A satirical publication by The Badger Herald
The belly of Vilas
Since 1892 (does anyone give a shit?) ·www.dirtybird.wisc.edu
April 1, 2016 #tbt lol
Dirty Bird celebrates 125 nonconsecutive years of existence
We’ve been writing words on pages longer than you can hold a keg stand By Jeb!
America’s sweetheart The Dirty Bird has come a long way since it took flight in 1892. We started as a club for watching aerial creatures fornicate and developed our production from there. The Dirty Bird’s original content solely featured in-depth descriptions of birds conjugating. In 1929, UW students staged an uproar against The Dirty Bird because some argued the content became too aggressive and abusive to aerial beings. It was then The Dirty Bird was forced to rethink its content. Since then, The Dirty Bird focused on UW news and kept their bird fetishes a secret, Dirty Bird section editor Pete O’File said.
Senior editor Harry Ballsinya said the original content was hidden somewhere inside of Bascom Hill. Only UW chancellors have the privilege of knowing where it’s concealed. “Some say that [the original content] is hidden on the roof so that the birds can read it. Others think that Becky Blank has it in her office,” Ballsinya said. After the uproar against The Dirty Bird, 40 years passed without incident. We remained the No. 1 (unopposed) newspaper at UW. But The Dirty Bird was burned down metaphorically in 1969, the year The Badger Herald started production. The Dirty Bird has struggled to maintain production since. In 1972, Dirty Bird reporters quit en masse
after their demands were not met, according to former Dirty Bird lead reporter and 1973 alum Clee Torres. “The editors would constantly sneak into our dorms while we were sleeping and make ‘cawing’ sounds and would constantly keep photos of cardinals in the office,” Torres said of her time at the Dirty Bird. “They also forced us to write, word for word, whatever The Badger Herald wrote. I found it unethical and so I staged the strike. They just wouldn’t meet our demands.” Since the 1972 strike, unfortunate events such as badger infestations, fires and UW Chancellor Rebecca Blank taking over the Dirty Bird office, have kept the newspaper from maintaining production for more than a
few years. Despite prior setbacks, The Dirty Bird has received rave reviews from national figureheads. “The Dirty Bird is not fake news,” President Donald Trump said. “Who knew that writing news was so complicated? Not The Dirty Bird.” Makeup icon Kylie Jenner and irrelevant band Big Time Rush have also given The Dirty Bird praise. Ballsinya, the senior editor, said he hopes the Dirty Bird will build upon its current reputation. “Honestly, I just started working here as a resume-builder. It’s OK I guess,” Ballsinya said. “Everyone is obsessed with birds.”
oops, forgot to sell this one. sorry This Corpse Flower stinks, but not as much as living in Vilas!
“Housed in university building...Pays no rent...Registered Student Organization...Uses Wisc.edu emails...Now 100% alumni-funded.”
news
2 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · April 4, 2017
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EXCLUSIVE: Q & A with the Guv. By author
MOTHER OF TWO As Wisconsin-based students, we have to wonder a little bit about the man who leads this great state. After months of pursuing this interview, I was finally granted the opportunity to sit down with Gov. Scott Walker to learn about his origins and personal life.
The Dirty Bird: Could you tell me a little bit about your life? Gov. Scott Walker: Now this is a story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down And I’d like to take a minute Just sit right there I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air
DB: Where are you from? SW: “In west Philadelphia born and raised On the playground was where I spent most of my days Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool And all shooting some b-ball outside of the school When a couple of guys who were up to no good Started making trouble in my neighborhood I got in one little fight and my mom got scared She said, ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.’”
DB: At the time, did you want to make this move? SW: “I begged and pleaded with her day after day But she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket. I put my Walkman on and said, “I might as well kick it.”
DB: What was the trip over there like? Was it emotionally difficult?
Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass. Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like? Hmm, this might be alright.”
DB: Did you have any expectations before you arrived? SW: “But wait I hear they’re prissy, bourgeois, all that Is this the type of place that they just send this cool cat? I don’t think so I’ll see when I get there I hope they’re prepared for the prince of Bel-Air.”
DB: What emotions were you feeling? Was this a challenging decision for you? SW: “I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie, “Yo homie smell ya later.” I looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.”
