Akin Families: Introduction To Older Child Adoption by Joy Ohler

Akin Families FINDING FOREVER FAMILIES FOR OLDER CHILDREN

INTRODUCTION TO OLDER CHILD ADOPTION

Akin Families FINDING FOREVER FAMILIES FOR OLDER CHILDREN

iNTrODUCTiON TO OlDEr ChilD ADOPTiON

Table of Contents Foreword

overview

Making the Decision Why do you want to adopt?

Adoption History

Who do you want to adopt?

Who are the older children?

Story: Michael

Who should you talk to and where should you go?

Story: Jeannie What does it mean to belong to a family and have a permanent home?

What kind of adoption is right for you?

What are your expectations?

The Joys And Rewards Of Being An Adoptive Parent Of An Older Child

The adoption Process

The Initial Meeting

Adoption Process Timeline

Pre-placement Visits

Home Study Process

The Referral

Travelling To Get Your Child

What if it’s not right for you?

Your Child Is Finally Home

Being Matched With Your Child

The “Honeymoon” Period

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What can you do while waiting?

What if you don’t love your child? Story: Leticia

How To Deal With Negative Reactions From Family And Friends

Key Strategies To A Successful Older Child Adoption

Story: Allison

Story: Vincent

What else can you do to pass the time?

Adoption Glossary

Bibliography

a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo r e v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dr en

Copyright ÂŠ 2011 Joy Ohler 0 0 9 4 7 5 3 4 All rights reserved. Academy of Art University MFA Graphic Design No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission. First Edition: November 2011 For more information, call 415.370.2844 or email info@akinfamilies.com www.akinfamilies.com

Story: Vincent-58

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on fo rewo r d

Foreword People are always surprised whenever I tell them that my thesis is about older child adoption. They never associate design with such subject matter. I chose this topic because family is very important to me. I cannot imagine how a child who does not have a support system gets through the developmental years of his life. It is a big challenge for me since my family background is the opposite. I came from a tight-knit family. In fact, the reason why I moved here to the United States is because all of my dad’s siblings are here and we were the only part of the family in the Philippines. My relatives want to be together all the time and I felt like I need to learn how to appreciate having such a big family. I wanted to use my expertise in design and advertising to provide accessible unbiased information about older child adoption and change the public’s negative impression of older child adoptees with the goal to increase the adoptable older children’s chance to belong to a family and have a better opportunity in life. Someone warned me that my topic can be dark and might drag me down or even cause depression. Plus I do not have the personal experience to draw upon and did not know anything about older child adoption. I had doubts. I’ve been ignored and turned down dozens of times by people I’ve approached and thought I could potentially work with and at some point almost gave up. But when I thought about it more I felt like I would be abandoning the children in some way if I do not continue with my thesis— I knew what the problem was and I had some ideas on how to solve it. Why would I walk away from it? This has been my motivation throughout my thesis journey.

a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo r e v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dr en

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on ov erv i ew

Adoption History

Our society has shifted from being focused on providing children for child-less parents to being more concerned with providing parents for parent-less children.

For the ancient Greeks and Roman, adoptions were arranged to acquire an heir to perpetuate the family name, and to give continuity to a family line. Among South African tribes it is said that when “The head of a krall passes away without leaving a son—his village has departed, his name is broken.” Adoption among primitive groups was often for the purpose of making a captive, or a member of an “out-group,” a member of the “in group” of the tribe, thus enhancing the economic and military power of the captors. In the early history of adoption, the emphasis in the codes and legal arrangements indicated a primary concern with parents’ rights and interests. More recent adoption legislation centers on the protection of the child as the paramount concern.

a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo r e v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dren

Who are the older children?

“Older children” are those who are five years and older. Most of the older children have been removed from their families.

As a result of abuse or neglect, older children are labeled “unadoptable,” destined

Domestic

to spend their childhoods in the foster care system. They are often moved from

The United States is one of a handful of countries that remove children from

home to home and many of them ultimately land in group homes. Today, the

their biological parents for reasons of abuse and neglect. Many countries do

availability of infants has decreased dramatically due to birth control, social

not, simply because their government do not have the means support them.

acceptance of the single parent and legalized pregnancy termination. Prospective

Children seldom enter America’s foster care system as true orphans. Most have

adoptive parents have begun to consider non-infants, a category that has rapidly

suffered years of neglect and /or abuse. Often, the children who eventually

expanded to include considerably older children and those with special medical

become available for adoption have moved in and out of foster care numerous

and psychological needs. An entirely new component of the adoption system has

times. Many are continually returned to abusive or neglectful homes after

emerged, and it continues to drive many adoptions.

parents take minimal steps to convince the court that they have changed. Children are seldom returned to the same foster family when they reenter care, further disrupting their lives. International Internationally, some children are removed from their homes for abuse and neglect, but many enter orphanages either because their parents have died or because poverty makes it impossible for their families to support them. Some children have medical conditions that cannot be easily treated in their countries or that would pose impossible financial or emotional hardships for them and their families. Most children may suffer from malnutrition or other physical effects of poverty.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on ov erv i ew

Jeannie

Jeannie entered the system at the age of eight, a victim of both sexual and physical abuse imposed by her birth father and four brother since she was five. The placement process separated her from her birth sisters who were adopted by an out-of-state family who refused to allow here any contact with her siblings. While in foster, care Jeannie was moved five times because of her behaviors. Stealing, lying and running away became her way of life. She eventually landed in a juvenile justice facility where she was incarcerated for theft. When it came time for her release, she was a confused and angry thirteen-year-oldâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;with no preparation for the outside world and nowhere to go. An inexperienced single woman agreed to take jeannie in. Supported by the placing agency, her therapist, and her family and her friends, she rose to the challenge of parenting a difficult child. Jeannie on the other hand, tried everything she could, to drive her new mother away. When she ran away, her mother picked her up at the police station. When she stole from a local store,

her mother made her repay the owner. When she screamed, “You’re not my mom!” she readily agreed but demanded respect in spite of the fact. After several years, Jeannie began to trust that her new mother was different from other families she had experienced. Here, Jeannie felt she could grow up safely. She finally abandoned her defenses and attached to her mother. Slowly, significant changes began to take place in her life. One of her biggest problems was a fear of closeness and physical affection—the result of her early sexual abuse and Jeannie’s adoptive mom began working on this during their early days together. She started by giving her daughter gentle back rubs and brushing her hair while they watched television. With the help of an attachment therapist, she began to do holdings with Jeannie. Jeannie ultimately learned that touch could be safe and she began to look forward to special close times with her mom. Jeannie’s initial discomfort with any show of affection gave a way to an acceptance of emotional displays. She empathized with the feelings of others and cried when she felt sad. Over time, her fear of intimacy reversed itself and she was capable of having close friends and dating like any other teen. Jeannie gained a family and a future. She recently graduated from college and now has a job in the medical field. She is engaged to be married and is planning a big wedding. While those who claimed to know her best predicted that she would be a high school dropout and pregnant by fifteen, Jeannie loved proving them wrong. And not only has Jeannie’s life changed, but so have the lives of the children who are to be born to her. Today, instead of leaning on the system, Jeannie contributes to it. With a family to depend on, she is interrupting the inter-generational cycle of abuse. Adopting the Hurt Child, Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky

a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo re v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dren

What does it mean to belong to a family and have a permanent home?

