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April Fools Day, 2018 (± a week)
E H T F EO N I L T ON R F E TH M O R F S T R O REP DJ Phallus MOTHER OF TWO In the morass of a meme war, who you should count as your ally and who you should count as your foe is always unclear and shifting. Where one moment you may temporarily befriend the College Republican out of necessity to defeat a sudden Minnesota Gopher insurgency, you’re never safe from betrayal. Tragically, this is the reality of a meme war and is often hidden from normies among the no-mans-land beneath the “Read More” button in the comments. The battleground, “UW-Madison Memes for Milk-Chugging Teens,” is pockmarked with these skirmishes. Take a scroll down the Facebook page and you will travel back in time, seeing in reverse the great memers and their causes rise from defeat into supreme dominance, only to see them reduced into obscurity just as quickly as their short-lived ascension. As a reporter on the frontlines, it is difficult to fully grasp the enormity of the war, as the fronts across which the war is fought are many and new factions seem to appear out of thin air like ghosts. The clash that occurred when massive numbers of QQ partisans were forced to defend their establishment’s bottom-tier Chinese food from a guerilla effort orchestrated by those carrying the banner for Paul’s Pel’meni and its unremarkable Russian dumplings is a perfect encapsulation of this war’s futility. Jack Bryant, advancing the cause for QQ’s styrofoam con-
tainers filled to the brim with tasteless noodles, delivered an infamous blow to Paul’s Pel’meni’s troops with a simple image of the eatery’s small balls of potato and/or beef. “Are you a homeless dog? Does this look good to you?” prompts Bryant’s low-effort post, amassing roughly 300 likes from people who think Happy Wok is authentic Chinese food. If it weren’t for Karim Nassef’s powers as moderator of the meme page and his capacity to rally disparate forces around a cause, QQ’s would have easily dispatched with Paul’s. But, with only a humble Harry Potter meme, Nassef and his comrades nearly tripled Bryant’s total likes, momentarily stalling their inevitable defeat. For soldiers of the war, the conflict was shattering and made it nearly impossible to return to a normal life. Most troubling for them is coming to the realization that someone who you sit next to on the bus or in class – or someone you might even count as a friend – could choose to not only eat out of necessity but also enjoy food a starving raccoon would turn its nose at. For objective reporters of the war, the reasons for the conflict are so useless, stupid and absurd that they invalidate the concept of war itself. Of course, rational people will agree Paul’s Pe’lmeni is miles better than QQ’s, but war in its most pure form is irrational and distorts reality. In between moments of strife, however, the meme-war can expose the raw connections tying mankind together. Like the Christmas truce during WWI when opposing trenches across the Western Front paused their fighting to solemnly celebrate Christmas as one, a meme war can similarly
bring together mortal enemies when the exhaustion of endless warring and the beauty of chance intersect. Such a moment happened recently when Lori Berquam, the vice provost for the Division of Student Life and a God-tier milk-chugging meme, announced her resignation from the university.
R A W E MEM
The fighting, between socialists and libertarians, Gophers and Badgers, B-schoolers and literally everyone else, suddenly stopped for a few beautiful moments. Harmonizing, the memers all cried, “Don’t go.”
Opinion: Commuting To Class From The James Becomes Too Difficult When Father Has Taken The Carriage To Go Fox Hunting Quentin Beaufort II You’ll Be Hearing From My Lawyer About This Having an 8:00 AM lab is absolute drudgery. In the winter, waking up in darkness only to remember such a terrible commitment sours my morning like no other, knowing I must leave the warmth of my bed into the bitter winter winds on the way to class. But few things could worsen this commute more than leaving my modest apartments at The James and entering the stable only to realize that father has taken the carriage on a fox hunting holiday for the week. I know the struggles of student life all too well: late nights spent poring over manuscripts at the library, putting off group projects to binge watch Molière’s L’ecole des Femmes, or being so broke that you can’t even afford an 18th century ebony inlaid Florentine cabinet for your apartment’s billiard room. A lot of adults hardly seem aware of the sacrifices students make – I, for example, took up my chambers at The James instead of troubling my uncle, the Viscount Montboissier, to stay at his nearby estate. These sacrifices make it all the more insulting when father takes the sporting carriage off for a fox hunt without so much as leaving a word with
my valet. How am I supposed to get to class? Walking might seem a feasible alternative, but the sidewalks on the way to class are jammed with idiot farmers and merchants, and it is beneath my pedigree to be seen with such common folk. One might suggest I ride the bus,
ten trip has spoiled my week, leaving me cooped up in my apartment until his return. All I can do to stave off this dreadful boredom is play my harpsichord, water my ferns and rearrange my collection of ivory figurines. I cannot even have company over, as The James’ wine cellars ran out of Rémy Martin Louis XIII two weeks ago. The City of Madison ought to invest in better transport, or at least have carriages available for short-term lease for residents such as myself – I shouldn’t have thought that a struggling student would be put through difficulty like this.
