Kuyanews 2023

Mx. Conasha Kuya's Trophy Wife

KUYANEWS STAFF STAND WITH AN ARENEYAN FAITH THAT DOES JUST TEAS SCJ: FIAT JUST-AN-ISSUE???

Jack Cole

Kuya's Sugar Baby

Tina Moran

Kuya's Side Hoe

Beth Logh

Kuya's Sugar Daddy

Choo Pha Kuya's AI Bot

Timothee Charmelet Kuya's Maid

Sheesh S. Cudero Kuya’s Basa’g Baba

Mal Andy Kuya's Personal Assistant

Liza Seguerra, Lalisa Andalio, Trixie Martyr, Anal Ease Keating, Duga Lipa, FKA Twink Kuya's Tea Brewers

Bot Palu, Pina Biyaan, Penny Tration, Lou Aubrey Kant Kuya's Ghostwriters

Thor Jack, Elmo Ranas, Andrea B. Lathumot, Bryle P. Sot, Mike Litoris Kuya's Vandalizers

Gina Meet, Void Abunda, Jack Cole, Naga Wazan, Michelle B. Gaon Kuya's Publicists

Pot Angina, Lucky Teetee, Pablo Jab, KC Contraception, Lee Min Hoe, Kath Sudon, Bee Song, Paula E. Yaught Kuya's Spokespipol

Davao Tripper Kuya's Tiktokerist

Bott Tom Kho, Mike Litoris, Lou Vutton, Dina Lily Go, Bea Bangenge, Nee Wang Kuya's Paparazzi

Maja Roth Kuya's Fast Hands

President Nadine Kuya's Sweetheart <3

Art by: Thor Jack

been more than nine months since the SOMOHON Student JugJug Ah-Ah Court started being LEGIT (FINALLY!). Last year, it was the “talk of the town” for Areneyans pero parang na-ghost tayo #sad #bh. As a member of the SOMOHON household and a bonafide student of the Areneyow, here is the question: Asan na ba ang court katagal na gud nun??

You'd think that an organization run by a court council of jesters, er, "magistrates," would have made some sort of progress on student rights issues, right? Well, we can describe the progress to St. Donnalyn Barcelona’s emotions while journeying through the ups and ups of life: happy to masaya to malipayon tapos happy na naman dahil back to work na pero after that masaya dahil di nanalo ang Philippines sa Miss Universe.

According to Chef Master Etsy Betsy Kwenta on SJC’s future, “may plan talaga kami hehe magwork on several projects tas post post forda

transparency ba emz xD.” However, nine months have passed, a baby is ready to be born from this wedlock but a project worthy to be called (my) baby never entered this universe.

According to an anonymous concerned Areneyan with the codename Princess Bolbolgum, “May projects man sila ba. Nakita ko sa socmed pero grabe ka onti. Grabe baya clout nila, as a cloutchaser lang yan sila?? (genuine question xD sana mapusuan #respectpost)”

Princess Bolbolgum was retracted by their friend saying, “Wag ka gud daw at least meron??”

The real question is, kadami ko gud issues na nakalap pero bakit parang kahina ng bandwidth, hindi maabot sakanila!?! Connect kayo sa Areneyow_WIFI_Jopay uiep.

We thought this quasi-judicial court would serve true to its purpose but all we got was a breakup text stating: "Hey, I don't think this is urgent. I'm sorry, but we’re preoccupied with personal matters that we're not going to share with you because they're personal nga eh. It's not you; it's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me."

In the first SOMOHON Illegal Hall Town, Associate Chef Master Edi Yarn Na Boss stressed that “Kami, ‘di kami magbuot buot kung may issue, nasa kanila na yan kung

Liza Seguerra and Bot Palu

It’s

magpetition sila or file ng complaint kahit gaano pa yan ka importante ngekngok,” which means they do not operate on chismis. So, while claims and issues to be investigated exist (i.e., Mañana Echapwera na naechapwera kuno in SMHN, underwhelming SECs na puro fake orgasms lang), the court can refuse to shake up the bed and make our eyes roll in satisfaction.