belongingness and permanency

What will be the best for a child who is a legal orphan is a well-planned

It is for the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best interest to remain with his birth familyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;if it is a safe

permanency. When a child joins a new family, permanency is established. He

and nurturing home. Sometimes that is not the case; unfortunately, there are many

becomes a part of a home once again. This acceptance can be foreign and

homes that are dangerous and damaging for a child. Homes where the child is

frightening because of his past but he will eventually accept the joys, sorrows,

abused, neglected and abandoned. In homes like these, a child must be moved

connections and complexities that are part of belonging to a family. Once

into a permanent home where he can begin to heal and continue to grow to his

a child begins to heal, he will be more open about himself, his feelings and his

potential. In most cases, permanency is not achieved until later. A child is placed

past. He will loosen up and will not feel like he had to be in control of every

temporary living arrangements and is moved multiple times. The lack of perma-

situation. He will start to trust the people around him and believe that he has

nency is damaging to the children, frustrating to foster parents and professionals,

a better future. He will have hope.

complicating for adoptive parents and of no help to birth parents. Careless and unreasonable removal of children from their home is not ideal nor ignoring their unsafe living situation is.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on ov erv i ew

a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo re v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dren

The Joys And Rewards Of Being An Adoptive Parent Of An Older Child

The feeling of satisfaction with your child’s achievements

Knowing you have overcome difficult obstacles

Aside from skipping the diaper-changing stage, adoptive parents of older children

Becoming a parent means seeing the world through a child’s perspective.

has other more meaningful reasons why they choose to adopt an older child. No

It’s not just your child who learn from you as an individual also learn from

parent can deny that they love the feeling of satisfaction they get in their child’s

your child. Remembering one’s own childhood experiences; developing

achievements. Either social, academic, athletic, artistic or in the community,

toward a greater maturity as a result of responding to parents’ responsibilities.

there is a sense of accomplishment for the parents how successful their child is and that they helped him to get there.

“I wanted to be a mother someday, but never felt a need to have a biological child. I have always wanted to adopt, and after visiting an orphanage, I realize how easy it is to fall in love with children of different ages.” — Laura, Prospective Adoptive Mother

â&#x20AC;&#x153;A child is a child, biological or adopted; A parent is a parent, biological or adoptive. The living experience of parents caring for, protecting, loving, educating and worrying over their children is fundamentally similar whatever the differences regarding the genesis of the parent-child relationship.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Alfred Kadushin Author, Adopting the Older Children

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on

M ak i ng t h e decisi on

Why do you want to adopt?

Once the thought of adoption comes to mind, you must thoroughly examine your motives to determine what expectations you hope to fulfill from adoption.

If your decision to adopt arose from personal loss such as failure to conceive or loss of a birth child, you must examine and know where you are on your grief cycle to maximize your ability to help and accept a new child. Remember, the child is experiencing or has experienced loss at some point as well. After all, adoption is about loss and facing that loss is one of the first steps in a healing process. It is important for you to evaluate how bereavement is handled in your family so the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s loss can be addressed properly. Those who rely on silence or denial to get through the grieving process will have a hard time helping a child who may need to talk about losing his birth family. Recognizing the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s emotional needs and adapting to meet them better will ultimately help all the family members.* Adoptive families come in all shapes, sizes, religion, colors, sexes and conditions. While adoption provides an end to childlessness, it does not alter the fact that some adoptive parents are not able to have birth children at the moment of adoption. Dealing honestly and openly with their feelings is necessary if they are to rise effectively to the challenges of adopting a child with special needs.

* Adopting the Hurt Child, Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky

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Who do you want to adopt?

Adopting involves making many decisions and every decision you make must be well thought out. Consider everything when you’re deciding about your adoption.

number of children

health condition

Most families are comfortable adding one child at a time and most professionals

At some point during the adoption process, you will likely be asked to fill out

agree that this is the most natural way to build a family. Each child can have

a form asking which disabilities you are comfortable with and willing to accept.

their turn to be in the spotlight and parents will have more time to spend helping

These disabilities are physical, emotional and behavioral. Some parents do not

the child adjust to his new family. However, there are sibling groups that are

want to appear “picky” and feel pressured to accept disabilities that they are not

available for adoption, as well. Adopting sibling groups has its own benefits. The

really comfortable with. You will not be doing yourself, your agency nor the

children might be more comfortable moving into a new home when they know

child any favor by accepting a disability that you are not comfortable with and

they have each other. They can help each other every step of the way and they

you do not feel qualified to deal with. Most social workers will understand

can also maintain biological bond that other adoptees feel is missing in their lives.

that families have different expectations and limits.

Age

race/ethnicity

There are several things to consider when deciding on an age. First is your age.

Many families adopt transracially with great success but not everyone thinks that

Many domestic agencies have a minimum age restriction while some states and

transracial adoption is good for the child. It is common. However, for agencies

countries have rules about parent-child age gap. Since the age of the parent can

to seek parents of the same race first, which can be frustrating for some adoptive

be considered as a liability—under thirty or over fifty—you should find out from

parents. In deciding to adopt a child of a different race, it is crucial that you

which agencies and /or countries you are eligible to adopt.

consider how your extended family, friends and community will react. Only you

Another consideration to make is the age of the children that are already in you family and their birth order. Usually the new child would be the youngest but in some cases an adoptive family does not mind disturbing the birth order. You should talk with your children to determine how the feel about the age of their future sibling.

can decide whether you need full family support for your adoption. Keep in mind that children are often very aware of the subtle nonverbal reaction of people and may sense underlying prejudice. Some families report, though that family members were non-supportive before the adoption but changed their minds once they met the child.

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a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo r e v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dr en

resources

Other than race, the most common decision point between international or

The obvious costs of adoption agency fees, legal fees and the home study needed

domestic adoption is the cost. Some families who adopt domestically generally

for adoption approval. But you also have to consider other expenses, such as

feel that there are enough children in their own community who needs a home.

a medical examination, vaccination, therapy, document processing and copying

Families who adopt internationally however often mention that it is easier to find

fees. You must also keep in mind the everyday child-rearing expenses when

available children without major emotional or physical disabilities. While some

the child is finally home. Some counties or states offer a subsidy or other kinds

families decide to adopt internationally after learning that they are not qualified

of financial assistance to adoptive families. International adoption is generally

for a domestic adoption or after an unsuccessful domestic adoption.

more costly. A big factor of the cost is the travel expenses. The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services also charge a fee for filing a petition for adoption of a foreign-born child. Along with the petition , you also must submit a dossier of the required documents. Once the child is in a home some adoptive families are surprised with additional medical and dental care that the child will need.

Michael

Michael was in class for developmentally handicapped children. Still he was getting all failing marksâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;an almost impossible feat in a class designed to prevent failure and bolster self-esteem. Michaelâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s parents and teachers felt he was much brighter than the tests reflected; ultimately, his therapist agreed. Yet Michael acted as dumb as he could. He spoke strangely, slowly, incorrectly, and in a chronic whine. Strangers often thought something was wrong with him, and they were right. But what was wrong was not what they thought. After treatment, Michael was retested. His measured IQ jumped thirty points over earlier scores. Michael had not gotten smarter, he head improved his mental outlook and emotional state enough that he no longer needed to act dumb.

Adopting the Hurt Child, Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky

“Well this is one thing about having a child, you learn from the child. I mean the child teaches you as well as you teaching the child.” — Adoptive Father

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on

M ak i ng t h e decisi on

Who should you talk to and where should you go? When prospective parents decide to adopt, it can leads to more questions. They can easily become overwhelmed with information, have more questions and be pressured to make decisions.

