ANLC Birth Mother Booklet

Know

That You Are

Not Alone

“Courage isn’t having the strength to go on.

It’s going on, even when you don’t think you have the strength.”

—London, Birth Mother

contents Introduction ..........................................................................................................3-5 Exploring Your Options........................................................................................... 6 What Are My Choices? ............................................................................................ 7 You Decide .............................................................................................................8-9 The Benefits of Adoption ..................................................................................10-11 Some Things to Think About ................................................................................ 12 What Will My Future Be If I Place My Baby for Adoption? .............................. 13 Suggestions Created for You................................................................................. 14 Love Letters to Myself .......................................................................................... 15 Letters of Encouragement from Birth Mothers............................................16-17 The Feel Good List ............................................................................................18-19 Common Myths about Adoption .................................................................... 20-21 What Is an Abortion? ...................................................................................... 22-23 ANLC Birth Mother Bill of Rights ........................................................................24 How Will an Adoption Advisor Help Me?............................................................25 Birth Mother Housing and Living Assistance....................................................25 How to Select Adopting Parent(s) .......................................................................26 Birth Mother’s Relationship with Adopting Parent(s) and Child ...................27 Challenges That You May Face As a Single Parent ..................................... 28-29 About Adoption Network Law Center .................................................................30 What’s Next? .......................................................................................................... 31

booklet credits [1] Wilke, John. “Benefits of Adoption.” Life Issues Today. 2003. www.lifeissues.org/connector/display.asp?page=03oct.htm [2] Child Welfare Information Gateway. “Impact of Adoption on Adopted Persons.” Children’s Buraeu/ACYF/ACF/HHS. 2013. www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_adimpact.pdf [3] MedlinePlus. “Abortion.” U.S. National Library of Medicine. 2013. www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/abortion.html [4] Hoffman, Saul. “By the Numbers: The Public Costs of Adolescent Childbearing.” Washington, DC: National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. 2006. www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/pdf/pubs/btn_full.pdf [5] DeNavas-Walt, Carmen, Proctor, Bernadette, and Smith, Jessica. “Income, Poverty, and Health Insurance Coverage in the United States: 2009.” U.S. Government Printing Office. 2010. www.census.gov/prod/2010pubs/p60-238.pdf

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Know

That You Are

Not Alone

Millions of women in America experience an unplanned pregnancy each year. Like you, these women must navigate through the sudden changes in their lives. They must learn to make choices not only for themselves, but also for the new lives growing inside of them.

This booklet is designed to help you consider your choices.

Thousands of young women have come through their unplanned pregnancies gaining greater wisdom, compassion, maturity and peace of mind. They have faced their choices with courage and gone on to live happy meaningful lives.

You will too!

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Adoption Network Law Center’s desire is to help you better understand the possibility of adoption and what it means for you and your baby. Adoption is an unselfish gift of love to both your child and to the Adopting Parent(s) who desire to grow their families. Adoption is a way of providing a child the security and resources to develop into a happy and successful individual.

Adoption may allow you to fulfill your dreams, pursue your education, begin a career, travel, deepen your relationships and enjoy life as a mature adult woman. Your generous act of love can help create a relationship that links two families forever.

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testimonial “It’s not looking at what I am going to lose or what I am going to gain... but what is this baby going to gain in life?”

—Megan

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Today, many assume that an unplanned pregnancy automatically leads to either single motherhood, an early marriage with the child’s father, or an abortion.

While you may feel overwhelmed and confused about the decisions that lie ahead, know that you have the right to make the best choice for yourself and your baby.

Exploring Your Options 6

What Are My

Choices?

Although the des ire to become a mother is natur the right time fo al, now may not r you. An unplan be n ed pregnancy do you must raise th es not mean tha e child on your o t wn.

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es!

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se to paren t, y

ou will need to

evaluate the d costs of par en ting, both fin ancially and emotion ally. Y ou will need to find a suppor t system to help you trans ition to the rea lities of paren thood, establish regu lar employme n t, and prepa re to set up a home in order to take care of your child. challenges an

Parenting will be the most deman ding job you will your life. You mu ever have in st think about y our baby’s food, schedule. You m sleep and wake-t ust arrange chil ime d c a r e w hile you work to your child(ren).

You must also an support ticipate changin and giving up fr g your lifestyle eedoms that are n o longer possible w a child. It is a da hen caring for ily sacrifice of ti me, energy and and raise a child resources to lov full time. e

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I

You Decide

n times of crisis, it is tempting to make quick decisions, hoping problems will disappear. However, making a quick decision could lead to greater heartache later on. It is important to remind yourself that you have the time and freedom to think through all of your options.