Maybe, Areneyans are meant to gaslight ourselves into thinking that everything is fine, issues will pass, and just teas will be served. The branding switched from standing with an Areneyan faith to crouching with the Areneyan weight of issues unlikely to be resolved despite filing a petition.

To fiat an issue means giving authority to resolve an issue. What SJC has done in its power is fiat these issues as “just issues.” It’s not urgent even when there are students hesitant to raise it, so why should they investigate, right?

“Active gani kami sa ibang bagay (ehe), sa issues pa kaya? Cnu kau jan!” they said. Yet as of writing, the SJC doesn’t seem to be “dealing” to the extent that their power allowed. At this point, they should file a leave of absence if hindi nila kayang isubo ang mga pagsubok, especially if the average erection size is between 5.1 and 5.5 inches.

On the bright side, they are still re-establishing, hence all we can do is sit and wait (for now). As an anonymous SJC defender said, “Wait lang natin ba! ‘Di maguol kay bago lang yan sila tapos hirap baya basta baguhan lang. Benefit of the doubt oy!”

The Jug-Jug Ah-ah arm was created for a reason, sana soon the reason will reasoning na noh?

Sana naman wag maging decoration org, ‘di na namin need ng cutie cutie lang pero walang laman! Hindi na namin need ng poster girls and boys and everything in between!

THE SOMOHON WE DASURV: ANONG GANAPCH?

My 2022 has been a rollercoaster ride, but as a student leader, EME LANG! It’s giving aspiring candidate long FB speech.

With the academic year almost coming to a close, we cannot ignore the true main character of this academic year - ME! Chariz. Ofc, si SOMOHON!

Mx. Mapagsamanthala’s term is such an iconic term for _ reasons: (1) there is finally a female SOMOHON president after 12345 years!, (2) it’s the return to campus era of Areneyans and (3) wala na koy maisip actually.

But despite the iconic term, ang dami pa ring gulo sa SOMOHON this year bhie! Here’s a recap of what goes awn inside the SOMOHON!

Four Sizzums and a What?

Four sisters, a group of besties, and a what? It can’t be called a wedding kasi hindi naman sila in unison (crying emoji). What a highlight for this year’s SOMOHON.

Last year, a lot of people were amazed by the fact that our Big 4 are women. Buti pa sa SOMOHON, babae ang Pangulo. Hays Pilipinas please keep up! Pero for realch, aanhin daw ba ang league of women kung may hindi from Kawlangsapat?

Ever since Mx. Mañana Echapwera won as the first bise-presidente from Gandanghari, things have not been great for her kasi nga… the obvious reason na di siya Kawlangsapat!

“Malain na gud talaga ako Kuya kasi I feel #LeftOut. Just because I’m Gandanghari? Kasalanan ko bang I love Magic Sarap Meliora? Sobra na talaga!”

We tried to reach Mapagsamanthala, Dina Bisaya and China Townch but they declined our interview kasi

nasa Samal pa daw sila. “Hello! Unfortunately we cannot be interviewed kasi nag laag pa kami with the SOMOHON girlies. Pero please wag niyo lang to ipost ha. Mwamwa chupchup!”

It can also be recalled (or if it was relevant enough for you) that during the Areneyow Pistea, a certain crocodile (char!) made a speech as part of the program, purposely leaving out Mx. Echapwera.

“Kudos talaga sa SOMOHON for organizing this fiesta! To Mapagsamanthala, Dina Bisaya and China Townch, congrats sa inyo! Wa namay nalimtan noh?”

And when Artenoise wrote an article about Mx. Echapwera’s resolution, they are accusing Artenoise of being one-sided?? As if it has something to do with Gandanghari LOL.

“Bakit sulatan niyo talaga basta hindi Kawlangsapat ang gumawa? Hays #oppressed #changeDPnalangkame”

So what is the purpose of adding a Vice President in the SOMOHON if we keep on singling them out right? Syempre dapat nga kasi daw taga Kawlangsa- charot tama na baka magtweet nanaman si Mx. Natatae.

