Wireless Magazine - Nov/Dec 2013

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Robert De Niro Alice In Chains

You Me At Six Student Cook-Off Xmas Party

Console Wars

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Greetings true believers!

We’ve had a hard time squeezing everything in this issue because we’ve got so many star-studded interviews coming out of the rafters. First off we’ve got The Family Rain discussing their new album; we got to have a chat with the awesome You Me At Six; Tinie Tempah dropped by to shoot the shit; we got to talk to legendary grunge rockers Alice in Chains; and last but not least we’ve only gone and got an interview with Michelle Pfeiffer and Bobby Raging Bull-Taxi Driver De Frickin’ Niro.

How are we ever going to top this?

Nov / Dec 2013 Edition

In this issue....

THE FAMILY RAIN P.5

CHASE & STATUS P.7

YOU ME AT SIX P.12

MOVEMBER P.15

AGONY UNCLE P.18

CONSOLE WARS P.26

TINNIE TEMPAH P.28

STUDENT COOKOFF P.32

MOVIE STAR INTERVIEW P.34

ALICE IN CHAINS P.44

BUDGET CHRISTMAS P.46

Also in this

issue....

This publication is aimed at people over the age of 18, due to the nature of its content. If you are under 18, we suggest you put this magazine down and pick up a copy of Kerrang or Seventeen or something.

Sorry about that, our lawyers told us to tell you.

NEWS - WHAT’S ON GUIDE - GET THE LOOK - FILMS & GAMES CHRISTMAS TV GUIDE - THE MASS DEBATE - CHRISTMAS RECIPES POST-LOAN SURVIVAL - COMPETITIONS - MUCH MORE...

Editor: Andy Scott | Sub-editor: Joseph Smith Design: Chris Law, Chris Ranken.

Contributors: Jessica Dawson, Gazz Wood, Lauren-Rose Williams, Alan Ormrod, Marty McGovern, Mark Haldon, Rebecca Jackson Photos: Tom Welsh, Mick Prince

Whilst every care has been taken to ensure that the data in this publication is accurate, neither the publisher nor its editorial contributors can accept any liability to any party or loss or damage caused by errors or omissions resulting from negligence, accident or any other cause.

Published by: WIRELESS MAGAZINE LTD Telephone: 0151 345 3803 Advertising:sales@ukstudentmedia.net Editorial: info@wireless-online.co.uk

Big thanks to: Andy Bates, April Green, All the guys at Chuff Media (as always, muchos love), Everyone at Zeitgeist and APB, Woodford Litho, Sports Interactive, Entertainment One, Dave Lightfoot, Apazine, Lau's Chippy, Yer ma.

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NEWS

Clive Barker is Writing a Hellraiser Remake

The creator of the classic 80s horror flick Hellraiser is in the process of planning a remake of the original film. Early reports even suggest that Doug Bradley, who played the original S&M monster ‘Pinhead’, will be back to reprise the role.

Barker told Total Film: “The idea of my coming back to the original film [was to tell] the story with a fresh intensity. Honouring the structure and the designs from the first incarnation but hopefully creating an even darker and richer film.” Barker also said that the film would not be ‘awash with CGI’ and much like the original it would depend on make-up and practical special effects. Production of the new movie is currently in the hands of Dimension Films.

Brewer Creates 67.5% Beer A British brewery has created the world’s strongest beer at 67.5% proof. Brewmeister’s Snake Venom is sold at £50 for a 275ml bottle and should be drank in 35ml servings. The beer’s creators say that it tastes more like a liqueur than a beer and incorporates flavours such as bubblegum and caramel. The previous record was held by Armageddon at 65%.

Anarchist Creates Free Postal System

Man Saves Beer From Burning House

A self-styled ‘anarchist philatelist’ has managed to send letters for free by making stamps with his face on. Angus McDonagh says that he has sent a hundred letters to as far away as Australia and has only had one of the fake stamps returned to him.

Angus has created 50 unique fake stamps which feature him wearing badly drawnon beards and berets.

A disabled man from the US state of Georgia narrowly escaped from a burning house after he re-entered to save his crate of beer.

Walter Serpit, who walks with a cane said: ‘Me, myself, being an alcoholic, I was trying to get my beer out.’ All six residents of the house and a case of Bud Light escaped the fire unharmed.

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Lou Bega Is Still Alive The man behind the nineties hit ‘Mambo No.5’ has had to assure fans that he’s still alive after being mistaken for the recently deceased Lou Reed.

Bega, who has nothing to do with the Velvet Underground, has received ‘tons of condolences’ since the death of the legendary rockstar. Comedian Louis C.K. is also alive but actor Lou Costello died in 1959.

MINI INTERVIEW: Indie-blues rockers The Family Rain have been gaining acclaim and momentum throughout 2013. I recently caught up with Will from the band to discuss how they are getting on: So Will, what can you tell us about the origins of The Family Rain?

The band was a long time coming actually. We have all been into music since our early teens. We were all in bands that eventually dispersed and got proper jobs. Just the three of us were left so we decided to take it seriously about two years ago. The rest is history!

How was touring with the likes of Jake Bugg, Miles Kane and The Courteeners?

They were really fucking good to us. They supported us massively and gave us loads of encouragement and it was a great experience. We’ve been pretty lucky with the bands we’ve supported, in terms of bonding and stuff; they’ve all been really good to us.

What can we expect from the album? Are there any major influences on your music?

Words by Mark Haldon

We had quite a good musical upbringing, listening to early Peter Green and Fleetwood Mac. As we’ve grown up though we’ve gotten more into our own stuff. Tim and I listen to a lot of 80’s hip-hop. We really like De La Soul and Tribe Called Quest.

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This issue, we will be mostly... ...listening to

...playing Xbox One or PS4

Jake Bugg – Shangri La (out 18th November)

Mr. Bugg is becoming quite a regular guest on the pages of Wireless Magazine and we were surprised to hear he was recording a second album so soon after the first.

If his newest singles are anything to go by though, we’re in for a treat.

...and a classic Lou Reed Transformer After you’ve gotten over the bad taste Halloween costumes, it might be best honour the sad demise of one of rock’s greatest icons last month by sticking on this stone cold classic for your listening pleasure.

Bonus points for Ziggy Stardust backing vocals.

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They’re finally here! What side are you going to take?

It might be a while until there’s a decent selection of titles for the next generation of consoles, but if you’re having difficulty making up your mind in the mean time be sure to sure check out Gazz Wood’s excellent console wars article in this issue!

and...

Football Manager 2014 (Out now) We’ve heard vague whispers about a game called GTA recently. Apparently it’s quite good but it pales in significance to the truly most addictive gaming franchise on the planet.

That’s right; Footy Manager is back. Bring it on.

...going to see Queens Of The Stone Age (touring Nov)

The world’s greatest rock band remained quite quiet for a while, and there was

a long six year break in the run up to their current album. Now though, they’re back and making more noise than ever. You’d be a fool to miss the UK leg of their world tour.

...watching The Day of the Doctor (airs on 23rd November) To celebrate the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who, the Tenth Doctor (David Tennant) will team up with the Eleventh Doctor (Matt Smith) to form a lethal coalition of boyish good looks. Oh and apparently they’ve thrown in some science fiction in there as well.

Looking forward to...

The Xmas Break They don’t call it the most wonderful time of the year for nothing, when else is it socially acceptable to kiss strangers and be drunk in the daytime? What’s more, a lot of you will be returning home for free food and pampering. Cheers Jesus!

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Chase&Status

No one can question the success and importance of the London duo, Chase and Status; their ability to intertwine heavy, gritty drum ‘n’ bass with more accessible house tunes has brought an otherwise underground music scene to the masses over the ten years they’ve been in the industry. So with the release of their third studio album, ‘Brand New Machine’, we caught up with Saul Milton (Chase) to hear all about how their new album is shaping up to be their best yet. Saul explains his feelings about the album being released.

Words by

Jessica Dawson

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“Anxious. But relieved. It’s such a good feeling because it’s the biggest stress getting it in for the deadline, so actually having it out there is just a relief.”

Such stress is expected when their new album is filled with a mammoth fourteen tracks painting the electronic/ drum ‘n’ bass spectrum with every colour. There are dark, dense moments like ‘Gun Metal Grey’ but, placed alongside are radio-friendly, house tunes like ‘Count On Me’ and mellow emotive numbers like ‘What Is Right’. They’re all stamped with the Chase and Status trademark that they’ve become known for, and yet the record is incredibly eclectic.

“If you listen to some of our stuff from ten years ago, you’d hear me break that shit all the time. I think we’ve always been eclectic. But, on this album, we just got it all out: house tunes, working with Major Laser, and, as a first, we’ve released an original garage tune with ‘Blk & Blu.’” The album represents ten years in music; it’s a collection of every root of electronic music they’ve ever explored. How, then, will ‘Brand New Machine’ stand up to their last album?

