The Dirty Bird 2019

A satirical publication

by The Badger Herald Insisting on our independence since 1895 - dirtybird.wisc.edu

The belly of Vilas

April Fools Day, 2019 (± a week)

YEP, ANOTHER HOT TAKE ON AOC!

St. Patricks Day recipes, just in time

This is a great story, you‛ll want to read the rest of it on page 9 I’m really exicted for you TO READ THIS STORY

Boy, this is a really important story. So important that it’s on our front page.

It’s rather long, which is why, if you’ll look to the end of this front page section, it continues onto page 9. Trust me, you’re definitely going to want to finish this story! The ending is the best part.

Now, as most stories go, we’re going to start at the beginning. It all started with a start, once upon a time, in a place.

Trust me, it all makes sense once you get to the end.

But before we get to the end, let’s go back to the beginning.

So, where were we? Oh, that’s right. The time and place, where it all began. Did I mention that the ending makes this whole story worth reading? Can’t wait for you to read that.

Okay, so the beginning is covered. Now let’s move on to the middle. What happens here is super exciting, but only after you come to finish the story can you truly appreciate the magnitude of these middle chapters. Again, can’t wait for you to reach the

end of this story.

So anyways, the middle sections of this story take place in a different place and a different time, but still closely related to those rather exciting beginning segments. One can only truly appreciate the full, comprehensive, nuanced, complicated magnitude of this monumental story once they reach the concluding segment, however. So we’ll keep going, with the hopes that we’ll arrive there soon.

Now that I mention it, I hope our news team remembered to put the remainder of this story in print. Would be rather embarrassing if we published a story that cut off in the middle and continued nowhere! I’m sure I’m just being neurotic, though. Can’t wait for you to reach the end of this exciting story. It really puts everything in context.

Okay, so now that we have the middle chapters covered it’s time to finish with a bang. It’s the part of the story we’ve all been waiting for. To set the scene: So I was sitting there, barbecue sauce on my — Please continue reading this story on page nine.

Tales from the deep: The Vilas Floods of 2019 Yes, we know it's April. Why do you ask?

A DIRTY BIRD I’m just happy to be here February 5 It’s been two days since the floods in Vilas began. Two days since I’ve been trapped in the Dirty Bird office, watching water ooze through the crack under our door while sand slowly trickles through an hourglass. Since I’ve become trapped, I’ve eaten nothing but a bag of stale Cheetos I found in my desk drawer, water, artificial dairy. And, of course, burning resentment.

When we reported on the flooding in the Chemistry building, I laughed. Foolish STEM majors with their puny experiments, and their labs that don’t involve sitting in a room and writing for three hours. Thinking that perhaps, with enough inductive methodology, they could emanate God. Such a blatant expression of divine karma would never manifest here in Vilas, I’d thought.

The almighty flood chooses its victim with discretion, and the Dirty Bird remains a pillar of social justice and ethical journalism.

The Office upon the Hill, if you may.

However, now I am the fool. We were next. The Dirty Bird, the last bastion of intellect and integrity on campus. Our print product is eight pages of hard-hitting news reporting, nuanced takes in opinion and heavily investigative, student-centered features — like the week where we finally revealed the best brunch spots near campus.

Our god is a vengeful one: not even an oxford comma could save us now.

As I sit back at my desk, I can’t help but wonder how we’ll ever continue — what if this torrent washes away our entire office?

The entire building? The Dirty Bird takes pride in our location. How else are we supposed to report campus stories from any-

where but the heart of campus itself?

Find an office off campus? Ridiculous.

“Rent” isn’t in our vocabulary. We keep our ties with students close, but our ties with the university closer.

However, I know in the end that no fire or flood can stop us. Our website can endure all forms of tangible massacre. In fact, it looks like it already has. But we have bigger problems than that now.

February 6 Since the floods began, I’ve banded together with several journalism school professors also trapped in the bowels of this winding labyrinth, this generic-brand Mosse Humanities. Together, we’ve foraged for snack foods and coffee, roaming the sprawling halls like stray cats. I truly have become a Dirty Bird, for I haven’t showered in a week.

