AWOL Issue 20

HHAD

27 February 09

in cahoots with

HUA HIN AFTER DARK.COM FREE

WEEKLY

ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE FOR THE EXPAT IN ALL OF US What’s happening, and might be happening, in Hua Hin

Welcome to Paradise

An open letter to everyone visiting the area for the ASEAN summit HUA HIN, THAILAND Dear honoured guests, Thank you for visiting our little slice of paradise here in Thailand.

We think you will discover just what it is that makes so many people want to live here and visit every year. However in case you don’t get the chance to go out and about, we would like to tell you about Hua Hin and the surrounding area.

Firstly we hope that you will notice how nice and smooth the roads you are travelling on are, as you are shuttled to the Dusit Resort and back; the area is renowned for the quality of its roads and they have been brought into tip top condition especially for your visit. Our second recommendation is that at the same time as you are admiring the roads, you glance to the median and see the beautiful flowers, shrubs and bushes adorning the central reservation, and the decorative lanterns adorning the poles.

Another road related issue you are sure to notice is how little traffic there is, and that nobody parks their cars on the streets; while you may think this has been done especially for the summit, Hua Hin is renowned for both the low level of traffic and the consideration of the drivers and riders here, particularly those travelling from Bangkok, and people will often park their

What about the people we hear you ask? What businesses are they involved in and how will they cope during the summit?

Well, once again, your fears are groundless - the local authorities and police have given everyone ample warning of any possible

The famous Hua Hin train station sign

Continued on page 2

vehicles out of sight so as to keep the streets free for honoured guests like yourselves. People are often known to walk several kilometres after parking their vehicle.

Another aspect that you should appreciate during your visit is the lack of the normal trash that litters so many other places, both actual rubbish and human trash; you won’t see any food carts cluttering the streets, nor packs of stray dogs, nor even the working girls and drunkards that are so tragically common in some other resorts we could mention. And speaking of drunkards, you will also find very few establishments open selling beer or any of the other vile alcoholic drinks; the police here have always been vigilant in ensuring that alcohol and all its related nastiness is not available (to the hoi paloi that is - of course you honoured guests can enjoy that fine wine or classy brandy without fear of problems).

INSIDE AWOL Sex Lessons Exchange Rates Horoscopes Area ha ha ha Carling Cup preview

Welcome to Paradise Continued from page 1 disruptions, giving a massive 24 hours notice of the various measures required to ensure the safety and tranquility of you, our most honoured guests. While we are talking about safety, it seems opportune to mention how safe Hua Hin is; you won’t hear grisly stories of foreigners being shot on their doorsteps, or about an ongoing problem of bag snatches and muggings, or even tales of gangs of teenagers riding around firing guns in the centre of town - no, siree, you definitely won’t hear of anything like that in our town.

As you sit in your hotel rooms and go about your personal and business needs, you will notice the free wifi available, and the efficient and painless supply of electricity and water, all other areas this town is famed for; if anyone tries to

tell you that the infrastructure in this area is inadequate and inefficient, don’t listen to them - you have seen with your own eyes the reality of life here. Some folk claim that they frequently have to go for several days without water, but we Huahinians just laugh and scoff at such talk, knowing for ourselves the true state of affairs.

Another question that might pass through your minds is about foreign tourists, who are well known for wanting to take a two week holiday, get drunk every day, pick up sleazy women in bars and clubs and do unspeakable things with them; quite simply Hua Hin does not want them. After all they hardly spend any money and just bring the whole tone of the place down, and it is hardly somewhere like that we would want honoured guests like yourselves being invited

to. The kind of tourists that come to Hua Hin are healthy living moral guardians who play golf, go to the famous top quality spas, visit the many temples, eat at the many fine restaurants and maybe enjoy a glass of wine with their meal before retiring to bed by 10pm. These are exactly the people who the sadly recently demised Elite card were aimed at, and it still baffles us as to why such an excellent scheme failed.

And so, honoured guests, you now have a true picture of life in our blissful paradise, and we hope you fall in love with it too. And we haven’t even mentioned the pristine beaches and crystal clear sea water and ...well the list just goes on and on.

Come back soon and discover more of the real Hua Hin.

Senators To Fight Teen Sex By Personal Instruction BANGKOK, THAILAND

In an attempt to address the current moral crisis of student prostitution and sexual liberalism among Thailand’s young people, the Senate has decided to personally handle the sexual education of all girls in the Kingdom aged 16-22. “The moral fabric of this land is coming apart,” said senator Amnouy Phetsiri. “We have to take matters into our own hands, literally.” Amnuoy and three other senators authored the plan, which places the introduction of human sexuality to young girls in the control of Senate members through the construction of a massive sexual education facility on Ratchadapisek road in Bangkok. The facility, which will feature neo-classical architecture, thick carpeting and soft lighting, will house over 30,000 girls at a time in special dormitories. Classrooms will be equipped with three-person Jacuzzis with hand-held shower nozzles, velvet curtains, and state-of-the-art audio-visual projection and recording capabilities.

Details of the actual sexual education process were still sketchy, but senator Phayap Thongchuen promised that it would be “absolutely thorough.” The enrolment process would be compulsory, similar to the military draft for all Thai males aged 18. Enrolled girls would be sent to the facility for medical and psychological evaluation, as well as screened for “desirability.” According to the senators, the most desirable girls are the ones most at risk for developing bad morals and possible temptation to prostitution. “We plan to pay special attention to prettiest, youngest, and most vulnerable girls,” promised senator Sittisak Yontrakul. “We’ll make absolutely sure to teach them the proper Thai values when it comes to appropriate relationships between males and females – respect for and submission to elders, not questioning teachers, and quiet acceptance of their karma as instructed by Lord Buddha.” According to Sittisak, the girls who excel at their sexual education may be retained as special teaching assistants to personally further the cause by attending to their teacher’s administrative needs.

The bold plan, nicknamed the Siamese Flowers Project, was passed in an overwhelming majority vote on the Senate floor yesterday, with only 17 senators objecting conditionally. Coincidentally, the minority was entirely composed of the Senate’s 17 female members. Speaking for the minority, Mrs. Jirawan Chongsutanamanee said the allocated budget of 190 million baht was too high, while Mrs. Jitthana Yingthaweelapa wanted to add religious instruction to the curriculum. Bangkok senator Miss Rosana Tositrakul was the only Senate member completely opposed to the idea. “Girls shouldn’t be having sex at all, ever,” she said.

Man Goes Potty In Hua Hin Soi 94 - see p 6

Hong

Cheeky Page 3

brought to you by Naresdamri Road South of the Sofitel CHEEKIOSO, ITALY This week’s cheeky offering is the sports loving Martina Colombaro, with her favourite sports being skiing and football; how do we know this? Well she was married for three years to top skier Albert Tomba before moving on in 2004 to marry Alessandro Costacurta, the Iain Dowie of Italian football (well, nearly). A former Miss Italy, she rose to prominence with a number of appearances on bizarre Italian TV shows, normally involving her not wearing very much, and on at least one occasion a bikini and then having a body smeared with chocolate.

However those TV appearances have now faded into history and she is a well known face on Italian TV, appearing in a number of series. The couple have had a son, who they have rather unfortunately named Achilles. However if he turns out with the sporting talent of his father and the looks of his mother then he won’t have too much to worry about, although he’ll probably be susceptible to tackles from behind...

Martina Colombaro (left) attempting to show her inner monkey

Area 555 - Cheeky Extra!

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before

passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” The husband shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!”

Local Weather

Hua Hin weather forecast next 7 days Day Conditions

Sat An a.m. shower; partly sunny Sun Partly sunny, showers around Mon Showers around in the p.m.

Tues Mostly sunny Wed Mostly cloudy and humid Thur Sunshine and some clouds Fri Clouds and sun

World Weather

Currency Exchange Rates Temp 째C Low High 25 34 26 33 25 31 24 33 25 33 26 33 25 34

Forecast for Friday 27th February 2009 City Min 째C Max Conditions Amsterdam 5 10 Rain Athens 2 9 Rain Auckland 18 23 Cloudy Beijing -5 8 Fine Berlin 4 8 Rain Buenos Aires 18 30 Cloudy Chicago -2 9 Rain Copenhagen 2 6 Showers Dubai 22 33 Scattered Clouds Dublin 4 10 Dry Geneva -1 9 Fine Helsinki -9 0 Cloudy Ho Chi Minh 25 35 Thunderstorms Hong Kong 20 26 Cloudy Islamabad 7 23 Clear Jakarta 24 32 Rain Jerusalem 8 16 Rain Johannesburg 15 25 Thunderstorms Kuala Lumpur 24 32 Thunderstorms London 5 12 Bright Madrid 7 16 Fine Manila 23 34 Thunderstorms Mexico City 4 26 Fine Moscow -5 -1 Snow New Delhi 13 29 Mist New York 0 11 Cloudy Oslo -14 -4 Clear Paris 4 10 Overcast Perth 19 32 Scattered Clouds Phnom-Penh 26 36 Cloudy Rio De Janeiro 22 34 Showers Riyadh 20 33 Clear Rome -1 11 Cloudy San Francisco 9 14 Cloudy Singapore 24 32 Thunderstorms Stockholm -5 -1 Cloudy Sydney 19 25 Drizzle Tokyo 5 9 Rain Vientiane 25 37 Scattered Clouds Yangon 16 36 Clear Zurich -3 7 Rain

At 26th February 2009 (mid-market rates) Code Currency Value (Baht) USD United States Dollar 35.7373 GBP Pound Sterling 51.3611 EUR Euro 45.7247 JPY Japanese Yen 0.368803 MYR Malaysian Ringgit 9.74156 SGD Singapore Dollar 23.3852 BND Brunei Dollar 23.3852 CNY Chinese Yuan 5.22769 IDR Indonesian Rupiah 0.00299431 INR Indian Rupee 0.717324 KRW Korean Won 0.0236543 AUD Australian Dollar 23.2753 NZD New Zealand Dollar 18.3726 CHF Swiss Franc 30.7522 DKK Danish Krone 6.13806 NOK Norwegian Krone 5.22816 SEK Swedish Krona 4.09125 CAD Canadian Dollar 28.4625 AED UAE Dirham 9.73094 BHD Bahrain Dinar 95.048 KWD Kuwaiti Dinar 122.339 OMR Omani Rial 92.9454 QAR Qatar Riyal 9.81788 AWOL makes no warranties, express or implied, regarding these rates and shall not be liable for any losses or damages incurred in connection with them.

