Kuyanews (2019) by Atenews

KUYANEWS

WE DON't mean any harm, except whenwe do

FEBRUARY 2019

BET ON YOUR BABIES

Reality competitions tend to be boring once viewers ‘get’ the formula behind them.

LEAD BY CHOS!

Over the years, ‘Abstain’ has never been absent in any Showmahan elections...

YOUR SOUND LOOKS FAMILAIR

In a land not so far away, 5000 deaths ago, the “gallant” knight Sir Too Dirty...

super classy ads FOR RENT:

FOR SALE:

WIEMAN TUITION FEE BUILDING with 7% increase per year

2 months advance 1 month deposit, 1 year contract

FOR SALE:

ORGMATES

Sana nasa Awiten ang Sexbomb Dancers Issue: La ginawa

Tugnaw lately, lami musuot ug toga.

Toga rentals available at Roxas Bench.

February 14.

Single Awareness Day

BIG 3 BATTLE FOR THE GREATEST SHOWMAHAN In anticipation for the coming university student elections, a battle of the greatest SHOWMAHAN GO TO PAGE 3

2 KUYANEWS January 2019

KUYANEWS STAFF Billibid Eilish Kuya’s Baby Gurl Pablo Job Kuya’s Baby Boi Jopay Kuya’s Banker Liza Seguerra Kuya’s Sugar Mom Lalisa Andalio Naomi Smalls of Asia Jack Cole Kuya’s Powerpuff Laguna Tripper Kuya’s Alter Kath Sudon, Gio Don Kuya’s Elders Lana del Rey Valera Kuya’s Another elder

BET ON YOUR BABIES

eality competitions tend to be boring once viewers ‘get’ the formula behind them. To spice things up a bit, shows like ANTM brought us College Edition and British Invasion, RuPaul’s Drag Race brought us All Stars 2, and Pinoy Big Brother brought us All In. Following the footsteps of its reality show predecessors, the Showmahan Elections isn’t about

by: Kuya and friends

Cumerect’s new twist will for sure be entertaining and will for sure rake in the necessary votes from the soon-to-be majority infant population.

to give up on its barely-reachingquorum voting audience: this year, they’re letting babies into the race to become the ringleaders of Showmahan. You read it right, and you read it here first: babies. Notable contestants include Mini Libag’s newborn, Fake Lacoste, who was famously recruited into the ranks of Kawlangsapat as a fetus and birthed as a sacrifice to their lord and holiday extender Tom Cat. Suffice to say, Tom was appeased with the sacrifice and took up Lacoste as Showmahan understudy and occasional thorn on everyone’s side. Another contender is toddler Crisfaye Patatas, who, as an infant, broke wombs and expectations when she pulled a Pied Piper to persuade The Potentials™ with her stunning

Trixie Martyr, Sulbyan Ransulin Kuya’s Picture people Void Abunda, Timothee Charmelet, Regina George W. Bush Kuya’s Totally Spies Anal Ease Keating, Lou Aubrey Kant, Bea Bangenge, Jack Collin Kuya’s Fambam Gina Meet, Andi Moore, Katya Kuya’s Squad Bea Bunda Kuya’s Bff Ellen Ibong Adarna, Nadine Nabonavi, FKA Twink, Lucky Teetee Kuya’s Other Squad Queen Bibi Kuya’s <3 Art by Jack Collin

