Summer 2005
QAY
What i s thi s?
This Zine is a collection of expressions by and for Queer Asian Youth.
What i s QAY?
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What i s ACAS?
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33 Isabella Street, Suite 107 Toronto, Ontario CANADA • M4Y2 P7 P: 416 963-4300 F: 416 963-4371 E: youth@acas.org W: www.acas.org/QAY
QAY is an initiative of Asian Community AIDS Services’ Youth Project, funded by the City of Toronto AIDS Prevention Grants ©2 005
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Hey, Okay, I know I hardly see you at school. I’m not blaming you. I admit I chose it to be that way. It has been hard. I know what you’re thinking, I only chose to make things hard...but I realized life has always been hard...but it’s okay as long as you’re living according to how you were born to be... you may think, that just because I’m a guy, that guys belong to women only, well I believe you belong with the one you love. I need to get things straight with you (ha-ha-ha, no pun intended). I never told anyone...I even lied to myself, but I have been attracted to guys since I was 12 or 13. It scared the shit out of me you know? So I tried not to think about and suppressed it. I lied to everyone about those feelings, even to myself but as I got older, the feelings just got stronger - it depressed me. You know I even tried to look for a girlfriend. You should know me by now that my type isn’t the sexy chick. I did like ******, she was attractive outside, but she had something most chicks didn’t have - inner beauty. The reason why our relationship didn’t get to the level that it should’ve was well yeah, dude I was attracted to guys. Even after ******, I still wasn’t sure about myself. There were other girls who were interested in me but I wasn’t interested in them, for some reason. Like, there was ***** and ****. I think *** had a nice body, but I just didn’t feel anything you know? Well if you think I’m a freak for being this way, then I’m sorry you feel that way. But just remember, that the freak was your best friend after all these years. I know I wasn’t always there for you, and I’m sorry I can’t go back and change the past. If you would learn to open up to me a little more and ask for my help, you know I would. I don’t expect you to understand everything in a day, in a week or even a year. I know it’ll take time and I don’t want this issue to be a rift between us. Damn, it would be stupid. I know right now I’m partly to blame. But you have to admit that not being able to accept me for who I am makes you just as guilty. I know this is like, big news and it may change some things. But I’m still the same guy you’ve always known. It doesn’t change who I am. I’ve matured, that’s for sure but I’m still always your bro. You can still tell me “damn that chick’s hot�. Just don’t get caught off guard if I say “damn that guy’s nice� (ha-ha-ha) don’t worry though...you know I’m not that outspoken. Also I know you may be confused about a lot of things. I know I was. Take for example, ******. I had a big crush on her right? Well I realized that I wasn’t “in love with her�. I was only ‘in love’ with the idea of ‘being in love with her’. It’s the same with any other girl. Growing up, I was made to believe that marrying a girl and having kids was the only way one could live. So I tried to adapt myself to be that way. But I realized that when it comes to matters of the heart, you don’t need to adapt to anything. What you feel is what you feel, it should be natural. I can’t explain to you as to why I’m attracted to guys. It’s like explaining why I like orange pop and pizza or action movies and anime. You just do. It’s the way you were made.
