ANNA ZHENG
TO T H E O N E S W H O ’ V E PAV E D WAY S F O R F U T U R E G E N E R AT I O N S TO MY RIDE-OR-DIES
DEDICATE
I AM FOREVER INDEBTED TO THE ONES WHO BIRTHED ME.
TO BÀBA: I SEE YOU IN ME. YOU ARE STUBBORN WITH VEINS OF A U D A C I T Y, B L O O D O F C R E A T I V I T Y.
TO MĀMA: I SEE YOU IN ME. I LEARNED TO WEAR MY TENDER HEART O N S L E E V E S O F C O M PA S S I O N .
TO FRIENDS, MENTORS, EDITORS, SUPPORT NETWORKS: EFFERVESCENT MOMENTS (FLEETING OR ENDLESS) R E M A I N E N G R AV E D O N T H E WA L L S O F M Y H E A R T. T H A N K YO U F O R P R O V I D I N G S PA C E F O R O U R R E L AT I O N S H I P S TO G R O W S E P A R A T E LY / / T O G E T H E R . I LOV E YO U. T R U LY.
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PA R T O N E : FOLD O U R S E LV E S INSIDE O U T.
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TENDERNESS HARD
PA S S I N G E N E R G I E S U S E D TO C A L L M E “CRYBABY CHINK” B U T L I T T L E D O T H E Y K N O W T H AT TEARS RELEASE TENSION FROM OUR SPIRITUAL DAMS, G I V E U S S T R E N G T H TO B U I L D PA L A C E S , GRANT US POWER TO SHAPESHIFT INTO WHISPERS OF WISDOM. W E L C O M E T O A WORLD WHERE THE S A LT C R Y S TA L L I Z E S I N T O T H E W A L L S O F O U R S A N C T U A R I E S .
WILL YOU RULE THE WORLD W I T H E M PAT H Y W I T H M E ?
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L S E
AS SOUNDS ESCAPE FROM THE LIPS, MY ENGLISH SWIMS IN LAKES OF ABANDONED MOTHER TO N G U E S . F O R T H E S A K E O F A S S I M I L AT I O N , I D E S T R OY E D VA R I O U S WAV E S O F TO N E S A N D P I TC H E S F O R A F L AT - L I N E / / F O R A M I D W E S T E R N A C C E N T. I TA L K T H R O U G H L I M B O S O F I N S E C U R I T I E S B E C AU S E TO TA L K , I F E E L E V E RY I N H A L E , E V E RY E X H A L E , E V E R Y P A U S E , E V E R Y “ U M ,” E V E R Y “ L I K E ,” E V E R Y P U L S E . I ERUPT INTO NERVOUS TICKS LIKE THE T WIRLING OF HAIR AND THE TREMBLING OF TOES BECAUSE TO TA L K M E A N S TO T R A N S L AT E M I N D - T H O U G H T S FROM MIND-WORLDS INTO THE CREEKS OF S P E A K - I N G. BUT TO WRITE. TO CONTROL. TO PUSH BOUNDARIES. TO DESTROY ASSUMPTIONS. I AM THE WITNESS TO MY FREQUENCIES AND THE C R E ATO R O F M Y N A R R AT I V E S . T O W R I T E : T O C O N S C I O U S LY T A K E S P A C E . TO WRITE: TO RECOGNIZE MY WORTH. WHEN I WRITE, I AM FREE. L I B E R AT E D F R O M T H E R E S T R A I N T S O F P R O M OT I O N A L PA C K A G E S T H AT P O I N T TO E M P T Y W O R D S L I K E “ D I V E R S I T Y.”
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SURVIVOR
Y E S T E R D A Y, I W O K E U P TA N G L E D I N T H E S E A M S O F M Y C H I L D H O O D B E D, D R E N C H E D I N T H E S W E AT O F D I S E M B O D I E D W O R D S T H AT S L I C E D M Y S K I N . I BECAME A BROKEN PUZZLE. Y E S T E R D A Y, I Y E A R N E D F O R H A P P I N E S S , C O N T E N T M E N T, S E L F - F U L F I L L M E N T SO I FREEDOM PULLED ACID AND LET THE BURN SEAR THROUGH MY RIBS, P E R M I T T I N G E V E R Y P O R E TO B E C O M E A PA R T I C L E O F S PA C E . I BECAME WHOLE. T O D A Y, I P R O U D LY S A Y, “I WILL DROWN IN MY B LO O D OV E R OV E R OV E R B E F O R E I B I T E M Y T O N G U E A G A I N .”
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PA R T T W O : EXPOSE THE RUINS OF HEART // MIND A L I G N M E N T. I P R AY F O R O U R C L A R I T Y.