Emergency & Useful Numbers Emergency Calls Police 191 Crime 195 Fire 199 Traffic Control Centre 197 Highway Police 1193 Tourist Police 1699 Tourist Service Centre 1155 Missing Persons Bureau 02 282 1815 Police Station at Hua Hin District 032 511 027 Cha-Am Police Station 032 471 321 Hua Hin Hospital 032 511 743 San Paulo Hospital 032 532 576 to 585 Hua Hin Red Cross 032 512 567

Useful numbers Hua Hin Tessabahn : 032 511 047 Hua Hin Immigration Office 032 513 574 Hua Hin Bus Terminal (non air-con) 032 511 230 (air-con) 032 511 651, 512 543 Hua Hin Railway Station 032 511 073 Tourist Information Centre 032 512 120 Hua Hin Electricity 032 512 215 Hua Hin Water 032 511 677 TOT 032 519 000/001 TT&T 032 532 018

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock (or living in Cha-am!) you won’t have failed to notice the big spruce up that Hua Hin has had for the ASEAN summit which started on the 27th. Aside from local gossip, the odd billboard welcoming dignitaries, and the HHAD forum and AWOL, there has been very little coverage on this event in the town itself. If you didn’t know any better you’d just assume that it was a regular cleanup and not a gathering of world leaders.

The message boards have been buzzing with discussion on the big meeting and how it will impact the town and its residents. For the last few weeks the local authorities have been running around like rats in a cage readying the town for bigwigs that are unlikely to even set foot in it. Road markings have been re-painted (not that any of Hua Hin’s motorists take notice of them), potholes have been filled and a nice new layer of blacktop has been laid from the airport to the venue of the meeting at the Dusit.

Even the dreaded bottleneck railway crossing at the G-supermarket is finally being widened after at least 6 years of procrastination. Further traffic control measures are questionable though; the long line of traffic cones on Petchkasem forcing drivers turning right to block an entire lane is a strange one. Somebody somewhere must have a reason for it though.

The no parking signs are hopeful, and it shows that if there is a big enough reason Hua Hin’s escalating traffic problems can be approached; it’s just a shame that for the rest of the year nobody gives a hoot!

The deployment of thousands of police to the Hua

Hin area has been cause for concern for a few, reports from Takiab of shakedowns and spot checks of locals and foreigners were starting to trickle in along with stories from angry beach restaurateurs who have had closure orders and furniture confiscated. Road blocks have been popping up like mushrooms, and although the primary concern seems to be the threat of demonstrations, the boys in brown are always happy to stop anyone and everyone in search of a quick buck.

Another summit side effect is the deterioration of Hua Hin’s already sub-standard internet infrastructure. There have been more than the usual flurry of complaints from disgruntled TOT, TT&T and CAT internet users about slow connections or no service at all. The general consensus is that what little international bandwidth there is available to Hua Hin has been piped up to the Dusit for the big boys while the rest of us play ‘share the carrier pigeon’ until its over.

On a brighter note though a new company is planning to offer free internet to Hua Hin city starting with a square kilometer coverage then expanding to 8 square kilometers from downtown. The service will be far from fast at 100kbps but it is a start and about time there was a new provider in Hua Hin that can offer a ray of digital hope for frustrated internet users with less choice than a Welsh fish n’ chip shop.

For all of these hot topics and plenty more get online at www.huahinafterdark.com/forum/ - Hua Hin’s only active web community.

HHAD

Disclaimer: All articles are published in good faith and based on information available to us at publication, No responsibility is accepted other than that stipulated by law. Although the information in this publication has been obtained from sources believed to be reliable, AWOL cannot guarantee accuracy in all cases. Any opinions expressed are those of the contributor and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher.

All materials copyright. All rights reserved and no part of this publication may be reproduced in part or in full without the previous written consent of the publisher. Neither can any part be stored in a retrieval situation, nor transmitted by electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or any other means.

AWOL is printed by Petchpoom Printing, and we can be contacted on awol@huahinmedia.com or 081 649 8361.

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Kong

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English corner

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huahinreport.com

Have you ever wondered where a certain phrase comes from, or what it really means? Every week we will expand your knowledge of English and its etymology with a different word or saying. This week it is...

Beyond the pale This phrase means something that is unacceptable, or outside agreed standards of decency.

Firstly, let’s get clear what word we are talking about here. It’s pale, and certainly not pail, - the phrase has nothing to do with buckets. The everyday use of the word pale is as the adjective meaning whitish and light in colour (and used to that effect by Procol Harum and countless paint adverts). This pale is the noun meaning ‘a stake or pointed piece of wood’. It is virtually obsolete now except in this phrase, but is still in use in the associated words paling (as in paling fence) and impale (as in Dracula movies).

The paling fence is significant as the term pale became to mean the area enclosed by such a fence and later just the figurative meaning of ‘the area that is enclosed and safe’. So, to be ‘beyond the pale’ was to be outside the area accepted as ‘home’.

Catherine the Great created a ‘Pale of Settlement’ in Russia in 1791. This was a western border region of the country in which Jews were allowed to live. The motivation behind this was to restrict trade between Jews and native Russians. Some Jews were allowed to live, as a concession, beyond the pale.

Pales were enforced in various other European countries for similar political reasons, notably in Ireland (the Pale of Dublin) and France (the Pale of Calais, which was formed as early as 1360).

The phrase itself comes later than that. The first printed reference comes from 1657 in John Harington’s lyric poem The History of Polindor and Flostella.

In that work, the character Ortheris withdraws with his beloved to a country lodge for ‘quiet, calm and ease’, but later venture further - ‘Both Dove-like roved forth beyond the pale to planted Myrtle-walk’. Such recklessness rarely meets with a good end in 17th century verse and before long they are attacked by armed men with ‘many a dire killing thrust’. The message is clearly, ‘if there is a pale, you should stay inside it’, which conveys exactly the meaning of the phrase as it is used today.

Couple Go Potty in Hua Hin Soi 94 - see p 12

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Property and Home

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Area 555

Send your jokes to us by email on awol@huahinmedia.com and get your name in print!

BOB Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the sunset.

Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, “You know, I don’t think there’s anyone on this planet I don’t know.”

His friend looks at him, “What? You’re kidding!”

Bob says, “No. I think I know just about everybody.”

Bob’s friend says, “I bet you don’t know former President Bush.”

“George? Yeah, I know ol’ George, as a matter of fact, I’m having dinner with him Tuesday. Why don’t you come along?”

They show up at the ex-President’s mansion Tuesday, and George Bush opens up the door himself. “Hey, Bob! How are ya doin’? Come on in!”

Bob’s friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. “I bet you don’t know Bruce Springsteen.”

“Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in Jersey!”

“Bob, I don’t believe you. I think you’re lying to me.”

“No, really,” Bob responds, “In fact, he’s putting on a show tomorrow night. Lets go.”

Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce Springsteen looks down and says, “I’d like to dedicate this next song to my good friend Bob here.”

The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to find someone Bob doesn’t know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the car and says, “Aha! You don’t know the Pope!”

“The Pope? Sure I know ol’ Benny!”

“You’re lyin’, Bob! I don’t believe you!”

“I’ll prove it to you,” Bob says.

So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob’s friend stands near the front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the street to his friend and says, “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a sudden a man leans towards me and says, ‘Hey, who’s that old guy standing next to Bob?’” Hot Chocolate and Viagra A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”

The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.”

The man says, “And the Viagra?”

“Keeps him from falling out of bed.”

And

British Breakfast Foods

Your STARS maphuahin.com

with Destiny Dan

brought to you by Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19 The term ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’ has always made you wonder. Clearly, notes are made out of paper so, technically, money grows in trees, or is of the very fiber of the trees themselves... We’re not being much help in your philosophical tree-based struggles are we? Suffice it to say, gentle reader, that this week a ton of paper (which might or might not be money) is about to plop, slide or thwack onto your door mat.

An age ravaged relative will make an allegation that will bring into question your long held liberal views on care for the elderly.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 17 This is a week for gloating, for feeling proud of yourself and smiling kindly at those who just don’t have it. Pluto, in particular, is proud of you for being practically perfect in every way. This ideal ‘Mary Poppins’ life scenario is set to last for much of the next few weeks. Enjoy!

A question involving your finances should be left blowing in the wind for another week.