While the SOMOHON Big 4 has it ups (naa ba jud) and downs, the reps seem to be besties! KTV and Samgyup buddies pa sila! Hays dapat ganyan din kayo make peace not war pls

Welcome (Still at) Home!

In the beginning, there was a promise. However… bakit nasa bahay pa rin kami?

Despite the promise of more onsite classes through HERFlex, it was something that wasn’t effectively actualized.

Prior to the 2nd semester, a lot of students have still been #feelingstuck at home since hindi parin nila pwede gamitin ang HERFlex.

On that same note, the return to campus was something that has been called for since the summer of last school year, following the “teasers” that there was a chance of the Areneyans going back to campus. During that same time period, there were a lot of mentions of the Areneyow being prepared to welcome students back to campus, which fueled the campaign of THAT certain slatech (looking at you, yellow one).

Technically speaking, the students have been back to campus…but does that count when it was realized slooowly by *late into* the 2nd semester? Char. Eme lang bhie. Were we ever really ready? Or baka hindi talaga tayo meant to be…

Additionally, a lot of us (including me OFC!!) have noticed how, contrary to the claims na ready na tayo mag #comeback, baket buh mas maraming naging extra curricular activities than academic endeavors on campus (asa man ang HERFlex diha bestie) by the start of the academic year? Shoutout sa activities but…baket naman natraffic ang F2F classes?

Haeisxt. Maybe we got lost in translation.

With all of these internal bardaguls and unimplemented promises by the SOMOHON, Kuyanews wanted to reach to

Mx. Mapagsamanthala to take her statement, but apparently ang hirap niyang ireach. Di pa jud magreply. So I did not bother. Matutulog nalang c me.

Sheesh S. Cudero and Mx. Conasha

‘KWENTO NILA YAN, SYEMPRE MAGALING SILA JAN’: WHEN THE MCS ARE NOTHING BUT NPCS

Graphic by: Gina Meet

national, local, and university politics OR even maybe an echochamber or whatever man talaga emz, ito talaga ang FRUU and probably nasa Kawlangsapat parin ang upperhand sa ayaw at gusto natin. Wala tayong magawa. (Uhm meron pero that’s for selfreflection hehe xd)

But with all the uneasiness this ERECTIONS, parang NPC nalang gud talaga sila. WHERE’S THE HYPE OY? WE WANT MORE!

Withthe highs and lows of Areneyow political circus, many claim to be the “main character” (MC) of the SOMOHON. However, the change of political dynamics in 2023 (a.k.a. new breeds of imperialists and pacifists) made the Areneyans dazed and confused on where the spotlight is shone, or maybe, Areneyans are just here for the beef.

Previously, SOMOHON was claimed to be dominated (monopolized) by a generation of leaders from Kawlangsapat. With their sponsored slate, OTOT, being a bunch of second options with only six candidates, their presence seems to be not sapat at all. Like, nandyan lang gud sila kasi they exist gud?

In an attempt to save themselves from their flop era, here comes "This year, gina away gud namin ang past, ngayon, at tomorrow" movement in facebook with matching blank indigo DP that was supposed to respond to "personal attacks" and "unfounded accusations" towards their OTOT models. Are they seeing things we do not see? Omg third eye moments?? Sinong kaaway niyo mga mhie?

Parang flop era na gyud talaga nila kay imagine the ones who claimed a Kawlangsapat-led SOMOHON has less manpower, paano man nila iassert kanilang dominance ang iba kung outnumbered sila? Bye bye na ba sa Kawlangsapat pavements??

On the other hand, the child born out of emancipation from Kawlangsapat’s tactics which eventually became a lost cause due to their public break up through text moment which lost them 50 batang may gilas, has been quiet ever since (kay nag-away-away naman sad internally).

Now that the ‘bida-bida’s’ position is alanganin, one thing they can do is grab the spotlight from Kawlangsapat, just like the principle of the very foundation of their faulty-lical party. With limited resources and questionable actions by the members (performative activism), they can only wish upon a shooting star they get over their non-players characters (NPCs) era.

Last but not the least, the Gandanghari who has been there ever since remains true to the chismis na neutral nga. Grabe kadami moments para ishift nila ang narrative sa kanila pero they said uh-

uh for peace and love lng tau #LivingTheAteneoWay.

