The Networker - March/April 2012

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You’re Not Alone!

You’re Not Alone!

The Networker You’re Not Alone!

You’re Not Alone!

You’re Not Alone!

You’re Not Alone!

In this Issue...

Mar/Apr 2012

Full On Parents ....................1

Getting Full On Parents, Instead of Food

Piece of My Mind ................ 4

By Arleta James, PCC

Wall Peppers ....................... 6

The mission of the Attachment & Trauma Network (ATN) is to:

The traumatized adoptee’s preoccupation with food starts in infancy. The child in residence in an orphanage sucks on a propped bottle, or holds a bottle of her own within a few months of being born. The same is true of American adoptees who—preadoption—resided in neglectful birth homes. Food was the companion, rather than a nurturing parent who held the bottle, and simultaneously soothed the baby with kind, loving words or a lullaby.

Promote healing of families through support, education and advocacy.

Certainly, the background histories of many children adopted from the foster care system are replete with statements about the lack of food available in the birth home at the time the child was removed. Older children can recall having to seek their own food,

ATN News ........................... 7 Teaching the Truth ............. 9 Book Review.......................15

Paul and Michael, now 12 and 14, respectively, resided in a birth home (until the ages of 4 and 6) in which

both birth parents abused drugs and alcohol.

Mich ael clearly remembers going to a neighbor’s home and asking for food. Kindly, this woman would provide sandwiches, milk, and cookies. Ultimately, her reports to children services helped these children enter foster care.

Michael recently stated, “I would like to go back and thank her sometime. I don’t know what we would have eaten if it weren’t for her.”

Children who enter foreign institutions, at older ages, offer stories about foraging through garbage for food remains. International and domestic adoptees share many of the same traumas.

These early experiences generate a connection to food that causes infinite battles within the adoptive family! The child, attached to food, is in a constant quest to eat! One way to solve this (Continued on page 2)

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dilemma is to shift the child’s affection from food, to the people providing the meals and snacks—the parents!

The child must become more engaged with Mom and Dad, than the sandwich on his or her plate, or the spaghetti sauce simmering on the stove! In essence, we must help the child become “full” of his parents! This requires nurturing with food, instead of fighting over it day after day. We want to transfer the comfort the child gets from food to the comfort he can get from his parents.

that covers this point in detail is Eating Issues in International Adoption.

When children arrive as toddlers or pre-schoolers, the natural inclination is to move them toward independent eating. Certainly, if the child is to enter a pre-school environment, she will need to feed herself at snack time.

However, at home, parents can lend balance—there can time for the child to feed himself, and some time for “playing airplane.” Children, adopted at older ages, have missed this fun game. So, don’t hesitate to engage your toddler as well as your five, six, seven or eight-year-old (even older in some instances) with the spoon entering the hanger!

The child must become more engaged with Mom and Dad, than the sandwich on his or her plate, or the spaghetti sauce simmering on the stove!

Along the same lines as above, one great dad used pretzel rods to engage his challenging son. Each, he and his son, placed an end of the pretzel in their mouth.

Then, bite-by-bite, they approached the middle where a kiss and hug awaited. Cookies and crackers will do if you don’t have any pretzel rods on hand!

Food Creations—Lunch can become a contest to see who can make the “sandwich with the best face.” Cookie cutters make for fun with sandwiches as well!

Following are some ways to help children get full of you: If your child recently joined your family as an infant or toddler (or your little bundle of joy is soon to arrive), you need to hold the bottle or feed your young child. This may be difficult. The youngster may resist. Be patient, and keep at it. (Don’t make this an aggressive struggle.)

Initially, you may only get a few seconds of quality feeding—this would include eye contact, holding the child and the child sucking on the bottle. As the days pass, the time frame will lengthen. After several weeks or months, you and your son or daughter will be enjoying some quality interactions.

Olive Fingers—put olives on the tip of your fingers.

Invite your child to eat them off, one by one. The only stipulation is a few seconds of eye contact before nibbling any of the ten olives.

Make cupcakes—a boxed mix and a can of frosting are quite okay!

Say “Yes, you may have a brownie after dinner.” Starting with “yes” creates far less arguments.

Many parents report, “He didn’t want us to feed him, so we stopped.” Or, “She preferred to hold her own bottle.”

Much attachment occurs during the process of feeding an infant. So, we don’t want parents withdrawing from feeding post-placement. Keep in mind that the child is not rejecting you. The child has no idea that parents are supposed to feed infants and toddlers. You must teach him this essential human relation.

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Additionally, you are transitioning the child to new types of formulas and foods. This is an adjustment! Perhaps you can relate to this from your travel abroad if you adopted internationally. Likely, all of the foods you like, or wanted to eat were not available. A very good article 2

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The Attachment & Trauma Network (ATN) recognizes that each child's history and biology is unique to that child.

Overeaters may benefit from a smaller plate. Firsts, seconds and thirds are less food intake, but it won’t seem this way to your son or daughter.

Turn off the TV and iPod during meals. Also, no texting or newspapers. You must interact in order to fill your youngster up!

Because of this we believe there is no one therapy or parenting method that will benefit every child.