Beware! You are especially likely to donate to charity, the homeless and people with a poor dress sense this week. Best to hide your credit cards until well into the second half of the year.

Pisces Feb 18 - Mar 19 Avoid the temptation to take control of routine or mundane matters this week as this can give the impression to others that you are serving staff on a dressed-down Friday.

Refuse to be taken advantage of, but do it quickly!

Do not let work based disputes stew as you are then likely to start weeping uncontrollably as you make your views known, leaving others no option but to tell you to ‘pull yourself together’, thus negating any of the arguments you initially intended to put across.

Arguments involving deep sea snorkeling should be avoided even if you know anything about the subject until well after dusk on the 28th.

Aries Mar 20 - Apr 19 A love interest from the past will tap you on the left shoulder this week in a public place - this is due to an abundance of tornadoes sweeping across the unnamed plane on Mars’s upper side. Be relieved it’s not a tap in a private place, especially if the loved one in question left you on angry terms or was sent to prison.

Bottles of mouthwash and darning needles will make uncomfortable bed fellows.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 19 Your overly protective tendency to support the underdog is one of your most endearing qualities when it takes the form of helping out loved ones. However, when it takes the form of standing up for the under dog per se you have no idea what an annoying quality this is, particularly in sporting events. You are lucky that people who are attracted to Taureans are pretty much blinded by your chiseled jaw and sporty physique, so no worries there!

You will have a chance encounter with a big celebrity in your town around the 4th which will give you a story for the grandchildren in later years.

Gemini May 20 - Jun 20 Standup rows, especially the ones in which your face goes red, your nose dribbles and saliva foams at the mouth, are particularly likely this week. Be careful, as whilst you will be sure you are right, others will think you are being hysterical and may slap you hard across the chops before running away, considering that to be their only way out.

Venus and Pluto are in a planetary equivalent of a fist fight situation at the moment and your temper is being affected accordingly. The good news is that Pluto and Venus are billions of miles apart, the bad news is that everything you know is within 100,000 miles so perhaps a cautious (if possible, a sleepy) aggression is the best policy.

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Tell everyone about it in the AWOL Balloon Chasers Guide.

Contact: awol@huahinmedia.com

Indian Cancer Jun 21 - Jul 21 Ball sports, and their kind, will pose multifarious difficulties during the coming week, especially when enhanced by alcohol and herb based muscle relaxants (when under such influences, take extra special care in particular when heading a ball, or when attempting rugby-type tackles using the whole of your body weight against a target below a competitors knee, especially if they are Taureans).

Spectators of sporting events also pose higher than enhanced risks, especially Cancerians standing in the line of a ball flying at speed into the exact direction of their heads. Take protective headgear with you at all times if you lack confidence in your ducking capabilities.

Leo Jul 22 - Aug 22 Your private life is set to become increasingly more important to you over the coming week, with telephone calls to a loved one from work likely to take up over 55% of your day at their peak. The Sun and Venus are the reason for your activity pattern here, an explanation you may want to remember if an office manager complains.

Leo’s are superb long-termists, but the problem is that you tend to look upon everything as a long term project, even if most other star signs would go down the short term route. Resist calls of ‘get a move on’, or ‘hurry up slow coach’, but only after careful, deliberate, consideration of the pros and cons.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sept 21 “Me Me Me!”. “Let’s talk about me!” “Hello? Over here? It’s my turn”... Does this sound like someone we know? Yes, it’s you babe.

Your demands for attention have been driving work colleagues and friends dotty with frustration pretty much since Christmas (2005). Now is the time to take a metaphorical step back and ask what can you bring to the Our-Me table!

Lost shoes and underwear could provide moments of relief in what is an otherwise hum drum week.

Avoid tinned meat after the 2nd, especially from animals who waddle.

Libra Sept 22 - Oct 22 You are surrounded by people who know nothing, who make promises they have no intention of keeping and talk about you unfavourably whenever you are out of ear shot. It’s time to get back at these timewasterlosers. Make this week the I will do it my way and I’ll be damned if I am gonna listen to any jerk with a stupid idea week.

An idea you will have this week will be worth a million dollars in the right hands. Make sure those right hands are yours, you deserve it.

This week avoid dining with Germans or Australians, favouring Texans or Floridians with a sound security rating.

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21 A fresh mountain-air-like refreshing of your being will occur this week and it’s not just because the aircon was accidentally turned colder...

This instant all-over-the-body-and-soul refreshment will allow you to re-juggle the priorities in your life.

Challenges will then seem completely do-able to budget and on time, at least during this pleasant alpine-fresh state.

A hang-up you have about moustaches is set to be vindicated after all these years. You will realize you have been right all along... Well done...

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 It is a common Sagittarian mistake to start a fight when they feel confused. This is especially so this week with Mars in such an uncompromising mood.

Take a deep breath, pay for a pamper, relax, meditate, become one with infinite wisdom. This really is the only way to avoid doing something really stupid this week.

An envious streak will burn brightly this week when an acquaintance is seen throwing his money about.

Once again, relax, take time to realize what is really important in your life, sob inconsolably, and then move on.

Never lie about your weight to a man who can mentally undress you. You won’t be able to fool him, remember, you’re standing naked in front of him.

Bugslock

Set yourself free from mosquito bites!

Safe - Effective - Convenient Mosquito Repellant

BERNY’S INN

Hua Hin Bazaar (near the Hilton Hotel) Telephone: 032 532 601

Home of Hua Hin Golf Society All the sports TV you can handle!

100% natural - Wear on wrist or ankle or place on table leg or golf bag Call into the Observer Office AGENTS REQUIRED

The Golfer’s 19th Hole!

brought to you by Top tips huahinblog.com DON’T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply Keep your wife/girlfriend on her toes by pretending to be asleep whilst muttering the names of your female neighbours under your breath.

Window cleaners - when quoting Doctor Who for the Tardis, don’t be conned into doing the inside windows for the same price as the outside.

fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air- filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire.

Probably.

AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself.

RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with ‘Cling Film’ first. If you don’t like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

Use sand instead of sugar in your tea. Can be re-used many times, and has far fewer calories.

PENSIONERS. Don’t forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still sound asleep in bed.

WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you’ll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out of the ceiling at night.

Pottyness Epidemic in Hua Hin Soi 94 - see p 17

Elitserien Live Ice Hockey Every weekend Soi 74 Hua Hin Tomas Tel. 089 813 5332

GET YOUR MESSAGE ACROSS EVERY WEEK WITH AN INSIDE PAGE AD FROM ONLY 200 BAHT! CONTACT

awol@huahinmedia.com

ERIKSSONs WÄRDSHUS

V75 Live Every Saturday Soi 74 Hua Hin Tomas Tel. 089 813 5332

HUA CHA HASH PEDALERS

The Hua Cha Hash Pedalers are biking enthusiasts who get together monthly for a group bike ride in the Hua Hin or Cha Am areas. A pre-determined trail is mapped out for the bikers to follow until coming to the finish at a place for food and cold drinks. Everyone with a mountain bike and a desire to join the fun is invited.

For more info, call or e-mail Don at 058-088 7181, donaltetley@yahoo.com, or Chris at 087-170 0268, chrisnumber_1@yahoo.com. Also see www.huahin-hhh.com

Quick XWord Across 6. Velvet-like fabric (6) 7. Social standing (4) 8. Sailors (4) 9. Moist with sweat (6) 10. Full of substance (5) 12. Decoration (5)

brought to you by

15. Alter (6) 17. Young cow (4) 18. Central part (4) 19. Machine that loads (6)

Down 1. Threaten (6) 14. Staggers (5) 2. Tasks (4) 16. Foot of a horse (4) 3. Collide (5) 17. Stuff (4) 4. Current of air (6) 5. Midge (4) 11. Cared for (6) 13. Joined by treaty (6)

Last week’s solution right

Cents

ERIKSSONs WÄRDSHUS

Khao Takiab - Kool Town

Welcome to a new feature in AWOL, focusing on Hua Hin’s nearest neighbourhood and undiscovered gem, Khao Takiab. Every week we will feature news, views, attractions and special offers from the unsung village that is a reminder of what Hua Hin used to be. And there is plenty going on to bely the sleepy fishing village impression, with a host of bars, restaurants, hotels and condominiums, as well as top quality golf courses and pristine beaches.

Khao Takiab attractions Khao Takiab Beaches

The beach behind the hill of Khao Takiab (below) is a great place to spend late afternoon. Large expanses of open sand and shallow waters are ideal for kids and beach games.

There are also plenty of loungers and restaurants here too where you can relax in the sun.

Before the hill of Khao Takiab the beach isn’t as nice however you will see some of the local fishing boats and can get access to the temple.

There are a number of seafood restaurants here ranging from small Thai style places to large expensive resorts.

You can get great views from the top of the temple at Khao Takiab, on a clear day you can see as all the way down Hua Hin beach and as far as Cha-am. Take a boat trip from Khao Takiab to Koh Singto (Lion Island).

Khao Takiab temples There are a number of temples in and around Khao Takiab, the most popular being Khao Takiab temple itself, commonly referred to as “Monkey Mountain”. There are a number of macaques that have made the temple grounds their home and have got quite used to tourists. A word of caution though as they will grab anything unattached, watch out with small children also, these animals are still wild.

The stair climb rewards you with a great view from the top, those looking for an easier option can drive up around the back. They have been building in the temple grounds at the top of the hill for a number of years now, it still doesn’t seem to be complete but that does not detract from the great views and the beauty of the temple and statues themselves.