With 10 candidates under their wing, ores na ang Kawlangsapat #StrengthInNumbers but it seems like they have been on the rocky roads pa (FOR SO LONG) and they plan to stay that way? Kontento era parin?? Paano niyo man iparamdam presence niyo in the heavenly spaces of the Arneyow if you can always be bullied by being mum on very important issues?

At the end of the day, all of them can still be equally self-righteous. Well, that’s politics for you. Kahit pa desente yan sila, their slate may or may not still affect their image. Who will actually be the main character? Or ang tunay na fruu is, bakit kami may pake sinong main character?

Although makasad talaga ang pag frame ng school politics as an agawan ng spotlight kahit na dapat a microcosm of

Siguro banking on imaginary haters made it more exciting? Papunta palang sa exciting part? Chaka. OR PAG MASS REPORT? Or pag field ng mga hello uhm kinsa gani ka fersons? Well, you can be the main character of your story if you choose to be. Or even, main character is a negative thing in this context. Ewan, ikaw na magdesisyon tutal jan ka magaling.

Kuya’s here to remind you to vote who you think will serve your interest as an Areneyen and not kay GWAPO SILAG PUBMAT or KAY SILA NAMAN GUD JUD NA EVER SINCE. Dili ta mag ing-ana vebs ha, mailhan tag tuta chz not chz. Basta vote wisely this erections! We’re looking at you!

Lalisa Andalio and Jack Cole

HELLO, STRANGER: ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION IN THE SOMOHON ERECTIONS?

Trixie Martyr and Penny Tration

However, sa pag forda go go go sa pinaka uga nga SOMOHON erections so far (or uga nga ba hmm), we ask: Na erect na sad ba ang Areneowan consciousness sa mga kandidatong gusto makasulod ug makalingkod sa pirti ka luag nga opisina sa SOMOHON?

Is it time to breed new leaders? Or is it time to withdraw sum-ol faces in the race towards the top? Or bottom, kamo bahala dagko na bitaw mo.

Is this it? Goodbye, Areneyeow? O basig hantod OTOT na lang jud ba ang tanan?

Well, well, well, Kuya’s got you well as your resident Kuya recently embarked on a quickie school tour to ask some strangers’ meaty and explosive thoughts regarding their fellow strangers running for office.

Chow Kink - 5th year, Uncivilized Engineering

For me kay choks pa sa chooks to go ang slate sa candidates this year kay if basehan ang context sa Philippine politics, sa preference man jud magdaog. Awa atong 2022 election oh, minghoy ang mga naay credentials kay ang mga nidaog jud katong politicians who made an effort to connect with the masses. Ang pinakadabest nga student leader kay kanang relatable ba, sama nako nga average student lang. Mao nay sakto.

Loulou Wakoniño - 3rd year, Binabayology

For me, I want more stimulation! The erections are not erectioning sa pagka karon, and I’m afraid na it will translate sa SOMOHON next sem? I heard some of the candidates kay naa daw ghosting tendencies. Kahadlok! Ang maingon lang jud nako kay wala kaayo ko kaila sa mga nanagan, except of course

sa sole candidate nga course mate ko duh. Not that it’s bad, pero makaisip sad ka ba if genuine gud ilang reason to run. There are high chances na some of these candidates kay nidagan lang kay gi-pressure sa mga prominent party leaders, overlooking their competence and fitness for the job in the process. If ing-ana man lang, we have to rethink the relevance of these poplars. Ga usik usik ra mog budget kung mema ra kaayo mog bets for office.

Kill Bott - 2nd year, Chaiii-cology

I don’t get the flak about labeling some candidates as “strangers?” Isn’t that the very essence of democracy? Look, we all want change and competence. So, if genuine ilang platforms and may attainable goals din sila, then why not? Why deprive them of the chance to lead?