DB: Thank you
DB: What was your first experience after the move? Were you nervous you wouldn’t fit in? SW: “Well, the plane landed and when I came out There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out I ain’t trying to get arrested yet I just got here I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared.”
DB: After running away, what did you do? Where did you go? SW: “I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said ‘Fresh’ and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, ‘Nah, forget it.’ – ‘Yo, home to Bel-Air.’”
SW: “First class, yo, this is bad
Rebecca Blank assumes new role as chancellor the rapper By Chaco Taco
Your favorite food mystery Rebecca Blank has announced she will be approaching her job as a University of Wisconsin Chancellor with an angle aimed at engaging the student body. Blank has announced her new title will be “Chancellor, The Rapper” after grammy winning hip-hop giant Chance The Rapper. “He’s a wonderful young man that knows how to connect with the kids, so I figured I’d ‘bite’ his style a bit,” said Chancellor The Rapper Blank. “I considered dabbing on camera, but student polls have declared that dance craze dead, so this seemed like the more practical option.” Hip-hop is at an all-time high for popularity, which Blank said is the best way to truly connect with her students. Bumping n’ grinding to all the hottest jams is
reportedly the Chancellor’s favorite past time, according to sources close to the newly proclaimed rapper. The re-branding of her position seemingly comes out of nowhere, which it has. Students are in agreement this PR move was completely unnecessary, claiming she’ll never be as cool as Bernie or Obama. An anonymous source close to Blank was against these new ‘hip’ changes without omission. “Mom has always tried to be cool. I don’t know, as long as she stays away from me and my friends then I don’t care. I don’t even like Chance anyways, but she keeps telling me how great this connection is. Lil Becky Vert would’ve been a better name,” the source said. She was rumored to be in the studio working on her debut album, where she will blend hip-hop
with styles from her childhood, ranging all the way from gospel to Bruce Springsteen. A sample lyric we found is: “I’m a chancellor but I’m a hardcore rapper, don’t be a slacker, students who love to study make more money faster.” Clearly having the writing style of Will Smith’s even cleaner mother, Blank is truly doing whatever it takes to relate to UW students. “Obama did it, so why can’t I?” Blank said while picking out a new bucket hat from her office closet.
oops!
news
April 4, 2017 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · 3
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Sen. Johnson to reopen Mad City Frites after receiving abundance of potatoes Johnson says main goal of re-opening former State Street eatery is to help college students experience true greatness of frites By Grandma in Predicament
Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved
What began as a joke has turned into something much more serious as U.S. Sen. Ron Johnson has decided to re-open MadCity Frites in Madison. The Wisconsin senator said at a news conference Friday that an abundance of potatoes he recently received allowed him to re-open the once-thriving venue to the streets of Madison. The potatoes originally came as a joke from Cards Against Humanity, Johnson said. Using his massive influx of spuds to reopen what was once a haven for Madison’s most potato-inclined will benefit the community as families can once again share the gift of frites with their children. The main goal, however, is to bring back the shining haven for college students, Johnson said. He said he wanted to allow students to wander into the shop to once again enjoy frites when they are drunkenly stumbling home. “Sometimes students end up having too much fun at the bars,” Johnson said. “Now they will have a place to recollect, rest and get back out there where they really belong — back in the bars.” Several University of Wisconsin students said they are excited about the re-opening.
Mac Potter, a junior at UW, said he missed the taste of frites ever since the restaurant closed down. He said he has tried to make frites of his own at home, but has never been able to get them to taste quite as good. “There’s just something about the way Mad City Frites made their food that made its so special,” Potter said. “Every time I go into the kitchen and try to cook myself some frites I just can’t seem to find that same magic.” Josh Mint, a senior at UW, said he never had a chance to check out the restaurant, but is excited to finally have that opportunity. Mint said he hopes to add Mad City Frites to his Mifflin experience this year. Johnson said he has never been so grateful for potatoes in his life. “If it hadn’t been for a bunch of random potatoes, I don’t think I would have ever been able to make such a great change in my life — or any change for that matter,” Johnson said.