“Without my carriage, there is simply no feasible option for me to get to class”
but every time I have tried, the callous moron at the helm refuses to drive me exactly where I want to go, even when I offer him a sterling silver luncheon spoon from my own collection as payment. One might also think I could ride my own horse to class, but I mustn’t expend Percival’s strength before the Epsom Derby in May. Without my carriage, there is simply no feasible option for me to get to class. Father’s rot-
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Business School announces seminar led by Girl Scouts Rick Ranger Workin’ on it
T h e Wi s c o n s i n S c h o o l o f B u s i n e s s recently announced its creation of a seminar series led by Girl Scouts. The series will be a required course for all newly-accepted business school students. The seminar will center its focus on effective marketing practices and establish a target audience. The leader of the local girl scout troop Savannah Smiles said they were first inspired to teach a class at the business school after selling girl scout cookies on Mifflin Street d u r i n g S t . Pa t r i c k ’s d a y f e s t i v i t i e s . The leader repor ted a 300 percent i n c r e a s e i n p r o f i t a f t e r j u s t o n e d a y.
“It was my idea for our girls to t e a c h a c l a s s a t t h e u n i v e r s i t y,” overly involved troop mom Stacy Samoas said. “Drunk college kids a r e t h e o n e s b u y i n g o u r d a u g h t e r ’s c o o k i e s . W h y w o u l d n’ t t h e y w a n t t o learn something from them too?” H o w e v e r, n o t e v e r y o n e i s a f a n o f the new seminar series. Some have referred to it as “p o i n t l e s s ,” w h i l e o t h e r s f e a r t h a t the content level of the course will be over their heads. “ I t s e e m s a l i t t l e l a m e t o m e ,” s a i d frat star Adam Adderall, a sophomore and incoming business school student. “My dad pays for my educ a t i o n a n d h e’ l l b e u n h a p p y t o h e a r t h a t I ’m r e q u i r e d t o t a k e a c o u r s e l e d e n t i r e l y b y w o m e n .” Others reiterated his opinion,
w o r r i e d t h a t t h e G i r l S c o u t ’s w o u l d o n l y o f f e r a “ w o m a n’s p e r s p e c t i v e” of the business world. Business school junior Chad Johnson who will be required to take the seminar after failing an introductor y level marketing course, was heavily opposed to the new lecture series, sharing many of the same viewpoints as Adderall. “I mean, come on. Just because I l i k e t o e a t T h i n M i n t s w h e n I ’m h a m m e r e d d o e s n’ t m e a n t h a t G i r l Scouts know more than I do about marketing and finding a target aud i e n c e ,” J o h n s o n s a i d . “ I h a v e a s i d e b u s i n e s s m y s e l f. I s e l l f a k e I D s o u t s i d e o f Wi t t e H a l l . Yo u c a n g e t t h e m cheaper from IDGod.com. But freshm a n d o n’ t k n o w t h a t .” Despite heavy opposition from
the majority of the business school, the seminar will begin as scheduled a t t h e s t a r t o f f a l l s e m e s t e r. A t t e n dance will make up 50 percent of the class grade and cookies will not be provided.
Bucky Badger enters crowded gubernatorial election Pleaes Someone Write For Us With the 2018 Wisconsin Gubernatorial Election approaching, an unlikely candidate has chosen to throw his hat into the ring: Buckingham Badger. The iconic University of Wisconsin mascot said he is ready to trade his classic turtleneck for a button-up and tie and is even willing to don pants if it means he’ll be taken seriously as a potential candidate. As a UW icon for over 70 years, Bucky is confident his skill set as a mascot and fierce mammal will translate to success in the race for governor. Alluding to a video he saw on Facebook, Bucky said he just recently learned of his species capabilities as one of Earth’s most aggressive animals and will channel his inner savageness to ward off other candidates. “I’m not afraid to tear the testicles off my fellow candidates,” Bucky said. Skipping, clapping, flag waving and posing for pictures with adoring fans and supporters will also help him achieve success in the primaries, Bucky said. Upon hearing there would be no push-up competition as part of the race for governor, Bucky was a bit disheartened. “There’s nothing I would like to do more
than beat Scott Walker in a push-up contest,” Bucky said. Bucky said he plans to campaign with a “fierce” agenda. Serving Blue Moon ice cream daily at all UW dining halls and making the Mifflin block party weekend a statewide holiday will be orders of business completed within his first 100 day, he said. “Most importantly though, as governor, I would do everything I can to make UW as appealing as possible to Steve Carell’s daughter,” Bucky said. Bucky said he is not too concerned about his opponents, including Republican Gov. Scott Walker who is running for a third term, and other major Democratic contenders including Paul Soglin, Tony Evers, Mike McCabe and Matt Flynn, among others. “I’m going to be honest, for the longest time I thought it was Matt Flynn the former Green Bay Packers quarterback who was running,” Bucky said. “I was a little disappointed to find out it wasn’t him, guess that means no autograph.” The Wisconsin Primary election will take place in early November, and despite the hectic college football season, among other fall sports, Bucky is confident he can balance a Gubernatorial campaign and his mascot duties.