Keep in mind that this is your family that you are building. Talking to the right person will make a big difference in your future decisions. One of the first major decisions is whether to adopt domestically or from abroad? When faced with this dilemma, you should do your best to research as much as you can about each of these options. You must consider all the aspects that each avenue entails and compare it with your preferences and needs. The most common factors are waiting time, fees, availability of children, eligibility of parents, legal concerns and medical and social histories. Whether you decide to adopt domestically or internationally, the most important point is to choose an adoption plan that you are most comfortable with.

a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo r e v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dr en

What kind of adoption is right for you?

domestic adoption

inter-country/ international adoption

If you decided to adopt domestically, you will need to contact your local

If you have decided to adopt from a different country, you will most likely have

department of social services or find an agency that can assist you with your

to work with two or three different agencies. One of the first few things

adoption. While local agencies are typically small agencies that serve a specific

you should do is order the Report on Inter-country Adoption from International

geographic area, such as a particular city or state, national agencies are licensed

Concerns for Children. It is typical these days that adoptive parents look at

to work throughout the country. Both options have their sets of advantages and

international photo listings before choosing an agency. Make sure you thoroughly

disadvantages. You must weigh these options and decide which suits you best..

examine the credibility of the agency of your choice. Also look at the list of countries that the agency works with before signing off anything with them. Claims of a relatively new agency doing adoptions faster and better than any other agencyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;say an agency with 20 years of experienceâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;should raise a red flag. Keep in mind that this is your adoption, your child. Even if you cannot justify your decisions from where or who to adopt to others or even yourself, your gut instincts count.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on

Local agency

advantages

» Staff and client list is small which results in easier communication » Adoption fees can be less due to lower overhead » Adoptive parents do not have to travel outside of their geographic area

M ak i ng t h e decisi on

national agency » Large qualified and trained social department with vast adoption experience » Shorter waiting time due to having greater resources and networking connections » Larger staff allows for a team of staff to work with you on your adoption plan which means more efficient workloads and faster turnaround

disadvantages

» Low number of adoptions provides less expertise than larger organizations in evaluating and guiding their clients through the adoption process which can lead to inconsistent experience

» Fees can be more due to higher overhead and travel expenses » Adoptive parents must be open to adopting from all 50 states

» Higher susceptibility to staff turnover

» Are not willing to travel to a different best if you:

state to adopt

» Are willing and have a flexible schedule to travel on a short notice

» Are not focused on waiting time

» Want to adopt in a timely manner

» Would like to communicate in-person

» Are comfortable with communicating with your case

with your case worker most of the time

worker without meeting him in person » Are comfortable working with a larger organization » Have a larger budget

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i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on

M ak i ng t h e decisi on

What are your expectations?

The parents who succeed are not better parents, nor do they adopt children who are easier to raise. Rather, successful families are well-informed, have realistic expectations and the appropriate support.

Parents owe it to themselves and their future child to determine whether they have the resources and qualities needed to make the adoption successful. Adoptive parents are not unique. Some find that parenting comes naturally, while others have to really work at it. Many people underestimate their own ability to handle difficult situations. Families often find that managing the issues and successfully arriving on the other side enriches their lives. Successful adoptive parents have learned about the challenges and they have experimented with techniques and supports that have enabled them to find joy and meaning in their adoption-created family. The complications of achieving a successful older child adoption are not all caused by the child and his behavior. Adoptive parents often have expectations and beliefs that make it difficult for a family to adjust when the new child becomes part of the family. These are the challenges that you might stumble upon and can shake up your family structure, relationships and commitment to your child.

a k i n fa m i l i es

Fi N D i N G F O rE v Er FA M i l i Es F O r O l DEr Ch i l DrEN

Adoption Process Timeline

? learn about aDoption | 1–3 months

home stuDy process | 6 –9 months

referral | 3– 6 months

$00-250 | books and magazines

$300-1500 | partial agency fee

$300-1500 | Usually a half or

Join an adoptive parent support group,

Discuss home study questions with your

third of the agency fee

read books, magazines and web sites

spouse/partner and other family members.

Arrange for referral documentation

about adoption. Attend a pre-adoption

Next collect documents, such as references,

review by medical specialist.

information seminar either in person

birth certificates, tax returns, marriage

Find out what questions to ask and

or online.

certificate, and /or divorce documents. For

signs to look for. if independent,

international adoption, prepare dossier

make payment arrangements with

and file U.s. visa paperwork. Work with your

medical providers.

home study provider on tasks specific to his or her process.

DeciDe the type of aDoption | 3– 6 months begin to assess finances Understand financial implications of the different types of adoption and review country overviews if adopting internationally.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

Placement of your child | 12â&#x20AC;&#x201C;24 Months

Finalization of adoption | 3â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 6 Months

congratulations!

outstanding agency fees

$500-3000 | court and lawyer fees

You can now truly call each other

Enjoy! You are a new parent! Find professional

Arrange for post-placement reports as required.

family and continue to grow your

suggestions for bonding with your child and

Select attorney for final court hearing, or learn

relationship together.

learn how other parents forged an attachment.

how to represent yourself.

Please note that the timeline above represents an estimated adoption process time. Each adoption is different depending on various circumstances.

1-3 months

Orientation

home visits

background check

training and/or seminars

interview

medical check-up and report

financial statement

autobiographical statement

references

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

The Home Study Process Home study is not done by agencies to look for the perfect parents. Instead, they are looking for the right match between the child’s needs and a family’s needs and the family’s ability to meet the child’s needs.

In order to adopt, prospective parents are required to go through the home study process. There are three main purposes for this procedure; first is to educate and prepare the family for adoption; second is to evaluate the capability of the adoptive family; and most importantly, it gathers information about the prospective parents that will guide case worker to match the family with the right child whose needs they can meet. Prospective parents should not be anxious about the home study process. Home study is not done to scrutinize the parents. With a thorough understanding, they should go through the procedure with the confidence and excitement of becoming a parent soon. orientation An informational session educates the prospective parents about the agency, the child that is best for them and their family and the adoption process. These sessions are mostly free and does not require a commitment.

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trainings and/or seminars

home visits

Depending on the agency. Training for prospective parents may be required

During your home visits, your social worker will ask you questions, such as

before or during the home study process. These trainings guide parents to

where your child will sleep and what have you done to prepare a space for him.

understand the needs of children waiting, issues and agency requirements. Going

They will also ensure that your home is a safe environment for a child. Some

through the training can help a family to decide what type of child they would

states may require inspections from local health and fire authorities aside from

like to adopt and how to parent a child successfully.

your social worker.

interview

medical check up and report

Home study is a two-way process. Interviews will help you to be more comfortable

Most agencies require recent physical examination and a statement from

with your social worker and will help him get to know you and your family.

the physician that you are healthy, physically and mentally. You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have

This is also your chance to bring up any concerns and questions you have about

to be perfectly healthy, but you have to prove that you are capable to take

your adoption, parenting or the process. Your social worker may ask you about

care of a child.

the challenges you may have to face as an adoptive family and you may also be required to do additional reading or take parenting classes. Your social worker can help you navigate through those issues and point you to the right experts or professionals if you need outside help.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

financial statement

autobiographical statement

You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to be rich to adopt, but you will need to show that you can take

