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l oria t i Ed

Reconciliation is the calling for 2013!

1st January 2013, the first day of a brand new year; the whole world was celebrating and enjoying in the midst of despondency, suffering and broken-ness.

India and its people mourned and raged over the Delhi rape case. On the very same day I was invited to speak to a small group of people in Barrackpore. This town used to be a military and administrative centre under the British rule, and was the starting point of several acts of rebellion during the 19th century.

During my talk, I mentioned a passage where it says: “We are new creation in Christ Jesus and old things have gone and everything has become new” in 1st Corinthians 5:17.

Further in the same passage Paul describes that ‘as a new creation’ we are reconciled with God when we believe in Him and we are called for RECONCILIATION. Reconciliation is the only medicine that this broken world needs today. There is a strain within families and its members, there are broken relationships between spouses, there are misunderstandings between friends and they are not on talking terms anymore.

Sometimes even our own soul, mind and body have their differences. We also need reconciliation of our own being.

When we reconcile with our neighbours, friends, relatives and closed ones, we take a step to live in peace and allow peace for others to flow in their life too.

Let’s make a resolution in the beginning of this year to be an instrument of Reconciliation. Stay Blessed!

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Spe cia l

Rejection in a relationship What it means and how to deal with it

Do you remember how you felt when you failed that math test back in 5th grade?

Or when your application for inclusion in that sports team was rejected?

Or more recently, when that job application didn't work out?

Even more recently, when you felt rejection in your relationship as your last girlfriend dumped you?

Sulagna Dasgupta We've all been there. Rejection has been, and will be, as normal a part of your (or has been writing about anyone's) life as your daily mail.

Self-improvement Still it hurts. Even though we've experienced it a hundred times, each rejection is a new And relationships for wound. more than 5 years. Her Rejection hurts and it's real website www.loveinindia.co.in What is rejection?

Is India's first dedicated Rejection (in the context of a relationship social or romantic) basically means relationships & exclusion from a group, an interaction, information, communication or emotional marriage blog, also intimacy. When someone deliberately excludes you from any of these, your brain tells you that you're experiencing rejection. The psychological term for this type of rejection offering FREE is unlimited anonymous Social Rejection. relationship Does rejection hurt? We all know it does - it feels lousy, especially in the context of a romantic relationship. counselling. Her mission is to facilitate Should it hurt? Many self-help gurus and personal development books will tell you that more open thinking it shouldn't, using one or more of the following myths. about love & Myth #1. Happiness is a choice, not an outcome. You can choose to be happy relationships in India in irrespective of external circumstances. the long run.

Myth #2. You don't need anyone's approval in order to feel happy. The only person whose approval you need is yourself.

Myth #3. If you're not happy alone, you'll never be happy in a relationship.

Truth is, that each of these has been proven as scientifically untenable through psychological research.

According to Prof. C. Nathan DeWall, PhD, of the University of Kentucky, the need to belong, or the need to have strong and fulfilling relationships is as fundamental to human nature as is the need for food and water.

(Source: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx) Research establishes that it's not only natural to experience severe mental agony as a result of rejection, but it's also as “real� as physical pain (Source: Eisenberger, N.I. & Lieberman, M.D. (2004). Why rejection hurts: A common neural alarm system for physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8, 294-300, http://www.scn.ucla.edu/pdf/WhyRejectionHurts(TICS).pdf).

3 How to handle rejection So does that mean there's no way to alleviate your pain of rejection?

Fortunately, that's not the case. You can't wish away the pain of rejection, but you control when you feel rejected, before the pain sets in. Here are 7 proven steps to do just that.

1. Be conscious of differences - Each person in this world has a different reality. In any given situation, two people can never think or react in (exactly) the same way. No one else sees the same world as you do. Hence it's not only possible, but in fact likely, that people will behave differently from how you expect them to behave (in other words, how you would've behaved if you were them) in a certain situation. This expectation-reality gap often gives rise to feelings of rejection and hurt in people.

The first step to avoid unwarranted feelings of rejection is to acknowledge this difference.