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MIND-THOUGHTS (MY) UNTANGLE
TRAUMA CONGEALS OUR BODIES WITH GRIEVING WOUNDS UNTIL THE INFECTION S P R E A D S TO O U R T H R O AT S . TRAUMA: ANGUISH. A L I N E A G E O F S I C K N E S S B I R T H S PA I N , BORN OUT OF THE WOMBS OF HOPEFUL AMERICAN DREAMS T H AT C U R D L E O U R B LO O D, CARRYING HEART DISEASE F R O M O N E G E N E R AT I O N TO T H E N E X T. IT GLUES ITSELF TO OUR HISTORIES LIKE UNINVITED STRANGERS TOUCHING THE SMALLS OF OUR BACKS LACED WITH SECRETIVE SMILES WHERE OUR NO IS SEEN AS YES. A N D I’D A P O LO G I Z E, B U T T R A U M A A N D I A R E A W H O L E PA C K A G E ‘ C A U S E T R A U M A S L E E P S S I L E N T LY B E T W E E N U S I N T E R T W I N E D B E T W E E N T H E S PA C E S O F O U R FINGERS. IT LIVES IN THE H O L LOW S O F O U R LU N G S, INHALING // EXHALING THE SMOKE OF OUR VICES, AND IF IT’S TOO MUCH FOR YOU, I WON’T EXCUSE ITS EXISTENCE FROM THE ROOTS OF OUR BEINGS.
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MIND-THOUGHTS (MY)
DESPITE THE RESTRAINTS OF SUFFERING.
UNTANGLE
WE WILL NOT D E N Y O U R S E LV E S T H E HONESTY OF HEALING AND THE G R O W I N G PA I N S O F S E L F - A C C E P TA N C E . AND HERE’S THE REALITY IN A WORLD OF A D V E R S I T Y, MY H E A RT B LO O M S C H RYS A N T H E M UM. MY VO C A L CO R D S F LO U R I S H I N F O R G E T M E N OTS. M Y B O D Y R E J U V E N AT E S I N M A G N O L I A S
DO NOT NAIL US TO CEILINGS F O R D I S P L A Y. O U R F LOW E R S A R E N OT F O R YO U TO C O N S U M E .
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TREPIDATION
IN THE BRISK WINTER BREEZE, YOU’RE THE SHADE BETWEEN OLIVE AND EMERALD WHO WHISPERS SWEET-NOTHINGS IN MY EAR. YOU’RE E N - C H A N T I N G. AND ME: I AM HELLFIRES OF AMBER AND BURNT SIENNA, TOUGHENED BY THE CRACKED MEMORIES OF TRAUMA E N G R AV E D W I T H CO N T R A D I C T I O N S . AND YOU. YES, YOU — I’LL GIVE YOU HALF A YEAR. SIX MONTHS BEFORE T H E A D O R AT I O N W I L L FA D E O U T O F YO U R E Y E S AND EVERY THING ABOUT ME WILL TIRE YOU UNTIL “I LOV E YO U” B E CO M E S A CONDITIONAL BARGAIN TETHERED TO THE ROPES OF OUR HEARTS. WE WILL END AND BUILD A HOME IN A CHAMBER OF ECHOES. WE WILL END E T E R N A L LY W H I S P E R I N G T H E W O R D “ S T A Y. ”
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SILENCE IS LIKE A GLASS CAGE PROHIBITING US FROM THE DOWNPOUR OF THE DIVINE. I F B L U E T O M A S C U L I N I T Y A N D R E D T O F E M I N I N I T Y, I A M U N WAV E R I N G P U R P L E . R E I G N I N G A S P R O J E C TO R O F RAINBOW LIGHTS, I SIT WITH SHEETS OF GLITTER AND SPECKLES OF MEMORIES OF YOU AND OF ME. M E M O R I E S O F M E O F M E O F M E QUEERNESS MOVES FROM MY HEART TO THE ENDS OF MY F I N G E RT I P S, R U S H I N G T H R O U G H MY V E I N S, WA S H I N G I N TO THE SEAS OF EXHALING LUNGS. AND I’LL SNIPCUTSNIPSNIP UNTIL MEMORIES OF YOU BECOME A CHOPPY MESS OF A SEA, WA D I N G T H R O U G H T H E D E N S E S A N D, T R A I L S O F S P L I T E N D S F A L L I N G G R A C E F U L LY O N T O T H E B A T H R O O M F L O O R . I S N I P C U T S N I P S N I P U N T I L I A M N E W, N E W E R , B R A N D N E W. U N T I L I A M L I G H T E N E D B Y T H E S U N R I S E O F G L O R Y DAY S W H E R E YO U A N D I W E R E S P E C K L E S , CO N N E C T E D B Y T H E S M A L L TO W N LO V E T H AT S AT I AT E D O U R T H I R S T F O R I N T I M A C Y. MEMORIES OF US: I BROKE MY HEART BY DROWNING IN D E N I A L A N D LO C K I N G T H E G AT E S TO G E N D E R L E S S LO V E . S O I S N ATC H A PA I R O F S C I S S O R S A N D T E L L M Y F R I E N D TO “EXPERIMENT” LIKE I DID IN MY CHILDHOOD HOME — 13