If your child hoards, pack up a basket of snacks and place it in his bedroom. Include a nice love note. The child who fears that food won’t be available often wakes in the night and heads to the kitchen. When you leave food next to his bed, he “sees” you as soon as his eyes open. What a connection this can make! And, you have control over what food you supply. This helps lessen your concerns about items that may spoil or attract bugs.

(Of course, if you don’t have leggy insects in the kitchen, likely you won’t get any in the bedroom.) Go ahead and give this a try. Within 10 to 14 weeks, your child will actually be eating less. Food issues take time to change— for anyone.

What works for one child may not work for another child.

Many children may benefit from a combination of different therapeutic parenting methods and trauma-sensitive, attachment-focused treatments.

Another variation of the above is to offer your child a fanny pack of snacks. Wherever you go, food won’t be an issue. This is also perfect for the son or daughter whose blood sugar plummets mid-morning. Low blood sugar can cause behavioral deterioration. Grazing offsets this condition. If you suspect your child has a blood sugar problem, check with your pediatrician.

We encourage parents to research different treatments and parenting methods in order to determine what will work best for their unique children. www.attachtrauma.org

Alphabet soup or spaghetti offer endless possibilites!

Make pancakes for dinner and a burger for breakfast— this is sure to get you noticed!

Of course, my favorite (I saved the best for last!) — pop a bowl of popcorn. Gather all the kids. Toss it, piece by piece. See who can catch it in their mouth. Each catch deserves a kiss!

Contact us: ATN

In conclusion, doesn’t this sound like fun! Over time, you will see a gradual decrease in your child’s need to fill up on food. He will want to get full on you!

P.O. Box 154 Jefferson, MD

If you want more ideas about nurturing with food, see Chapter 10 of my book, Brothers and Sisters in Adoption, or Chapter 5 of Parenting the Hurt Child.

21755 1-888-656-9806

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Piece of My Mind Spring has sprung! By the time you read this you will have survived Spring Break, Easter/Passover and perhaps be well on your way to dealing with the anxiety of standardized school testing, graduation, IEP meetings…and then the dreaded Mother’s Day! From that point, it won’t be long until summer arrives, with all the schedule changes and unstructured time this brings.

Board Retreat. For the first time since 2008, ATN’s all-volunteer Board met face-to-face in March.

It was an incredible weekend, as several of our board members have worked so hard on behalf of ATN for years and had never met one another. There’s nothing that can replace the opportunity to be face-toface with someone you’ve known through cyberspace for years. We were in a beautiful cabin in a gorgeous mountain Summer is viewed as a mixed blessing by setting where cell phone service was most of our families. If your child is Julie Beem spotty. Sounds like a dream, right? struggling at school, your battling over an IEP or other issues end. If your ATN Executive Director Well, I admit that I was a TASK MASTER and made these dedicated volunteers and school year pace is exhausting, it’s nice child advocates work all weekend! So the to take the break. But if change in routine really impacts your child, or you can’t find the focus was definitely on traumatized and attachmentdisordered children and what our families need. We proper activities and support or caregivers to help you, a remain very focused in providing SUPPORT – summer with your children at home can be very EDUCATION – ADVOCACY (AWARENESS) of the daunting. Some of our children navigate vacations well; impact of trauma and needs of our children and families. others disintegrate under the stress of “too much fun”.

And you’ll see this in the projects happening throughout Support Buddies. ATN knows that the coming 2012. months bring all the challenges above. And we want to Pepsi Grant. We received word this week that Pepsi help. That’s why we’re launching our Support Buddies pilot program right now. Support Buddies is a peer-to- has approved our mid-grant report and will disburse the remainder of our $50,000 grant that we won last peer mentoring and accountability program, designed to September. The report itself was a daunting task and help members be accountable for SELF-CARE. That’s two of our board members/volunteers – Stephanie right, to stop and think about YOU in the midst of your Garde (our Membership Director and Pepsi Grant daily challenges as a therapeutic parent! By signing up Manager) and Lorraine Schneider (our Administrative as a Support Buddy, you will agree to both give and get support to/from up to 3 other ATN members. As much Director) worked miracles to account for all expenditures and give Pepsi all the needed as possible, Buddies will be grouped either by geographic location (hopefully making face-to-face documentation on the tasks within our grant. We’ve got a great deal of work to do to get these projects up and meetings possible) or by age & stage of children (for running by the end of summer! Thanks Stephanie and even more direct understand of what each buddy is Lorraine for your perseverance! And YEA for the Pepsi experiencing.) funding that is infusing energy into ATN’s efforts!

Throughout the rest of April and into May, we will be Collaboration & Awareness. ATN has been talking recruiting Support Buddies participants to help us kick with several organizations, groups, companies about off this program. This is an ATN-members only benefit ways to work together and how we can better spread the and totally voluntary. An application for the Support word about early childhood trauma and what it takes to Buddies program should have been attached to the email help our children and families. It’s an exciting time to be that sent this newsletter to you. It is also available on a part of ATN as organizations have been coming to us ATN’s website or by contacting our Support Buddies (Continued on page 5) coordinator, Kay Brooks at kacy-b@sbcglobal.net.

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with ideas on how we can partner and work together.

