time on a budget is Liquid and Envy. On Wednesdays it hosts the Funky Monkey student night featuring DJ Pat Starr and £1.80 drinks. Their Sin On Sundays club night sees drinks go for as cheap as £1.50 and there’s a twofor-one offer long cocktails!

Telford’s Warehouse. Not only is it a decent bar with a great selection of cask ales, Telford’s plays host to a live act almost every night. Most gigs are around £4 to get in but many are absolutely free!

Peep, Bangor Bangor’s newest and sexiest nightclub playing cool hip hop and commercial pop. It’s Undergrad club night on Fridays may be £3/£4 on the door (with a valid NUS card) but once you’re in it’s only £1 a pint. You can’t say fairer than that!

Telford's Warehouse, Chester If you’re a live music lover and you don’t enjoy splashing out on tickets to over-priced stadium gigs you’ll love the option of Chester’s

Telford's Warehouse, Chester

86

South Wales Revolution, 9-11 Castle St, Cardiff

Cardiff boasts a variety of pubs and clubs to meet your night out needs.

Whether you prefer live music washed down with cocktails or club nights that host the freshest DJs, Cardiff always has something to offer you throughout the week.

Here’s a day-to-day guide of the places to be.

Gassy Jacks, 39-41 Salisbury Road Cardiff

MONDAY: start at the Woodville for QUIDS. You got it, a mere one pound sterling for your drink. After this, a short distance is Greyfriars where you’ll find TigerTiger who host PLUS1, full of the top tunes.

TUESDAY: head over to Revolution for SYNC, two floors of DJs spinning the latest tracks. If your wallet is looking pitiful, then Live Lounge is for you with its £1 wine. Live Lounge is open til 4am, every day of the week.

WEDNESDAY: societies hold socials on Wednesdays. Club socials are a great way to mingle and Cardiff University Student’s Union packs in amazing prices to keep the night expenditure at a low. Retro’s WTF?! night of 90s vibes is a popular choice for students and easy going on the bank balance.

FRIDAY: with 2-4-1 cocktails at Gassy Jacks it’s time to prep for the weekend. THERAPY in Glam is a huge night out and tickets sell out so get your hands on tickets to avoid disappointment. If you fancy a different scene, SODA is also a popular choice on a Friday night.

SATURDAY: the weekend has arrived. SODA has just begun a new night called SOIREE so be sure to check that out. Saturday proves to be a busy night with a place to please everyone’s taste.

SUNDAY: the day of rest for many. Head over to Buffalo Bar in the day for all day hangover breakfasts and milkshakes. In the evening, at Buffalo Bar is open until 3am playing a selection of Rock ‘n’ roll, Swing and Jive. And if you’re feeling a thirsty, cocktails are 2-4-1. If this doesn’t wet your appetite, SODA SUNDAYS will get you ready for the coming week.

THURSDAY: Glam holds PROPAGANDA, the biggest indie Words : Rhiân Fuller music night. If this isn’t your style of music then try SIGNATURE at Buffalo Glam, Greyfriars Rd, Cardiff Bar. Open until 4am, stay downstairs for the best of Hip Hop, Reggae and Ska or head upstairs for a mix of Experimental Dubstep.

87

The Morning After the Night Before:

A Guide to being Hungover

Good night out?

If the answer is yes then you’re probably hating life today.

Am I right? Well, never fear, help is at hand to get you through this tough time in your life.

Firstly, there are several types of hangover: 1. A slight headache (congrats) 2. Headache and extreme tiredness (zzz) 3. Headache, tiredness and nausea (grim) 4. Headache, tiredness, nausea and fear of death (savage)

You will know what category hangover you have as soon as you wake up by how your body feels. The category will also directly correlate to how you 88

look. For example, if you wake up in last night’s clothes or in nothing but your shoes, you’re likely to be a category 3 or 4. If you still don’t know how bad the hangover will be, check your phone.

means you won’t be able to tell hunger and nausea apart and from fear of being sick, won’t eat or want to drink anything.

I urge you to try and drink and eat something. You’ll feel much more human, I promise.

Categories 1 and 2 certainly won’t have sent any embarrassing texts or tweets to angry flatmates or crushes, whereas categories 3 and 4 will have confessed their undying love for their tutor over Twitter. Fantastic.

If you are classed as either category 1 or 2 hangover then drink some water and eat salty food - you’ll be fine. If it’s 3 or 4 or you class it to be any worse then you are in a dire situation. Of course, it’s made worse because it’s self inflicted and therefore nobody feels remotely sorry for you.

Before food is consumed if you are nervous about vomming then I would try to get up and stand in the shower for a few minutes. You’ll wash last night off you so you at least won’t have to smell the alcohol anymore.