“When we did ‘No More Idols,’ we didn’t think we’d do anything - and then it just did really well. It was a bit of a career changing album. It all happened without much thought.

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“This album is stronger, the production’s better, the song writing is better. It’s where we’re at. It’s everything that’s inspired us to make music.

“It’s inspired by 1998 with the raves and all that shit.

It’s all those memories from when we were DJ’s. It’s why I’m sitting here now, talking to you; it’s why we’re doing this shit. With everything we do on the record, we’ve really gone back in time and remembered all of why we’re here. The whole spectrum of the album is very 1990s - the album is a big step back in time.”

Being drum and bass producers, Chase and Status have worked with a lot of incredible artists as collaborators, Nile Rodgers being one of them. On the newest album he helped create the tune ‘What Is Right’: “He basically played guitar

Chase and Status: ‘Brand New Machine’ “is everything that has inspired us to make music... It’s a big step back in time.” non-stop - he’s a machine. He’s incredible. We were really pleased with the outcome.”

Chase and Status aren’t strangers to massive names.

Their last album had an abundance of established artists like Plan B and Dizzie Rascal. Although this outing does have big stars like Nile and Skrillex, it seems that the record is coated with a bunch of new names, strangers to the masses yet very promising talents: “We love working with new talent. It’s inspiring, it’s exciting. All they want to do is make music and perform.

It’s an incredible state to be in. It’s also an incredible feeling to be part of someone’s journey. Elli Ingram did one of her first performances with us, headlining The Other Stage at Glastonbury and she just took it in her stride. I guess working with new people is a big part of us and we like people who don’t sound like anyone else, who are on their own wave.”

It’s true. The vocals on many tracks of ‘Brand New Machine’ are beautifully unique. MOKO starring on ‘Count on Me’ and ‘Like That’ has a flawless, chillingly high pitched voice, and it’s not surprising that Saul would speak so highly of Elli Ingram as her vocals on ‘Heaven Knows’ reach climatic, moving heights. Moving on from the album, it seems fitting to talk of their massive summer – and their even bigger next couple of months.

“It’s amazing - one of the best summers we’ve had of all time. It’s sort of built up to our first arena tour, which we’re really excited about as it’s a lot of tickets for a lot of people. Where we’re from, as house DJs, and

we’re now headlining huge festivals and doing arena tours - it’s fucking nuts.

“We’re going in with brand-new stage production, incredible lights, great visuals. It’s just going to be much, much bigger.”

“We’re going to carry on making music, do more albums as Chase and Status, work with more people.”

This is the scale that a drum ‘n’ bass duo have come to and, from their background, it’s pretty much unheard of to reach such success. They’ve

played massive shows, they’re about to embark on a monster arena tour, got a double platinum album with ‘No More Idols’ and they’re about to release another incredible record... What else is left, what other goals can the Chase and Status lads be aiming for?

“We’ve evolved, lots changes on a daily basis. We try and see our families as much as possible, that’s very important to us. Musically, we’re going to carry on making music, do more albums as Chase and Status, work with more people.

MTA, our label, we’re very passionate about. There are a lot of artists on there who we look after, who we nurture and help them be successful, to pursue their dreams.

It’s just always on the go.”

The passion is still bubbling under their otherwise calm and composed demeanour, their talent is still fresh and exciting, and they’ve even started taking on new artists to reach success. Chase and Status, despite their longevity in the industry, have not even started going stale.

Upturning old memories and inspirations have made their new sound massively varied but, all in all, interesting.

There’s no doubt that this album will score well with fans and newcomers alike.

‘Brand New Machine’ is out now.

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WIN! THE WORLD’S MOST ADDICTIVE GAME.

BY FAR. SERIOUSLY, DON’T EVEN BOTHER WITH THAT DEGREE ANYMORE. NOT EVEN MESSING. BETTER GET A QUICK WASH BEFORE IT ARRIVES, COS IT’LL BE YOUR LAST ONE FOR A WHILE. To the layman, this might just look like a bunch of sprites kicking a ball around a field of their own accord. I mean, you’re not even controlling them, what’s the point? Well Football Manager 2014, is the latest in the series of the management simulation game, and it’s by far the most advanced. With an incredible database of players (that even David Moyes reportedly uses to check out talent!) it now features over 1000 changes implemented since its predecessor came out last year, including the new “cloud save” option - meaning you can play the game wherever you are in the world. So now you can ignore your other half on an international level, not just at home.

To celebrate its release, the lovely people at Sports Interactive have given us a couple of copies, which we don’t really want to give away but we promised we would. To win one, just tell us:

Which of these is a real football manager?

A) Hank Von Traction B) Barrington Fandango C) Arsene Wenger

Text COMPS FOOTY and your answer to 07786 202 430 (don’t worry, it’s just your normal text cost.

If you don’t get free texts, just ask a mate or something.)

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POST-Loan Survival Guide

It’s getting to that time of year - that strange limbo between blowing the remainder of your loan on shoes and getting to mooch off your parents for the Christmas holidays. Unless you’ve taken the sensible advice of budgeting and scrimping from the start, you’re probably a bit skint by now. Luckily for you guys we’ve compiled a bunch of pro-tips for being a bum at Uni. Preload

Why piss your ill-gotten money up the wall by buying six quid cocktails when you can have your fill of white cider at home moments before going out? Drink cheap and fast, and head out later than you usually would so everyone else is on the same level. You only have to maintain your composure until you get past the bouncers.

Don’t take out another loan

In a great example of direct inverse correlation, the shittier the economy gets the more payday loan joints start popping up.

Don’t be tempted; some of them have rates of up to 4,000% APR and you’d get a better deal selling your unborn grandchildren on the black-market.

Get a 0% overdraft

Banks are generally happy to give you a 0% interest overdraft of around £200, and if you haven’t got one already it’s probably because you’ve been too lazy to look into it. You don’t have to pay any interest on using these facilities, but you should still only use them in the case of an emergency because they can still cause problems once you graduate. Remember there’s no such thing as free money!

Noodle up

Everybody knows about those 19p Chinese brand noodles you can buy in discount shops. It’s not recommended you try and exist on these alone for long stints but they sure do keep you alive when money is tight.

Why not try throwing an egg in there to give them at least some nutritional value?

Go to a college hairdressers

In his seminal piece about being a bum, ‘Down and Out In Paris in London,’ George Orwell describes the shame of trying to hide poverty by cutting your own hair.

Don’t be a sucker like Poorwell, go to a college hairdressers where they’ll do it for free.

Then if they fuck it up you’ll at least have a good excuse for looking like Harpo Marx.

Use the library internet

Instead of paying for your own.

You can also save money on a TV licence if you only watch Netflix or Love Film (preferably on their free trial, but don’t forget to cancel). Libraries aren’t great for porn consumption however.

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YOU SIX Me At

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Still only in their early twenties, British rock band You Me At Six are soon to bring out their fourth studio album after a steady flow of gold albums and high selling singles. Their latest single “Lived A Lie” recently released on the 21st of October and things are only going up for YMA6. We got to have a chat with Matt from the band while they were touring in the states...

Interview –

by Lauren-Rose Williams

What is it like being back on tour in America?

Really loving it; people are starting to catch on and get a jist of what the band’s really about. It’s loads of fun.

How does touring America compare with touring the UK? Obviously it’s a lot bigger, yesterday we drove for 14 hours to get from Texas to Arizona and they’re right next to each other. So it’s harder in retrospect that we have to travel a lot more and there are a lot more people and shows but - I love it. You get to see loads of new faces and some really cool shit.

Who is the most serious member of YMA6 on tour?

Dan or Josh, they’re a lot more grown up. For instance yesterday the rest of us got completely wasted but they didn’t for some reason.

Where do YMA6 find most of their inspiration?

We try and find inspiration in normal places. We’ve never sung for anyone else and

we never will, we just get inspired by each other and what’s going on at the time.

What was the inspiration behind your new single?

It’s just a song that we wrote because we thought of something cool, just like the rest of our music.

Who in the band has the most creative input in song writing?

I’d say it’s split sort of 20% each really. We’ll get in a studio and someone will come up with the original idea and we’ll come up with an arrangement and then new lines and stuff. It’s a weird way of writing music, I can imagine that not many people write music the way we do.

What can we expect from your new album?

I don’t want to sound cliché, everyone says their new album is a bit more grown up than the last and bigger and better but, we have grown up and we’ve also been working with Neal Avron who has done tracks with people like Fall Out Boy and Linkin Park. He knows how to make something sound good and some of our new tracks do sound pretty amazing.

Most of your songs have messages about relationships and overcoming people and obstacles, is that where you find the most ideas to write?

Yeah, we just write our lyrics based on experiences. I mean, it would be fun to write about something like walking down the street and going to Nando’s but it just doesn’t

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sound as good as something like a personal or emotional experience.

Still, worth a shot! What direction do you think the band is going in now, soundwise?

We’re going a lot more straight up rock as opposed to any label of emo or pop-punk.