Information on two of these collaborations – GoodTherapy.org and Wall Peppers – can be found in our ATN News column. Each time we find ways to partner, we get the word out a bit farther. Along those lines, if you are going to participate in a local conference, workshop, support group or other activity/organization that needs to know about ATN, we are happy to send you new brochures and other materials you can share with these groups. Just let me know when, and how large the group is, and we’ll get those to you. If there’s an opportunity for ATN to exhibit or participate in a local or

regional conference in your area, we want to talk with you about that, too. We want everyone to learn about what ATN has to offer!

So, as you’re making your spring & summer plans, don’t forget to take ATN along. Get signed up for the Support Buddies program. Make sure you check out our calendar in this newsletter, and if you’re headed to any conferences where we’ll be exhibiting, stop by and introduce yourself! Tell your local network of parents and professionals about ATN. And together we’ll make a huge difference in the lives of traumatized, attachmentdisordered children and their families!

ATN Professional Member Directory These professionals believe in ATN’s mission and have joined us as Professional Members Denise Best, LMHC Adoption & Attachment Treatment Center of Iowa Iowa City, IA denisebest@mchsi.com http://www.aatcofiowa.com/ 319-430-4383

Ken Frohock, LMHC, LPC Attachment Institute of New England Worcester, MA 508-799-2663 www.attachmentnewengland.com Therapists: Ken Frohock, LMHC, LPC Peg Kirby, Psy.D., Joseph Lyons, Psy.D. Suzanne Allen, Ph.D.

Thomas Jahl, Headmaster Cono Christian School Walker, IA thomasjahl@mac.com http://www.cono.org/ 319-327-1085

Matthew Bradley, MSW Beatitude House Waynesville, NC http://www.beatitudehouse.org/ (828) 926-5591

Shirley Crenshaw, MSW, LCSW Crenshaw, Inc. St. Louis, MO srcrenshaw@charter.net http://www.attachmenttrauma.com/index.html 314-374-4753

Ken Huey, Ph.D. CALO (Change Academy Lake of the Ozarks) Lake Ozark, MO ken@caloteens.com 573-365-2221

Lark Eshelman, Ph.D. Chestertown, MD lark@larkeshleman.com http://www.larkeshleman.com/index.php 410-778-4317

Janice Turber, M.Ed. Center for Attachment Resources & Enrichment (C.A.R.E.) Decatur, GA 404-371-4045 www.attachmentatlanta.org Therapists: Barbara S. Fisher, M.S. Janice Turber, M.Ed.

Nina Jonio NeuroSolutions Gresham, OR nina@neurosolutions.org http://www.neurosolutions.org/ 206-910-6088

Jennie Murdock, LCSW, LMT Lehi, UT Jenniem1951@gmail.com 435-668-3560

Lawrence Smith, LCSW Silver Spring, MD 301-558-1933 lbsmith@md.net

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Wall Peppers You now have a way to donate to ATN by doing something you already do – shopping!

With Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, graduation and weddings coming up, there is a product you can order for your gift-giving needs. It is both meaningful to the recipient and to ATN. Wall Peppers is a new company offering removable wall “stickers” made from your favorite photos or artwork.

When you place your order, simply choose ATN as the charity of choice and we will receive 5% of your purchase. http://www.pepperyourplace.com/ pepperPartners/ Prices range from $9.99 to $19.99, so they fit most budgets. The wife of the owner of this company is the director at Family Resource Center, an organization that works with families providing parenting classes, resources in child raising, and acknowledges the impact of trauma on children.

We are happy to partner with Wall Peppers. http://www.pepperyourplace.com/products/ Place your order now!!

You can also find them on Facebook.

ATN Board of Directors Julie Beem, Executive Director Denise Best, LMHC Tanya Bowers-Dean Stephanie Garde, JD Ken Huey, Ph.D. Kelly Killian Jane Samuel, JD Lorraine Schneider Larry Smith, LCSW, LICSW Nancy Spoolstra, Founder Janice Turber, M.Ed..

Sheri Verdonk

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ATN News New phone number. 1-888-656-9806. This toll-free number will take you to ATN’s central office, where you’ll be able to connect with Lorraine on business/administrative matters, Stephanie on membership matters or Julie, our Executive Director. It will also connect you with our Crisis “Warm” Line, where a peer mentor will call you back within the day. Make note of the new number – 1-888-656-9806.

ATN’s A Pepper Partner. Wall Pepper is a unique online company that creates photo murals and collages from your photos. The murals adhere directly to the wall and are removable and reusable. Wall Pepper donates 5% of all sales to charity, and ATN is one of the designated “Pepper Partners”. Looking for a unique Mother’s Day or graduation gift (how perfect for those new dorm walls!) – check out Wall Pepper: http://www.pepperyourplace.com/. Make sure to specify Attachment & Trauma Network as your designated charity!

Good Therapy.org. ATN is collaborating with www.GoodTherapy.org, one of the largest therapist directories on the web. We will soon be placing a GoodTherapy search window on our Resources page, so our users will have immediate access to information about the thousands of therapists registered through Good Therapy. In addition, GoodTherapy will be placing information about ATN and our services to families of traumatized children under their Therapist Resources, so therapists serving children will know about, and refer families to ATN. Watch for this search window on our website soon.

