2015 The Dirty Bird by The Badger Herald

A satirical publication by The Badger Herald

The belly of Vilas

Since 1892 (does anyone give a shit?) · host.madison.com/etc/daily-cardinal

April 1, 2015 (± a week)

TRANSFORMATION COMPLETE

Frank the Tank signed on for ‘Transformers 5’

Kaminsky to bring basketball skills to big screen, catches Hollywood’s eye after Elite Eight game by Shia Labeouf Actual Cannibal

The nickname “Frank the Tank” has inspired Hollywood. UW senior forward Frank Kaminsky, who many call “Frank the Tank” for his talents as a sports human, has signed a deal with Paramount Pictures to play in “Transformers 5,” set to be released in summer 2016. Kaminsky said he has been

practicing really hard for the roll, especially during these past couple of games. “Whenever I can I just squeeze my muscles really hard to turn them into parts of a tank,” Kaminsky said. “It has been a good strength exercise.” The film, that was commissioned in 2014, will now have a plot change to incorporate Kaminsky’s basketball tricks.

“There is going to be this part on a basketball court where Frank is just shooting hoops and then there will be an alien invasion and BOOM he will transform into Frank the Tank, shoot a last three-pointer and then go off to save the world,” Producer Michael Bay said. UW head coach Bo Ryan said he is not surprised by Kaminsky’s affinity for the

dramatics. Kaminsky had a viral dancing video this academic year that really got him interested in being on screen outside of the court, Ryan said. “With those hips, those dunks and his really fierce ability to turn into a tank, Kaminsky is going to make waves in Hollywood,” Ryan said. An inside source said

Kaminsky looked into acting, and potentially being in “Transformers 5,” during the team’s trip to Los Angeles for the Elite Eight game. Kaminsky said he is most excited to hang out with Mark Wahlberg and Megan Fox. “I’m gonna take a page out of Nigel’s book and say, yeah, Megan Fox is really beautiful,” Kaminsky said.

Nice frat offended by all the bad Greek things: ‘had no idea’ by Bro Jared Sometimes reads the paper

For the record

Upon hearing of Chi Phi fraternity’s termination, members of Delta Gamma Epsilon put down their hammers and nails around the structures of the coffins they had been building. “But, like I don’t get it, why did they put the pledges inside the coffins??” Khaki Pants 1 asked. There’s no way it was hazing, fraternities don’t do that anymore, Vineyard Vines backwards cap said. They must have picked the same philanthropy cause as us and must not have known we’re supposed to deliver them to the funeral home next week. They must have just been testing them out, DGE president and chubbies extraordinaire

quickly agreed. After all, the purpose of fraternities is for members to tirelessly devote themselves to charitable services, they would never knowingly terrorize new brothers and future leaders of the world, he said. “But what about all the other weird things, like why did the kid get a concussion?” Khaki Pants 2 questioned. Naturally, they must have just been testing the durability of the coffins – to ensure they were making them the highest quality possible, the president said. Their testing proved they weren’t. They showed strong leadership and character by going the extra mile, and we should do the same, the president said as he climbed into a coffin whispering their motto, “Do Good Everyday.”

HOLY SHIT A BEACH

Over spring break, some Badgers probably went to a tropical destination like the one pictured in the highly saturated terribly dark photo above. +photo by flickr user texasfeel

The Dirty Bird is The Badger Herald’s annual April Fools issue. Since April 1 fell on spring break this year (thanks Obama) this issue will sit on stands from Monday, April 6 to Thursday, April 8. Love this issue? Find it online at badgerherald.com/dirty-bird Love satire? Check our pages every Thursday for content from our hilarious partner, The Madison Misnomer, or visit their website at madisonmisnomer.com Looking for Men’s Basketball coverage? We’ve got it! Read our game recap, analysis and column reactions to the Final Four on our website at badgerherald.com/ sports and make sure to pick up our season recap edition on Thursday.

@BADGERHERALD · FACEBOOK.COM/BADGERHERALD

TIPS@BADGERHERALD.COM

almenikhiaka 2 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · April 6, 2015

Editor in Chief Cheef Keef Print Managing Editor Diet Coke

badgerherald.com/dirty-bird

Have your sex and eat it too.

You can’t spell Buffalo Wild Wings without s.e.x.

Print News Editors #breaking Print Campus Editors UWSTATEMENTSFOREVER Print City Editors Soglin v Resnick wut

BDub’s sauces and seasonings were the inspiration for this comprehensive guide to spicy sex acts

Print Sports Editors More points pls

BDubs is like a shrine to sex. It’s hot and steamy, people are screaming passionately and the sauce flows like the viscous outpouring of molten lava from a bursting volcano. Here, young sexescapader, is your ultimate sexual playground and the inspiration for these sex tips.

Print Opinion Editor MiddleEast articles only

Warning: extremely spicy suggestions ahead.