Sui Generic - 3rd year, TVB

Majirita talaga me sa SOMOHON elex kay kadami petty issues gina awayan ng mga parties, eh deep inside mga closeted VVM apolo10s naman? Yung iba din mga pa woke woke saba kaayo sa twitter, feeling may imaginary haters. Anyways, cringe-fest din during campaigns

esp. harap sa Arrupe hall kay yung iba, todo todo maka hug ng mga people na more likely libakin din nila HAHA joke time yarn.

Zebbiana Lhuillier - 4th year, A former martial artist, who earned a black belt when she was 12 years old.

For me kay hindi man talaga naga matter if marami nakakakilala sa iyo. Para sa akin kay if ikaw, student leader ka, and gusto mo talaga manalo, kay you will do your best man jud na mailhan ka, ‘di ba? So far kay wala pa talaga nakapaimpress sa akin na mga candidates kay maybe dry af lang jud sila?

Mx. Princess Lorraine3rd year, nagtatanong

Ay election pala?

Ruben Patilla - 4th year, utol mo sa masa

Di jud ko managana anang politika oy. Banha kaayo! Murag korek mura rabag mga unsay gipangdaganan. Ang akoa lang gyud diri dol, di ko ganahan anang mga balik balik managan. Sum-ol nas nawong, may pa kanang mu-konek jud sa masa ba! Kanang hits you right in the feels tirada. Maong botohon

jud ninyo si kuan, kay migo mi ana niya.

Kikiam Mani PopcornAlumni, #AphileAphile

Uhm, for me, okay lang gud sya. Give chance to others oy.

Violet Batowski - 2nd year, Alex G apologist

OA ra man kaayo mo. OA check daw bi? TBH, payts ra gud kung wala kaayoy nakaila nimo. Isipa, perfect siya na pang-“underdog” story. If you were to ask, “Unsa man jud akong pulos sa life?”. Go and dwell in university politics. Bored? University politics. Dili ka arte? Ah sure win na jud ka ana eh. Basta, mabait, mabango, cute mag smile, malinis, botohon jud nako na.

Finally! Nahilom na jud ang mga baba. And after countless of interviews and intricate data gathering, Kuyanews can finally prove that, na-erect na jud ang consciousness sa mga taga Areneneyow for the SOMOHON elections. Iz berry ka mga participative!

However aroused these ferzons may be, may we never forget to eat laugh love and LOA. EMZ be critical pa rin if kaya ba ma-sustain sa SOMOHON wannabes ang clout and fervor sa ilang erection goals? Or basig forda kuda ra sad ang ferzonalities and mahulog na lang na erectile dysfunction ang kayagaw sa pagpiniliay og desurving leader!

Who knows? Kuya knows.

Ahhh, the most wonderful time of the year has come again— the season of erections!

Art by Elmo Ranas

Anal Ease Keating and Lou Aubrey Kant

THE BARDAGULAN: Tapaktapakan

Soaring High Tampon: Communication is the susi Viviyuuuh: Interpersonal communication is the susi. Bow.

Pangalawang Panggulo

ROUND 1:

ADeVetch: Forda what ang priorities ng SA forda term nyo mga fersons?

But for those who were not able to watch kasi tinamad magpunta sa campus or due to the hindi maayos na livestream (hays grabe na kayo Artenoise, ADeVetch and Cumerect), Kuya is here to provide you with the highlights of this year’s Tapaktapakan!

Let’s get on to it, shall we? Let's get ready to Bumble rumble!

ROUND 1:

ADeVetch: Forda what ang priorities ng OST forda next year forda fersons to help the Arneyans?

Jopay Napasmo (Gandanghari): Want ko jud maging IskolarNiJopay kayo gois! Bahala na kung #SorryGanitoLangAko vibes lang kayo basta wag ka lang mawalaa… wag ka lang mawalaaaaaa… ngayooon! *napiyok* Btw sure knb sa TranspoHabhab mo Mx. Kumanan?

Michelin Kumanan (Kawlangsapat): Luh uu ih grabe ka makeri lang mn gud yan basta mag talk2 lang tayo. Basta guys priority ko kau and ang transpo kc alam q naman d kau priority ng crush niyo…

ROUND 2:

ADeVetch: Nugagawen kung mutaas ang tuition?