Facebook Page. If you haven’t joined us on Facebook, you may be the only one! Our Facebook page https:// www.facebook.com/attachtrauma is growing daily – we’ve grown over 60% since the first of the year! Our page is filled with articles and information from the attachment, trauma and child development world. It is an open page, meaning you can comment or ask questions right on the page. Join us on Facebook, Twitter or Google+ if you haven’t already.

Volunteer Opportunities. Want to join in the joy of helping other families of traumatized/attachmentimpaired children? ATN has a job for you! Here are some areas we currently need help with: Outreach Coordinators. A large task within our Pepsi grant is building/updating our data on resources (therapists, facilities, respite providers) and building a searchable database for our website. We have some Outreach Coordinators in place, but could use more as we will be making hundreds of phone calls, emails, data entry throughout the summer. To learn more, contact Stephanie: Stephanie@attachtrauma.org.

Blog Coordinator. Did you know ATN has a blog? Most people don’t – and therein lies the problem! We have several bloggers whose experience and insight need to be heard, but we need someone (you can write blogs as well) to help coordinate these writers with topic ideas, deadlines and posting their blogs. Contact Julie – julieb@attachtrauma.org Membership Outreach. Want to help our Members get the most out of ATN? We do too and need help from a volunteer or volunteers who want to keep in touch with members, and help everyone get the support and resources they need. Contact Stephanie to learn more about our membership outreach ideas. Stephanie@attachtrauma.org

See Page 8 for Upcoming Attachment & Trauma-related or Adoption/Foster Workshops or Conferences

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Upcoming Attachment & Trauma-related or Adoption/Foster Workshops or Conferences April 27-28, 2012 The Bowlby Memorial Conference 2012 Talking Bodies: How do we intergrate working with the body in attachment/relational psychotherapy London, UK http://www.thebowlbycentre.org.uk/ documents/ProgrammeforWeb.pdf

July 26-28, 2012—ATN will be there!

North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) 38th Annual Conference Crystal City, VA http://www.nacac.org/conference/conference.html August 2-4, 2012 – ATN will be there!

Branson POWER Advocacy Intensive Nigliazzo Advocacy Center Branson, MO http://www.nigliazzoadvocacycenter.com/conferenceinformation.html

April 29, 2012 Hope for Healing: Attachment Training for Professionals & Parents, Presented by Mary Jo Land and Mary McGowan. Huntington Beach, CA. www.attach.org May 4, 2012 6th Annual Foster Care and Adoption Symposium Ashburn, VA www.hopevillage.com

September 19-22, 2012 – ATN will be there!

ATTACh: Understanding Attachment and the Effects of Developmental Trauma Baltimore, MD http://www.attach.org/2012-Baltimore/2012savethedate2.pdf

May 5, 2012 Western Massachusetts EMDRIA Regional Network 8th Annual Spring Conference EMDR and Relational Trauma Healing Disrupted Attachment and Development UMass Amherst, MA http://www.wmassemdria.com/pdf/2012-conferenceflyer.pdf

October 4-7, 2012 2012 EMDRIA Conference EMDR & Attachment: Healing Developmental Trauma October 4-7, 2012 Washington, DC http://2012emdriaconference.wordpress.com/about/ Therapeutic Parenting for Adopted Children – Training Sessions

May 18-20, 2012 -- ATN will be there!

Ties That Bind 2012 Adoptive Family & Youth Training Seminar Peachtree City, GA 30269 http://ties-that-bind.org/

Denise Best, LMHC http://www.aatcofiowa.com/Parent_Training.html Coming to a location near you throughout 2012: April 28 & 29 – San Antonio, TX May 5 & 6 – Arlington, TX June 2 & 3 – Minneapolis, MN June 9 & 10 – Atlanta, GA (ATN will be there!)

June 23 & 24 – Iowa City, IA July 14 & 15 – Omaha, NE August 11 & 12 – Portland, OR August 18 & 19 – Seattle, WA September 8 & 9 – Denver, CO October 6 & 7 – Boston, MA (ATN will be there!)

October 13 & 14 – New York City, NY October 20 & 21 – Washington, DC November 10 & 11 – Detroit, MI December 1 & 2 – Los Angeles, CA (ATN will be there!)

June 9-12, 2012 …and Justice for All Children National CASA Conference Washington, DC http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.mtJSJ7MPIsE/ b.5405963/k.A2FE/Annual_Conference.htm July 8-15, 2012 Yoga Adventure Vacation for Exhausted Parents Dr. Katharine Leslie http://www.brandnewdayconsulting.com/ Call Dr. Leslie for more info 336-376-8366

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Antecedents to Lying and Teaching the Truth

by Deborah Hage The majority of healthy parents have a moral code which precludes lying as an acceptable behavior. They abhor it.

They avoid it at all costs. They admire and practice integrity and honesty. With the huge mandate and model in the home that telling the truth is essential and lying is forbidden, why then do so many children lie? When they lie, the children are subjected to consequences and disciplined in various ways. Parents beg, implore their children to tell the truth, even promising the consequence will be lessened if they just come clean. Yet, the lying persists.

Some children lie when they do not want to take responsibility for their behavior. Some lie when they want something. Some lie to manipulate and triangulate others around them. Some lie to test the intelligence of their listener.

