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OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
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Parenting Pearls
B A LT I M O R E J E W I S H H O M E . C O M
THE BALTIMORE JEWISH HOME
OCTOBER 7, 2021
“I Don’t Know the Answer” By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
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’ve always found it strange when I hear that Jewish youngsters are told, “We don’t ask that kind of question” about Judaism. When I was a teenager, more than a few years ago, I was always taught by my Judaic studies teachers that we should feel comfortable to ask any question we wanted. Even if any given teacher or rabbininc figure didn’t know the answer, the answer existed. As Torah being both the eternal truth and divine in origin, the answers to everything were there; we weren’t meant to shortchange our curiosity. I’ve felt this attitude was a gift I was given at such an impressionable age. I remember the excitement when my morah reached a certain Rashi. She was about to teach us one of her favorite Rashis, and her emotion was contagious. Rashi, as is common, had a question. Rashi’s response was “I don’t know.” This is one of a few such Rashis in the Torah. To her, this was the height of both humility and the desire for emes. Rashi could have skipped the question, but the truth required Rashi to acknowledge that a question existed on that pasuk. Rashi was willing to put down for generations that he had a question, yet didn’t know the answer. Many years have passed since I was in high school. While some of my teachers are still there teaching; many are not. Despite the passage of time and turnover of staff, this is one of the lessons I’ve retained from my years spent between those walls. In this article, I’d like to focus on how to respond when a child asks a question, and you don’t know the answer. Spoiler alert: I’m not going to suggest lying or mocking the child’s question. I do think this might generate a
insistence that they’re right – even when they’re not. They’re not fooling anyone and you’re not fooling your child. It won’t make you look good or receive kavod – in fact, you’ll probably receive the opposite. Your child has questions, and your child came to you to ask them. That’s really big, and you should appreciate that. Your child is thinking and wants to know more. Don’t crush that enthusiasm!
The Solution
bit of controversy, which I generally avoid, but I don’t think anything I’m saying is too far out there. Also, I’ve been disturbed by the idea that children can have real questions and not be taken seriously. Hopefully, this article will give some ideas and a little food for thought in case you’re still hungry after the yomim tovim.
The Temptation of Kavod It’s tempting to tell a child that their question is wrong, shouldn’t be asked, or give a made-up or half-hearted answer. As adults, particularly in the role of an authority figure, we want to feel like we are in charge and maintain our kavod. We feel inept not knowing something. Please notice that in all these situations it’s about “us,” the adults. It’s about our kavod and our feelings of ineptitude. When being involved in the education of a child, it needs to be about them and their needs. I think this ignoring a child’s question is ultimately a fallacy. First, it creates a feeling that the
answer doesn’t exist. The entire Pesach seder is based on questions and answers. Different parts of teaching our mesorah are based on the question-and-answer model. What are we inculcating in our children when we put down their questions or, worse, insist frum Jews don’t ask those questions? I was taught many times that we don’t need to believe based on nothing more than “faith”; we have truth behind us. Would you trust a doctor or other professional who couldn’t answer questions or quote research studies but simply insisted you have blind faith? What makes your child any different? I want to address the possibility that you don’t need to answer their questions or can give a cop-out response so you don’t look bad. It won’t work. Your kids aren’t fools. They know when you’re making it up. How often have we seen politicians or public figures get taken down because they couldn’t acknowledge an error or not knowing something? Too often their downfall has been their continued
Praise the question and appreciate your child’s curiosity. Enjoy that you’re someone this child trusts and came to seek knowledge from. Recognize that nobody knows everything, and you shouldn’t be expected to either. After affirming your child’s question, help them find the answer. That assistance may take the form of a book or other resource or simply asking someone more knowledgeable than you in this area. Not only are you answering their question and encouraging further inquisitiveness, but you’re also teaching them that there are many ways to get an answer and many resources at their fingertips. My three-year-old expects me to know everything and for his basic questions I probably nearly do, but I certainly can’t answer all that my teenagers ask and they really shouldn’t become dependent on me being their sole source for information. By allowing your child to see how they can reach out to the wider world around them, you are giving them a greater gift of wisdom. Homeschoolers are known as more out-of-the-box in their teaching methods. Living in an age where so much information is readily available, I know of homeschoolers that have changed their methods from
