We have no idea what we are doing But seriously halp plz
77 Square Miles Surrounded by Insanity
BRO RYAN’S BADGERS SHOOT 10% IN BEER PONG GAME, LOSE TO IOWA
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Bruesewitz: I liked the shots we were getting.
Simple, tasty recipes Bumpin’ & Grindin’ Incomplete campus coverage since 1892 1995 dirtybird.wisc.edu
April Fools Day, 2012
Influential blog decides influential county race by Sir Kelloggs Rumple IV THE DIRTY BIRD
In a shocking change of heart, a sort-of-but-not-really-influential campus blog announced their endorsement of University of Wisconsin sophomore Leland Pan for the Dane County Board’s District 5 seat. Contributors to North Park Street, a collaborative blog about UW-Madison politics with bureaux in St. Louis and San Francisco, said they decided to endorse Pan because his controversial statements validate their libertarian beliefs that anyone should be able to say the craziest shit they want to say. “We decided, as libertarians, that it would be best to endorse Leland since he has the First Amendment right to slander any political figure
he wants,” North Park Street cofounder Kurt Gosselin told The Dirty Bird.“Despite his opposition to the New Badger Partnership, Leland is a perfect example of how UW-Madison students embrace libertarian ideals.” In North Park Street’s comments section, a particularly critical badger anonymously spurned the bloggers’ decision. “I mean HOW can you do this to (District 5 candidate John Magnino)?” the anonymous commenter asked.“I can’t read you guys anymore because of this.You’ll just have to shut the comments section down now since I’m the only person who says anything.” Pan was not available for comment because he was too busy apologizing to every county and city employee for insulting them on Facebook.
BABE THE BIG BLUE OX/THE DIRTY BIRD
Dazed and bewildered, the representative stumbled around the rotunda, frightening several tours of school children.
Brett Hulsey: ‘It was all a dream!’ by Stubbs McWolfgram THE DIRTY BIRD
AESOP BREWSTER/ASM
Each room in Witte will be furnished with a spindle and army cot.
Ward to convert Witte Hall into apparel sweatshop by Carl Golden THE DIRTY BIRD
University of Wisconsin Chancellor David Ward announced plans last night to convert the largest residence hall on campus into a jersey-sewing factory. According to the plan, Witte Hall would be repurposed as a factory that makes uniforms for UW’s many athletic teams. The sweatshop, dubbed UW-Jerseyzone, will rely primarily on freshmen labor. “We’re really tired of going through all these apparel companies,”Ward said. “So we thought hey, why not cut out the middleman?” University Housing worked with together with Ward to develop the plan. Much debate centered over whether the current Witte building would need to be completely torn down in order to distinguish the new sweatshop from Sellery Hall, which will remain a student dorm.
Ward dismissed the idea, saying “Sellery is a shithole anyway.” Rep. Steve Nass, R-Whitewater, praised the decision. “Finally, UW comes to its senses and comes up with something I can get behind,” Nass said. “This will present a great opportunity for incoming students to get a year of hard work under their belts.” Students were skeptical of the decision, however. UW junior Steve Holt was concerned the move would decrease the amount of students applying to UW. “I mean, I’m not saying I would’ve gone to Minnesota or anything, but this sweatshop thing runs of the risk of UW becoming a safety school,” Holt said. Student Labor Action Coalition members could not be reached for comment, as they were in the middle of a drum circle marathon at Electric Earth Cafe.
Awaking from what was described as “just some horrible, fiscal conservative dream,” Rep. Brett Hulsey, D-Madison, could be seen sprinting frantically around Capitol Square Wednesday under the impression the past year of legislative deadlock and political animosity was a creation of his own overactive subconscious. “It was awful,” Hulsey said, tears streaming from his eyes.“[Gov. Scott] Walker had strong-armed the unions and democracy as we know it was being destroyed! But now I see.”
Legislators close to Hulsey claim the representative had been prone to similar unfounded exclamations and delusions of grandeur throughout the last year, though his behavior was largely excused by long hours in the Assembly and stress. Exhibiting Jimmy Stewart-caliber enthusiasm, Hulsey circled the block repeatedly in little more than a matching Sierra Club robe and slippers set, seemingly oblivious of the increased Capitol Police presence that has become commonplace since protests dominated the block in February of last year. “Collective bargaining, Capitol!
Collective bargaining, M&I Bank! Collective bargaining, you wonderful homeless man with a vuvuzela!” Hulsey was reported to have shouted. Hulsey was retrieved by Assembly Minority Leader Peter Barca, D-Kenosha, hours later, who cradled the Assemblyman after he had tired himself out. Hulsey was reported to have fallen asleep as Barca rocked him back and forth, mumbling something about a yet-unidentified “Zuzu” and “John Doe.” As of press time, no members of the Legislature or press claimed to have the heart to tell him the reality of the situation.
GAB director found flailing naked in recall petitions by Ratty Vorpahl THE DIRTY BIRD
After tumultuous months of refereeing the Wisconsin recalls, Government Accountability Board Director Kevin Kennedy was found flailing naked in a pile of recall petitions, sources report. “VERIFY... VERIFY... VERIFY...” Kennedy howled in apparent delirium as threw his head back and rubbed several petitions to recall Gov. Scott Walker on his nipples. When asked how the verification process was going, Kennedy tore
some petitions into little bits and released fistfuls of petition confetti into the air before breaking into a fit of nervous giggles. On Monday, other members of the GAB found Kennedy in a fort he had built under the tables in the secret location petitions were being counted. His coworkers asked him to come out, but Kennedy only replied by chanting,“NONPARTISAN... NON-PARTISAN...NONPARTISAN.” Fellow GAB members said the stress and heckling from both sides of the political spectrum in Wisconsin have finally started
to show signs of mental-wear on Kennedy. “Yea, we’ve been concerned to say the least.Things started out small but harmless. We started to really worry when he began to start small fires in the office microwave, but he really peaked when he stripped off all his clothes and buried himself in sheaths of petitions,” said a fellow GAB worker. Police arrived and took Kennedy into protective custody, and reported they had recovered recall petitions intricately folded and cut to make voodoo dolls of each politician up for recall.