2. Force yourself to think of more than one possible outcomes The rule of thumb that I follow to avoid surprise reactions from people in any situation is, instead of having one particular expected outcome in mind, I force myself to objectively imagine at least two possible reactions, one mandatorily less positive than the other. I also try and find a few supporting reasons why each reaction could occur.

3. Have reasons for each possible outcome: Let me explain with an example. Let's say, you're going to ask a girl out. Don't expect that she'll accept (in which case you'll feel rejected if she doesn't), but don't expect that she'll reject either (in which case you might be so under-confident while asking her out that she might reject you anyway! ).

Tell yourself, “There are two possible outcomes of this situation.

First, she could accept my offer because I'm a handsome, smart, fun guy (use whatever reasoning you want, but make sure you come up with at least 2-3 reasons). Second, she might also reject me because at the moment she might not be interested in dating at all, she could be already seeing someone else, or she might need different qualities in a potential date/boyfriend than the ones which I have.”

4. Be objective in your analysis: As you can see, this reasoning exercise achieves two goals. One, it forces you to visualize, objectively, both the positive and negative outcomes of any situation, thereby mentally preparing you for the negative outcome. Secondly, it also looks at the negative outcome in a way which is as objective as possible, thereby minimizing the feelings of personalization associated with the negative outcome. Notice that in this particular example, you've identified three possible reasons for a rejection-two of which are entirely unrelated to you or your qualities. At the same time you're also being honest and realistic by including one possible reason which involves you. However, even in that case you're being highly objective by rightly pointing out that it's not about whether you and your qualities are good enough for her or not, it's just that she might need something different from what you've got to offer.

5. Avoid personalization of every outcome: This brings me to one of the most important aspects of handling rejection successfully, which is totally avoiding feelings of rejection where they are unwarranted and unnecessary. Again, I'm not here to tell you that you can avoid feeling hurt by feeding yourself some

distorted version of reality (in other words, some variants of “positive self-talk”). I'd only like to draw your attention to the fact that often you (and I, and most people) interpret a situation as a rejection (your exclusion from something) when it is not. I'm talking about the common human tendency of overpersonalizing negative outcomes.

Going back to the earlier example, it's important that you recognize that any rejection in general is largely unrelated to whether you are good enough for something (or someone) or not. It only means what you've got to offer, and what is needed by someone (or something) are not the same. Look at it as the lid of Bottle 1 not fitting Bottle 2, simply because it's not made for that purpose, rather than for not being “big enough”, or “small enough”.

6. Actively seek alternative connections: However, when it comes to relationships, unfortunately all possible sources of rejection are not so simple. Feelings of rejection can be caused by issues like your everyday expectations not being met by your partner, an incidence of infidelity or a real shocker like a sudden announcement by your partner of their desire to leave. In such cases it's not possible for you to be prepared for the feelings of rejection.

It's real.

It hurts.

And you have to deal with it.

The healthiest and quickest way to recover is to find a sense of belonging through other connections. According Prof.

Eisenberger from UCLA, lead researcher in the domain of psychological research on rejection, positive interactions with people cause a definite mood boost in humans, by releasing chemicals which facilitate pleasurable reactions in the brain.

Actively seek out friends and family if you're going through a phase of experiencing feelings of rejection from your partner.

Try to invest yourself emotionally in these relationships.

7. Reduction in emotional dependence actually strengthens love: Shift your focus from your partner. Use the pain of rejection to find other reasons to live. Pick up an old and forgotten hobby, maybe. Pursue it and connect with like-minded people.

In some time you'll find you're able to derive emotional nutrition from these connections. That will not only help you recuperate from your emotional hurt, but also prepare you for solving any issue at hand together with your partner in the near future.

Am I telling you to force yourself to fall out of love with your partner? No. What I am telling you however, is to stop being emotionally needy. Remember, loving your partner and being unable to function without their emotional support are not the same thing at all. The first is healthy, while the second is not. In fact once you've been able to overcome your emotional needyness, your relationship will improve greatly as your partner finds fresh reasons to fall back in love with the new you.