January 2019

KUYANEWS drawings that remained uncolored to this day. Armed with lessons of the past and a framed copy of Lacoste’s strongly-worded complaint about her drawings, Patatas roams the halls of Areneo preparing for the inevitable showdown come February 13. Cumerect’s new twist will for sure be entertaining and will for sure rake in the necessary votes from the soon-to-be majority infant population. After all, they need someone in the Showmahan to understand their googoo ga-ga. But what isn’t certain is the effect letting babies run will have on the Showmahan itself. Sure, they have the potential and the underdeveloped heart to fill the need to be known and be remarkable serve, but do they have the full package, the Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent that their parents have? In the past, babies have competed in the Showmahan race, some of them even emerging victorious. They were considered outliers back then, remarkable blips in the mundane truth of the Showmahan cycle. Now that it’s become the norm, things are a bit more complicated and weird. The Showmahan calls for fully developed eyes and ears and consciences, and now we’re cheering on impressionable infants still learning their ABCs to go head to head with time-worn, leather-skinned propaganda machines invested only in the interests that benefit themselves. We’re in dire need of Showmahan winners in touch with the people they represent, their wants and needs, but we’re about to let toddlers out of the loop with the problems in their own divisions lead us into either glory or doom. Is Arneyo truly ready to babysit, or will our contestants’ temper tantrums spell our ABCD-End?

They were considered outliers back then, remarkable blips in the mundane truth of the Showmahan cycle. Now that it’s become the norm, things are a bit more complicated and weird.

FROM PAGE 1..

BIG 3 BATTLE FOR THE GREATEST SHOWMAHAN

by: Liza Seguerra

n anticipation for the coming university student elections, a battle of the Greatest Showmahan between the two political parties was held last week at the Hipster Auditorium. With Showmahan not only being a battle of wits and looks, but also the charisma and words that can hook people in, candidates groomed themselves in pristine white clothing brought to you by Tide and uploaded several testimonies that brought MX3 to shame. Kawlangsapat and Gandanghari face head on in this year's Showmahan Showdown as the Booklet did not have any candidates for this year. Kawlangsapat boasted on their X-ray Vision 2020 which lowkey had the student population worried if they had nothing planned for 2021. When Kuyanews asked Consolation Prize what was his edge against his competitor, Consolation Prize was speechless. He had no competition. However, in what could have been an easy win for Consolation Prize, he backed out. The abrupt decision caused a clamor among the audience. Instead, Cumerect presented the audience with wildcard contenders Airbender Ang and Armani Montero Sport for the Greatest Showmahan Master. Airbender Ang readily became Plan B of Kawlangsapat. He danced to TWICE as it represented how he was asked to run twice before he gave in.

present in every "ganap" in school. Crisfaye Patatas of the Gandanghari also prided in her experience as she used to work for Sa Pulso Mo. As for the showdown for the next Showmahan Cashier, it was a freelance mowdeling showdown. Janna Gives Janna Takes Frontrow promised a Paskuhan event on giving towards others. Frontrow shared her pageant-level speech, staying true to her Gandanghari-ness. "The life there is very... it's poor and it's very sad. And I've always taught myself to look for the beauty in it, to look in the beauty in the faces of the children, and to be grateful. And I thank you," tear-stricken Frontrow shared. E-Push It To Dallemit went on stage in athletic wear and showcased his athletic prowess and flexed a-la Freelance Mowdel. On the model was a high-end pair of glasses with the signature Vision2020 of Kawlangsapat. Gabe Apnako, a second year Accountancy student, shared her misgivings about the current showdown. "I don't know lang ha, but I think that the platforms of the candidates are not so chada. They seem to ride on the current programs of the university and present it as if without them we would not have these programs," she shared. Wing Kidding, a first year Nursing student, as a first-time voter of the Showmahan shared how overwhelming it was. "Oh my Gosh, bay, Twitter and groupchats have become oversaturated with election posts. I can't scroll through in peace," Kidding ranted to Kuyanews.

Armani Montero Sport did a last minute number representing Gandanghari with a storytelling of all the places he went to embodying the Arneyo way.

Trishiyayaya XB Batanes, Cumerect Cumissioner gave a stern reminder to the students and the running candidates.

For the battle for the next Showmahan Secret General was full of potential as newly-minted college students Fake Lacoste and Crisfaye Patatas ran for such position.

"For the students, vote wisely and report voting issues to the Cumerect volunteers and not stir drama on social media. As for the candidates, I want a clean showdown and remember the rules we set," Batanes remarked.

