OY VEY

OY VEY! HAVE I GOT A PROBLEM...

Dear Rachel, I’ve had a close friend, Naomi, for years. During the last few years, I’ve started questioning our relationship and sadly wonder if it’s time for me to bow out of the friendship. Naomi truly has a heart of gold. But she suffers from extreme anxiety, and honestly, it makes me uncomfortable. If we’re running a little late, she goes ballistic, and if a problem comes her way, it is all-consuming and measures a 10 on the Richter scale. While I enjoy Naomi’s company when she’s in “normal” mode, knowing that anything can change this dynamic dramatically and suddenly is like having a cloud perched on top of me. I know Naomi would be terribly hurt if I say goodbye. And I would suffer, too. I care deeply about her and would miss her being part of my life. But I can’t allow my own mental health to suffer, can I?

Please advise.

Sincerely,

Naomi’s Friend

Dear Friend,

What a tough dilemma! Severing a longstanding, treasured friendship would certainly leave you in pain, in addition to causing Naomi hurt, which you are loath to do. Before we jump to that option, perhaps there are other avenues to explore.

Is there a way to put a stronger fence around the friendship? Perhaps if you get together with Naomi less frequently, your time together won’t feel as challenging. And I wonder if you can bolster your own capabilities so you can better handle her anxiety.

For example, imagine you are taking Naomi to the airport, and you run into a traffic jam. Naomi starts to hyperventilate, and you bite your lip and feel your heart begin to drum hard and fast. Can you take a deep breath to calm yourself and simply say, “Naomi, a traffic jam doesn’t have to result in a missed flight. In fact, most of the time, it doesn’t. It may mean more of a rush in the airport. But how about we decide to think positively and assume you will probably make your flight?”

Depending on what Naomi is obsessing about, can you try to help her consider other possibilities? Ask her if she can assess the likelihood of her worry coming true on a scale of 1-10. This simple exercise may jolt her out of her unnecessary angst.

Humor is often a great tactic to diffuse a tense situation. If you can get her laughing, you’ll both feel better.

Here’s another thought, but it will take courage and contains an element of risk. “Naomi,” you say, “I think about you a lot. You know how much I treasure you. But I’m worried about your anxiety; it’s not good for you. Have you considered getting help so that you’ll feel better?”

Naomi may appreciate your caring and respect you enough that she will consider your suggestion. Or she can get angry, lash out, and may even break up your friendship.

If you have tried these steps, and Naomi’s anxiety continues to affect you adversely, it may be time for some serious introspection. 1. Can I handle the way this relationship is affecting me? 2. If the answer is no, can I gently close the door and tell Naomi that I am not available when she wants to get together? 3. The third option is to be blatantly honest. “Naomi, I care deeply about you. But your anxiety is pulling me down. I hope you can get help to manage your feelings. For right now, I need to take a break from spending time together. But I’ll be here waiting for you…

Clearly, you cannot engage with a friend who has a negative effect on your wellbeing. You want to be the best you can be, for yourself, your family, and your community. If an outside force is impeding your goals, it may have to be removed from your vicinity.

I hope you can find a way to help Naomi. In my idealistic vision, I see you helping her, directly or indirectly, to triumph over her anxiety so that she can be her best self. And as a side benefit, your friendship will be that much richer.

Wishing you all the best,

Best of luck, Rachel

Atlanta Jewish Times Advice Column

Got a problem? Email Rachel, a certified life coach, at oyvey@atljewishtimes. com describing your problem in 250 words or less. We want to hear from you and get helpful suggestions for your situation at the same time!

Always Late

Sarah was always late to work no matter how much she tried to be on time or how many times her boss scolded her. She just could not wake up on time. Her boss said she would fire her if it did not stop. Sarah decided to seek the advice of her doctor. He prescribed her some medication and told her to take one pill before going to sleep. She did and she woke up before the alarm clock sounded and headed into work feeling well-rested. Sarah told her boss about the doctor’s prescription and how well it worked. Her boss said, “That is great, Sarah, but where were you yesterday?”

Source: Chabad Naples Jewish Community Center

YIDDISH WORD OF THE MONTH

Tsuriasis

n. A psychogenic skin disorder; literally, a worry wart. Sandy says she has poison ivy but, with her fighting with her mother, I bet it’s tsuriasis. From the old Yiddish tsuris, meaning troubles, and the emotional state these troubles put a person in. And from the English psoriasis, meaning a skin disease that produces red, itchy patches. '

Source: “Schmegoogle: Yiddish Words for Modern Times” by Daniel Klein.