Print Copy Editors Baley Oxford Henchman

Salt and Vinegar Seasoning: Start off any kinky night with some light foreplay. Apply coarse grain sea salt to any erogenous zone or sexy part of the body, such as fingers, anuses or elbows. Then allow your partner(s) to lick it off slowly. Use vinegar on areas like the stomach and thighs. Warning: vinegar not only makes your breath stank, but also may burn the skin slightly so stick to your balsamic.

Print State Editors Walker4prez? Print Arts Editor fartz

Print Graphics Department Clip art Print Photo Department just make the photo darker

Web Director Not Applicable Digital Managing Editor Not Applicable Print News Editors Lorem Ipsum

Digital Campus Editors Not Applicable Digital City Editors Not Applicable Digital State Editors Not Applicable Digital Arts Editor Not Applicable Digital Sports Editors Not Applicable Digital Opinion Editor Not Applicable Digital Copy Editors Not Applicable Digital Graphics Department Not Applicable Digital Photo Department Not Applicable

For the record The Dirty Bird is The Badger Herald’s annual April Fools issue. Since April 1 fell on spring break this year (thanks Obama) this issue will sit on stands from Monday, April 6 to Thursday, April 8. Love this issue? Find it online at badgerherald.com/ dirty-bird Love satire? Check our pages every Thursday for content from our partner, The Madison Misnomer, or visit their website at madisonmisnomer.com Looking for Men’s Basketball coverage? We’ve got it! Read our game recap, analysis and column reactions to the Final Four on our website at badgerherald. com/sports and make sure to pick up our season recap edition on Thursday.

Sweet BBQ: Slowly dribble some tangy, sweet barbecue sauce down your chest and allow it to slowly make its way down to your genitals. Have your partner lick it up wherever it may land. Lemon Pepper Seasoning: Create a sour and spicy treat with the help of a partner’s semen. All you need is some jizz, the zest of two lemons and a dash of pepper. Combine ingredients with water and freeze overnight. During foreplay suck on the spicysweet jizzicle to really turn up the heat. Teriyaki: Coat your penis in some thick grade teriyaki sauce and allow your partner to lick and suck it

off slowly.* Mild: Order Bdubs to-go and incorporate the spicy wings, celery sticks and dipping sauces into your bedroom foreplay routine. We recommend eating your delicious meal naked and taking full advantage of the fact that celery is kind of a phallus. Parmesan Garlic: Much like a garlic, this sex position will put you in a twist. All you need is a super flexible body that can contort into a pretzel shape. All partners must get naked and cross their legs, then put their head through the whole and perform oral sex on their partner(s) in that position. Medium: Head on over to your closest Bdubs and ask your waiter or waitress to engage in a threesome. If they say yes, the rest is up to you. Chipotle BBQ Seasoning: Take some chipotle barbecue seasoning and rub it all over your body. Get in the shower and allow your partner to slowly rub the thick seasoning off of your body, heavy licking is encouraged. Honey BBQ: Role play: one partner is a beekeeper and the other is Bobby Flay circa Boy Meets Grill era, interact in whichever sweet and spicy way you desire. Buffalo Seasoning: Do it buffalo style. Much like doggy style this involves one partner on their hands and knees and the other to penetrating from behind. But this buffalo twist means both partners should be

wearing hairy buffalo costumes and grunt like wild buffalos. Spicy Garlic: Garlic is the enemy of Vampires, just ask Dracula. So instead of using garlic, you will act as garlic’s arch foe. Put on fake teeth and suck each other’s blood. Jammin’ Jalapeno: Play the Jammin’ Jalapeno sex game. Much like a drinking game, every time a player loses, the player must perform a sexual act with increasing spiciness level. We suggest putting on your favorite ‘80s punk and every time there is a mean bass slapping sesh, the two or three or four of you engage in a new hot sex move. For example first bass drop means a peck on the cheek, second means rubbing crunching peanut butter on your genitals. Asian Zing: Like Teriyaki 2.0, cover your penis in teriyaki sauce--but here comes the zinger-- then bread it in tempura flakes. Allow your partner to slowly lick and nibble at your tempura penis.* Desert Heat Seasoning: This act incorporates many positions. Crank up your thermostat to an ungodly temperature and go through as many positions in the kama sutra as you can. It’s like hot yoga, but with sex. Caribbean Jerk: Sing the entire Best of Bob Marley compilation album while having sex, you can’t stop having sex until you make it to the last track. Thai Curry: Like a spicy twist on “Lady in the