There are some songs that sound a bit like The Temper Trap and some songs that sound like Gaslight Anthem or Bruce Springsteen and there’s obviously the classic YMA6 sound. We’ve just mixed it up and made it sound a lot more interesting.

YMA6 have been having great success for a number of years now, do you ever still have moments where you’re like wow this is amazing?

Yeah we still love it. We did Wembley last year and we had to pinch ourselves before we went on. We couldn’t believe how lucky we were.

Are you excited about featuring on Fifa?

We were very excited to be on Fifa. We’ve always spoke about how exciting that would be, especially Josh and Max who are massive Fifa fans so when they found out they were pretty stoked.

Finally, what’s one thing no knows about YMA6?

There’s nothing that no one knows about YMA6! Everyone knows everything about us, it’s depressing.

You Me At Six’s new single ‘Lived A Lie’ is out now.

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Photographs this page: Tom Welsh

FAKE MOVEMBER By the time this edition goes out the UK will be in the midst of Movember, the month when the macho-men of Great Britain grow out their facial hair to raise money for men’s health. Unfortunately for much of the female gender (plus a few males at Wireless HQ), a healthy handlebar nose-tickler is beyond their genetic means. To help out we’ve decided to publish some handy cut-out moustaches which you can go ahead and paste to your face. Nobody will know the difference!

l a r i m d The A

The Twit cher

The Restraining Order

lds o n y e R t The Bur or t a t c i D The Don't forget to make a donation at uk.movember.com the money goes toward some great causes.

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25TH DECEMBER: CHRISTMAS DAY BBC1

WEDNESDAY

BBC1 Celebrating the 34th year since Only Fools and Horses 16th season of repeats, we showcase the cream of the episodes and uncover some hidden treasures from the unwanted episodes archives.

CHANNEL 4 For the recently born, or the forgetful, Channel 4 is presenting the full uncut version of the harrowing WW2 drama “The Sound Of Music”. Gasp at the digitally remastered moppets singing as they defect with the help.

5.00

Only Fools and Horses Del convinces Rodney to help him open a knocking shop above the Nag’s Head using imported chinese sex workers, but the whole operation is plunged into doubt when Trigger spills the beans to DCI Roy Slater, who comes looking for his cut of the profits. Starring David Jason. (R)

10.30

Only Fools and Horses When Del kills a pedestrian in his uninsured, untaxed three wheel van, he must find some fake documentation fast, fortunately Rodney has just started dating a girl working for the DVLA. Starring David Jason. (R)

11.00

Only Fools and Horses In order to save Rodney’s marriage Del pretends a dead prostitute, that Rodney accidentally killed, is in fact his “drunk” date for the night. Starring David Jason. (R)

noon

Eastenders An electrical failure in the square leads the residents to band together and build an alcohol fuelled generator to power the TV to watch Only Fools And Horses.

13.30

Queen’s Speech The Queen makes a speech. (sidebar)(R)

16.00

Only Fools and Horses (Part 1 of 2) Uncle Albert’s unhealthy obsession with a young girl in Nelson Mandela House comes to an sticky end as it is revealed to be part of a sting operation

by The Child Protection Agency.

Starring Buster Merryfield. (R)

17.00

21.00 BBC1 Find out the Queen’s opinions about our lives as the moribund monarch addresses poverty, crime and social crisis from the West side of her second favourite castle’s treasury.

Available with real audio and without subtitles for anyone under the age of 78 who has to sit through it.

Stuff your bellies, water your face and collapse in front of the usual Christmas nonsense.

by Chris Ranken

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23.30

Only Fools and Horses (Part 2 of 2) Del must decide whether to use the money for Raquel’s birthday party to buy his uncle’s freedom or to push him from the balcony of the flat. Starring Buster Merryfield. (R) Only Fools and Horses Rodney breaks down and confesses to Del Boy that his childhood times spent alone with Granddad were not as innocent as Del had been lead to believe. Starring David Jason. (R) Only Fools and Horses Del and Rodney have 24 hours to shift two tonnes of Columbian White on the streets of Peckham or face the consequences set out by the the Driscoll brothers.

Starring David Jason. (R)

1.30

Nightzone Nick Grimshaw introduces us to people he knows on Facebook but has never met.

4.00 4.30 5.00

Massive Pipes (R) Antique Animal Homes Medium Pipes (R)

BBC2 5.00 Shepherd Watch (R) 6.00 Transformers World Sport 10.30 Beach Hunt Celebrities dress up as Christmas characters.

11.00 Derelict Yuletide Noel Edmonds hands out socialist pamphlets to the homeless Noon JLS v 1D Robot wars special 12.30 Hitler’s Christmas Inevitable Christmas version of the same documentary you have been watching on Channel 5 all year.

CG snow and Santa hats have been added to the stock footage.

13.30 How Big Do They Get? 14.00 Bitter Women Spinsters discuss men and careers.

14.30 Neighbours Davros orders the sterilisation of Brisbane 16.00 Jimmy Christmas Heartwarming family comedy about a boy who doesn’t know what a present is. Then he gets given one or something and probably cries - I don’t know.

18.30 Steel Cross Token religious element to this public holiday as youth theatre recreates the crucifixion.

20.00 Broken Wispas People who lost in a sweet shop when they FILM got were little travel to a wilderness retreat to re-live the bad traumas.

Russell Howard stars. (R) 21.00 BBC Awards Awards Carlos Tevez introduces highlights from the red carpet event of the year. Top BBC entertainers and producers congratulate each other on their own insipid work.

Lines were never open to vote, but you can still pay for the entire evening through TV licensing.

22.00 Where Do You Think You Are? 7 teams of 5 wake up in various cities across the UK. Drugged and shaved, they must figure out where they are before interviewing for the role of town mayor.

23.30 Emotional Love Matt Damon Robin Williams star as an FILM and estranged father and son reunited when Damon brings a wounded field mouse to Wiliams’ mouse hospital.

An emotional reunion leads to crying in each others arms and talking about repressed cat memories. (R) 1.00 1.30

Hulk Hogan: The Koran Inspirational teachings MTV Cribs as it’s Christmas BBC2 has purchased an old episode from sky. Take a walk aound Jessie J’s mirrored ego room.

2.00- Learning Vortex 5.00 Small hours - Big sums

25TH DECEMBER: CHRISTMAS DAY 5.00 6.00 7.00 10.30

Soya Wrestling (R)(S) Captain Hernandez (R)(anim) Jeremy Kyle A problem shared is more people with a problem. (R) Shove Ha’penny Action from the Dusseldorf arena as over 90,000 spectators witness the final heats.

11.00

America’s Funniest Animals Endless loop of animal based head trauma with boingy sound effects.

noon

Titchmarsh Christmas Alan Titchmarsh opens his home to newly released offenders for a shot of calpol and a natter about their favourite sweaters.

Featuring a musical performance

by The Lighthouse Family. (S)

12.30

FILM

14.30

16.00

FILM

18.30

19.30

FILM

Ballistic Incubation The Queen’s hitman James Bond, returns to save the world from equality. Christopher Biggins stars as Incubus Kinkade, a ruthless criminal mastermind contestant. (R) Ant & Dec’s Christmas Baubles Of Wonderment The Conjoined chimps of light entertainment grin their way through 2 hours of work for £24,000.Guests include Michael Ball, Little Mix, Michael Ball again and Neil Kinnock.

CHANNEL 4 5.00 6.00

Milkman Dairies Rascals Craig Charles evades the authorities for 36 hours.

4Thought Religion/Sexuality (delete as appropriate) Fumble Pump Children’s Magazine show (R/S) Peruvian Christmas Refelections of alternative Christmas celebrations depicted in slate etched animation.

5.00 6.00

12.30

T4: Fa$h-un Improbably dressed presenters stare at each others blank mugs, deciding who should read the next link to drivel

12.30

13.30

The Sound Of Music (See sidebar)(R/S)

Big Brother A lack of working chimney means no presents for the “celebrity” prisoners. Watch the dawning realisation crush their spirits.

14.00

16.00

Countdown Christmas edition of everyones favourite quiz show.

Guest hosted by Ian Wright. (R)

Alternative Queen’s Speech Peter Andre delivers joyful tidings whilst avoiding some bananas in his periphery vision.

14.30

Chrimbles! Gameshow hosted by Nick Knowles. Regular housewives win a home makeover by withstanding the advances of the wrinkled lothario.

Christian Sharks How does the season of giving affect seabased christian predators more accustomed to taking.

Hosted by Charlton Heston.

16.00

Fire Under Courage Premiere of the acclaimed Steven Seagal film that has been available in all good petrol stations for 12 years. FBI Marshall Flake Jetson (Seagal) must collect acorns in his pouchy face to feed his starving forest friends.

18.30

Not Without My Cutlass Fly on the wall documentary about cleaning the swan rides at Alton Towers. (R)

20.00

Channel 5 News Brightly coloured sets and funky barstools soften today’s bad news.