Should he win? “Leading the state of Wisconsin can’t be too much different from leading the widely intoxicated student section in cheers and game day activities at UW,” Bucky said.
WEEEEEEEEE/ THE DIRTY BIRD
CROWN JUUL STOLEN, SWIFTLY RETURNED
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UW Chancellor Rebecca Blank finally found behind podium after being missing for weeks Incident Type: Missing Person Incident Date: April 1, 2018 Address: University of Wisconsin Person: Rebecca Blank, 62 Details: After weeks of speculation about what had happened to University of Wisconsin Chancellor Rebecca Blank and if she had fled to Canada to escape her duties as chancellor, Madison Police Department found Blank in Bascom Hall. Blank, who was not in any danger or injured, was found behind a podium. The podium, which was much, much taller than Blank, had hidden her for weeks. A UW janitor who was cleaning Bascom Hall Sunday night heard noise coming from behind
the podium. Concerned, he called MPD, who arrived promptly at the scene. At first, the scene looked normal, and if it wasn’t for the officers moving the podium and spotting Blank, she might have been there forever. Blank said whenever she sees a podium now she gets nervous and does her best to avoid them at all costs. MPD recommended UW get Blank her own customized step-stool to bring to future press conferences to prevent this from happening again. It’s also recommended UW hire Blank an assistant dedicated to carrying this stool around.
BIG BROWS/ THE DIRTY BIRD
OOh yeah: UW to change school anthem to “Gucci Gang” Not Abby ThE mAn WhO sOLd THe Currently aelling the world
In a historic rebranding effort, the University of Wisconsin Madison has changed its anthem of over a century, the beloved Varsity, into rap prodigy Lil’ Pump’s smash hit, “Gucci Gang.” This change, ordered by UW Chancellor the Rapper herself Rebecca Blank — now going by Lil’ Becca — comes alongside a surge in Lil’ Pump’s popularity with the above fifty demographic. “While I understand that it may be a strong deviation from the norm, this change reflects that the university has an open ear to student culture, and are willing to meet the demands of our diverse and politically active
campus,” Lil’ Becca said during a press conference announcing the change. “Varsity” is the product of a time long since passed, Lil’ Becca said. She added it is time the university steps up and makes the changes needed to modernize our campus and create lasting student inclusion. Lil’ Becca stressed that that this rebranding process is just that — a process. She acknowledged the university knows they cannot create a modern, inclusive campus overnight. Student reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. According to a Dirty Bird Poll, exactly 69 percent of students support the changes to the university.
“I felt that the university government had no real interest in student grievances, but then this happened and I was like ‘look how relatable and cool they are.’ Now I know for sure they relate to us,” UW student Chuck Greene said in response to the changes. Following the press conference, Lil’ Becca laid out plans to rename the football team “The UW FamSquad” and change Bucky the Badger into “some sort of Twitter bird.”
City Council hopes to continue inconveniencing students in 2018 Not Abby LIKES PIZZA AND COFFEE Recent proposals passed through Madison’s Common Council will affect University of Wisconsin students greatly and achieve the Council’s goal for 2018 — ruin the lives of UW students. In February, the council passed legislation which creates a boundary for where liquor licenses can be issued in Madison. This boundary includes one of the busiest parts of Madison for students — State Street. These new changes will create a complete change of everyday life for UW students and allow lawmakers to shutdown many weekend activities for college students. Mayor Saul Poglin said this has been the Common Council’s goal throughout the entire legislative process. “The reputation Madison has gained over the years as a party school needs to end,” Poglin said. “These new pieces of legislation will effectively prevent the continuation of that reputation.” Poglin added this has been his goal for a while, as the binge-drinking climate in Madison has gotten worse throughout the years and students are
losing sight of what’s important — helping him win the gubernatorial race. In addition to the February legislation, the council passed a proposal which would eventually phase out late night vendors completely. This legislation will also require vending carts to move to Library Mall, all the way at the end of State Street. Many students are not happy about these changes, as they believe the legislation could completely change the climate of Madison. UW freshman Chip Otle believes these changes could potentially deter people from coming to Madison completely. “These new bills will change the climate of Madison and strip its reputation away,” Otle said. “Many of my friends may not even come here next year because of it.” One of the biggest groups affected will be the UW Greek Life, as they are out more often than many other students. Many members of Greek Life believe that no more liquor licenses around campus will mean fewer places to host socials. Additionally, they are concerned over where their late-night snack will
come from if the vendors aren’t able to sell food anymore. Chad Miller from Apple Sigma Pi believes the legislation is unacceptable and will change Madison Greek Life significantly. “The new legislation in Madison is not OK. It is aimed to target students’ extracurricular activities and will completely change how people see Madison,” Miller said. Poglin, however, disagrees with Miller. He believes these additions will bring many benefits to UW. These benefits will include less Greek Life influence on campus and more money into the local restaurants. Poglin also added this legislation marks the first time the Common Council has met a goal so fast in the year. “This was one of the fastest goals to meet,” Poglin said. “We believe that this will effectively ruin the lives of many students … I mean change the drinking climate at Madison so it’s safer for everyone?”
