6 minute read
Chapter 5 Debbie’s Story
Chapter 5
Advertisement
Debbie’s Story
I am delighted to be able to share my recovery journey with you and hopefully, it will reach someone or even inspire some hope. I am originally from Ballymun, where I was born and raised. I have fond memories of Ballymun and it always had a great sense of community. I am the eldest of four children and my mam and dad separated when I was a teen. I spent a lot of time with my gran and grandad as home life wasn’t great with alcohol and domestic violence a regular occurrence. The time spent in my granny and grandads was today, I believe, my saving grace. It gave me a place to feel safe and protected.
My Mam and Dad done the best with what they had. From my own childhood experiences, living in that environment wasn’t the greatest start and my attitude towards alcohol was that I would never drink myself. Growing up, I loved school and I was always eager to learn. I had dreams of becoming an actress and my plan was to finish school and go on to college. After primary school, I went into secondary and whatever happened, I started to act out in class and ditch school. It was then that I started drinking and peer pressure didn’t help. Alcohol made me feel like everything was ok and all the fear I was carrying around with me was gone. I was no longer worried, which I spent most of my time doing.
Following the alcohol, which was every weekend, came cannabis, ecstasy and cocaine. I would do this regularly at weekends and that went on for few years. This recreational use of drugs became the norm. My gran died when I was 17. At the same time, my brother was now strung out on heroin along with 3 of my cousin’s (2 of these are now dead due to overdose). I hated that they took heroin and my attitude to that was like my attitude towards alcohol, but I found myself taking it anyway, convincing myself I was only going to take it one time; what was all the fuss about. Today through hindsight, I firmly believe that my addiction to heroin was trauma-induced.
I became completely dependent on the substance. My journey with drugs went on for several years, over 20, in fact. It was a miserable 20 years and I became broken not just externally but most importantly, internally. I always thought I would go to college, meet a partner and travel the world. I had big dreams for myself, but all that was smashed.
I tried several times to get clean and change my life. Each time I tried it, I would say to myself just one more time and then I will stop. Each time I ended up back at square one. I was on heroin, crack, methadone and this led me to hostels, clinics, treatment centres, psychiatrists and the list goes on. I could go on all day about the misery, hopelessness and loneliness, but I try not to focus on that. The bottom line is I never gained anything, I just lost everything.
Finally, about 7 years ago, I had enough for the last time. I was living with a partner for a few years and we were both on the miserable merry go round of using, finding ways and means to get drugs and generally just living in chaos. My mind was louder than before. No matter how much drugs I took, I couldn’t escape the thoughts of a better life. The drugs had stopped numbing the pain. It wasn’t getting easier; it was just getting worse. I spent my time thinking about ways to take my own life.
My brother and sister had both got into recovery and both had good lives, jobs, families, all the stuff I’d been dreaming about. Without realising it, they were what attracted me to recovery. I knew if they could do it, then so could I. I just didn’t 22 know-how. I finally reached out to a family member who kindly took me into her home and allowed me to stay there for as long as I needed. I am fortunate to have, as I said, some family in recovery who rallied around me and directed me to different places to get help. They were always in the background, but now I was willing to do something as opposed to seeing myself as a victim of my environment or misfortunes.
I started a day programme and while I was there, I planned with a key worker how I was going to get stable and eventually get clean. I followed it for the most part with a few slips from time to time. It took me 17 months to get stable and reduce my use. It was a slow process, and in it, I got healthy and stable. In this day programme, I was introduced to meetings and I began to go regularly. I saw a lot of people, some who I knew from active addiction and they had completely changed. They were happy and looked free. They had jobs and partners. They travelled to different countries. This was the life I wanted and I was going to get it.
So, I did. I eventually got into a detox bed and got clean from all substances. I went on to further residential treatment for 3 months. I continued to a recovery house and did a follow-up day programme. These were all necessary steps for me to take to keep my focus on the end game, to stay clean and get a life I always wanted.
When I finished up in the day programme, I got a part-time job and I applied to go back to college to get an education as I truly believe that education is the way forward. It is something I always said I would go back to do and I did. I am in my final year of an honours degree. That is a huge achievement for me and where I have come from. I have grown up in recovery. I have good relationships with my family members and a small circle of good friends. I have learned to have healthy boundaries and I value myself today. I walked around with my head down for years. I don’t do that today. Instead, I hold my head high and I’m proud of who I am. I know what I bring to the table and I am always happy to help someone else.
I have everything I wanted when I was younger and more. I have my own home, a loving partner and a job. I have a good life because I made a choice to put the action and hard work into getting clean, working on myself through counselling and meetings and helping others. I hope that this story inspires someone who is in the same hopeless place I lived in for way too long. The message is you can recover and you will, but it starts with the decision to stop and continues with action. Go get it! •