21.00

Sharkboy True life story of a boy surgically fitted with a dorsel fin after an inner ear problem left him unable to remain upright.

22.00

Panaflex Clergy Zooms Continuous crash zoom shots of historical priests and men of the cloth set to the music of Enya.

23.30

CIS: Lapland Nick and his team of science elves investigate a 3 way death pact over by the wooden soldiers packing area.

12.30

Embarrassing Bodies John McCririck is hung naked from parliament for public inspection.

1.00

Hello Hello Comedy set in a british cafe during WW2 Home & Away Carly shouts at a pig.

Big Brother Sleeps Continuing live feed of what looks like the security camera in a morgue.

10.30 11.00 noon

FILM

17.00

18.00

Coincidence On 34th Street A young girl is convinced she has met the real Father Christmas. But she hadn’t, she was being naive. (R)

The Night The Rain Snowed Unseasonaly downbeat drama concerning a family of miners snowbound in the last WImpy restaurant in Britain.

(Dir. Gus Van Sant)

20.00

Downton Abbey Lady Mary receives a new discipline stick for Christmas. Downstairs, Carson is re-wiring his jaw after accidently brushing Lady Mary’s sleeve.

Sexy Bongo Various people you recognise but don’t like, talk frankly about sex in an attempt to mask the sensationalist pornography being projected around the studio. (R)

21.00

The Best Of Chris Moyles Highlights of the presenter’s 20 year career.

21.04

Celebrity Jam Orphaned children sell homemade jam to raise money to send their heroes to rehab. (R)

23.30

Channel 4 Reunion Bob Geldof hosts a sleepover for shortbread effigies of past Channel 4 presenters.

Shrek 2 Yes, again! Just shut up and watch it. It will only be another 5 years until we buy the third one. (R)(S)

FILM

21.00

Coronation Street The residents organise a silent disco at the Rovers. But who has put nerve toxin into the air-con? (S)

22.00

Piers Morgan’s Life Stories Simpering word fountain, Piers Morgan, prys open the mind of whoever was on Room 101 last week. (S)

1.00

Artificial Whims Remake of the boy who cried wolf story set in contemporary Harlem. Tyler Perry stars as the vagrant genie who is mauled by wolves. (R)(18)

23.30

ITV News And Weather Are your regional presenters as strange as ours?

2.00

1.00

Irreversible Puppet Theatre You can’t un-watch it! (R)

Accountancy Festival Seasonal borders around still images of tax reclamation forms from previous accountancy festivals. (R)

3.30

2.00

Fat Outer Shell Coverage of the 1997 Meatloaf concert in Hamburg Nightscreen All the mucky stuff we couldn’t show earlier.

Ben 10 Commandments Modernisation of the classical biblical story featuring less beards but way more dinosaurs and cars and lasers.

4.00

CHANNEL 5

FILM

5.45

Glasnost (R/S)

10.30

11.00

FILM

1.30 2.005.00

WEDNESDAY

ITV

Christmas At War Sharky & George Possibly the finest animation ever produced (R) Hitler’s Christmas Original documentary about the fuhrer’s festivities. CG snow and Santa hats have been removed from the stock footage. (R) Sharks? Continuing the Christmas Shark season that has been running since June. (R)

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Sort yer head out with our

AGONY UNCLE

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Hi Riuven, I’m a 31 year old male who has been struggling to meet someone special for the last 2 years. Socially, I’m not the best and I can come across a little brash and obnoxious.

Do you have any advice for me on how to meet hos? - Alan.

Alright Alan, sounds to me like you need sort yaself out, i can relate to u a bit cause I’m like that wiv birds underneath...they’re annoying little twats arent they?

Best way to score some ho action is to tell em wot they wanna hear, answer everything they say with a question about what they’ve said, but make sure it sounds like ur interested in what they’ve said, even tho it’ll probably be some bollocks about their ex being a bell end. Then prepare for some slinge action.

Dear Riuven, I’ve just moved away from my hometown to go to university.

Me and my boyfriend have decided to continue our relationship long distance. Do you think it’s a good idea? - Jennifer.

Alright Jennifer. Long distant relationships are a hard one for girls, but a beast for lads cause they can shag around an you won’t find out abar it. But hopefully that won’t happen to u. If ur gonna do it tho, may i suggest plenty of naked webcam chattin with ya fella and even the odd bit of fingerin should keep him from strayin off.

Dear Riuven, My flatmate is a prick and never flushes the toilet. What’s the best way of getting my own back? - Dan. Dan if you give me your flat mates details i will happily go and twat him everywhere for you, until he learns to flush his turds.

Dear Riuven, I think I’m in love with my cousin. Is that normal? - Sophia.

Alright Sophia, fancyin your blood relatives is fine, one of my second cousins is well fit. Just think about what your kids wud look like tho. If you’ve seen the movie “The Goonies” just picture the character “Sloth’ next time you get a tingle in ya minge area.

Dear Riuven, I keep stealing from my office, it was fun at first but I feel guilty now - should I confess, stop or just carry on? - Chris.

Alright Chris lad, Sounds to me like the best way to kill a boring day at work is either taxin stuff or chattin up the secretary, if she’s fit.. I don’t know why you feel guilty tho. See if ya can get hold of any laptops and I’ll sort ya an ounce of cheese for em.

EMAIL YOUR PROBLEMS TO: Riuven@wireless-online.co.uk or twitter @wirelessuk 19

GET THE LOOK : OUTERWEAR Words: AMY PAY

This winter, designers have given coats some well-deserved attention. British weather forces us to ditch our floaty materials and single layers; seeing as we’re gonna be wrapped up for the coming couple of months, we may as well mummify ourselves in something warm, flattering and fashionable. Here is a summary of this season’s styles, each with high street versions of clothes seen in the A/W 13 catwalk collections.

BIKER JACKETS BIKER JACKET [H&M, £39.99] www.hm.com

CAMEO ROSE BLACK QUILTED LEATHER-LOOK JACKET [NEW LOOK, £39.99] www.newlook.com

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The ever-faithful biker jacket returns for another winter. This year’s styles are characterised by muted dark colour, quilting, side buckles and off-centre zips. For a girlier take, wear over a tea dress or try a fur-lined tan aviator version.

OVERSIZED TAILORING

We’ve seen the boyfriend trend appear in various guises over the past five years. Fortunately, designers have employed some clever tricks to stop mannish coats from being anything but sexy. Waists are nipped in using darts, pleats and understated belts while the shoulders are more gently rounded than boxy.

TEXTURED COCOON COAT [MATALAN - £40.00] www.matalan.co.uk

PARKAS

Liam Gallagher may have been the posterboy for this coat back in the Brit Pop era, but don’t let that taint your opinion of them. Practical, comfy, warm and effortlessly cute, parkas tick the transitional boxes, so the chances of getting value for money are high. Fur-lined hoods, bold prints and strategically placed cinchingin toggles add a 2013 stamp to the ageless cut.

GABBY CHECKED WOOL LOOK PARKA [BOOHOO - £45.00] www.boohoo.com

KHAKI GREEN PARKA COAT

WINTER

[INTERNACIONALE - £49.99] www.internacionale.com

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FAUX FUR

Fashion should be fun. These fur coats will bring you plenty of style points, confidence kudos and cheeky winks. Super snuggly, but best for dryer days, this season’s edit has longer fur and cuts lower on the body.

MOLLIE ALL OVER FAUX FUR JACKET

[BOOHOO - £50.00] www.boohoo.com

TIMELESS TWISTS

ANORAK WITH TARTAN LINING

Two trends this season credit oftenoverlooked variations made to basic coats. Checked lining livens up the plainest of outerwear. Be it in grungy reds or heritage blues, this year the pattern peeks out of the inside of hoods, sleeves and collars. Also brought to the foreground are long line cuts and broad collars. Sweeping cowl necklines and curved wide lapels shape heavier coats, adding instant femininity to smarter designs.

[POP BOUTIQUE AT ASOS - £38.00] www.asos.com

TOKYO COWL COAT [OASIS - £98.00] www.oasis-stores.com

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Method: Pork Belly Pre heat the oven to 180c Rub the pork belly skin with 1tbs salt, place on a baking tray skin side up & roast for 2 half hours - 3hrs once cooked remove from tray onto plate (strain the fat into a jug for the potatoes & keep the tray for the Gravy) loosely cover and allow to rest for up to 1 hr.

Feed 4 people for less than $4 per head with

Andy Bates’...

Meaty Christmas dinner Ingredients:

Pork belly 1K = £3.50 Roasting spuds 1K = 69p Brussel sprouts 500g = £1 Cauliflour cheese: Butter 250g =£1 Flour 500g = 40p Milk 1l = £1 Cheddar 200g = £1.50 1 egg yolk = 20p 24

Yorkshire Pudding: Flour 500g = 40p 2 eggs = 40p 1 egg white = 20p Milk 1l = £1 Salt 65g = 42p Gravy: Red onions 1K = 90p Thyme 10g = 23p or sage 10g = 23p Chicken stock cubes 100g = 65p 500 ml water = 0p Flour 500g = 40p Apple Sauce: Bramble Apples X 2 = £1 Total = £14.89

Yorkshire pudding Sift flour & salt into a bowl, in separate bowl beat the eggs, egg white & add milk.