SKRRRRRRRT/ THE DIRTY BIRD
dead ass fuck ~thots ~on god 6
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Editor in Chief Yodeling Boy Print Managing Editor
WE ASKED, THEY ANSWERED: THE ONE ABOUT ADULT STUDENTS
Offset Print News Editor Woo Woo Print Campus Editor UWSTATEMENTSFOREVER Print City Editor
Mackenzie Rothschild Age: 21 and 8 months
Crying over sidewalks Print State Editor
“Living off campus is tough. Compared to the brisk walk from Sellery —the habitat of the youth —my morning commute from The Hub to Grainger has aged me. It’s a shame that the younger generation doesn’t witness what city life is really like.”
Walker’s Package Print Arts Editor Lorem Ipsum Print Sports Editor
Libby DuPont Age: 22 “I’ll have you know, my boyfriend and I have been dating for seven months. I understand how that figure may appear like a lifetime to my peers, as they are only familiar with futile trysts.”
three strikes!! Print Opinion Editor Yikes Print Copy Editor The Oxford Comma Print Graphics Department Microsoft Paint
Mike Bishop Age: My Maryland says 23
Print Photo Department A Baby Duck with a Nikon
“While my peers get blacked after drinking three shots of Fireball at Brats, I — a gentleman of refined taste — require at least four shots at Chasers to squash my more developed tolerance.”
Web Director Not Applicable Digital Managing Editor Not Applicable
The Dirty Bird values your voice. Please tell us how difficult it is to be at least two years older than your peers. All submissions will be reviewed thoroughly.
Digital News Editor Not Applicable Digital Campus Editor Not Applicable Digital State Editor Not Applicable Digital Arts Editor Not Applicable Digital Sports Editor Not Applicable
Lauren Van Klehoff Age: 20 “It’s so frustrating trying to relate to my peers. Since all of them are stuck with the juvenile and immature Tinder, I feel incredibly isolated as a Bumble user. While the youngins exchange depraved photographs and the “Snap” “Chats,” I am stuck asking for papa’s permission before sending the first message to dapper young men.”
The Dirty Bird Editorial Board officially announces plans to unionize The Dirty Bird Editorial Bird WOLVES 4EVER It is with great glee that we, the editors, writers and semi-literate individuals at The Dirty Bird announce that we are unionizing. For too long has the University of Wisconsin expected more from us than we could ever hope to give. It
was not so long ago that we slaved day in and day out to produce TWO, I repeat TWO eight page papers every week. Even we have school! Today we sent our intent to unionize to the Chancellors office and to advise them that we would no longer bend to the bourgeoisie notion of correct spelling and grammar. Such things are inaccessible to many peo-
ple on campus and indeed some of our staff have trouble understanding sentences that don’t have emojis or images to accompany them. Looking around the room as I write this I am astounded that it has taken 126 years to reach this point and I grow disgusted by the sheer enormity of all the labour which might have been expected of me just 50 years
ago. The time of the working class is now and it will be an age marked by languid news coverage and maybe some long form pieces if we feel like it.Our first demands, which we have sent to the chancellors office, are detailed bellow and we hope our fellow students will support us. Workers of the world unite!