Tramp” get some spicy Thai curry noodles and place them different parts of the body including your mouth. Allow your partner to slurp up the noodles sensually. Hot BBQ: Fill a bath close to the brim tub with your finest Barbecue sauce. We recommend something really sticky. Slide into the tub with your mate to make sex. For extra hotness you can add some organic sex toys to the tub like zucchini and eggplants that can marinade in the sauce precoitus. Hot: Missionary gets a lot of flack for being so not hot. But there are a lot of ways to spice up the plain pose. For example feed your partner hot wings while you do it. The spicy treats will be like a spanking in your mouth. Or wear rollerblades, the lack of traction on your feet will make it a game to see how you can stay on top of each other without sliding off. Mango Habanero: This one is tricky but super hot. You and your partner should be completely naked except for a pair of rollerblades or inline skates. Try to stay balanced while 69ing and then get in a whichever stand position works best and have sex. Wild: Here is your opportunity to act out your wildest fantasies. Whether that includes rubbing yourself with Wild BDubs sauce or simply hanging upside down from a tree while you and your partner 69 in what Cosmopolitan calls The Sexy Tree Swing, you have a lot of creative liberty with this one. Make it wild. Blazin: Head over to your closest BDubs for a wild and saucy night of sex. We recommend taking on the bathroom for a playful, semi-private romp. But don’t forget your Blazin’ sauce and you know how the rest goes. * denotes a penis is required for this act

Mmmm, wings. PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR USER ABBAMOUSE

for science

April 6, 2015 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · 3

badgerherald.com/dirty-bird

Swim fishy swim: Six goldfish that look like Presidential Candidate Gov. Scott Walker. Ever wonder what Gov. Scott Walker’s spirit animal is? Look no further. Carassius auratus auratus, better known as the goldfish, embodies the oh-so-boring essence of Wisconsin’s governor.

4. ~bubbles bubbles brown bag lunch bubbles~

1. ~swim swim Wisco swim~

PHOTO COURTESY: THE BADGER HERALD FILE PHOTO, FLICKR USER BENSON KUA

2. ~blub blub right-to-work blub~

PHOTO COURTESY: THE BADGER HERALD FILE PHOTO, FLICKR USER BENSON KUA

5. ~gulp gulp Iowa gulp~

PHOTO COURTESY: THE BADGER HERALD FILE PHOTO, FLICKR USER CACTUSBEETROOT

PHOTO COURTESY: THE BADGER HERALD FILE PHOTO, FLICKR USER ANION

6. ~eat eat brown bag eat~

3. ~swish swish hot ham and rolls swish~

PHOTO COURTESY: THE BADGER HERALD FILE PHOTO, FLICKR USER BENSON KUA

Have your own science question? We suggest you google it.

WIN 7 PULITZER PRIZES!* Write for The Dirty Bird. * You probably won’t win a pulitzer prize.

This. is. The Dirty Bird.

news

4 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · April 6, 2015

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14 15 SEASON

Renowned. Renewed. Restored.

UKULELE ORCHESTRA OF GREAT BRITAIN UKES AND SONG IN CHARMING, COMEDIC, VIRTUOSIC CONCERT

CABARET @ THE CIRCLE MADISON MEN SING

FRI 4/24, 8PM

SAT 4/ 11, 8PM

PHOTO COURTESY: FLICKR USER MR SEB

JAY UNGAR AND MOLLY MASON

THE JACK QUARTET

SAT 4/25, 7:30PM

THURS 5/7, 8PM

CREATORS OF ASHOKAN FAREWELL

IN THE DARK STRING QUARTET NO. 3 BY GEORG FRIEDRICH HAAS

U N I O N T H E AT E R .W I S C . E D U | 6 0 8 . 2 6 5 . A R T S

These performances are supported in part by a grant from the Wisconsin Arts Board with funds from the State of Wisconsin and the National Endowment for the Arts.

Roommates deem post-party mess ‘not my problem’ by Mike Kegger Sophomore News Beat

Residents of a threebed, one-bath townhouse in the College Court apartment area or what’s

warmly referred to as the “sophomore slums” have been living in their own filth since all four of the roommates claim the post-rager destruction is not their problem. Hundreds of red solo cups sit slain across the living room while a sticky Tupperware bin that was once filled with wop now attracts legions of ants. The sliding glass patio door hangs from one hinge and a cool spring breeze wofts the stench of vomit into their abode because “that betch Megan” couldn’t make it one more foot and actually puke off the balcony. “I woke up and walked to the bathroom... there was an effing hole punched through the door, like, are you kidding me? That’s legit not coming out of my security deposit,” Zack,

“trying to get into the business school” said. Zack said he was not even “trynna get turnt, ok?” After studying for econ all Saturday afternoon, he just wanted to unwind, but his other roomie Trevor was the one who went “H.A.M” so there is “no way he is touching sh*t.” Both Zack and Trevor voiced concerns about the quanitity of money collected the previous night. “There were at least, like, 100 people here” Zack said, “But we only banked, like 50 bucks.” “That asshole John invited his entire fucking freshman floor and none of them bought cups. He should be the one cleaning this shit up.” When asked to comment, John responded only with, “F**ckin Christ, you are

being so loud right now. I’m so hung. Ryan why the hell is the f**cking light on, what time is it??? Also f**k off Zack, he was the one f**king chugging Burnett’s ya crazy f**k.” Ryan, who arrived to the party late with the aforementioned “Megan” who he swears is “just some girl he hooks up with, I’m not really looking for anything serious right now,” informed Trevor it was 2 p.m. and they need to clean because his parents are on their way to take him out for dinner. Trevor did not reply because had fallen back asleep. The last roommate, Brandon, went home for the weekend and was clearly not reponsible for any of this. Updates to come as more information is released.

