Know Not Alone
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www.AdoptionNetwork.com
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800-367-2367
CONTENTS
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Know Not Alone
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EXPLORING YOUR OPTIONS 6
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The Benefits
of Adoption When considering adoption, it is helpful to reflect on how that decision might impact your life and the lives of those around you. Here is some feedback we have received from Birth Mothers.
Adoption Offers You:
The change to move forward and fulfill your lifelong dreams
The opportunity to provide a secure and loving family for your baby
Financial assistance for medical and living expenses, as allowed by state law
A support network of adoption professionals
The power to create your own adoption plan and select a family for your child
Peace of mind that your baby will be with a loving family that will provide opportunities to him/her
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Ability to make a family’s dream come true by blessing them with your baby.
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Adoption Offers the Baby:
Adopting Parent(s) that are financially and emotionally prepared to parent
A loving home that may also include brothers and sisters
The greater probability of a good education and career advancement
Adopting Parent(s) who are prepared to invest themselves in the challenges of child rearing
Adopting Parent(s) who are typically more involved in school and cultural activities
The likelihood of good healthcare and a good support network
The opportunity to travel and experience different people and places
The kind of life you dream of for your child
The foundation for a meaningful life
“No one can ever tell you that your child was a mistake or that giving him a better life was a mistake.” ~Tracy Before reading the next section, take a few moments to record your thoughts and feelings about adoption. You may want to write at a time of day when you are alone and uninterrupted. Try to write for a few minutes, jotting down whatever thoughts come to mind when you think about the possibility of adoption, whether good, bad or confusing. Do not judge your feelings or label them as unrealistic, fearful or selfish. Focus on capturing what your heart is telling you is the right decision for you and your baby.
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Some Things to Think About Sometimes it is helpful to think about your life and what long-term choices you would need to make if you chose to raise a child yourself. Take note of the questions that best describe your current life situation.
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Have I completed by high school education? Am I pursuing my life goals and excited about my future? Am I employed with the possibility of advancing in my career? Do I have loving and supportive parents and family to respect my choices? Do I have health insurance and know a medical practice I can count on? Am I part of a church or faith community that provides me with a support network? Can I cover my housing, food, transportation, medical and personal expenses? Am I saving for the future and possible emergencies? Am I attending college, or plan to within the next two years? Do I have a reliable car and car insurance? Do I live in close proximity to quality childcare services? Do I have the time, energy, support network, income and resources to parent a child? Is the father of my unborn child loving, mature, honest, hard-working and does he treat me with respect? Am I and the father of my unborn child prepared for the challenges and costs that come with raising a child?
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WHAT WILL MY FUTURE BE
If I Place My Baby for Adoption?
Two different studies performed by Planned Parenthood and Columbia University,1 report that young mothers who placed their babies for adoption had considerably more favorable social, economic and educational outcomes than did those who kept their babies and parented as single parents. Comparing these two groups, the studies showed that those who placed their children for adoption were:
More likely to be employed 6-12 moths after giving birth More likely to earn a higher household income More likely to complete high school More likely to achieve higher education More likely to marry later on Less likely to have another child out of wedlock Less likely to be on welfare More likely to be optimistic about their future 13
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SUGGESTIONS Created for You We created this Checklist to assist, support and guide you through the adoption process. Based on frequently asked questions by thousands of Birth Mothers nationwide, we have compiled a list of suggestions to make your pregnancy and adoption experience as positive and fulfilling as possible.
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Seek the help of a trained Adoption Advisor Find a safe and positive housing arrangement Request needed medical and living assistance, in accordance with state law Surround yourself with supportive relationships Make and keep regular prenatal visits with your doctor Research places where you might like to work or go to college in the future Plan a special event or vacation to look forward to after the baby is placed with his/her Adopting Parent(s) Write letters to your baby, sharing your dreams for his/her 14 new life and family
The
Feel Good List
Feeling good can be so simple. How many of these can you related to? The smell of brewing coffee Holiday dinners Standing outside during the change of the seasons, and feeling and smelling the change in the air Reading a great book Listening to your favorite music Seeing a great movie Taking a nap under a shady tree Spotting a shooting star and making a wish Cutting fresh flowers for your room Eating a great meal Standing at the shore when a wave comesin and hits your feet and legs Making and eating s’mores Baking cookies and eating them Opening Christmas presents Walking in the rain Walking barefoot in the grass Getting a call from an old friend Watching a beautiful sunset Doing a craft project Snuggling under a blanket by a fire 15
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Letters of Encouragement
From Birth Mothers Dear Stephanie, Wow, what a crazy time this might be for you as you are caring for yourself and making difficult decisions for your little one. I already have such respect for you for choosing life for this baby. I don’t know whether you have chosen to parent or place, and I don’t know your circumstances so giving advice is a bit difficult. What I can do is encourage you on this journey—encourage you to make a decision that you will be happy with a year from now; five years from now; 20 years from now. To remember that the decision you are about to make will impact more than just your and your baby, and to remember that whatever decision you make, there will be relief and also feelings of great loss… but you will survive! I am the Birth Mother of a 23-year-old son that I placed at birth. There have been very difficult times but I have never regretted my decision. I am confident that I made the best choice for me and for my son. Ali is a wonderful woman who can give you great wisdom while you are on this journey. There are also great resources online that are available now for Birth Mothers if this is the decision you make. Stay encouraged and remember to think ahead as you make your decision.