Michelin Kumanan: Kung mutaas edi wow! Pero char grabe naman Arneyow basta pero dapat makause na kami ng classroom uys.

Jopay Napasmo: Korek ka jan teh! Ebarg naman Arneyow kung mutaas unya kami wala gihapon f2f classes? Ali diri bi dadalhin kita sa aking bahay dun tayo mag-aaway mwah!

Michelin Kumanan: Gets q naman na mutaas kay shempre dapat mutaas pud sweldo nila mamser dibuh.

SexyTary

ROUND 1:

ADeVetch: Kailan ba maging transparent ang OSG ante and how?

Soaring High Tampon (Kawlangsapat): I understood my assignment, basta ano, virtual assistance lang tayo mga ante.

Viviyuhh (Batanggilas): Update natin sila sa ganap ng SOMOHON oips! Apil baya ang SOMOHON fee sa tuition na ginapay ng Areneyans, mahal baya kaayo dai.

ROUND 2:

ADeVetch: How can the OSG ensure that #ChangeIsComing forda Arneyans?

Subsob Araneta (Batanggilas): Working in the SOMOHON changed me kasi experience is my teacher, basta I am proud to be part of the #UnvaccinatedStudentsGang. Ang want ko lang kay mag storytelling lang jud and gusto ko ma understand niyo na…*ding!*

Deins Goma (Kawlangsapat): HindigudjudgianswerniMs. Aranetaangquestionjudgud!

Sunggo Vlogs (Gandanghari): Korik ka Deins, basta aq gus2 q lng tlg na ichange ang STRAW. Like i-#pushnatintoh ang legislations.

Subsob Araneta: Haluh ebarg sila pinagtulungan aq! Help me pls! Ani man gud huhu kung nag listen lng kau saken huhuhu hindi kasi dapat always technical ang mga things.

ROUND 2:

ADeVetch: As chair of the Student Avengers Assembly, how can you assure na walang bardagulans mangyari between partisans?

Deins: Alam ko gud na ang assembly ay maraming ganap, ga-exercise man ang Areneyans, political exercise. May differences tayo eh so sabi nga ni madam TS, thisismeswallowingmypridestandinginfrontofyousayingimsorry forthatnight. In conclusion, Areneyans ang champions. thisismeswallowingmypridestandinginfrontofyousayingimsorryfort hatnight. In conclusion, Areneyans ang champions.

Subsob: Important kasi ang polpars for clout chasing, I endorse Magic Sarap Congress as my platform.

Sunggo: I am so sad that the other two did not answer maayos, saan ang technicalities guys? Importante yorn.

ROUND 3:

ADeVetch: How magcollab ang OVP and friends sa mga ganaps ng SOMOHON? And how ma-sure na may #MeTime ang mga Comishons?

Sunggo: Basta yung STRAWberry talaga naga think ako na magcreate ng safe spaces para sa Areneyans. What chu guys think?

Subsob: Huie! Hindi kasi ganyan noh! Independent kasi yan sila beshiewaps. DELE lang sila hilabtan Sunggo, i Chanel lang natin powers ng commissions sa areneyans.

Deins: True k jan tih. Basta idle q talaga si inang Taylor Batumbakal, quoting her again, theburgundyonmyt-shirtwhenyousplashedyour wineintomeandhowthebloodrushedintomycheeksso scarletitwasmaroon.

It is tradition that SOMOHON wannabes are put in the hotseat a.k.a the Tapaktapakan and Tologoyon, for Areneyans to eat them up like one hot plate of sisig before the erections. The wannabes were asked questions related to the position they are running for.

Treasure Hunter

BARDAGULAN:

Tapaktapakan Top 4 Digest

Presidentch

ROUND 1:

ADeVetch: Paano niyo i-keep ang #Pinkypromises, as well as the promises of other SOMOHON officersch?

Raphtor (Batanggilas): Ba’t tayo mag away away? Maging friendly lang gud tayo sa other clusters kasi stress masyado tayo sa acads, #WanSomohon tapos we won’t make pilit you to attend the ganaps kasi magustuhan niyo naman mag go. Rawr.