Oh, how I yearn for short stack pancakes. Since we exposed them as the tastiest in Madison, I’ve hungered for their fluffy, buttery goodness. Instead, I eat more Cheetos. My milk-chugging ancestors would be disgusted, but it’s what this tragedy has reduced me to. I wonder how the STEM majors trapped in the chemistry building are faring. I’m sure it’s much worse. My communications curriculum has prepared me for disasters like this. I can only assume chemistry has no real-world applications.

February 7 Today, I bore witness to unspeakable things. We were forced to eat a beloved Wisconsin Public Radio producer.

February 8 Alas! I am saved! After nearly a week spent trudging through suspiciously-colored water trying to escape the depths of Vilas, my posse of journalism professors and I have been rescued by some friendly UWPD officers. Finally, I can rejoice — sunlight hits my face for the first time in ages and I know that, as I have always known in the deepest vestiges of my heart, only the highest tier journalism would prevail. Time to write this into a story.

I LOVE PHOTOSHOP / DIRTY BIRD

PLEASE, PLEASE

FOLLOW US

@thedirtybird.com The Dirty Bird

“Housed in university building... Pays no rent... Registered Student Organization... Funded by SSFC that one time... Independence!”

I hope ASM likes us 2

badgerherald.com/banter

The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition

Editor in Chief A granola bar Managing Editor

Thanks to one dedicated senior, Grainger Hall is disappearing before our very eyes Can you believe

this isn’t about ASM

me Print News Editor Chaotic font enthusiast Print Campus Editor Meredith McGlone Print City Editor as in Madison?

Print State Editor Both Sides Print Arts Editor TV Guide Print Sports Editor Someone probably Print Opinion Editor opinion@badgerherald.com Print Copy Editor Come again?

Print Graphics Department My name Jeff Print Photo Department Flickr Web Director Haha good one:) Digital News Editor Come on now

Sometime around the polar vortex the and the floodings of the Chemistry building and Vilas Hall, a Facebook page was created.

This page encouraged the students of UW Madison to band together and disassemble the Notorious Grainger Hall, home of the business school, brick-by-brick.

Most UW students I spoke to found the page amusing but quickly forgot about it. However, this was not the case for senior Ferguson Barker.

Barker has been removing bricks from Grainger every day since the page was created. Barker said that he spends anywhere from six to 10 hours a day dutifully taking Grainger apart.

“It’s a lot harder than it looks,” Barker said.

“What the Facebook page didn’t tell me was that each so-called brick is actually about 750 pounds.”

To make the task more manageable, Barker breaks each brick into smaller pieces using a sledgehammer.

Barker said that none of the business school students have heard him yet. His theory is that many of the students have actually lost their AirPods in their ear canals, impairing their hearing.

Barker was originally disappointed that no one

CHAD FROM APPLE SIGMA PIE / THE DIRTY BIRD

else showed up to the first day of disassembly.

“When I make a commitment I follow through, I knew the second I clicked that going button that I was going to devote the rest of my semester to this task,” Barker said. “I understand why other students haven’t joined me but I could really use some help.”

Almost no one has noticed Barker’s progress, although it has been substantial. Barker attributes this to Grainger’s unique architecture.

“No one can really tell

how much is missing but I’ve actually been able to remove about a fourth of the building,” Barker said. “If I continue at my current rate Grainger could be gone by homecoming.”

Barker is currently failing all of his classes as he has not attended a single one since the Facebook page was created. However, he is not worried, saying that his parents understand his mission and are supportive.

This kind of work ethic was instilled in Barker by his father, Claudius

Barker.

“I really am so proud of him for being committed to something so important,” Claudius Barker said.

Barker’s roommates are less understanding.

Barker said that they are constantly asking him why he is covered in concrete and why he keeps blowing all of his rent money on power tools.

Barker has no plans of stopping any time soon.

“It’s hard work but somebody has to do it,” Barker shouted over the roar of his power drill.