Whisk in milk & eggs to the flour until smooth making sure there are no lumps.

Cover and put to one side until needed.

When ready to use, take a muffin tray x6 rings with tbs of vegetable oil in each ring, heat in a hot oven 200c until smoking, smoking hot and carefully fill each ring with the Yorkshire pudding mix. As quickly as possible, put back into the oven and bake for 30-35 mins until giant and golden brown. (Do not open the oven for at least 25mins of cooking otherwise batter WILL NOT RISE)

Cauliflower cheese Cut the cauliflower head into florets and boil in slightly salted water until just cooked, refresh in cold water to stop cooking.

In a saucepan gently heat the milk, in another saucepan gently heat the butter until melted, add the flour & cook out until sandy in colour to make a roux.

With a ladle add the milk to the roux stirring continuously 1 ladle at a time until all the milk is used. Bring the boil and gently simmer for 5mins stirring occasionally.

Take off the heat, add the cheese & egg yolk (left over from the Yorky mix) season with salt & pepper and stir.

Strain the Cauliflower well, place in baking dish and pour over cheese sauce.

Bake for 20mins 180c to reheat or heat in microwave then place under a hot grill to brown the top.

Roast Potatoes Peel and cut into your potatoes, place into a saucepan of water, bring to the boil for 5 mins, strain & shake to fluff up the sides.

(Coat the potatoes with a handful of flour before baking for extra crispness) In a baking tray add the reserved pork fat & extra veg oil if needed & heat on the stove until just starting to smoke (very hot) and carefully add the potatoes to the pan making sure it’s not too overcrowded (otherwise the potatoes will steam & not fry) and fry for 5-7 mins stirring occasionally.

Place into a pre heated oven 200c and bake for 45mins-1hr shaking once or twice along the way.

Gravy In the tray you roasted the Pork belly in, place on the stove on a medium heat, add a knob of butter, the onions and pull the thyme/sage leaves from the stem and add to the onions. Cook for 15-20mins allowing the onions to soften, add tbs of flour & crumble in the stock cube, stir through, then slowly add the water continually stirring to get rid of lumps from the flour and all the lovely sticky cooking juices stuck to the bottom of the pan. Season with salt & pepper, bring to the boil and simmer for 10mins until thickened (add touch more water if too thick) Brussel Sprouts Cut off any dirty outer leaves, boil for 5 mins in Salted water, strain, toss in a knob of butter & season well with salt & pepper.

Apple Sauce Cut two bramley apples into chunks, put in a saucepan, add knob of butter, tbs of water, handful of sugar and cook until stewed

Veggie stack at Christmas

Method: Preheat oven 180C Cut a disc out and slice into 2cm thick pieces Peel the sweet potato and do the same, ensuring that you have pieces of the same thickness.

Sweat the mushrooms, shallots and garlic in a pan until softened.

Add the chopped walnuts and tarragon and stir.

Add the Parmesan and gruyere cheeses to the béchamel sauce and stir until melted.

Assemble the stack within the disc cutter on a baking tray: place a disc of polenta at the base, followed by a disc of sweet potato, add a layer of the mushroom stuffing mix. Press down firmly.

Place another disc of sweet potato above the mushroom mix, and top with another disc of polenta.

Lay around 2 tablespoons of the béchamel sauce on the top of the polenta, and crumble over the blue cheese to finish.

Bake for 40-45 minutes.

To serve, place on a bed of wilted spinach and drizzle over any remaining béchamel sauce

Ingredients:

Pre-cooked polenta 110g =52p Sweet potato - 1kg = £1.28 Button mushrooms 150g = 78p Shallots 450g = £1.37 Garlic = 30p each Walnuts 35g = 50p Fresh tarragon = 10g = 23p Bechamel sauce = 350g = £1 Grated cheddar = 250g = £2 Gorgonzola 250g = £2.15 Stilton 220g = £2.15 Spinach 160g = £1 Salt 65g = 42p Pepper 33g £2.20 Total = £13.75 25

Words by Gazz Wood

Release Date: November 22nd Price: £430 Controller: Xbox One Controller (improved rumble features), Kinnect 2.0 Graphics: Custom integrated AMD Radeon GPU Storage: 500GB RAM: 8GB DDR3 CPU: AMD 8 core APU Optic Drive: Blu-ray, DVD Camera: Kinect 2.0 Video Output: HDMI 1080p Inputs: HDMI, USB 3 Audio Output: HDMI, S/PDIF optical

V

Christmas is coming, the goose has got 100% on GTA V and can’t log in to multiplayer online.

He needs something else to do and he hasn’t got long before someone kills and eats him. Luckily for the goose in this strained metaphor, the XBOX One and PS4 are both released pre-Christmas so he can while away his final hours playing Titanfall. Or Infamous: Second Son, depending on the console he gets.

First things first. I am currently an XBOX gamer. I always thought the PS3 looked more like it could grill chicken than produce excellent gaming experience and the trophies do nothing for me. My 360 has never ‘red-ringed,’ never broken down or frozen or forced me to wrap it in towels or anything. It’s been very good to me, so you’d think that when the time to pre-order rolled around I’d be clicking enthusiastically on the XBOX One button.

Not so. The numerous missteps and undesirable features that Microsoft tried to make us like have put me right off. First there was the ‘alwayson’ DRM fiasco, in which Microsoft insisted you’d have to be constantly connected to the internet in order to make the XBOX One work at all. Then they said you’d have to have a Kinect stuck to the top of your console and if you tried to block its all-seeing electronic eye then the XBOX One would simply refuse to operate until you let it watch your every move.

All of these things, and several more, earned Microsoft’s 4th Gen offering the derisive nickname ‘the XBONE’ and had previous XBOX devotees abandoning ship post-haste.

Not that the PS4 is all cheesecake and blow jobs.

SHARE button, allowing you to post all manner of inconsequential gaming balls online. On top of that there’s the usual Playstation issue of there not actually being any games at all. The PS3 has like... 8 games max.

There’s that stupid

So which should you buy?

If you live by the acronym C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around Me) and honestly why wouldn’t you? Then the choice is clear. XBOX One is coming out at £429 and PS4 is a hundred sheets less. (cont.)

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V

However perhaps you’re some sort of Richie Rich money-bags type, living in a converted warehouse space in Kensington. Perhaps money is no object to you, because your parents can always just earn more. If this is you, then first of all you’re a bell-end, but second of all and less insultingly the price of the machine makes no difference. Maybe it’s the launch titles that are whetting your whistle.

A lot of the big games are coming out on both platforms, so you can enjoy Watch Dogs or Assassin’s Creed Black Flag or Madden NFL 25 regardless of who gets your money. In terms of exclusive titles though, XBOX One has the edge.

Besides inevitable sequels to blockbuster franchises (Halo 5, Dead Rising 3 etc...) the XBOX exclusive games include: Ryse, a 1st Person fighting game from the makers of the excellent Far Cry 3; Quantum Break, an action shooter in which you control time and Killer Instinct, an update of the mad 16-bit fighting game from the 90’s.

Release Date: November 29th Price: £350 Controller: DualShock 4 (Touch sensitive pad on front) Graphics: Integrated AMD Radeon GPU Storage: 500GB RAM: 8GB GDDR5 CPU: Semi-Custom 8-core AMD x86-64 CPU Optic Drive: Blu-ray, DVD Camera: Playstation 4 Camera (not included at launch) Video Output: HDMI 1080p Inputs: USB 3 Audio Output: HDMI, S/PDIF optical

All PS4 has is a racing game (Driveclub), an indie game about an octopus (Octodad) and that Crash Bandicoot looking adventure game Knack. Obviously they’ll announce a few more PS4 exclusive games before release, but right now Microsoft is pissing all over the floor of GAME and marking their territory.

If online gaming is what cranks your cheese-wheel, then the PS4 has got XBOX One beat. And beat very badly. Microsoft still somehow have the bloody cheek to charge for the ability to go online. XBOX Live Gold is a thing, and they want your money for it even though they’ve already had £100 more of it than Playstation are asking for.

In many other ways the two are pretty evenly stacked. They both use BluRay, so will have players built in. They both use some sort of motion control if that’s your weird fetish, and they’ll both have bleeding edge graphics and all that other noise. It’s not like the PS4 is an iPhone 6 and the XBOX One is a Ribena carton with numbers written on it. Technically they’re fairly similar.

Taking into account; the price, the games, the lack of being watched by an immortal electric Sauron, then the PS4 comes out on top as a pure gaming console.

Also the PS4 is much smaller and looks less like it might fire circular saws at you if you try to play a pirated copy of Destiny.

