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Parenting Pearls
Parenting Pearls “I Don’t Know the Answer”
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
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I’ve always found it strange when I hear that Jewish youngsters are told, “We don’t ask that kind of question” about Judaism. When I was a teenager, more than a few years ago, I was always taught by my Judaic studies teachers that we should feel comfortable to ask any question we wanted. Even if any given teacher or rabbininc figure didn’t know the answer, the answer existed. As Torah being both the eternal truth and divine in origin, the answers to everything were there; we weren’t meant to shortchange our curiosity. I’ve felt this attitude was a gift I was given at such an impressionable age.
I remember the excitement when my morah reached a certain Rashi. She was about to teach us one of her favorite Rashis, and her emotion was contagious. Rashi, as is common, had a question. Rashi’s response was “I don’t know.” This is one of a few such Rashis in the Torah. To her, this was the height of both humility and the desire for emes. Rashi could have skipped the question, but the truth required Rashi to acknowledge that a question existed on that pasuk. Rashi was willing to put down for generations that he had a question, yet didn’t know the answer.
Many years have passed since I was in high school. While some of my teachers are still there teaching; many are not. Despite the passage of time and turnover of staff, this is one of the lessons I’ve retained from my years spent between those walls.
In this article, I’d like to focus on how to respond when a child asks a question, and you don’t know the answer. Spoiler alert: I’m not going to suggest lying or mocking the child’s question.
I do think this might generate a bit of controversy, which I generally avoid, but I don’t think anything I’m saying is too far out there. Also, I’ve been disturbed by the idea that children can have real questions and not be taken seriously. Hopefully, this article will give some ideas and a little food for thought in case you’re still hungry after the yomim tovim.
The Temptation of Kavod
It’s tempting to tell a child that their question is wrong, shouldn’t be asked, or give a made-up or half-hearted answer. As adults, particularly in the role of an authority figure, we want to feel like we are in charge and maintain our kavod. We feel inept not knowing something. Please notice that in all these situations it’s about “us,” the adults. It’s about our kavod and our feelings of ineptitude. When being involved in the education of a child, it needs to be about them and their needs.
I think this ignoring a child’s question is ultimately a fallacy. First, it creates a feeling that the answer doesn’t exist. The entire Pesach seder is based on questions and answers. Different parts of teaching our mesorah are based on the question-and-answer model. What are we inculcating in our children when we put down their questions or, worse, insist frum Jews don’t ask those questions? I was taught many times that we don’t need to believe based on nothing more than “faith”; we have truth behind us. Would you trust a doctor or other professional who couldn’t answer questions or quote research studies but simply insisted you have blind faith? What makes your child any different?
I want to address the possibility that you don’t need to answer their questions or can give a cop-out response so you don’t look bad. It won’t work. Your kids aren’t fools. They know when you’re making it up. How often have we seen politicians or public figures get taken down because they couldn’t acknowledge an error or not knowing something? Too often their downfall has been their continued insistence that they’re right – even when they’re not. They’re not fooling anyone and you’re not fooling your child. It won’t make you look good or receive kavod – in fact, you’ll probably receive the opposite.
Your child has questions, and your child came to you to ask them. That’s really big, and you should appreciate that. Your child is thinking and wants to know more. Don’t crush that enthusiasm!
The Solution
Praise the question and appreciate your child’s curiosity. Enjoy that you’re someone this child trusts and came to seek knowledge from.
Recognize that nobody knows everything, and you shouldn’t be expected to either. After affirming your child’s question, help them find the answer. That assistance may take the form of a book or other resource or simply asking someone more knowledgeable than you in this area. Not only are you answering their question and encouraging further inquisitiveness, but you’re also teaching them that there are many ways to get an answer and many resources at their fingertips.
My three-year-old expects me to know everything and for his basic questions I probably nearly do, but I certainly can’t answer all that my teenagers ask and they really shouldn’t become dependent on me being their sole source for information. By allowing your child to see how they can reach out to the wider world around them, you are giving them a greater gift of wisdom.