The picture to the right is of the well known Standing Buddha, a landmark that can be seen from the beach in Hua Hin, which is at the base of the mountain near the beach.

Where is Khao Takiab? For those of you unfamiliar with KT, just take the road south from Hua Hin for about 6 km until you reach a junction where the main road bends right up and over the railway, with a U-turn underneath, and the leftmost lane before that will take you into the centre of Khao Takiab.

KT News & Events SUNSET BOULEVARD Pub Quiz on Mondays every three weeks.

Next one is due 9th March.

KHAO TAKIAB GOLF SOCIETY The focus is much more on enjoyment than handicaps and for a great chance to meet like minded

golfers call Bob 089 586 1700 or email ktgolfsociety@hotmail.com KHAO TAKIAB BUSINESS COMMUNITY - a group of business owners in Khao Takiab are striving to promote Khao Takiab in a variety of ways. If you are interested in

joining them, please contact either Mike at Sunset Boulevard on 084 376 9438 or Martin at Lost Cafe via email on Lostthecafe@aol.com.

We want people to ‘Try Takiab’ and want to hear your ideas.

Sunset Boulevard Bar and Cafe Where friends meet before and after Sunset

Cha Am Lovers!

AWOL is now being distributed in the Cha Am area as well!

If you have a business there and want to advertise

CONTACT

awol@huahinmedia.com

Attention Advertisers!

Why not try a HHAD/ AWOL joint package?

From only 3000 baht a month

Best local coverage and great value!

CONTACT

awol@huahinmedia.com

Location: Nong Khae Rd past Chiva Som opposite Wat Nong Khae on the way to Khao Takiab Contact: Noy 084 359 7545 or Mike 084 376 9438 email: mikesmiththailand@gmail.com Clue for password - Monkey’s names!

Open daily from 10.00 am to 01.00 am

Good Food International Draught Beers and more Lost is between the Chiva Som and Hyatt Tel 032 511624

TA K E I T E A S Y AT

Sabai Bar

Relax with an ice cold beer and a friendly welcome from Noi and the girls Get updated and chat about the Hua Hin Golf Society with Kevin Play pool with the many regulars Open every day from 12 Noon‘Til Late

Visit Myanmar Play golf in the Golden Land Escorted CustomTours - Enquire within Find us at 5 Soi Selekam, Hua Hin - from the Hilton go north along Naresdamri Road, take the first left and then the first right, and we are 40 m along on the right

Contact us: Noi 086-174-6165 Kevin 089-913-7926

email kevinmilke@yahoo.co.uk

English

• Thai & International food • All day breakfast • Tea and Coffee • Cold Beer and soft drinks • International wines & spirits • Cocktails • Free Internet & Wi Fi • Free Pool • Friendly English Speaking Staff

CLASSIFIEDS Business

Bar/Restaurant for lease. In Guesthouse on Soi 80. No key money. Purchase existing inventory (Liquor), 8000 bht/month against percentage + electricity. Turnkey, but kitchen could use an upgrade.

Plenty of space. Contact Brad Walker, Thai-Hi Scorpion Corp. bradkamehameha@yahoo.com +66-89-511-0874 (Thailand) Yoga Class for your body and mind. Hello !

My name is Thyda. I am Yoga Instructor who can train both private yoga and group yoga for hotel, hospital and club. Further information, please feel free to contact me by thid_suttha@yahoo.com or 087-0146729.

TEFL in Huahin. Do you love it here in Thailand?

You want to stay-But don’t know how? Join our “Outreach Project”...and make a difference in the lives of Thai Children. We offer 3 weeks intensive TEFL (Teaching English as a foreign language) Training PLUS A GUARANTEED Job Placement & Salary for 4 months contract...Earn as you go!!! Course Starts in APRIL 7th - 24th, 2009. 2nd Special TEFL Project For Filipinos and people who live in Thailand March 2nd to 20th. Free course material Plus Accommodation. Free work permit. Free transportation to Orientation course. More info contact: Prissy tefl@ teachinginthailand.net Shop for rent in prime location (near Hilton).

Three year lease for 1.2 million and 60,000 bht per month.

Suitable for property, jewellery or eyeglass business.

Please contact K.Raj (english) Email: chokthip_huahin@hotmail.com BAR FOR SALE With all fittings and furniture pool table and accomadation very good profits low rent long lease. Call : Peter Thripp 085 229807 Cheapest Tours In Town If you are looking for Tours program and hotel reservations in a good price and good service please do not hesitate to contact us at 032 533005 086 5574872. We look forward to serving you.

We offer the cheapest price!!! Contact kriangkrai pintong on Email: dctravelhuahin@hotmail.com Bars for sale Two bars for the price of one for sale in the centre of town just off Bintabarth. Great location good trade phone 0875006519 for more details.

Contact D.J on denisnaulty@hotmail.com New bar for rent. Bar for rent near railway station. Contact Ratcha on n_sepia@hotmail.com

chokthip curtains Made to order for house and condominium. we make Curtains, upholstery (sofa covers cushions. chair seats), blinds, waterproof beach mats, beach umbrellas and many more. Contact Rajesh Pakhrin Call 084 0892609 (English) Email: chokthip_huahin@hotmail.com COMPANY FOR SALE with 3 million Baht capital registered, provide 1 work permit and ready web site, full account service. Need more details, please send email or call 087-169-6658 Great Business for Quick Sale Ready Business for Takeover – Pattaya Distributorship of international calling service products, retail network (indoor & outdoor) in Pattaya, good commissions - one-time and recurring stream, a fully equipped office, lease for office building which can be extended to include an apartment.

Interested contact Charli 0868383968 or email charlihen@yahoo.com Catering trailer for sale A purpose built catering trailer, sited in a prime area of Hua Hin, this unit is currently operating as a burger bar. Equipment includes double deep fat fryer, double hot plate, fridge freezer, microwave oven, and sundry utensils. Offers invited around 250,000baht. Contact Mike Smith Email: eastern_scotsman@hotmail.com Looking to live the quiet life? Get away from the pollution, traffic and busied city life... Come check out slow-paced Pai where there are still quiet little corners of immaculate nature to build your dream home! I’m happy to help you any way I can to find the perfect piece of land! Knowledge of the local area and land law regarding foreigners. English/Thai speaking. Contact Dave @ 085713-0119 or deepdreams@gmail.com. Namaste For Sale Mini Mart at the Grand Hotel Night Market, Great location, going concern. Great potential for expansion, it has regular foreign and Thai customers. Genuine good reason for selling. Open to offers. Call 0811455298 for English or 0854709158 for Thai. Email: denisnaulty@hotmail.com

Employment Female Marketing & PR officer needed A newly established international Academy based in northern part of Thailand is in urgent need of a female marketing and public relations officer; this position is reserved for foreigners while Thais can also apply, all applicants must be good in speaking and writing of English, please respond with your details to Soo Soodjai on Email: soosoodjai2009@yahoo.com

Looking for part time job. I’m looking for part time job as housekeeper, 4 hours per day (08.00 11.00 am). Please contact me Tel. 083-3511896 Nin Football Coach needed A newly opened International Football Academy in Thailand is interested to employ qualified coaches from European or South American region. Applicant must have coaching license to coach youths from 7-17 years old, please note that other additional document may be required on application or interview. Please contact by email, every email will be reply with full contact details to Soo Soodjai on Email: soosoodjai2009@yahoo.com Secretary/Assistant Seeking a female Thai national that can read, write and speak English for a secretarial/assistant position with WaterMicron Industries, Ltd. here in Hua Hin. We are a new company that manufactures and sells Atmospheric Water Generators for home, office and commercial use. The applicant must be in her early to mid 20’s attractive in appearance, friendly, computer literate and can provide her own transportation. Salary is negotiable. Contact Kamontip Mongkal Email: glloyd@watermicron.com

General Tennis racket Wilson k6-1 tour, Roger Federer uses this one. Cost in Bangkok 8,900. Strung with nxt strings, includes 2 sets of nxt strings. Nxt costs 1,400. Total 13,000baht. You pay 5,000baht. Call Bill at 0802446739 For sale, triple fridge freezer, three door, 5 months old, ideal for bar, guest house, restaurant. Price: 30,000, o.n.o. Call Peter on 087 168 4654, 24 hrs.

Unique furniture for sale, Rosewood: Bar with stools and Wine cooler/Optics, 8 seater Dining set, Sideboard , Table and 2 chairs, Dressing table and 2 bedside cabinets. Custom sideboard and bookcases.

Burmese Teak outside table/6 chairs, Cane day bed. New, unused 18ct gold designer jewellery, New Remington, Ionic/Ceramic heated roller set, Original Gucci EDP 50ml.

Various DVDs. Lakeview Membership valid until January 2023, Baht 150,000/- only (Buyer pays transfer fee).Please call 084 1128873 for full details/prices.For urgent sale.

GARDEN FURNITURE Table and 4 chairs made from solid wood. Needs a varnish to bring back to original condition. Selling due to new set. 2,500Bhat. Any questions, please email Amanda Keating on phak113@ yahoo.co.uk Acoustic and electric guitar for sale.