Categories 3 and 4 mean that movement is extremely limited due to the nausea. This also

Words by Holly Risdon

Just remember, you’re not going to die, ..even if it feels like it.

Just stick films on and eat some chips. In fact, that’s a panacea for any problem you’ll encounter in life. Keep calm and eat chips.

Fifty Shades of

Words by Alan Ormrod

Following the incred ible success of a cert ain un-named sexual no always happy to expa vel we at Wireless, wh nd our sexual horizons o are (and jump on ANY band cocksmiths and clunge wagon) have sent out plungers to discover expert the best and worst of sex in the world toda y.

Each issue we’ll be ex posing you to some of th es e with helpful diagra attempt them yourselv ms, should you wish to es.Remember though, we accept no liabilit y should you suffer in or embarrassment as jury a result of these mano euvres.

#32. The Nicholas Cage

A relatively new entry into the world of sexual positions the Nicholas (or Nick) Cage involves both participants purposefully performing terribly during the act of intercourse, in any posi tion.

The interesting bit is that both particip ants then proceed to fake the most mind blowing, stomach churning orgasm imaginable whilst scre aming Nickolas Cage quotes.Extra points are give n for wearing Nick Cage masks.

sloth st climb slowly out #5. The participant mu

The female branch. She then hangs, onto the end of a sturdy e male participant th waiting patiently as gradually, gradually and gle emerges from the jun ally, an eternity later, travels towards her. Fin speed and enthusiasm the he mounts her with all d. ow cr ck ro e di in of an

#12. The Aquefucked

A sexual manoeuvre that has bee n made illegal in the entire world, thanks in large par ts to the multitude of drowning related deaths that it has been linked with.

This position should be attempted by no human being, ever.

A group of 10 or more people must perform the ‘crab’ yoga pose (see illustration for cla rity) with each party having their face in the crotch of the person in front and their crotch in the face of the person behind.The aim is for the resultant formation to look like a Roman aqueduct.

Extra points are given for multip le tiers of human.

01

t u O y a D Cheap t Gammond Words: Mat

Death; it stalks us all. Every time you leave the house, every time you get in your car... every time you go to a Star Trek convention dressed as Han Solo.

Speaking as someone who has the balancing ability of a pissed elephant with a dicky set of knees, the idea of strapping myself to a bit of plastic and bending over to receive the judgement of gravity first hand on some godforsaken slope was not a good one.

I was going to learn to snowboard, along with two other Wireless journos, at Manchester’s epic Chill Factore complex. Now,

having only ever ridden a skateboard once (with unenviable consequences) I can say I was apprehensive... apprehensive of being able to look down and see that my arse was now where my balls usually are.

On arrival, the three of us were given the Herculean task of putting on the cold-proof pants, jacket, gloves and boots. Much to our embarrassment, we had to ask a snow-covered Manc whether or not we put the gear on over our regular clothes. We’d all lost nine ‘awesome points’ before we’d even got inside. Damn it!

The Slope

Anyway, I digress.

We were to be taught by Dougal Doyle; a man so cool he once turned down giving Justin Bieber a lesson because he’d rather eat his pizza. Give this guy a medal.

He even trained Daniel Craig’s stunt double. Top bloke!

Dougal Doyle owboard Instructor Team Wireless And Sn

90

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He ran us all through the basics of attaching yourself to the death machine - err I mean snowboard - before letting us loose on the slope. Thankfully there was nobody around for us to maim, but that didn’t stop me trying. I fell over plenty of times and somehow de-snow-proofed my clothes by letting a load of the white stuff down my backside. No, not like that you dirty fool you.

As our session progressed we were allowed further and further up the slope until we were all coming down from the very top... backwards. Gadzooks!

Dougal was really helpful and realised that we were all pretty incompetent... but never let on.

He kept us well within the limits of our ability, with the toughest manoeuvre we had to crack – going down backwards before turning and finishing the ride facing forwards – eventually being mastered by all of us. Though as I write that I’m thinking about

WWW.KINGKABS.CO.UK

when Michael smashed into the barriers Formula 1-style... perhaps “mastered” is being used p Tuition incorrectly.

Joe Receives Some To In all though it was a fantastic day out and something I’d never thought I’d do in my life. It’s a surreal experience to be standing on something that’s moving pretty much without your control (unless you’re a Dougal-Tier Grandmaster) and yes, it is quite scary the first time, have no illusions about that.

Don’t fear it though. Do it.

Experience it! The staff are great, the facilities are amazing and it’s great fun. I actually got quite good after only 50 minutes on the snow and if someone as daft as me can get something out of it you must be able to.