Digital Campus Editor ASM Digital State Editor Unlikely Digital Arts Editor Netflix Digital Sports Editor Pass Digital Opinion Editor oped@badgerherald.com Digital Copy Editor Still unsure what this means?

Digital Graphics Department is my passion Digital Photo Department UW Madison Photo Library

This will fix everything: University Health Services to offer new ‘do-it-yourself’ programming Awaiting a UHS correction THE DIRTY BIRD

Faced with understaffing issues, UHS has announced a restructuring plan for its Mental Health Services. The department plans to cut traditional services, such as individual counseling, and instead direct students to its newly implemented “Do-It-Yourself” treatment method, centered around complimentary face masks, scented candles, and ice cream.

UHS’s understaffing is due in part to its poor employee retention rate. A former UHS counselor explained that he left his job because “he found listening to sad students all day to be, like, sort of a bummer.”

UHS’s newly appointed director is leading the charge towards the department’s restructuring.

“The first thing I did was hang a sign above the door that says ‘Good Vibes Only.’ When a student starts going off on some depressing shit, I just point at the sign,” the director said, confidently assuring the face masks and candles were only the beginning.

“I’m trying to secure funding from the university to allow us to subsidize Netflix accounts for those students who need a little more motivation to spend more time in their room and less in my office,” the director said.

However, she also confessed that she’s “not trying to go so far that [she]

puts [herself] out of a job.”

“If these students were to find out about the powers of herbal tea or a bubble bath... it’s over for me,” the director said.

Adjustments have also been made to UHS’s 24 Hour Emergency Hotline.

“We realized it was equally effective if we replaced the current phone operators with a robot programmed to respond to statements of distress with, ‘It really do be like that sometimes,’” the director told me.

An anonymous patient spoke highly of UHS’s new approach to mental health.

“I can’t believe all the time and money I’ve wasted on therapy over the years when all it took was a $4 cucumber face

mask to turn my whole life around,” the patient said.

The UHS Events Coordinator said he plans to supplement efforts with a variety of free mental health workshops. Experts in the field will lecture on a host of topics, including “How to air out your depression on Twitter, but like, in a funny way,” “An article my mom once saw on Facebook about how you just need to drink more water,” and “How to convince guests your apartment isn’t always this much of a mess.”

Workshops will cover LGBTQ related topics as well, with essentials such as, “So you hate your dad,” “Grindr: replace feelings of emptiness with sex!” and “Maybe try bleaching your hair again?”

badgerherald.com/banter

Do u think they like us?

The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition

3

PR stunt gone wrong: Sam Has Mentos is at his breaking point DJ Khaled

sorry my concert was a let-down

According to Madison Police Department reports, Sam Has Mentos was found passed out at a party just off Mifflin Street last Thursday, reportedly with a pack of Orange Trident Layers gum in his hands.

The incident was reported to UW Madison police and investigations are underway.

Apparently, Sam has been seen at various parties on several occasions since his short stint as a UW celebrity.

COP / THE DIRTY BIRD

According to official records, his full name is Samuel Has Mentos, but he is known as Sam Has Mentos for short. It was a rather perfect fit for a partnership with Mentos gum, but all good things must come to an end.

Sam says he just cannot take it anymore. Following in the footsteps of countless child stars before him, Sam’s fall was as quick as his rise to an early fame.

“It’s just too much,” Sam said.

“Just too much.”

Trying to cope with it, Sam says he is over the entire Mentos ‘fad.’ He said he actually prefers the taste of Trident.

“Trident is just so much better. IDK [sic] why I even went for the Mentos thing,” Sam said.

Mentos, however, has since expressed their regrets at ever having partnered with Sam Has Mentos.

“We didn’t know being such a short-term star would have this effect on Sam Has Mentos,” their spokesperson said. “When we chose him, we thought he could handle the mentos brand.

Apparently he cannot.”

They also stated they will be here for Sam has mentos should he choose to do the right thing – admit he was wrong and that Mentos is better than Trident.

