Tri-State Horrorscopes

TRI-STATE

HORRORSCOPES

NO MATTER YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN, THINGS AREN'T EXACTLY LOOKING UP THIS MONTH

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22)

Every kid in the city will come to your door - and only your door - for Halloween. Sucks to be popular sometimes.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

No matter what you say or do this month, everyone will "clap back" with some sort of snarky comment. Even worse, the phrase "clap back" will continue to be used ad nauseam online and elsewhere. Gonna be a rough one.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Weeks after her death, you'll still be standing in line to view Queen Elizabeth II's casket. Perhaps you should have packed some more comfortable shoes.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

After being unable to name the governor of Indiana or, for that matter, any elected official from the Hoosier State - presumably, because none of them are on TikTok - you will be sent back to grade school. Don't forget to pack a lunch.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Hope you're a fan of pennies, because that's all you'll be able to pay with this month. What's worse, you're not clever enough to figure out the pennies to dollars conversion.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You will be part of an episode of Dateline, your favorite show; however, before you get too excited about meeting and being interviewed by host Keith Morrison, please note that you won't be able to speak - because you'll be deceased. Not a bad way to go, though.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Every statement you make this month will be vociferously debated by ESPN's Stephen A. Smith. Good luck getting a word in edge-wise. Or keeping a straight face.

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)

Similarly, you'll be forced to eat all your meals with InfoWars lunatic Alex Jones. Be sure to stock up on ear plugs.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20)

Like a horror movie come to life, Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos will come to stay at your house for the next month. You must really have some bad karma at work.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22)

While it's confusing as to why The Voice is still on TV, the main point here is that you'll have no choice but to sit between the show's judges and withstand their goofy banter and attempts at humor. At least Adam Levine is long-gone.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22)

Your existence is already grade-A miserable but take heart - the universe can't bring itself to make your life anymore of a living hell this month. Hey, it's a start.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

You'll be begging the Gemini folks to swap roommates after Prince Harry and Meghan Markle show up on your doorstep for an extended stay this month - and Meghan insists that you listen to her insufferable podcast. Expect to be carried out in a body bag.