Lacoste of the Kawlangsapat Party presented his latest lineup of reptilian haute couture. He banked on audience impact as he made sure to be

4 KUYANEWS January 2019

Lead by Chos!

by: Pablo Job

AB S

TA I

Art by: Ellen Ibong Adarna

ver the years, ‘Abstain’ has never been absent in any Showmahan elections. Despite the struggle of competing against the Areneyo’s student celebrities and seasoned event-organizers, ‘Abstain’ has tried its best. But, instead of giving it an equal chance of fighting, Cumerect choose to weed it off.

The Cumerect is full of bursting ideas on how to resolve the electionrelated issues they face annually, and one of them, is to remove the ‘abstain’ button from the ballots. Cumerect just crafted a brand of tiny adhesive bandage that will make Bandead pale next to it. It is said to conceal the underlying problem of the annual record-breaking voters’ turnout. If you are thinking of a creative plan on how to urge students in exercising their right to vote or a strategic campaign on how to maintain a clean election, forget it. The Cumerect is full of bursting ideas on how to resolve the election-related issues they face annually, and one of them, is to remove the ‘abstain’ button in the ballots. The students thought we would end up with their slogan “Lead by Choice,” but the phrase apparently assumes the shape of “Change Scamming” as they follow in the footsteps of the national elections. For them, ‘abstain’ is no longer needed on the screen layout of ballots. If you insist in choosing no one from the rows of event organizers, go, just click ‘next’ and it will be counted as an ‘abstain,’ but they still insist to remove the ‘abstain’ button as a displayed choice. As Carly Rae Jepsen likes to put it, “Freedom is always constrained by laws or rules that apply equally to all members of a society.” Although Cumerect was once the confused and complacent classmate in your room, the game has changed now. Cumerect is stepping up (at least in preventing the hassle of putting codes for ‘Abstain’ in the screen layout of ballots and/ or putting up another “free election” should the elections fail). One would raise an hour-drawn eyebrow to somebody who claims that the Cumerect’s top priority is to protect the students’ non-existent rights, because their top priority all along is actually to combat the fear of failure of elections. They could do both, but it is too much work. Cumerect’s recent stint teaches us to choose convenience over the fight for the right to vote for ‘abstain,” which in turn reminds us of the broken and recycled platforms by colored rugs. Cumerect’s version of the Arenean way of ignoring the foundation of election also teaches us to dismiss and ignore students’ rights much further, knowing that we have already seen these rights crumbling throughout the course of time.

January 2019

KUYANEWS

Art by: FKA Twink

Kawlangsapat intensifies show struts

fter a year of vocal lessons, posture exercises, and sipsip drills, various legions proudly present its set of well-trained minions, ready to compete for the different Showmahan roles. With the support of other media networks and talent agencies, the leading station, Kawlangsapat is showing no signs of surrendering their reign. Showmahan Master, Tom Cat explains that the annual

by: Billibid Eilish and Lalisa Andalio

Kawlangsapat training is the best in Areneyo and is superior to other infantries. With the provision of their allies, both local and international, Kawlangsapat promises a rollercoaster ride for the Areneans, with free VIP tickets for those without 20/21/22 vision. “Since almost 33 years ago, we have been equipped with the right amount of spice and everything nice. Our minions are ready to conquer the battlefield because Areneans deserve nothing less for our Showmahan. This is not our battle alone, this is for the whole Areneyo,” Tom said. After last year’s box office landslide hit, Kawlangsapat has garnered various awards to keep a tight grip on Showmahan. Current Secret General Mini Libag was awarded as the Best Supporting Performer while

Janchin Parindillo was declared as the Most Outstanding Muse and Keeper of the treasure chest. Rumor has it that Libag and Parindillo have been training their understudies to take their roles once they retire for good. On the other side of Areneyo, Consolation Prize headed the league of Legendary Presidents who was also from Kawlangsapat. According to Prize, he was thankful to be part of the long-term plan of Kawlangsapat domination. They were also able to control the seemingly-perfectyet-rotten-inside Cheating Chubs Ohno under Jeje Sense, a veteran in training protegees. For the next AY, Kawlangsapat is determined to implement martial low, not just in Showmahan but in all parts of Areneo. With these, Gandanghari can’t help but say, “Sana all.”