You might also be asked to write an autobiographical statement or story. Telling

care of your finances responsibly and adequately. You may be asked to provide

the story of your life in writing helps the social worker understand your family

copies of your pay stubs, W-4 forms or income tax forms. Some agencies might

better and assists him in writing the home study report. You may also be asked

also ask about savings, insurance policies, investments and debts.

to create a family album or scrapbook to be shared with your adoptive child. It

background check All states require criminal and child abuse record checks for adoptive parents. State and Federal clearances may also be required in several states. The findings of background checks affect the eligibility for adoptive parents. However, do not hesitate to talk to social workers and agencies you are considering about

will help your child to be familiar with what to expect when he or she move in with you. This will also help you explore issues or questions you have related to parenting and adoption. Most of the time, the agency will give you a set of questions or guidelines to help you write your autobiography and some agencies have social workers that assist you in writing.

specific situations that might disqualify you from adopting. Your past experiences,

references

how you dealt with them, what youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve learned and how you would use that

Your agency will ask you for names and contact information of about three

knowledge in parenting a child, will be considered by your adoption agency.

people who have seen you in different situations, have visited your home

Some agencies are willing to work with your family depending on the incident

and know your interest in and involvement with children. Some agencies will

that you were involved in.

require non-relative references. Close friends, employers, former teachers, co-workers, neighbors or leaders in your faith community are good references.

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The Referral

This is one of the most exciting and panic-provoking moments of the adoption process. These feelings are normal. In spite of everything, this is a life-changing decision that will soon happen.

After going through a large amount of paper work and the home study process, which may have seemed like forever to be completed, a long-awaited phone call from your social worker will come; You have been matched with a child. The referral typically includes the photo of your child and all the information available to the agency. If you are adopting domestically, the packet should include family, educational, medical and psychological histories. You should also check the relinquishment documents carefully to make sure that the appropriate releases have been signed and completed. With most international adoptions, only basic information is available. For example, it may only say that your child is in third grade and is healthy. You should coordinate with your agency to make sure that they give you as much information as you can have to be prepared for your child. Take the medical information you received to a doctor for an evaluation. Some doctors in the United States might not be familiar with the medical problems of international adoptees however there are clinics that specializes in these types of cases.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

What if it’s not for you?

Deciding whether to accept a referral is not easy, but you should not feel obliged to accept a child you do not really feel like you’ve connected with. You should openly speak with your agency about any concerns you have before accepting a referral. Most agencies will understand if you feel unable to parent a child with disabilities. A parent might be tempted to accept a child with significant disability that they feel unable to cope with. Keep in mind that part of this adoption is fulfilling your needs, too. You are starting to build a family. If you think this is your child, go for it. Adopt him because you think he is the right child for you, he will fulfill any longing you have for a child not because you fear for the quality of his life. losing a referral Unfortunately, some parents become attached to a child even before the child has moved in. There are parents who can even be attached to a child through photograph and reports, only to lose the referral later. There are different reasons for losing a referral. Some children are suddenly reclaimed by a relative after being in the orphanage for years and social services assumed that the termination of parental rights will happen but situations can change. Remember, no matter what, the birth family is always in favor. While some children are referred to two families by the agency to ensure placement. If you happen to lose a referral, do not be discouraged. There are other children who are waiting to have a parent like you. The best way to cope up with a lost referral is to properly say goodbye in some form. It doesn’t have to be a personal goodbye to the child, you can “kiss” the paperworks and photographs goodbye and wish the child and his family luck.

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Being Matched With Your Child Adoptive parents’ commitment is very different from birth parents because every day of the adoption process gives you an opportunity to change your mind.

You might come to a phase where you question your decisions while “waiting” for your child. Generally, international adoption takes longer but there are cases when domestic adoption can be lengthy, too. The waiting period varies on the circumstances of your child. For example, your adoption might be delayed because your son has to finish the school year in his foster home. You may also be required to visit your child multiple times before he can finally move in with you.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

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What can you do while waiting?

Yourself

the child

It may be difficult to know what to expect when your child gets home. The best

Some agencies suggest parents send their photographs or an album to their child

thing you can do is to try to prepare yourself for the big change that your family

before the placement so the child can familiarize himself with his new family and

is about to experience. If you haven’t already started, this would be the best time

his home. Photographs of all the members of the family, family activities, pets,

to start reading about older child adoption. You should start with basic books,

the house, rooms of the house, the child’s room the yard are recommended.

web sites, blogs and move your way up to more serious issues that you might encounter during your adoption. Another helpful resource are parent groups and support groups, this is a great way to seek out adoptive families and get answers to your questions. You should join one if you’re not a member yet. You are not alone; many parents are left in the dark to navigate the education process on their own. You should educate yourself enough so that you don’t immediately jump to wrong conclusions when something goes wrong with your child. Some agencies require classes, readings and discussions, but some parents come into these preparation sessions with “That won’t happen to me” attitude and later say, “No one ever told me this could happen.” You have to face the reality that anything can happen and the best way to deal with it is to prepare.

The social worker representing the child is usually the one who would primarily prepare him for the adoption. The social worker may help the child to start a life book if he doesn’t have one yet. A life book records a child’s life from birth to adoption. It can answer the big questions that a child has about who he is, where he is from and about his birth family. A life book contains photographs, drawings, stories and other keepsakes that tell the story of the child’s life. Life books are very useful for children who have moved multiple times. Having many homes can be confusing for a child and caregivers; it is easy to mix up places and people. the child’s room One of the most exciting and fun aspects of waiting for your child is preparing his room. Most families think of it as a way of claiming their child and a child often enjoys seeing his new family plan a place for him to stay and that you are enthusiastic about his arrival. However, you might want to leave some things for your child to pick out so he can be a part of the process and he can personalize their room. You can ask him what color he would like his room to be,

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

paint his bedroom walls while waiting and then let him pick out the decorations

Having a realistic discussion with your children about the adoption can uncover

when he comes home. Sometimes the parents’ excitement may cause the child to

their reservations or objections. You should also talk to them about ways they

feel overwhelmed; you should be careful about giving your child too many new

can be more comfortable with the idea. A lot of children have good thoughts

clothes, toys or even a vacation that may be too intense, such as going to Disney

about having a sibling but are unrealistic about the adjustment period. If your

World a few days after his arrival. siblings

child is not old enough to understand what is about to change with his family, a good way to educate him is to tell stories. For example you can ask him what he would do if he’s playing with his new brother and his brother suddenly

If you already have children at home, it is necessary to prepare them. While some

breaks his toy? You should discuss with him the best way to deal with this kind

children get excited by the idea of having another child in their home, others

of situation.

hesitate. The decision to adopt is yours, but you must also consider your children’s feelings and thoughts. If your children are old enough to comprehend both the

Family & Friends

rewards and difficulties that might come up, they should be able to express their

The “wait” can be intense, but keep in mind this period can also be the right

opinions. Keep in mind that successful older child adoption requires commitment

time to prepare for the arrival of you child. The first thing most parents do after

of the parents, child and your other children. A child who strongly rejects the

the referral is to announce the arrival of their child to their family and friends.

idea of having a new sibling can possibly disrupt an adoption.

The people around you can have mixed reactions, but keep in mind that this is your adoption, this will be your child and most of the negative reactions are provoked by love and worry for you. You can prove to them that you made the right decision later when your child is home.

