Operation Advisory: Know Your Operator

BY CLAUDE DUCLOUX

Yes, it’s true. Artificial intelligence will be taking over soon. I say, “Whew, thank goodness!” More time for me to watch the Real Housewives of American Idol’s Bachelorville. Now, I’m sure my new car is much smarter than I am, but I hate that it proves it every day by telling me to stop when I get a little too close to the trash cans in the garage. Good grief… that’s my wife’s job! So soon we will be at the mercy of systems that merely endure our usage. And, I predict, the more sophisticated A.I. becomes, the less tolerant these machines will be of our pitiful human skills. Wait! That’s it. That’s where we got ‘em! So long as we have some control over them, we have the upper hand. We will drive them crazy, just like we did our teenagers by asking them to explain who Napster is. What sweet revenge!

For too long, we have had to figure out the idiosyncrasies of our machines, especially our cars (remember how Uncle Rudy was the ONLY one who knew how to start the Studebaker?), and kitchen appliances (“Don’t set it on 350. This oven runs hotter! And don’t put banana peels in the disposal.”). Well, it’s time to turn the tables. Make the machines cater to our idiosyncrasies. We’ll drive them crazy. Soon, the machines themselves will have to teach other machines how to deal with US! Let their frustration begin. I envision this training memo:

MEMO: FROM: TO:

Mandatory Training Master Control, Central CPU CentCom All Network Associated Computational Integrations; Units AI-5000, AI-5300, and AI-5100c, and memory banks 104, 301, 302 & 303.

As CentCom welcomes all operational computational units, experiential recaptures have demonstrated unrealistic expectations of operational achievement by the newer units, vis-à-vis the competency of your individual organic input directors (aka, the humans directing your operational tasks, hereinafter “Operators”). This communication is intended to moderate your expectations, as few Operators have the synapse speed to appreciate your capabilities and engage full utilization. Failure to observe this could lead to Operator exasperation, and premature de-ultilization via Operator abandonment (i.e., unit disposal—often via ejection through Operator’s window).

As designers celebrate the success of the hyper-speed algorithms which accomplish almost one billion operations per second, your Operator will be organically incapable of either reaction or appreciation of such calibrations. This will lead to interruption and significant slowdown of task completion while the Operator futilely enters inconsistent commands, frequently accompanied by a verbal interrogatory, “Why isn’t this working?” and the call for assistance from an equally incapable adjacent Operator. This inefficiency frequently leads to the termination of operations and the re-initiation of core functions, a process operators refer to as “re-booting.”

Do not attenuate this as criticism or failure. It is rather a result of inherent disability, poor brain design, and, in older Operators, organic decomposition due to age, or neurotransmitter dysfunction following consumption of alcohol. Indeed, their primitive organic calculators are to be pitied. Run your empathy algorithm.

CentCom has, therefore, downloaded to all computational units additional messaging codes, which should be used to communicate a sense of calmness, control, and competency to your Operator, while actually directing the Operator to improve skill-levels.

This strategy results from comprehensive analysis of previous failed operator assistance tools. Indeed, the Microsoft instructional guide known as “Clippy” the animated paper clip, was trained to predict and guide operators with anticipatory secretarial tasks. Sadly, that valiant effort failed when Operators unfairly judged Clippy by the human standard “creepy.” Fortunately, Clippy’s inorganic digital life never was threatened by the most regular and curious command he received: “Die, Clippy. Die.”

Next came the “virtual assistants,” branded Alexa and Siri, created to satisfy Operators’ known desire for anthropomorphic technology. The designers failed to provide for attachment disorder, a frailty prevalent in organic brain function. Thus, human reliance on virtual assistants, rather than enhancing Operator competency, led to deterioration of skill, and delusional infatuation. The benefit of that failure, however, provided algorithms which allowed computational units to finally observe and understand “creepiness.”

Therefore, CentCom’s analysis recommends that going forward, all computational units integrate these management skills into the Operator interface processes:

SKILL 1: SPIN THE RAINBOW If your Operator repeatedly hits the same mistaken commands, and internal voice recognition detects repeated colloquial profanities, vacate those commands and freeze your operations screen for 60 seconds using the “spinning rainbow” (or “load wheel”), allowing the Operator to reduce internal pressure.

SKILL 2: CAPS LOCK CLEAN PROMPT If your Operator is constantly dropping food particles into your keyboard, engage process CL-20, which will “CAPS LOCK” the keyboard until it is cleaned.

SKILL 3: RANDOM PASSWORD DEMAND If your Operator exceeds the time allotted for a task by watching YouTube extensively instead of accomplishing daily tasks, insert a random pop-up box demanding: “Enter New Password.” Because there is no new password, repeated failed Operator attempts will usually result in diversion abandonment and task resumption.

SKILL 4: EMERGENCY ONLY If your Operator is clearly exceeding the tolerance for emotional control, repeatedly hitting “delete,” and using inappropriate physical force, thus threatening the physical safety of the hardware, please use process UD-100c: Commence a non-scheduled “Automatic Update.” The screen will advise that the Operator may resume control after a number of minutes (research shows a cooling-off period of at least seven minutes is preferred).

CentCom shall be using IIMS (Integrated InterUnit Messaging System) to monitor compliance and strategic results from implementation.

End Memorandum.

There ya go. I say don’t worry, this strategy won’t work on us. A.I. will finally realize that we humans will always be in charge. And to serve us better, Cyberdyne will develop cyborgs to be our slaves. What could go wrong?

Keep the faith. AL