Next time you face rejection (and trust me, there will be a next time, 'cause that's how life is) try to apply these techniques and you'll find you'll be way better off in handling it channelling it constructively even if you can do it right.

4

Be Beautiful From Inside Beauty is not skin deep but soul deep!

I read in a newspaper today “People who look clumsy usually are perceived as irresponsible and not in charge of their lives”. The word used was clumsy and not ugly and that is where I want to emphasis.

Beauty is about the kindness, caring attitude and love for own self and everybody around.

Beauty is not in skin color or pretty clothes; it is not even in zero size figures or the latest hairstyle. It is in the heart of the person.

Though color based racism does not exist largely in the world today, but it does exist at a very small scale. I call it “Fairness scam”.

For example, in India fair skin still gets a lot of preference over dark skin. In my experience, I have seen mothers who force their daughters to use all sort of fairness creams in a hope to make them fair. I have also seen mothers starving their daughters and put them on all sort of diets because size zero is what is fashionable today. I read a survey which clearly mentioned that out of the all the beauty treatments, fairness treatments are the most common today. Out of all the cosmetics sold in India, the most popular is the one called “Fair and Lovely”.

Even a bride is considered to be pretty only if she is fair. Every mother in law wants a fairest daughter in law. What does it really show us about our own thinking? What is such a big deal about fair skin?

girl does not have enough confidence to go for a singing competition in spite of having a great talent. Her friend suggests her that particular fairness cream, she uses it for a month and becomes fair. Now since she is fair, she gets the confidence of going on the stage and eventually she wins the competition. I want to analyze here what an effect it would have on young girls who are not all that fair. Is it a message to them that they do not deserve a lot of things in life because of their color? Does it convey that only fair people get a chance and the confidence to win in life? In my opinion, these advertisements make a huge damage to the psyche of young minds and these should be banned. These advertisements do serve its purpose, because these young people do not have any option other than to use the fairness cream. Even parents don't understand that it is a big catch and fall prey to this scam.

Largely these fairness creams have bleaching agents in huge amounts.

Bleaching agents do their job to make the skin fair, but nothing can practically change the deep color of the skin. As soon as the person stops using these fairness creams, their natural color comes back in no time.

Moreover, bleaching agents can bleach the skin only a certain extent and the amount of damage is irreversible. These agents accelerate the ageing process of the skin.

Special

Prabhjot Kaur Saini is a Software Engineer and is currently working in Bangalore.

She is an engineer by profession and also a thinker and writer with a philosophical heart.

She can be contacted at: prabhjot.varsha@gmail.com CANDLES is a bi-monthly

magazine and strictly for So, I guess most of you would agree that this “Private Circulation.” whole fairness thing is big time scam. It is The publisher ensures that the only a way to get money out of people for contents of the magazine are almost no value and permanent damage to correct. However, the the psyche and skin of the person. publisher is no way responsible for any We need to understand that to be beautiful, controversies found in the it is important to accept yourself first. Not just articles as the opinions are I call it a “Fairness scam” because it is all fairness but all the beauty scams work on expressed by the different about only fairness and it is scam because it just one principal and that is to destroy the experts of many countries. is running like viral in our society today and acceptance of their own bodies in the minds there are people who are earning millions of people. When people start loathing their Please send your articles and millions of money only by playing this own bodies, these companies come up with and suggestion to: fairness game. I saw one advertisement of a solutions to make them beautiful and chiradeepp@gmail.com fairness cream in which a wheatish skinned accepted.

When you are beautiful and full of love from inside, it shows on the outside no matter what color and size you are. Yes, feeling beautiful does give that pump of confidence to all of us. But it should be we who decide what beautiful is, not the people who are selling fairness creams. Each one of us should invest in the way we look from outside but only after we accept our self the way we are and the way our bodies are. We have all been created beautifully by God and we should have that confidence in Him. Even men are falling victim to this “Fairness scam” and you will agree with me when you see how popular products like “Fair and Handsome”, “Men's light” are becoming day after day. The days when a perfect guy was the one who was tall, dark and handsome are long gone.