The Dirty Bird will keep the story updated as information comes in.

Solidarity for the win: Vine-literate students save dairy farming thanks to ‘He Need Some Milk’ resurgence A literal cow wrote this Click clack moo

The dairy industry, facing downturns for years, has seen a sudden uptick as woke, meme-literate UW students chug milk in solidarity with the “he needs some milk” man, popularized on Vine.

After facing an untimely death in 2017, Vine received mass attention, with compilations of the six-second videos populating YouTube. The national “March for Vine,” held appropriately on 4/20, drew over fifty thousand stoner youth, all with individual meme Instagram pages, in Washington, D.C. The specific vine in question features a man having a public freakout.

One woman filming speculates that he may be high on synthetic marijuana, and the other suggests that “he needs some milk” as he falls and seizes on the concrete floor.

How milk became a cure for dissociative drug overdoses remains a mystery. Speculation suggests that the white coloring, resembling cocaine, is comforting to resident drug kingpins (a.k.a. stoner Brad on your floor, who is a mediocre pot dealer).

It has also been suggested that for milk-chugging teens, milk brings inner peace and has the strength to align chakras and rebalance one’s soul.

For students of “UW-Madison Memes for Milk-Chugging Teens,” chugging in solidarity was not even a question. Hundreds of memes, (o) (c), flooded the page in support of the “he needs some milk” man. Videos of students brazenly chugging gallons

oops forgot to sell this ad

DOES THIS MAKE MY NOSE LOOK BIG? / THE DIRTY BIRD

(and then yakking by Witte) went up.

“Haha” reacts poured in.

The unintended beneficiaries, however, are the farmers that have long struggled in Wisconsin.

Economic downturns in the dairy sector have plagued farmers in Wisconsin for years. But as milk flies from the shelves, it seems that now, “he”

isn’t the only one who needs some milk. Gordon’s Dining Hall reported a 75 percent increase in the sales of dairy products (with most of that coming from the quesadillas).

The Dirty Bird, of course, stands in solidarity with the overworked dairy cows. That sounds sufficiently politically correct.

Lukewarm takes

4

badgerherald.com/banter

The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition

You asked for it: Another freshman’s take on AOC Geography is a social construct Local relevancy is a myth

Wisconsin has our own representatives. Ones who are probably doing important and newsworthy things. But we like millennial firebrand, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-New York City, so here is another opinion on what the Instagram famous politician is doing today.

Unlike Rep. Mark Porkan, D-Madison, Ocasio-Cortez is making serious headway for the Democratic party in Washington. In the short time she’s been in office, Ocasio-Cortez has introduced her Green New Deal and oth-

er important pieces of legislation, but more importantly she has social media.

Ocasio-Cortez has been attacked for her social media usage in the worst way possible; people have compared her to Donald Trump.

But the biggest difference between Trump and Ocasio-Cortez (besides everything) is that, as a millennial, Ocasio-Cortez actually knows how to use social media.

Ocasio-Cortez, or as the people call her, AOC, has used social media to her advantage, which is good.

While Trump overshares and

is mean on Twitter, AOC’s live streams are great for connecting with the young constituents.

AOC’s particular brand of connection is exactly what we need and all politicians should follow her lead — because something that works for one politician will definitely work for everyone.

AOC will change the face of politics as we know it.

The fact that Wisconsin has its own representatives doesn’t escape us. We know.

But we just had a hard time finding content relevant to our campus, city, or even our state this week so… here’s a take no one asked for about

AOC. People think AOC’s political goals are unattainable, and they might be. But AOC is determined and with her Instagram followers behind her, she can probably reach some of them. Either way, people should stop being mean to her.

AOC is a queen after all, even if you don’t really like her. She’s become a representative figure of the new generation in politics and she’s using that to her advantage.

She’s definitely the only one, too. All the other new representatives, no matter how trailblazing they may be, are not, after all, AOC.