Take a moment to consider the questions below that have been helpful to other Birth Mothers who have faced the same issues you are facing today.

M What do I want to achieve in my life?

M Am I trying to please my family or someone else with my decision?

M What would I have to give up by becoming a parent or by adding another child to my family?

M Am I making my decision based on the lifestyle of others?

M Have I considered what is in the best interest of my child?

M Would I miss my free time and privacy?

M Can I cover the expenses of raising a child on my own?

M Am I willing to postpone my dreams to care for a child?

M How do I know that I am making the right choice?

If at any time you need help answering these questions or just want to talk, we are here for you. Call us toll-free at 1-866-942-3678 or email here4u@adoptionnetwork.com.

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testimonial “Adoption meant learning to be ok with knowing my daughter from a distance and being grateful for the knowledge that she has a really good life which was all I ever really wanted for her.”

—Amy – K.C. 9

The Benefits of Adoption When considering adoption, it is helpful to reflect on how that decision might impact your life and the lives of those around you. Here is some feedback we have received from Birth Mothers.

Adoption Offers You:

• The chance to move forward and fulfill your lifelong dreams • The opportunity to provide a secure and loving family for your baby • Financial assistance for medical and living expenses, as allowed by state law • A support network of adoption professionals • The power to create your own adoption plan and select a family for your child • Peace of mind that your baby will be with a loving family that will provide opportunities to him/her • Ability to make a family’s dream come true by blessing them with your baby 10

Adoption Offers the Baby: • Adopting Parent(s) that are financially and emotionally prepared to parent • A loving home that may also include brothers and sisters • The greater probability of a good education and career advancement • Adopting Parent(s) who are prepared to invest themselves in the challenges of child rearing • Adopting Parent(s) who are typically more involved in school and cultural activities • The likelihood of good healthcare and a good support network • The opportunity to travel and experience different people and places • The kind of life you dream of for your child • The foundation for a meaningful life

testimonial “No one can ever tell you that your child was a mistake or giving him a better life was a mistake.”

—Tracy

Before reading the next section, take a few moments to record your thoughts and feelings about adoption. You may want to write at a time of day when you are alone and uninterrupted. Try to write for a few minutes, jotting down whatever thoughts come to mind when you think about the possibility of adoption, whether good, bad or confusing.

Do not judge your feelings or label them as unrealistic, fearful or selfish. Focus on capturing what your heart is telling you is the right decision for you and your baby.

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Some Things to Think About Sometimes it is helpful to think about your life and what long-term choices you would need to make if you chose to raise a child yourself. Place a check mark in front of the questions that best describe your current life situation.

❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏

Have I completed my high school education?

❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏ ❏

Can I cover my housing, food, transportation, medical and personal expenses?

Am I pursuing my life goals and excited about my future?

Am I employed with the possibility of advancing in my career?

Do I have loving and supportive parents and family who respect my choices?

Do I have health insurance and know a medical practice I can count on?

Am I am part of a church or faith community that provides me with a support network?

Am I saving for the future and possible emergencies?

Am I attending college, or plan to within the next two years?

Do I have a reliable car and car insurance?

Do I live in close proximity to quality childcare services?

Do I have the time, energy, support network, income and resources to parent a child?

❏ Is the father of my unborn child loving, mature, honest, hard-working and does he treat me with respect?

❏ Am I and the father of my unborn child prepared for the challenges and costs that come with raising a child?

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What will my future be

If I Place My Baby for Adoption?

Two different studies performed by Planned Parenthood and Columbia University,1 report that young mothers who placed their babies for adoption had considerably more favorable social, economic and educational outcomes than did those who kept their babies and parented as single parents. Comparing these two groups, the studies showed that those who placed their children for adoption were:

• More likely to be employed 6–12 months after giving birth • More likely to earn a higher household income • More likely to complete high school • More likely to achieve higher education • More likely to marry later on • Less likely to have another child out of wedlock • Less likely to be on welfare • More likely to be optimistic about their future 13

suggestions

Created for You We created this Checklist to assist, support and guide you through the adoption process. Based on frequently asked questions by thousands of Birth Mothers nationwide, we have compiled a list of suggestions to make your pregnancy and adoption experience as positive and fulfilling as possible.