Homeschoolers are known as more out-of-the-box in their teaching methods. Living in an age where so much information is readily available, I know of homeschoolers that have changed their methods from
teaching memorized information to teaching information gathering. I’m sure many schools have started making this shift, too. As an example, learning how to find the capitals of the states may start replacing the memorization of their names. Handwriting has become less important in the place of typing; cursive writing is an ancient script. Calculators have become more prominent since nearly every device has one. Children, sadly, have mostly lost the ability to read analog clocks.
While there are both positives and negatives to this educational transformation, as parents and our child’s main educators, we need to keep up. Even those shying away from modern technology can demonstrate to their child how to pick the right sefer and locate their answer, which is a similar approach – only without the batteries.
Further Concerns
Many might be concerned that they’re encouraging a lack of faith or chutzpah in their children as they help them find answers. I’m not sure how saying, “We don’t have the truth” creates a greater lack of faith than saying, “I don’t have the answer but it’s there.” Your child
is asking the question because he or she has the question. You’re not implanting in their head something non-existent. When you don’t answer their query, you’re allowing the doubt to fester and grow. While there’s always the kid who wants an exact time and date for Mashiach’s arrival, most questions have an easier response. For example, I’ve seen phenomenal responses to the controversy surrounding the dating of the universe and Ma’aseh Bereishis. There are such amazing respons-
es on all hashkafa questions; why would you want to deny your child that information?
There is always the possibility that a question can be asked with chutzpah. But there is a very strong possibility that even in this situation the child is asking because they have a lingering doubt. While this is a potential situation that can be beyond the scope of this article, a quick yet respectful response may just be the gentle put-down to both their chutzpah and niggling doubts.
It’s not unusual that we get asked the hard questions, questions way beyond our tired, sleep-deprived minds can process. No matter our own limitations, we can still teach our children that the world of chochmah and truth is out there for them. We can give them the tools to reach for emes and to know we respect them and their questions as they develop together.
Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@ gmail.com.
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Yeshiva University Rises to 68 in U.S. News and World Report Best College Ranking
Yeshiva University (YU) continues to rise in the 2022 U.S. News & World Report Best College Rankings released this week and has secured the 68th spot – rising from No. 76 in 2021 and moving up 29 spots in the last two years. YU also placed No. 33 in the Best Value Schools category, up from 54th position last year. This accolade recognizes the colleges and universities that offer students the best value based on academic quality and average cost of attendance.
“This continued rise in the rankings reflects strong execution on our long-term strategy of growth through investments in the key areas of Values & Leadership, STEM & Health, Entrepreneurship & Innovation, and Great Jobs & Impactful Careers,” said Dr. Ari Berman, president of Yeshiva University. “We are moving YU forward into its next great era, and I am deeply thankful to our faculty, staff, lay leaders and students who are driving our growth.”
Published by U.S. News & World Report, the Best National University Rankings annually rate 1,466 American colleges and universities that grant bachelor’s degrees. The rankings are based on data that U.S. News & World Report collects from an annual survey sent to each school administrators. Benchmarks range from student-faculty ratio and faculty resources to graduation and retention rates and alumni giving.
“We are delighted by YU’s ascent in the U.S. News & World Report Rankings, an impressive achievement,” said Dr. Selma Botman, Yeshiva University’s provost and vice president for academic affairs. “This ranking underscores our success educating students, introducing new academic programs, contributing new knowledge, and engaging with alumni in creative ways throughout the year.”
About Yeshiva University
Founded in 1886, Yeshiva University brings together the ancient traditions of Jewish law and life and the heritage of Western civilization. More than 7,400 undergraduate and graduate students study at YU’s four New York City campuses: the Wilf Campus, Israel Henry Beren Campus, Brookdale Center, and Jack and Pearl Resnick Campus. YU’s three undergraduate schools – Yeshiva College, Stern College for Women, and Sy Syms School of Business – offer a unique dual program comprised of Jewish studies and liberal arts courses. Its graduate and affiliate schools include Albert Einstein College of Medicine, Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law, Wurzweiler School of Social Work, Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology, Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education and Administration, Bernard Revel Graduate School of Jewish Studies, and Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary. YU is ranked among the nation’s leading academic research institutions.