Digital Opinion Editor Not Applicable Digital Copy Editor Not Applicable Digital Graphics Department Not Applicable Digital Photo Department Not Applicable
Discontinuation of the harrowing policy where Dirty Bird workers must sacrifIce a member at Ray Cross’ house and then he forces us to make him stir fry
It would be cool if we could stop
Freedom from unrealistic expectations like selling ads to pay rent like some kind of capitalist pig
people from emailing us things like “This article has many errors and it caused my wife to fake her death and move to a remote pacifc Island” or “I have serious concerns with last week’s editorial titled ‘The only way to stop Trump is for Brad in Chem 343 to ask me on a date”” Signed, The last brain cell of The Dirty Bird
farts
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A review of the dream I had when I fell asleep at a Tweeties concert Kitty Kat SPACE CAT EXPERT
I love music, it is my passion. That is why I write for the arts section here at the Dirty Bird. I volunteered to cover the Tweeties’ show at the Majestic Theatre this past Saturday. Their pop-punk sound coupled with their chirpy vocals have garnered praise throughout the community, so I was excited to get to cover this band. Only problem was, well, I sat down in my seat at the very back of the balcony and their first note put me to sleep. At first, a harmonious blend of lime and orange swirled around behind my eyelids, perhaps stemming from the Cheesy Gordita Crunch and Baja Blast Freezie I had just consumed at the five-star Taco Bell Cantina. I felt a deep sense of joy at this image, reminiscing about what once was in my esophagus and what now circling in my small intestine. Suddenly, these colors split open like a curtain, unveiling the rich landscape of the African savannah. Hyenas wandered past me as they sang the somber tones of Toto’s “Africa,” which I heard from my friend Timmy that the Tweeties did an amazing cover of that was accompanied by stimulated rain and a laser light show. I wish I could review that, but the nature calls of the gentle lion were murmuring to be in my sleep. A friendly meerkat named Scoopie gave me a hearty bowl of custard to aid me on my journey forward through the savannah, adding a basis of social support at the backbone of my dream. I came upon a spooky haunted house, similar to Memorial
Union but painted in hot pink. Turning pale with dread, this spooky figure added a dimension of mortality to my dream. Ten thousand fiery llamas spun around a circle praising a lone yellow canary they called “Tweety,” who then began a spirited performance of a song. I didn’t recognize it, so perhaps it was actually the strains of The Tweeties cranking out a sassy tune at the Majestic. If it was, it was good! I like music! I think there might have been a saxophone solo, which was played by Buckingham U. Badger in my dream, a stellar display of artistry and technique. I think he’s going to become the next big saxy Badger, or whoever he was. Faced with a challenging decision to either stay and become a minion of Tweety or go join my pals at the Dirty Bird for a round of Babcock Ice Cream, I decided that ice cream was the way to go and landed from a black hole to the abyss of Smith Hall. Equipped with a Bean and Creamery in this warped world, I immediately settled on the Qdoba flavor in a waffle cone. The taste of this was sublime, serene almost. It was if two guitars struck a chord that was so perfect, it could start world peace. Timmy told me that at this point, towards the end of the concert, the Tweeties performed
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ/ THE DIRTY BIRD
the best song he’s ever heard. I wish I could tell you the name so you could look it up on Spotify, but I was in creamy Qdoba heaven. Sorry guys! Now lying in our space pods, my fellow writers and I giggled as we lauded the release of another successful paper. We celebrated with a group limbo tournament, which I won. The final triumph complete, this dream came to a stunning conclusion that will impact me for years to come. “Hey bro weren’t you supposed to do an in-person interview with the Tweeties for the Dirty Bird?” Timmy
remarked as he joussled me up from my slumber thirty minutes after the band had packed the tour bus and left the theatre. I think I was, but truly this depiction of my dream that stemmed out of my slumber will do more for society and the discovery of the continued struggles of man than any band ever will. I’m currently writing the screenplay for my dream, which should be coming to Union South Movie Night very soon. The Tweeties have an EP coming on Friday, I think?
Lori Bequam to become Associate Dean of Students at Wiscansin University in light of flood of applicants Shawty Snappin
Likes to buy you a drank With the University of Wisconsin losing beloved Dean of Students Lori Bequam, scores of students are filing transfer applications to Wiscansin University to be under Dean Tallahassee R. Pain. In fact, the number of applications filed exceeded Wisconsin School of Business applications by a 2:1 margin, with some citing the application prompt of “Why is it important for a University to value strippers and booze?” easier to draft than a similar prompt on diversity and inclusion. T-Pain announced the new university on his Twitter account with a promotional video filled with retro shorts and singing doodles as students clad in Wiscansin University gear partook in college life. The students generally looked jovial in the warm environment provided by Wiscansin. “The school is located in idyllic Wiscansin, Wisconsin, which is still 70 degrees while it is snowing here in Madison,” Thomas Meier, economics junior, remarked. Meier already submitted his transfer application the day Wiscansin University was announced, despite not having an outline for his midterm paper that was the next day. Wiscansin’s student statistics speak for themselves. All of the professors, who teach courses such as “The History of Autotune” and “The Working Stripper,” are uncertified, leaving no room for them to be brainwashed by ‘The Man.” The school boosts an average GPA of 2.5, well below the academic standards that keep current UW students stressed in the build-up to midterms. Prospects for female students are low, however, as only one woman is allowed admittance at a time. There are many aspects of the school that seem appealing for UW students. “The History of GIFs at 3 a.m.” would not only prove useful for late night texting, as Dean Pain suggests, but also for any potential meme wars or study group chats found campus-wide. Students who continually struggle on Tinder in Madison might also find
luck with Wiscansin’s “The Art of Sprung” course, which would help with the flirting skills students desperately need to stop being so single. “I’m particularly interested in the “Accounting for Strippers” class, as it will allow me to continue to apply my business instinct after I am inevitably rejected by the Wisconsin School of Business,” Penny Pepping, undecided freshman, said. Campus life is similar between the two schools, with both promoting diversity, arts, sports, Greek life and student employment. The adjustment will not be too bad for prospective transfers, even as little information on these organizations are possible. While the admission decisions have not yet been released, Badgers contemplating transfers can buy spirit wear for the University on its website. Featured items include a signature crew neck, hoodies, snapback hats, and a necessary PE t-shirt for the physical challenges found at Wiscansin. The entire collection can be bought for only $281. “Once I decided to apply to WU, I traded in my Canada Goose and bought three of each piece in the collection, and still had enough left over for a
I’M IN LUV WITH A STRIPPER/ THE DIRTY BIRD hearty meal at QQ’s!” Meier exclaimed. As for this columnist, my application still has not been submitted yet. While I would love to count myself among alumni like Rick Ross and Lil Wayne, I would need more persuasion from the Dean himself to picture myself at home in the clubs of Wiscansin University. Perhaps a personal pitch here in Madison would inspire quality applicants like myself, instead of just former business school hopefuls, to fill Wiscansin’s inaugural class.