For the next AY, Kawlangsapat is determined to implement martial low, not just in Showmahan but in all parts of Areneo.

6 KUYANEWS January 2019

YOUR SOUND LOOKS FAMILIAR by: Timothee Charmelet and Regina George W. Bush

n a land not so far away, 5000 deaths ago, the “gallant” knight Sir Too Dirty and his faithful left hand Kuya PhotobongGo marched into the Kingdom of the Felipens. Four months before the muchawaited midterm elections, mounting their horses and raising their banners, swearing, “Change is crawling to your villages!” With his blunt lance, Sir Too Dirty valiantly vanquished any who threatened the land.

Art by: Nadine Nabonavi “P*ta***na kayo! Patayin ko ka’yo” he cursed time and time again. Unknowingly, he was really shouting at the citizens of the land. Despite many drawbacks from his mission, he still kept fighting the imaginary criminals and monsters. If these are the qualities the gallant Too Dirty possesses— irrational, unideal, and above all, insane, what more his faithful underling? Kuya PhotobongGo, a loyal follower of Sir Too Dirty in many adventures. Due to his tendency to share farfetched tales (and diligent selfies) where he is usually Sir Too Dirty's co-star, PhotobongGo has also gained popularity. As Sir Too Dirty promised more victories, General Stone, Squire Allen Kahit Ano, and many more also joined his company. Whether they contributed to the ‘victories’ of Sir Too Dirty or were merely there for exposure, can’t be said for sure. Recently, Sir Too Dirty’s followers have also filed their certificate to be knighted. It is believed that the pretend enemies would be defeated faster with more knights in the round table.

Life in the Felipens can be a real struggle with knights like Sir Too Dirty whose adventures are a bit way too far from arm’s reach. Not to mention his followers who can be more weasellike than knightly— sticking by Sir Too Dirty’s side during victories to claim fame but away in bars and other business for the struggle. A perfect way to take credit. The tale of Sir Too Dirty and his followers are no different from those of the Arenean knights. Areneyo’s candidates for knighthood, much like Kuya PhotobongGo, have been like a shadow to the current King of the land. For sake of exposure to the people, most of these servants are always around their masters during events to be showcased and recognized as one of the elected SHOWMOHAN knights. These Felipinian and Arenean knights gaining familiarity through kasipsipan with their masters only makes their sincerity more questionable. Their armors may be shining on the outside, but then again, they may be thoroughly rusted on the inside. In the end, their promise of vanquishing real demons may be just their way of gaining the public’s trust and securing their ranks.

Life in the Felipens can be a real struggle with knights like Sir Too Dirty whose adventures are a bit way too far from arm’s reach.

January 2019

KUYANEWS

Thank u, next!