Humanities labyrinth rumors true, building fights back
Scary monsters, nice sprites have been spotted roaming the halls, scaring the shit out of students en route to class By Hip Ginger Gal
Confirmed: Does have a soul
The Mosse Humanities Building’s imminent replacement has been slowed by the University of Wisconsin administration’s inability to remove the multiple infernal curses and the minotaur still stalking the halls since the building was raised from hell in 1974. “There is nothing I enjoy more than banishing infernal constructions back to the ninth circle of hell,” local exorcist Jerard Fontain said. “The labyrinthine layout, general feeling of dread and immense heat in the stairways were all normal for my line of work, but I was surprised when the creators had summoned a demonic creature to patrol the halls of the building,” Fontain added, as he laid circles of holly and goat’s blood in the halls to trap the creature. The initial few years of the Humanities Building had been plagued by mysterious axe murders and gorings among the students and staff, however these ended when the building’s need for blood sacrifice was sated and it settled on this mortal plane. Now the building appears to be awakening, sensing that it is under threat. “The other day I was at the building when I arrived to a white box filled only with the groans of the damned and suffering, which isn’t unusual for philosophy class, but I saw some demons in the hall too,” UW sophomore Timothy Brentwood said when
asked about his day in the Humanities Building. Furthermore, sightings of the unusual and supernatural have occurred within the confines of the building. Reports of supernatural creatures and phenomena range from sightings of Harpies clawing their way through small cracks in this plane of reality to people agreeing to disagree about their political beliefs. Regardless of the setbacks, plans to banish the building to the netherworld continue. “With God as my witness, I will purge this blight from the face of the Earth or die trying,” exorcist Fontain declared to Dirty Bird reporters, as he finished blessing and silvering a sword smithed specifically to slay demons.
Fontain was seen later that day clutching the head of the minotaur and covered in the beast’s blood, muttering that things were proceeding “on schedule.”
Feelz
4 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · April 4, 2017
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Letter: Free speech, discourse in journalism are vital to me announcing that I am an asshole In the months following the election, there’s been a lot of talk about what newspapers should and shouldn’t publish. Despite the ideals of a free press, some publications have begun to limit the viewpoints and opinions they’re willing to represent. Now seems the opportune time to have an honest, rational and necessary discussion of this disturbing trend. The gradual erosion of a free, unfettered press is a dangerous and concerning travesty, as it makes it harder for me to publish articles that make it clear that I am an asshole. Many newspapers have begun to censor what they publish, refusing to run pieces deemed to be controversial, or against popular opinion. I feel this betrays the duty
of journalists to exercise free speech and promote public discussion, and hampers my ability to advertise that I am an uninformed, inflammatory dipshit. I’ve heard a lot of people use the word “shit head” to describe me. Some of these accusations were quite justified – I am in fact a hateful pest, and please believe me when I say that I stand firmly against anyone alleging that I am a kind-hearted, empathetic adult. These allegations hold no merit or logic. Never in my life have I made an effort to accept diversity, act with kindness or confront my own biases, and I shouldn’t have to start because of some sensitive liberal journalists. This country was founded with the goal
of providing personal liberties for all, and denying a truly free press limits my own ability to advocate for taking those liberties away from others. Without journalists that are dedicated to discourse and the exchange of ideas, I cannot advertise the fact that I am a deeply prejudiced, angry little boy. Let me be clear on this point: We should be criticizing any impediment on the free press. Refusing to publish articles because of so-called “hate speech” or because of an objective lack of any valid citations is unacceptable, because it prevents me from broadcasting my deep and concerning intolerance. There is a massive difference between myself and somebody with a holistic, tolerant mindset, and I am
completely against any restrictions that might make me seem like the latter. As an American, I deserve the right to voice ill-informed, ignorant statements that make sweeping accusations and vilify entire demographics. Enabling this right is the duty of the free press – their self-censorship is despicable, as it means I might have to consider more rational, tolerant alternatives to my remarkably narrow world view. Please, I implore you, stop silencing the truth and consider the consequences of doing so. Every time you refuse to publish an article because it is inaccurate, damaging and openly biased, you stifle the shrill, angry voice of a seething little piss baby like me.
