9 minute read
Chapter 9 Philip’s Story
Chapter 9
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Philip’s Story
I am a recovering addict and I am grateful for this opportunity to tell you a little bit about my journey of recovery. I was in and out of recovery for 17 years. I was born and grew up in Ballymun. I was a middle child and I was always seeking love and attention because one brother got the praise and the other brother got the attention and I was always seeking it and it did not happen. My first addiction was my mind and I still identify with that today. It is our mind that creates the problem.
I grew up in a violent home. My Mother was an alcoholic and my Da was the worker and eventually, I didn’t feel that I belonged or was part of that family. I had to separate myself from my Mother. I found refuge on the street corner with the lads. I felt comfortable there more than anything. The lads were a lot older than me. I was only 12 and they were in their teens or twenties. It was not long before I started running riot in the community. That is where I went to; that’s where I sought my refuge at the time. My Mother left us, left my Da to raise me and my brothers, we were all very young. He had to go and work, and we had to get up and go to school, but I didn’t go to school.
Instead, I went to the streets and I got into alcohol, criminality and I started testing the waters. Eventually, the E scene came around. I did the gargling thing, but I didn’t like it. I wasn’t a drinker. I didn’t like the taste of it and also because I had seen the family dynamics that were created with alcoholism. I moved on to something else - E’s and hash. I was bouncing in and out of the rave scene. By then, I was a young lad of 16 or 17 and I would see the lads smoking. I thought it was a joint, but low and behold; I realised it was heroin and I tried it, but I didn’t like it. I heard about methadone; it was brown Phy at the time; that’s how long ago it was.
When I took my first sup of methadone, my first thought was - I have arrived! I got that ease and comfort through methadone that I was looking for all my life. It made me the type of person I thought I was. It gave me confidence and self-belief. It allowed me to interact with people that I thought I couldn’t previously interact with because of that middle child syndrome that I carried that with me all my life. My relationship with methadone escalated to the point where I had to go to my Da and tell him about my use of methadone at the age of 16. He broke down and we had to go up to Domville House(HSE Methadone Clinic) and sign a form to put me on what was the young smoker’s programme at the time with a doctor. 12 years later, I was still on that methadone and not a tooth in my head going into recovery.
At this point I was homeless and involved in everything that comes with it, the criminality. I was in and out of prison. I did 6 stints in Cuan Dara from the age of 21 to 28 before I finally got it. I went in for other people, I didn’t go in for myself. To be honest, I went in to keep people happy to have them off my back. It was a rest period to put on a bit of weight. Eventually, the penny dropped when I was in my late twenties and I was sitting in a homeless shelter on my own and I was contemplating suicide, looking for a way out. I was in and out of meetings, but the penny didn’t drop then. Eventually, I said to myself; I have no one around me. My family was gone, so I went to a very good woman that looked after me all my life in Ballymun. She was like a mother to me and she said to me, “What do you really want in life”? She sat me down and for the first time in my life, I really looked at myself and asked myself, “am I worth it”? Self-belief began to come into play.
I decided to give recovery a shot. I was 28 and it was hard work and a hard struggle. It took me 18 months to detox just to get to the required dose to go into treatment because I was taking so much methadone. I was at the highest dose in the clinic, yet I was coming outside and buying 500mls a day. That’s how bad my drug use had escalated to and I didn’t see a difference in it because I didn’t believe I was an addict because methadone was prescribed. I didn’t use intravenously and I didn’t smoke “gear”, so I didn’t see myself as an addict.
Eventually, I went to Cuan Dara for the 8th time at 28 and I decided to go to rehab treatment, something I never did. I now believe that rehab is the most important part of your recovery. In detox, you are just drawn out, you are left vulnerable and you are thrown back out to society. That was the biggest mistake I had made in the 7 times previous to that. I got the opportunity to go to Keltoi and I looked at myself, really looked at myself. Eventually, my family started coming up to me, and they told me a few home truths. Before this, I blamed everyone else bar myself. Through my addiction, I was like a tornado through people’s lives and I couldn’t see it. It’s that boomerang effect; it came back to bite me all the time.
