Mindset Matters

With Becca Teers | www.healthy-habits.me | www.mindplus-experience.com

Dealing With Conflict In Relationships

Conflict gets bad press, but it’s an inevitable part of life. Occasional quarrels or disagreements are normal and healthy. People can’t agree on everything because we are all individuals with different views, experiences, needs and opinions. The differences between us are what make our relationships interesting and real! As a hypnotherapist I often work with clients to help them improve their relationships. Communication and conflict are areas that people commonly struggle with. I’ve noticed that while some people can have an argument, clear the air and then put it behind them, others find conflict really difficult to handle. This can be because we’ve experienced turbulent and maybe traumatic experiences in the past making us fearful of angry reactions. Or maybe we grew up in a family that never argued (either problems were not discussed or issues were dealt with more calmly and rationally). Disagreements are inevitable in healthy, honest relationships. Yet conflict can get out of hand and have a real negative impact if it’s not dealt with thoughtfully. Below are some tips to help.

DO’S & DON’TS when dealing with conflict

DON’T deny, avoid or ‘gloss’ over issues. Problems can set in if we constantly deny feelings or don’t speak our truth with others just to keep the peace. DON’T make it a competition! Fighting or competing to be right or to win the argument is a bad move. You have to decide whether it is more important to be right or to be happy. And pick your battles, if you feel really strongly about something then put your point across and stand your ground that this is your view and will remain so. But attempting to ‘win’ every time could cost you the relationship eventually. DON’T talk when angry/tired/hungry! If you are angry and emotions are heightened take a break before talking. Say something like “I’m too angry to talk right now. Let’s talk later when I’ve/we’ve calmed down.” Then give yourself some space, maybe a walk or just remove yourself for a while until you feel calmer. DO listen. Let the other person have their say without being interrupted.

DO talk about the action, behaviour or situation

that you don’t agree with. (Rather than attacking the other person.) DO deal with one issue at a time. Avoid temptation to throw past disagreements or situations into the discussion. Just stick to the point at hand. DO be prepared to apologise. Sometimes you have to make the choice of being happy rather than always being ‘right’. Apologising doesn’t mean accepting that you were wrong. You are just saying you’re sorry that there was a disagreement, and that the other is upset.

DO seek to understand even if you don’t agree.

Dealing with conflict is a skill and if it is unfamiliar or uncomfortable it’s good to know that it becomes easier with practice. The important thing is that both parties want to resolve any issues that arise. If it’s a difference of opinion, sometimes the resolve comes by just agreeing to disagree and respecting each other enough to let it lie.

7th– 16th May

The Dulwich Festival (7th-16th May) returns with a veritable smorgasbord of virtual delights with offerings of art, music, talks and literature. The Festival will also host a series of lively and thought-provoking live streamed events, including with Mercury-nominated folk musician, Sam Lee discussing his debut novel, ‘The Nightingale’ with Harriet Lamb, author and CEO of climate solutions charity, Ashden. The Extinction Rebellion activist and conservationist will tell his story of our changing environment through this elusive bird. Danny Dorling, author and Professor of Geography, University of Oxford, will be in conversation with Guardian journalist, Zoe Williams. Catch-up with them after their riotous first visit to the Festival six years ago as they explore changes in our society. Questions from the audience are very welcome. Jennifer Scott, Director of Dulwich Picture Gallery, will be exploring ‘Unearthed: Photography’s Roots’ with the exhibition curator’s, Alexander Moore. Exploring Dulwich’s rich history; Professor Alison Yarrington, alongside Dr Dawn Pereira and Dr Melanie Veasey, will be recounting the story of Tasmanian sculptor, Oliffe Richmond’s, epochdefining ‘Striding Man’. The impressive outdoor bronze sculpture was gifted to the presently named Charter School in 1962, however having sustained damage, it has been boxed up for many years. Tickets to the event are free, with donations in aid of its restoration. Virginia Calder, Professor of Ocular Immunology at UCL Institute of Ophthalmology, will be in conversation with Dr Tom Best MBE, Clinical Director for Critical Care at King’s College Hospital discussing the journey of the Covid-19 vaccine amongst other topics. Tickets to this event are free, with donations in aid of King’s College Health Charity. And who knew that Herne Hill’s Velodrome played host to Basket Racing in the 1940’s! Local historian, Ian McInnes will be giving an illustrated talk looking at a range of different sports and sports personalities who have graced the green pastures of Dulwich from 1870-1970. Returning by popular demand, poet, comedian and musician, John Hegley, will explore ‘Fish and Ships’ in a family workshop. Inspired by the French ‘Poisson d’Avril’, the continental April Fool’s Day tradition of fashioning and fastening paper fishes onto unsuspecting jackets; join John in the making of fish and the drawing of ships! Very limited capacity so bag your ticket now. Spring is the theme for this year’s Children’s Art competition and for those budding writers, the Flash Fiction competition returns after its popular