Some lie in the face of the truth with frosting on their face and fingers - they state unequivocally, they did not have a piece of cake.

Some do all of the above and simply lie about everything all the time. What internal workings of the brain tell children that lying is an acceptable form of speech?

growth. When that care is consistent with his needs he learns to trust. When that care is not consistent with his needs he learns to not trust. He begins to tell himself the first lies. The infant signals he is hungry and no one comes. He cries and no one comes. He cries some more and no one comes. He stops crying and the internal messages he must give himself in order to survive are, “I am no longer hungry. I am not cold.” The internal lying messages continue, “I am not worthy of being kept warm, comforted, held, cuddled, rocked.

The world is unsafe. No one cares.” The lies enter his psyche and embed themselves in his brain. The distinct line between truth and falsehood begins to blur.

During the second year of life a child begins to focus on wants in addition to needs. He wants his mother to stay with him. He wants to play with toys. He wants to laugh and giggle with someone who cares. Yet, despite his wants his mother leaves, there are no toys and no one giggles and coos with him. He cries and no one comes. He cries some more and no one comes. He stops crying and the internal messages he must give himself in order to survive are, “I don’t want my mother to stay. It is OK that she is gone.” The internal lying messages continue. “I don’t want toys and stimulation. I don’t want anyone to coo and giggle with me. Life is fine exactly the way it is.” The difference between the truth and the lies becomes even fuzzier. The message to his brain is reinforced and the thought pattern becomes more habitual.

By looking at the workings of the brain, some answers can be obtained. The first two years of life are pivotal to brain development and personality growth. It is during these critical months foundations are laid which determine, to a great extent, future patterns of behavior. The way a child learns to think about life, himself and others in these first years will affect how he behaves during his life and the nature of the relationships he establishes. He will learn to trust or not…love or not…fear or not...think or not…tell the truth or not.

In subsequent years a child learns to distinguish feelings and emotions. These are confirmed by those around him. His mother says, “I love you” and follows that up with a safe home, nutritious food and warm clothes. It is not only the words which convey a feeling of love, it is the actions which give meaning to the words. Contrast that to the child whose mother says, “I love you” and

Babies learn to tell the truth or to lie in the first few months of life. During the first year of life a baby is a bundle of needs. He needs to be fed, kept warm, comforted, held, rocked, cuddled and attended to. He is totally dependent on others for his survival and emotional

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then proceeds to neglect him, perhaps beat him. The actions make a lie of the loving words.

The actions make a lie of the emotion. The child questions, “If this is love, then why does it hurt so bad? What is the truth here?” As a predictable, safe, caring world crumbles about him he gets angry, enraged.

However, such strong feelings in so small a person are very frightening. In order to protect himself from his own fear, grief and rage he must tell himself that he is a strong little boy, capable of taking care of himself. He denies he is angry, scared or grief stricken.

To give himself permission to feel these feelings, to even acknowledge their existence, is to make himself vulnerable to an uncaring world. He must find a way to take control so others cannot hurt him anymore. The lies he tells himself in order to survive continue. “I am happy. I am not angry. I am not scared. I am not sad. I must have been a bad baby or else my mother would have kept me.”

Truth becomes a taboo topic for him to consider. Truth becomes irrelevant. Survival is all that matters. The rut in his brain deepens and lying becomes habitual. It has no good or bad connotations. Like the moon and the stars, it is just there.

that you are not going to keep me from loving you just because you lie.” Parents are not being therapeutic when they say the words without truly accepting the child exactly as he is, lies and all.

The child can see through such transparency and knows the parent is lying to them, which is counter productive to healing.

Being honest about a child’s history is pivotal to effective therapy. Parents must know everything that is known about the child’s history, otherwise concealing it becomes part of the problem. When a therapist or caseworker knows something about a child that the parents don’t know then the child continues the lying stance by repeating the internal message, “If they really knew me, all about me, then they would no longer love me.” There can be no secrets between a therapist and the parents if the child’s lying behaviors are to change. After all, the child reasons, if even the therapist knows the parents can’t handle the truth, the child is cer-

When the child enters a home where truth is very relevant, the concept is so foreign to him it is rejected.

When the child enters a home where truth is very relevant. The concept is so foreign to him it is rejected. The truth has never mattered before, why should it suddenly become important? He has blocked out the difference between truth and lies to the point where he does not even consider it worth his while to pay attention to which is which. Parents and the rest of society however, tend to feel differently so it must be addressed.

tainly not going to risk revealing it! Parents can be upfront and even teasing about it by asking the child, “Do you think I am the kind of mom that can’t love a child who has …. hurt other children/been sexually abused/ stolen money from foster parents? Well, I’m not. I can love you no matter what you have done or what has happened to you. How long do you think you need to keep up your lying behaviors until you figure that out?”