Contact Ratcha Email: n_sepia@hotmail.com Calloway Golf Clubs Full set Mizuno irons

If you wish to place a classified advert in AWOL, please either send an email to awol@observergroup.net or fill in the details below and cut out the coupon and deliver it to Noi at Sabai Bar, Soi Selekam by 6 pm on the Tuesday before the issue you want to be included in. . All adverts are free and will be included for 4 weeks automatically except for property or business adverts - please contact AWOL on awol@huahinmedia.com for prices and details. Please register on www. classifiedshuahin.com to place your ad there free of charge; a selection from there will be in AWOL every week.

PLEASE COMPLETE THE FORM IN BLOCK CAPITALS (limit of 40 words per free ad)

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Motoring For Rent 2007 Chevy Colorado 4 door truck, Manual, radio, CD player, 500 baht day, Minimum 1 Month rental, discount longer rental, Truck available one month to one year. Also automatic Motorbike available for short or long term rent. Call 087 155 7737 (English) 084 713 6339 (Thai).

Land Rover L.W.B. Dark green, Isuzu diesel engine fully serviced, new tyres, good condition, 175,000 baht. Phone Sheila 081-006-4010 MAZDA 323 (1996) Excellent condition - Re-con Engine, new wheels, brakes and full suspension. All work carried out by Mazda main dealer. Dark blue with manual transmission. Great Buy for 130,000bt. Contact Billy Hollows on Email: billyhollows@hotmail.co.uk Triumph Rocket 3 Classic for reluctant sale.

2 tone black and cherry red, 2007, 15,000kms only. Extras include sissy bar and rack, Givi screen, US zip on / zip off saddle bags, Remote Alarm immobiliser, footplates front and back. Fully legal! Well maintained and oil replaced every 5000 km with fully synthetic. Just had first full service. The ultimate Thailand touring machine! Cost new 1.2 million without any extras! Leaving Thailand so 850,000 baht OVNO contact for pictures Duncan #089 9860731 or Email: duncanw@live.com motorcycle for sale honda phantom 1100 kms on clock, 55000bht Shane O’keeffe Email: www. shanespok@yahoo.co.uk MOTORCYCLES WANTED 1. Looking for an old motorcycle that I can just leave in my drive. Doesn’t have to run. Any condition considered! 2. Also looking for a reliable cheap motorcycle that does run up to 20,000 B for the girlfriend! Contact Jim Brown on jimbrown123453@ yahoo.com HONDA, YAMAHA or SUZUKI wanted! Honda Air Blade, Click or Wave 125i. Yamaha Fino, Mio or Nouvo.

Suzuki Step (disc brake only). Preferred colours: Black, white or silver (except Fino also all metallic colours).

Details about age (when and where registered), colour, condition (any accidents or scratches, tyres, etc.), km, history (how many owners, rental bike, regular serviced), insurance (paid until), model (like Mio, old or new one), extra accessories/parts or changes and also some photos are much appreciated. Important: Where to pick up the bike? Please, no unrealistic offers/dream prices! Contact Michael Schuwald Email: junkcoconut@yahoo.de Honda Airblade Beautiful Condition Black & White, Mag wheels, 14,000 Km, serviced regularly.

23,500 Baht. Contact Noi Email: kp0111@msn.com

Personals Are there any like-minded people who are interested in miniature dolls houses living in Hua Hin; and who would like to get in touch with a very enthusiastic miniaturist? If so please email...nevandeve@gmail.com

Property GREAT LAND BUY HUA HIN-CHA AM REDUCED TO ONLY 200,000 BAHT A RAI. This 8 rai of land is for sale at the amazing price of 1.6 million baht for 8 rai. The house is added for free! The land is near to Springfield golf course, near to the World Sports Centre, on a main concrete road and there is also a road on the far side of the land too. Mountain views. There is water and electricity.

Chanote and chanote posts, Contact Darrell 0846846869 Land in Hua Hin 1 rai land at tropical hill for sale, surrounded by a 2m high wall, water and electric available, suitable for building, business or leisure lovely

mountain views access via government road. For sale at 3.5 million baht ovno contact khun Mae in Hua Hin on 0862444709 or Peter in the UK on mobile 07592671391 6 bed, 4 bath villa with private pool We have been living in Australia for a couple of years and unfortunately we are now needing to sell our Thailand Holiday Home.

This has been an ongoing holiday villa that we have rented out on line. The home comes fully furnished and equipped for holiday lets and we would like the new buyer to honour any existing bookings that we have coming in this year.

We are looking at obtaining a minimum of 5M Thai Baht in our pockets which will include all furniture and also the company as well as the website. Please contact us for further info and details. Contact Desiree Doherty Email: doherty.dc@gmail.com ABSOLUTE BEACHFRONT SECTION Walk straight onto the beach from your 1067sq.m (2/3’s of a rai) bareland section. Located in Tapsakae, Prajuab.

The property has full land title and has electricity and water located at the road at the rear of the section. Sale price is 3 million baht. It is very difficult to find sections of this smaller size. Additionally it is located adjacent to a large piece of land designated as an exclusive resort.

Email us for more details. Paul Somerville Email: empowerasia@gmail.com HOUSE FOR SALE HUA HIN. New house built only 12 months ago. 3 double bedrooms, two bathrooms, large open plan kitchen living room. Landscaped garden.

I bought this house on a secure site only 4 months ago, with clubhouse and communal swimming pool. I have furnished the house with good quality furniture, including 42” Plasma TV in Living room, and 32” wall mounted TV in master bedroom. Both with DVD players and hooked up to satellite. Also there is Telephone internet connected.

The house also has 2 bathrooms one is on-suite to the master bedroom. I have also had installed, security bars, mosquito nets to all doors and windows, and air conditioning to all rooms. And site service charges are paid for the next 8 months. The living room is huge with open plan American style kitchen and Marble Top Island. There is a new fridge freezer, oven, hob and extractor hood. The house is situated only 6 minutes drive to Hua Hin town centre, with a local 7-11 shop just down the road. I bought the house only 4 months ago and paid 3.25 Million Baht for it. I have since had all the extras mentioned above fitted, landscaped the garden and completely furnished the house. The house is valued at 3.4 million Baht exclusive of all the extras and furniture, but due to a crisis in UK, I have to return there. I am willing to make a quick sale for 3.4 million inclusive of everything, mentioned above. A fully furnished house you can just walk into. Pictures are available on request. Please contact Wayne Instone email chopper123@live.co.uk

Rentals Beautiful 4 bed /4 bath house for rent Khao Takiab. Spacious 4 bed /4 bath, refurbished house. A/C, Western kitchen, open plan lounge/ diner. Cable TV, Internet, communal pool, only a stroll to the beautiful Khao Takiab beach and the cheeky monkeys on Monkey Mountain! 2 minutes walk to local shops/ bars/ restaurants ideal for family or golfing holidays. Daily/ weekly/ monthly/ long term rates available. Contact maire.evans1@btinternet. com Serviced rooms for rent, long-term from 5000 bht/month + electricity. On Soi 80 near everything.

Tropical Style. Quaint, quiet and comfortable. Contact Brad Walker, Thai-Hi Scorpion Corp. bradkamehameha@ yahoo.com +66-89-511-0874 (Thailand) 4 bedroom house In Khao Tao, 15 minutes from Hua Hin and 2 minutes to Had Sai Noi beach. 15,000 Baht per month. Contact Dougal Brown Email: dougal_brown@yahoo.co.uk Townhouse for rent in Khao Takiab.

Three storeys, includes furniture, 10,000 baht/month.

Contact Jang on 089 914 9994

I would like to rent a House/Condo Please. I am Coming to Hua Hin for at least a year, in May 2009. I would like to Rent a house/Condo close to Town centre for 12500 bht max per month. Anything available please.

Thanks Bev. Contact Beverley Wood on Email: bbwood@ btinternet.com Brand new condo for rent opposite Market Village 53sqm 1 bedroom 1 bathroom fully furnished with private balcony overlooking swimming pool and beach in brand new beachfront condominium “Baan Sanpluem”.

Come visit the place and you will love it! Rent 20,000 Baht/ month. Contact doungdaow on Email: doungdaow_s@ yahoo.com Beach Condo for rent in Cha Am Newly built two bedroom condo for rent. Stunning sea view, large swimming pool, few steps from the sea, 24-H security, Gym, Wifi internet, sauna, Restaurant, Mini mart, taxi service. Located 4 km north from Cha Am city in quiet area. 20000 baht / month. Contact Kjell Lindvall Email: kjelle@cha-am-beach.com 4 -6 villas required We are a group of 12 male golfers visiting Hua Hin from 30 May 2009 to 13 June 2009 looking for villas or townhouses to rent in same complex if possible contact Greg Kirkwood at xcs@iinet.net.au

Technology TCL LCD 20 Inch Monitor This monitor can be used as a TV or computer monitor. It has: VGA in / Audio in / Antenna in. This monitor was purchased for more than 20,000 baht. I will accept any reasonable offer for it. Contact Michael Email: michael_as1@yahoo.com Amplifier Fox stereo Mosfet amplifier 3000W. 2 microphone input, DVD, VCD, TAPE. Perfect for karaoke, bars, garden, swimming pool or just blow out your neighbours! Give away price as I don’t need it. 2500 baht only! Contact Kjell Lindvall Email: kjelle@cha-ambeach.com Website design and marketing services Professional website design, marketing and maintenance services. Get it done locally and save the money and hassle. We can also offer search engine optimization and link marketing solutions. Digital Metrix are well established in Hua Hin and offer only the best, call our sales office on 032-533371 or visit our site www.digitalmetrix.net

Wanted Bike Wanted Good quality mans bike wanted.