Letter to the Editor: I can’t stop shitting my pants because of all the dairy on this campus We truly don’t care if The Badger Herald published this weeks ago Dear The Editor, Living as a lactose-intolerant Wisconsinite has always been hard. Growing up, I couldn’t have the milk cartons at lunch like my classmates. I could never get the cheese curds at the county fair. Only at one high school party did I succumb to peer pressure and try Rumchata. That night ended for me like it does for many other irresponsible high school partiers — semi-conscious in the bathroom as I shit my brains out.

I’ve had to deal with being anti-dairy in the Dairy State my whole life. But I had hoped when I came to college, I would find more support for my people. Instead, what I found was extreme, pervasive milk-chugging culture.

Picture this: I’m a freshman attending my first Sigma Apple Pie party. I descend the poorly lit steps into the sticky basement, excited to slam some Burnett’s shots and chug some KüL Light.

But what I find, instead, is Milk. Milk Everywhere. Milk Pong. People chugging from the Milk bong. Milk Flip Cup. I immediately started shitting my pants.

Milk-chugging culture has only become worse since my first semester here, and it needs to come to an end. That’s why I have formed the student group, Lactose Intolerants Intolerant of Lactose Intolerance Intolerance. We aim to:

1. Raise awareness of lactose intolerance, dairy allergies and general milk aversion on campus. Not everyone knows some people can’t digest lactose!

2. Shut down Babcock Dairy. We recognize most students are just cogs in the capitalist dairy machine, so we need to dig deeper.

Babcock Dairy is the oppressive capitalist corporation at the root of the issue. They must be stopped.

3. Foster cranberry-juice-chugging culture on campus. Not only would this be more inclusive of dairy/lactose-sensitive Badgers, but it would also prevent urinary tract infections, because we all know Badgers are more prone to UTIs than any other animal (click here to learn more).

I am calling on all lactose intolerants, dairy allergics, vegans and anti-dairy allies to join our cause. At the very least, next time you share a milk-chugging meme, think before you post.

Mitchell Ilkman (milkman@wisc.edu) is junior studying dairy science. How has the milk-chugging culture on campus impacted you? Send all comments straight up your ass.

THIS PICTURE MADE ME SHIT MY PANTS / THE DIRTY BIRD

FELLAS, BE HONEST. IS THIS GAY?

Dumpster Fire

badgerherald.com/banter

The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition

5

Squawk: The Dirty Bird endorses Paul Soglin’s dogs for upcoming April 2 election

Hornibrook decides to stay in Madison, lead cup-stacking team Your 8th grade gym teacher County State Champion

Former Wisconsin Football quarterback Alex Hornibrook announced late last evening he is rescinding his decision to transfer to Florida State University and instead intends to lead a new team in Madison.

Hornibrook will lead the newly-formed D1 Wisconsin Speed Stacking team with direction from legendary head coach Barry Alvarez.

“I am so grateful to Florida State for thinking I’m still good at football, but cup stacking is my passion and I am elated to begin a new Wisconsin tradition with Coach Alvarez,” Hornibrook tweeted.

We really don’t have any additional sources for this article, but we’ll fill it with speculation anyway because that’s how the Dirty Bird runs.

Cupstacking’s classic competitive events include the 3-3-3, 3-6-3, and the “cycle.” Each refers to the number of cups per pyramid needed to be stacked in a round.

While it is often debated if cup stacking is more of an art or a sport, it is clear Hornibrook’s abilities have strong advantages and weaknesses in the field. Let’s take a look-see at his prospects.

Assessing: Speed Obviously, you can’t stack well without pure speed (and not slamming your hands too hard on the sensor so that the pad breaks. The writer of this piece may have done that in their past glory days of competitive speed stacking in 6thgrade gym class).

We’ve seen Hornibrook get overwhelmed by speed many-a-time in Camp Randall, yet we aren’t focusing on what really matters here — his hands. The whole rest of the body can be slow in the sport of speed stacking, but nimble hands will assure a successful “cycle”. Given the speed of the ball when it fumbles out of his hands, it seems Hornibrook possesses speed in his hands.