Now if you want to get religious (which personally I don’t think you have any right to talk to me about since you never go to church on Sunday), yeah god made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. That story isn’t really true, it’s just a poetic way to answer the big question of where we all came from and perhaps what nationality we’re supposed to be – white, black? So you can’t really say. Jesus never really said that it would be wrong to be gay. However I know it would be wrong to try and suppress it; to always be lying. God made us all different... bottom line. Anyway, as for where I stand, I don’t plan to change the way I dress or act (don’t mind what I wore on civies day, I’ll explain to you why I wore that at another time). I’m still me. Plus, I DO NOT plan to come out in public anytime soon. I have to tell my parents first, but I need to build-up to that. I only plan to tell people I’m close with and those I can trust. Like you. People that do know are; you, *****, ******, now my cousin ******** (2 2 yr old from California) and 2 friends of mine on the internet. I plan to tell **** next, then my family and eventually my parents. After that, we’ll see. I guess I just won’t lie about it if anyone asks me but I won’t be running up and down the streets yelling it out you know? B-t-w, I do hear what you are saying. Just because I don’t follow it, doesn’t mean I don’t listen. Oh yeah, if you’re wondering, I do know how 2 guys have sex. To be honest, it scares me sometimes... but it’s part of adapting, and as crude as it may sound, I’ll get used to it...plus I won’t have to worry about it for a while. It’s the least of my concerns. You know sex isn’t a big deal for me. I just don’t want U to be thinking that “oh life will teach me a lesson, when I get fucked by some guy” oh yeah, which I should also tell u, I’ve thought a lot about ALL of this. (***** and ****** did not influence me; just offered to listen). Yeah like I mentioned before, it’s not like I started feeling this way all of a sudden, it’s been awhile. I just always used to wear a mask...anyways, I realize now, that I can only be happy. I went through a lot these past few months; soul searching, and reflection and yes, prayer. And don’t think it was easy...because it fuckin was not. I got depressed a lot...and lost hope a lot. But I found strength to carry on. Just because I didn’t commit suicide doesn’t mean I wasn’t depressed. There were a lot of times when I felt like giving up...just stay home and wallow in my self-pity or not go to school and drop out... or run away and live on my own for a while. But I couldn’t do that. I had to go on. I just...I stayed close to my faith and believed that I could get through this. Mind you I still a have a few demons to slay, some insecurities. But overall, I think I’ve come a long way. And if you’ve wondered, why I would do anything that would make me unhappy. Well I realize, life is like a wheel, it spins up and down, you’re up and you’re down, but it doesn’t change who you are. Your purpose in life shouldn’t be happiness. It should be to live life by being to true your heart and to live as you were meant to. Happiness will be the by-product that will follow when you do that. I hope this e-mail answered a lot of your questions. There’s probably still a lot you’re still wondering about, so just ask me. We do need to talk...it’s been a while since we last chilled together. (I know my fault also). I know we can work through this ****... Your bro, -****
Eye Insp i re: Op e n Those Eyes a Poet, a Pai n ter, and an Actor. 5BJOB 8POH
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How Robert Smith Made Me Become Sticky Rice. Age 14. I’m straight. I’m in love with my best friend but i don’t know i’m in love. Everyone else does. She plays the violin and loves The Cure. Age 17. I’m still straight, but getting more butch by the second. I have a new best friend. We run around the school trying to “shock� other people by kissing each other. She has a crush on Mr. Chapman, the music teacher. We write each other notes. She thinks Robert Smith, from The Cure, is sexy. Age 19. I’m a dyke! She’s straight. We fall in love. She falls out of love and leaves me for a guy with a restaurant. Her favourite t-shirt is from a Cure concert. Age 2 5. No comment. Age 2 8. I’m a geeky, queer, boy-girl! I’m in love with a wonderful girl who is also my best friend. She’s in love with me too. We enjoy all-day breakfasts. She sings me the Sleep-Country Canada jingle when i ask her to. She makes me mix tapes. I fall asleep with Cure songs in my head.
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We are not brothers ,FOOZ ,IPP
One of my biggest fears is disappointment. It feels horrible to get disappointed. Many people are so caught up with their disappointments that they often miss the big picture in life. Disappointment is inevitable; for example, if you apply for a job or to a school, chances are you will likely get rejected. One way to overcome this fear is to become numb to it. It’s easier said than done of course. More often than not, people become less motivated in achieving their goals after each disappointment. In psychology, this phenomenon is termed ‘learned helplessness’. This means that a person has learned that no matter what is done, there isn’t an escape from helplessness. In the end, most will eventually give up trying. My way of dealing with disappointments is to put them in a totally different perspective. This is done in a way where the impact felt from the disappointment is diminished. For example, if you failed an exam, just tell yourself that it’s only one, out of the many exams that you will be writing in your academic career. You will have lots of new opportunities to make up for your previous error. Next time when you get disappointed, just say to yourself, “ Don’t sweat about the small things in life.” It’s only a small thing. Mark
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