No Thai made bikes please. Contact Mike Disley on Email: mikedisley@yahoo.co.uk Playgroup in Hua Hin or Cha-am Hi, I have a two year old girl and would like to join a playgroup in either Hua Hin or Cha-am area. I stay near Holiday Inn (cha-am) and am very happy to host the playgroup. If any mothers are interested to form and join the playgroup, please call Yui at 085-159 0926 or Email: yuikhonkaen@ yahoo.com Thanks

Lets Go Potty Soi 94 Hua Hin

Potty Prices All Pots Under 3,000 Baht.

Hand Made Quality Pots and Statuettes of Original and Unique Design.

Open 10 am - 6 pm Phone 081 763 6608

Pounds

and Calloway Drivers hardly used. Can be seen and tested at Mongkol Driving Range. 8800 baht including bag. For details call Terry 0845 716 407 or email syzygy47@hotmail. com Wooden dinner table with 6 chairs.

Bought new for 14000 baht. Sell for 9000 baht. Can deliver in Hua Hin / Cha Am area. Contact Kjell Lindvall Email: kjelle@cha-am-beach.com

Does life suck? Have your troubles blown away at

Lolitas

Soi Selekam Open 11am - 1am

Your Problems SOLVED

DEAR MARY, I have an unnaturally long tongue and have found it troublesome all my life. I can’t think what do about such an annoying defect, I am constantly embarrassed by it and people frequently mention it. What would you recommend I do about it?

Eyebrow Licker, Khao Takiab Mary says, Dear Eyebrow Licker, First swallow your pride. What you have there is an asset. We have thought of several uses for a tongue such as yours, in fact the entire typing pool came up with the same suggestion but for reasons of good taste, we cannot mention it here. Why not (a) hire it out as a door mat, (b) a post room stamp licker, (c) a leather strop or (d) get yourself a harem.

DEAR MARY, After six months of what seemed like blissful happiness I found out that my boyfriend is a closet Arsenal fan. Over the summer he managed to keep up the pretence that he was mildly interested in Tottenham signings but had no great interest in football but when the new season started, he could conceal his inner gooner no more.

It all came to a head last Saturday when I found him

Relationship woes?

Bar girl blues?

Sexual deviant?

Send your problem to Mary Ann Cotton on awol@huahinmedia.com

in his condo surrounded by holes he had punched in the walls. At first he told me he’d lost his job, then he told me his granddad had died and finally he tried to fob me off by pretending to be dying of cancer. But I knew it had to be something serious and then I saw his computer - he’d just looked up the Arsenal v Sunderland result!

What shall I do? This mismatch of football allegiances is certainly going to cause a massive rift between us but I don’t want my otherwise functional relationship to end. He is the gentlest, most honest man I’ve ever met. Am I deluding myself with thoughts of this working?

Spurs Fan, Cha Am Mary says: Dear Spurs Fan, There is no greater threat to a relationship than conflicting football allegiances. Some choices we make, such as religion and political leanings, are quite arbitrary and meaningless; however the football team we support represents the very core of our soul.

You could try bleaching his football shirts and embroidering cockerels onto his bed sheets but basically your relationship is doomed. You can take the man out of The Emirates but you can’t take The Emirates out of the man.

Hua Hin Classifieds are FREE for personal use and small businesses, however all classifieds are subject to approval and will not appear instantly.

Selected adverts will appear every week in the area’s only free weekly English language publication, AWOL

Petchkasem Road soi 70 (Chomsin Road 164) Reservations: 032 511 913 www.bluemoonhuahin.net

Rooms at 690, 950, 1260 and 1750 Baht Located in the centre of Hua Hin with large parking at the back

The Hash Report by Cannonballs CHA AM HASH HOUSE HARRIERS HASH NO.93 HELD WEST OF PETCHKASEM ROAD BY 217KM

MARKER ON SATURDAY 21ST FEBRUARY 2009 Hares: Steakhouse and Pinkie The usual brilliant sunshine beamed down on about 40 Hashers, all assembled in an infinite variety of colourful attire amidst open cattle country and showing that spirit of unfailing optimism which distinguishes Hashers from the rest of humanity at 4pm on a Saturday. The Hares provided a most erudite, thorough but noisy briefing, referring to certain characteristics of the Bangkok Hash which were about to be unleashed upon this unsuspecting group of hashing worthies who then set out, suitably briefed and chastened, to face the rigours before them.

The first test was a large herd of cattle passing in the opposite direction and squeezing hashers back against the bushes – a sort of Raging Bull meets Exodus moment, delaying only shortly the challenge posed by a well set trail with numerous but simple checks and a 360 degree radius of possible directions to find. Fortunately no parting of the Red Sea was required on this occasion, although, figuratively speaking, some Hashers were later to see red, of which more anon. The trail led through delightfully open country with good conditions underfoot and checks set so well as to slow down runners and enable walkers to contribute to finding the route, keeping the Hash well together throughout. These conditions did not prevent a couple of heavy falls occurring with Hashers rallying to help on each occasion. Open bush gave way to light woodland and again to sugar cane plantation and pineapple field. Such was the diversity of the vegetation that we lost any sense of a return loop and ploughed ever onward to the On In where the amber nectar flowed, as of yore.

Cannonballs apologised for the delay in getting out Misdirections and thanked Ballbanger and Scotchtape for their assistance with the assurance that the mailing list would work smoothly in future. Cannonballs downed the Hares most honourably for a good trail and then Virgins, Returners, Departers and Visitors. He downed FRBs and a number of unrepentant SCBs. Then came the christening of Dutchman, Ton, who acquired the name of Surabaya Johnnie under allegedly dubious circumstances, Dutch Cap being the other suggested soubriquet. Never has there been such indignation exploding in the Circle over these rival methods of birth control, except perhaps at a Marie Stopes convention. Dave the Rave averted open rebellion by icing Penny Lame and various others for Misdemeanours and related a jolly golfing story. Cannonballs resumed hostilities by honourably downing the Bushwhackers for achieving the accolade of a round of golf on a course without tees or greens and closed the Circle with the story of dastardly Don Pedro. The On On On was at the Chicken Coop where Mother Hen laid on her usual good fare and unfailing hospitality.

THAI BOXING Look out for details of the regular fight nights held at the Thai Boxing Garden. These are not exhibition matches, but the real thing. Anyone interested in the art of Muay Thai should call into the Boxing Garden and talk to Khun Chop, Hua Hin’s own champion. Positioned in Poolsuk Road, behind the temple, turn left beside Willi’s. Tel: 032 515 269 EVERY SATURDAY & TUESDAY

JUNGLE JUICE Bar/Restaurant open daily 9am - midnight

Traditional English Breakfasts Sunday Roasts (Lamb & Pork) Thai food and catering Family Friendly Free Pool and Darts 19/1 Selekam Road, Hua Hin Tel. 087 153 2259 Email mueansean@hotmail.com

And

BLUE MOON HOTEL

LUCKY SHOT BAR

Hua Hin’s only pool bar with 9’ tables

Saturday drinks specials!!

Tequila, Sambuca & Sour Apple only 50 baht B-52’s only 100 baht Contact Andy on 086 178 1550 27/3 Poolsuk Road, Hua Hin

Hua Hin 9-Ball League League Table W 12 10 8 8 7 6 6 6 4

D 0 0 1 0 2 2 1 0 1

L 6 7 9 3 3 7 6 7 12

Hua Hin Pool Leagues

Hua Hin Pool Billiard League Results Matchday 24 20th February 2009 Home Racks Pts Away Racks Pts

DIA 5 2 SUG 18 6 JWB 18 6 EAG 18 6 LSS 14 4 LSB 17 6 DA 9 2 OCT no Game

LSA TW DB LSL QUE JWR CAP

16 10 8 12 11 6 16

6 2 2 2 4 2 6

Next Weeks Fixtures Matchday 25 27/02/2009 LSA v Queens Flower Eagle v JW Red JW Black v Captain’s Inn LSL v LSS Diamond v Sugar Cane Octopussy v Dick’s Office A Dick’s Office B v LSB no Game v Thaiwaii

League Table

Team Mr Dan A BenTho LilleMan Red Bar B’fly Rock Dicks B Dolphin Plas Place Mr Dan B

P 18 17 18 11 12 15 13 13 17

Diff 53 17 -33 28 -16 -4 23 -1 -41

Pts 24 20 17 16 16 14 13 12 9

Dicks A

14 3 1 10 -26 7

Results Week 19 23rd February 2009 Butterfly Rock 12 - 10 Plas Place Dicks B 17 - 8 Mr Dan B Dolphin 13 - 11 LilleMan Mr Dan A 14 - 11 BenTho Red Bar 17 - 7 Dicks A Next Weeks Fixtures The season has finished, although there are a number of outstanding results of matches that either have not been played or results not submitted. Please contact Dan at Mr Dans for more information.

