LGBTQ

onLinE Dating

Online dating is becoming more and more common as we live in a digital age. From anon ymous chat rooms, to matchmaking websites, to dating apps! It is an easy way to meet lots of new people without having to leave your house. Some will have great experiences and find some one they really connect with. Some will have unexceptional dates. Some will experience strange and potentially dangerous situations. The following section will cover saying safe in online dating spaces.

I really wasn’t the type of person who would lock eyes with a stranger sitting across the bar...

ALICE

queer/bisexual//Korean//cis woman

... I’m still not. So a few years ago, after a particularly painful breakup, I resorted to online dating. Meeting people from the comfort of my own home, without having to leave my bed! It felt like every homebody’s dream. But what I loved the most was that I felt more in control of who I got to talk to and go on dates with, because I could do my research (i.e. read people’s profiles and study up on our potential compatibility) before I met them in person. This was very empowering, as I’ve always found it quite difficult to reject or ignore people in real life, mostly in fear of their potentially violent reaction. Online, ignoring people was made simple with the ‘block user’ button.

I had just moved to the UK when I met my current partner on OkCupid. I wanted to meet new people to explore what my new home had to offer. On our first date, we walked around the city for hours and hours, discovering new places in the city together. We went to a museum exhibit on our second date. A film screening for our third date. All this time, we had a lot of fun, and more importantly, I felt safe and comfortable. We moved in together, moved to Canada together, and got married.

But not every date I had went this well. Not every message I received online was pleasant. Ranging from fetishization to threats, there were so many moments that made me feel angry, scared, and discouraged. If there’s anything I learned from my online dating experiences, it’s that dating should be fun. It should feel good! You deserve to enjoy yourself when you’re on a date, feeling happy and flirty and comfortable. So if there’s anything telling you – especially your gut feeling – that something feels even a little bit wrong, remember to trust yourself. But if you’re willing to take some precautions and work up the courage to dive in, online dating can prove useful, fun, and rewarding.

While dating, Asian women may connect with a non-Asian person who seem to be very sexually attracted to only the fact that we are Asian.

Some people will even openly declare that they have an Asian fetish. This means that this person is especially attracted to Asian people because of their race. Some people do not mind it when people say they have an Asian fetish. Others are very upset when people say this. Someone may find it frustrating or upsetting as it can feel like someone is stereotyping them to be a certain way. In the media, there is a very common portrayal of East Asian women as quiet, short, skinny, pale, beautiful, virginal, and submissive. So when someone says they have “yellow fever”, some may find it offensive, as they may feel that this person is only interested in their fantasy of an “Asian”, and not actually the individual.

As an Asian trans woman, there can even be a double fetish. People may view you as exotic, a kink, or a fantasy. For their own safety, some trans women find it helpful to disclose on their online dating profile that they are trans, as there have been documented cases of trans women being hurt or murdered when their date did not know about their trans identity. Sometimes it can feel like the other person is very fixated on your trans identity, your genitals, and your trans-ness in general. They may ask extremely personal questions right at the beginning about your genitals and your identity. They may also be very rude to you. They may have felt that you “tricked” them and state that they “are not gay”. While this is disturbing, it can be a reality for many trans women and nonbinary people. Your womanhood is as you define it. There are many people and communities, even though you may not have met them yet, that agree with you and support your trans identity. Supports can be found at the end of this resource.

Dating apps are a great way to meet people and are very common in Canada. People sometimes have great experiences where they meet a very compatible partner, some people have had less than ideal experiences.

General safety tips:

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Meet in a public and neutral place for your first date. Tell a friend that you are going on a date with someone that you met online. Set up a time when your friend can text or call you just to check in. Set up a discreet word to indicate that the date is not going well or if you have a bad feeling about the date.

Listen to your intuition. Best case scenario in listening to your intuition is that you get to leave a potentially dangerous situation. Worst case scenario, you left a little too early, but you can meet them again or meet new people later.

Prepare an excuse to leave when you begin to have any suspicion.

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Never give out your credit card number or social insurance number.

Do not lend significant amounts money to your date as there is a risk that you may be getting taken advantage of.

Keep an eye on your drink. That means you watch the waiter or bartender hand you the drink personally or watch your date receive the drinks and walk them over to you. If you start feeling like you can’t control your body, leave your date, signal to any person around you to call 911, or call 911 yourself.

