4
OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
48
THE BALTIMORE JEWISH HOME
JANUARY 27, 2022
Teen Talk
By Rabbi Doniel Drandoff, LMFT
Dear Teen Talk,
I have a big problem, and I don’t know how to help myself. Simply put, I am awkward. It’s hard for me to remember exactly when I became aware of
Teen Talk , column in
a new
TJH, is geared to wards the teens in o ur commu nity. Answered by a rotati ng roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians , an d peers (!), te ens will b e hearing answers to many que stions the had perco y lating in th eir minds wished th an d ey had th e answers for.
this, but it had to be sometime in middle school. What is awkward about me? Everything! I always say inappropriate things to people in social situations, so I usually avoid them all together. People are always pointing out buttons missing from my uniform or a tear in my skirt. Why don’t I notice? Oh, and I am clumsy, too. My parents think I am the greatest kid ever. They adore me and would never understand my feelings about myself. They think I am beautiful and smart and see my good grades as a sign that all is well. They even view my clumsiness as being cute and “part of my charm.” But you know what? I’d rather not be cute or charming! Why can’t I just be normal?
B A LT I M O R E J E W I S H H O M E . C O M
-Baila, 16
B
aila, the most important message I want you to hear loud and clear is that you are perfectly normal. I am so sorry that you feel so down on yourself. I know that it can be really embarrassing to feel clumsy or spacy. And it makes you feel like you have to avoid any type of social gathering. But I want to share some insights, and some advice, that may ease your mind and begin to help you see yourself in a completely different light. The first thing that sticks out from your letter is your perception that “everything” is awkward about you. Now, surely there are qualities that you possess which are not awkward! I also noticed the words “always” and “never” a few times. 1. Step one is to recognize the allor-nothing, black-and-white extreme thinking. Very often such extreme
thinking is rooted in perfectionism. Do you find that you often hold yourself to a very high standard? You make mention of your good grades. I am willing to bet that you are very studious and that you do very well in school. I am also willing to bet that when your teacher returns your test with an excellent score of 99%, your immediate thought is, “What happened to the other 1%?!” You should know that this kind of thinking is not uncommon, but that at its root it is a sign of black and white thinking. Perfectionism is dangerous because perfection is an unattainable goal. If our goals are impossible to reach, we will be living in a constant state of disappointment and perceived inferiority, so it is really important to have goals that are
fair and realistic. When Yaakov Avinu was on his way to Charan, the Torah tells us of the dream he had. Hashem showed Yaakov Avinu a vision of a sulam mutzav artza v’rosho magiya hashamayma, a ladder planted on the ground with its top reaching the heavens. There is so much to be said about this incredible parsha of Yaakov Avinu’s dream. However, I want to focus on the nature of the ladder, particularly the way the Torah describes it. The top is in heaven, but it is firmly planted on earth. As the saying goes, have your head in the clouds and your feet firmly planted on the ground! Hashem is giving Yaakov Avinu an eitzah, a mission, as he is heading into the world to face Lavan. Keep yourself grounded! You must have lofty goals