27

The rise and rise of Words: Rebecca Jackson

t was three years ago: Gordon Brown was still Prime Minister, Miley Cyrus was still an innocent Disney star and I was a freshfaced undergraduate sent to meet an unknown rapper from South London called Tinie Tempah. He was doing the rounds of student unions and the back rooms of academies and had garnered interest through his mix tapes 28

and his loyal online following, but no-one I asked wanted to come with me to meet him.

I sat at the side of the stage at the O2 Academy in Liverpool feeling as though I was witnessing something special as Tinie played ‘Invincible’ to an adoring crowd. Pass Out exploded onto the scene; catapulting the polite, ambitious young rapper with a fondness for philosophy, onto the global music scene.

Pretty soon Tinie’s face was everywhere, from hosting his own MTV show to appearing on the side of Lucozade bottles.

Now, three years on, as I sit down with the PR girl’s voice ringing in my ear (‘just 15 minutes I’m afraid’), I think he might have changed. But Tinie is still the polite, determined guy I had the pleasure to meet all that time ago, and his plans for world domination aren’t quite over yet.

“...suddenly I found myself at Madison Square Garden in New York at this sellout concert” “Things have changed a lot since ‘Pass Out’ came out. I definitely feel like I am a lot deeper into my career and as though it makes more sense now,” he says.

Not that it didn’t make that much sense before. His first album, ‘Disc-overy’, went double platinum and smash hits ‘Pass Out’ and ‘Frisky’ confirmed him as a global star.

After ‘Written in the Stars’ sold over 115,000 copies, he followed with duets with Ellie Goulding, Swedish House Mafia and Kelly Rowland.

He sounds slightly incredulous as he talks about the way his life has changed: “I’ve been able to develop as an artist

and become more collected in my thoughts, I’ve been able to perform in so many cool places.

And obviously my financial circumstances have changed a lot.”

completely different, with a completely different sound, and suddenly I found myself at Madison Square Garden in New York at this sell-out concert.”

When we first met, Tinie did a lot of stuff with youth charities, with a particular interest in working with gangs and anti-racism organisations. “I’m still absolutely into charity work, but I’ve moved onto other things now. We do a lot of work with Teenage Cancer Trust and Keep A Child Alive, in particular.”

Tinie’s six months older than me and yet he’s done things I couldn’t imagine. He’s toured the world playing festivals, he sits on the British Fashion Council advising on men’s fashion, has his own clothing range in partnership with his label, Disturbing London, and is about to embark on a UK arena tour.

But even for Tinie, nothing gets bigger than performing at the Olympics. “Everything was so grand, I was out there performing to billions of people. The ceremonies brought out the best in the history of British music, we had everyone from George Michael to The Who to the Spice Girls; everyone that was British and had done something amazing.”

“My main issue at the moment is the lack of mentors in schools and education; there are lots of people who have a lack of direction and end up leaving college or university not knowing what to do. We’re thinking about setting up our own charity to help to work on that.”

And he’s not short on people who want to work with him on projects; he performed on stage with Snoop Dogg at Glastonbury, toured with Rihanna and Usher and had a host of familiar faces queuing up to record on his latest album. But for Tinie the biggest collaboration was with Dizzee Rascal. “I’ve been listening to him since I was 12 years old and I’m 24 now. It was a phenomenal moment, you’ve been listening to someone for ten years and then you’re in a position to work with them.

He’s still how I listened to him when I was young, still very raw.

“In terms of general experiences, working with Swedish House Mafia was like something I’d never seen before and I was doing something

“I was out there performing to billions of people” “There was so much preparation involved for performing in the closing ceremony but in all my travels since, people have come up to me and know who I am. There’s a whole new wave of people who know about me now.”

His new album, Demonstration, is out now and features duets with Emeli Sandé, Paloma Faith, Dizzee Rascal and old favourite Labrinth.

29

“I’ve been working on it for two years trying to get it right.

For me it’s really exciting, I’m a lot more involved in everything. I tried to be more introspective and let people into my life, to provide a form of escapism for people.

‘It’s Ok’ and ‘Lost One’ with Paloma Faith are both breakup records which I wouldn’t have spoken about in my first album,” he says.

I take a listen and some of it’s truly heartbreaking and will probably resonate with everyone who’s gone through a recent break-up: ‘Why don’t you cry now, ‘cos then I know you still feel something for me. But I truly know it’s over when I hear you say ‘it’s ok’; How the hell could you say in the middle of the night that we should call it a day?’ Tinie, you’re killing me!

Sun, is already all over the Radio 1 playlist and with his arena tour starting next month, things can only get bigger for Tinie. I say goodbye to the lovely Mr T in the hope that I’ll see him in another three years. And with how much he’s achieved in such a short space of time, who knows where he could be by then.

“With people knowing who I am now, I feel obliged to be more open,” “I put a band together and I’ve got myself a drummer and a guitarist who will tour with me as well.”

“With people knowing who I am now, I feel obliged to be more open,” he explains. “This album is more a body of work than the last one and is a lot more musical. It includes every popular genre and has more live music; I put a band together and I’ve got myself a drummer and a guitarist who will tour with me as well.”

Playing through the album, there’s as many potential hits on there as Demonstration. His new single, Children of the 30

You can catch Tinie on his arena tour beginning 2nd December in Aberdeen. His new album ‘Demonstration’ is out on 4 November [/NOW].

‘S

Words: Joseph Smith

Pics: Mick Prince

There comes a time in the life of every student when he or she realises that a human being can’t subsist on cider and pot noodles alone. A few of you will luck out and share a dorm with an Italian culinary protégé, but the rest of you are going to have to learn how to cook eventually.

Helping in the fight against university malnutrition is Student Grub. The company provides handy recipe boxes containing 5/6 portions of healthy, vegetarian ingredients which will keep you from starving to death for less than the price of a large pizza. We thought that this was such a brilliant idea that we organized a piss-up at Liverpool’s Grand Central student accommodation under the guise of a student cooking competition. The rules were simple: whoever produced the best chilli dish from

32

With

ingredients contained in one of Student Grub’s recipe boxes won a month’s worth of food, and not to mention the much-coveted status of being Wireless Magazine’s first ultimate cookery supreme emperor champion.

Our first contender, Nick, opted for a kind of potato rosti dish which sounds complicated but smelt pretty good. In the other corner was Lauren who was keeping things nice and simple with some chilli wraps.

While everything sizzled away the gathered crowd indulged in some delicious carrot cake and swampy trip-hop beats courtesy of our questionable sound-system. Unfortunately the mic lead we had wasn’t quite long enough for our MC to reach over to the tables where the cooking was going on, but he made some impressive

quips about what he could see from a distance, and I guess that’s what counts.

As competitions are wont to do, it came down to the wire. The scores were calculated using a complicated system of binbag voting and a judging panel which included April Green, the woman behind Student Grub, and our own dear editor. In the end an equal amount of pissed students had thrown their Styrofoam dishes into each competitor’s bin-bag (or something like that). The judges were indecisive (or confused). In the end there was only one thing for it – it was a draw. Both students would win a month’s worth of free food and everyone could go home safe in the knowledge that they’d skived some free beer and vegetarian food.

Result!

MOVIE INTERVIEW

Words: Sophie Smallshaw & Joseph Smith

It’s not always so easy to forget your past; a fact that isn’t likely to bother anyone with a stellar acting career like, say, Michelle Pfeiffer or Bobby Frickin’ De Niro, but as for their characters in the new Luc Besson-directed movie The Family, things aren’t so clear cut. The pair, alongside Glee star Dianna Agron, plays the Manzoni family, a clan of Mafiosos who are forced to relocate to a small village in France as part of a witness protection programme. Needless to say, things don’t go so well. We caught up with all three stars 34

for a chat about the movie and what they did to prepare for their roles as mobsters: Michelle Pfeiffer: “We had the book as a reference which was really viable. For me really, I focused on family and utilising it more. Ultimately Maggie’s role in the film is to protect her family at any cost.”

Robert De Niro: “I spoke to people to try and find a believable reason why [my character] would be in France but we didn’t quite find it [laughs]. Other people I spoke too had some experience with

Henry Hill (infamous NYC mobster) and during Goodfellas I’d talk to him a bit. Every time I had a question I’d get word to him that I needed to talk to him and he would call me on set. Also, this story, as Michelle says, it is what it is. It’s kind of not about accuracy in the witness protection programme. The fine details would be interesting, yes, but I think there are a lot of details in there that were good as they were.”

Dianna Agron: “Yeah, it is a dark comedy and it is something that Luc Besson does very well

Like what Bob and Michelle have said, it was on the page, and I think because it’s a little bit more fun instead of a serious in depth study it gave us a lot of room to play [with the characters].”

And how did the cast adapt to living in rural Normandy?

Dianna: “I went to a livestock fair with Tommy Lee Jones, which is one of the most comical things that has ever happened to me in my life.