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How To Deal With Negative Reactions From Family And Friends

» Be sure of what you want before you tell them and be ready to explain why you have made this decision. » Bring up some of your own concerns about adoption, how you addressed them and your conclusions. » Acknowledge the risks involved in adopting an older child and what you plan to do in case of sever emotional or behavioral problems. » If your child has known disabilities, explain the problem and your child’s limitations openly and honestly. » Answer any questions they have if they present those questions in a calm, rational way. » Explain how you think the adoption will affect you other kids, and what you are doing to prepare and protect them. » Remind them that this is your decision, that you made it carefully, and that you would appreciate their support.

» Offer to give them names and numbers of other grandparents or extended families for support or to sign them up for a grandparents group if your agency offers one. » Recommend books and articles about adoption. » Remember that even if you do all these things, your family and friends may still not support your decision, so seek out other adopting parents for support. » Keep your hopes up. Most families do come around after the children are home.

Allison

Allison’s mother just plainly said, “We could never love a child who is not ours!” It upset Allison so much and it really put a damper in things. Her parents are very concerned with what others think and her parents didn’t think Russian grandchildren would go over too well in their circle of friends. Once Allison’s parents found out their friends thought it was a good thing they started saying things like, “Oooh we have the most beautiful grandchildren in the whole world and they’re extremely bring too!” The whole thing was a really bad experience.

Adopting the Hurt Child, Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky

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What else can you do to pass the time? While families are usually eager to prepare a room and a book for their new child, these activities occur fairly early on during the waiting period. After that initial flurry of activities, the wait seems to stretch before you, like a never-ending road.

A group of families shared these suggestions for waiting parents: » Double your agency’s estimated “wait time” so you’ll be pleasantly surprised. » Read, read, read. Read books about adoption, parenting, culture and travel. » Join a support group for adoptive parents, either online or in your community. » Arrange loose photos in albums. Your child will love looking at them when he gets home. » Remodel a section of your house. » Install safety gadgets in your house. » Take a first aid or CPR class. » Learn to cook food from your child’s culture. » Take a trip.

“To love and help and care for is the most natural thing in the world and this is the biggest joy I’ve had—being able to love and take care of these children.” — Nancy, Adoptive Mother

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The Initial Meeting

There is no particular way to know how parents will feel when they meet their child for the first time. Some parents panic; that feeling is normal.

This is your long awaited day; you will finally get to meet your child. As a parent you might be excited, anxious, relieved or even feel unprepared when this day comes. You made a life-changing decision and it is all coming together. Most parents say that the rush of panic decreases within a day of their initial meeting with their child. One thing you should never expect is for your child to rush in your arms. The child will more likely to be nervous and scared. They will avoid eye contact, will not express a feeling of gratitude or will not be affectionate. If you are nervous or scared, just imagine how your child feels.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

Pre-placement Visits

This is definitely an exciting time for you but keep in mind not to overwhelm your child. Try to limit your visits as much as you can. Your child may also visit your home.

If you’re adopting within your state, you will have the chance to visit your child and spend some time with him before he moves in with you. When spending time together, try to keep your activities simple as you may set up unrealistic expectations of your family life with major trips and outings. It’s best to take him to places that do not have too many distractions. Remember that the purpose of your visits is to get to know each other. A child can also give you unrealistic expectations of their behavior by behaving well all the time. Some children are on their best behavior during visits and wait until they are completely settled and comfortable in their new homes before they show their testing behavior. Do not be discourage. Instead be open for all the normal adjustment problems even if all your visits go well. Permanence can be a scary commitment to a child. They may have doubts and change that is about to happen can throw him off balance. Your social worker or the child’s foster parent can be an invaluable link between you and your child. You may want to discuss the child’s move during your last visit to ease your child’s anxiety. Knowing what to expect may help your child feel more comfortable on his moving day.

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Travelling To Get Your Child

While traveling can be exciting, it can also be stressful especially if you are going to a different country. Those feelings can be intensified by knowing that you are going there to meet your child for the first time and bring him home.

If you are adopting out of state or overseas, you may have to travel to pick up your

Buying clothes for your child can also be exciting and fun. Clothes which sizes

child. Doing research and knowing as much as you can are the best things that

does not have to be exact such as sweat pants, t-shirts or leggings, are highly

you can do to ease the tension. Most families make their trip fun, especially after

recommended since you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know exactly what size your child is. Remember

meeting their child. Some overseas agencies conduct tours for the adopted

not to overwhelm your child; a couple of new outfits would be enough.

parents to give parents a deeper understanding of their childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s culture. Visiting

It is also important that you get the right immunizations to travel. Check with

your childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s place of origin will also give a chance to see him in an environment

your doctor and ask him about the food and water safety and the recommended

where he is comfortable. You can observe how your child interacts with other

vaccines by the Center for Disease Control. Also ask your doctor if he would

people in a familiar surrounding and it will also be easier for him to accept you if

be willing to prescribe you anti-diarrheal, nausea and antibiotics. Bring some

he is not trying to adjust to a new place, culture and all the other activities that

over the counter medicine that you might need but may not be available at

are happening around him.

your travel destination.

Bringing a small gift to your child can help break the ice. If you child is in a group home, you may also want to bring small items for all the other children. Experienced families recommend stickers, inflatable beach balls, water guns, snacks and treats.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

Bringing Your Other Children If you have other children, you may want to take them with you, but usually the finances greatly impacts this decision. International travel can be expensive. Make a careful decision and consider the pros and cons of taking your other children with you.

Below is an outline that can help you determine if you should take your other children or not? » What kind of travelers are they? » Do they easily get upset with changes? » Will they be willing to try new food or will they demand pizza and burgers all the time? » Can they understand and let their new sibling get most of the attention for at least a few days? » What are the health risks associated with the state or country you’re about to visit? » Are they going to be comfortable and willing to get any immunizations that are necessary for traveling?

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Your Child Is Finally Home

Although no matter how many times you visited your child or he visited your home, he will still feel like a visitor until he truly settles in.

When your child is old enough to develop personality traits, there may be some you wish he didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have. One parent reports that after the initial adjustment, her son became more relaxed and dropped some of his most annoying habits. She knew it must have been nervousness on his part, but it was still hard to deal with. Many parents have similar reactions to their new children. This is just one of the many profound differences between older child adoption and infant adoption. You might also find that you lack parental feeling for your new child. The same way you shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t expect your child to love you back right away.

“I loved that kid before I ever walked across the courtyard to give him a hug; I didn’t like him for probably three to six weeks after that. He came with an incredibly annoying Woody Woodpecker laugh.” — Deanna about her son, adopted at eight

a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo re v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dr en

The “Honeymoon” Period

The honeymoon period is a time when your child is still trying to figure you out and how the adoption affects him. It is also the time when you and your entire family will try to do anything to make your new child comfortable and feel at home.

Like many children, your child might put their best behavior forward for the first

Virtually all parents agree that assigning your child chores from the beginning

few days, weeks or even months. You may all feel like you are just entertaining

is a big step in helping him feel like part of the family. The longer you treat your

a house guest. With everyone being extra nice to each other, the balance in your

child as a guest, the longer he will feel like one. Sometimes parents forget the

household might be thrown. Put it this way, no matter how much you like

impact of the adjustment period to themselves. You may expect yourself to love

entertaining guests or how much you care for your them, it is still a relief when

and be thrilled to have your new child at home during the honeymoon period

they leave and everything goes back to normal. You will feel the same way with

but later those feelings may fade. By giving yourself the same amount of under-

your new child. Don’t be surprised if after a few weeks you’re thinking, “When is

standing and patience, attachment to your child will follow.

this kid getting picked up by his parents?” Your child, too, will feel the tensions.