P R E S S I N G M Y L I P S O N H E R L I P S A S A D A R E — O N LY A D A R E — B LO C K I N G O U T T H E J OY O F S O F T K I S S E S, B LO C K I N G O U T T H E J O Y O F A D O L E S C E N T F E M I N I N I T Y. “EXPERIMENT” ON ME UNTIL I AM DRIED TO THE ROOTS OF S TA R VAT I O N , I M P R I S O N E D TO T H E C AV I T Y O F “ S C I E N C E ” A S A S P E C TAC L E U N D E R A M AG N I F Y I N G G L A S S. “E X P E R I M E N T ” O N ME. UNTIL I AM CONDITIONED TO JUSTIFYING THE KILLINGS OF FLUIDITIES. I MUST SNIPCUTSNIPSNIP : A COMING OUT // A REBIRTH // A L I B E R AT I O N . I ’ M S O R R Y T H AT O U R H E A R T B R E A K S W E R E C O L L AT E R A L D A M A G E TO T H E S H AT T E R I N G O F T H E G L A S S C A G E . I AM THE DOWNPOUR. TOGETHER, WE WERE THE DIVINE.
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GASLIGHT
I G R E W, G R E W, G R E W UNTIL THE LIGHT BURST AND STRIPPED ME OF LUMINESCENCE. T H E N I M E TA M O R P H O S E D I N TO A N EMPTY VESSEL IN THE DEAD OF WINTER, WATC H I N G B O D I E S S A I L I N TO T H E S E A O F A P PA R I T I O N A L H A N D S CURLING, TOSSING, FIGHTING F O R B LO O D. I E X P LO D E D I N TO S PA R K S O F R A G E A N D L E A R N E D TO L E AV E P E O P L E W H O S K I N M Y G R AT I T U D E A N D TO S S I T I N TO T H E WAV E S O F THIRST AND VIOLENCE.
DO NOT LET THEM STEAL YOUR TENDERNESS TO THEN USE IT AGAINST YOU.
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PA R T T H R E E : PROTECT HEARTS T H AT C O O U S BACK TO LIFE.
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DEFEAT
TO THE BOY WHO WISHED HIS W H I T E N E S S AWAY B E C AU S E M O S T O F H I S FRIENDS ARE ASIAN: ARE YOU WILLING TO FRACTURE YOUR WRISTS? DEMOLISH YOUR STOMACH? BREAK YOUR BODY? BURN YOUR SKIN? J U S T A S I ’ V E S E E N M Y PA R E N T S D O TO B E LO N G I N A C I T Y T H AT S H A M E S T H E I R Y E L LO W - S K I N N E D ACCENTS? I O N C E S P O K E TO A B OY W H O WA N T E D TO STRIP HIS BODY OF WHITENESS A N D R E P L A C E I T W I T H Y E L L O W. I F O N LY I C O U L D W A L K A R O U N D T H E W O R L D W I T H S E L F - I M P O S E D B O T T L E S O F B O D Y P A I N T, BUT I REFUSE TO LET MY ANCESTORS BE DAMNED TO D E AT H .
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AFFECT
W E ’ R E U N D E R N E AT H A R A I N S TO R M WITH TEARS TRICKLING DOWN AND FORMING POOLS OF SACRIFICED DREAMS. YOU ASK ME, “ I F A R T I C U L AT E D B O U N D A R I E S A R E L I N E S W E S H A L L N OT PA S S , T H E N W H A T I S THE LANGUAGE OF BOUNDARIES?” W E ’ R E U N D E R N E AT H A R A I N S TO R M P U L S AT I N G , P U L S AT I N G , P U L S AT I N G TO T H E CO LO R S O F O C H E R A N D R O S E, N E G O T I AT I N G T H E E M B O D I E D V I S C E R A OF UNFULFILLED EMOTIONS. I TELL YOU, “LANGUAGE IMPRISONS US TO LABELS, OBJECTIVES AND C A T E G O R I E S T H AT C A N N O T E X P L A I N T H E W A Y O U R B O D I E S F L O W.” Y O U A S K M E T O C L A R I F Y, AND I TELL YOU: “I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO A R T I C U L A T E T H E I N T I M A T E F R E Q U E N C I E S F L I C K E R I N G I N M Y NIGHT SKIES OF P E R I W I N K L E A N D L AV E N D E R .