spring courses START SOON

SORORITY PHOTO COURTESY FLICKR USER ARAZA123

create make .do ALSO OFFERED:

Open Studio - DIY Projects Free Events - Group/Party Hosting

Dean of Students Lori Berquam becomes sorority house mother by Joe Belecki Has a big head

Lori Berquam announced last week she would be stepping down from her position as University of Wisconsin Dean of Students in order to take over as house mother for Tau Iota Tau sorority. A house mother lives in the sorority house and is responsible for overseeing the girls, as well as maintaining the household. Previously known for her personal vendetta against Greek life, the former Dean of Students says she has turned over a new leaf and gotten in touch

with her inner “srat star.” “I’m so lucky to live with so many beautiful and successful women,” Berquam said of her new job. “They’re truly role models. I finally have the group of friends, sisters I’ve always wanted.” Berquam shared the news via Instagram, posting a photograph of her posing with the sorority girls outside the TIT house — throwing what they know — with the caption, “#blessed.” TIT President Tiffany Blonde and Vice President of Membership Ashley Dimm expressed their

excitement to have Berquam on board. “Lori is our girl!” Blonde and Dimm yelled, in unison. “We’re, like, so pumped Lori is our new house mom,” Blonde said. “We scheduled a wine night to celebrate with all the girls. It’s going to be super classy — no slap the bag here.” Berquam is scheduled to move into the TIT house next Wednesday. “We’ll probs play slap the bag,” Blonde added as she ran to the next door fraternity house for some Flabongos and Flip Cup.

news

April 6, 2015 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · 5

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Fresh Market pulls rotten bread off stands by Rachelle Butcher Quit Fresh

THE BADGER HERALD FILE PHOTO

Walker’s anti-union stance threatens Memorial Union‘s Terrace season by Joe Belecki Has a big head

Gov. Scott Walker looking to expand the scope of union legislation by eliminating Memorial Union Terrace season. With the recent passage of right-to-work and 2011 Act 10, Walker announced Monday he is interested in removing the popular terrace chairs at the Memorial Union. “This proposed bill will help remove distractions for people goofing off at the Union,” Walker said. “We need to get Wisconsin working again.” If this bill passes, people looking to enter the Union

must show photo ID and state a reason for being in the facility. Walker said another reason behind supporting this bill was to prevent people from needing to cross hazardous construction sites to enter the Union. The German phrases on the walls while working in the facility are also un-American, Walker noted. “The Union is a distraction for our Wisconsin workers,” Walker said. Walker has stood firm agains unions during his term in office. Many have attributed this to his potential presidential campaign. “His anti-union rhetoric is true conservatism, but many might see this as a step too far,”

UW political science professor Donald Sharpless said. Closing the Terrace, a popular beer-drinking and friedfood eating spot, will change Memorial Unions atmosphere, Union Facilities Director Mike McGee said. “Republicans like their beer and cheese curds too,” Sharpless said. “This might not be the best way to stand strong against unions.” An inside source close to Walker said Walker’s position on this issue is subject to change. It has not been decided whether the chairs at Union South will be added to this legislation.

Raccoon carcass found in Humanities building bathroom by Daisy Flowerchild Save the animals

The Humanities building is known for many things (read: being ugly and being nearly impossible to navigate). But underneath that ugly exterior, lay something even more sinister: seriously disgusting bathrooms. While the persistent, foul odor emanating from the bathrooms has perplexed experts and students alike for decades, a recent discovery may have finally answered the ever-present mystery of the foul odor. Yes, the rumors are true. A raccoon carcass was found in a

Humanities bathroom. When asked what she thought, freshman history major (who swore she used the bathrooms like every day and is therefore an impartial, expert source) had this to say, “Those bathrooms smelled like shit. But it was a bathroom so I just went with it. Sometimes bathrooms smell like shit, you know?” “It all makes sense now,” said Dr. Martha Jones, whose extensive research on the infamous Humanities bathroom smell has won her no awards. “We took all reasonable variables into account. What we didn’t plan for was a fucking

dead animal.” Preliminary findings indicated foul play was not a factor in the raccoon’s death. When contacted for a statement, the family had no comment … presumably because they’re raccoons. A source close to the raccoon’s family asked that their privacy be respected. The source also confirmed the raccoon in question was not a University of Wisconsin student and had no relation to UW Mascot Bucky Badger. The discovery led to the closure of the bathroom, leaving the building with a grand total of two bathrooms.