Central to helping a child deal with lying behaviors is a message which runs counter to prevailing thought. Most people develop relationships with people they can trust and have been known to say something like, “I could never love someone I didn’t trust.” Obviously, that is not the message a child who lies needs to hear. Parents can be extremely therapeutic when they change their thought processes and words to, “I can love you even when I don’t trust you.” And, “I am such a great mom

Naturally, the goal of therapeutic parenting is to help a child increase his ability to tell the truth. However, in the beginning, it is often helpful for parents to diffuse a potentially frustrating situation by not asking a child, who (Continued on page 11)

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typically lies, questions regarding the facts around events or behaviors when the answer is known, in hopes the child will tell the truth. It is a set up for the child. He lies. The parent pounces triumphantly on his lie. He feels betrayed. If the answer is known, don’t ask. By the same token, never ask when the answer is not known as the answer cannot be trusted anyway. In other words, be careful when asking a child who lies a question. It can entrench the lying and can add a layer of guilt which further damages the relationship. Instead, parents can act on what they believe to be the truth and leave it go at that. Here is a sample of an effective, therapeutic conversation:

trust t h e pare n t

in

to

make good decisions. This type of conversation wears parents out as they try to stay ahead of the thoughts and words of the child. The child is exhibiting an increasing level of disrespect and the more the parent buys into it the less trust the child has of the parent’s ability to be an effective and fair judge of the situation and a leader in the home. The child’s sense of safety goes down, not up.

Parent - Greg said you hit him. Child - Well, I didn’t. P What do you think I believe? C - You think I hit him. P Right. I believe you hit him. As long as I believe you hit him you need to do his chores for him today. A sample

Lying becomes a way to take control.

By distorting the truth the child can cause the parents’ world to spin.

Parents abhor calling anyone, particularly their child, a liar. Far better to say, “I don’t believe you” and make an “I message” around it. After all, there often truly is no way to determine if the child is telling the truth. Saying, “I don’t believe you” diminishes the controlling effect a child has when he lies.

conversation that is typical of the amount of arguing that a child and parent can engage in before it is resolved would continue: C - But I didn’t. P - Would a jury of your peers convict you? Is the evidence there to indicate you did? Did you have opportunity? Did you have motive? Does Greg say you did? C - Greg lies. P - In this household, who tells the truth more? You or Greg? C Greg. You never believe me. You don’t trust me. P Right. Fortunately I am such a great mom I can love a boy I do not trust. C - But it’s not fair. P - Have you ever lied to me and not got caught? C - Yes. P - Well, then this makes up for it. Over the course of time it will all work out. If I’m wrong I will make it up to you. C - You don’t love me as much as Greg. P - Nice try. Now scoot to (whatever the consequence is)

Lying becomes a way to take control. By distorting the truth the child can cause the parents’ world to spin. The child can then take the chaos in his own brain and impose it on someone else. Children can also use lying as a means to test the parent-child relationship. How truthful are the parents being when they say this is a forever home? If the child’s behaviors are disruptive enough can they force the issue and contribute to having the child moved? Maybe the child wants to be moved and is using the lying as a means to push his parents away to the point where they give up on him and ask that he be moved.

The old adage of, “You can’t push a river upstream,” can be applied to lying. Parents cannot control lying. All they can control is whether or not they believe the child and how to impose an appropriate consequence. Several parenting techniques can be used with success. One is to predict for the child when he is going to lie and then give permission for him to do it. For many children lying is so habitual they lie before they even think about what else

All of the points as the conversation continues are valid.

The problem is that the child has taken control of the situation by continually interjecting and arguing. Every time the child disputes with his parent he is challenging his parent’s leadership. A conversation such as this is no longer about lying. It has become a test of the child’s

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they could say. A parent can say, “I want to talk to you and I know you don’t tend to tell the truth when I ask you questions. So, I want you to know I expect you to come up with a really good lie in answer to my question.

Ready? ” (then ask the question). This accomplishes several things. One, it gives a child time to make a decision of whether to lie or not instead of letting the first words, which are usually lies, tumble out. Two, it removes lying from the control battle realm. Three, since the parent has given the child permission to lie, it doesn’t make sense for them (parent) to get angry or upset about it.

Just praise the child for a great lie and go on with life.

Or, if perchance the child happened to tell the truth, cover him with glory. Pop a piece of candy in his mouth with a hug so he connects telling the truth with sweet goodness and relationship. Remember, whenever a habit needs to be broken it requires that the brain be “rewired” around the new behavior.

comes lost. The connection must be clearly made that the parent is a source of goodness and light and pleasing the parent makes good things happen for the child.

Because lying is often habitual for kids, parents can make an attempt to get in touch with how difficult it is to change a habit by changing one of their own. Explain to the child that everyone has habits, some good and some bad. Changing a habit takes thought and effort. Do you put on both of your socks and then both your shoes or do you put on one sock and shoe and then the other sock and shoe? Do you mix everything up on your plate when you eat or eat one thing until it is gone and then eat the next item? Parents can find something they do habitually - even if it is something like where they store the car keys - and make a commitment to store them in a different place. Challenge the child to change a habit, other than lying, and then compare notes as to each other’s progress. Sympathize with your child as he struggles to change an innocuous habit so you can be sincerely appreciative of whatever efforts he makes to change a deeply entrenched habit, like lying, that has emotional overtones. Accept that changing any habit, particularly one that has been so useful to survival, is going to take a long time. A very long time. Years and years later parents will still be left wondering exactly what of all their child said was the truth. Expecting it to change any more quickly than that sets the parents and child up for disappointment and anger - two emotions which get in the way of instilling a sense in the child that he is loved and cherished exactly as he is. The message is that he needs to change his lying in order to make it in the world - not to make him more lovable to his parents.