Also, a scholarship and a free crewneck would be lit — just saying.
sprot 8
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Barry Alvarez’s beloved helicopter has died Will Firm Dad Joke Expert Th e U n i ve r s i t y o f Wi s co n s i n i s i n m o u r n i n g Tu e s d ay m o r n i n g a f te r the death of the long te n u re d At h l e t i c D i re c to r B a r r y A l v a re z ’s Au g u s t a We s t l a n d AW 1 1 9 K e K o a l a H e l i co p te r. Th e e i g h t- s e a t u t i l i t y h e l i co p te r m o s t co m m o n l y u s e d by l aw e n fo rce m e n t a g e n c i e s, p ro d u ce d by Le o n a rd o a n d p owe re d by a s i n g l e t u r b o s h a f t e n gi n e c a m e o u t i n 2 0 1 6 . I t h a s b e e n u s e d by A l v a re z s i n ce i t s i n i t i a l p ro d u c -
t i o n i n 2 0 1 6 to b r i n g h i m to B ow l G a m e s, fo r h i s we e k l y S u n d ay s h o p p i n g t r i p s a n d m o s t re ce n t l y w a s u s e d fo r a “ b o n d i n g e xe rc i s e” fo r t h e M a rc h S a d n e s s b oys — B a d g e r s B a s k e t b a l l. Th o u g h m a ny h ave called this an unfair puni s h m e n t fo r m i s s i n g t h e to u r n a m e n t , A l v a re z re i te ra te s i t s p u r p o s e s o l e l y a s a d r i l l m e a n t to te a c h t h e te a m co m ra d e r y. Th e b oys we re t a k e n u p i n to the h e l i co p te r during t h e f i r s t ro u n d g a m e s o f t h e to u r n a m e n t , a n d
o n ce co nv i n ce d they we re m e re l y e n j oy i n g a s m o o t h r i d e o n t h e Au g u s t a We s t l a n d AW 1 1 9 K e K o a l a , we re to l d o f t h e a f te r n o o n’s t r u e p u r p o s e. Th e 1 6 o f t h e m we re gi ve n fo u r p a ra c h u te s a n d, a s K h a l i l I ve r s o n o p e n e d h i s m o u t h to a s k fo r d i re c t i o n s to s a fe l y o p e r a te t h e p a ra c h u te s, we re d ro p p e d f ro m a t ra p d o o r i n t h e b o t to m o f t h e Au g u s t a We s t l a n d AW 1 1 9 K e Koala. A l l we re a b l e to te a m u p s a fe l y a n d g l i d e d ow n i n a p e a ce f u l d e s ce n t ,
e m b ra c i n g o n e a n o t h e r h av i n g l e a r n e d t h e l e s s o n o f a l i fe t i m e. Th a t i s, b e s i d e s B ra d D av i s o n , w h o, m u c h to t h e a s to n i s h m e n t o f a l l bys t a n d e r s, s i m p l y f l o a te d d ow n l i k e a fe a t h e r, s h o u t i n g s u p p o r t a t h i s te a m m a te s a l l t h e w h i l e m i s s i n g a p a ra c h u te. D av i s o n l a n d e d s a fe l y, p o p p e d h i s s h o u l d e r b a c k i n , a n d ye l l e d a t t h e re fe re e s fo r n o t c a l l i n g a fo u l o n grav i t y fo r t h e o f fe n s i ve c h a rg e. N ow w i t h o u t h i s h e l i co p te r, t h e At h l e t i c B o a rd i s l o o k i n g i n to o t h e r p u r -
c h a s e s to p a c i f y t h e n ow i m p ove r i s h e d a t h l e t i c d i re c to r. S o f a r i d e a s b e i n g t h row n a ro u n d i n c l u d e f i ve Fra n k Kaminsky c l o n e s to w a l k a ro u n d with him at all times and f re q u e n t l y te l l c h a r m i n g j o k e s, h i s s e co n d f l avo r o f B a b co c k I ce C re a m d e d i c a te d to h i m a n d b r i n gi n g b a c k t h e b a s e b a l l te a m o n l y to l e t h i m c u t i t a g a i n , w h i c h re p o r te d l y m a k e s h i m fe e l m o re a l i ve t h a n a ny t h i n g e l s e i n t h i s wo r l d.