by: Trixie Martyr and Naomi Smalls of Asia

tudent leaders have it easy these days burning out and not feeling it? Resign! Nobody appreciates what you do, or everyone invalidates your efforts? Resign! Having more enemies than friends? Resign! Just say it’s for ‘personal’ and ‘academic’ obligations. It’s not like Areneo lacks a pool of event organizers leaders, anyway. But ex-[redacted] of [redacted] cluster would beg to differ - vouching for anonymity, Bee Nalewala prefers to be kept confidential to save his (alagang Koryan skincare) face. “Hindi man gud ‘yan basta-basta lang magresign. Ginapag-isipan gud ‘yan ‘tas ginadeliberate ng head before ma-approve aming resignation,” Bee Nalewala said, keeping his cool to not seem O.A. “It’s harder than it sounds jud,” he added. Asking for context behind his reasons for resignation, Bee Nalewala exclaimed, “Hindi man sa nagburn out ako or what. Love ko man cluster ko pero kapoy jud yang hindi gina-appreciate efforts ko gud? Like, hello, kahirap gud sa ginagawa ko pero sabihin niyo pa na wala akong tabang. Pero really part lang yan ng reason. Mostly talaga kay acads and time for self-care,” he said. Bee Nalewala’s interview should’ve ended here but he wanted to rant more. “Also, samok talaga na ginawan pa ako ng meme. Ano ako, joke-joke lang? So unprofessional,” (Interview edited for brevity). When asked about her ate’s and kuya’s resignations, first year student-slash-aspiring Youtuber Chinita Cutie had no idea, but she said she could relate to Bee Nalewala’s sentiments. “Ma-gets ko man siya. Like sa Math gud namin ako naggawa lahat ng paper namin tas after peer eval kay hindi pa jud ako nakakuha ng highest score, like hello? Kasakit gud ng back ko tas may 0.69 na difference pa jud sa score ko with that girl who did nothing but pa-cute sa Insta.” “Wala talaga nila na-appreciate efforts ko, pero sige nalang hindi na ako nagsumbong. A parin prelim ko, so what’s the point? It’s, like, whatever,” Chinita Cutie said. On a different note, students from That™

Art by: Kath Sudon cluster felt very pleased when Iya Kin filed her resignation as That™ Rep.

Kaya siguro siya nagresign coz she ain’t got no tears left to cry,” he said.

In an interview, That™ SEC officer and Mineski 2 housemate Vaklang Nerd shared that he can only feel Iya Kin’s presence during awarding ceremonies.

In this year of resignations, the tea tsunami is very much appreciated, but the impact and dynamics of failed leadership, not very much. Where’s the commitment and heart of service y’all vouched for? Marketing strategy and pahumot lang?

“Uy grabe, kasaya gud namin dzai, kasi during major events like Palaro, wala gud talaga sya sa mga actual event. She’s only present during awarding. Like, hello, rep po siya hindi next top model,” he said. When asked about Iya Kin’s major contribution to the cluster prior to her resignation, Vaklang Nerd laughed, saying her only contribution was her tears. “Dzai, sige lang siya iyak. Konting puna, hilak dayun.

It’s not always about the credit and the glory student leadership gives, but if that’s what you’re after, then you’re very much welcome to resign. Just say it’s for personal and academic reasons. Besides, someone’s out there just waiting to take the seat. Or, in the wise words of Kween Ariana Catalunan Grande, “Thank u, next!”

LOOKING FOR:

BATCH 2018 YEARBOOK

Return our money or else......

8 KUYANEWS January 2019

PBB-Lavan tops SWS poll

by Sulbyan Ransulin and Lucky Teetee

uling political party in the Philippines PBB-Lavan dominates the recent paSosyal naWrong na Shervey (SWS) polls conducted last March 1945 minutes after President Too Dirty was born. Political candidates PhotobongGo, Batuh, and Mokhang Uso got 69% Trust rating. Universal Photobomber (formerly national until his recent selfie with Ms. Universe Catriona Gray) PhotobongGo became notable for being President Too Dirty’s cute little puppy. His undying loyalty (and potential idolatry) to his master can be seen from his affairs. As each place has its own attraction, PhotobongGo also has his own beaches in every city. He is known to build (or give) properties to each of his beaches.

Recently, he was spotted crashing a youth event. He received a warm welcome from all the surprised student leaders. With joy, they eventually sang along his own cover of Hotdog’s 1996 pop song. The said event turned out to be a success. Retired Police Mascot now BuCo Director General Batuh, accomplishing more than 12,000 deaths during his previous term much to the delight of human rights groups and the Vatican, unpredictably announced to reinstate death penalty if he will be granted a seat in the Senate. Meanwhile, Mokhang Uso, who was not fired as PCSO Assistant Secretary but willingly resigned, still continues to raise the intellectual discourse by posting accurate data, sensible information, and thoughtprovoking videos in her reputable Facebook page which had its humble beginnings from informative sex advices and instructional howto-insert videos. Last October, she declared to run as a representative for a political party previously linked to pork barrel scam. Other very popular candidates

include Koko Dormitel, Tologtino, and Mangadatu. The PBB-Lavan slate was named GoBa MaKoTo Mo (translated ‘damaged’ and ‘full of lice’).