Your Other Children At Home

Your Adjustment

For most children, there’s nothing more exciting than getting a new sibling.

Whether you go through the honeymoon period or not, the sooner everyone in

This excitement wears off eventually and then the real effort of how to become

the family is relaxed and acts normally, the sooner your child will be comfortable

a family sets in. Sharing their house, toys and even their parents—basically

in his new home. More often than not, adoptive parents think of how hard it

everything they have can be a shock. And no matter how much time you spent

is to adjust and take it easy on everyone. Keep in mind It is difficult for a child to

preparing your children and how much explanation about their new sibling

know how to act and know how to look at things if there are no rules to follow.

you have given them, they may still have unrealistic expectations about their new

Familiarize your child with the house rules and explain to them how those rules

sibling. Most of the time they expect their new sibling to act better than they

can affect them.

do, be grateful and instantly know the house rules. On top of that “fairness” is another issue that will arise to both old and new children. It will be easy for them to point out who is doing more, who’s getting what and how things are unfair to them. Even conventional siblings have rivalry issues. This will intensely subside once the adjustment period is over.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

Another fear that most children have, whether of being adopted or not, is that

“BONDING” With Your Child

they will be loved less by their parents once their new sibling arrives. Even if

The first week or even months upon your child’s arrival can be challenging

you prepared him before his new sibling arrives, he may still think that you do not

but you will eventually bond with him. It may take some time to get over your

want or need them anymore when his new sibling actually moves in with you.

child’s fear and anger but you will likely succeed in winning him. It is the

You should talk to him about it often and remind him of your love. Acknowledging

simple everyday situations that can hold you together as a family. Try your best

how tough it is to get a new sibling can ease the tension. Your child will feel

to have some family bonding activities everyday. These activities will help

that you understand his feelings about the changes in your family. It will also be

your child feel secure and feel like he really does belong to your family. One of

easier for him to communicate his feelings if they know that you can relate

the most common routine activity is reading bedtime stories for school-age

to him. You should be patient and allow some time for him to really believe it.

children. Spending some time talking after dinner over dessert is also another

Experienced families also recommend that you spending alone time with each

simple way to talk and see how everyone is doing. Talk about weekend plans

of your children, new and old can help ease up the tension.

or upcoming occasions or holidays. Remember that conversation is the key to

If your other children also were adopted, be prepared for the new arrival to bring

being open with your children and making them feel they have a voice and

their adoption issues back to the surface. Even if you have prepared yourself

you are there to listen to anything they want to say.

and your child beforehand, actually dealing with it can be much more difficult. Some families have to deal with a child’s absolute panic. The best thing to do is to set aside some time to talk to your other children everyday. Most of the time adoptive parents get caught up on their new child’s feelings toward his new arrival and how their new child is doing while forgetting to pay close attention to the signs that their other children are troubled.

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What if you don’t love your child? Parents who have children by birth often talk about the fact that they love each children differently. Other parents find that they like a child and her personality and behaviors, but do not feel a deep love for her.

After going through a tough adjustment period; some parents feel like it did

If you are still concerned about your feelings toward your child and vice versa,

not result into a loving attachment. You may feel like this especially if your child

it’s advisable that you talk to an experienced professional about it. You and your

has some serious behavioral problems or you simply do not feel like your per-

child may just be holding back from each other because of your pasts. Maybe

sonalities mesh. What is even worse is if your child is doing well but you think you

you both are holding back from each other because you are both afraid that you

lack feelings for him. This is a normal feeling for adoptive parents. Experienced

will not really get the love back. Whatever the reason, you can still have a success-

parents say that you must distinguish loving from liking and commitment. Most

ful adoption without declaring your eternal love.

parents will tell you that love takes time. You may be committed to your child for months or even years before you truly love him. If your child hesitates to attach to you, you may find yourself holding back, too. But even if everything is progressing normally, love takes time; a year or more is not unusual. Experienced parents say that you don’t have to love a child to parent him. If you concentrate on being a”good enough” parent instead of being a perfect one, you may be able to have fulfilling relationship with your child even in the absence of strong love. Sometimes parents will need to change their definition of love. Some parents find that exercising loving gestures toward their children can jump-start the real feelings.

Leticia

Leticiaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s adoptive parents were prepared for the worst when they first took her into their home. Their first adoptive daughter had displayed the classic signs of attachment disorder, requiring ongoing therapy. They knew that Leticiaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s history included several neglect and abandonment typical of a child who develops attachment disorders. Leticia however, was a delightful, cheerful child who never displayed any of the symptoms expected. Although it took a few month for her to feel completely safe, she formed a deep attachment to her new mother that grew over the years.

Adopting the Hurt Child, Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky

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Key Strategies to A Successful Older Child Adoption

Acquire as much knowledge as you can about the needs of the child and older child adoption Being knowledgeable about older child adoption is much easier today than

Keep in mind that commitment is as important as love Love can be hard to pin down for parents during times of prolonged stress and unrewarding parent-child relationships. Your child, too, may find it easy to

before because of the development of the internet. Accessibility and cost of

love you. There might be times though, when this feeling falls through. Still, if

information used to be one of the hurdles of adoptive parents even before

commitment is valued and articulated within the family, your child will learn from

they made the decision to adopt or not. Conferences and books used to be the

you how to hold on to you as the adoption relationship face hurdles during the

key information and connection source for adoptive parents, but the cost of

issues of family life.

travel and limited distribution of books made accessible difficult for everyone. Today, there are blogs, support groups, books and agencies that provide information and are willing to answer questions that adoptive parents have. Become an â&#x20AC;&#x153;expertâ&#x20AC;? in meeting those needs

Develop patience; lots of it Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s easier said than done for some of us. Like our children, we all have unique personalities. Some of us were born with a lot of patience; some have developed it over the years; and still others find this a goal to achieve someday. As an

Being armed with information is one thing, but understanding the needs of

adoptive parent, you need to have a lot of patience to have a successful adoption.

your child is another. This approach means looking at different angles and ways

Your child will be more likely to trigger and manipulate the emotions of each

to solve an issue that your child may have. For example, parents are now more

member of the family if he or she does not feel at home. In some cases it can take

skilled at deciding when to accept drug treatment for children with Attention

a year or more for a child to be comfortable enough, trust enough and heal

Deficit Disorder (ADD) and bipolar disorder. A decade ago, these disorders

enough to be able to finally feel like he or she is part of the adoptive family.

left many families bewildered about why their child would act out. Now, greater

While your child and the entire family is going through the adjustment, you as

understanding of how the brain is involved in these conditions allow parents

parents need enough patience to hang in there and step back from all the

and practitioners to administer medications to reduce symptoms and allow the

expectations you have of your child and dreams of how your ideal family will

child to learn how to manage his or her life.

function. You will get there eventually.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on t h e adopt i on process

Embrace the adoptive relationship as a lifelong bond

Face the facts and accept the child for who he is now

Adoption is truly a lifelong bond. Children, unlike material things, are non-

Facing the truth may not be easy but it is crucial. Parents need to accept the child

returnable. Sometimes the needs of a hurt child are beyond what a family can

for who he is now and not for who we want him to be in the future. He should

provide. Regardless of training, support, experience and love, a child may need

be part of the family regardless of the issues he posses. A family cannot be created

an environment other than a family home to heal from past trauma or even to

on what may happen tomorrow; it has to function in the present. Your child

protect the community. However, when that happens, the child does not have

must know that he is important to you even though he may be hurting the dog,

to be emotionally ejected from your family. Treat a troubled adoptive child as you

not behaving appropriately or had been expelled from school. You must first

would a birth child who needed extraordinary help. You can have visits, write

face the fact that this may be who he is, then find a way to raise him as your own.

letters or e-mails, or talk on the phone. It does not matter that the connection

The potential and love that you see lying beneath the challenging behaviors of

you maintain is tenuous, it only matters that the child understands and feels

your child may take years to come to light. You have to accept that you still have

that he is not alone in the world and that you still claim him as your own.

to build a family together.

