HER EDUCATES

EDUCATION

Traditions HOLIDAYS, SPECIAL OCCASIONS, FAMILY

BY MARTHA BROWN

The wedding is just one of many celebrations that a couple will experience during marital life. Birthdays, anniversaries, and vacations are occasions for couples to spend time outside of one’s day-to-day routine. How each person understands these times determines if it is a time of joy or stress in their lives.

For Renee, Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday, and her partner’s favorite holiday was Christmas. They spent one holiday together and the other holiday apart. Frank’s family enjoyed attending extended family dinners, but they often rushed in and out because work determined his family’s arrival and departure from the table. For Lewis, the joy of exchanging gifts was often tainted by the spiteful and sometimes toxic behavior of the giver. He did not want to attend his family gatherings and thought gifts should be given any day not just on special occasions such as Valentine’s Day. His spouse’s experience was the polar opposite of his; however, she followed his lead until they divorced, and she resumed her family’s traditions.

What will our relationships be with extended family? As a couple prepares for their wedding celebration, the conversation should include discussion on how they will continue to celebrate their lives together among family and friends. For instance, will we celebrate Mother’s Day? One woman was surprised by her husband’s tradition of visiting the cemetery after his mother died. For him, the celebration of his mother did not end at death but continued at the grave. If your partner shares with you 40 years of portraits with smiling faces dressed in matching T-shirts, and you have not spoken to your sister in five years, it may be worth exploring how you intend to relate to extended family.

Compromise has been one way couples have navigated making decisions, solving problems, and addressing conflict. For Frank’s family, this worked. Capitulating is another way some couples choose to make decisions. Lewis’ spouse chose this option until she recognized discounting herself was not making her happy. So, what is left, persuasion, avoidance, coercion? Over a period of time, these styles of processing conflict erode the relationship because one or both people are not satisfied with the outcome.

I would like to suggest collaboration. Collaboration is an investment of a couple’s time that yields greater satisfaction and outcomes. Talk and listen to your partner for understanding and determining what works for both of you. It is not one conversation but communication that occurs throughout the relationship that allows experiences to be heard and respected, perspectives to be shared and possibly changed, and solutions to be evaluated as they are implemented to determine if they are working.

The wedding and reception are not the only celebrations a couple will need to discuss with their wedding officiant or therapist. Renee’s attitude about Christmas changed over time because she and her partner allowed themselves space to talk and listen to each other. Communication skills will help couples to navigate holidays, special occasions, and family traditions throughout their relationship.

Martha Brown, is a board certifed chaplain and interpersonal communication instructor. She is the founder of the company i planned 4 marriage and currently ofers communication courses for individuals, couples & businesses.

For more information, visit the website www. iplanned4marriage.com or email Martha at info@iplanned4marriage.com.

32 Her — February 2022 www.reflector.com/her