Letter: Athletic Department should let me out of Bucky suit during off-season I’m pretty hungry, plus I have really bad asthma I love being Bucky during game days – being in the middle of all the energy and getting to make everyone smile is really fun. But I think they should let me out of the suit once the game is over. When I auditioned for the part, I assumed I’d only have to wear the suit when I actually appeared at games. I didn’t really realize the policy was different until I wore the Bucky suit for the first time at a football game last fall. I came back into the locker room after the game ended, out of breath and soaked in my own sweat after spending hours doing push ups and dancing around for the fans. I sat down and asked one of the trainers for help removing the costume’s head, because it’s very heavy and I didn’t want to drop it. The guy laughed at me, leaned way close and said, “Good one, rookie. You live in this suit.” I thought he was joking, but when I tried to take the gloves off University of Wisconsin
Athletic Director Barry Alvarez came into the locker room and started spraying my bare hands with a pressure washer. This hurt my skin a lot, so I put the gloves back on to protect myself. Alvarez glared at me for a long time, and then left the room without saying anything. I get that we’re always supposed to be in character when we’re wearing the suit, but this seemed like a severe reaction, and I think I should be able to take the suit off when I’m not at the game. Having to wear the Bucky suit makes my daily life a lot more challenging. Typing on my laptop and taking notes is difficult with the big furry gloves, and the humidity inside the suit is really bad for my asthma. I can’t get solid food in the helmet very well, so when I’m hungry I just tilt my head back, pour whole milk through the eye hole and try to get as much of it as I can. This has been working alright so far, but I just think everything would be easier if I could take
the mascot suit off even for an hour each day. Last February, I went into Alvarez’s office to ask him if he would reconsider this policy. I explained to him that living inside the Bucky suit was sort of difficult, and I suggested that I be able to take the suit off at night, when nobody could see me. Alvarez didn’t react, and at first I thought he hadn’t been listening. But then he stood up, walked over to me and fired a starter pistol right next to my head. I feel like this was sort of unreasonable on his part, and I still haven’t heard back from him on my proposal. The worst part of this year was when I had to take time off from school to attend my aunt’s funeral in Iowa. I felt like the UW athletic department might understand the circumstances and allow me to change out of the costume, but when I called Alvarez and asked about it, he immediately hung up. The next day, I found a dead crow on my doorstep.
I don’t know if Alvarez was responsible for this or not, but I decided not to press the issue. Wearing this big flashy mascot suit to Aunt Jenny’s funeral was humiliating. I got tired of explaining to my grieving relatives why I couldn’t have just worn a normal suit, so eventually I just stopped talking and pretended I was at a football game. I couldn’t hear the eulogy my mom gave, and my grandfather spat on me as he was leaving. Again, I feel like this situation could have been avoided if the UW athletic department didn’t force me to wear this costume year round. Overall, getting to wear the Bucky suit is a really cool experience. It’s great to be able to represent the university like this, and I love the look on everyone’s faces when I show up in costume to school events. If it were up to me, though, I’d like it if I could even just take off the helmet once in a while.
This. is. The Dirty Bird.
Live. Laugh. love.
badgerherald.com/banter
Arts and stuff April 4, 2017 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · 5
Nice photography displayed at Union South
We just can’t believe our eyes By Another Hip Ginger Gal May or may not have a soul
An elite group of University of Wisconsin student artists are to display their breathtaking photography at an exhibit at Union South, running all next week. The Dirty Bird had the chance to observe these photos and speak with the students about their photography.
This photo captures a minimalist approach, which is all of the hype in contemporary photography. It’s evident the photographer gathered objects essential for office life, including a brand-spanking-new yellow watch, which belongs in an office laden with technology — she must always know the time, so help her God. Notice the precarious position of her mouse, though the photographer insisted during an interview, “This was not staged.”
This image effortlessly captures emotion, as clearly indicated by the whirlwind of feelings the model is experiencing as he transitions from a happy face to a sad one. His eyes say it all, the effort made such a powerful transition in front of the camera. When asked about the mysterious white substance on his face and body, the photographer confidently responded, “I have no idea how that got there.”
Here is the classic embodiment of the father-son dynamic, effortlessly captured and very candid, as evident by the little boy’s bulging eyes that simply scream, “There is no way in heck I’m posing for this photo.” The viewer can only wonder what the two are discussing, and how on Earth they set up that hammock.