• Seek the help of a trained Adoption Advisor • Find a safe and positive housing arrangement • Request needed medical and living assistance, in accordance with state law • Surround yourself with supportive relationships • Make and keep regular prenatal visits with your doctor • Research places where you might like to work or go to college in the future • Plan a special event or vacation to look forward to after the baby is placed with his/her Adopting Parent(s) • Write letters to your baby, sharing your dreams for his/her new life and family

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Love Letters to Myself

We must learn to expose our vulnerability. It is not a bad thing. It allows us to unveil and grow. We cannot find the peace, harmony and joy we seek without opening up the door and letting out the other stuff.

{

Use this page to pen a love letter to yourself.

Pay yourself the compliments you deserve.

}

Dear Self:

It is our goal to inspire you to embrace this journey and be inspired by your selessness.

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The

Feel Good List

Feeling good can be so simple. How many of these can you relate to? ❏ The smell of brewing coffee ❏ Holiday dinners ❏ Standing outside during the change of the seasons, and feeling and smelling the change in the air ❏ Reading a great book ❏ Listening to your favorite music ❏ Seeing a great movie ❏ Taking a nap under a shady tree ❏ Spotting a shooting star and making a wish ❏ Cutting fresh flowers for your room ❏ Eating a great meal ❏ Standing at the shore when the wave comes in and hits your feet and legs ❏ Making and eating s’mores ❏ Baking cookies and eating them ❏ Opening Christmas presents ❏ Walking in the rain ❏ Walking barefoot in the grass ❏ Getting a call from an old friend ❏ Watching a beautiful sunset ❏ Doing a craft project ❏ Snuggling under a blanket by a fire 18

My Own Feel Good List: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

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testimonial “I’m so proud of what I’ve done.

Adoption is beautiful.

Because of my action, my son has a great life.

He’s 3 years old and happy.”

—Breyann 19

COMMONAbout MYTHS Adoption Myth

Adoption is an irresponsible solution to an unplanned pregnancy.

TRUTH: Now that you are pregnant, you need to plan for your child’s future. Know all your options and the consequences of each. Make a plan that will be in the best interest of your child. Decisions made impulsively or based only on emotions are not responsible.

Myth

A loving Birth Mother would never consider adoption for her baby.

TRUTH: By giving birth to your baby and sharing his/her life with Adopting Parent(s), you are demonstrating an act of love to your child.

Myth

Adopted children suffer psychological problems.

TRUTH: Each adopted child/adult will have unique feelings, experiences and thoughts about his/her adoption but studies have found that adopted persons generally lead lives that are no different from the lives of nonadopted persons.2

Myth

You will never recover emotionally and be able to move forward after your adoption.

TRUTH: With the help of post-placement services and good support, you can not only survive, but you can thrive.

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Myth

An adopted child might fall into the hands of someone abusive.

TRUTH: Hopeful Adopting Parent(s) are carefully screened, educated and prepared. They must receive an FBI background check, which will include a child abuse clearance. All Adopting Parent(s) must also undergo a home-study with a certified social worker and they will be required to show birth certificates, tax returns, marriage/divorce certificates, medical exams and personal references.

Myth

A Birth Mother is never able to know her child or the Adopting Parent(s).

TRUTH: You select the Adopting Parent(s) and you have many choices regarding the openness of the adoption.

Myth

No one can love a child as much as his/her Birth Mother can.

TRUTH: Adopting Parent(s) are prepared to love their children unconditionally. Because Adopting Parent(s) make the calculated choice to parent, they take their parenting responsibilities very seriously.

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what is an abortion?

Abortion is a surgical or medical procedure that terminates a pregnancy and the life of the unborn baby. It is performed by a medical professional, such as a licensed physician or surgeon. The reasons for having an abortion may include: • Desire to terminate an unplanned pregnancy • Lack of support from the father of the child or family to carry the baby to full term • Fear or distrust of the adoption process • Concerns about losing employment because of pregnancy • Feelings of depression or shame about pregnancy • Belief that the pregnancy might endanger the mother’s health • Lack of income or a support network • Concerns about medical costs related to prenatal visits and the birth • Indicators of possible abnormalities in the fetus

In addition to the moral, ethical, religious and personal debates about abortion, there are legal and medical implications to consider: • Some states require parental consent for minors before they can get an abortion • Abortion may not be medically recommended for some women, even early on in the pregnancy • Abortion may result in an inability to carry a future pregnancy to term • Abortion may lead to infertility and diminish a woman’s chance to conceive again • In some cases, abortion may result in death3

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The medical aftermath of an abortion may include severe pain, hemorrhaging, shock or coma, and even death. Emotional reactions may include clinical depression and feelings of suicide, shame, guilt or worthlessness, sometimes leading to a dependency on drugs and/or alcohol. While carrying your pregnancy to full term may seem like a sacrifice at this time, it may very well be the best thing for you — both physically and emotionally — in the long term.