Grade: BC Assessing: Geometry There are shapes in cup stacking. For example, a pyramid.

Hornibrook has already proven that he can understand shapes, given that he is set to graduate from Wisconsin in May. I think pretty much everyone here knows shapes. That might not be true for Minnesota’s cup team, so we’ll give him a good grade.

Grade: A Assessing: Accurapretty cool, right? / THE DIRTY BIRD cy An often overlooked aspect of the “cycle” ing for me to pull up the is the crucial, accurate numbers, but I think touching of the cup tips he made quite a few to the stacking mat. One boo-boo’s with accurate can easily have their passes, leading to intertime disqualified if they ceptions. This doesn’t forget to touch just the bode well for the critical tip of the cup to the mat. points of cup accuracy.

The cup stacking mat is Grade: Do we do C- at not to be confused with UW? Lemme ask my pal any other mats or Matts.

Gary Since this is an obvious analogous statistics, we Assessing: Knee Bendcan turn to hornibrook’s ing touchdown to intercepCup stacking takes tion ratio to gauge accu- place on a table. That racy. The screen of the means, you have to benESPN website isn’t load- dy bend to stack the cup-

py cups. Hornibrook’s 6’ 4” stature requires a big bendy bend of the knees to reach cup height.

Luckily, injury records indicate Hornibrook has never suffered a ACL tear, so this is looking fly.

Grade: A golden Bucky Assessing: Color Choices Picking the perfect cup stacking set is individualized and has nothing to do with a designated team color. Hornibrook is used to having a uni-

form designate his color scheme for him. However, we know Hornibrook sometimes suffers with picking colors. Wearing a white polo to a Metallica concert is a choice, but it doesn’t seem to lead to a scenario where Hornibrook picks a fly color for his cup set, like glowin-the-dark.

Grade: D Overall Grade: Cup-Stacking Sensation

rats 6

badgerherald.com/banter

The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition

St. Patrick’s Day is just around the corner Potato

Irish Coffee

Potato

Corned Beef and Cabbage

Ingredients: 1 cup of freshly brewed coffee Ingredients: 1 tablespoon brown 1 Corned Beef sugar 2 Cabbages 1 shot of Irish whiskey Instructions: Heavy cream, slightCombine all ingre- ly whipped dients on a serving More whiskey platter. Serve.

Instructions: 1.

Blend coffee, Irish Brown Bread brown sugar and whiskey.

Ingredients: 2. Top with cream 1 Car 3. Set aside 1 Nearby bakery 4. Drink the whis$5 key straight

TOP RIGHT: THIS IS WHAT YOIR IRISH COFFEE SHOULD LOOK LIKE / THE DIRTY BIRD

BOTTOM LEFT: THAT’S WHAT YOUR BROWN BREAD SHOULD LOOK LIKE / THE DIRTY BIRD

BOTTOM RIGHT: THAT’S WHAT YOUR CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE SHOULD APPEAR LIKE / THE DIRTY BIRD

Instructions: 1. Get in your car 2. Drive to the bakery 3. Buy the brown bread 4. Bring it home 5. Put it in the oven right before guests arrive 6. Tell everyone you made it

Didn’t get a press pass to this one but here’s a Spotify playlist of what we missed!

At least I didn’t fall asleep this time

oops forgot to sell this ad also

.... and this one :/

capybara

badgerherald.com/banter

The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition

7

I’m the Rats Editor so I NEVER get to write about capybaras!

Rats Editor

Sorry about this one!

So basically no one applied to be rats editor this semester so I jumped ship on my previous section (RIP Style & Lifes) to come here.

One downside to being the Rats editor is that I never get to talk about capybaras. This is a consistent pattern in my life since the first grade. Miss Miller wanted us to pick an animal from the rainforest to give a report on. Having snatched my brother’s quantum LEAPPAD learnin’ device, I learned about this real cool large rodent called the capybara. It def lived in rainforests. I was super excited to tell Miss Miller, but four days after my capy-confession, she revealed she did not have enough information available on the capybara for me to write about it. Yes, these were the primitive days when Ask. com was a seemingly better search engine than Google. Heartbroken, I had to write on tigers in-

stead.

