MAYBE I'M JUST GETTING OLD... with Johnny Fletcher NEVER AGAIN!! (HYPERBOLE RULES)

Something's been on my mind of late that I'd like to address. But allow me to digress for a moment because as always, there's a TV commercial currently running that's irritating me to the core. Imagine that. Here's the scenario: a father is on the phone with what we can assume is an important business client while his young daughter sits at a nearby table playing with a toy. Now bear in mind that the little girl in question is clearly old enough to understand that dad is busy; however, she pays no mind and blurts out, "Dad, how big is the ocean?" - a fair question, for sure, but asked at an inappropriate time. Most parents would likely respond with something like, "Honey, I'm on the phone - wait just a moment, please." But not this guy - Hero Dad not only abruptly ends the conversation with the client, he puts his daughter in the car and drives her straight to the ocean.

Yes, the actual ocean, where the two share a touching moment staring out into the vastness of the water together. So beautiful. Couldn't begin to tell you what product or service is being promoted as the ridiculousness of it all obscures everything else. Also, I bet even the most doting parents feel like dirt after seeing this corporate nonsense so far removed from reality. Where's the remote?

Now, I've almost forgotten what I intended to bitch about this month. Oh, right, speaking of hyperbole... What's up with all this "Never again!!" crap? Man alive, everyone's so pissed about insignificant things and absolutely must let you know about it. Here's a perfect example: there's a really annoying Facebook group (do non-annoying FB groups even exist?) that shares experiences at tri-state restaurants. Oh joy. At least two or three times a day someone posts a negative review of a local establishment complete with a litany of silly complaints - like not getting the correct number of ice cubes in their water (that's not even a joke, folks) or god forbid, they had to wait 10 WHOLE MINUTES to be seated. Or my personal favorite so far, the parking lot was not up to their standards. And then the service is always lacking, the food is subpar, etc. It all inevitably leads up to the big pronouncement: the reviewer will NEVER return!! First off, I could care less what you do, but gee, thanks for keeping us in the loop. Second, we both know you'll go back at some point so save your breath. Just like all these people crying about Bud Light - you're going to drink it again so just put a lid on it. Imagine if everyone judged you in the same way; you'd be living a lonely existence, my friend, because we would NEVER speak to you again!!

YOU SEEM LIKE A PRETTY MASCULINE DUDE, BUT I CAN TOTALLY PICTURE YOU CURLED UP AT NIGHT, SOFTLY WEEPING TO A TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM. AM I WRONG?

Dear Harry Styles,

First off, thank you for believing in my fake masculine front. I feel that my tattoos give the appearance of being a tough guy, but deep down I’m a softy. And while I do curl up in bed most nights, it’s usually with a good book or I'm reading my columns over again out of sheer amazement that this crap gets published. It’s kind of like my philosophy teacher in college said that anybody can write a book; and he was right. But his book sucks. To answer your question, Olivia Rodrigo over TSwizlemynizzle.