One because they don’t know who Tommy Lee Jones is in Normandy so Tommy is having the time of his life...”

Michelle: “He’s a cowboy!”

Dianna: “Yeah, he’s a cowboy.

So he is in his element.

Normandy is very untouched so you feel as if you’re in the 80s. People are walking around town as we’re filming slowly peeking their heads out of the windows and staring at you like you’re an alien.”

Unlike Tommy Lee Jones, the Manzoni family don’t quite blend into to their surroundings in lazy rural France; you don’t have to watch far into the trailer to see them blowing up the local supermarket and beating villagers about the head with a variety of sporting equipment.

Evidently the characters’ short tempers don’t fit well with a laid-back lifestyle, but what gets the cast riled up in real life?

Michelle: “Rudeness in supermarkets actually gets to me. That one does get to me, I have to say. I will speak up if I see somebody being rude, like to waiters. I don’t like that sort of thing. People who take cuts in line [also annoy me]. That doesn’t fly!”

35

Dianna: “Some guy cut his car right in front of me whilst I was leaving a parking structure. I was so mad by that.

I was really upset. Like, more upset than I thought I should be in that moment. [I was like] ‘Fine, you’re better than I am apparently, in your mind. Never mind get on with your day.’”

Robert: “I think in the movie, Luc has a good way of doing that. It’s personal and that’s why I think it is funny, in a sense. It juxtaposes this certain extremely violent scene, when [my character] puts a guy’s head on the grill. He personalizes it.”

Dianna Agron is best known to audiences as Quinn Fabray from the TV show Glee, and you’d be forgiven for thinking that working with Pfeiffer and De Niro at such an early stage in her career is a bit like being thrown in at the deep end: Dianna: “They’re just lovely people. I think the main thing is that everybody wants to do a good job. In order to make it believable, it involves actually speaking to each other not just in the scene that would be quite awkward [laughs]. Although I have 36

heard of incidences with people being asked not to talk to fellow actors, look them in the eye or not wear purple!”

the whole film carefully and then I went through the other [bonus] stuff which turned out to be really helpful for me.”

Now, the more observant movie fans among you will notice that this isn’t the first time that Robert has starred in a film dealing with the FBI’s witness protection programme. In fact, De Niro’s character actually watches Goodfellas in the movie, and the actor himself and the rest of the cast watched the film in preparation for The Family.

Robert: “Well I looked at the movie and the DVD. There were things on the DVD that I hadn’t been aware of so I went through

Michelle: “We did revisit Goodfellas and it was hilarious.

It’s an amazing film. We screened it [without Bob] when we were staying in Normandy.”

While in hiding Robert’s character, the notorious Giovanni Manzoni decides to pen his life story. Has Robert himself been approached about writing an autobiography?

Robert: “I have been but I haven’t really entertained it much. I understand why [some

actors choose to do so] but It takes time. Once Scorsese and I were thinking about doing a book together, and we might still, I don’t know.”

And what is it about gangster movies that he keeps bring Robert back to the genre, and why are movie fans so fascinated with the mafia?

Robert: “I’ll do a movie if it’s written well, it’s fun to do, and if the characters are interesting. Like I did with Luc Besson [in The Family] or Martin Scorsese, who I have another gangster film we’re going to do but it’s a very interesting one (2014’s The Irishman). I’m really looking forward to it. I guess

these films fascinate people because they’re against the establishment in some ways and some ways they’re not. There are people who can write and explain better than I can why people are fascinated by them.”

Cinema goers are unlikely to give up there mob fixation in a hurry, which can only be a good thing if Hollywood keeps turning out kick-ass black comedies with all-star casts like The Family. You can check it out for yourself when it’s released on 22nd November!

37

On The en Big Scre the best bits at the pictures this month Words by

Joseph Smith

If you’re being stuc worried about k to do over for something holidays, the Christmas count on tyou can at least quality fi here being some lms The previe at the cinema. lined up t ws we’ve got h George Clois issue include Bullock fl oney and Sandra orbit; Jen oating around in ni post-apo fer Lawrence’s triangle; calyptic love a Moretz e nd Chloe Grace using the xploding things po adolescentwer of her angry brain. Enj oy!

Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Carrie

Gravity is one of those movies were the mindblowing quality of the trailer alone is reason enough to get out to the cinema. Thankfully, it looks like the film is living up to its hype and over in the States it’s already being lauded as one of the most realistic space movies ever created. The plot sees Sandra Bullock, in a rare non-romcom role, playing an astronaut cast adrift into space following an accident.

The results are both tense and disorientating as she struggles to survive in an abyss.

Following on from 2012’s Hunger Games, the next instalment in the series of novel adaptations seems to be a decidedly less action-based romance story. After their victory in the 74th Hunger Games (a Battle Royale style fight to the death) Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) struggle to keep up the facade of their love on TV, all the while shady figures from the totalitarian government plot their demise.

The focus on the love triangle at the centre of the story is presumably an attempt to hook a few Twilight fans, but all the futuristic elements that made the first one so good are thankfully still there.

In a long overdue reimagining of the 1970s reimagining of a classic 1970s Stephen King horror novel, Chloe Grace Moretz stars as a shy teenager who gains the telekinetic powers to lay waste to her bullies. With a solid-gold story and the addition of modern special effects, this version of Carrie is a sure-fire bet to be lots of gory fun. You should check out the viral video the film’s publicity team put out of a real life prank were a disgruntled customer uses psychic powers to mess up a coffee shop.

IN CINEMAS 8th November 2013

IN CINEMAS 21st November 2013

IN CINEMAS 29th November 2013

Gravity

39

Gazz Wood

One year I didn’t ask for anything in particular, and as a result my rudderless family bought me a load of old Firebox tat from down the market. A remote control lunar-car, Simpsons dinner tray and a giant cracker with a sock in it.

Claus d was Santa

y da Emily Murray Mne year. Humiliation. ry o at my nurse

Fuck s!

C hris tma

! s u o i r u F

E T A B E D MASS

your s a w What s istma r h C worst hy? and w ster gave me and my si

dad Laura Barns My mom andselves last christmas... them framed photos of

WINNER Jamie Allison Last Christmas I got forced to watch Miranda. That was pretty grim.

Matt

Gammond One year al l I go t wa s lava lamp that a didn’t work and two pairs of socks - that we re both the same . Depression.

40

Andy Love

No

.1

The UK’s biggest student lifestyle publication is still growing and we’re going to need your precious scribbling to fill these hallowed pages.

Mon

th

Going to my friends grandparents last year. We were not allowed to drink as there were children about, we had to play games made for children and I got a pen marker as a Xmas gift. It also went throughout the day. I suppose the food was lovely!

STUDENTe UWRITERS! K’ s h WirelessTMagazine 201 needs you!

3 ly

s tthe best newafilms. g · Review u dyour m on e n ttake · Give us the gaming world. · Tell us about your favourite gigs and bands. · Put the world to rights on issues that affect you. · Or simply write something that will make us giggle.

Ernest P. Rambo

On e Ch ri st ma s wh en I wa s ab ou t 7 I ra n downstairs to find an empty li ving room; no presents, no de corations and no Christmas tr ee . It so on tr an sp ir ed th at it wa sn ’t Christmas at al l and I’d just dreamt that I went to slee p on Christmas Eve. In fact, it wasn’t even the Christmas holidays and I had to go to sc hool in my deva stated state.

Ethan Halliday

I was given Spider-man pyjamas by my aunt and uncle. I was 16.

As a rule of thumb, if it’s funny or weird we’ll print it, run it on the website or feature it in our weekly app edition.

The experience looks great on your CV and we pay for articles from longstanding regular contributors.

To become a Wireless contributor just head to our Journalists Group on Facebook at www.tinyurl.com/wirelessjournos

Wireless: Jamie we feel your pain!

To ease the trauma you’ve won the vague promise of a selection box to be delivered at some point in the new year.

Happy holidays everybody.

To keep up to date with what we’re up to go to www.wirelessmag.co.uk

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Words: Joseph Smith

Call Of Duty: Ghosts Preview

Dead Rising 3

Out: November 22nd, Xbox One One of Xbox One’s earliest releases is a safe-bet mass zombie murder game. As you’d expect, the graphics are pretty lush and the whole game has the gritty beauty of Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake.

Thankfully, the series hasn’t lost its penchant for wacky weapons and players can expect to mow through the undead with wrenches, buzz-saws, flamethrowers and anything else you can conceivably carry.

42

Out: November 5th - Xbox 360 , PS3

Killzone: Shadowfall Out: November 29th, PS4 We suspect that PS4 is keeping most of its exclusive releases close to its chest until 2014 but in the meantime we’ll have the return of a stone-cold classic shooter to play with. Although the series’ bad guys the Helghast (a futuristic Dutch Nazizombie hybrid) had their home-planet left in ruins in the last instalment, they are now fighting for their right to exist as refugees on planet Vekta.