UW communications team leaves to open croissant shop by Molly Nate Thumbs

University of Wisconsin Chancellor Becky Blank is writing her own statements now after her entire communications team left to start a croissant shop. John Lucas, UW’s communications director, confirmed he and his team will pursue what he called “our lifelong dream.” “While we are passionate about the impact this university has, it doesn’t even come close to how we feel about croissants,” Lucas said. “Put simply, we love them.” Lucas said the plan

has been in the works for some time, as the team often ends up staying a few hours after Blank leaves to perfect their recipe, which he refused to disclose. The name for the shop, however, is still undecided. “You should see our whiteboard; it’s full of ideas for what we’ll call the place,” Lucas said. “I’m really pulling for ‘French-ass restaurant.’ We could have signs hanging up throughout the shop with the words ‘hurry up with my damn croissants’ placed on scenic images of state capitols.” The team’s exodus will

leave Blank writing her own statements, as well as posting everything on social media. “I was just starting to get the hang of Twitter,” Blank said. “Now I’m not sure who’ll be able to help me figure out Periscope.” Blank said she expects to release fewer statements highlighting the university’s work, noting that the Daily Cardinal will maybe have to call people for their stories now rather than use quotes from UW statements. “I don’t mind doing a bit more work,” Blank said. “I’m mostly concerned with how that will impact the folks who work out of Vilas.”

Fresh Market, known for being the freshest store for freshness has been caught in the middle of a massive scandal. It seems that the “freshness” of Fresh Market may not be living up to the freshest standards. It was recently discovered that Fresh Market’s “Fresh” brand bread, is not as fresh as advertised. In fact, Fresh Market has been selling rotten Fresh bread for months. The bread, which normally sells for the average $8.99 a loaf, was pulled from Fresh’s shelves last week after multiple customers questioned the bread’s freshness. “It’s such a disappointment,” freshman Phillip Freshfield said.” People come to Fresh Market expecting freshness not lies.” “Breadgate,” as some

have taken to calling it, has become one of the biggest scandals in Fresh Market’s history. The extent of this scandal rivals only that of Fresh’s 1994 scandal, “Princegate,” in which Fresh Market unlawfully used Will Smith’s Fresh Prince of Bel Air character in an advertising campaign. The store has been working tirelessly to rid its shelves of the rotten bread, according to store spokesperson, Brian Barilla said. “Princegate really took a toll on us as a company, since then we have taken many steps to assure the quality, integrity and, above all, freshness of everything we do,” Barilla said. “When our freshness is compromised, everything is compromised.” Barilla said Fresh bread should be back on shelves and up to the highest fresh standards by next week.

oops

6 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · April 6, 2015

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arts

April 6, 2015 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · 7

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Gordon Commons to serve ‘hazing food’ special by Carter McMurphy Talks politics, arts

After conducting a campus wide dining survey, University Housing will roll out some new specials due to popular demand from University of Wisconsin’s fraternities. With the school year coming to an end and another rushing season just around the corner, Gordon’s will serve a “Hazing Food” special in an effort to quality control the food concoctions inevitably fed to freshman frat pledges. The Dirty Bird got an exclusive look at the menu: ~ Appetizers ~ Extra Spicy Dip: A burnin’ hot concoction of sriracha, fermented dip saliva and guacamole served in a miniature coffin. “Not Cool Bro” chili: This blazing chili is the opposite of “cool” with its heavy dosage of hot sauce. Must eat in two minutes or 100 pushups.

From the arts desk: Iggy Azalea, Meet the Staff Monday by IGGY Not Azaelia Banks

Who dat, who dat? I-G-G-Y. “Whaddup Madtown, Don’t Frown and Get Down” is both my next single and salutation to readers on this “Meet the Staff Monday.” I am your new Arts Editor, world-famous rapstress -- I just made up that word, check it h8ers -- Iggy Azalea. First thing’s first, I’m the realest. I have decided to take a break from terrible haircuts and failing to be original to join this staff and share my cultural expertise. Who dat, who dat? It’s still me: I-G-G-Y. You may recognize

me from “Beef with LA to Toyko, namely Azalea Banks: The the ocean? I knew I had Twitter Rant,” a three- to bring my fre$h beats year expose on cultural to the Dairy State after I appropriation instigated heard Gov. Scott Walker by yours truly. This on- was a big fan -- my hit going piece began when “Work” served as the Banks “argued” there inspiration for his Rightwas “something wrong” to-Work law and we with calling myself a both suffer from Chronic runaway slave master. Droopy and Confused Obvi bitches be crazy Brown Eyes Syndrome. because I apologized, For the rest of you which means everything doubters, I point at you is fine and we should just because I never know throw some shrimp on what to do with my the barbie. Plus I won a hands and here is some People’s Choice Award, hot freestyle for y’all: in which I was endorsed “Cheese curds, I by democracy ITSELF, like birds, Humanities joining the ranks of bathroom smells like a 2015 winners like Adam turd.” ahgoiawhgeoifh Sandler and “The Big Sorry about that extra Bang Theory.” text, but it was from Now why Wisconsin dropping the mic after Northwestern SPS | 4.89” 10.5”insane | 02/15/15 - 03/03/15 you may ask, when I xthat verse. could be anywhere from Fancy Iggy out.