This photo captures what can only be described as a “Boy Flying Happy Boy Awesome Amazing Boy Happiness.” His index fingers shooting up toward the sky can only imply his unwavering selfconfidence — “I’m number one!” he seems to scream. Behind the scenes of the photoshoot perhaps proves to be the most interesting. “His vocabulary was limited to ‘Suh, dude,’ ‘Fo sho,’ and ‘Sick,” but I feel as if I’ve embodied the modern American young adult male. I’ve found it.”
Perhaps one of the most powerful pictures in our collection, this image captures friendship at its finest. They may incessantly squabble, but they’ll be damned if they don’t get a good picture at the beach. What’s particularly amazing is the timing and seemingly effortless maneuver to morph their bodies into a heart, signifying the exquisite nature of these women’s sisterhood. It’s been said that immediately after this photo was taken, both girls fell to the ground, wailing out in pain. They may have thrown their backs out, but at least the photo is Instagram-worthy.
almenikhiaka 6 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · April 4, 2017
MISSED
Editor in Chief Cheef Keef Print Managing Editor Diet Coke Print News Editors #breaking Print Campus Editors UWSTATEMENTSFOREVER Print City Editors Is JDS still a thing? Print State Editors Budget, budget, budget Print Arts Editor fartz Print Sports Editors More points pls Print Opinion Editor Yikes...working on this one Print Copy Editors Baley Oxford Henchman Print Graphics Department Clip art Print Photo Department just make the photo darker Web Director Not Applicable Digital Managing Editor Not Applicable Print News Editors Lorem Ipsum Digital Campus Editors Not Applicable
badgerherald.com/banter
CONNECTIONS Eating at Henry Vilas Zoo I saw you roaming at Henry Vilas Zoo. You were so beautiful when you stood there, looked around and ate your lunch. It was in the afternoon, just as the sun reached above your head. I didn’t quite catch your name, but watching you chew on those leaves from behind that post was the most beautiful sight I had ever encountered. You had two large lumps on your head that almost looked like small horns and you had the most pristine neck in the world. I know it must be hard to type with your hooves and all, but please write me if you read this. If you are or know of the giraffe I am speaking of, please help me so I can release this animal into the streets of Madison.
i love u my sweet cogwirl lady Hi i dont know how to sturt this becuse im noton the internet alot hah but you hada beutifull smil with shiny teeth lik a lemon nd ou had big hat im into cowboy colture im a big packer fan hah go pack go please page me or send mail to my adress im in love with you sweety also you had grate elbows im an albow man com over if you wan to rub bows with em baby.
Looking for a good fuck if anyone is looking for a good fucking, message me and we can meet at state street brats, yours or my apartment is good. my penis is very large and i give it really good. prefereably hotties but milfs are ok to.
Driver of 2009 Honda Accord You were doing 80 on I-90 and when we met. You’re name is Linda Gunkly, eyes: brown, height: 5’ -6’’, sex: F. Your address is 14 Plimpy Road. You were the prettiest girl to roll her window down for me all day. My partner and I agreed you were the best one all month, and I would really like to ask you on a date. Also, if you wish to fight your ticket then you must arrive in Dane County Traffic Court at May 4 by 7:30 am. I hope this message finds you well and you aren’t bitter about the ticket, it’s just my job.
Digital City Editors Not Applicable Digital State Editors Not Applicable Digital Arts Editor Not Applicable Digital Sports Editors Not Applicable Digital Opinion Editor Not Applicable Digital Copy Editors Not Applicable Digital Graphics Department Not Applicable Digital Photo Department Not Applicable
For the record The Dirty Bird is The Badger Herald’s annual April Fools issue. Love this issue? Find it online at badgerherald. com/banter Love satire? Check our pages every Tuesday for content from our Banter section. Or find it online at badgerherald.com/banter
My foot doesn’t smell as bad as it looks My big toe doesn’t add to any sort of stench, so stop getting grossed out and claiming my feet stink By Not Dan Chinitz
Guys, it’s definitely not me People tell me my feet are disgusting, and those people are all wrong. My feet may look disgusting, but they are in fact normal feet, and everyone needs to get over it. I understand that my toenail is black from dried blood under my big toe and my other toenails look more shriveled than the average toenail. I’ve even started to embrace my black toenail — it stands out and I like it. If you take a closer look, there is a crease in the middle of my big black toenail where that sucker is gonna come loose. It’s only a matter of time. Last year, it came off just putting on jeans in the morning. Came right off when the nail hit the crease, who would’ve thought? In terms of stench, my big toe doesn’t contribute to any sort of feet smell AT ALL. My feet do not smell any more than the next person. I’m a relatively hairy individual, but nothing out of control when it comes to body odor, which includes my feet. Like anyone else, after a long day walking across campus, of course my feet are going to smell a little. However, it isn’t that bad. None of my roommates have ever complained about my foot stench, yet EVERYONE seems to have a problem with what my feet look like. They’re my feet, it’s not like I’m putting them in your oatmeal or anything. I’ve been to the podiatrist before, stop acting like you know what’s best for me.