Art by: Katya

psa

"Sexual abuse is not something to take lighty It is not something to be condoned... It's a coversation we should all listen close to." #Consent2019

Universal Photobomber PhotobongGo became notable for being President Too Dirty’s cute little puppy.

ERRATUM: Sorry. We don't make mistakes. SHTUMOYOIN?

January 2019

BREAKING

KUYANEWS

'Suspicious' priest spotted shaking vendo machines by: Bea Bunda

hree of the 3499 officially enrolled Areneans gasped in surpise after witnessing a familiar priest suspiciously wobbling a vendo machine last Friday at the closed building of Finster.

actiburst organization of Arreneyo hatched at the secret basement of the abandoned Finster building, the admin is facing the most difficult, desperate academic year, or better yet, decade. "Pinapabayad nila ang non-graduating students for something they cannot benefit from. Case in point, Aluminum Center. It's the only open, energyconsuming section ng Finster building, but the students don't even know what that center is up to. It's just off to make students pay for their nonstudent-related business," Aktibest Presh Yougue Kru stressed.

According to the students who were walking from the 5th floor of Capricious, which by the way is the only operational building this academic year, attested that spare coins came out of the vendo machines following the rigorous shaking.

Apart from the booming business of Bluegreen Coffee located at the former office of then-cash-filled Feenuns office and the removal of the plastic-vomiting vendos, the admin took their "environmental" drive to the next level.

"Panaog sana kami to make a full bayad sa aming affordable tuish, i mean, it's just, like, 7%, right? Pero gigulat talaga kami masyado ng isang father figure. Basically, na-frighten kami kasi, like, saba masyado ang coins," Jhemerlyn told Kuyanews while sipping a straw-free, pearl-less milk tea. While vacating the Feenuns office to a smaller office to give way for the usurpation Areneyo branch of Bluegreen Coffee that would cater the overall standard lifestyle of the 70% Arreyan student population, VP for Feenuns Genie Akalamo coughed a few times before giving a response to the said incident.

More â&#x20AC;&#x153;changesâ&#x20AC;?

Feesikal Plant Office (FPO) announced Monday that all airconditioner units in the Jacinto campus will be set and locked at 25 degrees Celcius. For Ya Boi JT, raising the temperature actually "compensates the cold weather brought about by the tail of cold front." Moreover, the university cafeteria also announced last Tuesday that they will now be charging P5 for a Knorr cube-infused soup. Students who are saving up tweeted nothing but disappointment and despair.

"I think it's a common Arreneyan From 'safyr' to suffer magisunderstanding. Naka-schedule kasi ang removal ng lahat ng vendos kasi the admin deems Despite the controversial vendoit off if the school continues to allow plasticshaking incident of a familiar father dispensing vendos. I mean, we're doing the green figure that eventually went viral on Twitter thing just like what we usually do," Akalamo said as and last year's excruciatingly highest he lifted boxes of suspected coins and 20-peso bills. tuition and other fees increase, parents and guardians remained adamant in 'Undergraduate students, pay for us' sending their children to Arneyo for the sake of quality education. Unlike the case of Jhemerlyn who she herself admitted that she has this social condition called According to the survey, 90% of congenital privilege, a lot of students and parents the parents, including self-supporting raised their eyebrows after allegations of goingstudents, are still willing to give all toward-bankruptcy cost-cutting measures went their hard-earned, sweat-laden money public. even though the school failed to achieve 3500-student quota that should have For some members of Aktibest, the new

prevented the anticipated fees increase. "Yes, of course. They're safyr-ing while ignoring us that weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re suffering. I've heard nga daw may vendo pa sa may Claveria-Del Rosario area, might as well maki-shake na lang kaya kami ng vendos doon for spare change," Tita Anggalita sighed after sharing her sentiments. As of press time, Areneyo Jacinto campus is still recovering from the breakup with his lover, Arneyo SHS, following conjugal loss worth P230M.