China Townch (Kawlangsapat): Syempre may departments man tayo under sa SOMOHON noh? I mamaximize natin yun basta ganern.

ROUND 2:

ADeVetch: May say ba ang SOMOHON sa mga controversial issues kahit hindi approve ni Fr. TeleTabs?

Raphtor: Magrelease lang kami ng reaction papers. 10 points each.

China Townch: Ibring ko lang yung Ordinary Areneyow sa mga issues, you know mas maging involve. Does that make sense?

ROUND 3:

ADeVetch: Paano niyo gamitin ang vetsin powers niyo?

China Townch: Syempre if may wrong na talaga edi gamitin namin yung vetsin powers namin.

Raphtor: Same sis.

Artenoise: And to formally close our program— Kawlangsapat: OTOT FTW!

And that ends our live coverage (chos). Basta guys, choose wisely this SOMOHON erections.

Kuya is watching you ;)

Art by: Bryle P. Sot

THINGS I LOVE HATE ABOUT BABYEM

Duga Lipa and Pina Biyaan

planning, Babyem channeled his inner Blair Waldorf by slaying the streets of New York City. During his first 100 days in office, Babyem paraded New York City and attended unnecessary events like the true New Yorker he is. Who cares if the Philippines was in shambles due to calamities? At least he got to slay the day away in the big apple. None of you poor people would understand.

import much kung it’s literally the local harvest season? Well, #AsAnIndecisivePerson.

Babyem's also a pro at party planning! He takes pride in hosting 5 extravagant and expensive parties in just 100 days. (Ms. Pinkity Drinkity could never!) Babyem's first milestone was his lavish victory party with VIP guests in Amanpulo. (Oh, diba? ‘Di mo alam saan yang lugar na ‘yan kasi mahirap ka!) Rumor has it that guests need to present 1 kilogram of onions to be able to attend the party. He always has the most organized events talaga! As a party connoisseur, Babyem only allows what's best for his dear mother's birthday party held only in the most sacred temple of all, the Malacañang Palace. It's truly amazing how multi-functional he made the palace. Sabagay, wala naman kasing ganap doon if not to party, right? Kina-cobwebs na kasi ang facility. Aside from his expertise in party

Babyem has the talent to connect one advocacy to another. He is both an advocate for anti-substance abuse and an inflation denier. He once commented, "We are not that high!" exclaiming his support to stop drug abuse and addiction. Babyem said the same comment when asked about economic inflation.

"In fact, I don't like Doja Cat's song "So High," Babyem said. “Ano bang alam ni Doja Cat sa inflation sa Pilipinas?”

By the way, he leads the DeFartMen ng Agriculshure. He's so cool for that kahit wala naman siyang background, expertise, and alam! Such a confident guy, noh? Kaya ngayon he's not able to plan and address the onion crisis properly. And as an out-oftouch ferson, he knows nothing about the onion farmers' struggles and concerns. Why

Moving on to the MahalKita InBestMen Fart, he's so proud of this that he's rushing it! Rushing to get our money! Before I forget to share, he also has a large amount of ConfiDental Farts. Guys who value money turn me on jud. Ano kaya use ng money na ‘yan? Gosh, he's so mysterious and secretive! He might use it for his own good. Babyem practices self-care din pala uy.

Anyway, we saved the best for last. This is his best trait! He loves his family. SO MUCH. I like family-oriented guys. It's the reason he ran for the presidency! Actually, wala talaga

but he had to as his family's survival depended on it. This is what he said, "And for us to defend ourselves politically, somebody had to enter politics and be in the political arena." See? He never ran for the country's development or people's welfare! Indeed, blood is thicker than water! Family and reputation come first, oy! Sino man lang yan sila!

My gosh. Do I have a fetish for guys who do nothing? I think YES! Anyway, congratulations on being nothing but a vlogger and nothing close to becoming a leader! So proud of him. Continue being useless, the sun to my moon, my Babyem <3.

Art by Mike Litoris

He's good at taking vlogs and achieved 1 million subs on WayTi! He's also good at denying national problems and mishandling situations! What

Jack Cole and Beth Logh

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