It’s not THAT bad, I swear. I’m fine, it’s fine, everythingis fine.
idk??? more art?
April 4, 2017 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · 7
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White boy power brings revolution to university open mic night ‘Wonderwall’ moved us, man By White Girl
Buys all of her records at Urban Outfitters Local musicians gathered at an open mic night Friday to share their incredibly unique talents. “We’re here to do something completely new in the scene,” Dan Miller, who served as emcee of the night, said. “The dudes here have some great acts planned for tonight.” The night started with a performance from John Doe, who impressed the crowd with his unique renditions of Oasis’ “Wonderwall,”
played three times on acoustic guitar before he sat back down again. Next came Sam Smith, a self-proclaimed singer/songwriter who has not yet finished writing a complete song. “I’m so stoked to be here,” Smith said. “This is, you know, my passion.” He decided to play “what he had so far,” which contained various repetitions of C, D and E minor chords. Following Smith came another acoustic guitarist, Greg Long. He covered classic hits, including Coldplay’s “Yellow” and Jason
Mraz’s “I’m Yours,” which made the large crowd of ten people roar. Next came up a band of newcomers, White Dudes, who coined their unique genre of punk rock music: medio-core. Their all-original songs focused on themes of drinking, hanging with your bros and how hilarious they find political correctness and safe spaces. “We’re just here to have fun, you know?” frontman Zach Everson said. “People take things way too seriously in this world. What’s there even to worry about?”
Another acoustic guitarist, Jack Williams, impressed the audience with his cover of The Beatles’ “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” “The Beatles are simply revolutionary, and sincerely changed my life more than anything,” Williams said, after completing the crowd hit. “They invented rock music, right?” When asked if the open mic night would ever seek to diversify their performers and audience, emcee Miller looked confused. “We’ve got diversity of sound, baby,” Miller said. “That’s what matters.”
Berdie Jones talks new album ‘Fuck you’ Incredible things to happen at Churchkey performance By Door pls @group
Madison musician Berdie Jones is making waves in the local scene. Jones just released his first studio album, titled Fuck You. The album boasts a large number of tracks, totaling to an impressive 46. Jones’ sound is a unique blend of everything from elevator music to a symphony of chainsaws. Each track on Fuck You seems to harness tastes from all genres — polka, basement pop, funeral home rock, yodeling, garbage disposal, natural sound, classical violin, etc. You name it, Jones does it. A handful of people have made contributions to the album. Everyone from Becky Blank to
Cher ’s ghost can be heard on these tracks. My personal favorite feature is Chance the Rapper gargling salt-water over the top of a flute medley for ten minutes. The Dirty Bird was lucky enough to talk with Jones about his mastery of a variety of genres, his inspirations and future plans. The concept behind Fuck You came to Jones while he was sitting on the toilet six months ago, he said. The repeated flush of the toilet became musical to him. From there, he knew he wanted to experiment with new types of sounds, he said. “The flush flush of the toilet was so gentle, and so moving, it led me to believe I could make music out of anything.”