At some point, presumably in the near future, the United States gets nuked leaving the country vulnerable to invasion from a conglomeration of nasty South American states, and the only thing stopping everybody from speaking Spanish is a small band of guerrilla fighters. Ok, so the single player campaign plot might be ripped straight from the terrible Patrick Swayze flick Red Dawn, but that’s not what you’re bothered about is it? The new CoD boasts a revamped multiplayer mode and the trailer seems to suggest levels set in space.

To bridge the gap between console generations the game’s website is offering a reasonably priced upgrade package so you can play the game at release and not have to buy a new copy later.

TITION...........WIRELESS COMPETITION...........WIRELESS COMPETITION...........WIRELESS COMPETITION...........WIRELESS C

WIN

TICKETS

Don’t be two thousand and late; legendary producer and Black Eyed Peas main man will.i.am is bringing his tour to British shores this December and the tickets are being snapped up fast.

Luckily, for those of you who can’t get their hands on any, we have two pairs of tickets to give away for both the show at Manchester Arena on 3rd December and Birmingham LG Arena on 4th December.

To win just answer this question (and don’t forget to text your full answer!):

What is the name of will.i.am’s latest solo album?

A) #willpower B) will.u.please?

C) Free will.e Text the word COMPS plus your answer to

07786 202 430 including your name and uni.

We’ll select the winner on 29/11/13, and let you know if you’ve won asap!

Texts are just charged at your standard rate - we don’t make any profits or anything...

Photo: Mike Jurkovac

WORDS: Marty McGovern Let’s face it, until recently ‘grunge’ was dead. What was once considered one of the most exciting and relevant periods of alternative music had become a stale imitation, buried by wailing wannabes like Nickelcrap and never-gonna-Alter-ourBridge. Fast forward to 2013 and ‘grunge’ is back! Not only back, but (shudder) it’s in fashion.

But while the style slaves are strolling the high street in their shredded dungarees this Winter, the real alternakids will be toasting the most unlikely renaissance modern rock has ever known.

Following the tragic passing of their long-suffering singer, Layne Staley in 2002, Seattle’s favourite sludge metal stalwarts Alice In Chains eventually selected William DuVall, a veteran of Atlanta’s hardcore punk scene, to reboot one of the most important and beloved bands of the 90s. The result? 2009’s critically revered release ‘Black Gives Way To Blue’, a jagged slab of metallic emotion that has injected a shot of much needed authenticity into an ailing scene.

New album ‘The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here’ debuted at number two in America this summer and they’ve been cutting up the festival circuit ever

since. Kicking off with the chart-topping thunder of first single ‘Hollow’, the new record immediately smacks of confidence and contentment.

“I think the main difference this time round was that we didn’t have quite as much of a climbing of that hill to proclaim the legitimacy of our legacy,” explains William on their creative process.

“There wasn’t as much internal work or static from the outside world and we were free to just think about the music.”

This relaxed approach certainly seems to have worked.

‘The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here’ has given the band its

“...it was the last time that rock really asserted a global dominance” 44

greatest chart success in eighteen years. DuVall is quick to pinpoint why there is still so much interest in established marquee acts, bands that headlined a musical movement put on life-support long before you could rip an album stream off a laptop.

about formulating your own sources and sort of coming to your own decisions. I was part of a DIY scene and I was taught that you don’t wait, you go out there and you do it yourself. When you’re exposed to those values at an early age it prepares you for so many hurdles in life and it really gives you a great work ethic. I mean, I was playing the same shows as Black Flag and The Minutemen and that experience really provides a good yardstick to measure all future people you meet against. The Seattle scene was made possible by the hardcore scene and that notion of having a real connection with your audience.”

“It’s the fans, first off, and because the Seattle scene exploded in such a way and, you know, it was the last time that rock really asserted a global dominance. Kind of like a last big hurrah, certainly for American rock music, and that scene was really just a group of supportive and talented musicians that looked out for each other and created their own community.”

This was a sense of community shared by the hardcore Punk environment William cut his teeth on, when the original Chains were MTV mainstays.

“I think that’s just a part and parcel of who I am. A scene with that aesthetic is all

for that in different ways.

Some people paid for that with their personal issues and some people paid for it with their lives. Alice in Chains is so clear on what it will and won’t do when it comes to any label or press dealings and all outside interference. We have a really clear line that just won’t be crossed.”

One line that the quartet continually crosses is the threshold that makes their live show so dangerously mesmerizing. With a back catalogue spanning over twenty three years, what can fans expect from their British tour?

That unique connection is perhaps best personified by the undisputed godfathers of Seattle rock, Pearl Jam. Vedder’s men have spent over 15 years systematically destroying the image of how a successful alternative band should conduct themselves, most recently founding their own label to release records independently.

“Pearl Jam just got to a point where they stepped back from everything and I think that’s what really saved their sanity,” reasons William.

“A lot of people forget that these bands were made up of regular people who were really affected by the pressures this sort of instant fame put upon them. And people paid

“A mixture of old and new songs,” enthuses William.

“We’re leaving it all on the field. I think we have six shows in six days so it’s going be a real barnburner and we’re all really looking forward to it.”

Alice in Chains will be touring the UK throughout November.

45

Christmas on a budget Secret Santa

ney while eat way of saving mo Secret Santa is a gr ce that you care about the en keeping up the pret names from rstly, you all draw Fi u. people around yo present and e recipient of your a hat to find out th d equally. ke that everybody is li t so that mi to create the facade li d en a maximum sp t se u yo at th r te Af ncially. n’t burden you fina your affection does , but if ds un low as five po The limit is often as ro and ze to it t you can se you’re really skint sties, pa en at -e lf ha for go dumpster diving ts ought that coun . because it’s the th

Jive Bunny Christmas Music

For anyone too young to remember, Jive Bunny & the Mix Masters were like the Fat Boy Slim of their day.

Pound Shop Xmas movies

’t count) Christmas movies are almost all crap (Die Hard doesn s you guest your for on so if you’re thinking of sticking a film for shops pound and ts might as well mine the bargain bucke le examp great a is e cheap fodder. Tim Allen’s The Santa Claus gives ually event r fathe of a generic flick where a sceptical voicing in to mindless consumerism. Fun fact: as well as nce for sente life a ed Buzz Lightyear Allen narrowly avoid plices. accom his of 21 out smuggling cocaine in 1978 by ratting

46

Christmas parties can be expensive, especially when you have no money, so here’s a handy guide on throwing a cheap bash: mpers ap Knitted ju s memories of cr

Everybody ha er through a Xmas knitwear, eith ent from your disappointing pres ab le fa sh io n Na n, or a qu es ti on Little did we d.

Da choice by your azy jumpers and know that in 2013 cr be the height neck-beards would You might as n. of hipster fashio s now while er mp ju e well wear thos nce of knowing you still have an ou da y yo u’l l be ir on y, be ca us e on e ll just seem wi middle-aged and it . ea id od go like a really

Drinks

Mulled Wine – Tradit ionall y the wine is mulled by being heated with fruit zest and spices but it’s much cheaper if you just mull it over in your head, especially if you don’t end up buying any wine.

Virgin Eggnog – Ingredients: An egg.

Virgin Snowballs – Ingredients: Snow.

Food Ideas

Real Mince Pies – Have you ever noticed how Xmas mince pies never seem to have any mince in them? Instead of going for that Marks & Spencer twaddle this year you can save some cash by scraping out the insides of Tesco’s Value Lasagnes into cup cake cases. There’s a good chance it contains real reindeer!

Snow – Great for when you’re on a diet.

47

What's On

Big acts Heading Your Way !

Want to go and see a live act this November? Here’s a guide of who to go see, and who to avoid...

Queens of the Stone Age

The soul/drum ’n’ bass collective behind such skull-mushingly catchy chart-toppers such as Feel The Love. You know the one.

Follow up single Waiting All Night has also gained a number one spot.

The

Reflektors The Reflektors are actually the alter egos of Grammy award-winning band Arcade fire, but that’s a secret so don’t tell anybody. The shows they’ve done so far off the back of their new album have been mind blowing, so you won’t want to miss their visit to the UK.

Jason

Manford Rizzle

Kicks

The number one hit ‘Down with the Trumpets’ by shite rap duo Rizzle Kicks took on a whole new meaning for me when I had this weird dream about them being beaten to death by a marching brass band incorporating the members of Run DMC, Public Enemy and NWA.

48

Jason Manford is a certified graduate of the Peter Kay school of jokes about being Northern. His special abilities include noticing things, feigned astonishment and silly accents.

Jake Bugg Say what you want about old sour-faced Jake but he’s doing a hell of a good job in bringing back guitar music to the British mainstream. Also, the music video he just made with Shane Meadows is hilarious.

Scouting Girls

for

For a band whose name has connotations of predatory paedophilia Scouting for Girls are an extraordinarily limp-dick outfit. They play vacuous piano ditties that would seem rather safe and mawkish in the 1920s.

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