~ Entrés ~ Fratty Patty: Wisconsin ground beef hamburger -- shaped like the Vineyard Vines whale of course -- braised in the leftover Natty Light our fellow brothers weren’t force to drink. “No Homo” Fish Fry:

Summer Session

N O RT H W E S T E R N U N I V E R S I T Y

2 01 5

Enjoy fresh seafood rushing freshmen caught in their underwear with your favorite dudes. But like, that girl’s ass is hot as hell in those yoga pants, amirite?!?! Mystery Meal: For this dope secret concoction you must place a bag over your head and name at least five Victoria’s Secret angels.

~ Side orders ~ Salmon short order: In a rush? Grab this tasty snack to go. Served for the road in a used Sperry Topsider. Natural Ice: Looking for something cold and refreshing? Grab our natural

Registration opens APRIL 13 northwestern.edu/summer

ice! Chiseled out of lake Mendota, this ice is as natural as it gets. ~ Desserts ~ Nice Rack Ice Cream: Strawberry and anchovies ice cream served in a D-Cup bra.

G e t A h e a d . E x p l o re. E n j oy. NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY SUMMER SESSION

Chi Phi Blueberry Pie: A classic pastry baked with fresh tears.

V i s i t i n g s t u d e n t s c a n c h o o s e f ro m m o re t h a n 3 0 0 u n d e r g ra d u a t e c o u r s e s .

arts

8 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · April 6, 2015

BREAD HAM BREAD

A look into Scott Walker’s diet With the 2016 primaries still in the distance, Gov. Scott Walker is touting his union busting diet as a characteristic that sets him apart from his Republican contenders. Walker ’s diet, conforming to most conservative conceptions of manliness, currently consists of beef products, pork and wild game native to Wisconsin and shipped from the plains of Africa when the Koch brothers make their bimonthly hunting trip there. “My mother taught me that to grow up strong and to be the

bastion of modern conservatism, I needed to eat right,” Walker said. “I ask myself everyday: What would Reagan eat?” He said his parents always told him a steak a day keeps the heathens away. Scott Roberts, a political science professor at the University of Virginia, said Walker ’s all American diet is a good start to set him apart in primary season. However, he said Walker would be well served to include corn in his diet to prepare him for Iowa.

GET INTO SUMMER AT MARQUETTE.

Marquette University offers more than 1,000 options in our six-week accelerated summer studies program. Summer is a great time to take that really tough class or get into that popular class you really want to take. Best of all, you’ll be at Marquette during Milwaukee’s best season of the year, so you can enjoy Summerfest, the world’s largest music festival, and Brewers games or just hang out at the beach along Lake Michigan.

Hurry, classes fill fast! marquette.edu/summer

So many classes! The choice — c’est difficile.

Follow my adventures on: @FATHERMARQUETTE

opinion

April 6, 2015 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · 9

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From the desk of the editor: We’re going digital YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS: The Dirty Bird is going to be part of the information superhighway, click on this article to find out how by Mack Masey Editor in Chief Keef

Greetings, Internet! Or “Interwebz,” as they say.

Greetings, Internet!

Lolololol. As all of us here on planet Earth know it is 2015 and since the future is here, we have a v big announcement.

ICYMI, we’re going #digital! (insert moving picture here.) That’s right, we’re joining the World Wide Web with a new URL, IRL! Say bye Felicia to dusty old newspapers and ink and stuff. Fire up your wifi box and check out our Internet site. It is on fleek. So what does going #digital mean for us? Well you can expect more hashtags, more web browsers, more realtime live streaming media components, more scrolling, more chatrooms, more cyberbullying, more viruses, more interactivity# and certainly more clicking! You can pretty much click all the things. What is really cool is that you can click from any device or any location. 2015 is bomb af guys. We plan to have many #viral online media posts, but readers shouldn’t worry about

them being contagious bc you can’t catch a virus thru an Internet box (fact check pls). If you see a post that we made that you like, share it with your bae. Alright, we’re gonna get real w you bbs rn. tbh, we aren’t fully sure what going #digital rly means. We are aliens running this web log.

Aliens run this web site. We are aliens. Please help us understand how to run this online media site! Our #digital research so far has consisted of basic Wikipedia searches and looking at teens’ interactions on social media web sites. Pls, we need ur help in making us the best viral# media# outlet#.

As all of us here on planet Earth know it is 2015 and since the future is here, we have a v big announcement. ICYMI, we’re going #digital!

Thanks for reading :)

We are aliens.