It was then on that Jones began weaving lots of everyday sounds into your typical song. During the writing process, he would see which sounds go best with which genre, he said. “I heard my neighbor mowing his lawn, and I thought, holy mother fuck, this would be perfect in a death metal song,” Jones said. “So I fired that bitch up, recorded myself cutting some grass and then I laid that over the top of some Metallica-inspired metal music that I recorded on guitar, drums and bass only three hours earlier. There’s another sound I’ve been totally into, and it’s that sound that cats make when they vomit. It’s super good rhythm for rap, so I made some beats and inserted those sounds.” This kind of experimentation can be seen
throughout the album. Connecting this sort of work to a name took time, Jones said. Deciding what to call the album was difficult — the scope of this work is so large, and Jones knew that it had to be perfect. Finally, Jones rested on Fuck You, he said. “I chose this because I knew I would gain more haters once people heard it,” Jones said. “I fear that people will think it’s just a bunch of messy and pointless nonsense or that it really isn’t music, so all I could think was fuck that and fuck you. I only hear beauty in the noise.” There you have it, folks. Jones will be here in Madison at Churchkey Bar & Grill for a live performance, every single day next week.
Blank agrees to jousting match against Walker on State Street for funding By YOUR MOM Ha!
Both the University of Wisconsin faculty and the Wisconsin state government have decided to end their large-scale battles for state funding and settle their differences with valor: they’ll joust for it. After Gov. Scott Walker’s cuts to the UW System last biennium, the UW administration seems to be forever at odds with the state government. Publishing multiple reports and publicly critiquing the Capitol, UW hasn’t been able to wound lawmakers as much as they would like. Rather than continuing the bureaucratic dispute, both warring parties have agreed to send their
exalted rulers for a winner-takes-all joust for honor and funding for the coming state budget. It is rumored Walker shall ride upon his strong, yet palpable steed “Soglin.” Walker has announced he will be equipped with armor made from scavenged Republican U.S. Sen. Ron Johnson campaign signs people left on their front lawns. “I own the funds and the farmers, so I own the best blacksmith in all Wisconsin,” Walker retorted from his mighty throne. “The chancellor shall bow before the same mighty lance I used to take down those teachers union arses.” After his victory suppressing the teachers union fiefdom, Walker boasts brute force for jousting
strategy. At the other end of State Street, UW Chancellor Rebecca Blank and the chamber of Castle Bascom have been relatively quiet regarding jousting strategy. Blank has less experience in the jousting realm, so speculation on her strategy remains, due to the little evidence coming from her council. Blank was rumored to have a joint meeting with the UW Equestrian Team and the Wisconsin Role Playing Games club last week. “The chancellor has been doing everything in her power in preparation for her bout,” Squire Lori Berquam said.
“She has the backing of the entire UW staff and has been utilizing the ingenuity of many professors, including those in both medieval studies and physics departments,” Berquam added. Both sides have expressed levels of confidence to win the epic Madison Joust of 2017. This will surely be an event for the scrolls, so make sure to pack your rucksack full of mutton to secure the best views possible. Spectators have been invited to consume mead and watch the bout from various State Street establishments, as this is the spectacle Madison serfs have desired since the fall of the Holy Roman Empire.
Sports(ish)
8 · The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition · April 4, 2017
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Bucky attempts to eat student, UWPD searches for deranged mascot The rabid badger was last seen heading west along Linden Drive By author
MOTHER OF TWO The University of Wisconsin mascot Bucky Badger went berserk for human flesh Monday when the Astronaut Enthusiasts club met for their semester social. As is tradition, the Astronaut Enthusiasts requested Bucky to show up to entertain members and their dates. Arriving at the event punctually and wacky as usual, the club believed they were in for a classic Wisconsin treat. Approximately 12 minutes into Bucky’s typical goofs, freshman enthusiast Moab Dinner was taking a photo with Bucky when Dinner reportedly gave the mascot bunny ears. Eye witnesses say this was the last thing they saw before Bucky attempted to gobble Dinner into his oversized mascot mouth. After wriggling free, Dinner managed
to escape Bucky’s toothless mouth. According to the University of Wisconsin Police Department, Bucky reportedly escaped into the heart of campus. “UWPD are currently expending every utilizable resource to find Bucky — dead or alive he must be brought to justice,” UWPD spokesperson Mark Lovicott said. UWPD continue their campus-wide search, after 24 hours have already passed since the incident. UW faculty and students have been warned to remain off campus until further notice. “All students and faculty must remain safe while Bucky may be out there. His toothless head, big paws and energetic demeanor could put people at risk,” UW Chancellor Rebecca Blank said, just before adding, “I just hope my Bucky Boy is safe.”
good doggos read dirty burd
doggo doin the pant *pls read durty bird* *am spots*
heckin good pets