Parents can practice with a child around the truth. Play a lying/truth game. Have the child tell the answers to obvious questions which have no emotional content. For example, “How old are you. What is your teacher’s

Because lying is often habitual for kids, parents can make an attempt to get in touch with how difficult it is to change a habit by changing one of their own.

Have fun with the lying. For example, when you know a child habitually lies ask him if wants a bowl of ice cream.

When he says, “Yes,” give him a bowl of cold cereal.

When he asks what happened to the ice cream, happily remind him that since he always lies you never know

name, etc.” Every time the child tells the truth he gets a treat. Key to giving treats is the treat must pass from the parent’s hand to the child’s mouth while they are looking into each other’s eyes. Do not let the child take the candy and put it in his own mouth as part of the meaning be-

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because of it. They have an emotional connection to the negative results of their behavior and then have to act themselves into a new way of thinking. They don’t think their way into a new way of acting. In the same way, a child must feel and experience the negative results of his behavior in the presence of non-angry and nonemotionally involved people. Thinking about how lying doesn’t work for him doesn’t work. Experiencing the results and feeling the pain is the only way to drive home that he, not anyone else, is the one who suffers the most when he lies.

what the truth is. When he said he wanted ice cream you knew he never told the truth so that must mean he didn’t want ice cream. Since you didn’t know what he really wanted you just guessed and thought cold cereal would be OK. This works well in restaurants when you lightly order something other than what he said he wanted and in clothing stores when you smilingly buy him a different shirt than the one he indicated was his favorite.

Parents can look for other ways to confound the child’s thinking about the value of his lying. One way is to lie to the child. The child asks to go to the movies and the parent says, “Yes”. Later, the parent does not take the child

Many parents can handle the lying at home through therapeutic parenting, however, they are at a loss when the child lies outside the home and is believed. Commonly children who are habitual liars lie to their therapists and caseworkers. It is imperative that lying children not be seen alone by either. Parents should not take their child to any therapist who insists on seeing the child alone. The potential for triangulation and manipulation are too great. The child can use the opportunity to fine tune their ability to lie and be believed by trusting adults, thus contributing to the deterioration of their mental health. Additionally, it is too easy for a child who lies to divert attention away from the therapeutic issues which need to be addressed and focus attention on an issue which is irrelevant. Too often it is a waste of parent time, energy and money when they are not present to keep the therapy on track and focused on the behaviors which the child is exhibiting which are dangerous or anti

The most insidious lie occurs when a child falsely accuses his parents of abuse. Society and public policy are often supportive of the child when he does it.

to the movies and when the child asks why, the parent lightly says, “Oh, I thought the truth didn’t matter. It was easier to tell you yes at the time, but I really didn’t mean it. I thought that was how you wanted us to talk to each other in this family. Are you telling me it is important for me to tell the truth, but it is not important for you to tell the truth?”

The goal in dealing with lying is to put the child in conflict about his lying. When a child lies and the parents get upset and angry then they are in conflict about the child’s lying and the child is not. The child says to himself, “No point in both of us being upset about this,” and continues lying. When parents get emotionally involved with the lying the child gets the message that says, “When I lie my parents are hurt. When I lie others suffer.” When a child does not have a conscience around lying, knowing that others are hurt may be irrelevant to or even please the child. The lying behaviors will not change until the child sees, in non-angry situations, that the lying is not working for him. He needs to see that he is the one who suffers when he lies. It is not getting him what he wants. Alcoholics do not cease acting out their alcoholic behaviors because they think it through and decide it is rational for them to change. They stop drinking when they see their lives are going down the tubes

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be trusted. Life has a way of imposing natural consequences on those who are habitual liars. Sometimes the best parents can do is to take care of themselves so they are not hurt by the lies, give it their best shot and leave the rest.

-social. When therapists let the child direct the therapy by choosing the topic it is too easy for the time to be wasted and the child empowered in blaming his parents or others for his behaviors. The situation becomes even dangerous for the parents when a lying child uses his private time with the therapist or caseworker to lodge false accusations of abuse and the parents are not there to counter them.

Deborah Hage remains happily married to Paul Hage since 1969 and 14 children. They have given birth to two children, adopted seven children and have been therapeutic foster parents to five other children. Most of the children have been physically, emotionally, behaviorally and/or intellectually challenged. They have dealt extensively with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, educational and legal issues. At one point in time 8 of the children were teenagers at once! They went through the throes of emancipation, with several seeking out and finding birth parents and others finding that the surest way to leave home was to go to jail.

The most insidious lie occurs when a child falsely accuses his parents of abuse. Society and public policy are often supportive of the child when he does it. A child can have a file three inches thick detailing his anti-social, pathological behaviors, while the parents do not have so much as a traffic ticket on their record, and a well meaning caseworker can still be suckered. One way to turn the tables when confronted by an official is to state, “If the child is telling the truth, he is not safe with me. If the child is lying then I am not safe with him. Either way it is not in anyone’s best interest for him to come home.”