The Dirty Bird Editorial Board’s feels on emojis

PHOTO BY R.J. LINK, SCENIC IMPRESSIONS

FROM THE COLLEGE DEMOCRATS:

Born on the UW campus in 1969 CAMPUS • DOWNTOWN NEAR EAST • NEAR WEST

Joining College Dems should be mandatory for for UW-Madison students

Across from Camp Randall Stadium

1614 Monroe Street

608-259-1500 MENU AND ONLINE ORDERING:

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by Kris Taylor Right-to-not-worker

In light of recent right-to-work legislation passed in Wisconsin, we the College Democrats are looking to take a stand on the university level. We propose an Associated Students of Madison resolution requiring all students to join College Democrats before enrolling. “The greatest freedom is actually having no freedom at all,” according to our College Democrats spokesperson. “Generally, people will not vote intelligently on their own, so we need to nudge them in the right direction.” Representatives from ASM passing the legislation have asserted this would not only indoctrinate future Democrat voters, but it would ensure a Democrat youth majority for years to come. But without it people will simply free ride on the great work our organization does. The resolution would require

students to attend weekly meetings which would host guest speakers like Mark Pocan and Tammy Baldwin. In addition to the mandatory attendance, students are required to pay dues, which start at $50 per semester. These dues provide a safety net for all. However, the good news for Democrat voters on campus does not end there. The resolution might even be funded by segregated fees as the SSFC proposed an amendment to the resolution offering College Democrats $30,000 for the 2015-16 school year. The only stipulation with the funds is that any leftover funds must be donated to either the Democratic Party of Wisconsin or any Ready for Hillary campaign. Similar resolutions like this have been tried in many universities with similar success. “What are we supposed to do in this era of right-to-work legislation, it’s not as if we can just come up with better policies. This is our best option,” our spokesperson said.

10 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · April 6, 2015

CONGRATS, BADGERS. On behalf of over 80,000 Delta employees, we want to congratulate the Wisconsin Badgers Men’s Basketball team, their fans and University of Wisconsin.

PROUD PARTNER OF WISCONSIN ATHLETICS

badgerherald.com/dirty-bird

sportz

April 6, 2015 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · 11

badgerherald.com/dirty-bird

Vulva-shaped fountain approved for outside Kohl Center By Eric Saturn Phallic News Reporter

University of Wisconsin’s Athletic Department approved the building of a 173-foot-tall bronze water fixture of a vulva in front of the Kohl Center Wednesday afternoon to complement the penis sculpture erected at Camp Randall. “We want our future Badgers to get excited about sports again, and what better way to attract more Badger fans than with a socially progressive Modern art piece that pays tribute to the female penis?” Barry Alvarez, Wisconsin’s athletic

director, said. “Here at Wisconsin, we take pride in the Wisconsin Idea, and we believe the best way to advocate for equal rights is with a massive statue of a pudendum. “It was the fair choice, considering the fact that we already have a phallus statue down yonder,” Alvarez said. The fountain, which will take more than eleven months to build, will be a “mixed media” art piece consisting of bronze for the vulva and pipe cleaners and wire bars for the pubic hair. Students are affectionately referring to the statue as “The Fur Burger 3000,” and the project is stirring up quite

a lot of buzz. “Look, Camp Randall is chockfull of prematurely excited fans eager to catch a quickie glimpse of old ‘Nail’s Tails,’ and the Kohl Center is hoping to attract fans with an equally appealing and even mightier display of sportsmanship and prowess in ‘The Fur Burger 3000,’” Alvarez said. The fountain will also come equipped with audio capabilities through a sound system in the vaginal opening, and the Athletic Department has approved the pre-

recorded audiotape consisting of excerpts from Gender and Women’s studies lectures and music from Ani DiFranco,

Sleater-Kinney and Pussy Riot. The recording will play on a continuous loop throughout the basketball season.

Q&A: What is hot, not with Barry Alvarez

by Jimbo likes sports a lot

The Dirty Bird had the privilege of catching up with Wisconsin Athletic Director Barry Alvarez this past weekend, where he talked everything from men’s basketball to football. And that’s it. The Dirty Bird: Coach Alvarez, thanks for taking time out of your day to talk to us, we know you’re really busy. Barry Alvarez: Well, it’s not every year you rack

up more than $1.2 billion in plane ticket costs, I do it all for the kids. DB: Which programs are you most proud of this season? BA: Obviously men’s basketball and football. DB: Are there any teams that surprised you this year? BA: No. I expected that kind of success out of those two teams. DB: You do realize our volleyball team went to the Elite Eight, right?

And our cross-country team finished tenth nationally? BA: Who? “Shoot, I coulda sworn we only had men’s basketball and football on this campus” Barry Alvarez DB: The volleyball and cross country teams? BA: What the hell is

a ball of volley? And I’ve done an incredible job in cross country, ya know, with me flying everywhere and anywhere during football season. DB: What are your thoughts on the hockey team’s four-win season? BA: We have a men’s hockey team? Shoot, I coulda sworn we only had men’s basketball and football on this campus. DB: Is it true you told Gary Andersen

to throw the Big Ten Championship game against Ohio State so the Buckeyes could represent the conference in the playoffs? BA: Sure is. And I saved him too but movin’ his ass into the Witness Protection Program out at Oregon State. He owes me one. Welp, I gotta go, these planes have to leave with someone on them.