I did not know the terms “homosexuality” and “gay” existed until I attended college.

“JOYNA”

newcomer from China//lesbian

I did not know the terms “homosexuality” and “gay” existed until I attended college. It was during my college years that I knew I was gay, and had my first girlfriend. However, looking back, there were early signs that I was not straight. I had a crush on one of my junior high school teachers. I also had feelings towards a girl in high school. During those times, I did not think or question much about my sexual orientation; I think it was due to growing up in a very heteronormative culture, which unfortunately still persists. However, there seems to be more young individuals coming out as LGBTQ+. So, I think our society is slowly progressing. For instance, I see more information about gender identity and expression, and sexual orientation being available. That is why I am glad that our society is becoming more receptive towards the LGBT+ community, a community I am proud to be part of.

Having an LGBTQ+ identity as an Asian person can be a point of connection and a source of isolation at the same time. When it is a point of isolation, it can be very difficult to cope and can lead to many harmful behaviours like using substances, participating in sexually risky behaviours (like unprotected sex with a stranger), self harm, and may even lead to suicidal thoughts and/or actions. When we don’t feel supported in our sexual identity, it is important for us to find and create our own support networks, sometimes referred to as chosen families. ‘Chosen family’ in this resource refers to one’s own familial bonds formed with the freedom to choose one’s family outside of the biological family. If you’re feeling alone and isolated because of your LGBTQ+ identity and want help finding your chosen family, or need tools and tips, you can find resources at the end of this booklet.

People will identify however they will and it is important to mirror the same language they choose to identify themselves. Here are some:

DEFINITIONS OF SOME SEXUALITIES:

doctors cannot easily label as

Lesbian: a self-identified woman who is attracted to women.

Gay: a self-identified man who is attracted to men; also used as an regardless of gender, who is

umbrella term for LGBTQ+.

Bisexual: an individual, regardless of gender, who is attracted to men and women. 2-Spirited: an umbrella term used

Transgender: an individual, regardless of genitals, whose gender identity and gender assigned at birth do not correspond. Asexual: can be shortened to

Queer: an umbrella term for someone who identifies as LGBTQ+. In some places queer is a negative and hurtful word. In most of North America, queer is used as a term for with the rigid genders of female or

anyone who identifies within the LGBTQQIP2SAA+ spectrum.

Questioning: an individual who is questioning their sexual orientation, sex, gender expression, and/or sexual Intersex: an individual born with ambiguous genitalia which male or female.

Pansexual: an individual, attracted to other people, regardless of gender.

by Indigenous people in North America. It refers to someone who has both a feminine and masculine spirit.

“ace”. Someone who does not experience sexual attraction. This is not the same as romantic feelings; it is also not a fear of sexual experiences.

Agender: A self-identified term for someone who does not identify preference.

male; also can identify as gender non-conforming or gender nonbinary person.

Cis/Cisgender (sis-JEN-der)

[adj.]: a person whose gender identity and gender assigned at birth are the same. If you identify as a woman, and at birth, you were told you were a girl, this means that you are a cisgender woman.

Non-binary/NB/gender non

binary [adj.]: a gender category that is not exclusively in the male-female binary. It is a valid way someone may identify and is an accepted gender identification. It is an umbrella term and can mean different things to different non-binary people. There are many synonyms like genderfluid, genderqueer, agender, androgynous, boi, bigender, multigender, etc. It is important to mirror the language a person uses. If they identify as genderqueer, they may not identify as agender. It is important to listen, respect people’s genders, and learn! Genderqueer [adj.]: self identified gender expression; refers to people who do not identify strictly as male or female but rather a gender-free individual whose identity may continue to evolve and change over time.

Tricky words:

These tricky words should be used with discretion. Some will find these words very offensive as these words have historically been used to shame an individual’s sexuality. These words are in the process of being reclaimed. This means the identities affected by these words are trying to change the negativity and turn it positive.

Dyke: Refers to a lesbian. Faggot: Refers to a gay person Tranny: Refers to a trans person.

Trans/Transgender [adj.]:

an umbrella term for people whose gender identity and gender assigned at birth are not the same. If you were born and assigned male at birth but identify as a woman, you may identify as a transgender woman.