The effects of a pregnancy are short-lived, whereas an abortion may lead to medical and psychological problems, impairing you for years to come.

testimonial “Your child will never forget that you didn’t just give them away, that you didn’t just throw them away, that they were actually worth saving. My daughter was worth saving.”

—Amber

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ANLC Birth Mother

BILL OF RIGHTS As a Birth Mother, You Have... ✭ The right to participate in all phases of the adoption plan ✭ The right to be educated regarding the options for financial assistance and medical coverage during the pregnancy ✭ The right to review profiles of prospective Adopting Parent(s) in order to make the best decision ✭ The right to ask questions of the Adopting Parent(s) and to receive information before deciding to place the child with them ✭ The right to select the Adopting Parent(s) ✭ The right to an open and honest relationship with the Adopting Parent(s) ✭ The right to receive support throughout the adoption process and following the birth of the baby, in accordance with state law ✭ The right to be treated with dignity and respect ✭ The right to be provided with safe and secure housing throughout the pregnancy, in accordance with state law 24

How Will an Adoption Advisor

Help Me?

Our Adoption Advisors have decades of experience helping Birth Mothers like you who are considering adoption. They can assist you in making this important life decision and help you find the perfect family for your child, based on what is important to you. They can also guide you through the decisions related to your child’s adoption and help you fulfill your dreams for his/her future.

Our caring Adoption Advisors are available to provide you with free assistance. There is no cost to you to create an adoption plan or to select Adopting Parent(s) for your child.

We want to make the adoption process as easy as possible for you. We are committed to meeting your specific needs and helping to guide you through your adoption journey.

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BIRTH MOTHER HOUSING Living Assistance

Adoption Network Law Center believes that Birth Mothers deserve the dignity of quality housing with the comfort and security of knowing they can live out their pregnancy and recuperate in a peaceful, supportive and nurturing environment.

Our Adoption Advisors can help arrange assistance with living expenses and housing, in accordance with state law.

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How to Select ADOPTING PARENT(S) One of the exciting aspects of the adoption process is that you will be able to hand pick the right family for your child. You will need to think about the kind of parents that you would like to raise your child and the type of life you want your child to lead. Some Birth Mothers meet the Adopting Parent(s), talk on the phone, email or text each other, and visit the doctor together. Other Birth Mothers choose not to have any contact with the Adopting Parent(s).

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER: Here are some questions to help you make your Adopting Parent(s) selection.

Some of these questions may be very important to you, while others may not be important at all.

✭ How long have they been married? ✭ Do they already have children? ✭ What kind of life do they lead at this time? ✭ What are their values and/or spiritual beliefs? ✭ What are their views on parenting and discipline? ✭ What are their hobbies? ✭ Did they attend college? ✭ Do both work outside the home? ✭ What kind of experiences would they like to share with the child?

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BIRTH MOTHER's relationship with Adopting Parent(s) and Child It is important to find the level of contact that is comfortable for you and the Adopting Parent(s) after the birth. Today, most US adoptions are “open,� with some level of contact during the pregnancy and after the birth.

During the pregnancy, some Birth Mothers and Adopting Parent(s) email and text each other updates throughout the pregnancy and some arrange to meet or go to doctor visits together.

After the birth, some Birth Mothers request that Adopting Parent(s) send photos and updates of the child and some Birth Mothers and Adopting Parent(s)/child may even meet for special occasions.

If you do not want to have any contact with the Adopting Parent(s) or child, you do not have to. Ultimately, it is up to you.

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An ANLC Adoption Advisor can guide you through this process to find out what works best for you.

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Challenges That You May Face

As a Single Parent education Lack of higher education is one of the most devastating consequences of early parenthood. The kind of income you will need to raise a child today often requires a college education. Completing a college degree is both emotionally and physically time-consuming.

