CORONATION BLEAT

from SLR May 2023 Edition

BUT FIRST, BREAKFAST

Operation Golden Orb is not the title of the next James Bond film but the code name for the coronation of Prince Charles, as Under The Counter keeps calling our new king.

To be fair to UTC, Charles was prince for a considerable time. The only person who can rival his mum for time spent on the throne is possibly the Auld Boy himself, although the less said about his lengthy spells away from his desk with a red face and a Racing Post the better.

The coronation also brought some colour to UTC’s cheeks, when he discovered it cost somewhere between £50m and £100m. This was a lot cheaper than Bond’s last £250m outing. It was also a lot more cheerful.

Try telling that to UTC though, who was outraged that so many of his hard-earned tax dollars got splurged on the ceremony.

The tight-fisted Auld Boy was in a minority though, as Brits blew around £10m on balloons, bunting and banners to mark the big day. The most-searched-for decorations on Amazon were crowns which, at an average cost of £7.34, were considerably cheaper than the actual one plonked on Charlie’s nut.

The St Edwards Crown is valued at upwards of £4m for the materials alone and ironically, as UTC was at great pains to point out, only graced the King’s napper briefly in Westminster Abbey, never to be worn by him again. This, UTC whined, is not good value for money.

By comparison, the Auld Boy’s bunnet, which we hesitate to put a price on, is seldom off his head and does a far better job of keeping his bald spot warm than “any fancy bejewelled number with holes in it”.

Mush Ado About Packing

Sainsbury’s found itself going through the social media meat grinder last month when it started vacuum packing its minced beef – a move that will save more than 450 tonnes of plastic every year.

It also, according to irate shoppers, has turned the mince to mush. Social media comments like “a rectangle of mushed offcuts” and “turns the mince into mush” give you the squished-up picture.

The supermarket giant must have known it was fighting an uphill battle when it put out leaflets headed “New minced beef packaging. Same quality product”.

This didn’t stop one customer said it felt “like I’ve just bought someone’s kidney to cook at home”.

This could well have belonged to Under The Counter. He recently phoned in sick, citing “kidney problems”. As in, he kidney be bothered getting out of bed.

A big fan of mince – both eating it and talking it – the Auld Boy took a keen interest in the story when he finally turned up at SLR Towers.

Channelling his dear, departed mother –who always gave him short shrift if he ever had the temerity to suggest her cooking looked less than appetising – Under The Counter had this suggestion for the Sainsbury’s whingers: “Shut up and eat it. It’ll get turned to mush where it’s going.”

BRU CAN’T FOOL UTC

Under The Counter loves April Fool’s Day. Not because of the japery but because he enjoys spotting all the outrageous stories.

In this age of dumbing down, however, his task is made easier by scribblers who do everything but tack April Fool disclaimers to spoof stories – perhaps to distinguish them from the real fake news.

And so, on 1 April, the Auld Boy wasn’t taken in by news that coconut rum brand Malibu had teamed up with Irn-Bru to launch cans of Mali-Bru on a gullible world.

He almost wished it was true, for it was a belter of a ruse which must have involved a fair bit of to-ing and fro-ing between Pernod Ricard and Barr Soft Drinks. ‘Stockists’ Morrisons and hospitality operator The Scotsman Group were also in on the wheeze.

But the story shows that, as Mark Twain said, there’s no such thing as a new idea.

Painstaking research by UTC (typing ‘Malibru’ into Google) revealed the drink first reared its coconutty head in 2010. Not on 1 April though, but on 1 January – when a recipe was uploaded to the makemeacocktail.com website.

The significance of the date was not lost on the Auld Boy, who was probably right in thinking Malibru was created by desperate Hogmanay revellers who had otherwise drunk the party dry.

Vodka and diluting juice anyone?