debut last year. Fiction competition judges including Alice Castle and Marianne Kavanagh will be in conversation early in the Festival, exploring their fascinating journeys into writing. Over 60 artists will be exhibiting online in Artists’ Open House with ample opportunity to purchase art. Many artists shifted their artistic interests during their lockdown isolation; regular Festival contributor, Alice King, rediscovered her joy of painting, inspired by walks and photography of the changing seasons. She will have mounted art, prints and cards to purchase, alongside her colourful glass tableware. Kevin Dutton produces limited edition prints of the photographs he takes of plants and flowers grown locally in his garden and at his allotment. Whilst painter, Alice Luetchford spent her lockdown in the Swiss Alps capturing the magnificence and joy of the mountains. In between canvasses, Alice was hurtling down the mountains, training for the Winter Olympics 2026, as her blind husband’s ski guide. New podcasts and short films can be enjoyed on demand throughout the Festival, with contributions from local ornithologist, Dave Clark, and also Chair of Dulwich Society Trees Committee, David Beamish both exploring the natural riches of Dulwich Park. Whilst acclaimed indie-folk quintet, Patch and the Giant will contribute a new song recorded especially for the Festival. The Festival is bursting with treats for all tastes, for further details and tickets, please visit:

www.dulwichfestival.co.uk

Friday 7 – Sunday 16 May: Bell House Sculpture Park

11:30am-6pm. Join us this May as we take part in Dulwich Festival’s Artist Open House with the Bell House Sculpture Park! The Bell House gardens are open during the Dulwich Festival exhibiting works of 11 artists and 3 dancers. Forged metal, carved monoliths, playful perspex, resonant ceramics and woven alloys are but some of the forms that assemble to shape the pieces in the Sculpture Park. See how the artist’s have made new works in response to the architecture and history of the house or how existing works find new context in situ. This is our first public event since restrictions began and we are looking forward to welcoming you all! We will be operating in line with the latest government Covid safety measures. As such pre-booking is advised to help us manage social distancing. Walk-up’s are welcome but you may have to wait a little if we are busy! By booking you will be agreeing for us to hold your information for Track & Trace. We will keep this information in line with GDPR regulations. Alternatively, on arrival you can either scan the QR code at the entrance or we are more than happy to take your details with good old pen and paper! For full details of opening times and how to book please go to

www.bellhouse.co.uk.

Notice

Please note that all this information was correct at the time of going to press. However please do check details ahead, as the lockdown may be extended and this could affect some events.

Monday 10 May: Exclusive Live Cook-Along with Rukmini Iyer

6.30pm-7.30pm. Join us for a night-in like no other: a virtual cook-along with best-selling author of The Roasting Tin series, Rukmini Iyer. Follow live at home as Rukmini leads you through one of her wildly popular recipes – with step-by-step instructions and expert tips, it’s the next best thing to having her in your kitchen! The cook-along will be a masterclass in Rukmini’s trademark style of fuss-free, flavour-focussed food. Hazel loves cooking from Rukmini’s books and The Roasting Tin Around the World has been one of our bestselling books at the bookshop too! Tickets from £10. www.village-books.co.uk

Wednesday 12 May: Dulwich & District u3a Open meeting: Introducing Link Age Southwark

2pm-3.30pm. Link Age Southwark has been operating in the borough since 1993. The charity's vision is of friendly, vibrant local communities where older people thrive. In this talk the Charity's Director, Sophie Wellings, who previously worked for the Third Age Trust (the u3a national umbrella body), will outline the work of the charity as well as exploring opportunities for collaborating with the u3a.

https://u3asites.org.uk/dulwich/events.

Thursday 13 May: Filmmaking 101: The Camera with Dan Robb

7pm - 9pm. What does a director actually do? What makes a good script? Why is editing so important? Every month, an industry professional will host an online tutorial, where they will delve into the fundamentals of a specific filmmaking discipline. The cost of this tutorial is £15. We have 2 free/bursary tickets available for those unable to pay the full price.

www.bellhouse.co.uk.

Thursday 13 May: Operation Pedestal by Max Hastings

7.30pm-8.30pm. An epic, intimate new account of one of the greatest naval dramas of World War II, from number one bestselling historian Max Hastings. Tickets from £10. **We have been allocated a number of books which Max Hastings has kindly agreed to dedicate and sign.**

www.village-books.co.uk

Thursday 13 May: Ancient Egyptian Art - Three Thousand Years of Treasures

8pm-9pm. Lecture will look in depth at these treasures, examining techniques used, who commissioned them, their purpose and meaning. These are for members only. To join or book tickets: www.theartssocietydulwich.org.uk

Monday 17 May: Change your habits - change your life

7pm-8pm. Have you ever tried to build a new habit or routine only to find yourself slipping back in old patterns? The habits and routines we chose daily impact not only our current situation but our future path. You will never change your life until you change your habits. There’s a tiny difference between thinking ‘I could never do that’ and realising ‘I can totally see how that’s possible,’ As successful habits are formed your brain is rewired and it builds a wave of positivity and motivation. In this session, you will learn how to create habits that stick, embrace change, and move towards the life you wish to lead.

www.bellhouse.co.uk.

Monday 17 May: An Evening with Sophie Hannah and Adele Geras

7.30pm-8.30pm. Join mother and daughter Adele and Sophie as they talk about their new books, writing careers, changing direction and how to insert a murder into a story. Based on a reallife voyage, Dangerous Women by Hope Adams (Adele Geras) is a sweeping tale of confinement, hope and the terrible things we do to survive. The Killings of Kingfisher Hall by Sophie Hannah see Poirot return to solve another muder mystery. Tickets from £6. www.village-books.co.uk