~Jan
Ariel,
From one Birth Mother to another, you are my hero. Because you have pu t your own thouhts, feelings, and emotions aside for the sake of your child, you are my sister. This pain is like no other, but the joy is also like no other. It is the bittersweet that we experience so our little ones can have all they deserve. You are selfless, you are brave, you are strong, you are beautiful… YOU are what love looks like. Welcome to a sisterhood built on pain, loss, joy, and so much love. We are always here for you!
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Dear Mary,
I’m grateful for BOTH of you… if I never met you I don’t think I would’ve ever gone through with it. The other agency I reached out to was strictly business, very cold!!! I thank God for you often; without you my son wouldn’t have such wonderful Adoptive Parents and who knows where I would have been today. Thank you Mary!
~Brittany
Hi Nicole,
You are going through such an emotional time… everything you are feeling is completely valid and normal. This experience will be a blessing of growth and transformation. We have an amazing group of women who have gone through the same feelings and emotions. We are here for you! Lean on us when you are feeling sad and need a boost. Your baby can feel the love you have for them and making a choice for their wellbeing will be appreciated so so much as they grow and thrive in a stable, loving environment. Take this opportunity to be gentle with yourself. Feel through the heartbreak. You will come out on top. A second chance for life for you and your baby. Much love to you!
~XO, Amberly
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COMMON MYTHS About Adoption Myth
Adoption is an irresponsible solution to an unplanned pregnancy. TRUTH: Now that you are pregnant, you need to plan for your child’s future. Know all your options and the consequences of each. Make a plan that will be in the best interest of your child. Decisions made impulsively or based only on emotions are not responsible.
Myth
A loving Birth Mother would never consider adoption for her baby. TRUTH: By giving birth to your baby and sharing his/her life with Adopting Parent(s), you are demonstrating an act of love to your child
Myth
Adopted children suffer psychological problems TRUTH: Each adopted child/adult will have unique feelings, experiences and thoughts about his/her adoption but studies have found that adopted people generally lead lives that are no different from the lives of non-adopted people.2
Myth
You will never recover emotionally and be able to move forward after your adoption. TRUTH: With the help of post –placement services and good support, you can not only survive, but you can thrive
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Myth
An adopted child might fall into the hands of someone abusive. TRUTH: Hopeful Adopting Parent(s) are carefully screened, educated and prepared. They must receive an FBI background check, which will include a child abuse clearance. All adopting Parent(s) must also undergo a home-study with a certified social worker and they will be required to show birth certificates, tax returns, marriage/divorce certificates, medical exams and personal references.
Myth
A Birth Mother is never able to know her child or the Adopting Parent(s) TRUTH: You select the Adopting Parent(s) and you have many choices regarding the openness of the adoption
Myth
No one can love a child as much as his/her Birth Mother can. TRUTH: Adopting Parent(s) are prepared to love their children unconditionally. Because Adopting parent(s) make the calculated choice to parent, they take their parenting responsibilities very seriously.
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Adoption Network Birth Mother
BILL OF RIGHTS As a Birth Mother, You Have...
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The right to participate in all phases of the adoption plan
The right to be educated regarding the options for financial assistance and medical coverage during the pregnancy
The right to review profiles of prospective Adopting Parent(s) in order to make the best decision
The right to ask questions of the Adopting Parent(s) and to receive information before deciding to place the child with them
The right to select the Adopting Parent(s)
The right to an open and honest relationship with the Adopting Parent(s)
The right to receive support throughout the adoption process and following the birth of the baby, in accordance with state law
The right to be treated with dignity and respect
The right to be provided with safe and secure housing throughout the pregnancy, in accordance with state law
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How Will an Adoption Advisor
Help Me? Our Adoption Advisors have decades of experience helping Birth Mothers like you who are considering adoption. They can assist you in making this important life decision and help you find the perfect family for your child, based on what is important to you. They can also guide you through the decisions related to your child’s adoption and help you fulfill your dreams for his/her future. Our caring Adoption Advisors are available to provide you with free assistance. There is no cost to you to create an adoption plan or to select Adopting Parent(s) for your child. We want to make the process as easy as possible for you. We are committed to meeting your specific needs and helping to guide you through your adoption journey.
BIRTH MOTHER HOUSING Living Assistance
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Adoption Network believes that Birth Mothers deserve the dignity of quality housing with the comfort and security of knowing they can live out their pregnancy and recuperate in a peaceful, supportive and nurturing environment. Our Adoption Advisors can help arrange assistance with living expenses and housing, in accordance with state law.
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How to Select
ADOPTING PARENTS
One of the exciting aspects of the adoption process is that you will be able to hand pick the right family for your child. You will need to think about the kind of parents that you would like to raise your child and the type of life you want your child to lead. Some Birth Mothers meet the Adopting Parent (s), talk on the phone, email or text each other, and visit the doctor together. Other Birth Mothers choose not to have any contact with the Adopting Parent(s).