Vincent

Vincent was starting kindergarten for the second time when he entered his adoptive family. As a baby, he had been tied up and left for days in his crib. He has also been placed with the same foster family three different times. The family who adopted Vincent had adopted before and were experienced. They were told that he was hyperactive, had problems with stealing and lying, and never felt pain. At first they saw none of these as Vincent stole their hearts with his intelligence, affection and musical talent. But the problems began and quickly escalated. He stole a valuable heirloom bracelet from a neighbor. Three times he was brought home by policeâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;for stealing, setting a fire, and running away. He lied so much that it was impossible to ever believe him. The school constantly called with complaints about the behavior. Once he fell from a bike and, though gashed deeply on his leg, said he felt no pain.

Fortunately, the familyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s social worker was familiar with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Vincent was diagnosed and placed on medication for ADHD. His behavior at school and in the community almost immediately improved. Next, his parents found a therapist familiar with attachment problems. Through holding, she helped Vincent deal with his feelings. Finally, the family implemented many parenting techniques presented in the books they read. Armed with new tools and a child who was trying to change, they were able to make progress. It took a long time for everyone to come together, but within a few years, Vincent was on the honor roll. His stealing declined to few incidents a year, and the family began to function with joy and love for each other.

Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child, Trish Maskew

“It is not the flesh and blood but the heart that makes us family.” — Johann Schiller, Poet

a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo r e v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dr en

Adoption Glossary Abandonment

Desertion of a child by a parent or adult primary

Adoption Tax Credits

Non-refundable credit which reduces taxes owed

care giver with no provisions for continued child care

by adoptive parents who claim adoption expense

nor with any apparent intention to return.

reimbursement under P.L. 10-188; may be claimed on Federal taxes (and in some States with similar

Adoption Assistance

Monthly subsidy payments to help adoptive parents

legislation, on State taxes).

raise children with special needs. These payments were initially made possible by the government. States also fund monthly payments for children

Adoption Tax Exclusions

RS provisions in the Federal tax code which allow adoptive parents to exclude cash or other adoption

with special needs who are not eligible for federal

benefits for qualifying adoption expenses received

subsidy payments.

from a private-sector employer when computing the family’s adjusted gross income for tax purposes.

Adoption Benefits

Compensation to workers through employer-sponsored programs. Some examples of such benefits are

Adoption Exchange

Agency Adoption

Adoptive placements made by licensed organizations

financial assistance or reimbursement for the expenses

that screen prospective adoptive parents and

of adopting a child, or provision of paid parental or

supervise the placement of children in adoptive

family leave.

homes until the adoption is finalized.

An organization comprised of both private and public

Certification

The approval process that takes place to ensure,

adoption agencies that meet to exchange information

insofar as possible, that adoptive or foster

about available families, waiting children, and making

parents are suitable, dependable, and responsible.

matches. Adoption exchanges also sponsor matching parties to bring together prospective adoptive parents, waiting children and their social workers in a childfocused setting. Adoption exchanges can be local,

Decree of Adoption Dependent Child

The legal document through which prospective parents request the court’s permission to adopt a specific child.

Adoptive Placement

The point at which a child begins to live with

A child who is in the custody of the County or State child welfare system.

state wide or national in scope. Adoption Petition

A legal order that finalizes an adoption.

Employer Assistance

Adoption benefits provided to employees by employers which may include direct cash assistance for adoption expenses, reimbursement of approved adoption expenses, paid or unpaid leave (beyond federal leave requirements established through the

prospective adoptive parents; the period before

Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993), and resource

the adoption is finalized.

and referral services.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on adopt i on Glossa ry

Extended Family

A child’s relatives (other than parents) such as

Group home

aunts, uncles, grandparents, and sometimes even

A homelike setting in which a number of unrelated children live for varying time periods. Group homes

close friends.

may have one set of house parents or may have a rotating staff and some therapeutic or treatment

Family Preservation

A program of supportive social services designed to

group homes have specially-trained staff to assist

keep families together by providing services to

children with emotional and behavioral difficulties.

children and families in their home. It is based on the premise that birth families are the preferred means

Finalization

Foster-adoption

Guardian

Person who fulfills some of the responsibilities of

of providing family life for children.

the legal parent role, although the courts or birth

The final legal step in the adoption process; involves

the child. Guardians do not have the same recipro-

parents may continue to hold some jurisdiction of a court hearing during which the judge orders that

cal rights of inheritance as birth or adoptive parents.

the adoptive parents become the child’s legal parents.

Guardianship is subject to ongoing supervision by the court and ends at the child’s majority or by order

A child placement in which birth parents’ rights have

of the court.

not yet been terminated by the court or in which birth parents are appealing the court’s decision but

Home Study

A process through which prospective adoptive

foster parents agree to adopt the child if/when

parents are educated about adoption and evaluated

parental rights are terminated. Social workers place

to determine their suitability to adopt.

the child with specially-trained foster-adopt parents who will work with the child during family reunifica-

Kinship Care

The full-time nurturing of a child by someone

tion efforts but who will adopt the child if the child

related to the child by family ties or by prior

becomes available for adoption. The main reason

relationship connection (fictive kin).

for making such a placement, also called legal-risk adoption, is to spare the child another move.

Legal Guardian

A person who has legal responsibility for the care and management of a person who is incapable

Foster Children

Foster Parents

Children who have been placed in the legal

of administering his own affairs. In the case of

custody of the State or county because their birth

a minor child, the guardian is charged with the legal

parents were deemed abusive, neglectful, or

responsibility for the care and management of the

otherwise unable to care for them.

child and of the minor child’s estate.

State- or county-licensed adults who provide a temporary home for children whose birth parents are unable to care for them.

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a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo r e v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dr en

Legal Risk

Placement of a child in a prospective adoptive family

Placement

when a child is not yet legally free for adoption.

Legally Free

Non-recurring Adoption Costs

partially reimbursed by States up to a maximum limit

Before a child can be legally adopted, parental rights

of $2,000 to families adopting children with special

of his or her birth parents must be terminated.

needs. Allowable expenses for this reimbursement

In a “legal risk” adoptive placement either this

benefit can include the cost of a home study, adoption

termination of parental rights has not yet occurred,

fees, court costs, attorney fees, physical and psy-

or it is being contested. In some cases, termination

chological examinations, travel to visit with the child

of parental rights is delayed until a specific adoptive

prior to the placement, and other expenses related

family has been identified.

to the legal adoption of a child with special needs.

A child whose birth parents’ rights have been legally terminated so that the child is “free” to be adopted

Occupational Therapy

by another family. Life Book

One-time adoption expenses, which may be at least

A pictorial and written representation of the child’s

The science of using everyday activities with specific goals, to help people of all ages prevent, lessen, or overcome physical disabilities.

