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Since 1892 (does anyone give a shit?) · host.madison.com/etc/daily-cardinal
April 1, 2015 (± a week)
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Frank the Tank signed on for ‘Transformers 5’
Kaminsky to bring basketball skills to big screen, catches Hollywood’s eye after Elite Eight game by Shia Labeouf Actual Cannibal
The nickname “Frank the Tank” has inspired Hollywood. UW senior forward Frank Kaminsky, who many call “Frank the Tank” for his talents as a sports human, has signed a deal with Paramount Pictures to play in “Transformers 5,” set to be released in summer 2016. Kaminsky said he has been
practicing really hard for the roll, especially during these past couple of games. “Whenever I can I just squeeze my muscles really hard to turn them into parts of a tank,” Kaminsky said. “It has been a good strength exercise.” The film, that was commissioned in 2014, will now have a plot change to incorporate Kaminsky’s basketball tricks.
“There is going to be this part on a basketball court where Frank is just shooting hoops and then there will be an alien invasion and BOOM he will transform into Frank the Tank, shoot a last three-pointer and then go off to save the world,” Producer Michael Bay said. UW head coach Bo Ryan said he is not surprised by Kaminsky’s affinity for the
dramatics. Kaminsky had a viral dancing video this academic year that really got him interested in being on screen outside of the court, Ryan said. “With those hips, those dunks and his really fierce ability to turn into a tank, Kaminsky is going to make waves in Hollywood,” Ryan said. An inside source said
Kaminsky looked into acting, and potentially being in “Transformers 5,” during the team’s trip to Los Angeles for the Elite Eight game. Kaminsky said he is most excited to hang out with Mark Wahlberg and Megan Fox. “I’m gonna take a page out of Nigel’s book and say, yeah, Megan Fox is really beautiful,” Kaminsky said.
Nice frat offended by all the bad Greek things: ‘had no idea’ by Bro Jared Sometimes reads the paper
For the record
Upon hearing of Chi Phi fraternity’s termination, members of Delta Gamma Epsilon put down their hammers and nails around the structures of the coffins they had been building. “But, like I don’t get it, why did they put the pledges inside the coffins??” Khaki Pants 1 asked. There’s no way it was hazing, fraternities don’t do that anymore, Vineyard Vines backwards cap said. They must have picked the same philanthropy cause as us and must not have known we’re supposed to deliver them to the funeral home next week. They must have just been testing them out, DGE president and chubbies extraordinaire
quickly agreed. After all, the purpose of fraternities is for members to tirelessly devote themselves to charitable services, they would never knowingly terrorize new brothers and future leaders of the world, he said. “But what about all the other weird things, like why did the kid get a concussion?” Khaki Pants 2 questioned. Naturally, they must have just been testing the durability of the coffins – to ensure they were making them the highest quality possible, the president said. Their testing proved they weren’t. They showed strong leadership and character by going the extra mile, and we should do the same, the president said as he climbed into a coffin whispering their motto, “Do Good Everyday.”
HOLY SHIT A BEACH
Over spring break, some Badgers probably went to a tropical destination like the one pictured in the highly saturated terribly dark photo above. +photo by flickr user texasfeel
The Dirty Bird is The Badger Herald’s annual April Fools issue. Since April 1 fell on spring break this year (thanks Obama) this issue will sit on stands from Monday, April 6 to Thursday, April 8. Love this issue? Find it online at badgerherald.com/dirty-bird Love satire? Check our pages every Thursday for content from our hilarious partner, The Madison Misnomer, or visit their website at madisonmisnomer.com Looking for Men’s Basketball coverage? We’ve got it! Read our game recap, analysis and column reactions to the Final Four on our website at badgerherald.com/ sports and make sure to pick up our season recap edition on Thursday.
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