Questions to Consider Here are some questions to help you make your Adopting Parent(s) selection. Some of these questions may be very important to you, while others may not be important to you at all.
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How long have they been married? Do they already have children? What kind of life do they lead at this time? What are their values and/or spiritual beliefs? What are their views on parenting and discipline? What are their hobbies? Did they attend college? Do both work outside of the home? What kind of experiences would they like to share with the22child?
BIRTH MOTHER’S RELATIONSHIP
with Adopting Parent(s) and Child It is important to find the level of contact that is comfortable for you and the Adopting Parent(s) after the birth. Today, most US adoptions are “open,” with some level of contact during the pregnancy and after the birth. During the pregnancy, some Birth Mothers and Adopting Parent(s) email and text each other updates throughout the pregnancy and some arrange to meet or go to doctor visits together. After the birth, some Birth Mothers request that Adopting Parent(s) send photos and updates of the child and some Birth Mothers and Adopting Parent(s)/child may even meet for special occasions. If you do not want to have any contact with the Adopting Parent(s) or child, you do not have to. Ultimately, it is up to you.
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An Adoption Network Adoption Advisor can guide you through this process to find out what works best for you.
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Challenges That You May Face
As a Single Parent EDUCATION Lack of higher education is one of the most devastating consequences of early parenthood. The kind of income you will need to raise a child today often requires a college education. Completing a college degree is both emotionally and physically time -consuming. For many, college also provides an opportunity to build lifelong friendships and time to enjoy dating. It is an exciting time to consider your career choices. Many students enjoy traveling or working as interns during the summer months. Receiving a college degree, which will one day advance your career options and income level, is very difficult to attain while parenting an infant or small child. Most single mothers simply cannot find the time to pursue such dreams. In fact, fewer than 2% of teens who have a baby before age 18 attain a college degree by age 30.3
EMPLOYMENT Caring for a child requires a regular income and secure employment. You will need to pay for housing, utilities, formula, diapers, clothing, a crib, a high chair, a stroller, blankets, bedding, furnishing, transportation, doctor’s visits, toys, school supplies, food and many other things. Many costs are ongoing and most relatives and friends cannot afford to continually support you financially. Children’s needs are also unpredictable and may require you to unexpectedly take time off work, but most employers need you to work a reliable schedule. They cannot tolerate numerous sick days because your baby needs you. You must ask yourself how you will juggle single motherhood and employment and provide properly for your child.
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CHILDCARE While daycare may sound like an attractive option, it is expensive. Reliable childcare can cost $800/ month or more. Then, there is also the question of quality and accessibility of care. Is it close to home? Are the childcare workers certified and nurturing? Will they care for your baby in the same way that you would? If not, who else can you turn to for your childcare needs or as backup babysitters in an emergency?
You need to know that most daycares have structured hours. This means that you much drop off and pick up your child at designated hours. Your employer may ask you to work hours that do not match the daycare hours. Most daycares are closed if you work in the evenings or weekend.
Keep in mind that grandparents, relative and neighbors may be too busy to watch your child for you. And they may not have the energy or interest to babysit your child for several hours a day. Simply put, good childcare is a challenge for many families to find in America today.
POVERTY The US Census found that for related children under the age of 18 in families with only a single mother, 44.4% were in poverty compared to 11% of related children in married-couple families.4 If you are considering single motherhood, know the facts and ask yourself if you want to raise a child under such potential circumstances.
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What’s
Next?
If you decide that adoption is right for you, Adoption Network is ready and available to help you today. Our Adoption Advisors are on call to help you through every step of the way. They are prepared to assist you in placing your child for adoption with loving Adoptive Parent(s). Here is a list of things you may look forward to:
Birth Mother Adoption Process
Contact Adoption Network at www.AdoptionNetwork.com or call toll free at 1-800-367-2367 Speak with an experienced and compassionate Birth Mother Specialist Complete Birth Mother paperwork If you choose, speak with a peer mentor (Birth Mother who has walked in your shoes) Start prenatal care if you have not already done so (ADOPTION NETWORK can help you find a doctor, assist with transportation and help you secure medical insurance) Work with your Adoption Advisor to select Adoption Parents from Adoption Network’s “Waiting Families” Decide on your comfort level regarding the relationship you wish to have with your Adopting Parent(s) Continue to stay in touch with your Adoption Advisor for support and if you choose, develop the relationship with your Adopting Parent(s) Create your birth plan Meet with your local representation to discuss the legal process Contact your Adoption Advisor when labor begins As needed, receive ongoing counseling and support after the baby is placed with the Adopting Parent(s) Get plenty of rest and allow time for you to work through your limitations Have goals planned for your future and put them into action Spend time with those who have supported you through your adoption 26
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When you wish for COURAGE, believe in yourself When you wish for STRENGTH, know it is always inside of you
When you wish for GUIDANCE, know that we stand together
1-800-367-2367 www.adoptionnetwork.com 27
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