Photo courtesy of Flickr user fkmvln
Five teams we missed in March Madness this year Or Whatever IDK Wisconsin’s absence from this year’s March Madness tournament has been a major blow to tournament viewership in Wisconsin. However, these aren’t the only team’s the audience is yearning for this year.
Team Edward If there’s one thing Team Edward has, it’s team spirit. If there are two things Team Edward has, it’s team spirit and a group-wide restraining order. These impassioned Twilight fans have endured a whole decade of total irrelevancy with the help of their tenuous grip on reality and bloodthirsty defense. The 22-year-old captain marshaled the team, known as “Stella,” who has thirty total interceptions, five gouged eyes, four scratched corneas and a partridge in a pear tree to her name. Other team stars include point guard Vikki Blood, who has contributed an average of 20 points a game and power forward Sanguis Moriarty, who contributes the halftime blood oranges.
Seal Team Six Seal Team Six are a team of well trained, efficient and cold aquatic mammals who represent the Indianapolis Aquarium on the court. Despite their naturally friendly and cuddly nature, these seals mean business. When motivated by generous treats of fish, they are capable of bouncing the ball on their snouts up to five times. While this is impressive, defense is where the team starts to shine, literally crushing the opposing team under their four hundred pounds of mass. Led by the terrible twosome of team captains, Captain Smoochems and team-first mate Dennis Rodman, Seal Team Six are capable of giving any team in the tournament a run for their money.
The A-Team
In 1972 a crack collegiate basketball team was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as athletes of fortune. If you have a tournament if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can compete with the A-Team.
Team Ten Team Ten is a team of sickly supervillains led by the dastardly dark lord Jake Paul. Created by the guy who Andrew Garfield played, in the “Social Network” to get revenge on the dude Jessie Eisenberg played for stealing Facebook, the attention they receive on the internet powers this team of malicious malcontents. Each of their world wide web based powers cause terrific trouble for the opposing teams easily duped defenses. Jake Paul grabs the opposing team’s attention with his wild ad-friendly antics, while forward Nick Crompton turns the audience against the opposition with his super social (media) skills. Win or lose, the team would put some pizazz back in March Madness.
The 1996 Chicago Bulls
The most frustrating thing about this year’s March Madness was the noticeable absence of the 1996 Chicago Bulls. Generally considered by sports scholars and drunk uncles to be the very best, like no one ever was, it was surreal to see them not qualify for this year’s tournament. With household names like Michael Jordan, Ron Harper and Ron Jeremy in their ranks, one would’ve expected them to at least make a splash this season. Adding to their misery, the team was unable to win an NBA title this year, making this the 22nd year in a row they have failed to bring glory back to Chicago. However, counting a team of that quality out of contention for anything is a mistake we haven’t made since 1995, expect them to come back strong next year.
.... and this one :/
oops forgot to sell this ad
ballz
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The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition
9
Monstars finally return Ethan Happ’s shooting skills after scrimmage with Badgers Mr. Carrots A veg Throughout an illustrious basketball career at Wisconsin Ethan Happ has received numerous accolades from making a 2017 All Big Ten Team with fellow Badgers Nigel Hayes and Bronson Koenig to winning the “2018 Last Man on a Sinking Ship Award” after these players left. But for years it has perplexed Badger fans how this otherwise perfect human being could stand at the free throw line and shoot two bricks — until now. As it turns out, Ethan Happ’s shooting abilities were stolen in 1996, the year Happ was born and the year the Monstars stole the basketball abilities of the NBA’s top players. While the Monstars returned powers to former NBA greats like Charles Barkley, Larry Bird and Patrick Ewing, they never bothered to return Happ’s Steph Curry-esque jump shot. Once Happ discovered this he gathered his teammates together to challenge the Monstars to return his
shooting abilities. The Badger’s high flying offense scored a season high in points as they crushed the Monstars in a 35-29 shootout. When asked about the victory Happ dismissed the notion that the Monstars were the Badgers toughest opponent this year. “Yeah they were tough, but we took down [Purdue’s] Isaac Haas earlier in the year and that dude’s thick,” Happ said. “No seriously he’s like two Monstars combined.” The biggest surprise in this contest may have been Brad Davison playing just weeks after undergoing shoulder surgery. Davison fought through a line medical physicians advising him against the return but ultimately reached the court to be the second leading scorer behind Happ in the game. Head coach Greg Gard also seemed thrilled that Happ’s abilities were returned and commented on the impact this should have on the Badgers next year.
“Being that the only two things I practice with these guys are free throws and not actually handing over the ball to the opposing team I’m glad that we shouldn’t have to worry about our best player shooting foul shots late in the game,” Gard said. “I could literally shoot blindfolded from 15 feet and hit more than 55 percent.” Barring any other intergalactic opponents the Badgers and sharpshooter Ethan Happ will open up their new season in November against some non-conference team that you’ve never heard of before.
