COLUMNS Conflict: It Isn’t All Bad

Psychologist Donald Peterson defines conflict as an interpersonal process that occurs whenever the actions of one person interfere with the actions of another. He shares that conflict can be described in three ways: destructive, adequate, and constructive. In connecting this to relationships, a destructive ending to conflict could lead to separation, an adequate ending could result in compromise, and constructive conflict would lead to improvements within the relationship. Therefore, all conflict is not bad.

Let’s examine a scenario involving hypothetical couple Paula and Dennis regarding quality time spent as a couple. Dennis was invited to play basketball with his friends who he hadn’t seen in quite some time and told Paula that he planned on joining them. Paula was hoping to spend time with him since they both have very busy schedules and don’t have much time for connection. Dennis felt as if they spent time together during the week watching

Love Lessons

Marisa T. Cohen, PhD

TV after they finished work, so didn’t think a couple of hours out with his friends on a weekend would lead to any discord. Paula wanted to make it clear to Dennis that she was happy for him to spend time with his friends, but also wants him to prioritize time spent as a couple. During their exchange about their plans, which at times became heated, she shared, “Dennis, when you make last minute plans with your friends without scheduling time as a couple or talking to me about it in advance, I feel hurt. While we see each other during the week, it often feels rushed and as if we are both distracted. I value spending quality time with you.” This shifted the tone of the conversation and they agreed to make planning time together during the weekends more of a priority going forward. Below are a couple of tips, highlighted by the scenario, to help ensure that heated exchanges remain productive. Using these approaches will lead to a better understanding of your partner rather than damage the relationship.

Articulate your feelings and goals

Avoid only articulating your frustrations (or exaggerations of the facts) such as “You always choose seeing your friends over spending time with me.” Instead, share your feelings. Paula indicated that she felt hurt and insecure. She clearly shared that she would like Dennis to prioritize their time together going forward, and for him to let her know when he wants to see friends in advance.

This communicates to him that she values his desire to spend time with friends, but also wants to be sure that they are intentional when it comes to their connection.

Use “I” Language

When you use I language, you are focusing on the behavior, rather than on attacking your partner. Communicating this way lets your partner know what you are thinking in a non-confrontational manner. Paula was able share what upset her (the last minute plans with friends) and why it stirred that emotion up for her. The alternative to this may be, “You don’t care about me!” The latter would make Dennis much more defensive, as Paula would be making assumptions about him that are not true. In the scenario, she shared her feelings as well as her needs.

Remember conflict is inevitable. Don’t try to avoid it, but rather make it constructive. If you can, you may learn something valuable about your partner and strengthen your relationship.