On the 8th time, I went to Keltoi, and I did a 2-year aftercare programme. I really, really, got stuck in. I really gave myself the opportunity this time around. I finished the 2 year aftercare programme but most importantly, within that – I looked at myself. The inner child sort of stuff. That little boy was nurtured for once in his life because I was 28, living with a 12 year old boy mindset. I didn’t have the concept of growing up, but now, I had to grow up. I was 28 years of age and I did a lot of healing and a lot of forgiving. I had to forgive myself, which is the most important thing for me today. Yes I had found a solution and I needed a solution in recovery because my way didn’t work. I found that through the 12 step programme in CA. It’s based on the ‘Big Book’ of Alcoholics Anonymous. It tells you in the introduction that it doesn’t matter what you use or how you used it. I thought that because I didn’t drink alcohol, why would I use the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous but I can say now it saved my life. I developed an understanding and I am not afraid to say that today, I go down on my hands and knees and I pray. I lookout for the newcomer because the steps are about helping other people and that’s laid my foundation.
Unfortunately and regrettably, I eventually separated myself from the fellowship because I thought I was cured. That came spiralling down on me because I was going through relationship problems and my father had dementia and I became his primary carer. I was trying to do all these things on my own – my mind was rampant, mental and I eventually got struck down with a serious illness myself and I had to go in for an operation.
The ‘Book’ talks about the doctor, the doctor’s opinion and I blamed that doctor because he told me 6 weeks previous to the operation that I would have to go on painkillers. My mind went straight away to 6 weeks down the line and I knew I was going to use. I was going along about my business and when it came to the operation, I was broken and he put me on painkillers and the moment I took that painkiller, it just brought me back to that methadone era. I was going through a lot of stuff at the time. It gave me that shield that I needed, the armour. Instead of reaching out because that’s all I had to do - was reach out to other people in recovery but my mind separated me because I was so long clean. Before I knew it, I was going to chemists buying painkillers. I became reliant on 4 or 5 boxes of these a day.
That lasted for 18 months. I had relapsed and I lost my family again. Everything I had built up in recovery but it made me the person I am today. I am 2 years sober today. I pray every day, I meditate, I reach out to newcomers and I go to meetings. The fellowship is my family today. When I first came into the fellowship I had nothing but a bag on my back. It’s not like that today. I have a beautiful apartment; I have my child back in my life and I am back in my own community and I am giving back in my own community and that’s all I want. I love giving back to my community because I had ransacked this community. I had blamed my Mother for my addiction. I got the opportunity to go back and apologise to my Mum because I knew she was an addict. I now had that concept of compassion because I know what an addict does to survive addiction.
My Mum was an addict just like myself, so I forgive her today, but I only got a short time with my Mum because she passed away, but I got the best 6 months of my life with her. Recovery is beautiful at times, but it can also be hard. I try to keep life simple that’s the reality of it. Prayer and meditation and I can’t emphasise how much the meetings mean to me. Helping the newcomer is important because without the 12-step programme, I would still be on the streets. It took another addict to find me on the street corner over 2 and a half years ago to bring me back to meetings and I am really grateful to that person. I keep in regular contact with him.
For anyone that is struggling with drug use today, I would say to you to reach out. I understand that it’s hard to reach out, but there are resources and people in the community who want to help. I remember seeing another person who was in recovery and I saw the life he now had, and I was attracted to that. I can’t overemphasise how much the 12- step programme has worked for me, but there’s a lot of other resources in the community that will help you. and after; they really helped me out. I love giving back to the community, it’s also very rewarding. Life at the moment is good. I hope that my story can inspire others and my advice to those that are struggling in your drug use is to just reach out. •