I am sick and tired of the capybara being overlooked. They are rodents as well! Capybaras will not get confused for rats tho, since they are longer.

To check, I went to Ask.com for more info. So literally the capybara can grow to be four-anda-half feet long. That’s like a foot shorter than me. Rats could never.

Capybaras split their time chillin’ on the land and kickin’ it in the sea. Take that surf and turf.

Capybaras also kind of sound like “copy of bears.” I would like to prove this untrue.

Capybaras are definitely still friendly rodents in the same family as Bugs and Mickey, not Yogi. It is wrong to presume anything else but this truth on capybaras.Capybaras mainly feast on grasses and aquatic plants. Yummy yummy, very Keto-friendly.

Did you know it’s legal in the US to own a capybara as a pet? Yes that’s right, you can own your own capybara. They are very sweet animals, so they are a natural fit if you need an emotional support animal. Capybaras are not solitary animals, however, so make sure to buy two if you want to be a capybara owner. Wisconsin, luckily, is one of five states where dangerous exotic animal can be kept as pets even, so capybaras definitely are good here.

I would love to see a capybara tap dance.

That’s an opinion and not a fact, but I can include it since this is my report.

I do doth protest being named Rats editor without acknowledge of the capybara, hence why I wrote this.

OH? I’m “ARTS” editor? Ok. I said what I said.

DON’T APPROACH THIS MAN / THE DIRTY BIRD

Have you heard these songs? Check them out!

Jason Mraz

MUSIC COLUMNIST

As someone who regularly wears a fedora and snaps instead of claps, I consider myself to be sufficiently alternative.

So that’s why I’m super excited to introduce you all to these songs that I just discovered. I can almost guarantee you haven’t heard of them before, so you can thank me later ;).

1. thank u, next

This song came on to the scene just last year, but I’m honestly surprised more people haven’t discovered it.

The artist, Ariana Grande, starts by listing a bunch of men.

No one can really be sure why, but I’m willing to venture a guess that she used to date them.

She then goes on to say she’s

thankful for them. Now here’s where it gets really interesting: She says she’s dating someone new, whose name is Ari. One can never be sure in these things, but some have gone so far as to say that she’s referring to herself. I think we can all agree that’s bologna.

Pretty cool, right? I’m not sure where you can listen to this song yourself, I just heard a girl on the bus singing it and insisted that she recite all the lyrics to me. From what I’ve gathered, it’s hard to find a streaming service that carries this song.

2. Despacito

This one’s super cool. Here’s a life hack I’ll let you all in on: It really helps if you know Spanish when listening to this song!

You’re welcome.

There’s not much else to say about this song, and the next one definitely doesn’t need an explanation.

3. Fergie’s Rendition of the National Anthem

We decided to mix things up for this one and pick a patriotic song. If Ariana Grande and Daddy Yankee deserve a shoutout here, then the old stars-and-stripes deserve their own quarter page!

Fergie took this old classic in a really interesting direction. For some reason, no one’s too much notice of this reinvigorating rendition of a song that, to be honest, needed a revamp.

We give this song a solid seven! Check it out wherever you’re likely to find it.

Wanderlust ;) 8

badgerherald.com/banter

The Badger Herald’s Dirty Bird Edition

Welcome back dirty birbs!

We hope you all had a great spring break. Here’s what our staff got up to:

Ahh, a nice refreshing drink on the beach!

Our ASM news editor went to Paris! Lightning is a little weird, but it’s so so pretty!

Our copy editor saw pink elephants in DeForest!

Cute pic of our staff on spring break together!

Our rats editor loves a nice balcony view!

Our life&style editor loves the beach!

Ahh, a nice refreshing drink in the shower!

Our photo editor took this, can’t remember where tho!

It’s a little blurry, but scenery is so pretty!

Our food editor had some great meals on vacation!

We love a cityscape! Felt cute, might delete later