Then, have him placed outside of the home while the legal processes wrangle. To do less is to compromise the entire family’s well being and to send home the message to the child that there are no limits to the lies he can get away with. Loving a child and living with a child may not always be possible at the same time. Sometimes you have to feed a child with a long handled spoon.

In her "Parenting With Pizazz" lecture series Deborah shares how they have stayed sane through the trials and triumphs of parenting their children, most of whom entered their lives with emotional scars due to abuse and neglect. She lectures nationwide and in Canada on bonding and attachment as well as techniques which, when added to normal parenting styles, have a positive effect on children who are behaviorally problematic. Her presentations include information on how to make it more fun to be a parent and children more fun to be around, as well as when to hang on and when to let go. Interventions which are appropriate at home for children who are a danger to themselves, their family and/or their community are addressed.

Lying at school and in other situations can also be problematic for parents. Taking to heart the adage, “It takes a village to raise a child,” many people, outside of the home, believe a lying child and rush to rescue and save.

It is imperative the treatment team stand behind the parents and defend them to the world if the placement is to not disrupt. While the results of believing a child who lies can be destructive to the adults, it is far more destructive to the child. When their lies are believed they lose their ability to trust anyone and thus they become less able to function in a healthy manner.

Deborah has contributed chapters and articles on therapeutic parenting to several books and publications. She has compiled some of the information from her lectures into a booklet titled, Therapeutic Parenting, It's A Matter of Attitude! It is available by mailorder. She has written numerous other articles and is in private practice and available for lectures and workshops.

Lying can be addressed in meaningful ways, both by the parents and by professionals outside of the home. However, it takes a unified effort to get the child who lies to be in conflict about his behavior. If he is not in conflict, if he is not feeling the pain, if he thinks others are more in pain over his behavior than he is, he will not change.

Regardless of whether or not the child lies, he must grow up knowing he is loved and cared for, even when he can’t

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Book Review Parenting the Hurt Child

by Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky Sometimes a book comes along, you read it, you know it’s great and you implement the ideas, then stick the book on the shelf. Every so often you need to pull it back out and get a refresher, especially when you feel stuck in a rut with your child.

Chapter 5 is your go to chapter when you’re stuck. It’s on nurturing and gives specific examples of little things you can do to nurture your child, even when that child is anything but fun.

These are not time intensive things.

They are simple things that can be done in seconds or minutes. Some are more extensive, but most are quick tricks.

When you are stuck, you are not thinking clearly. Use these quick tips to turn things around.

This is one of those books. It was first recommended to me when we started attachment therapy in 2004. I read it, absorbed every word, and felt like I had stumbled on something wonderful, and I truly had.

Chapter 6 addresses school issues, and chapter 10 is a question and answer section about typical issues that we encounter when parenting.

You may have heard of Greg Keck. He is a well known attachment therapist in Ohio. However, what you may not know is that Greg has raised children with attachment issues. I think a therapist who parents the kids is the greatest find in the world. They truly get it. That is very apparent in this book.

If you haven’t read this book, make sure you do. You may learn something you didn’t know before, or you may get a refresher on some things you have forgotten. Either way, it’s a helpful book for every parent.

It is also good for explaining what doesn’t work. You know there is someone that you deal with, whether it’s a teacher, family member, well intentioned co-worker or church member… there is that person that just doesn’t get it. Chapter 3 addresses the common techniques that “normal” parents typically suggest and why they don’t work.

There are several copies in the ATN Lending Library, in addition to other books by Greg Keck and Regina Kupecky. Contact Kelly at Kelly@attachtrauma.org for more information on borrowing from the Lending Library.

Help Wanted: Book Reviewers.

If you or your child have read a good book related to adoption, attachment or trauma, write a review (250-400 words), include a link to where you found the book, and email to kelly@attachtrauma.org

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Book Review I Don’t Have Your Eyes

by Carrie A. Kitze One of the hurdles we have to overcome in adoption is that many times our children don’t look like this. If you’ve adopted transracially, this is apparent, and can be confusing for children. Sometimes it’s the adults who ask rude questions that we have to deal with when they point out we don’t look the same.

This book by Carrie Kitze tackles the topic head on, but by putting a positive spin on it. We don’t have to look alike to be alike or be a family.

“I don’t have your eyes..but I have your way of looking at things” is the opening of the book with an illustration of a blue eyed mother with an Asian daughter.

Each page points out a physical difference, but is contradicted with how that makes us the same.

I love this book and my children look like they are our birth children. It can give your children an answer to some of the nosy questions they may get as to why they don’t look like their parents. Use this book to educate, bond, and prepare your child.

I Don’t Have Your Eyes is available through the EMK Press website. http://www.emkpress.com/order.html

Don’t forget to renew your membership!

Individual (parent) memberships are $35 annually; Professional memberships are $75 annually.

You have four ways to join: 1.

Join online at www.attachtrauma.org. Click the Join button and use your credit card to renew your membership.

2.

Print the membership form available on the website and mail it to: ATN P.O. Box 164 Jefferson, MD 21755 along with your check or credit card information.

3.

Fax the completed membership form with credit card information to 1-888-656-9806 .

4.

Call Lorraine at 1-888-656-9806 and give her your card information over the phone.

Memberships make great gifts.

We have a scholarship program, so memberships can also be donated.

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