10 KUYANEWS January 2019

Wala naman masyadong pagbabago sa buhay niyo, Tigers. Pagod at puyat parin kayo this year. Pero mas maraming requirements at projects kayo. So STOP CRAMMING! Kung plano niyong magka-lovelife, paki-postpone muna PLEASE dahil di madaling igapang ang Engineering at Architecture. Galingan din ang performance this year sa fiesta dahil nakakapagod na ring maging second best. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Para ba naman kayong sino kung makapagcheer, eh di naman nakakaahon from 1st runner up. Naging champion nga last year, tie naman with the mortal enemy. Not counted.

Wolves! Iwasan natin magresign this 2019 sa kahit anong organization sa school at baka magising ka na lang isang araw naging isang meme ka na dahil sa pagmo-mock ng orgmates mo. At kahit anong rant mo na i-delete, hindi nila yan ide-delete LIKE AS IN because of who they are as people. So in short, wag munang sumali ng clubs at magfocus sa inyong acads. Magsimula na rin mag stretching dahil kasali na sa Palarong Atenista 2019 ang Track and Field: Journalism Class edition. Para umulan ng swerte, makinig kay Britney Spears buong taon. Wag kalimutan ang kanyang hit single “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” dahil ito ang hihigop ng lucky energy.

Laban lang talaga this year mga besh. Continue waving that white flag… ooops Kung gusto ng swerte this year, iwasang magkamantsa ang white uniform. Hindi siya pleasing sa eyes.

Magiging maganda ang takbo ng 2019 sa division niyo Griffins if and only if you CHOOSE YOUR REP WISELY! Di niyo na kailangan ng another sitting pretty for a rep, right? You are known for being GAHOT kaya iapply na rin yan sa pagpili ng representative that will really represent the Gahotness of the Accountancy Division. Ngayong September 2, 2019 2:18 AM, siguraduhing magsindi ng maraming itim na kandila (gamitin ito upang i-spell out ang ‘CPA’) at sabay-sabay na kantahin ang DDU-DU DDU-DU by Blackpink. Tandaan, wala ni isa ang dapat magkamali sa lyrics, kapalit nun ay ang hindi niya pagpasa.

Tataas na po ang rank ng inyong division sa Sayawtenista this year ngunit ito’y isang mahirap na paglalakbay dahil hindi mahahagilap ng SEC ang CS people dahil busy pa sa pagco-code. Baba naman kayo sa 6th floor, guys. Try socializing this 2019 para maarawan naman kayo at magkakulay ang inyong buhay. Concerned lang, baka kasi sa makalawa ay naging color violet na kayo. If this happens, pls consult your doctor. P.S. Make sure na bantayan niyo ang rep na pipiliin niyo, OK? Baka iyakin yan at magaling lang tumaggap ng awards. Upang hindi malasin, basahin at isapuso ang nilalaman ng Student Handbook page 91.

(Took me five days to write something about this division. Ang dilim ng future. Akala ko malabo na mata ko, sadyang wala talagang future HAHAHA chos sige I’ll try na) shet wala talaga. A lucky 2019 is not for you, Dragons. Para maiwasan ang sobrang kamalasan, i-deactivate ang twitter accounts (public, alter, and rant accounts) sa buong taon.

Ugaliing magdasal dahil malaki ang posibilidad na may magto-top sa LET na from BSEd English. Pero kapalit nito ay ang hindi pag graduate ng kalahati sa mga graduating ngayong April 2019. Upang ito’y maiwasan, wag munang magdasal. JOKE. Mayroong dalawang paraan upang mawala ang sumpa: 1. Sabay-sabay na mag plank sa Roxas grounds for 18 minutes. 2. Sayawin sa Roxas Grounds sa lahat ng activity period sa isang linggo ang lahat ng kanta ng Blackpink. If someone shows any signs of weariness, ialay siya sa kampon ng katamaran. Like hello? Future ng whole batch nakasalalay dito.