Brad Davison is secretly MLB All Star Mike Trout!!!!! Danny Farmer County State Champion
While watching a recent spring training game for the Los Angeles Angels I was taken aback when out to bat third came University of Wisconsin men’s basketball star Brad Davison. How could this be? Davison should be recovering from the shoulder surgery he had just a few weeks prior, not playing pro ball in the middle of Arizona! Once the announcer uttered the words “Mike Trout up to bat” I immediately knew the answer. Davison never had the shoulder procedure and it is all part of a cover up to hide the fact that the seven year MLB veteran “Mike Trout” has masqueraded as a freshman college basketball player for
the past year. First, let’s look at the obvious. The Angels final 2017 game was October 1, giving Davison an entire month to prepare his transition into college ball for the Badgers November 1 opener against the University of Northern Iowa. Now why would Davison, after coming off his sixth straight All Star season want to change his focus from baseball and try out college basketball? Well, we all know Mike Trout, a New Jersey native, is an avid Philadelphia sports fan of teams not having to do with baseball like the NFL’s Eagles and NBA’s 76ers. But rather than join the pros Trout wanted to stay out of the spotlight and gain the college experience he
never had as he was playing minor league ball instead during those formative years. The solution, leaving Hollywood to anonymously join a more quiet Midwestern college team in the Wisconsin Badgers. The only problem was NCAA rules, pro athletes aren’t allowed to participate in college sports as they have lost their amateur classification. Trout couldn’t just play under the radar for the Badgers, he needed to take on an entire new identity as freshman guard Brad Davison. The season ended conveniently for Davison when the Badgers failed to make the NCAA Tournament, giving him enough time to participate in most of Angels’ spring training. His
disappearance from the campus spotlight would be explained by recovering from surgery for the supposed shoulder injury Davison was dealing with all season. Now, this is not to say Davison didn’t have any close calls. He was spotted supporting the Philadelphia Eagles at the Superbowl in Minneapolis on Feb. 4 just hours after his afternoon game versus Maryland that ended at 2 p.m. But the game didn’t start until 5:30 and flights from DC to Minneapolis are only two and a half hours, giving Davison an hour to spare in making the big game. And if anyone did recognize Davison in Minneapolis, he could always use the excuse that he was just “visit-
ing home” where he supposedly grew up in the suburb of Maple Grove. Davison could not be reached for comment as he has been busy traveling the past week for the Angels opening day series versus the Oakland Athletics.
New news 8
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The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition
THIS JUST IN: Courageous UW freshman removes screenshot of class schedule as lock screen background
WOOF WOOF/ THE DIRTY BIRD Hoe But Make It Fashion Crouton Critic On the eve of Week 10, heroic UW freshman Oliver Maloney cradled his knees to his chest, stomach churning. “Social sciences 6210,” he repeated quietly. “6210.” Maloney, son of Mandy and Rick Maloney, is among the few brave members of the University of Wisconsin Class of 2021 who will be removing a screenshot of his Spring 2018 semester schedule from his iPhone 6S background. Though Maloney has been grappling with this decision since Week 7, after taking a Week 6 tumble down a Humanities stairwell while aggressively dou-
ble-clicking his home screen button to check the room number for his discussion, he was forced to take action. This comes at a controversial moment in UW history, as the school cautions parents that more students than ever before plan to participate in what is increasingly seen as a political demonstration of student rights and autonomy. “Well, I know I have economics Monday and Wednesday, and I definitely have biology the same day, because I always get a chance to grab a meatball sub right before,” Maloney said. “I think its 30 minutes later. Or is it 45? Shit. How long do you think it takes me to eat a sub?” Reflecting on what has been a tumultu-
ous journey, Maloney fondly recalls navigating to his MyUW page, the satisfying “click” sound notification upon administering the screenshot and setting it as not only his lock screen, but also home screen, background. “I think it’s like, pretty important to keep it accessible on both screens, you feel me?” Maloney said. “But now it’s week 10. I got at least two of these five nailed down. And I can afford to miss three discussions per semester, anyways.” With five courses spanning three buildings and four days (Maloney has no class on Friday), Maloney has spent several hours poring over his screenshot, forcing himself to draw out his schedule from memory.
“But none of that 9:55 bullshit, though,” Maloney added. “Fuck it, I can be five minutes late.” He knows the road ahead will challenge him in ways he can hardly foresee. Maloney anticipates the pressure of relapse will be most powerful as he approaches his Anthro 104 discussion classroom, noting he has been compulsively triple checking the room number on the door every Tuesday afternoon (he is unsure exactly what time). “I do have a plan for those situations,” Maloney said. “Three words, twelve letters: drop that shit.” Maloney plans to change his background to a photo of his dog Kirby or perhaps his high school swim team.