For many, college also provides an opportunity to build lifelong friendships and time to enjoy dating. It is an exciting time to consider your career choices. Many students enjoy traveling or working as interns during the summer months. Receiving a college diploma, which will one day advance your career options and income level, is very difficult to attain while parenting an infant or small child. Most single mothers simply cannot find the time to pursue such dreams. In fact, fewer than 2% of teens who have a baby before age 18 attain a college degree by age 30.4

employment Caring for a child requires a regular income and secure employment. You will need to pay for housing, utilities, formula, diapers, clothing, a crib, a high chair, a stroller, blankets, bedding, furnishings, transportation, doctor’s visits, toys, school supplies, food and many other things. Many costs are ongoing and most relatives and friends cannot afford to continually support you financially.

Children’s needs are also unpredictable and may require you to unexpectedly take time off work, but most employers need you to work a reliable schedule. They cannot tolerate numerous sick days because your baby needs you. You must ask yourself how you will juggle single motherhood and employment and provide properly for your child.

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childcare While daycare may sound like an attractive option, it is expensive. Reliable childcare can cost $800/month or more. Then, there is also the question of quality and accessibility of care. Is it close to home? Are the childcare workers certified and nurturing? Will they care for your baby in the same way that you would?

If not, who else can you turn to for your childcare needs or as backup babysitters in an emergency?

You need to know that most daycares have structured hours.

This means that you must drop off and pick up your child at designated hours.

Your employer may ask you to work hours that do not match the daycare hours.

Most daycares are closed if you work in the evenings or weekends.

Keep in mind that grandparents, relatives and neighbors may be too busy to watch your child for you.

And they may not have the energy or interest to babysit your child for several hours a day. Simply put, good childcare is a challenge for many families to find in America today.

Poverty The US Census found that for related children under the age of 18 in families with only a single mother, 44.4% were in poverty compared to 11% of related children in married-couple families.5 If you are considering single motherhood, know the facts and ask yourself if you want to raise a child under such potential circumstances.

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About Adoption Network Law Center Adoption Network Law Center (ANLC) is a professional law center providing quality adoption services nationwide. ANLC’s adoption services are nurturing and loving, and will help guide you through the adoption process with comfort, trust, honesty and complete support.

About Kristin A.F. Yellin Kristin A.F. Yellin, the youngest of 8 children, was born and raised on Eastern Long Island, New York. Setting her own path, Kris attended the University of California, Berkeley, earning a degree in political science. With a developing interest in advocacy, Kris went on to attend Pepperdine University School of Law and became licensed with the California State Bar in 1995.

Kris feels adoption is the perfect fit for her because it is about bringing people together for the benefit of the child.

“I am honored to be part of something that will make a difference in a child’s life.”

Kris and her husband currently reside in Southern California with their three daughters. Kris is very involved in the community. Kris serves on the PTA at her daughters’ schools, is active in her church’s African orphanage ministry (in 2012 Kris traveled to Namibia, Africa with her oldest daughter to serve) and volunteers on various community sports boards. Kris is also co-captain of Team Trudy – a team of runners dedicated to raising money and awareness for pancreatic cancer research in honor of her late Mother. Kris’s hobbies include horseback riding, coaching softball and cheering on her daughters at their sporting events.

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What’s Next?

If you decide that adoption is right for you, Adoption Network Law Center is ready and available to help you today. Our Adoption Advisors are on call to help you through every step of the way. They are prepared to assist you in placing your child for adoption with loving Adopting Parent(s).

Here is a list of things you may look forward to:

Birth Mother Adoption Process: • Contact Adoption Network Law Center at www.AdoptionNetwork.com or call toll free at 1-866-942-3678 • Speak with an experienced and compassionate Birth Mother Specialist • Complete Birth Mother paperwork • If you choose, speak with a peer mentor (Birth Mother who has walked in your shoes) • Start prenatal care if you have not already done so (ANLC can help you find a doctor, assist with transportation and help you secure medical insurance) • Work with your Adoption Advisor to select Adopting Parents from Adoption Network Law Center’s “Waiting Families” • Decide on your comfort level regarding the relationship you wish to have with your Adopting Parent(s) • Continue to stay in touch with your Adoption Advisor for support and if you choose, develop the relationship with your Adopting Parent(s) • Create your birth plan • Meet with your local representation to discuss the legal process • Contact your Adoption Advisor when labor begins • As needed, receive ongoing counseling and support after the baby is placed with the Adopting Parent(s) • Get plenty of rest and allow time for you to work through your limitations • Have goals planned for your future and put them into action • Spend time with those who have supported you through your adoption

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When you wish for COURAGE, believe in yourself

When you wish for STRENGTH, know it is always inside of you

When you wish for GUIDANCE, know that we stand together