January 2019

KUYANEWS Walang #TindogBitin na nangyari last year! Try maging competent next school year at baka umangat ang ranking sa Fiesta and Palaro. Ayusin din ang academic standing dahil tandaan may 2.0 qpi requirement po tayong hinahabol mga sizt. We don’t wanna delay that graduation, right? Don’t settle for less like you always do. For a lucky 2019, iwasan ang mga lugar kagaya ng Dox, Secret Spot, JGAA, at Bricklane. Instead, sa Suazo na lang mag “chill”. This is not a paid advertisement.

Oh wow, I thought 8 lang ang divisions. Hmmm. Keep up tayo sa pag-prove ng ating existence, mga Falcons! Abangan ang NSM forecast sa next release ng Kuyanews which is probably next year. Patuloy lang tayo sa pagmemorize ng scientific names ng mga halaman.

FORECAST Areneo Divisions Edition by: Ate Nadine

KUYANEWS FEBRUARY 2019

First Blood

ocial relevance is clearly a thing of the past now. We have moved on from those barbaric and archaic ideals and have finally developed a newer set of concepts and convictions to govern our society.

This revolutionary movement is grounded on three fundamental principles namely, safety or playing safe so as not to anger the admin, ambiguity or staying low-key so as to avoid controversies, and selectivity or being exclusive so as to monopolize power. Advocates of the said movement fill not the streets of Freedom Park but the virtual walls of SHOWMAHAN Community of statements claiming their support for relevant issues and subsequently not doing anything about it aside from the said pub-mat releases. Apparently, lobbying resolutions that address these issues at the university level is

beyond their capacity.

A special alliance was formed by the movement’s advocates and labeled it as OurSOMOHON, a non-profit student governing body which organizes events for students, promotes inclusiveness by adding a prefix “our” in the label, and then appointing newly recruited members (of a renowned political party) to high-ranking positions. Although this movement is being resisted by others such as AdMU’s TheirSANGGU and UST’s NotOurCSC, which are alliances from other universities still trapped in the Spanish colonization era where all student-leaders do is dissent against corruption and other forms of injustices, OurSOMOHON remains unbothered.

While other student bodies from other universities brought to public their protest against impunity on the anniversary of Maguindanao Massacre by wearing black on the UAAP stadium to show their condemnation of the said injustice to show their resistance on the said movement – OurSOMOHON, on the other hand, made a well-thought, impressive statement on the issue of Martial Law extension. Pretending to care, they released a vague statement which seemed to reflect their stance on the said issue – that is, abstract. Jackson Pollock, an evolutionary figure in and a major contributor to abstract expressionist movement in the field of arts couldn’t be any prouder of the masterpiece of an art OurSOMOHON had crafted.

Loyalists of this movement who eventually became apologists were fed with false hopes when OurSOMOHON released pub-mats regarding authored resolutions addressing certain student concerns but then subsequently ghosted by not giving the students any update whether the resolutions have been actually lobbied or not. “False hopes” has become the movement’s mantra. Social media influencer @TitaKnows_ wrote on her blog a critical review on OurSOMOHON, “Hindi man gud talaga natin sila ma-blame. Since the campaign period, when the movement was to start pa lang, the founders already said thru their platforms what they’re fighting for, and these were SukiCard, JaDine or KathNiel during fiesta, etc. You can’t really expect them to go for concerns like revising the magna carta for students or even tuition fee increase freeze, duh. “Elitist platforms are the new lit kasi. Gone are the days when student bodies actually voiced out and fought for student concerns na ‘yung legit gud oy. ‘Yang like hindi lang what the students want but also what the students really need,” she further explained. In this day and age where the line which separates and distinguishes need from want has become blurry and finer and finer by every passing minute, the movement’s struggle to stay relevant has also become an uphill battle. Still, it managed to flourish and even redefined what it means to be relevant.

NOW SHOWING