And... yes. I think I made it all the way through this article without making a snow-related pun, because I’m cool like that.

Oh wait...

91

What's On

Johnny Marr

It’s amazing to think that it was only this year that Marr released his debut solo album and to his credit it’s probably the closest he’s come to emulating the Smiths since leaving the band.

5th October @ Central Station, Wrexham

Original rude boy and founding member of the Specials, Neville Staple and his band still know how to get an audience moving.

Dust off your ska hat and get down there.

4th October @ The Tivoli, Buckley

Kids

English hard rock band with heavy riffs and anthemic choruses. This year saw them gain support slots with Lower Than Atlantis as well as playing Download and Slamdunk festivals.

7th September @ The Compass, Chester

Madina

Lake

Madina Lake are an Alt Rock band whose popularity peaked in 2007 with their single ‘Here I Stand.’ Sadly this is the band’s farewell tour, and fans aren’t going to want to miss it.

4th October @ Central Station, Wrexham

92

Gwledd Conwy Feast

A two day food festival taking places within the ancient walled town of Conwy. This year’s event promises 150 food stalls, an outdoor market and a special guest appearance from John Power!

26th October @ Conwy

Neville Staple

Blitz

Big acts Heading Your Way !

Beans

On

Toast

Most modern folk music can be quite anachronistic, but Beans On Toast tackles modern issues that we can all relate to.

Issues like taking shit loads of MDMA at a festival.

4th October @ The Compass, Chester

Charlie Boyer the

and

Voyeurs

The boys from Charlie Boyer and the Voyeurs rose into the spotlight when they supported TOY last year. They’re best described as a gothic pubrock Velvet Underground.

Sounds good, right?

27th September @ Central Station, Wrexham

Catfish and

the

Bottlemen Originating just up the road in Llandudno, indie rockers Catfish and the Bottlemen have impressed the pants off Steve Lamacq who made them his favourite band of the week earlier this year.

3rd October @ Telfrod’s Warehouse, Chester

Psychic

Ills

Ice cool New York experimental outfit who released their fourth album this year. Their weird psychedelia may be hard to get your head around but you’ll certainly seem cooler for having went.

25th September @ Central Station, Wrexham

Skid Ugly

Row Kid

+

Joe

A scuzzy pair of classic hair metal bands from the golden era of the eighties. Not quite as dark as Iron Maiden, the pair are a lot closer to Wayne’s World than Spinal Tap. 26th October @ Central Station, Wrexham

BBC Radio New Comedy Award 2013

For a taste of new comedy talent head down to Glee Club, Cardiff Bay’s infamous comedy club for the live recording of the Cardiff heats of BBC Radio New Comedy Award 2013. 10th-11th Sept:

TONYPANDEONIUM To celebrate 100 years of the Park & Dare theatre in Treorchy the venue plays host to the first play from Dylan Thomas Prize winning author Rachel Trezise.

10th – 19th October: National Theatre Wales, Park & Dare Theatre, Treorchy

Cardiff Heats, Glee Club

Sean

Lock

One of the UK’s most highly acclaimed and original comedians famed for his extensive TV appearances on shows such as Never Mind the Buzzcocks, QI and Mock the Week.

20th Sept: St Davids Hall

Swim

Deep

Another band to add to evergrowing list of acts to come out of B-Town, these skinny-jeans clad indie boys offer up a laid back sound with grungy undertones.

22nd Sept: The Globe ‘It’s

A

Family

Affair…(We’ll Settle

It

Ourselves)

Championed for the continually ground-breaking contributions to theatre which showcase talent from Wales and beyond, a visit to Sherman is definitely a must do.

25th Sept – 12th Oct: Sherman Cymru

Tom

Odell

The British singersongwriter has had a whirlwind of a year since winning the Critic’s Choice Award at the Brits. His debut album Long Way Down reached number one in the album charts.

12th October: Great Hall, Cardiff Student Union

SWN

Festival

2013 For music lovers, this festival which is set to take over venues across Cardiff for another year is big news. The first wave of acts was announced earlier in the summer. It’s shaping up to be even bigger and better than last year.

Words

Almut

Linde:

Radical Beauty

A unique exhibition from artist Almut Linde, who instead of working with brush and canvas produces pieces with a intense physical element using people and social systems.

19th October: Chapter Arts

Russell

Kane

A British comedian who is a regular performer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

This year saw him gain an even bigger TV presence by appearing on shows such as BBC Three’s Britain Unzipped.

25th October: Sherman Cymru

Blue This year has been taken over by a complete 90s revival and in celebration of some classic 90s cheese, Blue take to the stage at Cardiff Student Union this October.

30th October: Great Hall, Cardiff Student Union

By:

Jess

Rayner

93

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