Grief and the Holidays

BE WELL

What You Can Do to Make a Difference

We lawyers are amazingly resilient, considering the ups and downs and constant stresses connected to our profession. As close as we function to the edge of our maximum capacity, a loss hitting us can be the last straw.

Grief can stem from several kinds of losses: the death of a loved one, a divorce, a medical diagnosis, an addiction, the end of a career, a devastating legal outcome, a disability, an accident, and many more.

Even if we are not the ones affected directly, grief is constantly affecting our colleagues and clients in serious ways. In a profession that deals daily with wrongful deaths, estates, divorces, murders, assaults, catastrophic accidents, discrimination, disability, and so forth, it is shocking how little we know about grief or what to do about it.

Moreover, in the legal world, we see unique grief. Some attorneys suffer grief due to career developments, the secondary trauma from witnessing clients’ suffering, or the breakup of a law firm. It is difficult to deal with injustices or hardships imposed on a beloved client or client’s family.

Hopeless debt can create a grief mixed with unhealthy anxiety. The pandemic, war, political circumstances, taxes, law school debt, natural disasters, health problems, and so many more contribute to the challenge.

I lost my wife and the mother of our eight-year-old daughter on June 4, 2019 after several years of battling breast cancer. The grief was monumental. However, it was much different than the grief of a close friend who lost a loved one to suicide. It was also very different than the grief I suffered when I was divorced in my first marriage many years ago.

Despite the differences, one thing seems to be constant: Grief is horrible during the holidays.

Here are three things that might help:

NONRESISTANCE

I hate the word “acceptance” because it seems to imply that something is acceptable. That said, it is widely understood that denial is the first stage of grief and resisting “what is” often contributes to our suffering. Therefore, I have found great relief in trying to “not resist” that the holidays are here and they don’t look like I want them to look. I don’t need to resist my emotions. I don’t need to resist the grief. The shortest distance to the other side of something is through it. Trying to “hold back” to help others not feel bad for me is not helpful to anyone.

Nonresistance also helps with anger. If we are upset that our lives are permanently changed, it is healthy to process that anger. Resisting anger will prolong our suffering. I highly recommend using a mental health professional to help speed this process along.

CONNECT TO OTHERS WHO UNDERSTAND

Connecting to others who understand something about our situation can be a huge game-changer. While pity from some people can be painful, a conversation with someone who has directly experienced a similar grief can inspire hope. Peers who have been through what I have and shared their experience gave me the strength I needed to take the next step.

At the end of the day, nothing is more important than being kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to have healthy boundaries and to say no when you don’t feel like doing something with certain other people.

HELP OTHERS

It has been essential for me to get involved in service work around the holidays. Helping others gets my mind on gratitude and feels like a tribute to lost loved ones, particularly when I do service work a loved one took interest in. My daughter and I spend time over the holidays preparing gift bags for homeless people and handing them out on Christmas. My late wife did this once before she died. This has been very powerful in transforming some of our grief into gratitude. There are lots of options.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

At the end of the day, nothing is more important than being kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to have healthy boundaries and to say no when you don’t feel like doing something with certain other people. If you struggle with depression, that is common. Depression is also something that can be dangerous around the holidays for some people, so please do not hesitate to connect with a professional to address it. Depression is suffered by 46% of attorneys at some point in their practice, but it is very treatable and the vast majority of those who get help fully recover. If you or someone you know needs help, 988 is the new national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, and for local professional referrals or peer support for lawyers, TLAP is always AUSTINLAWYER there at 800.343.TLAP. AL AL

Endnotes in print edition.

Chris Ritter is in-house legal counsel for the State Bar of Texas. He graduated magna cum laude from Baylor University in 1994 with a B.A. in political science and philosophy. After graduating from The University of Texas School of Law (J.D., 1998), he was a civil trial lawyer in West Texas for over 15 years. He previously served as the director of the State Bar’s Texas Lawyers’ Assistance Program (TLAP) and has a Master of Education in clinical mental health counseling from Lamar University.