I D O N O T K N O W. I D O N O T K N O W, B U T I F E E L .”
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WARRIORS— GODDESS
O U R B O D I E S V I B R AT E I N CO LO R S O F VA R I O U S I N T E N S I T I E S , S AT U R AT I O N S , H U E S . SOME WILL STRIP OUR BODIES AND R U N AWAY W I T H O U R S AC R E D N E S S . W E M A Y C R Y. W E M AY S T I L L LO V E T H E M . BUT REMEMBER, WE ARE MORE. WE ARE MORE.
TO
YOU,
T R A V E R S E T R A D I T I O N A L I T Y.
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AM I WHO
I A M C R E AT I N G . I AM LEARNING. I AM GROWING. I AM T H E B L E N D O F L AV E N D E R A N D P E R I W I N K L E . SENSITIVE TO ENERGIES. L O N G - W I N D E D Y E T H O N E S T. R I S K Y Y E T C A LC U L AT E D. U N C E R TA I N Y E T S E L F - AWA R E . U N D E R S T A N D I N G Y E T I M P A T I E N T. I AM U N A P O LO G E T I C. EMOTIONAL. O V E R - I N V E S T E D. AMBITIOUS. WILLFUL. SPIRITUAL. QUEER. I A M D I S C O V E R I N G M Y S E L F. WHO ARE YOU?
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YOU THANK
THANK YOU FOR WITNESSING ME. E T E R N A L LY G R A T E F U L F O R T H E F O L K S W H O H A V E B E E N A PA R T O F M Y W R I T E / / R E - W R I T E P R O C E S S . A R T I S T S , W R I T E R S , C R E AT I V E S F R O M A L L WA L K S OF EARTH: A L E X R O B I N S O N A N N A S I L B E R M A N J A I D Y A N N E P O D S O B I N S K I K S H Y A M A L U I S L O P E Z S A L G O L D B L A T T FOREVER INDEBTED TO MY LIFELINES // MY RIDEO R - D I E S F O R S AV I N G M Y L I F E M U LT I P L E T I M E S (TO LIST A FEW): A V E R Y M I L L E R B R E N N A T W O B E A R S D A N I E L L E H I R A N O D R E W S C H O E N B O R N E M M A R U S T G A B B Y C H A N K E N D R A D O T Y 1 0 0 0 % A P P R E C I AT I V E TO F O L K S I N M Y L I F E W H O TA U G H T M E TO R E C L A I M S PA C E : F U N M I O K E Y U N L E H E L E N K I M H E A T H E R H A Y E S K A Z I J O S H U A K R I S T E N K O S M A S T H A N K YO U TO T H E DAV I D N O R D AWA R D A N D VA R I R O B I N S O N F O R MA K I N G E M B O D I E D V I S C E R A HAPPEN. 21
US
ANNA ZHENG W R I T E R / / C R E ATO R / / A C T I VATO R
ABOUT
THEY WRITE PIECES ADDRESSING THE INTERSECTIONS OF IDENTITIES. AS A QUEER, F I R S T - G E N E R AT I O N A M E R I C A N A N D G E N D E R F LU I D INDIVIDUAL, THEY FIND SPOKEN WORD AND P O E T R Y A S C AT H A R T I C R E L E A S E . A S A S U R V I V O R OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, THEY GROUND THEIR WO R K I N T H E I R ( LO S T ) VO I C E. T H E I R G E N D E R S T U D I E S D E G R E E I N F O R M S T H E I R A R T. F O L LOW T H E M O N I N S TAG R A M @ LOV E_A N N G.
EMMA RUST COMMISSIONED ARTIST T H E Y C R E AT E A R T T H AT S P E A K S TO T H E EXPERIENCE OF HURTING AND HEALING FROM TRAUMA. THEIR WORK AIMS TO GIVE THE VIEWER P E R M I S S I O N TO F E E L R AW E M O T I O N S T H AT S P U R F R O M S E E I N G OT H E R S I N PA I N , A N D A L S O C U LT I VAT E V I C A R I O U S F E E L I N G S O F C AT H A R S I S A N D R E C L A M AT I O N . T H R O U G H T H E I R I M A G E S O F R E S I L I E N T B U T W E AT H E R E D P O R T R A I T S O F T H E M S E LV E S , T H E Y S H O W T H E V I E W E R T H E I M P O R TA N C E O F H O N O R I N G T H E H E AV I N E S S A N D H U R T O F PA S T E X P E R I E N C E S T H R O U G H V U L N E R A B I L I T Y, H O N E S T Y, A N G E R , A N D S E L F LOV E. F O L LOW T H E M O N I N S TAG R A M @ E M M A_R U S T_
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