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5 RAI LAND IN NONG KHA NEAR THE ROAD OPPOSITE HUAY MONKOL PRICE 2,000,000 BAHT 250 SQ. WAH LAND IN KHAO DANG PRICE 2,000,000 BAHT (8,000 BAHT/SQ. WAH) CALL 081 571 3003 (JA)

Team Eagle Bar Queens Flower Bar Lucky Shot Student's Johnie Walker Black Lucky Shot A Lucky Shot B Octopussy Bar Lucky Shot Ladies Sugar Cane Bar Silverrock Bar Johnie Walker Red Dick's Office B Thaiwaii Captain's Inn Diamond Bar Dick's Office A

P 24 23 23 23 23 24 23 24 23 15 24 23 24 23 23 24

W 18 15 15 16 13 12 11 9 9 7 6 6 5 4 3 1

D 4 6 4 2 6 6 4 6 3 4 6 2 3 4 4 2

L 2 2 4 5 4 6 8 9 11 4 12 15 16 15 16 21

Diff Racks Pts 80 134 40 70 139 36 40 74 34 38 99 34 36 84 32 24 33 30 6 13 26 -6 -5 24 8 20 21 0 -5 18 -30 -76 18 -36 -72 14 -28 -51 13 -54 -99 12 -64 -128 10 -84 -160 4

To all participants in the Hua Hin 8 Ball and 9 Ball Leagues The organiser, Chris, has once again been hospitalised which may cause some delay to the start of the new seasons; please be patient and be assured that everything is being done in order for the new seasons to start up. Please contact Dan at Mr Dans to both register your interest in playing the new season and for the latest information.

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Home of the Hua Hin Darts Leagues

www.observergroup.net All back issues available For the geek in all of us!

Extensive Menu 8’ Pool Table Dart Boards

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brought to you by Lucky Shot Bar Hua Hin and Khao Takiab Pool League League Table Results Next Week’s Fixtures Team P W D L +/- Pts Wed 25th February 2009 Wed 4th March 2009 Dara Bar v Bob and Noks Free Time 12 9 2 1 44 20 Bob and Noks 11 - 7 Kun Koom Harleys Bar 10 8 Eagle Bar Dizzy Dolphin v Railway Tavern Oasis 11 8 2 1 46 18 Oasis Bar 13 5 Dizzy Dolphin Eagle Bar v Oasis Bar Bob & Noks 12 8 1 3 28 17 Sunset Boulevard 10 8 Dara Bar Free Time Bar v Harleys Bar Harleys 12 7 1 4 32 15 Thaiwaii 5 13 Free Time Bar Kun Koom v Thaiwaii Eagle 12 5 4 3 30 14 S’set B’vard Dizzy Dolph Thaiwaii Kun Koom R’way Tav Dara Bar Deja Vu

12 12 12 12 11 12 0

5 3 3 2 3 1 0

3 4 3 6 2 7 3 7 0 8 1 10 0 0

-2 13 -22 9 -32 8 -26 7 -32 6 -66 3 0 0

Hua Hin Social Pool League Results Week 25 – 25th February 2009 Headrock v Butterfly Rock – n/a Limelight v JW Black 8-11 U Turn v Billys 7-12 J Juice B v J Juice A 11-8 Billys Babes v Lazy Daze - n/a JW Red v PP 6-13 Sabai v Red Bar - n/a Next Weeks Fixtures: Week 26 – 4th March 2009 Butterfly Rock v Sabai Red Bar v JW Red PP v Billys Babes Lazy Daze v Jungle Juice B Jungle Juice A v U Turn Billys v Limelight JW Black v Headrock League Table Team PP J Juice B Billys Bbs JW Black Billys J Juice A Lazy Dz Sabai Red Bar Headrock U Turn Limelight B’fly Rock JW Red

P 25 24 23 23 24 23 23 23 21 23 22 24 17 19

W 22 18 16 15 13 13 13 11 10 9 8 7 1 1

L 3 6 7 8 11 9 10 12 11 14 14 17 16 18

F-A 278-197 264-190 242-195 237-200 239-219 215-204 207-207 212-232 200-194 200-237 204-217 201-234 119-201 118-228

Pts 44 36 32 30 28 26 26 22 20 18 16 14 2 2

Hua Hin Darts Leagues

Results & League Tables - Week 1 24th February Division 2 Division 1 Kom Hom v Butterfly Rock 6-6 JW Black v Dicks Office B n/a Jaew v Scandic Bar B 12-0 Oasis v CAT 6-6 Lucky Shot v Railway Tav 12-0 Scandic Bar A v Paradise 1-11 Dicks A v Kom Hom Ladies 12-0 Lazy Daze v JW Red 1-11 Team P’dise JW Red Oasis CAT Scan A Lazy D JW Blk Dicks B

P W D 1 1 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

L PF-PA Pts 0 11-1 2 0 11-1 2 0 6-6 1 0 6-6 1 1 1-11 0 1 1-11 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

Team Lcky S Jaew Dicks A B’fly Rk Kom H Scan B R’way KH Lds

P W D 1 1 0 1 1 0 1 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 1 0 0

L PF-PA Pts 0 12-0 2 0 12-0 2 0 12-0 2 0 6-6 1 0 6-6 1 1 0-12 0 1 0-12 0 1 0-12 0

Next Week’s Fixtures - Week 2 03/03/2009 Division 1 Division 2 Paradise v Lazy Daze Railway Tavern v Dicks Office A CAT v Scandic Bar A Scandic Bar B v Lucky Shot Dicks Office B v JW Red Eero v Kom Hom Ladies JW Black v Oasis Kom Hom v Jaew Top 16 Top 10 -Div 1 Name Bar S Win D Win S2L D2L Tons 140+ 180s Clse C >100 Pts 5 Stuart P 5 6 2 1 6 2 1 0 28 Tao Cat 5 5 6 2 1 7 2 0 0 28 Anna JWR 4 5 6 0 2 5 1 0 0 23 Mark O 5 5 2 2 0 2 0 0 0 16 Don Cat 3 5 2 2 1 3 0 0 0 16 Supee JWR 4 5 2 2 1 1 0 0 0 15 Rene JWR 3 5 2 0 1 3 1 0 0 15 Pim P 3 5 2 0 1 0 0 0 0 11 Golf SBA 3 0 2 0 1 4 0 0 0 10 Doug M P 2 5 2 0 0 1 0 0 0 10 Top 6 - Div 2 Name Bar S Win D Win S2L D2L Tons 140+ 180s Clse C >100 Pts 6 Jim DOA 5 6 0 1 7 2 0 0 27 Danny LS 2 5 6 0 2 3 0 0 0 18 Theo LS 3 5 3 2 0 3 0 0 0 16 Bruce DOA 4 5 3 2 1 1 0 0 0 16 Muay JB 3 5 6 2 0 0 0 0 0 16 Pekka BR 5 0 6 0 2 2 0 0 0 15

Eskimo

Hua Hin Pool Leagues

Balloon Chasers Guide

Welcome to the most vital guide around! All the parties, celebrations and balloons you could want (along with some booze and food of course!)

Tell us about it by the Thursday before and we will include it here...send some photos and we will do our utmost to publish them; email awol@ huahinmedia.com or contact Noi at Sabai Bar (Tel: 086 174 6165).

Saturday 28th February - Boss’s Birthday Party at Lolitas from 8pm - All Welcome - Free Food Sunday 8th March - Dick’s Office Quiz night Regular Events Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays - Pool Leagues Tuesdays - Darts League (see p 21 for venues, free food for players) Fridays - Dick’s Office open darts night from 7.30pm - Bar-B-Q party every week at Le Velo Rouge, Khao Takiab - Green Lotus Bar & Restaurant, Soi 88 (Bonkai) 169 baht BBQ every fortnight - 12th Dec BBQ Pork Sundays - Scandic Bar, Cha Am, open darts evening from 7.30pm .

FREE return transport from Dick’s Office departs 7pm - please call 089 745 3992 (Anne) or 189 894 4310 (Mack) at least 3 hrs before to book transport

Hua Hin Golf Society

This week’s results: 24th February - Black Mountain 54 Entrants Group ‘A’ - 0-16 hcp - Stableford 28 players 1st Usko 37 pts 7 hcp, 2nd Jill Moore 36 pts 13 hcp, 3rd Kjell Herbertson 34 pts 13 hcp, 4th Wij 33 pts 11 hcp, 5th Pailin Humphrey 33 pts 14 hcp, 6th Mike Wilson 33 pts 14 hcp.

Group ‘B’ - 17-36 hcp - Stableford 26 Players 1st Berny Morgan 40 pts 22 hcp, 2nd Charlie (g) 40 pts 23 hcp, 3rd Andy Bayes 37 pts 22 hcp, 4th Paul Sandal 35 pts 18 hcp, 5th Thongmee 35 pts 24 hcp, 6th Terry Burge 34 pts 17 hcp.