Parens Patriae

life designed to help the child make sense of his

Legal term that defines the State’s legal role as the guardian to protect the interests of children who

unique background and history. The life book includes

cannot take care of themselves. For example, in an

birthparents, other relatives, birthplace and date,

abuse or neglect case, this concept is used to ex-

etc. and can be put together by social workers, foster

plain the State’s duty to protect minor children who

and /or adoptive parents working with the child.

lack proper care and custody from their parents.

Long-term

The intentional and planned placement of a child in

foster Care

foster care for an extended period of time. After the

Permanency Planning

The systematic process of carrying out (within a brief, time-limited period) a set of goal-directed activities

goal of adoption has been explored and not selected,

designed to help children live in permanent families.

and relative options are not feasible, a goal of

This process has the goal of providing the child

planned long-term foster care may be seen as a viable

continuity of relationships with nurturing parents or

goal. Increasingly some States’ child welfare

caretakers and the opportunity to establish lifetime

systems no longer view long-term foster care as

family relationships.

a placement alternative. Photo Listing Book Matching

The process of finding prospective families

A publication that contains photos and descriptions of children who are available for adoption.

specifically suited to meet the needs of a waiting child, not to be confused with “placement”.

Placement Date

The time at which the child comes to live with the adopting parents.

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on adopt i on Glossa ry

Post-institutionalized child

Children adopted from institutional, hospital, or

Respite care

Temporary or short-term home care of a child pro-

orphanage settings. The term is used to describe an

vided for pay or on a voluntary basis by adults other

array of emotional and psychological disturbances,

than the parents (birth, foster, or adoptive parents).

developmental delays, learning disabilities, and /or medical problems resulting, in part, from their stay

Reunification

The returning of foster children to the custody of their parent(s) after placement outside the home.

in institutions. Post-legal

Services provided subsequent to legal finalization

Special needs

adoption services

of the adoption. There are primarily four types of

children

Children whose emotional or physical disorders, age, race, membership in a sibling group, a history of abuse, or other factors contribute to a lengthy stay

post-legal service providers: social service agencies, private therapists, mental health clinics and self-

in foster care. Guidelines for classifying a child as

help groups.

special needs vary by State. Common special needs conditions and diagnoses include: serious medical

Post-placement supervision

The range of counseling and agency services

conditions; emotional and behavioral disorders;

provided to the adopted parents and adopted child

history of abuse or neglect; medical or genetic risk

subsequent to the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s adoptive placement and

due to familial mental illness or parental substance

before the adoption is legally finalized in court.

abuse.

Social worker reports of this required supervisory The legal process which involuntarily severs a par-

period are forwarded to the court. Termination of Residential care facility

A structured 24-hour care facility with staff that

A foster home in which the foster parents are

provide psychological services to help severely troubled children overcome behavioral, emotional, mental, or psychological problems that adversely

Treatment Foster Home

Therapeutic intervention processes for individuals Residential treatment

trained to offer treatment to children with moderate to severe emotional problems; also known as therapeutic foster home.

affect family interaction, school achievement, and peer relationships.

entâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s rights to a child.

Parental Rights (TPR)

Waiting children

Children in the public child welfare system who cannot return to their birth homes and need

who cannot or do not function satisfactorily in their

permanent, loving families to help them grow up

own homes. For children and adolescents, residen-

safe and secure.

tial treatment tends to be the last resort when a child is in danger of hurting himself or others.

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a k i n fa m i l i es fi nd i ng fo r e v er fam i l i es fo r o l der ch i l dr en

Bibliography Organizations Administration for Children

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

Older Child Adoption

www.davethomasfoundation.org

www.olderchildadoption.com

and Families (AFCARS)

DePelchin Children’s Center

Public Policy Institute of California (PPIC)

www.acf.hhs.gov

www.depelchin.org

www.ppic.org

Adoption.Org

Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute

Rebekah Children’s Services

www.adoption.org

www.adoptioninstitute.org

www.rcskids.org

Adoption Learning Partners

Family Builders

Stories of Adult Transnational

www.adoptionlearningpartners.org

www.familybuilders.org

Adoptees and Their Parents

Adoption SF

Families For Children

www.adoptionsf.org

www.families4children.com

Blogs

Bay Area Kids

Filipino Adoptees Network

Bushel and A Peck: One Thankful Mom

www.bakids.org

www.filipino-adoptees-network.org

www.onethankfulmom.com

Beth O’Malley, Adoption Life Books

Heartsent Adoptions

Older Child Adoption

www.adoptionlifebooks.com

www.heartsent.org

www.older-child.adoptionblogs.com

Boys and Girls Aid

Hospicio de San Jose

Pathos of Asian Adoptees

www.boysandgirlsaid.org

www.hospiciodesanjose.org

www.pathosofasianadoptees.tumblr.com

www.transnational-adoptee-parent-study.com

California Court Appointed Special

Inter-Country Adoption Board, Philippines

See Jamie Blog

Advocates (CASA)

(ICAB)

www.seejamieblog.comnter

www.californiacasa.org

www.icab.gov.ph

Congressional Coalition on

Kinship Center

Adoption Institute

www.kinshipcenter.org

books

www.ccainstitute.org

Adopting and Advocating for the Special Needs Child: A Guide for Parents and Professionals, L. Anne Babb and Rita Laws

i nt roduct i on to o l der ch i l d adopt i on b i b l i ogr aph y

Adoption: Opposing View Points,

Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or

David Bender and Bruno Leone

Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past, Jayne E. Schooler and Betsy Keefer

Practical Tools for Today’s Parents,

You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Family Guide,

Deborah D. Gray

S. Caughman and I. Motley

Adopting Older Children,

Magazines

Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special Needs Kids A Guide for Parents and Professionals, Gregory C. Keck and Regina Kupecky

Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe

Adoption Today Adoptive Families Magazine

Cheri Register Yeong

August Rush, Kirsten Sheridan

Big Daddy, Dennis Dugan The Blind Side, John Lee Hancock

Older Child Adoption, Grace Robinson

December Boys, Rod Hardy Home Beyond the Sun, Colin Chilvers

Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child, Trish Maskew Parenting Your Adopted Older Child: How to Overcome the Unique Challenges and Raise a Happy and Healthy Child, Brenda McCreight

Samantha, Nadia Tass Stuart Little, Rob Minkoff White Oleander, Peter Kosminsky Documentary Films

Parents Magazine

The Adventures of Ociee Nash, Kristen McGary Beyond Good Intentions,

The Orphan, Jaume Collet-Serra Problem Child, Dennis Dugan

Movies A Love Like No Other,

Martian Child, Menno Meyjes Mockingbird Don’t Sing, Harry Bromley Davenport

Attaching in Adoption:

Alfred Kadushin

Lovely and Amazing, Nicole Holofcener

Johnny, D. David Morin The Kids Are All Right, Lisa Cholodenko The Lost and Found Family, Barnet Bain

Adopted, Barb Lee Adopted, Pauly Shore Adoption, Marta Meszaros Aging Out, Roger Weisberg, Vanessa Roth The Business of Being Born, Abby Epstein First Person Plural, Deann Borshay Liem Left On Lockett Lane, Jonathan Reinert National Geographic: China’s Lost Girls, Lisa Ling Off and Running, Nicole Opper The Orphan Trains, PBS Studios Wo Ai Ni Mommy, Stephanie Wang-Breal