A STUDENT DID A THING

Badgers football kicker to enter ‘Dancing With the Stars’ draft by ANYONE PLEASE Join ussssss

UW’s supermega star kicker Rafael Gaglianone announced Tuesday that he will forgo his final three seasons of eligibility to enter the Dancing with the Stars draft this coming May. With Wisconsin’s offense horribly crippled this past season by the combined quadriplegic quarterback duo of Tanner McStave and Joel Stavevoy, the freshman Gaglianone stole the show with his right leg and his modern take on the Samba. “How many other guys do you know who can

drill a 78-yard field goal in their sleep and still have enough energy to execute a flawless three-quarter dip after it,” Gaglianone asked at his press conference, filled mostly with freshmen girls pleading him to teach them a few moves. “I didn’t even bother talking with [head coach] Barry Anderson about my decision. I know the time is right for El Tigre to flourish,” Gaglianone added, referring to himself in the third person. Gaglianone, who became affectionately known for his physique which includes a well-rounded abdomen, said he has yet to start working out

for “Dancing With the Stars” and probably won’t because of his “God-given ability.” Following the press conference, ESPN football guru and dancing aficionado Jon Gruden spoke with the Dirty Bird about Gaglianone’s potential at the next level. “I’ll tell ya what man, I’ve never seen a kicker who can kick like that, man,” Gruden said, as he got emotional. “And his dance moves – I call him the fire hydrant because he makes me want to turn on the waterworks. It’s beautiful, man.” Season 176 of Dancing With Stars kicks off May 3.

sport!

The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition April 6, 2015

Nigel Hayes proposes to stenographer via live mic Sesquipedalian Hayes auspiciously finds true love, ebulliantly requests stenographer’s hand in matrimony, to marry after season ends

By Time Flies When you are in love

Making it to the Final Four is usually the highlight of any college basketball player ’s season – let alone career. But Wisconsin sophomore forward Nigel Hayes will remember his secondconsecutive trip to the Final Four for something that occurred in Indianapolis that will undoubtedly last a lifetime. The day before Wisconsin’s Final Four

matchup with Kentucky, the 6-foot-8 forward dropped to one knee in the less than ideal 50-degree and rainy Indianapolis weather and proposed – in the middle of an interview as one would expect – to the stenographer he first laid eyes on in Omaha, Nebraska a few weeks prior. “What? We’re playing undefeated Kentucky this weekend? Who the hell cares! I’m getting married!” Hayes said in the interview room at Lucas Oil Stadium

with one eye constantly glued to the stenographer sitting in perfect posture toward the back of the room. “I forgot that I even played basketball, tbh. What the hell am I doing on this stage?” The love affair between the Ohio native and Stella Grapher, who has stenographed - or “stenoed” as those in the business call it - for the past 23 years, began as any basketball player-stenographer love story has: in an interview

room. Hayes was astonished at Grapher’s ability to perfectly stenograph “catawampus” and “onomatopoeia” following the Badgers win over Coastal Carolina. Hayes approached Stella with the grace you would expect to see out of a six-foot point guard, asked her out, and from there, they say, the rest is history. “I mean not too often are people impressed by one’s ability to be a stenographer,” Grapher said. “So when

Nige came up to me, said I was the most beautiful and talented stenographer he’s ever seen, I was blown away. He rated me as the best stenographer out of the three he’s come across in his life. Like, wow, I’m so lucky. For realz.” Hayes and Grapher have yet to set a date for their magical day but Hayes said it should fall around early April next season because he “won’t have anything important going on at that point.”

Men’s hockey team scores one goal, crowds storm ice By Orange Batterfield Agent Orange

It will go down as arguably the greatest game in the history of Wisconsin men’s hockey, and it never even finished. Trailing Madison Eastside YMCA 8-0 midway through the third period in its final game of the regular season, the Badgers got a lucky bounce when YMCA defenseman Lorenzo Von Matterhorn tried to make a pass in front of his net and instead scored on his own goal. The Kohl Center capacity crowd of 1,700 flew into a frenzy as the fans began pouring over the glass to celebrate the monumental tally. After the game had to be called due to the prolonged celebration on the ice, which continued for nearly three hours following the goal, UW’s Amber Ale tried putting the experience into words. “It felt nice, I guess,” Ale told reporters when they asked him if he could explain what it was like to get credit for the only Badgers’ goal of the season. “I don’t know man, was that even a question?” Nearly all of the fans in

attendance ended up charging the ice, in what was believed to be the first rink storming in the history of college hockey. As the student section repeatedly chanted “Sieve” for two hours and 57 minutes, with the goal horn intermittently blaring overhead, most fans could be seen thrusting their hand in a pointing motion toward the vacated YMCA net. The ones who weren’t engaged in that action were embracing one another at center ice, while a group of five elderly fans sobbed along the corner boards muttering what sounded like, “Ducking, Ike Meeves.” The action had to be halted with 10:12 left in the third period, and the two teams will resume the game tomorrow night at the Kohl Center. Wisconsin head coach Mike Eaves assured that his team will be ready to finish the game on a strong note. “We’re as hot as a frying pan in the desert right now,” Eaves said with a twinkle in his eyes. “I have a good feeling about tomorrow night.”

They scored a thing one time and then got really excited. Then all the people from the stands came on the ice and the game ended even though UW was down seven points.