Nearest the Pin No. 3 Alain de Rocker, No. 11 Paul Sandal 20th February Springfield 60 Entrants 15 tms 4 Ball Scramble 1st Rene Benard, Robert Baker, Berny Morgan, Roger Donaldson 57.1 net 4.9 Hcp, 2nd Pat Hillier, Gilbert, Hiang, Ernie 59.3 net 6.7 Hcp, 3rd Graeme Pearson, John, Jimmy Gilmour, Peter Bourne 59.3 net 6.7 Hcp, 4th David Baird, Kurt (Kurre), Bill C. Rob 59.4 net 7.6 Hcp, 5th Mike, Chris Davidson, Per, Dickie Bird 60.5 net 4.5 Hcp, 6th Paul Sandal, Simon Rouse, Peter Tucker, Wij 60.6 net 4.4 Hcp. Nearest the Pin No. 6 Lek Hawthorne, No. 17 Barry Moore Next week’s fixtures: Tuesday 3rd March Majestic Creek Friday 6th March Black Mountain

Butterfly Rock Golf

This week’s results: February 20th 2009 Palm Hills Stableford 14 Players Front 9 - Craig Miller 22 pts, Back 9 - Deborah Rawlings 16 pts Overall - Craig Miller 34 pts February 23rd 2009 Lake View A&B Stableford 21 Players 1st Gary Ross - 36 pts, 2nd Barbara Anstee - 34 pts, 3rd Alan Rawson - 33 pts, 4th Bryan McLeod - 33 pts February 25th February 2009 Palm Hills Medal 17 Players 1st Alan Rawson 74, 2nd Craig Miller 75, 3rd Sven Wermelin 75, 4th Timo Ripatti 76 Forthcoming Fixtures Monday 2nd March Lake View Friday 6th March Palm Hills

Scoreboard

(EPL unless stated) Saturday, 21 February 2009 Arsenal 0-0 Sunderland Aston Villa 0-1 Chelsea Bolton 2-1 West Ham Man Utd 2-1 Blackburn Middlesbrough 0-0 Wigan Stoke 2-2 Portsmouth Sunday, 22 February 2009 Fulham 2-0 West Brom Liverpool 1-1 Man City Newcastle 0-0 Everton Monday, 23 February 2009 Hull 1-2 Tottenham Tuesday, 24 February 2009 UEFA Champions League Arsenal 1-0 Roma Atletico Madrid 2-2 FC Porto Inter Milan 0-0 Man Utd Lyon 1-1 Barcelona FA Cup 5th round replays Coventry 1-0 Blackburn Fulham 2-1 Swansea Wednesday, 25 February 2009 UEFA Champions League Chelsea 1-0 Juventus Real Madrid 0-1 Liverpool Sporting Lisbon 0-5 Bayern Munich Villarreal 1-1 Panathinaikos FA Cup 5th round replay Middlesbrough 2-0 West Ham FA Cup 6th-round draw Coventry City v Chelsea Fulham v Manchester United Arsenal/Burnley v Sheff. Utd/Hull Everton v Middlesbrough Ties to be played on 7/8 March

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From fixed term value packages to tailor made custom ones - just email us on awol@huahinmedia.com or call us on 081 649 8361 for more information

EPL Fixtures Preview (All times Thailand) Saturday, 28 February 2009 Everton v West Brom, 19:45 No Arteta but Everton still too strong. Home win.

Arsenal v Fulham, 22:00 Gunners struggling and Fulham improving, a surprise away win.

Chelsea v Wigan, 22:00 Despite the 10 point gap the Blues will still feel they are in the title race, and Hiddink seems to have settled them down. Home win.

M’brough v Liverpool, 22:00 ‘Boro need to start scoring if they have any chance of survival, but it seems unlikely against a misfiring Liverpool side. Away win.

Sunday, 01 March 2009 Hull v Blackburn, 19:30 Hull’s recent results have not been good and this one is crucial after defeat against Spurs. Expect a gritty and muscular Blackburn performance and an away win.

West Ham v Man City, 19:30 Unlucky to lose last week the Hammers are playing well. Should be entertaining. Home win.

Bolton v Newcastle, 20:00 Tough one to call but home advantage may just sneak it.

Aston Villa v Stoke, 22:00 Villa should tear Stoke apart in this one - could be 4 or 5-0.

Wednesday, 4 March 2009 Portsmouth v Chelsea, 02:45 Pompey were lucky to draw last week and this will be another convincing win for the away side.

West Brom v Arsenal, 02:45 However poor Arsenal’s form is

brought to you by huahinsport.com Barclays Premier League Table Home Away Team P W D L F A W D L F A GD PTS 1 Man Utd 26 12 1 0 30 5 7 4 2 16 6 35 62 2 Liverpool 26 7 6 0 20 8 8 4 1 23 10 25 55 3 Chelsea 26 6 5 2 21 7 9 2 2 24 8 30 52 4 Aston Villa 26 5 6 2 18 13 10 0 3 22 12 15 51 5 Arsenal 26 7 4 2 18 11 5 5 3 20 14 13 45 6 Everton 26 4 5 4 18 16 7 3 3 16 12 6 41 7 Wigan 26 6 4 3 13 11 3 4 6 13 13 2 35 8 Fulham 25 8 3 1 21 9 0 6 7 3 13 2 33 9 West Ham 26 6 1 6 18 17 3 5 5 14 17 -2 33 10 Man City 26 8 0 5 28 12 1 5 7 15 23 8 32 11 Sunderland 26 5 2 6 15 15 3 5 5 12 18 -6 31 12 Bolton 26 5 2 6 13 15 4 1 8 16 23 -9 30 13 Hull 26 3 3 7 14 27 4 5 4 18 21 -16 29 14 Tottenham 26 4 5 4 11 9 3 2 8 17 23 -4 28 15 Newcastle 26 4 6 3 19 20 2 4 7 14 22 -9 28 16 Portsmouth 26 5 2 6 18 21 2 5 6 11 22 -14 28 17 Stoke 26 6 4 3 15 13 0 3 10 8 29 -19 25 18 Blackburn 25 3 4 6 15 21 2 4 6 13 21 -14 23 19 M’brough 26 3 6 4 10 15 2 2 9 8 21 -18 23 20 West Brom 26 5 2 6 18 24 1 2 10 6 25 -25 22

they surely can’t lose to the bottom club - can they? Yes they can!

Liverpool v Sunderland, 03:00 Expect another battling defensive display from the Black Cats and a narrow win for the Reds.

Thursday, 5 March 2009 Man City v Aston Villa, 02:45 Villa’s away form is exceptional and one thing is almost certain this won’t be a draw! Away win.

Newcastle v Man Utd, 02:45 The Toon have a habit of upsetting United and this will be a draw.

Stoke v Bolton, 02:45 Stoke are relying on their home

Dara’s Bar & Restaurant Great European & Thai Food Sunday Roasts Free Pool - Free WiFi Wi Lai Salon next door

Open 12 noon - late

Turn right off Soi 102 going to Immigration, 1.5 km from Phetkasem Rd.

SOI 102

Large rooms for rent

Dara’s

PHETKASEM ROAD

Located on Soi 102 (see map) Contact Noi on 087 059 8615

form to survive and need to win this. We think they will.

Wigan v West Ham, 02:45 Another clash of Europe aspiring teams that is likely to be a draw.

Blackburn v Everton, 03:00 A bruising encounterbetween two teams battling at opposite ends of the table. Away win.

Fulham v Hull, 03:00 Resurgent Fulham to continue their impressive home run.

Tottenham v M’brough, 03:00 Spurs surely can’t lose to a poor ‘Boro side can they? No they can’t!

Home win.

ERIKSSONs WÄRDSHUS

Dans Varie Tisdag 19.00

Soi 74 Hua Hin Tomas Tel. 089 813 5332

Pence

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

STANFORD ‘COULD BE ANYWHERE’ ADMITS FBI 6 foot tall Texan cricket lover not easy to find TEXAS, USA SIR Allen Stanford, the six foot four Texan with an obsessive love of cricket, could be impossible to find, the FBI admitted last night.

The businessman has vanished without a trace leaving thousands of investors worried for their futures and wondering why yet another Texan billionaire was so interested in cricket anyway.

An FBI spokesman said: “It’s needle in a haystick time. We will of course be searching all over the West Indies, central America and even the tiny islands of the South Pacific, but let’s be honest these places are already crawling with gigantic Texan cricket fans.

“He may try to assume a new identity, but if our undercover agents come across someone we think might be Stanford we’ll engage him in a conversation about barbeques,

guns and cricket but then make some really crass mistakes about the rules of the game in a bid to flush him out.

“If you are sitting at a bar and you hear a large man talking in a thick Texan drawl about silly-mid off, googlies and the bowling-style of someone called Curtly Ambrose, then please let us know so we can eliminate him from our inquiries.”

The spokesman added: “We’re also asking port authorities throughout the Carribbean and the Gulf of Mexico to notify us immediately if a huge, cricket bat-shaped submarine surfaces within their jurisdiction.”

Meanwhile the England and Wales Cricket Board has admitted errors of judgement in its relationship with Stanford and is now desperately seeking a new unscrupulous millionaire to defile the national

Sir Allen Stanford looking the epitome of smarmy game.

An ECB spokesman said: “When does Conrad Black get out of jail?”

Carling Cup Final Preview Sunday, 01 March 2009

Man Utd v Tottenham, 22:00 (Thai time) At time of writing it is unclear whether this will be shown on Thai TV, however it was last year so hopefully it will this as it is likley to be an end to end entertaining match. On current form no one can touch Manchester United, who seem to be imperiously heading towards the Premier League title, along with at least one other trophy, possibly more. Spurs on the other hand have been inconsistent and are still very much involved at the other end of the table. However they have considerable pedigree in this competition and are generally a ‘Cup side’, and are the current holders of the trophy having beaten Chelsea last year. United are unlikely to field their first choice team, with starts expected for midfielder Darren Gibson and veteran Gary Neville, while Spurs do not have Carlo Cudicini available as he is cup tied, so Heurelho Gomes will take his place in goal. This will be a lot tighter than current form and league position suggests, and we predict that it will go to extra time and penalties, with Manchester United coming out on top eventually.

Dick’s Office

Bar/restaurant open daily Best Sunday Roasts, extensive menu, good music, pool & darts competitions, big screen projector showing live sports, quiz nights, parties and more!

Located on Soi 80 (Sarawat) Tel: 089-046 9505, 085-930 7232 email: huahindick@hotmail.com

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